65 days down, 300 to go!
Dear Mean Man at Smashburger (story here),
I had words for you a year ago and I have words for you now. I am no longer going to let your past meanness make my stomach turn every time I drive by Smashburger. I am no longer going to avoid eating somewhere I want because of my embarrassment from yelling at you. I am no longer going to be afraid of running into you and having to relive that awful encounter we “shared.” Why? Because I found courage to overcome those fears. So prepare yourself to be seeing me again. I know I’m ready, are you?
Peace,
The Orange Rhino
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1 man. I was afraid of running into 1 random man for 12 months. 12 months. That’s 365 days of ridiculousness and numerous missed opportunities of enjoying a good greasy burger. I know that is a wee bit dramatic but you get the point. I let fear, a pretty irrational and easy to overcome one, keep me from enjoying a good thing. And I didn’t just miss out on the burger. Every time I drove past Smashburger and mentally relived that horrific moment I lost touch with the current moment. I lost touch of a moment that I could be enjoying. And since I am awesome at dwelling, I lost touch of other moments later in the day too.
Yeah, I have issues. I get that.
I get that normal people wouldn’t let some things a stranger said get to them for 12 months. But what can I say, the fact that he picked on me when I was vulnerable, sad and frustrated because I didn’t know what was wrong with my son, the fact that he picked on my son when he too was vulnerable, sad and frustrated, well it just hit a nerve.
It hit a nerve so hard that I couldn’t let go of it for 12 months.
Until today.
Today I found the courage to go into Smashburger and get those fries I wanted a year ago. After 365 days I found the courage.
And where did I find said courage?
The Orange Rhino Challenge.
How you ask? That doesn’t make sense. What do not yelling and courage have to do with each other?
Oh so much. It took major courage to admit to myself, to my family, to my friends, to the cyber world that I yell too much. And it took major courage, perhaps even more, to decide to change and stop yelling at my kids, because in doing so, I knew I was taking on a very difficult challenge. And I was, and still am, desperately afraid of failing and reverting to being the mom who I like, but don’t always love because she yells. But I needed to take on This Challenge, for my kids and myself, even if it was going to be hard, even if I was afraid.
And so it donned on me yesterday, if I can find the courage to start this challenge, and go 65 days without yelling, then I certainly can find the courage to go into a silly fast food restaurant and buy some fries. And I can even run into the mean man if our paths are meant to cross.
Because, now, 1 year later, I am an Orange Rhino. I am a mom (person) who has the energy, determination and STRENGTH to forge ahead and exist with more composure and warmth (and certainly without the yelling)!
I am a mom who has the COURAGE to change. I am a mom willing to admit I was being silly. I am a mom who CAN do something she didn’t ever think she could do in a thousand years. Whether that means not yelling at my kids or going into Smashburger. And I am glad I have changed. Not just because I finally got my fries (which of course didn’t live up to my expectations, perhaps because victory of overcoming my fear tasted better?) but also for this reason.
I didn’t go to Smashburger for an entire year because of how badly that experience made me feel. One man’s nastiness when I was vulnerable, sad, and frustrated made me feel that way 10x over and silently impacted my life in little ways for a year. (I know that sounds silly, but it is true. Gosh did I get a sinkin’ feeling in my stomach every.single.time. I had to drive by en route to the grocery store.) I felt all this tension and I am an adult.
So, imagine how my kids felt when I used to yell at them when they were vulnerable, sad, and frustrated???
When they just wanted to be loved and held and told it was alright after I stepped on a favorite toy they left out and my foot broke it? When they just needed love, not a snide lecture, when they didn’t want to go to bed because they were scared of monsters but couldn’t explain that to me?
Imagine how I made them feel. Imagine how long they feel, not felt, that pain? I know kids are supposedly resilient and forget but still.
Just sayin’…. Food for thought.
So I am glad I have changed. I am glad I found the courage to do this Challenge and I am so glad I have found you all, The Orange Rhino Community. The Community that has supported me via Facebook messages, by reading my blog, by sharing themselves. You might not realize it but you helped me find the courage I needed to achieve this today:
Notice the fries are almost all gone?! Or are you too busy laughing at my "cover up" attempts to stay anonymous?! Either way, I DID IT!!!
See? I actually did it!!! I wasn’t just writing about it! I walked right on in, head held high, and bought my fries. Yes, I surveyed the restaurant over and over for Mr. Mean. Yes, I had a few butterflies in my stomach. And YES I feel GREAT. In fact, I am still giddy.
Because today I Smashed a fear. I heard it Sizzle out and disappear. And then I Savored the moment. I savored how great it felt to have the strength and courage to do something I was afraid to do, to do something I didn’t think I could do. It. Was. Awesome. Kind of like realizing that I’ve gone 65 days without yelling at my kids, something I never thought I could do, something I never had the courage to do. It. Is. Awesome.
hilarious.