Procrastination Hurts.

126 days without yelling, 239 days of loving more to go!

Dear Doctor,

Do you remember those symptoms I had back in January ish? The ones that led to all sorts of scary tests all that yielded no real result? Well they are back. They get worse every day that passes. They are to the point where I can’t enjoy some basic things with my children. They are to the point where I am scared. Scared to make an appointment to see you. So I am procrastinating which of course only makes matters worse. It doesn’t make the symptoms go away. It just adds more worry to my mind and creates a huge, growing, nagging item on my to-do list. If I could just find the courage to call you I could add some major improvement to my day and not to mention more quality time with my kids. Literally and figuratively. Literally I wouldn’t want to throw up when I swing with them and figuratively because when I have a nagging to-do I am often so preoccupied that I snap. A lot. So what am I waiting for??

I don’t know,
The Orange Rhino

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So, what am I waiting for? I am waiting for the symptoms to just go away on their own and at the same time I am waiting for them to get really bad so that I have no choice but to make an appointment.  I am waiting for my stubbornness to go away. Shoot, I am waiting for the excuses to go away!

You see, I know that my doctor’s appointment, the one that I am avoiding successfully, is going to result in one or two things: something wrong or something that requires therapy, ie. more scheduled appointments and more time away from my kids.  But I can’t avoid it anymore. My procrastination party is over as my husband spent three days with me and witnessed the symptoms left and right. And he is worried. So sh*t when I return to the doctors I will go.

And what will I say?

That my eyes hurt. That I get dizzy easily. That I am afraid of escalators because I fear I will fall. That I can’t pick my boys up and spin them around even once because then I can’t stand up for half an hour. That I can’t rock my baby to sleep at night because it makes me dizzy. That I can’t make eye contact because it hurts. That I can’t stare into my baby’s eyes when I sing to him because it hurts. That I can’t read because it hurts.

And what will she say? I don’t know. My guess is that I’ll go to the eye doctor again, then the neurologist again and then maybe and Ear Nose Throat doctor or maybe Occupational Therapy. In my gut I am sure it is not a brain tumor (as they thought back in January) and it is not that I need glasses (they tested my eyes in January) but that I need Occupational Therapy. I say this with semi confidence because my sons go to OT and their wonderful OT is always talking about dizziness and this and that. So I have self diagnosed myself as needing to work on my core and my vestibular system. Just like #1.

But guess what? My self diagnosis isn’t enough. I need to get to the doctor because what if I am wrong? And forget right versus wrong. I need to get to the doctor because I can’t enjoy some basic things with my boys that I love to do and that scares me and makes me sad. I sit here uncertain of what is wrong with me but certain of one thing:

Procrastination does no one good. In fact right now, it hurts. Literally.

What is the worst that can happen if I go to the doctor??

Nothing. There is only upside. They find something wrong, then we fix it. They find nothing wrong, then I can sleep easier.

I know there are boat loads of clichés and motivational sayings about procrastinating and I am hesitant to share them here. But at the same time I am finding that I could afford to read some, to make me pick up the phone. But instead I found some numbers that will do the job.

December 2006
July 2008
November 2009
July 2011

Those are the birth months and years of my sons. Oops, just realized I need to add another one.

December 10^th.

That would be my husband’s birthday.

I am going to call the doctor because of my kids. Because of my husband. Because I love them and they deserve me to be at my best.

(Note: I wrote this Friday night at the airport. Then I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment for Monday and I missed it. Oops. And I have yet to re-schedule. I share this post tonight so that I can get myself motivated to call tomorrow. The more and more I casually hear stories about changing habits the more I learn about the importance of sharing your goal with others because it creates accountability. The way I see it by posting this I have a chance of 200 people Facebooking me to see if I made an appointment, so I had better! Anyone see the parallel to The Orange Rhino Challenge?! And the other ones? My husband read this and suggested not posting it; he said it was too much about me and not enough about yelling. But I disagree. I’ve taken all the bold lines and put them together. Have a read. It’s Parallel Paradise.)

(My yelling) gets worse every day that passes.  (It’s) to the point where I can’t enjoy some basic things with my children. So I am procrastinating which of course only makes matters worse (I feel crappier about my yelling so I yell more). It doesn’t make the symptoms go away. It just adds more worry to my mind and creates a huge, growing, nagging item on my to-do list. If I could just find the courage to (stop yelling) I could add some major improvement to my day and not to mention more quality time with my kids (because) when I have a nagging to-do I am often so preoccupied that I snap. So what am I waiting for??

I am waiting for the symptoms to just go away on their own (ie. the kids to just start behaving) and at the same time I am waiting for them to get really bad so that I have no choice but to make an appointment (ie. waiting for an epiphany). I am waiting for my stubbornness to go away. Shoot, I am waiting for the excuses to go away (ie. I won’t succeed, It will be too hard, It’s not worth it, I don’t yell that much!)

But I can’t avoid it (my yelling “problem”) anymore.

I need to (stop yelling) because I can’t enjoy some basic things with my boys that I love to do and that scares me and makes me sad. I sit here uncertain of what is wrong with me (why I can’t stop yelling) but certain of one thing:

Procrastination does no one good (it just makes me anxious and ready to snap or yell at anyone in my way). In fact right now, it hurts. Literally. (Yelling hurts).

What is the worst that can happen (if I try to stop yelling?)

Nothing. There is only upside. (I, you? can try for one day and find that at least 1 moment, maybe more, you chose not to yell and you didn’t! You learn that you can not yell. Major upside.)

I am going to (stop yelling) because of my kids. Because of my husband. Because I love them and they deserve me to be at my best.

So I ask you, what are the numbers that will make you stop procrastinating about that 1 thing that is nagging you? What are the numbers that will get you to try to stop yelling? To try The Orange Rhino Challenge?