What’s a Mom to do?

38 days down, 327 to go!

Dear #1 and #2,
I am glad you had so much fun today. Really I am. Especially because you were having fun together which is a rarity in this house. But next time, can you have more fun doing oh say, not naughty things? I would be much obliged because then I wouldn’t have bitten my tongue trying to not yell.

Your Loving Mom, a.k.a
The Orange Rhino


I continue to surprise myself. From 4:30pm to 7:30 pm I certainly should have yelled. At least once. More like four times. Because that is what I would have done in the past.  #1 and #2 were in KAHOOTZ tonight to piss me off. They were determined. Even when I said  “ORANGE RHINO. I am going to lose it” they kept going. With smirks and laughter to boot. Little sh*ts. Oh but I love them.

I don’t know why I didn’t yell.  Maybe it was the Spring type weather, the 8 hours of sleep last night, or maybe I am changing.Or maybe I just realized that I didn’t stand a chance against these two tonight! Sometimes, you just have to toss your hands up in the air and say, oh well. They’re not hurt, they’re not being rude, they’re just having fun. LOOSEN UP mamma! (Yes, I am WICKED uptight. Ask anyone who knows me!)

It all started at 4:30. I had asked the boys to clean up. It got quiet. Really quiet. I looked in the hall closet. All the coats (6 people’s worth!) were on the floor. #1 was standing on top of his Pottery Barn Cushion Chair – which is anything but strong – with six linked hangers in his hand trying to get down a spool of gift ribbon to decorate the house. #2 is standing there as well, taking orders from #1 as to how to support him so he doesn’t fall. It was actually kind of cute…and very resourceful. So I let the mess slide.

I politely reminded them to clean up. I got back to helping #3 clean up.Then I saw something white flying through the air.

What is white, light, and can float in the air for long distances? TOILET PAPER.

Well, since I had ruined their plans to decorate the house with green ribbon they decided together that toilet paper was better. Well at this point I had the baby in my arms. So as I went to grab #1 and stop him with my one free hand, #2 ran back into the bathroom and got more toilet paper. When I stopped him, #1 got free and went into the bathroom. I was completely outmatched.

And I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t yell which is SO what I wanted to do. No, I wanted to SCREAM, like level 6 scream. I wanted to scare them to make them stop in their tracks. They were so giddy from having fun (and probably from the Spring weather too!) that my voice, even my whisper, didn’t demand their attention. I was beyond annoyed because now the entire area was COVERED in one spool of toilet paper. Finally, baby still in arms, and still screaming (lucky kid, that is what I wanted to be doing!) I boxed them out and shut the bathroom door. What else was I supposed to do? Yeah, probably should have just started throwing toilet paper too. Would have been way more fun!

The dynamic duo moved into the kitchen to “color.” Excellent I thought, some nice quiet time. Then it got quiet again. SH*T!

#1 came running out of the bathroom looking like he was ready for a Tribal meeting in the Madagascar movie. He had taken his shirt off and used his Crayola markers to drawn on his face. Now, this wasn’t new. He had done the same a few days earlier. But I was sure that the strong scrubbing in the bathtub for 30 minutes to remove the NON-truly-WASHABLE markers would have cemented in his brain that this was a dumb idea. Clearly, it hadn’t. As I went to wash his face off, I saw another child, #2 of course run out of the kitchen. Well sh*t. Yup, he came back equally decorated.

Again, what’s a mom to do? I mean really?

What's a mom to do? Yell?! Nah. It was too funny. Kind of. It was a pain to wash off!!!

When this is what your kids look like, when they’ve played together joyfully, does yelling really achieve anything??? Nah. I just said to myself screw it. They look hilarious. No need to yell.

Oh, you are probably thinking that was it for the night. Right? Yeah, for an hour.

Our marathon scrubbing the non-washable-markers off bath is over. I am counting down the minutes to a nice, cold, refreshing beer. #1 and #2 and #3 have been tucked in. #4 is having his bottle. It is peaceful. For 30 seconds.

#3 is banging on the door, presumably with his fists.

With my baby in my arms, I walked into #3’s room. I picked him up off the floor where he had been HAMMERING the door. Yes, not banging with fists, but HAMMERING the brand new door with the plastic hammer he snuck into his room since his tools are his security items. I calmly (how the he*k I was calm I truly don’t know) put him in bed, told him good night and walked out.

What a sh*t show.

Alas, it is now 8:10. Not gonna lie, I don’t even need a beer to relax. Because making it through the last few hours without yelling feels really good. Really really good. Being more chill feels great, almost better than a cold beer.

Who am I kidding? I need to celebrate. Cheers!


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