I had a different post planned for this morning. Something fun and upbeat. Something I knew everyone could relate to as a mom. Something I knew would lift me up, would bring me alive a bit.
And then last night happened. With a quick press on “send,” I was reminded how much I am struggling with friendships in this stage of life, with being accepted for who I am, with finding my people. I have a hunch I’m not alone in this, so here’s today’s post. May reading it and perhaps knowing you aren’t alone, uplift you 🙂
I sit here now, and I can’t help but think about how hard it is to make friends as an adult. I guess, how hard it has always been for me to make friends, to keep them even.
I sit here now, and I can’t help but remember what it felt like to be rejected from friend groups at overnight camp when I was thirteen-ish, just because I was a little different.
I sit here now, and I can’t help but remember how I always felt like the third, or fourth wheel in elementary school, always the friend last to be called, sometimes even forgotten.
I sit here now, and I can’t help but remember all of the times in my life when I have been asked to be a part of friend groups, but my anxiety got in the way. I was sure they wouldn’t really like me or fully accept me. That’s what history told me. Anxiety, being bullied, and self-doubt are quite the tri-fecta, you know 😉
I sit here now, and I think of how I went to message someone who I have been friendly with for a while, only to discover I couldn’t.
I really liked this person. We had similar life stories. Similar values. She writes too, and I really thought that we could be friends, that we could connect over the ups and downs of this life. I was excited.
And I was blocked. Suddenly, as the “message failed to send” popped up, so did a lifetime of pain and insecurities. The upside? Years past, I would have spent a long while asking myself, what did I do wrong? What did I say? Why doesn’t she like me? I would have spent hours reading messages, looking for clues for how I screwed up, how I acted weird, how I could have done better.
Last night, I simply was floored. I knew it wasn’t me. I knew I did nothing wrong. I was simply kind. Supportive. Excited for her. I was myself. The truth is, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’ve accepted that. (Okay, kind of.) And maybe it really wasn’t personal(ish.) And also… Another truth? It still hurts to be rejected.
And it’s disappointing to lose a connection that you thought, hoped, could have been a source of support. For me, it’s hard to find said support in a writing world that often feels lonely, confusing and harsh. Finding someone who got it felt lovely. Oh, and one more truth? It’s disheartening. Putting yourself out there, making new connections, sharing bits of yourself, being vulnerable as you do so, only to learn, “yeah, I’m actually not interested in chatting more?” Yeah, that’s hard.
Hard is actually quite the understatement. What’s harder is feeling lonely at times.
What’s harder is not having a lot of connections with people who understand you, who accept you, who share your joy, who see your pain.
What’s harder is not being able to easily find people with similar interests, similarish personalities, similarish stories so that they understand yours (mine is complex so this does matter.)
What’s harder is not having people to talk to about topics you love and find interesting, about problems you need some thoughts on, about shared memories and future planned memories.
What would be even harder? Giving up and no longer putting yourself out there. Making friends is hard at any age. But it’s important. Connection is a human need.
So keep going. Keep trying. I should and you should too. We all deserve it. Last night hurt. I take solace though knowing it wasn’t me.
And I take solace knowing how many wonderful people I have met here that are my online friends:) that I connect with daily and that I *will* all ten fingers crossed, meet someday at a big ‘ole Orange Rhino dinner at the beach. In friendship I send you warmth and strength,
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
P.S. #1 You’re always welcomed and accepted here. Xoxo
P.S. #2 I didn’t mean to take this picture. I was trying to take a picture of the snow outside and had it on selfie mode by mistake.
But I looked so peaceful. So there you go. I will find me people and so will you. Again, xoxo
