127 days down, 238 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

It is a little weird for me to write and ask you to do something, but alas, I am. Read the first part and then read the second part…it is all about YOU….

WE, yes we even if it just says Orange Rhino that is all encompassing in my book, have been nominated for an award!

A Motivated Mom Award!

This is what I believe is the first of MANY of our chances to Toot OUR horn about our community. I have BIG and I mean BIG plans and dreams and hopes for us, all of us. Please VOTE FOR US, for the Orange Rhino, in the Motivated Mom Awards. This Award isn’t for me, it is for us. We are all Motivated Moms (and dads). We are all motivated to try and change our yelling ways, to be the parent we want to be for our children. And we are all trying in our own way. We are ALL truly a part of this nomination. Period.

So lets vote for us, lets Toot our own Rhino Horn about our efforts!

Please click on the link below and then scroll down until you find The Orange Rhino and click the thumbs up to vote.

http://enlistmoms.com/motivated-mom-awards/motivated-mom-awards-nominees/the-connector-mom/

Please also share the link with your friends, your family, your babysitter, your pre-school teacher whoever. Tell them YOU ARE nominated because of YOUR hardwork to be a better parent.

I myself am late in totally sharing this news for so many reasons. But I share it now proudly. Please take a moment to vote – not just for us but also in support of the Orange Rhino who nominated us. She took her time to do so and I want her to know what an awesome mom and person she is by our community rocking the vote!

A thousand thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*

Dear EnlistMoms.Com and my friend who knows who she is,

I wanted to thank you. Thank you for helping me to realize the beauty of the blogging world, the Facebook world, the social media world. If you asked me 137 days ago or so what I thought of these worlds, well let’s just say I wouldn’t have had much of an opinion. Because I avoided them like the plague. I didn’t get them. I didn’t understand why someone would want to be a part of such a world. I didn’t get blogging. I was IGNORANT and ignorance is not always bliss. In some weird twist of fate, yes fate, it donned on me to BLOG about The Orange Rhino Challenge and to attempt to create an online Facebook Community to support me in my endeavor. The result?

I’ve met some pretty gosh darn amazing people that I never would have met otherwise.

Strangers who support me. Strangers who support each other. Strangers who became fellow Orange Rhinos and friends. These Orange Rhinos, and by that I mean every single person that reads anything I write or tweet or Facebook post, inspire me, they inspire me with their interest, their dedication, their honesty, their enthusiasm. These Orange Rhinos keep me going – they keep ME connected to my cause, to my challenge. So it is ironic that I have been nominated as a “Connector Mom…the blogger who put the social in social media and is not afraid to over-share” because the reality is that my fellow Orange Rhinos are the real connectors. They are the ones making it happen!

My fellow Orange Rhino’s unwavering support and willingness to comment on my blogs or post on our Facebook page is what motivates me to be fearless and willing to over-share (and that has just begun, I have lots more over-sharing planned for the future, kind of along the lines of way TMI!) It is their commitment to OUR community that keeps us all connected – the daily sharing on Facebook of good days and bad, the nightly sharing on Facebook by tooting of their rhino horns for not yelling that day or just for trying, the all the time sharing of new ideas for not yelling and “you can do it” rallies!

It is the connected Orange Rhino community that keeps me motivated to not yell, to keep blogging, on days when I want to quit because the truth is, I have grown quite fond of our community. It’s a nice place to be 🙂

I think what I love most about our Community is that all the Orange Rhinos are different, yet the same. We have people from Denmark, Columbia, New Zealand, New York, Nebraska, South Carolina and South Africa reading. We have people with 0 kids up to 5 kids. We have male and female readers. We have 22 year old readers and 56 year old readers. And without getting political (because I try to avoid that like the plague too) we have parents from all sides of hot/controversial parenting topics. But the bottom line?! Despite all our difference we have one thing in common. One thing that keeps us ALL connected. Well the few things actually….

We all love our kiddos.
We all want to be the best parent that we can be.
And well, we’re all good people. Because we respect each other, we help each other and we learn from each other. There is nothing but loving more in the Orange Rhino Community and in this day and age, that is truly hard to come by.

It is an honor to be part of such a community, to be connected to so many of these “good people,” people who I never would have met if it weren’t for the beautiful world of Social Media.

So thank you for making me stop and think about what it means to be a “Connector Mom” because it made me realize just how much my opinion of the Social Media world has changed, and truthfully (gasp) how grateful I am for it. I wouldn’t be on Day 127 of not yelling if it weren’t for social media; I wouldn’t be on Day 127 if I weren’t connected to my fellow Orange Rhinos.

Warmest Regards,
The Orange Rhino

126 days without yelling, 239 days of loving more to go!

Dear Doctor,

Do you remember those symptoms I had back in January ish? The ones that led to all sorts of scary tests all that yielded no real result? Well they are back. They get worse every day that passes. They are to the point where I can’t enjoy some basic things with my children. They are to the point where I am scared. Scared to make an appointment to see you. So I am procrastinating which of course only makes matters worse. It doesn’t make the symptoms go away. It just adds more worry to my mind and creates a huge, growing, nagging item on my to-do list. If I could just find the courage to call you I could add some major improvement to my day and not to mention more quality time with my kids. Literally and figuratively. Literally I wouldn’t want to throw up when I swing with them and figuratively because when I have a nagging to-do I am often so preoccupied that I snap. A lot. So what am I waiting for??

I don’t know,
The Orange Rhino

*
So, what am I waiting for? I am waiting for the symptoms to just go away on their own and at the same time I am waiting for them to get really bad so that I have no choice but to make an appointment.  I am waiting for my stubbornness to go away. Shoot, I am waiting for the excuses to go away!

You see, I know that my doctor’s appointment, the one that I am avoiding successfully, is going to result in one or two things: something wrong or something that requires therapy, ie. more scheduled appointments and more time away from my kids.  But I can’t avoid it anymore. My procrastination party is over as my husband spent three days with me and witnessed the symptoms left and right. And he is worried. So sh*t when I return to the doctors I will go.

And what will I say?

That my eyes hurt. That I get dizzy easily. That I am afraid of escalators because I fear I will fall. That I can’t pick my boys up and spin them around even once because then I can’t stand up for half an hour. That I can’t rock my baby to sleep at night because it makes me dizzy. That I can’t make eye contact because it hurts. That I can’t stare into my baby’s eyes when I sing to him because it hurts. That I can’t read because it hurts.

And what will she say? I don’t know. My guess is that I’ll go to the eye doctor again, then the neurologist again and then maybe and Ear Nose Throat doctor or maybe Occupational Therapy. In my gut I am sure it is not a brain tumor (as they thought back in January) and it is not that I need glasses (they tested my eyes in January) but that I need Occupational Therapy. I say this with semi confidence because my sons go to OT and their wonderful OT is always talking about dizziness and this and that. So I have self diagnosed myself as needing to work on my core and my vestibular system. Just like #1.

But guess what? My self diagnosis isn’t enough. I need to get to the doctor because what if I am wrong? And forget right versus wrong. I need to get to the doctor because I can’t enjoy some basic things with my boys that I love to do and that scares me and makes me sad. I sit here uncertain of what is wrong with me but certain of one thing:

Procrastination does no one good. In fact right now, it hurts. Literally.

What is the worst that can happen if I go to the doctor??

Nothing. There is only upside. They find something wrong, then we fix it. They find nothing wrong, then I can sleep easier.

I know there are boat loads of clichés and motivational sayings about procrastinating and I am hesitant to share them here. But at the same time I am finding that I could afford to read some, to make me pick up the phone. But instead I found some numbers that will do the job.

December 2006
July 2008
November 2009
July 2011

Those are the birth months and years of my sons. Oops, just realized I need to add another one.

December 10^th.

That would be my husband’s birthday.

I am going to call the doctor because of my kids. Because of my husband. Because I love them and they deserve me to be at my best.

(Note: I wrote this Friday night at the airport. Then I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment for Monday and I missed it. Oops. And I have yet to re-schedule. I share this post tonight so that I can get myself motivated to call tomorrow. The more and more I casually hear stories about changing habits the more I learn about the importance of sharing your goal with others because it creates accountability. The way I see it by posting this I have a chance of 200 people Facebooking me to see if I made an appointment, so I had better! Anyone see the parallel to The Orange Rhino Challenge?! And the other ones? My husband read this and suggested not posting it; he said it was too much about me and not enough about yelling. But I disagree. I’ve taken all the bold lines and put them together. Have a read. It’s Parallel Paradise.)

(My yelling) gets worse every day that passes.  (It’s) to the point where I can’t enjoy some basic things with my children. So I am procrastinating which of course only makes matters worse (I feel crappier about my yelling so I yell more). It doesn’t make the symptoms go away. It just adds more worry to my mind and creates a huge, growing, nagging item on my to-do list. If I could just find the courage to (stop yelling) I could add some major improvement to my day and not to mention more quality time with my kids (because) when I have a nagging to-do I am often so preoccupied that I snap. So what am I waiting for??

I am waiting for the symptoms to just go away on their own (ie. the kids to just start behaving) and at the same time I am waiting for them to get really bad so that I have no choice but to make an appointment (ie. waiting for an epiphany). I am waiting for my stubbornness to go away. Shoot, I am waiting for the excuses to go away (ie. I won’t succeed, It will be too hard, It’s not worth it, I don’t yell that much!)

But I can’t avoid it (my yelling “problem”) anymore.

I need to (stop yelling) because I can’t enjoy some basic things with my boys that I love to do and that scares me and makes me sad. I sit here uncertain of what is wrong with me (why I can’t stop yelling) but certain of one thing:

Procrastination does no one good (it just makes me anxious and ready to snap or yell at anyone in my way). In fact right now, it hurts. Literally. (Yelling hurts).

What is the worst that can happen (if I try to stop yelling?)

Nothing. There is only upside. (I, you? can try for one day and find that at least 1 moment, maybe more, you chose not to yell and you didn’t! You learn that you can not yell. Major upside.)

I am going to (stop yelling) because of my kids. Because of my husband. Because I love them and they deserve me to be at my best.

So I ask you, what are the numbers that will make you stop procrastinating about that 1 thing that is nagging you? What are the numbers that will get you to try to stop yelling? To try The Orange Rhino Challenge?

125 days of  not yelling, 240 days of loving more to go! 

Dear Gretchen,

I hope you feel honored. Of all the books I could read on my mini-vacation, including 50 shades of whatever it is called, I chose your book, The Happiness Project. Now mind you, I haven’t read a book in probably 4 years except for the What to Expect when you are Expecting and What to Expect the First Year. And mind you, I don’t like reading books (reading is hard for me.) So truly, for me to pick up a real book and read it is a miracle. But given that many of my wonderful blog readers had suggested I read your book, I couldn’t say no. I am glad I listened to them.

You see, in reading your book I started thinking. Which is NEVER a good thing. I mean it is, but it isn’t. Because it means I think of ways to improve (excellent, if executed). But it also means I create new work, new to-do’s for which is the last thing I need. This time though, my thinking turned towards what I affectionately call my silly Orange Rhino Challenge. And even though yes, my mind is now full of new ideas on how to succeed at the Challenge, it is all good. All good. Because the new work impacts my kids and that makes it all worth it.

Somewhere around page 15 I paused and thought “hmmm…I *have* unlocked the key to not yelling at my kids. I think. But what I need to unlock now is how to keep from getting grumpy so that I don’t have to work so hard to not yell in the first place.” To be clear, it’s not that I am an unhappy person it’s just that sometimes I let certain things get me, I let certain things take up space in my mind and it is then very hard to stay focused on being present and loving with my kiddos. Because all I really want to do is yell “LEAVE ME the F ALONE!” I want to stop letting these things get to me – I need to make some changes so that I can be successful at this challenge in the long term!

Anyway, you got me thinking and I am grateful (and I am pretty sure my husband is too, he just won’t admit it).

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*
I went away.

I read a book.

It made me think.

It made me think of all the things in my life that make me grumpy, that set me up to snap.

Like clutter.

Like feeling fat.

Like resenting my husband.

Like mama guilt.

Like being tired.

Like not doing the things that make me happy.

Like feeling that I am losing friends, left and right.

Like feeling that time is going by and I am not enjoying it enough…because of all the above things.

So I made some resolutions. Some resolutions focused on changing the areas of my life that need tweaking so that I can be less trigger-happy and more mama-happy!

And I am sticking to them…because I know that they make me a happier person and therefore a better mom and therefore less apt to yell.I am still shocked that I thought starting The Orange Rhino Challenge would JUST be about learning to be more patient, more tolerable. But really, it is about so much more. I never thought I would be doing so much soul searching in order to succeed at this challenge.

Anywho, I share my resolutions with you all to keep me accountable.

1) CLUTTER: Every night I WILL take the 5-10 minutes to put away the clutter because clutter makes me claustrophobic and antsy.

2) WEIGHT: I WILL start Weight Watchers again. I WILL exercise 4 times a week. Because it is important to me, no matter what I say.

3) MARRIAGE: I WILL start communicating with my husband when I am upset instead of holding it in and feeling the resentment grow. And grow. And grow. Because I love my husband and I want our marriage to last a lifetime.

4) MAMA GUILT: I WILL move my computer away from the family area so that I spend more time with my kids and stop feeling crappy that I checked People.com every 30 minutes instead of hanging with my little people.

5) TIRED: I WILL go to bed by 10:00 5 nights a week. Because the truth is if I don’t get 8 hours of sleep I am a beast. 7 will have to do.

6) HOBBIES: I WILL look at pictures 1 night a week because it makes me happy, it makes me smile, it makes me grateful.

7) FRIENDS: I WILL email one friend a night that I don’t see daily

8) PRESENT: I WILL start vocalizing when I am happy and loving a moment to force myself to enjoy it.

No time like the Present! Right now I am happy because the clutter is cleared and well, I met each resolution today. Added bonus: I didn’t yell.

Which reminds me of one more major resolution:

9) ORANGE RHINO: I WILL not yell. I WILL not quit even though I will want to. Often.  Because like it or not, this Challenge is making so many aspects of my life, and my family’s life better.

124 days down, 241 to go!

Dear Vacation sans kids,

You were great. I miss you. But I missed my boys more. And I am glad to be home. Even if re-entry into Mommyland was brutal (ie, so challenging that I almost kissed 123 days bye-bye.) Who knew that 4 boys could make 3 days of feeling calm disappear so quickly?

See you soon I hope,
The Orange Rhino

*

I was gone from my darling four boys for 64 hours.

It took about 12 hours for me to feel relaxed, to feel like I was on vacation, to not look at my watch to see if it was someone’s nap time or if it was time to get ready for dinner.

It took a mere 5 hours of the boys being awake the morning after my late night return for all the stress and exhaustion that had seeped away to re-enter my body.  At FULL force.

WHAM!

Welcome home mommy! Mommy I need you to wipe my butt. Mommy I need water. Mommy he touched my face. Mommy I don’t know what I want so I am going to whine. Mommy my teeth are coming in so I am going to cry. A lot. Mommy, mommy, mommy!!!

Where were the I love you’s? The I miss you’s? The hugs and kisses? Oh I got them. Big time. And that was the greatest moment EVER.

But it only lasted for minutes. Minutes I say. And than BAM. It was time to be mommy again. No more kicking my feet up having deep conversations with my hubby over a strawberry daiquiri. No more taking a two hour nap. No more sleeping in, until, get this 6:30 am. GASP. Nope. It was time to be Mommy again. I was back in Mommyland where one doesn’t just love their kids but has to also care for them, a wonderful yet hard at times, task.

Don’t get me wrong. I was THRILLED to be home. I AM thrilled to be home. Gosh, I missed my boys so much. Every time I called and spoke to them I wanted to go home to hear their laugh, to watch them make silly faces, to get their hugs. But being away was good for ALL of us. It was good for my boys and me – we never get a real break, I think this made us appreciate each other more. It was good for my husband and me – we needed some connecting time, big time. All in all it was a great escape, hard to be away, but worthwhile. I truly chilled out for the first time in oh, 24 months or so?

As I re-entered Mommyland I promised myself that I would keep my “vacation” mindset on. That I would not let the stress of parenting suck me in right away. That I would at least wait a day, hopefully more before I became a twit about clutter, things to do for the kids, things to do for me, doctors appointments to make.

Wishful thinking. 1 day? As if.

I don’t know what put me over the edge. What made my “vacation self” disappear. All I know is that one moment I was calm and next minute, Holy Sh*t!! I wanted to scream at everyone! At everything that moved. Everyone wanted me. Everyone was yelling. I was tired and to make matters “worse,” darnit, I couldn’t yell and that one piece was kicking my a*s.

And that is when I remembered how I felt when I started The Orange Rhino Challenge. OVERWHELMED. Exhausted. Infuriated. It. Is. HARD. Hard. Hard not to yell. Just being away for three days of peace and quiet made my home life feel like someonewas taking a hammer to my head. All the chaos. All the yelling. All the needs pounding me left and right. It is A LOT to take in. And not being able to yell to stop the pounding? It is blooming hard work. And so is parenting. I guess I had kind of forgotten that while I was away. And coming back to it all made me want to scream “JUST BACK OFF! Give mommy one second to breathe. PLEASE!”

But I didn’t.

Instead all day long I had silent conversations with myself.

“Don’t yell, you don’t want to yell.”
“Don’t yell, you aren’t mad at the kids, you are just tired.”
“Don’t yell, you are just stressed because of the laundry that awaits and the bag to unpack.”
“Don’t yell, it is just cookie crumbs.”

The list could go on and on. Every second, okay maybe not every second, but maybe every 10 minutes? I was telling myself another reason not to yell. Between the literal noise outside my head, and the constant racket inside my head, I was ready to explode.

I got very close. Numerous times. And when that happened I just used my new catch phrase “Mommy is very frustrated. I do not want to yell. I do not want to start again. Please help me.” I am not sure it helped changed their behavior at the moment (I was TOO tired from sleeping on the couch to notice a thing!) but I do know it kept my behavior in line. Phew.

When I zonked into bed that night, more liked passed out, I was really perturbed. How could I miss these kids so much, how can I love them so much, and then within hours of being home I want to yell at them? Didn’t I become a more loving, peaceful, and empathetic person these last 120 days plus? What happened? Did the new me just vanish after 3 days of a break? Will it come back? WTF?

Thankfully, oh so thankfully, the answer is YES. The new me did NOT disappear. All my hard work was not lost. I have changed habits (I think) and this change will not go away. I just had a challenging day. IT HAPPENS. But after a good night’s sleep in my own bed, and a mental pep talk that I knew that the first day back would be brutal, I started Sunday on a much better note. How do I know? Well when I stepped out of bed onto a huge pile of Legos that someone had left behind at 5 am? I didn’t yell.

120 days down, 245 to go!

Dear Husband,

Thank you for being my #1 supporter along with our boys on this little Orange Rhino endeavor.  Your unwavering support amazes me and I am quite grateful…especially since lately I know I haven’t been giving you the same love and support back. Since lately I know I have been prioritizing kids and myself and forgetting that you TOO are a priority. I know I don’t show it nearly as much as I should but I do love you with all my heart and you still are my one and only love. For so many reasons. But one good one is this little getaway we are on right now. You sensed that we were getting into that little “place” we go to every 15 to 18 months or so. The “place” where we are not as connected as we wish, as we need to be, the “place” where we just go along accepting things as is, not actively trying to make them better. The “place” where we stop communicating and start bickering. A lot. The “place” where our kids stop seeing loving parents but complacent, distant parents. The “place” where I start doubting us. I hate that “place.” I hate it when we fall into what I affectionately call “our little marriage rut.” While we both are great at seeing the red flags YOU are the one who excels at doing something about it. About taking action. About making sure we get away just the two of us to get back on track. And for that I am grateful. SO grateful. We desperately needed a jolt to get out of our rut and you made it happen. Thank you.

xoxo,
The Orange Rhino

*

Ruts. They suck. Whether it be a marriage rut, an I’m unhappy rut, an I’m not losing weight rut, or an I’m yelling too much rut, they suck. They suck because the negative feelings attract more negative feelings. They suck because to get out of said rut I need to admit I am in one, I need to admit that I have made a mistake, that I am frustrated, that something is wrong, or that is nothing is wrong per say but that changes need to happen.  They suck because as if admitting I am in a rut isn’t hard enough, I have to then find the courage, the strength and the commitment to get out of the rut. I have to find a way to WORK HARD despite all the oppressive forces against me encouraging me to stay complacent, to stay in the rut because even though it isn’t always a happy place it doesn’t require work per say.

But I know staying in a rut doesn’t lead to good things. And boy do I know that getting out of a rut is hard, hard, hard, pure and simple.

I am not great at acknowledging ruts until I am in so deep that I need a serious Epiphany to wake me the hell up. Strike that. I am great at acknowledging them. I am not great at getting out. Because it feels so overwhelming, so daunting. Because acknowledging the need for change is one thing, making change happen is a whole separate story.

Before I started The Orange Rhino Challenge I was totally in a parenting rut. I yelled way too much and I didn’t like it. There were red flags everywhere that change needed to happen, the kids individual behavior, their behavior towards each other, their response to me, their NOT responding to me. Oh were the red flags a waving that the yelling needed to go, that I was in a rut, but I didn’t know how to get out, I didn’t know how to change. So I kept yelling and that made me more annoyed so the rut grew and the amount I yelled grew. To this day I am grateful to Larry the contractor for giving me the jolt I needed to get out of my yelling rut.

And today I am grateful to my husband, the take-action-guru, for giving us the jolt we needed to get out of our current marriage “rut.” Because not only was it not good for us, it wasn’t good for the kids. Not just because they weren’t seeing positive role models in parents as a loving couple (loving parents, yes? loving couple, debatable) but because I was feeling such disconnect with my husband that at times during the day if my boys looked at me wrong while I was in lalaland thinking about rut-ville I oopsie snapped. For no reason. Well for real reason. Because I was feeling scared about the current state of my marriage. Not because I was mad at my boys. One of my worst triggers for snapping at my kids? Being stuck in a rut. In a marriage rut, a weight loss rut, an I am losing friends rut. Whatever rut it is that I am in at any given time makes me so mentally preoccupied that I snap at my kids. Not cool.

Look, ruts happen. Marriage is HARD work. Parenting is HARD work. But just because ruts happen doesn’t me I have to stay in one. I just need to remind myself that I am an Orange Rhino. That if I could find the strength and determination and COURAGE to get out of the 3.5 year yelling rut, that I can keeping finding that same strength and determination and courage to create change whenever I get in another rut. Whatever kind it is.

Note: I still continue to be amazed how my journey of learning not to yell is positively impacting all aspects of my life as a mom, a wife, a friend and more. Still considering taking the challenge but too daunted? Let this be your jolt. Did you feel that?! That was the Orange Rhino Horn gently poking you in the back, encouraging you to create change….

Note #2: I know I am supposed to be on vacation connecting with my husband. I am. He is the one who encouraged me to write. 

119 days down, a lot to go!

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for letting me post my 1000 blog Monday night! I really thought you were going to tell me to take a hike, that it was too long but alas, you accepted it. You helped proved me point – if there is a will, there is a way.

So glad you are my friend,
The Orange Rhino

So today I started writing a post about Weight Loss. Believe it or not it has A LOT to do with learning to not yell. A lot. The parallels are frightening actually. And it is something on my mind right now. One of my personal triggers to yelling is feeling crappy about my weight. Huh? Well if I feel overweight my clothes feel tight. When my clothes feel tight I pull at them all day. When I pull at my clothes I am reminded that they are tight because I gained weight. When I remember that I gained weight I immediately feel disappointed in myself for gaining weight. Then my self-confidence takes a hit and I become so pre-occupied with feeling crappy that everything pisses me off. And well right now, my clothes are REALLY tight and I REALLY want to yell. Both at the kids and myself. And I don’t want to yell nice things. I want to yell mean things especially to myself:

“Why can’t you get it together?!”
“Why can’t you find self control?”
“Why can’t you stay focused, stay determined?”
“Why do you keep quitting?”
“Don’t you want to do this? Isn’t it important to you??”

Wait, am I talking about weight loss or learning to not yell?!

After this chit chat, a new conversation with myself starts…

“That’s it. Today is the day. I am taking the Weight Watchers calculator back out and I am tracking what I eat. And I am going to lose this weight come hell or high water. “

And so I try again. To find focus, determination, will power, strength. Because starting the day by getting out of the shower to feel the jiggle of my thighs followed by seeing the ripples in the mirror is so NOT the way to start the day. I like to start the day feeling confident in myself, not disappointed in myself.

Everyday since January I make it about ¾ of the way through the day doing great with my points and then I want to eat crappy food…and I do.

Why?

Well it tastes good and it seems to take the stress away. It seems to wake me up from my sleep deprived state. It seems to make me feel happy if I am feeling preoccupied at that moment. But it only is good for about 20 minutes. Then BAM! The crappy food makes me feel crappy inside.  And the cycle starts again:

Why can’t I do this?
What is wrong with me?
Why can’t I just stop eating crappy?

And then the vicious cycle kicks in.

I feel crappy that I lost my self control.

So I eat.

Then I feel crappy even more so.

So I eat some more.

Then I think well, since I can’t seem to get it together, since I can’t find control, I might as well not try. Screw it. I’ll eat crappy the rest of the day and start again first thing tomorrow morning.

Well of course all this thinking just makes me feel crappier and crappier by the day to the point where my self confidence has now taken such a hit from the mental feeling disappointed in myself attack that now I don’t even want to try to lose weight because I have 1) gained more than the original 10 pounds I was trying to lose and 2) because it feels like an even bigger battle that I fear I can’t conquer.

BUT OF COURSE this is bullshit. I do want to lose weight. I am just frustrated because it is HARD work. Because it takes constant effort, because it takes patience, because it doesn’t give immediate results.

Again, am I talking about weight loss or learning to not yell???

Anywho, I asked my husband the other day why can’t I lose the weight this time? Why was I able to find the motivation, the drive, the self control, the strength after college, after the other three pregnancies but not this one? What is wrong with me? I know I am older, but still. What gives?

His answer?

It isn’t a priority. Losing weight isn’t a priority for you right now. Your weight might not be where you want it, but it isn’t horrific. So it bothers you but not enough to motivate you to make it a priority. And besides, because you are older it takes more work to lose the weight so you aren’t getting immediate results which kills your motivation. And besides, because you have 4 kids not 3, you are busier and getting to the gym is harder, taking long family walks, is harder, getting the sleep you need, is harder. So even if it WAS a priority it still would be harder than before.

Harumph. He is kind of right. It isn’t a priority because I am not letting it be. But to me, it is a priority I am just too frustrated to make it a real one. I am too frustrated to try. The problem with that mentality? It takes me no where good fast.  I’ve been there before. In college I gave up and gained 50 pounds. I quit because it was easier than trying. I had a bad day? Who cares? What difference does it make at this point, I’ve already gained 40 pounds, give me 3 scoops of ice cream.

It took me meeting my husband after college and thinking, “I want a family with this guy, I want to run around and play with our kids in the backyard and I can’t at this weight” to realize, crap, I need to change. It took me getting caught yelling at my four boys to realize, crap, I need to change. Why do I always let things get out of control before I make a change?

Not this time. I am writing this blog tonight to say to myself. ENOUGH. STOP THE CYCLE. Stop it now. You can do this Orange Rhino. You CAN make the tough choices. Because it is important to you. Because your kids are important to you.

Again, am I talking about weight loss or learning not to yell?

114 days down, 251 to go!

Dear Galen,

You asked such a simple question and I want to give you a simple answer. But there isn’t one. I mean there is, but at the same time there isn’t. So I have done my best to say what I want to say but as it is complicated and I am sleep deprived, I am not sure I have done a good job. I’ll let you decide.

Cheers!

The Orange Rhino

*

So, now that I have gone 114 days without yelling at my kids, can I say that their behavior is better? Drumroll Please.

The answer? Yes and No.

Why No?

They still kick each other, throw food, refuse to clean their rooms, yell at each other, spit and hit. Awesome. And they still don’t always listen to simple requests to do something or to stop doing something for that matter.  Double awesome. Oh the list goes on and on of all the behavior that I wish would magically disappear. But it ain’t going anywhere soon. My boys are kids. No matter how great I parent, they are still going to have their moments, their days. Heck, I have my moments and my days no matter how great they behave. Let’s face it, none of us, kids or adults, are perfect (darnit)!

Was this not the answer you were hoping for? How about this then.

YES! Both in Perception and in Reality.

The REALITY is that while the not-so-desirable behavior still exists, when it does appear it lasts for a shorter amount of time. Why? Because I am no longer encouraging the behavior. Yes, I was unintentionally encouraging the behavior.

When I used to yell at my boys, it did anything but stop the behavior. It just added fuel to the fire. My yelling often made them so angry and hurt that they wouldn’t (couldn’t?)  listen to me. The “annoying” behavior either continued or was just traded in for another, normally much more annoying behavior. You yelled at me for jumping on your bed? Okay, I’ll stop that and start running around your bedroom screaming instead. You yelled at me for dumping my legos on the floor? Okay, I’ll leave them there and just dump out another bucket of toys. Why did they just change one bad behavior for another? Because when I yelled, I wasn’t actively trying to stop the behavior. I was just HOPING that yelling would stop it.

And it didn’t.  Sure after a while my yelling would get nasty enough stop the “bad” behavior chain reaction but only to then be replaced with a screaming fit about how mean I am and how much I hurt their feelings. So while technically the yelling stopped bad behavior, it just created a new situation to solve. A much WORSE situation.

Simply put, yelling was totally unproductive but oh so easy. It was so easy to sit back and yell; much easier than actually stopping and thinking to myself why are they acting this way? Are they mad at something? Are they hungry? Sad? Moody? What can I do to help them calm down, to engage in better behavior?

Instead of being proactive and trying to understand the behavior so that I could HELP my boys, I just thought to myself, ugh, this behavior sucks and then I yelled at them. No wonder the behavior got worse when I yelled. Not only did I make them feel crappy but I wasn’t always (never?) addressing the real problem!  Remove the yelling and I am forced to be proactive (or keep letting them misbehave and make my life miserable). Hmmmm, tough call.

YES, it is MUCH much harder to stop and figure out the root of their behavior and YES it takes more time up front but the desired result of ending the bad behavior comes much faster because we actually address (and fix if possible) the REAL problem.

Why are you jumping on my bed? Oh, because you are bored? Great, let’s do a puzzle. Why did you dump your legos out? Oh, you couldn’t find the right red one? Great, let me help you find it. Why are you throwing toys? Oh, because you wish daddy was home? Great, let me give you a big hug and snuggle.

And YES sometimes I realize that the answer to why the bad behavior is oh, you are acting that way just because? Just because you too, like me, are human and sometimes have an off day? GREAT, I get it! I have those days too! And yes sometimes there is no answer and I just have to remember that my boys are JUST KIDS. Both these realizations, and understanding the root of the behavior, shorten the tantrum because it makes me more empathetic, more loving, less annoyed. And the minute I show love and compassion and not frustration, the tantrum starts to slow down. 

So YES all in all their behavior is better because the less desirable behavior is shorter lived. And that is a welcomed improvement.

And by the way, even if the behavior in Reality wasn’t better I would still tell you that it is. Not just to make you not give up on the challenge (hahaha) but because I do truly PERCEIVE it to be better.

Why? Because after 114 days of working to understand my boys behavior, I am now more accepting of it. I am simply more tolerant of it, it doesn’t make my blood boil (as much) and I don’t want to scream (as much). To be clear, I don’t like the bad behavior, and I certainly DON’T condone it, but I am no longer as frustrated by it. I attribute this to the fact that not only do I understand them better, that I am more empathetic, but also because I truly am calmer. Because I am not getting myself all extra worked up when they are in a moment of sheer utterly annoying behavior and are acting out, it doesn’t feel as bad because I don’t feel as bad. Because I know that I am capable of working with them to settle down. Because I know that yelling doesn’t work.  Because I know that loving them more does.

112 days down, 253 days to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I would love to write something inspiring and useful tonight. Or even just something funny or interesting. Shoot, I would just like to write something, anything period.

But I can’t. I simple don’t have the time. It turns out that I am not Superwoman after all and that I don’t have 24 hours in a day to get stuff done. Darnnit, I really thought I was! So instead please share any questions you have below in the comments section or share any requests for topic matter for my posts.

Shiver me timbers, I’m off to frost Pirate Cupcakes for my son’s 4th Birthday in school and to prepare for the Alphabet Treasure Hunt. So much to do, too few hours to do it all. Why can’t I be superwoman? It would certainly make life easier!

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

111 days down, 254 to go…

Dear Birds outside my son’s window,

I get that because you are a bird, you live in a nest, in a tree. I get that because you are a bird, when the sun rises, you rise. I get that because you are a bird, you make bird noises. These are all things birds do. But what I don’t get dear birdies, is why the h*ll you think it is necessary to make a nest in the tree right by #2’s window and then rise with the sun at 5:00 am and chirp chirp CHIRP waking him up. I mean really, WTF. I know you are a bird and not human, but you have babies too right? Don’t you get annoyed when they wake up too early? Don’t you ever want to sleep in until, say 6:00 am? Well I sure as h*ll do. So please. PLEASE stop chirping so darn early. Let #2 sleep in because when he wakes the whole house up and it ain’t pretty and it makes me want to CHIRP really, really loud.  And I can’t. So back off with the early chirping. Please.

Sincerely,
The Orange Rhino

*

We have early risers in our house. Always have, always will. But never before 5:30. Until recently. # 2 has taken to waking with the birds at 5:00 am. We have told him repeatedly that he has to stay in his room and remain quiet until his yellow sun alarm clock goes off at 6:00. Well, that is great in theory but not if he has to go to the bathroom. Which was the case this past Saturday. He woke up at 5, thanks to the birds, and then proceeded to open his door and LOUDLY stomp into the bathroom.

Okay, no biggie I think to myself. He is just peeing. I roll over and try to fall back to sleep.

“Mommy, I pooped. Come wipe me.” He hollered.

Shit. No pun intended. I rolled out of bed, stumbled down the hall, and took care of business followed by a little talk.

“#2, it is still night time. Go back to your room, get back in bed and be quiet.”

“But mom, the birds are up. It is daytime.”

“Not in this house it isn’t. Back to bed.”

10 minutes pass.

I hear a creak and then footsteps all followed by a knock.

“Hey #1, you ‘wake? Let’s play.”

Too tired to parent, I ignored it and thought to myself “whatever, I just want to sleep.” I rolled over to my husband and said “you go deal with it, or I’ll yell.” His response, “I’m sleeping and besides you can’t yell you are The Orange Rhino.” Seriously? Seriously? So neither one of us got up.

Well clearly that was a BAD idea.

5 minutes later I hear massive laughter. I can handle two kids being up early, but not 4. I race into the room to stop the noise only to find it destroyed – they had decided to make a fort out of the bed and pitch it up with piles of books and lego towers. I took one look and closed the door.

I was still too tired to parent, and way too tired to yell.

Well clearly that was ANOTHER BAD idea (the not parenting part.)

10 minutes later, it is now, what 5:25 I hear water. GUSHING.

I run into the bathroom. #2 has CLIMBED onto the vanity counter and is not brushing his teeth, not washing his hands, not doing anything productive. Instead he was intentionally SPLASHING all the water onto the floor. Are you <<<insert the F bomb here>>> kidding me? It is a good thing it was so early and I was so tired because what I thought was neither said nor screamed. Phew!

I turned around, got a towel and took darling #2 off the counter.

“#2, water is for brushing teeth and washing hands. Not for splashing. Here is a towel. You made the mess, you clean it up.”

I left the bathroom and went to start the day. No point sleeping now. As I was rather aggressively making my bed #1 came in:

“Mommy, slow down. You look angry.”

I didn’t say a thing. I was furious but didn’t want to lose it.

#1 left and then came RUNNING back in saying:

“1-2-3 I am taking care of me” while showing me the pages to his book “Calm-Down Time.”

"I can breathe in and out while I count to three. One...two...three. I'm taking care of me." More like "I'm taking care of mommy!"

I just had to smile. He was so proud of himself and well, I was proud of him too. And grateful.  Saved by my five –and-a-half year old!

Then #2 came in.

“Mommy, are you still mad?”

“Yes #2, I am.”

#2 then left and came RUNNING back in with the BIGGEST sh*t eating grin on his face. Why? Well because he had found the Orange Rhino sign we made and was flashing it in front of my face.

 “Orange Rhino mommy. Orange Rhino.”

Now I really had to smile. My kids were helping ME be a better mother. I loved it. The 25 minutes before? Not so much. But this minute, I absolutely loved. I had managed to teach my son a lesson (clean up your mess) without losing it and also had taught him that one doesn’t have to yell. What started as a really crappy day was already turning around.

I got in the shower, still smiling. “Maybe I would survive the day afterall?” I thought to myself.

5 minutes later I knew I would. The boys strategically placed their friendly reminders to me in my bed so that I would see them upon getting out of the bathroom.

No caption necessary...

“Brilliant move boys, brilliant. Thanks for your support. It not only means a lot, but it also helps a tremendous amount. Now let’s go clean up the mess that is #2’s bedroom, kay?”

And they actually complied.

Now if only the damn birds would….

107 days without yelling, 258 to go!

Dear Kari,

You asked me a while back, is it worth it? Is it really worth all the extra hard work to not yell? Heck yeah it is. Besides the obvious reasons about how not yelling is better for my children, there is one benefit I never expected. My life feels richer now. I know it sounds hokey, trust me, I know. I am the first person to call something hokey. But it is true. Because now that I am not yelling, I have shared some truly remarkable moments with my kids that I know wouldn’t have happened pre-challenge because I would have been too busy yelling at them. Tonight I had one of those moments. And just thinking about it, well, it brings tears to my eyes.

Not yelling is hard. WICKED wicked hard. But yes, it is so worth it.

The Orange Rhino

*

As I have written before, as much as I love my kids, by the time bedtime rolls around, I am done. I am ready to tuck everyone in, give each boy one last kiss and snuggle, and then shut all the doors and go downstairs to relax. After 7:15pm, if I hear footsteps sneaking out this mama gets pissed. Unfortunately, (or fortunately?) I can’t get pissed anymore all because of The Orange Rhino Challenge. I can’t yell and carry on like I am accustomed to doing in such situations. Tonight I was challenged. And tonight I kept my promise. And it made me cry.

I had just settled down on the couch with a nice glass of wine. I was not 10 seconds into a deep thought of “oh, this is nice. It is so quiet” when I heard footsteps slowly making their way down the hall towards the stairs. I knew immediately who they belonged to. #1. Dear, sweet, #1 who loves to sneak out and try to convince us that he needs one more cracker, a sip of ice cold water or better yet, 5 minutes of playing Angry Birds on my husband’s Ipad in order to fall asleep. AS IF.

I ever so gently placed my wine glass down. I was rather deliberate in the gentleness because what I really wanted to do was the throw the glass in the fireplace. I was that annoyed. Let’s just say it has been a looooong week. This Mama is beyond done. Between baby showers, birthday parties, school parties, doctors appointments and unanticipated speech evaluations for two more boys, I just needed some time to decompress tonight. I had no desire to play the cracker/water/ipad/I need to pee/one more book game. My patience tank was empty. My empathy tank was empty. The only thing full was my wine glass and clearly that wasn’t going to be empty soon. I found whatever self control I could muster and headed towards the stairs.

#1 knew I was coming; pretty sure my stomping feet up the stairs gave it away. The soft footsteps I heard moments before turned into a mad dash for his room. All his attempts to not be busted went out the window when he accidentally SLAMMED his door shut. I was pissed before, but now I was REALLY pissed because I was certain the loud bang would wake his brothers. I grabbed the door knob and somewhat aggressively opened the door to his room. I wanted to scream “Get back in BED! NOW!”

But before I could even open my mouth I took one look at his face. He had the look that said, “Mommy don’t yell at me. Something is wrong and that’s why I can’t fall asleep.”

I walked over to his bed, taking deep, agitated breaths that were so loud they could wake his brothers. I was still fuming. But my son’s voice defused the yelling.

I was just about to start in with my bedtime lecture when this shy, concerned and quavering voice said,

“Mommy, will you love me even when I go to heaven?” (um, holy sh*t, I wasn’t prepared for that.)

Tears in my eyes, then, and now,

“Yes, of course. I will always love you.”

“But mommy, will you love me even when you are in heaven?”

“Yes, of course. I will always always love you. Forever and ever.”

“Because you have a big heart mommy???”

“Yes, and because I love you tons and tons. I will never stop loving you.”

“Okay. I love you mommy.”

“I love you too.”

And that was all he needed to hear to fall asleep. “I love you too.”

The day I became a Mommy…the best. moment. ever.

I tucked him in again, gave him another kiss and a hug. A hug that I didn’t want to end. I wanted to hold onto that moment forever. I wanted to hold onto my son forever, for him to feel just how much I love him. For him to feel at ease, for me to feel at ease. The mere thought of him ever being in heaven before me breaks my heart. The mere thought of him even worrying about that broke my heart.

I cried leaving the room. I cried because of the innocence of the conversation. I cried because of the fear that the conversation could be true some day. I cried because I love him so much. I cried because I was so glad that I had that conversation, that I didn’t yell.

All my son needed was to hear me say I love you one more time. I can’t imagine how tonight would have gone down if I when I opened that door I started screaming like I used to. Oh wait, yes I can. He would have started bawling. It would have taken 30 minutes to calm him down. And then he would have fallen asleep upset and still worrying about whether or not I would love him forever. Instead of that, we shared a truly beautiful moment.

So yes, not yelling is worth it. Because in not yelling, I shared this moment with my son. And I don’t think I will ever forget it. Ever.

*

I know many of you feel like you are “failing” this challenge because you didn’t go all day without yelling. But I am sure there has been, or will be, at least one if not more moment(s) on your journey on this Challenge where you didn’t yell and in turn had an amazing moment with your child, a moment that you’ll remember forever. What was that moment? Whenever you feel frustrated, remember that moment. And remind yourself all the hard work is worth it. For extra guidance on your journey to add more of those amazing moments to your days, check out my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” Part personal memoir, part parenting guide, fully supportive, my book hits shelves October 2014 but you can pre-order it now. Check out the details here!