14 days down, 351 days to go!

I think I'll add... "Because The Orange Rhino doesn't want to yell!"

Dear February 21st,

Every year I look forward to you less and less. I know, that is awful to say because birthdays are so important to me; I live for them! When I was a kid, my mom always made February 21^st feel like a national holiday in honor of me. She made me feel so special, so loved, so important. It was great having a day just FOR ME. And I loved it. But you see now that I am a mom, even though the day theoretically is about me, it’s not. It’s about these 4 kiddos I brought into this world and their needs. And while I love them dearly, I miss the guarantee that 1 day a year was completely (mostly) about me and that I had more control over how the day went, how I wanted to spend it. And while I have some input over how I want to spend my birthday, as a mom, I certainly don’t have control over how the day goes!!!  Just wanted to let you know that I miss how you used to be, I guess. But do please keep coming every year for lots of years to come!!!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

Birthdays are just DIFFERENT when you are a parent. Yes I know. I am supposed to see the joy in my sons’ eyes lighting up seeing my birthday cake and feel that joy seep into my body. Then I am supposed to tingle all over with happiness and say wow, it’s great to be a mom I am so lucky. But I’m sorry, without fail just about every birthday that tingly feeling is less now that I am a mom.  I mean yes, I get that feeling in very small doses throughout the day, like when my boys sing Happy Birthday or give me big hugs when prompted or give me handmade cards daddy helped them to make. Those moments are great. That’s not the problem.

It’s my expectations that are the problem! My mom set the bar too high! I want a perfect birthday – the one day a year where I can just relax and feel okay doing that. Where I can indulge in me and that is okay. And it is just really gosh darn hard to do that as a mom because there is always someone needing something.  I still dream of the 1 perfect day a year – where the kids will sleep in, behave beautifully, play together flawlessly and shower me with love all day.  And I dream that day will happen on my birthday as the perfect gift to me.  In that dream of course the boys are dressed in perfectly clean outfits and they run and jump into bed to wake me up at noon and we all share a big bear hug and Daddy takes a picture and SNAP! My perfect birthday memory is caught. Just like Hallmark birthday cards tell me it should be. The only snapping going on my birthday today is SNAP! Wake up from your dream!

Today, as a birthday present, #2 got the stomach bug and my husband was traveling. So instead of waking to a husband telling me happy birthday and reminding the kids to tell me it was my birthday, I woke up at 430 with two sick kids in my bed. None of my four boys realized it was my birthday until we went downstairs to find the cupcake with a candle in it daddy left out (smart move hubby!) or the birthday cards from friends I had left out (good job friends!) I tried to see if the boys wanted to sing Happy Birthday to me (they too love birthdays!) but of course #1 started throwing up again, #2 was curled up in a ball, #3 was crying for milk and #4 was whining for his bottle or because his 1^st tooth is coming in. Who knew.

All I knew is that I felt very lonely at that very moment. I just wanted to start my day feeling special and loved. And while I know my kids feel that, at their tender ages of 5 and under, it’s hard for them to know that Birthdays are a great day to show it.

So I cleaned up the vomit, wiped off my tears, blew out my candle, and went on with my day as a mommy, not the Birthday Girl.

Luckily there are good friends and facebook! Girlfriends to the rescue – flowers and birthday cake arrived, cards arrived, phone calls poured in, and facebook messages posted. Not feeling so lonely anymore. Everyone was wishing me what I was wishing for too…some moments to myself, to be spoiled by my boys. At least I knew I wasn’t totally off and alone in my expectations 🙂  Phew. Birthday meltdown averted. Momentarily.

Since realizing it was my birthday, the boys wanted cake and juice boxes, you know like all birthday parties. I didn’t want them to have cake and throw it up but they were insistent. ALL DAY. Starting at 7:25 am. It wasn’t stopping. Finally I decided they could sing happy birthday to me, help me blow out the candles, and have a juice box and a small small small piece of cake. Well it turns out my small wasn’t big enough. Shocker.

“I want more!”

“I’m a big boy, I want a big piece of cake”

“I feel a thousand times better”

It was out of control. It was a no win situation. If I didn’t give them cake, tears. If I game them too much, vomit. Neither of these things were on my birthday wish list….

The tears started again. This time, they were mine. All I wanted was a peaceful, loving rendition of Happy Birthday. I wanted my Hallmark Birthday moment where for a moment, just a moment, life IS perfect.  Well, that, and I too wanted to share the cake with my boys because while I say it is all about me, they are part of me now. And I wanted to share my happiness with them. I hated that I couldn’t.

The tantruming was growing louder and stronger. I was going to snap. I think the tears had a hold of me and instead of snapping I said calmly (or sadly?)

“I don’t want to yell. Please don’t make me yell. It’s my Birthday. I don’t want to yell.”

And guess what? I didn’t yell. Just saying those words “I don’t want to yell” out loud kept me in line.

We, my boys and I, got through the great stomach bug-birthday cake debacle of 2012 without anymore tears. And while my birthday isn’t the same anymore, and is generally guaranteed to be louder and more demanding than years past, and it is never all about me anymore, I guess that’s okay. It’s okay because my love for birthdays has simply been passed on to 4 other days of year besides February 21^st. it’s been passed on to the days my sons were born.  Now I put the same energy my mom put into my birthday, into theirs, so that they know just how much special they are and certainly how loved.

It’s my birthday and I might still cry if I want to…but at least it’s not because I yelled 😉

P.S. To all of my 52 followers, thanks for supporting me and my new Challenge. Secret birthday wish (besides the peace and quiet) was to get 50 FB likes. A wish come true. Thank you!

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino

13 days down, 352 to go!

Dear Productivity,

You and I had big plans today. Huge. Gigantic. Enormous. I had phone calls to make, closets to organize, piles to put away and to boot, a babysitter so I could do said things. You know the three things that have been on my list for weeks that are starting to eat away at me?  And what happened? I spent all day cleaning up vomit from #1 and cleaning diapers full of poop from #3. You might call that productive. And I guess it was. Just not the kind of productivity I envisioned. Sometimes I get in such a twit when we don’t hang out in the way I hope, when I instead hang out with your other half, unproductive. It stresses me out and that’s when I yell. Because I am not getting done what I want…Any tips on how to be more productive, or better yet, more chill? I think if I knew the answer I’d be a more enjoyable person to be around!

Thanks,

The Orange Rhino

*

You see, my challenge in being a Stay at Home Mom is that in my 5.5 years as a SAHM, my to-do list still doesn’t line up with that of a SAHM. I want to get organized, put together photo albums, do other personal projects, and decorate the barren walls of my office, aka my home, so it doesn’t feel like an institution. I don’t have clean up vomit, wash sheets, or buy new pillows because of said vomit on my to-do-list. And I certainly don’t have call doctor to discuss the color of #3’s poop because it seems awfully pale in color. Or on an ordinary day, I don’t have play with kids, have fun, cook them a balanced meal, love them etc…. on my to-do list, which really, all should be on my list for after all, that’s why I decided to stay at home.

And yet, here I am, 5.5 years later still mostly focused on my personal list, not my SAHM list and guess what…my list never gets the attention I wish it did. And that is probably how it should be, to a certain extent. I’ll save that soul-searching and SAHM struggle for another post! But every once in a while, like on days like today where I don’t even get to go pee or do one thing for myself, it gets to me. Who am I kidding, at least once a day it gets to me.

Being a parent is 24-7. It’s a lot of work. And on days like today, where it is ALL about the kids, non-stop, and there is no way to take a breather, it’s extra work. I’m not complaining. I do love my kids, especially when they are sick because they are so extra needing of my love and they don’t fight with me or yell at me, they just need me. Just like when they were little babies. And I love how they curl up in my lap and let me play with their hair…even if they smell like vomit and my hands are so dry from all the washing and hand sanitizer that twirling their hair actually feels uncomfortable.

But sometimes, like roundabout 3:49 today, I just want to fall in a heap on the floor and cry. Cry because I have so much to do (as an individual, a friend, a wife and as a SAHM) and I am pulled in so many different directions that I just want to scream “ENOUGH!!!  I need a break! I just need 5 minutes uninterrupted to breathe.” Well I felt that way all day today. It was NON-STOP. Of course the last time I was in this place, I screamed. I didn’t today thanks to that epiphany so that’s progress but still…

I am Wiped. Which is clearly a theme today.  I spent all day wiping asses off and wiping up vomit. And while I resolved yesterday to take care of myself and get the sleep I need, there is a problem with that. When my to-do list grows, and the clutter on my desk grows, I am left feeling claustrophobic and overwhelmed. And then eventually left feeling like today….like I just want to scream. And more often than not, that is when I lose it with the kids, for no real good reason. It’s not that I want to scream at them, I just want to scream. To let it all out.  Unfortunately, in the past, they have been the target, been caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The Orange Rhino Community shared some great ideas on what to do in said situations…

1. Call your own voicemail and scream/b*itch (this has double points because when I replay it I can very quickly realize how irrational I am being!)
2. Go to the Garage and scream…or anywhere else where the kids won’t feel targeted
3. Let The Orange Rhino Community know instead (I like this one too!)
4. Get to the computer FAST and type…it’s a release! 

Here’s one that I actually did because the advice from my other fellow Orange Rhinos wasn’t in yet…

• Do what that silly commercial on SPROUT says to do…when you are about to lose it, turn it into something silly.

#2 was the witness of said silliness.

Dear, sweet #2, my 3.5 year old, had a bee in his bonnet today. Or whatever heck the saying is. He is so overtired from dropping his nap, waking up at 530 regularly but 430, yes 430 today, that he was bouncing off the walls. Holy bejebers. Spelling?

So here I am making #1’s bed. I have just paid the carpet cleaner to miraculously remove the neon Kraft macaroni and cheese stain from the oh, 6 month old brand new carpet. You know, the one where I thought I would save money and buy the one without the 3 year any stain warrantee because my kids NEVER throw up? Yeah, that carpet.

I hear #2 LITERALLY running into his walls and bouncing off, laughing. He was wasted tired. Ever seen a 3.5 year old on speed? No, I haven’t either. But I think I witnessed it today. Holy Sh*T!

I went into his room.

Me:        #2, what are you doing?

#2:          Just making a mess.

Me:        Clearly, you’ve destroyed your room. (He had pulled all his sheets off, dumped every lego bin, and put all his books on the floor. Awesome times.). Well, time to clean up.

#2:          I don’t know how.

Me:        Clearly you do, you just made the mess, just do the opposite.

#2:          Oh, no, I didn’t make it a mess. I was just having Fun.

Isn’t that the case not half the time, but most of the time I yell at the kids? They are just having fun. Just being kids. Yes, making a mess of his room. So not cool especially when I had been cleaning up ALL DAY LONG. But in his eyes, as he is still learning, he was just having fun. Totally harmless. So as I went to yell at him for “having fun” … voice was in Level 3 but fastly approaching 6…I looked at him, saw that damn twinkle in his eye and went “ooga-schmoooga-booga” three times and let it go.

Totally sounded like a moron, and I think #2 shared that sentiment, but it stopped me from yelling at him for being a kid something I’ve done way to much in my Pre-Orange Rhino days.

So today, I give thanks to Sprout (and the twinkle in #2’s eye) for helping me let my kid, be a kid. But I also have The Orange Rhino Community to thank. We are small in numbers now, but the support is huge. Gigantic. Enormous. And while I might not have been productive in the way I dreamed of today, you are all productive in the way I dreamed of. Thank you.

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino 

10 days down, 355 to go!

Dear Day 10,

Who-wah! I came, I saw, I kicked you’re a*s and it feels good! So unbelievably good. Not just because I am now in the double digits world of this Challenge but also because #1 and #2 worked phenomenally hard today to make me fail and I prevailed. I look forward to seeing you next time but preferably a little fatter, you know, with another 0 at the end.

See ya!

The Orange Rhino

*

(Warning:  Potentially cheesy  blog ahead. Or Inspiring. Your call.)

I did it! I made it 10 days without yelling! It feels so incredible to be in the double digits world of this challenge and to have surpassed my last record. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I actually have a chance of making it to triple digits. I know that is getting ahead of myself but I have to believe that I can do this. That is the secret. Believing in yourself. In myself.  Some of my friends have said that they could never be an “Orange Rhino” that they could never not yell. In those 9 days after I first failed, I just kept saying I can’t do this. And guess what, I sure as heck couldn’t.

But this go round, once I got day one, and then day two, and then day three under my belt, I knew I could do it because I kept  saying I could. Every day got easier and easier. Every day the insatiable desire to NOT YELL and to find my firm, patient voice grew stronger. Every day I found more peaceful and enjoyable than the last.

And as I look at the accomplishment of a mere 10 DAYS without yelling I can say with certainty the following:

1. My kids are happier and more affectionate
2. I am happier and more affectionate
3. We are having more fun together
4. They are listening to me more and better
5. I am listening to them more and better
6. I am laughing more, enjoying them more

And that is just after 10 days. Imagine what 100 might feel like???

I know. You don’t believe me. But it’s true. And I am fairly certain it is the lack of yelling. I mean we all know that yelling creates tense environments. But I didn’t think that not yelling would not only take away the negativity but also adds all the positives galore I listed above. I have no scientific proof that the not yelling is causing the changes in our house but I can say this. With everything that has happened in the last 10 days, this house should be absolutely bursting at the seams with stress. In the old world Pre-Challenge, I would be screaming everyday from the stress, at least once.  I am getting much much less sleep than before. The kids are sleeping like crap. Everyone has been sick and to boot #3 has been to two new doctors and they still have no clue what is wrong with him oh and #1, despite being more affectionate has equally been more difficult. BUT. But but but…….overall I have to report that this house feels different.

Can you feel the love tonight? (thanks Elton John, don’t know why that just popped into my head!)

I can. And it feels friggin’ great.

My husband just asked me how my day was. And for the FIRST time in AGES I actually answered “Awesome.”

Not good. Not bad. Awesome.

And it was. Why? Did the kids behave perfectly today? Hell no. In fact #1 and #2 were holy terrors. But I didn’t lose it so we got back on track much faster. The little outbursts stayed as little outbursts and we moved on. If I had yelled, the little outburst would have gone on and on and on.

It was simply awesome for so many reasons. Too many for me to write eloquently so bullet points it is!

1)      I didn’t yell and made it to double digits (can I get a double fist pump for support?!). I really am proud of myself because today was HARD. #1 woke up with an antagonistic attitude the size of Canada. Is that even big enough? #2 woke up with a burr in his a*s and was trying his darndest to piss everyone off. #3 woke up sick which means whining all day. And well #4 woke up happy –  1 out of 4 ain’t bad! But I only got 4 hours of sleep last night because my dear husband was coughing AL L. Night. Long. He is lucky he wasn’t  booted to the couch. All the cards were against me today. But I did it. Sorry to be so cocky, but I am so proud. This is huge for me. They say you have to do a new habit for 30 days to make a change. I’m 1/3 of the way there!

2)      When I wanted to throw the towel in at 8:51 when #2 had just purposely  tripped #1 (yes it was intentional, the sparkle in his eye said it all) I posted on FB that “Day 10 was looking to be a pipe dream” and I got support to keep going. And it helped. You ladies are awesome.

3)      When I was about to lose it with #1 for not wanting to zip his jacket (really? Really Orange Rhino that would have been a WASTE of 10 days!) he looked at me and said “ORANGE RHINO, mommy, ORANGE RHINO” and it worked. He was so right. I stopped. We laughed and then had a great family walk playing the Orange Rhino game (I pretend to yell, they yell Orange Rhino back. They love it!) Pre-Challenge, I would have kept fighting with him over the stupid zipper. This way was much better!

4)      When I was about to lose it with #1 again (sense the theme today?!) for biting his brother and throwing a drum stick at my head oh and then throwing a box of legos, I didn’t! I calmly walked him to his room and told him he needed to settle down.

5)      When #2 took a toy from #3 without asking and they both started fighting over it all while #1 was banging on his bedroom door and the baby was screaming for dinner, I didn’t Scream “everyone be quiet!” Yes, this is what I normally would have done. It was just so overwhelming  – all the noise and chaos.

6)      The most important perhaps. I actually REALLY enjoyed hanging with my kids today. I generally have such a hard time being a Stay at Home mom and “playing.” I can be so uptight and struggle to let go and have fun. (I bet all of you out there who know me are laughing your arses off at that line!) But, I actually smiled today…numerous times! Like when I was pretending to rock my 5 year old like a baby and burp him and #2 said, “Well now he has to poop on you because that is what babies do.”

Not yelling simply has me more relaxed. I am handling the hard moments better and they are ending shorter. And I am enjoying the good moments more and they are lasting longer.

This Challenge seems to be doing me some good.

I mean really, given the outcome thus far, what’s not to love?

8 days down, 357 to go!

Dear Day 8,
Tomorrow, you will be a thing of the past. I have no intentions of seeing you again on this journey. I have now TWICE made it to 8 days and that is enough. So, tomorrow, I am going to not yell and I’m going to make it 9 days. You, day 8, will become an achievement, not a goal. I have a hunch it will be hard, though. It’s only 10:33 and the baby has woken up crying 4 times from his cold/earache? which means I have a long night ahead and therefore an even longer day ahead tomorrow. So please, can you put a good word into Day 9 for me? Let her (she will be more understanding than a he, I think) know that I need lots of strength and will power?

Thanks for understanding,

xoxo,

The Orange Rhino

*

I would write more today but alas, my poor sweet baby cries again.

So instead of a long entry,  in honor of President’s month, I will share a quote I stumbled upon. Where you ask? In one of the thousand books my mother-in-law has bought from Hallmark that decorate my bathroom courtesy of my husband. Yes, I sit and read while on the toilet. Not like men do. But in my own way. When my husband is home, sometimes I “go” to the bathroom. Code. I run and hide and lock the door for 5 minutes. It’s great.

Here it is:

“Nothing gives one so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.”

~ Thomas Jefferson

That is my inspiration for tomorrow. I will remain cool under all circumstances four boys under 5 can throw my way. And that is a HECK of a lot of circumstances I assure you.

7 Days down, 358 to Go!

Dear My One and Only Love,

It’s Valentine’s Day and we’re apart. You’re there, I’m here. I had grand plans of having chocolate covered strawberries (or nachos!) sent to your hotel room but couldn’t figure out how to make an international call. And then I had grand plans of asking someone in your office to do it for me but instead spent the morning getting distracted by one thing after another.

First, I  had the joy of cleaning up your son’s pee off of the bathroom floor and wall. I didn’t know that pee could come out at a 45 degree angle, did you? Well it can. And it did. Everywhere. I think it is time to potty train #3. Ugh. So not ready for that.

Well after that I tried to make heart pancakes for the boys and for your dad’s birthday. That was an epic failure. I was so distracted by #4 crying incessantly (he has a 102 fever) that when the batter looked a little lumpy, I added buttermilk. Turns out, I had forgotten the 3 eggs, not the buttermilk. Lets just say the pancakes tasted, um, a little interesting today.

Next up I took #3 to speech and then #1 to Reading Class and then it was time to decorate Valentine’s cookies and before I knew it was the dinner, bath, and bed. And I didn’t talk to you once. Or even send you chocolate covered strawberries.

Or even tell you that I love you.

So I’ve decided that I am dedicating this blog to you.

A week ago I wrote the following. It has yet to be posted since I’m backblogged, but now seems fitting to share with you.

*     *     *     *     *

Me reading a Blog entry to my husband.

“I ask again, non-existent Orange Rhino followers, will you help me? I know I *should* be able to do this on my own. But its hard. I need the support. I need to feel successful again. I need to find faith in myself. I don’t know where or how my confidence got lost, but it’s gone. And quite frankly, I miss the person that it belonged too. All that’s left is a shell of that person. And I’m pretty sure my husband misses her too. And I guarantee the boys would love to meet her.”

Husband: “Um, that’s really dark sounding. Are you having a mid-thirties crisis? Isn’t writing supposed to make you feel better? Isn’t this supposed to be a positive experience?”

Me: “It is. I have all the feelings inside of me. They aren’t knew. They’ve been with me forever (or so it seems). I don’t tell them to anyone. So they just bottle up. But in writing, I’m letting them out. Which feels great.”

Him: “Um, okay. So you don’t tell these deep dark feelings to anyone, but, let me see if I can get this right, you are going to share them with the world?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s right.”

Him:“That’s interesting. Good luck with that. I mean, I support you fully.”

Interesting? That’s hardly the word. How about screwed up? Backwards? Ironic? Silly? Risky? Potentially mortifying?

Yeah, it’s all those things and more. But it is just so much easier to tell my feelings to strangers. Don’t know why, it just is. Me and intimacy? We don’t have such an intimate relationship, it’s more like we’re distant relatives who get together once a year at the Thanksgiving table and pretend to have something to talk about. Ha. Me and writing? Much more intimate. I can tell my computer anything and she just lets me. She doesn’t talk back, she doesn’t try to tell me how to feel or what to do or that I am crazy. I think I’m in love with her….

But I do love my husband too, of course. He is crazy supportive of this little endeavor. He is always supportive of me and I am so lucky. I just need to tell him more.

*     *     *     *     *

So dear husband, since I can’t tell you now, I am telling the world (well my 7 readers). I love you. I don’t tell you that enough. Nearly enough. I wouldn’t be writing this blog if it weren’t for your support, for your love note telling me I had 1 day down and 364 to go. You push me when I am ready to quit. You tell me I can do it when I am sure I can’t. You love me when I’m not at my most “loveable” which I know has been a lot lately.

When I met you, you made me want to lose weight. Not because you said I was overweight, but because I knew I was going to marry you. I knew I wanted to have a family with you and love you as long as we both shall live. So I knew, if I wanted these things, I needed to get healthy, and I did. You were my inspiration. And now, you are my inspiration again. You work so hard and sacrifice so much to be a good husband and a good father. You know kind of like a good bowl of Fettucine Alfredo 😉 You hardly ever yell. You have the type of patience I dream of. You engage with the boys on a level so unfamiliar to me. You enjoy the moment in a way I am incapable of. You do all of this, and more, despite not having time for yourself and having lots of stress in your life. I am going to kick this challenge’s a*s because when I do, I am certain I will come out being more like you.

I so often hide behind the words of greeting cards at Holidays. I claim that they are written perfectly, that they say exactly what I feel. And so often they do. And so I just sign my name without saying what I feel. You deserve more. I love you. You make me a better person. Every since the day I met you, you’ve made me a better person. You show me how to be a better person, both by example and in how you love me, how you encourage me, how you support me.

I know right now you’re thinking “…go to bed! It’s late you need to take care of yourself.” I know that. But I promised myself that as my Valentine’s gift to you I would tell you exactly how I feel and how appreciated and loved you are.

xoxo

The Orange Rhino.

P.S. Made it through another day! 7 days down. Phew! Seeing as I will be going off of 6 hours sleep tomorrow, please pray for me that I make it through day 8!!! xoxo

4 days down, 361 to go!

Dear Rice Krispies,

I am kind of feeling like you guys right now. Any minute I am going to Snap! Crackle! And POP! It’s amazing how your jingle really quite accurately describes how the whole yelling thing goes down. First it’s an innocent Snap. Then I Crack and let out a nasty snap and before I know it, BAM, the POP comes. I’ve already had a playdate with Snap today and no offense Crackle and POP but I really don’t want to play with you today. I’m on Day 4 and I really want to move on to day 5 tomorrow.

No hard feelings?

The Orange Rhino

*

I am SO on edge today. I just feel the impatience and stress bubbling up under my skin waiting to come out. I feel like any second I am going to scream at someone for no good reason. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my husband woke up cranky and started picking at everything I said the minute he got out of bed. That ALWAYS puts me in a mood, shocking, I know. Or maybe it’s that my in-laws have been here for a few days and while they are very helpful, they also bring an extra level of energy and chit-chat to the house. So there has been NO silence in my house for 5 days.

And I need silence to re-charge. Just a few minutes during the day is all I ask. Ok, that’s a lie. I need at least 30 minutes to remain a normal, loving person and 60 minutes to be extra loving!

And I need at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep which I am so not getting. This is probably the biggest culprit of my bad mood. I am simply not sleeping well at all. I am stressed about balancing this project vs. my job as a mom vs. my job as a housekeeper vs. my job as a self-keeper.  I really want to commit to this project but I am finding that it is taking away much needed time from the other aspects of my life. I simply have so many things on my mind that I want to let out and release. The minute I start writing my fingers just fly and my head starts going in a thousand different directions, wanting to discuss every question, challenge, antidote, fear that I’ve been storing inside for years on end.

With every additional child, there is simply less time in the day to chat with friends and family uninterrupted. So all my feelings are just left bottled up leaving me one really on edge mamma! I could probably type for days and still not have released all my unresolved mommy issues like the whole stay at home vs. work thing, the no more babies discussion, or the I’ve become a bad friend because I have so many kids thing and let’s not forget the I’m just not a good enough mom thing.

But I don’t have days on end to write, or talk.

To release.

And so I yell. Because all the stress of keeping these unresolved issues in my head + my never ending to-do-list leaves me so irritable that the smallest, most ridiculous thing makes me snap. Like #1 talking in an annoying baby voice or #2 insisting he can’t put his shoes on, when he can, or #3 dumping out all the toy baskets. Really? These things are really worth yelling about? They are so not….

I need a place, a way, to release all the stress without Yelling.

The way I see it, maybe I can devote an hour, MAX, to the blog a day. Not nearly the amount of time I want to. Every entry I feel I never write what I want or explain it the way I want.  And then I think it’s not worth posting. Well, who cares. Somehow the writing, no matter how good or bad is keeping me from cracking. It is becoming my much needed release.

How do I know?

I survived the day without yelling. This is personally a really huge accomplishment. HUGE. Anytime I feel as on edge as I did today, I totally lose it and enter Yelling Level 6 at least once, if not twice. So the fact that I didn’t – that I actually stopped and took those much needed deep breaths first – is an improvement. Something here is working. What a release. LOL. I mean relief! Hmmm, coincidence these two words sound identical? I think not.

Day 1, Take 8…

Dear Pee, Toothpaste, and Legos,
You tried your hardest to make me kiss Day 1, Take 8 goodbye. It was an impressive performance and I certainly wanted to yell at you all for tempting me. But I somehow manage to beat you…only to lose it shortly thereafter. Sigh. I can’t even remember why I lost it. Double Sigh. So I am back to Day 1, AGAIN. Triple Sigh.

The Orange Rhino

*

It’s 6:30 in the morning and this is how my diaperless, not-potty-trained 2 ½ year old greets me:

“I peed”

“Um, where?”

“No idea.”

“Well where did you take your diaper off?”

“No idea”

“Can you help me find your pee?”

“Um, no thank you.”

Yes, starting my day on a pee scavenger hunt is JUST how I envisioned the start to my umpteenth attempt to go a day without yelling. If I were a two year where would I pee? In the corner of mommy’s closet where I go to poop in my diaper? Nope. Under daddy’s desk where I also hide to poop? Nope. Oh DUH, I would probably pee where my older brothers do – in the potty! So that’s where I went looking.

I didn’t have to look too hard – the pee was EVERYWHERE and was slowly seeping into every crack in the tile floor and making its way to my bare feet. In fact, the pee was everywhere except in the potty! And it was the first pee since bedtime so not only was there lots of it, but it also smelled righteous! But I was really impressed that #3 tried to go in the potty. Less impressed with the mess but what could I do? I couldn’t yell, so I just laughed. And then thought to myself “sh*t he is clearly getting ready for potty training. I however am so NOT ready for potty training….”

Then I looked up at the counter by the sink. Funny, I didn’t remember having a neon blue counter top. Turned out, my three year old thought it necessary to squeeze out an ENTIRE tube of toothpaste in attempt to get one drop on his toothbrush and then he tried to clean it up himself. Cleaning up being defined as smearing it all around. Again, not so impressed with the mess, but impressed with the attempt to do his morning chores by himself. Again, I couldn’t yell “what the h*ll were you thinking? Why didn’t you ask for help?!” Sh*t. This is HARD.

I made it out of the bathroom without stepping on pee or yelling. Onwards and upwards, into my 5 year old’s room. “OUCH! What the…?!”

“Sorry mom, watch out for the lego.”

The lego? Try LEGOS. They are everywhere; hundreds of little legos with sharp corners waiting to attack my feet.

“Sorry mom¸ I needed to find that one small piece and well….”

“What you needed to dump out all three bins to find it? It’s like…” My voice was starting to rise, my tone was starting to change…I was going to that not-so-happy-almost-screaming-place.

“Orange Rhino Mommy. Orange Rhino.”

Well, done my son. Well done. Thanks for the reminder.

And then we hugged and sang kumbaya and I parented perfectly the rest of the day and we all lived happily every after. The end.

AS IF.

Not 45 minutes later I found myself yelling at #1 and I can’t even tell you why. Um, maybe because he was being fresh? Or because he wouldn’t eat breakfast (again?). Or he wouldn’t get his shoes on? I can’t even remember. Do you know what that tells me? That not only did I enter the raging, irrational mode that I am so not proud of, but also that he clearly did nothing worthy of remembering. Which means one thing: he probably didn’t deserve to be yelled at. I’m sorry buddy. I do love you. And I know I hurt your feelings – you told me so. I’m sorry. Mommy was cranky and took it out on you. Bad mommy.

You know, ever since I started this little challenge, I’ve realized that more often than not, my kiddos never really deserve to be yelled at. I am disappointed in myself for losing it for apparently no good reason, but, and this is a big BUT, I am so relieved that at least I didn’t yell earlier in the day too; because those situations certainly weren’t worthy of yelling.

The pee on the floor? #3 was just trying to be a big boy like his brothers. Can’t fault that.

The toothpaste on the counter? #2 was just trying to please me – especially the cleaning up part. Can’t fault that.

The legos on the floor? #1 was just trying to build something really cool. Can’t fault him for not knowing I was coming into his room at that moment.

And BESIDES, pee, toothpaste, and Legos can ALL be cleaned up. Pee + Toothpaste + Legos = No big deal.

BUT yelling at those moments? That would have been a big deal. Massive crying would have ensued (which is ALWAYS a great way to start the day…) and I would have sent negative – and ridiculous – messages. Please don’t try to go pee in the potty. Please don’t brush your teeth and certainly please don’t try to clean up your mess. Please don’t be creative.

Yeah, those would have been some really stellar parenting lessons.

I am a work in progress.  Tomorrow will be better. At least now I’ll know where to look for the pee.

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Day 1, Take 6 (sigh)

Dear #1, #2, #3, and #4 (husband too I guess!)

I know that sometimes, well okay much more than I and you, would like, that I yell too much and too loudly. I always feel so guilty afterwards and ashamed…because I love you so. So I’ve decided to change. I’m going to work really, really, really hard to stop yelling altogether but I’m going to need your help. Ok? Can you do that? Can you help me?

xoxo,

Mommy Orange Rhino

*

As I am starting to yell at my cantankerous 2 year old I stop myself. Why am I yelling? Because I am tired. Because his whining is obnoxious. Because I am frustrated my husband is working and it’s a Sunday a day I look forward to help from him. Because my 5 year old wouldn’t leave me along for 10  minutes to do something I wanted. (So selfish of me, I know). I’m yelling because as wonderful as they are, my lovely children can be really tiring. But they can also be really wonderful. And honest.

“So #1, how am I doing with not yelling?”

“Terrible. Absolutely terrible. You just yelled at me the other day. And the other minute.”

Yeah, that’s pretty much an accurate summary.  I have no idea what has transpired since last week. Last week I went a whole 8 days. And I felt so good. So so good. To all you non-yellers out there, I know you are laughing thinking to yourself, 8 days is nothing. That is so easy. But to me, it was difficult. At first. That first day was EXHAUSTING. I remember coming up to bed after the day was over and saying to my husband:

“WOW I feel great from not yelling but damn, I am tired.”

It took every bone in my body to keep it together. To find my inner pre-school teacher voice that speaks quietly and lovely and still gets respect and response. But somehow I did it. ALL WEEK LONG I did it. Every day I went without yelling I felt more invigorated and it got easier. And it felt so utterly amazing. I felt an energy I haven’t felt in years. I was bouncing of the walls with adrenaline and excitement.

I felt so powerful and in control which as a mom, is something you often DON’T feel. Ironically, I felt WAY more powerful and in control than when I yell….

And yet, as my 5 year old pointed out just now, I am sucking at the whole not yelling thing. So we created a game to help mommy out.Anytime the boys sense that I am getting cranky and am about to lose it, they need to say ORANGE RHINO. It’s our little secret code. I love that they will help hold me accountable, because really they should. It’s not fair that I expect them to use indoor voices and talk to each other with respect and love when I don’t hold myself to the same standard.

As I write this I hear my husband ROARING at the three older boys…Now tears from one. Oh and now a  little voice “ORANGE RHINO daddy” ORANGE RHINO. So innocently my husband asks, what does that mean?  My 3 year old answers “It means you can’t yell at us. It’s not nice.” WOW. They actually listened to me. And better yet, they get it. Very cool.

So now we have our own secret game. I really hope it helps keep me in line. Really really hope it helps.

Mostly because I’m ready to give up. I’m totally overwhelmed by all the things in my life that I have pushed aside this week because I’ve wanted to write instead. The laundry. The piles of mess that scream  to be picked up. The doctors’ appointments I need to make. The closet organization that needs to happen. The list goes on and on. Everywhere I turn in the house there is something I need to do but just don’t want to. And what’s it been worth not doing it? Nothing. I still have yelled every day and haven’t been able to get back on the “good” streak. I keep telling myself that the sacrifices I am making today, this week, are nothing compared to the benefits that that will come from not yelling.

Uh oh, I’m getting all cranky and worked up.

Orange Rhino mommy, Orange Rhino!