Dear Orange Rhinos,

As to be expected, I am always looking for new alternatives to yelling. Always. And then I received this email from Orange Rhino Shannon and I fell in love with the alternative. You see, my boys are all in to “top secret codes.” My oldest son has a top secret word he says to me when he just needs space and doesn’t know how to cope. Needless to say, after two long days at camp he has been saying “Darth Vader!” a lot! And all my boys obviously say “Orange Rhino!” to me when I am close to yelling and can’t cope! Secret words work great in our house, truly. They help us to communicate and help each other all while having a little fun too. But sometimes, they are said a little too loudly and all the screaming gets to me. Sometimes, I need an alternative that is fun but also calming and quieting.

Enter Shannon. Check our her blogpost below that she originally shared on her own blog.  Make sure to read all the way to the end. There is a surprise at the end that I just love that she made for all of us after I asked! Thanks Shannon for sharing!

* * * * *

I, like all mothers, am not perfect.  I sometimes let my toddler skip her veggies at dinner, she eats more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches than I would like, and when I am tired, frustrated, running late…I have a tendency to yell.

In the back of my mind I know I am yelling because of my issues, not my toddlers, but I raise my voice anyway.  This usually just ends up causing my daughter to cry, not do what I wanted anyway and me feeling bad for raising my voice at her.  Not once has my yelling got my toddler to put on her shoes, stop playing with her food,  or whatever it was that moment that I found so offensive.  That realization (with the help of theOrange Rhino) led me to reevaluate my parenting.

In her blog, the Orange Rhino gives many ideas on how to stop yelling and communicate better, and I loved a lot of them and have even started yelling at my toilet when I have had enough at her suggestion LOL.  It was reading the list of suggestions, that I had the AHA moment, that I already had the tools needed to yell less and love more.

When my daughter, or life pushes my buttons, I turn off my voice and turn on my hands (and no that doesn’t mean I spank her lol). My using sign language to communicate during tense moments does multiple positive things.  Since I am no longer using my voice, my daughter must turn and look at me, she can’t ignore me as easily.  She has to focus on my hands, so this usually diffuses a tantrum, and even if she is in the middle of a tantrum, she can still be understood through sign.  I know I can never understand what a toddler is trying to say through screams or sobs.

Because I am yelling less, my daughter is yelling less.

I am modeling good behavior on how to properly deal with anger and frustration.  Hopefully she grows up to learn to communicate through feelings and not yell or hit or even worse, bottle them up.  When something upsets her, she now comes up to me and signs “I angry!”  This opens up a dialogue for us that can continue in either english or ASL (which ever she chooses to go with), and we communicate through what her feelings are and why she is feeling them.

Thanks to Sign Language and the Orange Rhino I am learning to become a calmer and quieter mother, and I am seeing a calmer and quieter toddler.

* * * * *

Given our top secret behavior at home, I immediately asked Shannon a few signs to use to complement our family secret codes. I knew my little “spies” would eat ’em up. I must admit – people have suggested to me before to use sign language with my son with a speech delay. I am not sure why I was hesitant about the idea and ignored the suggestion, but I did. I am so glad that NOW I am not ignoring the idea but using it. When my sons scream at me, I respond “quiet” with my hands and not my mouth.

I had been trying for months to not engaged engage in a conversation with them until they have spoken to me in a quiet voice. Before Shannon’s video (which by the way, she made all on her own for us, woot!) I would talk to them and get more and more frustrated telling them to use a nice voice. “Please talk to me nicely.” “#2, I asked you to talk to me nicely.” “#2 use your quiet voice. PLEASE.” Oh, hearing myself repeat myself drove me bonkers. Okay, it still does on some days. But now, now that communicate silently and I don’t hear the broken record, I maintain calm much easier.

It is working beautifully.

Truly.

You learn something new every day, don’t you? And for the record, how cool is “Orange Rhino” in sign language? As Shannon first started to do It, I actually immediately thought of the “Peace” sign. I don’t know why, just did. Coincidence? I think not!

Yelling Less, Loving More is PeaceFULL.

To find Shannon’s original post, go here: http://shootingstarsigners.com/becoming-a-better-mother/

To see another video full of some of my other alternatives, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uS4_A2LEiU0

Okay, what am I so excited to share tonight?
Am I pregnant? Nope.
Did I win a million dollars? Nope.

Do I have a new Orange Rhino resource to share with you that meets lots of needs people have shared and that I think has the potential to be outright incredibly awesome? Yes! Yes! Yes!

* * * * *

There was a time when I thought I was the only parent who yelled at her kids.

There was a time when I feared even bringing up the subject with friends for concern of embarrassment and judgment.

There was a time when I felt lost, alone, confused and frustrated at to what to do, at how to change, at who to seek help from.

There was a time when I accepted that I would just be a yeller for life and maybe someday I would change magically.

And then The Orange Rhino Challenge was born.

And I found support, knowledge and new friends and I realized that I could actually change and didn’t have to wait for a magical moment!

In short, I found a really wonderful community, a community that has grown to 27,000+ people all sharing the same desire to learn to yell less and love more. It. Is. Awesome. And powerful. And helpful in ways I never imagined.

And I want to make The Community even more awesome.

Many of you have repeatedly asked about ways to communicate privately. You have shared that you are ready to talk about your desire to stop yelling but that you don’t want your mom or co-workers to know. I get it. I really get it. Admitting that one wants to stop yelling is hard; having other people know is harder.

Many of you have repeatedly asked questions about specific triggers and how I handle them. You have asked about how I told my kids and their responses. You have asked if my spouse is involved. Oh, you have asked many wonderful questions and great dialogue has started, dialogue that is useful for many, many more people out there. Dialogue that I want people to people able to search for and find.

Many of you have shared so bravely that you don’t have accountability partners, that you have no one to support you. Oh support is so important – both by friends and family afar, but also close. I have dreamed of a way to bring local Orange Rhinos together so that you can meet and talk about your challenges. You have also shared bravely that you love the Community but want to connect directly with people with similar dynamics, whether it be having children with SPD, having military spouses, or having teenagers so that you can get specific yelling less advice that hits home for you even more.

And many of you have asked me, why do I keep the blog? Why keep doing this if I have achieved my goal. My answer is twofold: (1) This is a lifestyle change. (2) I want to reach more people. I want people to go to be with less guilt and more love and pride in their hearts from yelling less. I want to help people.

So I have taken all these questions and come up with a really exciting way to meet them. Tonight I introduce:

 “THE ORANGE RHINO CHALLENGE COMMUNITY!”

It can be found at:
www.TheOrangeRhino.com/community

This community is officially a Forum (remember, I am technologically inept. This is my first forum ever but I am really excited about the prospects!)

T.O.R.C.C. is a forum just like many other popular parenting forums out there. You create a name/password, login, and post a question. Other members will answer and you can start a discussion. It works very similar to posting comments on the blogs. The benefits are:

1)    It is private! Only logged-in members can read it!

2)    You can search for questions/threads/topics directly related to your needs!
(Think of it as an online Encyclopedia for yelling at kids trigger management! Bedtime a problem? Search for bedtime discussions. Getting out of the door on time makes you yell? Ask how other Orange Rhinos handle it.)

3)    You can find people in your area to become accountability partners.
(Think of it like a really cool online support group for yelling, one that is non judgmental, informative and fun. Live in Seattle, Washington? Post that and find other Orange Rhinos. You can even message people directly on this site! INITIALLY, there will be only 2 boards/groups. One general and one for the latest 30 Day Challenge Group. Once we get momentum, I will set up regional groups, ie. London, Northwest USA, Texas, Sydney Australia, etc… so people can meet people even more easily!)

4)    It allows me an easier way to interact with you all! I plan on spending one night a week hosting a “Forum Get together” of sorts where I take questions and reply. Benefit? Everyone can see the answers and you can go back and find them easily in the future!

I am really excited about this new place for everyone to connect and support each other. I hope that The Community helps you to find more support, new accountability partners, and people with the same triggers and challenges as you.

QUESTIONS:
1) Is this one big Orange Rhino Community or will there be more specific boards? 
Right now, yes. As mentioned above, there are 2 boards/groups to start: General and 30 Day Challenge. The General one is to get our momentum growing; the 30 Day is for all of those who just finished the 30 Day Challenge. Once we have a pretty good number of questions and members going in the General board, I will add specific boards like: London, Texas USA, Triggers, Military Families, Families of Kids with SPD, etc…. In order to get to that point, we need lots of activity so please, spread the word! Our strength lies in numbers – anyone who posts hopes for an answer and if initially we are all spread out on different boards when we are small, we limit the potential for responses!

2) I would like a specific area board for my already existing group? How can I get this?
Email me at theorangerhinocommunity@gmail.com requesting such a group. When a large number of requests come in, I will look into it!

3) I have general questions about how this works?
Email me at theorangerhinocommunity@gmail.com

So what are you waiting for…go join the conversation now and find even more support to help you on your journey to yell less and love more! When you check it out, make sure to read the code of conduct! I want this community to be awesome, and that means acting awesome 🙂
www.theorangerhino.com/community 

Well, once again, this is not the post I intended to write tonight. Nope, not at all.
That seems to be the theme lately: not doing what I expected to be doing.
That was certainly the case last week on vacation.

Did I expect to spend the first three days in the rain? Nope. I mean sure, one day of rain, or some drops here and there, but most certainly not three days of thunderstorms.

Did I expect to find our normally quiet, spacious beach overcrowded because the beach one block over was getting filled in as a result of Hurricane Sandy? Nope. And when I say overcrowded, I mean so much so that if one of my boys even flinched I feared they would get sand on a stranger.

Danger. This mom didn’t expect this and doesn’t like when things don’t go as planned. In fact, in kind of makes her want to scream….

Did I expect to have not one, not two, not three, but four kids all not sleep through the night, every night? Nope. Of course I expected one or two, and I expected early risings, but for all to not sleep through, seriously?

Did I expect to discover our favorite breakfast place would have the same great food and view but awfully mean and hungover college boys instead of sweet and caring college girls who helped with the kids? Nope. I know wait staff changes, but after many a long night I so longed for a little help at breakfast besides the caffeine jolt from my coffee.

Did I expect to call 911 at 4:30 in the morning because I was convinced someone was in the house?

Oh wait, that wasn’t on vacation; that wasn’t last week. That was last night, or I guess this morning. I think I am still shaking and still traumatized by the whole thing. The baby cried out at 4:30. He quickly settled and then I heard footsteps. Then I heard what sounded like toys banging around. I waited in bed, my heart already racing, trying to figure out my next move as my husband was traveling. I decided it must just be #2 up early (he doesn’t sleep well). I waited for the sound to stop. It didn’t. So I grabbed the bat and went out into the hall. I checked all the kids’ rooms. All the lights were off; the rooms were quiet and the beds full. Then…

BANG!

The metal baby get at the bottom of the stairs crashed. I looked downstairs and saw lights on and heard even more noise and even more footsteps. I ran to my bedroom and called 911.

“Hello! Quick, hurry. Send someone to my house. I think someone is downstairs.”

“Hold on ma’am, where are you. Tell me what you hear. Police are on their way.”

“Someone is downstairs. I know it. I know it. Please there are footsteps and noise. Hurry! Hurry!”

I told her everything I could as quietly as I could. I prayed the baby didn’t wake and cry out again. The last thing I wanted was my four boys to wake up and get attention. The last thing I wanted was to be found, so I tried so hard to stay calm and not let my tears of absolute fear be heard. It was near impossible.

“Did you call out downstairs, to see if anyone answered?”

“No, I was too afraid. Please, hurry, hurry. I am so scared!” I sobbed. And I mean sobbed. I have never been so scared in my life. Visions of an intruder ran through my head as the banging continued. The beautiful calm voice came kept reassuring me as I continued to sob hysterically. A mere minute or two into the call, or rather an eternity if you ask me, she said:

“Okay, six officers are at your house and have surrounded the perimeter. Just stay on the line with me. You are going to be okay….Okay, the officers are walking around your house. Stay with me.”

“Please, please, tell them to come in. I can give you the garage code….”

“Ma’am, the officers see someone in your house. Stay calm. Okay, someone with a red shirt is walking around. It is a child. With blonde hair.” She matter-of-factly reported to me.

“THAT’s MY SON!” I bawled.

I threw the phone and ran downstairs.  I saw my sweet oldest standing in pitch black in the kitchen. I dropped to my knees faster than I ever have and let out the biggest sob of my life so far.

“You scared me! You scared me so much! I thought you were someone trying to hurt our family. I am so scared. Do you see how scared I am?” I said calmly-ish. Repeat, I said calmly-ish. I didn’t yell.

Flashlights flickered in every corner of the house. I opened the back door to a policeman and once again started bawling. I finally let out a breath; I don’t think I had really breathed for the last five or so minutes.

“It’s my son sir. My son.”

“What happened little guy?” The policeman asked so very nicely and reassuringly.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry mommy. I woke up and had a bad dream so I snuck downstairs to get something to eat. I think I will go back to bed now.”

“Sweetheart. Oh sweetheart. I am just so glad you are okay. This is why I have told you that we don’t go downstairs without an adult in the morning. This is why we stay in our rooms. Oh #1, you scared me so much.”

And on that note he shook his head quietly with understanding and turned and walked upstairs and went to bed as I apologized to the police officer and the other five of them waiting at the front door. I felt embarrassed to have made such a foolish mistake. I felt embarrassed that I didn’t think to pull back every cover in the kid’s room. I felt embarrassed that I was standing in the ugliest summer (ie. less cloth) pajama’s ever and that I hadn’t even thought to put on a robe to cover up what was hanging out, eh hem.

All six officers reassured me that I did the right thing; that this has happened before and it is better safe than sorry. I knew they were right but still, I feel a little silly today. Kind of.

I also feel a little proud. Just like I felt a little proud on vacation. Before The Orange Rhino Challenge, when something went awry and not as planned, I would get all bent out of shape. Beach closed? I would complain for two days, be a grump and be ripe to yell. Kids not sleeping? I would suggest packing up and going home and in the meanwhile, I would snap at the kids incessantly. Kid scaring the crap out of me? I would scare the crap out of him by screaming in his face.

Yes, before I taught myself to stop yelling, before I realized that I should expect to be triggered to yell big time by things not going as expected, I didn’t handle myself well at all when things went awry. In fact, I would get into such a funk that I either ruined a moment or missed out on an opportunity all together. The Orange Rhino Challenge hasn’t just taught me to yell less and love my kids more, it has helped me to love life more. I loved vacation – despite all the unexpected hiccups because I have taught myself to expect and accept the unexpected. Even my husband noted how calm I was compared to past reactions to similar situations. And last night was no different. I loved my son more than I would have in the past if faced with such a scenario because I have practiced handling the unexpected more gracefully.

My son saw fear in my face last night; not anger. My son felt love in my hug, not aggression. And as a result (or as I like to think) he heard every lesson I needed to teach him loud and clear…all without me getting loud.

I didn’t expect for my son to be the intruder in my house last night, but it taught him several great lessons. And I also didn’t expect The Orange Rhino Challenge to change me so much, to have taught me so many great lessons.

This is not the post I intended to write tonight. Nope, not at all.

I thought that I would sit down, surrounded by peace and quiet of four boys sleeping and the lingering smell of the beach woven in my hair and write about one of the many huge insights I had while away on vacation.

But I can’t.

Because as I sit here, surrounded by peace and quiet on the outside, but filled with anything but peace and quiet on the inside, I don’t feel calm enough to write eloquently and insightfully.

Nope, not at all.

I feel anxious. Nope, that isn’t the right word.
I feel frustrated. That is getting closer.
Disappointed.
Guilty. Lots and lots of guilt going on. Did I mention I feel guilty?
Angry.
Confused.
Oh, now we are getting close. Like really close.
You see, today I didn’t rock the motherhood thing. At all. 

Sunglasses and hats like these are meant to be rocked. And are so being rocked by my boys. But what about motherhood? Does it need to be rocked or just worn?

Nope, not at all.

I went to bed last night knowing that the first day post vacation would be brutal. I woke up knowing that that one week of no kids sleeping well would have finally caught up to them and that when combined with daddy going back to work and therapy appointments coming back on the schedule it would make for a very challenging day at the very least. And it day. WHOA DID IT.

There was fighting and yelling and whining and demanding. “I want more TV like on vacation!” “I want ice cream tonight like we did every afternoon at the beach.” “I don’t want to swim in a pool, I want to go to the ocean.” And my favorite line “I don’t want to pick up my toys. I didn’t have to last week.” (Eh hem, because you can’t pick up the beach and it was your only toy!)

But honestly, all the challenging behavior from my boys is not what made the day hard. I knew it would be hard to keep the peace today. I prepared myself mentally for it and so whenever things got bumpy I said to myself, “it’s the first day back from vacation. It is always like this. It will be okay.”

And that worked. That kept me from losing it. It gave me understanding and empathy and patience and therefore the strength to not yell.

But that only worked 5% of the day. The other 95% I found myself cranky at them when they were behaving just fine. I found myself snapping “hurry up” and “clean up” and “please, just eat” for no reason at all except that I was in a foul mood. I found myself using a shorter tone for no reason at all except that I was in a foul mood. I found myself showing less genuine interest than I liked in their enthusiastic stories for no reason at all except that I was…in a foul mood.

And I found myself bothered by their desire to talk to me and play with me for no reason at all…except that again, I was in a foul mood.

I didn’t like the foul mood; it smelled worse than the garbage truck that passed us on our morning walk. This mood of mine was making an already potentially challenging day of yelling less and loving more near impossible. This mood of mine had to go. I needed to find understanding and empathy of and for myself.

So I started doing what I always do when I accept that I am the issue; I go through my own mental checklist of what could be causing the mood:

Do I have PMS? Nope.

Am I tired? Potentially a little bit, but not enough to be a problem.

Do I need to exercise? Nope just went on a two mile walk pushing a double stroller while carrying one boy on my back.

Am I hungry? Potentially a little bit because I am not stuffing my face with ice cream and pizza and beer like vacation, but not enough to be a problem.

Do I need to ???

Am I ???

And here laid the problem today.  I couldn’t figure out WHY I was in such a foul mood. Normally, when I struggle and my mood is getting the best of me and is pushing me to yell unnecessarily, I stop and ask myself WHY? Why the mood? What is going on? I ask and I ask and I ask again until I feel my gut come to an AHA moment; a moment where I can so easily say, yup, that is why.

I couldn’t find that feeling today. Nope, not at all.

All I found were feelings of frustration with myself and disappointment in myself that I was so moody and couldn’t snap out of it.

And all I found were feelings of fear. Fear because I actually did know why the mood was off but I just didn’t want to be honest with myself. Fear because I knew my mood was off for two main reasons beyond my control. Two main reasons that I can’t change.

I let fear win today. Let me tell you, it would have been much easier to just admit to myself that these two things were bothering me so that I could name them, own them, and then create a plan to manage them, much as I did manage my fear about the day being a challenge. You see, I started the day naming the fear (overtired and sad babes will make for a wicked unbearable day), owning it (okay, the day is gonna be tough) and creating a plan to manage it (anytime boys are more challenging than usual, remind yourself it is the 1^st day back from vacation.)

Naming a fear is hard but does help me to not yell.

Better yet…naming a TRIGGER is hard but most definitely helps me to not yell. Because once I have named it I can talk to myself clearly and confidently. I can tell myself the truth about what is bothering me. I can clearly and confidently place my anger where it belongs. While I am glad that I didn’t misplace my anger completely upon my boys today; while I am proud that I didn’t let it completely take hold of me, I am not glad that some of my anger slipped out in the form of utter crankiness with my boys.

And I am not glad that in not being honest with myself about my triggers, I misplaced a lot of anger at myself. Yes, I spent a lot of today being angry at myself for my mood and for not “knowing” what was wrong. This of course made me even more frustrated and shorter with my boys. Today might have been one of my worst days of impatience and “screw it I just want to yell for no reason” days since I started my Challenge. Today might have been, no probably was, the top day where my boys thought “ugh, she needs a vacation!”

Again, I didn’t rock motherhood today. And I feel like crap because of it.

But I am going to rock this next sentence: “I forgive myself. I am only human. I will have less than great days and it is okay. I don’t need to rock motherhood everyday or every moment for that matter. Rocking motherhood isn’t what it’s about. It’s about doing motherhood. It’s about showing up and trying and loving as best as I can. Tomorrow is a new day; a new chance. It’s all good. It is all good.”

Last Day of Vacation!
If you are new to this blog, welcome! I am on a brief vacation and have collected several guest posts to share while I am taking a break. They are all from different parts of the world. Yes world. People are yelling less and loving more from Montana, United States to Ireland to Mexico to Australia and more. Pretty powerful if you ask me. We are ALL in this together. Have a fantastic week and if you ever feel alone, know that somewhere in the world, literally, there is an Orange Rhino awake working hard too. All my best for a great week…I’ll be back online around July 8th! 

This guest post by Carla of Massachusetts, United States really spoke to me for one reason and one reason alone. It is kind of an embarrassing one but hey, it’s the truth. I can’t take deep breaths. Nope. I have tried and tried. My OB tried to help me through four deliveries when the epidural only worked 50%. My husband tries weekly to help me. I try to help me learn to take deep breaths. It just doesn’t come natural to me. In fact, I hate it when someone tells me to take a deep breath. That said, I read this post and thought “you know what? I REALLY need to try. I really need to try HARDER to take deep breaths because there could be really upside.” Thank you Carla for inspiring me! After I read this I tried taking a deep breath…with my kids doing it with me. It was a great start and calmed me down a bit in the moment.

* * * * *

Several times each week, I sit down on a small maroon cushion in my daughters’ playroom and pay attention to my breathing for about twenty minutes. Every time my mind wanders, I try to come back to my breathing. Yep, I’m meditating.

Let’s be clear. I am not the meditating type. I talk fast and eat fast and few things give me as much of a thrill in life as checking tasks off my to-do list. I can’t be trusted with a TV or a pint of ice cream, and I’m not a fan of drum circles or patchouli.

I didn’t start meditating because I was searching for enlightenment or inner peace; my ambitions were more banal than that. I just wanted to stop yelling at my kids. I was never a yeller before I became a mother, but somehow the combination of fatigue and frustration resulted in me raising my voice far my often that I wanted to.

I felt terrible every time it happened—it’s just not how I wanted to treat my girls (ages 3 & 4.5). I would immediately apologize and we’d have a nice snuggle, but there are only so many times you can say you’re sorry without changing your behavior before your words become meaningless.

That was the last thing I wanted—literally—because if they wouldn’t listen to my words, then I would probably end up yelling even more.

I had to find a way to make a change. I talked to my therapist about it, and she had some great thoughts about why I was yelling (I grew up with two yelling parents, for example). That’s useful to know, but it didn’t actually help me stop. I read all sorts of books and blog posts (including many here on The Orange Rhino!) with really great tips and tricks for how to yell less, but my problem was that by the time I remembered to take a deep breath or count to ten or give myself a time-out in the bathroom, the deed was already done.

What I found, time and again, was that I had plenty of ideas about what I should be doing instead of yelling, but in the heat of moment, I wasn’t doing any of it. Instead I was snapping at my daughters and then feeling horrible about it and then getting annoyed at the girls again because I was in a bad mood. It was a terrible cycle, and I needed to find a way out of it. I needed to find a way to create space—space in my brain, in my frustration, in my response to my daughters when they were making me completely insane even if they were just behaving in ways that are perfectly normal for toddlers and preschoolers.

As I continued reading and researching, it became clear to me that meditation was the answer. This was not the answer I wanted. I wanted some fast and easy trick that I could do and move on. Meditation is like exercise; you have to get your butt off the couch and do it on a regular basis if you want to see the benefits. I definitely didn’t want something else like that on my plate.

The good news is that when I do meditate (and I won’t lie to you – I don’t get to it every day), especially for a few days in a row, I definitely notice the benefits. I’m calmer and more patient with my girls, and significantly less likely to yell. In fact, when I have been meditating, I hardly yell at all.

Every time I sit on my meditation cushion and pay attention to my breathing, I’m learning to tolerate boredom and frustration (and trust me, there are few things as frustrating than sitting still for half an hour at a time when the rest of your family is still snoozing in bed and you’ve got a to-do list a mile long racing through your brain), which means I’m less likely to get frustrated with my daughters once they wake up. I’m learning to pay attention to the little things, which means I’m more likely to notice when my girls are just starting to get hungry or tired so I can take care of things before we end up in a three-way meltdown.

And so, most mornings I get up early, stumble downstairs with sleep in my eyes, and do my best to stay awake so I don’t fall over. I focus on my breathing, and then about 3 seconds later, my mind wanders. I find myself thinking about taking out the garbage or an ex-boyfriend from high school or a blog post I should be writing. I go back to my breathing, and four seconds later I’m wondering if my favorite color is bright blue or turquoise. And then I breathe again. It’s boring, it’s frustrating, and I feel ridiculous sitting there as the cat keeps nudging me to pay attention to her.

In the end, it’s all worth it, though, because I’m yelling less.

If you’d like to learn how to get started with mindfulness meditation, check out this great article on ZenHabits or spend some time on Mindful.org.

* * * * *

Carla Naumburg, PhD, is a mother, writer, and clinical social worker. She writes the Mindful Parenting blog for PsychCentral.com and is a contributing editor at Kveller.com. You can follow her writing on Facebook and Twitter.

Day 6 of The Orange Rhino’s Vacation…
If you are new to this blog, welcome! I am on a brief vacation and have collected several guest posts to share while I am taking a break. They are all from different parts of the world. Yes world. People are yelling less and loving more from Montana, United States to Ireland to Mexico to Australia and more. Pretty powerful if you ask me. We are ALL in this together. Have a fantastic week and if you ever feel alone, know that somewhere in the world, literally, there is an Orange Rhino awake working hard too. All my best for a great week…I’ll be back online around July 8th

Am I the mom I expected myself to be? Am I the wife I expected myself to be? Am I the friend, the neighbor, the sister, the daughter I expected…expect myself to be? Oh, I can pretty much answer no to all of those questions. Yes, I hold high expectations of myself. Yes, that is most definitely a trigger for my yelling. Yes, I am adjusting my expectations. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I am not alone. K. from Wales, United Kingdom shares her experience about the same topic. She is so brutally honest it is beautiful. Have a read and then let us know, do you relate?

* * * * *

My main trigger has to be the constant adjustment and realisations of not being the mummy I expect myself to be, or the person I was before having children. 

Ultimately it’s the journey of finding my way that underlies my yelling.

I have two amazing girls aged 4 and 6 and love them to pieces. Before children I was an active person cramming as much into life as possible, with travelling, being in the military as a volunteer and also teaching children with Special Needs, with the patience of a Saint. My first pregnancy and birth did not only not go to plan or follow any of the suggested journey’s and outcomes in the books 😉 It turns out my body is not a good pregnant body, and after 2 C-sections and significant wear and tear on my back, I am no longer even half as active as I was. I have high expectations of what a good mum should be, but as I don’t live on the TV, with a huge family support network and children that comply with every demand, that’s been a bit of a wake up call.

I also for some reason seem to have misplaced my patience where my own children are concerned and have become this volatile mass of complexity that is slowly unraveling as I adjust and resolve my life plan step by step.

I have weekly physio on my back which is likely to continue for another year, so cumulatively with everything, I wont be going back to teaching, or the military and my life has had to adjust on a journey I never anticipated.

This process is my top trigger to yelling at my little treasures as I come to terms with finding personal fulfillment in different avenues. To manage, and find a path, I set up my own sewing business on Heritage Crafts. This fits around life as a mummy as going back to my original career is not really and option. But as its not as extreme as travelling in the Borneo jungle, or working in the field of Autism I battle with myself feeling worthy. I then grasp a magical moment with my girls, when they say they love me, or when I cuddle and slightly lift (don’t tell my physio) my youngest and she automatically rubs my back, or seeing them set up a teddy bears picnic in the garden and singing in Welsh. I am doing a good job, they are happy, they are singing and despite the constant battle I have not to yell at them because I am finding things a challenge, they make me worthy.

I know its me that needs to give me a break, and Operation Orange Rhino has been a life line. I think I’m only about 4 days in as I’ve had to re start so many times but I’m getting better and my girls are worth every second.

~ K. from Wales, United Kingdom

Grrrr! What is not to love?! Photo by K. of Wales, U.K.

“I know its me that needs to give me a break.” Um, I could have written that line myself. And I also could have written the line “finding fulfillment in different venues.” K has touched upon many thoughts I have dared not write about. Thank you K for sharing and giving me the nudge to address these thoughts more! And good luck to you!

Day 4 of The Orange Rhino’s Vacation…
If you are new to this blog, welcome! I am on a brief vacation and have collected several guest posts to share while I am taking a break. They are all from different parts of the world. Yes world. People are yelling less and loving more from Montana, United States to Ireland to Mexico to Australia and more. Pretty powerful if you ask me. We are ALL in this together. Have a fantastic week and if you ever feel alone, know that somewhere in the world, literally, there is an Orange Rhino awake working hard too. All my best for a great week…I’ll be back online around July 8th!

I am a visual person. Always have been, always will be. Drives my husband nuts! He’ll call me from work to talk numbers and I will be without pen and paper to write the finances down and I freak. Like really freak. “Just hold on! I can’t do the numbers in my head. I have to see them. Give me a few minutes to find pen and paper.” Well, it goes into all aspects of my life. It is a blessing and a curse. I measure progress visually. That is why I love Weight Watchers – I track what I ate and can SEE that I am on target, that I can do it. And that is why I made a visual time counter for my blog for The Orange Rhino Challenge. I needed to “see” the days go by; I needed to see that I could do it.  I’d like to say the fact that I am a visual person is why seeing progress in charts or numbers motivates me so much and keeps me going. But I am going to guess that it goes beyond my visual-neediness. I am going to guess that somewhere there is proof that tracking things visual is indeed a great way to stay on track.

That said…I encourage everyone to find a way to track his/her progress on his/her yelling less journey. Lisa from Australia wrote to me about how she is tracking her progress and I love it! It is beautiful and simple and reflects a great mentality…

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A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about the Orange Rhino challenge, and she told me about an idea she’d had to buy a stock of orange beads and get a really lovely container for them, the idea being to put one bead in the jar for each day that she manages not to yell. I loved the idea, and we both agreed that the beads should stay in the jar, no matter what happened the next day.

At the time, I was feeling somewhat demoralised because I would manage a day or two, then something would happen, I’d slip up and be back to zero. I felt a little like there was no point because I was never going to manage a week, much less a year. By going back to zero all the time, I felt like I was making no progress. For me, the idea of the jar was to have a visual reminder, even on the days where I’d slipped and gone back to zero, of the fact that I had made some progress. If I could get one bead in the jar, then I could get another. If I could get two beads in the jar in a row, then I could get two beads again. And I could fill that jar.

Then came the tricky part of actually finding the beads. We both have struggled to find anything appropriate (and affordable – I did find some lovely orange crystals, but at $10 for 4 of them, I simply couldn’t afford not to yell regularly). Finally, last weekend, I happened upon a bead shop – hundreds of thousands of beads of all sizes, types and colours. I bought myself a heap of small beads and set about thinking of an appropriate container. As I was considering where to go to buy a container (I had deliberately held off buying a container until I had the beads, since I didn’t know what size I would end up with or what style), I remembered a crystal perfume bottle that had been given to me many years ago as a gift and for which I’d had no use other than as an ornament. As it had a heart shaped stopper, I decided it would be the perfect container for my orange beads. The growing collection of beads would remind me of what I had achieved, the stopper would remind me why it’s worth the effort.

Today, I am again at zero after a particularly difficult morning where I lost my cool. But my love jar still has some orange beads in to remind me that I CAN go without yelling. It reminds me, as I look at it, of the particularly difficult days when I did manage to hold it together, did manage to survive my triggers and/or my son’s misbehaviour. And it reminds me that tomorrow is another day, and maybe tomorrow I will be able to add another bead to the jar.

~ Lisa, Australia

I love this idea so much that I am looking into buy orange glass beads in bulk for all of us to use! Other ideas for visual tracking: draw orange hearts on a calendar for good days, tie an orange ribbon around the fridge handle on good days, add an orange bead to a bracelet for good moments, or put orange stickers on a chart and reward yourself. Get creative! Thanks Lisa and Monica!

Day 2 of The Orange Rhino’s Vacation…
If you are new to this blog, welcome! I am on a brief vacation and have collected several guest posts to share while I am taking a break. They are all from different parts of the world. Yes world. People are yelling less and loving more from Montana, United States to Ireland to Mexico to Australia and more. Pretty powerful if you ask me. We are ALL in this together. Have a fantastic week and if you ever feel alone, know that somewhere in the world, literally, there is an Orange Rhino awake working hard too. All my best for a great week…I’ll be back online around July 8th!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

Many of you have written to me in emails that you “see red” all the time and therefore scream all the time. Wow. I had totally forgotten that the saying “seeing red” means to be ridiculously angry when I chose the name Orange Rhino. As such, many of you have asked me, wouldn’t have Red Rhino been a better, more accurate name for the Challenge? You know, because yelling generally stems from anger, from seeing red? Well yes, it would have been better if I wanted to still see red. But I didn’t want to see red anymore, I wanted to see orange, I needed to see orange. I wanted to see warmth in my actions towards my kids; I wanted them to see warmth from me. I wanted to feel the energy and determination that the color orange represents…and I wanted to see myself transform from always seeing and feeling red to seeing and feeling orange! Hence Orange Rhino and not Red Rhino.

I am glad I chose orange because now anytime I see the color orange, I am indeed reminded of my promise to not yell and of all the positive feelings I wanted to feel. When I see orange I think, I can do this. I have the energy. I am determined. I will do this. It is amazing what happens when we “see” things in a certain way.

Which is why I found this email from Kim, an Orange Rhino, so wonderfully powerful. How we “SEE” things is huge. Here is a take on how Kim is starting to see orange by seeing things in a different way.

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First of all, thank you so much for being the Orange Rhino that you are and for sharing your experiences with us all. Your voice is so authentic, vulnerable and real. It’s those qualities that allows all of us in cyberspace the feeling of connectedness, with you, each other, and ourselves. Thank you.

Last night I had a realization and this morning I feel that part of honoring my realization and making it real and solid for myself includes sharing it.

I read your blog because, yes, I’m a recovering yeller. Lately, I don’t feel like yelling is my obstacle, per say. Tone of voice, attitude and irritability on the other hand, BIG problems. What I realized last night, after watching a PBS documentary about children in India coming together as a community to get water for their families, was that I need to see my children.

Really SEE them.

Pay attention to their individual souls. Because when I focus on SEEing them, feeling them, my focus is not on my own childish self. My husband has gently suggested that often my interaction with the boys reminds him of a teenage sister who is babysitting her younger siblings. That was hard to hear, but so true. So much of my reaction to them has been based on my own desire to be left alone, to not be bothered, to not be annoyed, to have beautifully behaved children so my life is easier.  In other words, not because I want them to grow as individuals and get along well in life, but just so I cannot be bothered. So when they are bouncing and not listening at bath time, I can step back and realize they aren’t intentionally trying to piss me off, they are just seeking attention from me because I wasn’t available earlier in the day. I can SEE them saying, hey mom, look at me, BE with me, SEE me, I’m trying to be funny, that’s who I am, I’m trying to interact with you.

And yes, realizing that I need to SEE them brings me to the next realization, which is, I also need to SEE me. Maybe I need some time alone, some peace and quiet. But that doesn’t mean it needs to be ALL day. I can see me and take care of me and then see those two boys who are growing and changing before my eyes.

As I write this, I’m reminded that this is exactly what you speak to in your blog. Today it’s finally sinking in for me. I had to share. Thank you for the space to do just that.

Hugs,
Kim S.
Montana, United States

I loved this email. Thank you Kim. May we all SEE our children and ourselves, really truly, so that we may see more orange and less red. Thank you for the insight! 

504 days of loving more!

“Mommy, what time do you go to bed?”

Before I even answered with, “oh, normally 10:00 ish” I stopped and thought, “why was my son asking me this? This is odd.” Then it dawned on me. I knew the genesis behind this seemingly innocent question; he was trying to figure out how many hours it would be from the moment I left his room to go downstairs to the moment I returned for bed. He was trying to figure out how many hours he could stay up late playing before I busted him! Oh, I was so on to him. Or so I thought.

“Why are you asking me this?” I said.

“Well, I want you to go to bed early, you know, so you can be calm and not cranky like today.”

He answered ever so slyly while batting his eyelashes. This line was right out of my mouth; it was totally something I say when I am tired and it is a reason I give him for why sleep is important. In other words, when delivered with batting eyelashes I knew it was bologna.

“Try again, I don’t think that is what you are really thinking.” I said politely.

“Well, yes and no. I think you stay up too late so um, um, just tell me, I’m interested.”  This time I decided to indulge him, why not right? He still had three minutes before lights out.

“I try to go to bed by 10:00, 9:30 on a good night. Because I do need my rest. Now tell me, really, why do you want to know?”

“Because I think you should go to bed at 7:00, like me. Because if you did, you would be a kid like me. And being a kid is fun. Way better than being a grown up. If you were a kid you would have so much fun!”

Speechless. I was absolutely speechless. But my mind wasn’t; I couldn’t stop thinking of all the things I would do if I were a kid.

If I were a kid, I would try to sneak out of my room at night to ask my mom for one last back rub.

If I were a kid, I would steal a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and run and hide in the living room and eat it instead of dinner.

If I were a kid, I would make plans to sneak down on Christmas Eve and catch Santa Claus in the act.

If I were a kid, I would tattle tale on my brother for not cleaning his room.

If I were a kid, I would cry and cry and cry some more if my dolly and blankie were lost.

If I were a kid, I would spill my milk at breakfast, lunch and dinner and then whine that my dress was all wet.

If I were a kid, I would run around screaming and jumping and playing tag with my friends inside because it was raining and I felt cooped up.

If I were a kid, I would take my time going to school because I wanted to pack every toy I had.

If I were a kid, I would complain if leftovers were served because it just wasn’t what I wanted. Period.

If I were a kid, I would ask my mommy a thousand questions to keep her from leaving me at night just so that I could have more one on one time. I might even ask my mommy what time she went to bed.

If I were a kid, I wouldn’t want to be yelled at for doing any of the above. If I were a kid….

Wait. I was a kid. I was a kid and I wanted to be understood, loved, and taught, just not yelled at. I was rarely yelled at as a kid and for that I am grateful. I remember all of the above situations clear as day; and I remember being spoken to in a firm voice if needed but always a calm, understanding, and “let me help you understand so you don’t do it again” voice. And it worked. Again, I am grateful because I have been yelled at as an adult, and it feels awful. Beyond awful. I don’t want to be yelled at as an adult, so why would I want to be yelled at if I were a kid?

Tonight, as my son hemmed and hawed and questioned away, and I watched the clock tick-tock closer to 7:00, closer to my break time, I found myself getting antsy and wanting to shout, “just go to bed and don’t you dare sneak out!” Instead, his simple reminder of what it is like to be a kid evoked my empathy.

My son reminded me that I too was once a kid; that everything my kids have done that has made me want to yell…I did too. I too stayed up late to play; I too peppered my mom with questions galore; I too did things that drove my mom nuts, intentionally or not. If I did all the things my kids do and I didn’t want to be yelled at because it scared me, why should I turn around and yell at my kids for behavior I so very much understand and induce fears I so very much experienced?

This picture could totally be of my brother and me.

And my son reminded me that kids are just kids and that part of being a kid is exploring and having fun. Oh when I used to yell at my kids for doing what they deemed to be “fun” things like pouring out the cereal to find the prize, playing tag around me while I was on the phone, or splashing each other and accidentally me during bath time, I was taking a bit of fun out of childhood and really, why do that unnecessarily? Because while I do have fun as an adult, it just isn’t that same as when I was a kid. My son was right, being a kid IS fun. Sure, sometimes the fun gets out of control and needs re-directing but it doesn’t need yelling. I can handle fun situations turned funky by remaining calm and not shaming the spirit of fun. My parents taught me that and my son reminded me of that tonight for which I am grateful.

And perhaps most importantly, tonight my son reminded me that I can teach him and his brothers how to be a good kiddo without yelling at him because that it is exactly what my parents did.

Not yelling is hard. But it can be done. And it is way more fun than the alternative. And feels a heck of a lot better. For everyone involved, kids and adults alike.

502 days of loving more!

I like to be productive.
There, I said it.
I like to cross things off my to-do list.
Notice I say my to-do list, because yes, the list normally is all about me.

This list often includes: clean the kitchen, send emails, call friends, and organize playroom. You know, things that make me feel productive, accomplished, in touch, and organized. You know, things that make me happy and calm.

This list does not often include anything about my boys, per say. It does not often include: play board games with my boys, go to the park, paint pictures, or do science experiments. Sure sometimes the list has actions that have to do with my boys like: call pediatrician for well visit, make dentist appointment for boys, arrange playdates, or buy birthday present for a party. But hardly ever does my list have any direct actions about enjoying my kids and meeting their requests; you know doing things that would make them happy and would make me a “good, present mom.”

I often (or at least I feel that I do) prioritize my wish-list over my sons. And I often feel guilty about this. Really guilty. I mean, I want to be the super relaxed mom who doesn’t care about her to-do list and just wants to make play-doh creations. I try to be that mom. I stress that I am not that mom. A lot.

Oh, I hate that I focus on my to-do’s so much and that it is not my first instinct to think about what “can-do’s” I have the privilege to share with my kids that day. I hate that it is not my first instinct to realize and remember that when I hang out with my kids and do their wish-list items first, that doing so is something that does indeed make me happy, like really, super duper over-the-moon-happy. I hate that when I do play with my kids that even though I love it, right afterwards I can get the dreaded “shoot, I was unproductive” feeling in my stomach and immediately get back to my “I have to get a, b, and c done stat or I’ll go nuts and get cranky!”

Oh, how I struggle with my desire to be productive and also be a really present, fun mom. Last week I wrote about my struggle and my conclusion that being “unproductively productive” is a good thing. I wrote:

“Yes, six and a half years later I still struggle to accept that ‘unproductive’ intangible items like watching my kids reach important milestones, like looking out for my kid’s health, like teaching my kids to talk, to respect others, to be good people and like loving my kids unconditionally, the best that I can, when I can, are indeed, incredibly productive and not just incredibly productive, but also incredibly important.”

I wrote that and felt relieved. Aha! Finally, I had accepted a really important truth! Aha! Finally, I had figured out how to manage how my need to be productive triggered me to yell if I didn’t get a lot done that day; I just needed to redefine productive! Aha! Finally, I had gained insight into what really matters in life: organizing Legos by size, shape and color to make the most symmetric spaceship ever with my sons, not organizing Legos into bins to make the most tidy, efficient bookcase ever (by myself.)

With all these aha’s you would have thought I felt fantastic all last week. And I did. I did feel like a weight had lifted but at the same time, there was this growing feeling in my stomach of, but wait, was that a genuine post?

Did I really believe what I wrote? Did I really think that being “unproductively productive” was a good thing, something I really wanted, or was I fooling myself to feel better about my stress, my trigger, my personal struggle? The conclusion I came to was simple. And perhaps controversial.

Yes, I do believe that being “unproductively productive” is important, very important. Yes, being “unproductively productive” with my kids is something I want to embrace more and more. And yes, being “productively productive” is ALSO important, very important. And yes, being “productively productive” is something I will continue to embrace.

You see, I have learned during my journey to yell less and love more that taking care of me is really important. This means understanding me, understanding my needs, what makes me calm down, what makes me happy, what makes me feel relaxed enough to handle all the chaos and ups and downs that come with being a parent. I quickly realized over the past year and a half that if I am not happy or relaxed then my chances of staying calm enough to not yell are small.

And guess what? Organizing makes me happy. Cleaning my kitchen calms me down. Vacuuming makes me happy. Dirty dishes and clutter do not; they make me stressed. I know there are sayings that go along the lines of “the dishes will always be there, but precious moments with kids will not.” And I agree with this statement wholeheartedly which is why I used to feel guilty when I chose cleaning the real ceramic dinner dishes covered in spaghetti sauce over “cleaning” the purple plastic miniature dishes in the play kitchen covered in hot fudge, ketchup and pickle juice with my two year old.

This is the end of my kitchen counter. It keeps me sane. If I need calm, I organize it. If it is overwhelmed with clutter, I get cranky and close to yelling. Notice the stress relief hand lotion there for that exact reason!

But this past year and half I realized that it is OKAY to want to clean the real dishes. It is OKAY to want to be productive in order to stay calm. It is OKAY to need to be productive in order to get calm. It is OKAY to say, “I need to do something for ME in order to be there for my kids and not yell at them.” I do not have to feel guilty or embarrassed because I chose the dishes over my kids. The Orange Rhino Challenge has taught me to feel proud about learning what I need to do for me so that I can yell less and love more.

And it has taught me that struggling to be some one that I am not, struggling to push myself to be a person who doesn’t need or want to be productive just because that is what I feel I should be to be a good mom, just makes me stressed out! And we know a stressed out mom, is a yelling mom!

Wanting to be “productively productive” is okay.
Wanting to be “unproductively productive” is also okay.

What is more than okay, is finding the balance between both. And that is what I will continue to strive for so that I can continue to be true to who I am as a person and who I want to be as a mom. What I will not continue to do is push myself to be one or the other, because that just makes me want to scream!

What makes you happy? Is there something you want to do to stay sane but choose not to because you feel guilty? 

Read the post “Unproductively Productive”, the post that inspired this post, here.