Here’s the thing –> I feel lost, alone and even dare I say empty sometimes. BUT… Here’s the other thing –> I realized just the other day that while these feelings can be heavy and oh so not fun, they are also kinda beautiful and exciting. Hear me out. Follow my lovely brain around as it connects random dots, as it does so well. Let’s start from the top with the feeling lost, alone and even dare I say empty sometimes.
When I was in high school, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had plans. Direction. I wanted to work in the nonprofit sector. I didn’t want to go to a liberal arts college. I didn’t really want to go to a business school but I realized that would give me the skills I needed to someday manage a nonprofit company.
So off I went. When I was in college, my plans changed a bit. I still knew what I wanted though. I had a vision, I had goals, I had plans. I felt grounded and I knew where I belonged and where I was. I knew who I was. I was far from lost.
When I graduated college and started my first job, which while it wasn’t in the nonprofit world, it did give me the skills I would need and allowed me to do nonprofit fundraising as part of it (saweeet), I still felt like I knew who I was and where I was going. I even knew who I wanted to be outside of work. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to be a mom. Eventually I got married. Eventually we decided to move from New Jersey to North Carolina.
And eventually I got pregnant and I became a mom. It didn’t make sense for me to work for lots and lots of reasons. It was the right choice then. And continued to be with each son that was born thereafter.
But as each son was born, and each year that passed, somehow I started to feel more and more lost. I wasn’t used to having free time. I sure as heck didn’t really have it when I worked! And when I was in college and not working, I was working towards a goal and well now, now, I didn’t really have goals except get through the day. –>Who was I? What were my hobbies? What made me happy besides being a mom? I wasn’t used to not having goals.
Sure I had goals like “get kiddo to nap and hope he naps” and “get other kiddo to try new food and hope it isn’t sprayed across the room” and “get other kiddo to go pee in the potty and not on the floor.” But I didn’t have personal goals. Career goals. I’m a goal oriented person. Growth oriented. –>Where was I going? –>What do I want? –>How do I really feel about my life? I wasn’t used to asking all of these questions to myself…by myself, more and more often.
I had friends but as the years passed, my friend group got smaller and smaller. The divorce didn’t help. My kids going to different schools didn’t help. Life happening, didn’t help. Me having more kids than others, didn’t help. Me having kids with a little more energy than others, didn’t help.
So yes, as the years have passed, I have felt more lost, and more alone, and put them together and that has brought out feelings of emptiness at times. In the last month these feelings have surfaced. I’ve been so busy with getting my kid off to college and working on the home renovation that I’ve isolated myself. It hasn’t been intentional. Just reality.
Okay, and I could do a lot better about reaching out! And well, I’m struggling with the direction of my business. I thought for sure I knew where I was going and what I wanted, but I am doubting it and wondering if it will succeed. Lost. Lonely. And a little empty. At times. It happens. Gray Happens. It’s temporary. I know these feelings will pass. AND ALSO. They aren’t all that I’m feeling and there is an upside to them.
This is the dot…connecting part:) We are getting floors redone this week. The kitchen needed an entirely new floor because of 1,000 problems. Sweet. Long time coming to be honest.
But, we also moved one wall to create a pantry and a small office so other rooms needed weaving in of new wood. So the project became bigger than planned, because of course.
So anywho, I walked into the dining room the other day. It was physically EMPTY. Days before, it had been full of our temporary kitchen items. Days before, it had been full of our family, laughing, bickering, living.
Now it was EMPTY and yet…and yet…it wasn’t a bad thing, but it was… so PEACEFUL. so BEAUTIFUL. so INVITING. I had to sit down and take it in.
Okay, yes, it was sad at first. It reminded me of the first time my ex and I bought the home and moved in. The heaviness rolled in. Had I felt LOST? yes, a little. Had I felt LONELY? yes, a little. Was I kinda feeling that right now? Yeah, a little.
But also…how did I feel no longer carrying the weight of a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling, that wasn’t working? And how do I feel pursuing a company even though I feel lost?! LIGHTER a lot lighter. Lost, Lonely AND also LIGHTER all at the same time. Just like the room. It looked a little lost and lonely with no one and nothing in it but also…it was so much lighter and brighter! I quickly moved from the heavy feelings to seeing Opportunity.
It was like a big blank canvas. –> What would it look like next? –> How would I decorate it when the floor was re-done and we moved furniture back in? It was EMPTY but also EXCITING, promising. Every emotion has an equal and opposite emotion.
Okay, maybe not exactly, but that sounded good;) But it is close to the sentiment I am going for and I know you know what I mean. Somehow this empty, lost and lonely room, with its beautifully soft, sanded floor helped me to remember that.
So yes, I’m feeling a little lost, a little lonely and even a little empty right now as I try to find my way BUT I am reminded that isn’t all I’m feeling. I’m feeling lighter and excited too. And hopeful. HopeFULL. Both/and. Gray/Orange. What about you? How are you feeling these days? These months?
Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you are struggling to feel lighter and excited these days. I get the struggle. It isn’t always easy to see both/and. In fact some days it is outright impossible. That’s okay. I hope it passes soon.
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
