28 days down, 337 days to go!

Dear Orange Rhino Community,
I mean this with the upmost love and sincerity, but Darn You! Every time I want to quit, that I want to throw in the towel and say I can’t do this, it is too much, it is too hard, I am going to fail, and that I DECIDE to quit, one of you sends the most eerily perfect email or Facebook post that reassures me.  And then I think “sh*t” I can’t quit. And I don’t.  So I guess instead of saying “darn you,” I should be saying…

Thank you!

The Orange Rhino

*

Whenever I read one of your posts, or one of your emails, from a new or old Follower, I get excited that The Orange Rhino Community that I envisioned is actually forming. A community of parents supporting each other in the goal to parent with more warmth and composure and less yelling. A community where honesty isn’t frowned upon, but embraced. A community free of judgment, where I can safely admit that I yell too much. A community where it is okay to be REAL…where it is OKAY to admit I need help.

And oh boy do I need this Community. Why?

Because I SUCK at asking for help. Suck at it.

Just ask any of my local friends who tried to help me when my 4^th boy in 5 years arrived. They offered to bring food. To bring kids to camp. To bring groceries. I politely declined. Well except for the first day home from the hospital when I realized I needed Newborn size diapers for the first time ever and I needed even larger size breasts shield for using the breast pump because well the 4^th time around, things are just different! The last thing I could handle was a trip to Babies ‘R Us so I asked for helped. But that was it. That was pretty much the extent of my asking for help at a time when obviously, I really needed it. I didn’t ask for help when I felt I just couldn’t make it through another day. I didn’t ask for help when I knew it would make my life easier, and better.

And why the hell not? Was I too proud? Too stubborn? Too sleep deprived to know any better?

No, I was just stupid. Okay, and perhaps a bit too proud. Okay, and probably too stubborn also.

I wanted to prove to people that I could handle 4 kids under 5 (mostly) by myself, that I didn’t need that much help. Why? Because so many people told me that I was crazy to have 4 kids in 5 years. That I was screwed to have 4 boys. That I needed full time help and then some. Which I of course I took to mean: that I couldn’t do it on my own, that I was not capable, but weak, that I made a mistake having so many kids so close together.

Yes, all of these are my personal issues. None of my friends were saying what I felt they were. And no, I don’t think anyone I know who asks for help is incapable or weak, I actually think they are strong and wise. So my logic in not asking for help, even though when others do I think it is a good move, well it was totally flawed!

Yes, I should have just asked for help. Asked for someone to bring me coffee. Asked for someone to come help me organize clothes (we had just moved). Asked for someone to make that second trip to Babies ‘R Us. But you see, I like to give back. I like to give, period. So I feel bad asking and accepting help knowing that I can’t return the favor in the near future. So, I only take help when I know I can return the favor.

Well, again, this is just stupid and stubborn. I know.

Because everyone needs help at times. And it is OKAY to ask for help. I’m going to say that again so maybe I start to believe it, haha. IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP! There will be a time when the tables are turned. When I will be able to give all that I want to give and there will be a mom, either one I know or perhaps one I’ve met through this Challenge, that will need my help, my support. A mom who won’t be able to return the favor. And guess what – I won’t expect her to and I will be glad to help her.

So I guess I’ve learned my lesson. This go ‘round, as I take on my “5^th” child, The Orange Rhino Challenge, I readily admit that I need help. There I said it.

I need help. I need help keeping my promise to my boys to not yell for 365 days. It’s a big promise. A big big one. But it is oh so important to me and my boys. I simply have to keep it! I knew I couldn’t take on this challenge by myself, I knew that I would need the support. I knew that I would need a community to turn to when I just want to SCREAMMMMMMM! Which is exactly why I created the blog and opened myself up. And you all have been there, and helped me. Thank gosh for facebook, thank gosh for you!

So please, keep doing what you are doing. Send me emails, share my posts, post on my FB page that I can do it when I say I want to scream because you are helping me in a big BIG way. Your support and enthusiasm for The Orange Rhino Challenge inspires me to keep going, even when it is beyond TOUGH.

And P.S. My four boys, #1, #2, #3, and #4, they Thank you too because they much prefer the new mommy who “gives lots more hugs and kisses.”

www.TheOrangeRhino.com
www.Facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino

27 days down, 338 to go!

Dear Leap Day,
You’re just the Day that keeps on giving! Last week you helped me realize that I need to have more faith in myself that I can take on The Orange Rhino Challenge,  that I can succeed both in not yelling and in sharing. Well in realizing this, you also made me realize something else, something even more powerful. It’s not just about me. Forget just having more faith in myself, I need to have more faith in my kiddos.

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

These last few days have been really quite hard. I’ve struggled. There is simply no doubt. Why? Well, amongst other reasons, my kiddos have been collapsing in tears over everything and nothing and it is draining. Draining, draining, draining! I’ve done my best to give full attention to the tears, but I have to be honest, after a while I find myself drowning in what starts to feel like drama. I find myself thinking, really? Really you are crying again? Over that?  #2 took your toy, again. Okay. That’s not new news. #3 won’t share. Okay. That’s not new news either. That’s nothing, no big deal.

Now, wait, who am I to judge what is everything or nothing? What seems like nothing to me, “he took my sticker off my shirt and now it won’t re-stick” could be everything to #2 (in fact it was, the sticker was from a friend so it did mean everything, it meant he was liked).

So, the way I see it, not only do I have to have more faith in myself, but also I have to have more faith in my kids.  More faith that even though they are “just kids” who tend to cry a lot, chances are that when they are really REALLY upset, that something REAL is going on. More faith that their feelings are REAL and important TO THEM, even if at the time, they seem trivial and annoying to me!

Today would have been a great day to have more faith from the start. Today was oh so full of emotional outbursts!  Full of them. The cup poureth over. Every time I turned around to ask my sweet first born to do something simple, like clear his plate, he started bawling. And when he wasn’t hysterical, #2 was. The crying NEVER STOPPED.

Now, my first instinct when one of my boys is in an emotional, full on tears, tirade, for the third or fourth time that day! is to yell “ENOUGH ALREADY!!!” (It gets just a tad bit exhausting and irritating, you know?) It hardly ever dawns on met at that moment that when there are big tears and big emotions over small things that there is usually something else going on. That it’s not just nothing. That it’s REAL. Sometimes it is just exhaustion. Sometimes it is just that he is having a bad day. But sometimes, well lots of times actually, it is something bigger and it feels like everything to him.

But always, always if I just STOP and ask what is going on, I get an answer. And if I am uber patient and uber persistent, I get the REAL answer.

Somewhere, somehow, I got the strength and brilliance this afternoon to hold #1 and ask him nicely what was going on, instead of chiding him for his behavior over small, silly things (which is what I used to do. Sigh).

“What is going on? Why have you been crying all day? Why the big tears?”

“Mommy, I’m sad that I don’t get more daddy time. I want two daddys. One that works and one that stays home and plays with me all day.”

“Is that all?”

“No, I want more mommy time. I want two mommys. You play with my brothers all the time. You love them more than me.  I want one mommy that plays with just me and one that plays with my brothers.”

Well, that just about broke my heart. Here I had been wanting to yell at him all day, growing more and more agitated by his outbursts and he just wanted more mommy and more daddy time. If that wasn’t eye opening I don’t know what is. Imagine if I had asked him this question at the START of the day instead of 4:00? Imagine if I hadn’t just assumed he was crying because, well, that is what kids tend to do from time to time. Sure would have made for a much smoother day full of more love and understanding and much less agitation.

It amazes me that before The Orange Rhino challenge, I never would have taken the energy to stop and ask what was up, why the big tears. I would have probably just focused my energy on yelling and getting my son to do what I had asked.

I am so grateful that I couldn’t yell today. That I was forced to stop and ask what was going on, to find out if it was truly nothing, or if it was everything. Because what my son told me was super important, REAL important, way more important than any of the silly chores that I wanted him to do.

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
www.TheOrangeRhino.com 

21 days down, 344 to go!

Dear G.I. Joe (Jane),
Aren’t you the one who says “knowing is half the battle?” Well if I feel like half the time I don’t know anything about being a mom does that mean I have half a battle ahead of me for the next 25 plus years or just one hell of a big one? Do I even stand a chance of survival? If not, please come rescue me or at least send me more reinforcements in the form of friends, caffeine, babysitters and hot fudge ice cream sundaes.

Sincerely,

The Orange Rhino

*

Yes, please come rescue me.

Rescue me from the Great Stomach Bug Infestation of 2012 that has my 7 month old, 7 month old!, vomiting every day for 7 days straight. All he wants to do is eat, and every time I feed him, he vomits. The poor thing isn’t old enough to eat Saltines, drink ginger ale, or take any medicine so I basically have nothing I can do to soothe him except hold him and even that isn’t working.  So he just screams most of the day and at night, and well last night, I think he screamed on and off from 1:30 am until 5:00… I lost track of the time. I wish I KNEW what to do to help him.

And please rescue you me from 3+ weeks of my 2 ½ year olds sleeping habits progressively getting worse to the point of a 30 minute nap (instead of 2 hours) and being up 3-4 times a night inconsolable. My sweet #3 used to sleep like a champ: he put himself to sleep and put in some good solid hours for me. Now? It’s an absolute train wreck and it is pushing me to the edge. I don’t know how to help him overcome this whatever the he*l it is. Snuggling him is making matters worse, crying it out isn’t working, etc, etc….I am at my wits end with this one – both the problem and my son – because all I want is one night of uninterrupted sleep! I just wish I KNEW what to do to help him.

So I guess what I am saying G.I.Joe  is…

Rescue me from the horrific feeling of helplessness that comes with being a mom.

Because right now, more than anything, I feel helpless. Truly and utterly helpless.

And all I want to do is scream. Scream scream scream until somehow I KNOW how I can help my kids feel better, how I can stop the madness so that I don’t lose it and yell at them unnecessarily. I hate not knowing what to do. I hate feeling so powerless in my ability to help someone I love so much. It makes me feel frustrated, so clueless,

so insecure in myself as a mom.

And this feeling of helplessness, of not knowing, isn’t unique to this week, to this situation. Every week (or is it day?!)  I feel like there is a new parenting challenge, a new question that I don’t have the answer to. This week it happens to be the stomach bug, next week it will be something different.

Does he or doesn’t he have a Peanut Allergy? Do we get a second opinion? How do we move forward?

Does he or doesn’t he need to have his eyes checked? Or does he just not want to learn the alphabet? Should I be doing something different?

Does he or doesn’t he need to have Occupational Therapy? Is it a problem? Or just a personality quirk?

I just DON’T KNOW.

Sure there are books, and doctors, and friends and family members to ask for advice but at the end of the day it is up to ME. I am the one living in the situation, experiencing it firsthand. I have the most knowledge even if it doesn’t feel like a lot sometimes. I am the one who needs to ultimately figure out what is best for my child and our family.

And all this not knowing and “learning on the job,” well quite frankly, it stresses me out. My head is constantly bombarded with questions about what should I be doing as a parent? Am I parenting right? Am I parenting well enough? How do I handle this situation? The attack on my brain, on my self-confidence in my ability to parent, can leave me feeling so stressed and so helpless (and sometimes hopeless) that I just want to scream half the time.

And as a matter of fact, last night round about 3:48 am, when the baby was crying (again), #1 was crying from a nightmare and #3 was crying because that is what he does now, I did scream. I went into the guest room and screamed “What the F…” louder than intended.  Because the pressure of all three kids needing me at once – and not knowing who to tend to first – was enough to make me explode.

Last night’s rant, even if in private, was too close for comfort. TOOOO close. It is so easy to slip into the rageful screaming mode when the pressure is on. When the kids are crying and you’ve tried everything and can’t stop them. When you are exhausted and know you can’t sleep because you are needed. When the kids are cantankerous and you’re on your own.  Last night, it took all the will power I could find to scream at the guest bed instead of at my kids. And it is a good thing I did…

Because my kids didn’t need to be yelled AT, they just needed ME.

And me, I just needed to yell OUT, to release.

I needed to rescue me, from myself. I needed to stop my rant from starting so that I could pull it together and give my kids what they needed at that moment:  to be held, to be rocked, to be snuggled, to be loved.

I might not know everything about being a mom, and it might feel like a huge uphill battle trying to figure it all out “on the job.” But at least there is one very important thing I do know now: that half the time, it’s my stress, my feeling helpless, and not my kids behavior, that makes me want to yell at them and “knowing (that) is half the battle” to winning this challenge.

17 days down,  348 to go!

Dear Mom,

Thanks for helping out with the kids this week during the Great Stomach Bug Infestation of 2012. You have been a huge help. And thanks for just making the most annoying comment ever, it too was a big help as it inspired tonight’s post. You know I love you but sometimes, I would love you more if you kept those precious thoughts to yourself.

xoxo,

Your daughter, a.k.a, The Orange Rhino

*

“You’re boys are just so precious. You must just sit back and love every single minute of being a mom. “

Um, has she not been living here this week with me? Is that just a shell of herself helping me with no eyes and no ears? Has she not witnessed all the fights from being cooped up sick all week? Or am I just a shallow person who is awful for thinking that um, no, I don’t love every single minute of being of mom?  In fact, GASP!, there are sometimes that I outright find motherhood and my “precious boys” so infuriating that I just want to yell AND there are lots of times when I just want to yell at my kids for being “just so precious.”

There I admitted it. Not only am I a Yeller but I don’t always love being a mom. Phew! That feels good to get off my chest even though I know it is not a popular thing to admit… please don’t hate me for my honesty.

Do I love my children? Absolutely. I love them more than I ever knew I could love someone.

Do I think they are precious? Of course I do, they are my boys and they are beyond precious.

Do I just sit back … um no, does any mom have time to just sit back???!

Do I love every single minute of being a mom? No. If I am lucky, maybe 1 day a week I love every single minute of being a mom. If I am fairly lucky, I will go through most of the day feeling that way. But on an average day, it’s 50/50. And on a bad day, well forget about it. 25 love/ 75 want-to-pull-my –hair-out is being generous.

So dear mom, why do you feel the need to say things like you did? So that I can be reminded that no, I don’t feel that way? So that I can feel like a crappy mom and person for feeling that motherhood, this most precious, remarkable journey everyone talks about, sometimes isn’t what it is cracked up to be and it drives me nuts to the point of being a screaming, mean mommy? I mean, what is wrong with me that I don’t love every single minute of being a mom? Was I not meant to be a mom? Am I not entitled to be a mom because I feel this way?

And my mom is not the only one “lovingly” sharing these insights. These people are everywhere! I know their intentions are good, and genuine, and all, but sometimes, I wish they would just keep their thoughts to themselves because they unintentionally make me feel like an inadequate mom for not feeling or acting that way!  The waitress at Friendly’s the other night said to me

“You must just sit home and laugh all day at your boys. They are just so funny.” If only she knew just how “funny” they can be.

Yeah, this morning, for example, they weren’t just their normal funny selves (which yes they actually can be) they were beyond hysterical. I had just completed my 7th night of Musical Beds/Floors and no sleep. I was certain that I was going to kiss Day 17 good bye this morning well before the clock read 8 am as we had not been downstairs 10 minutes when the following set-up occurred:

The infamous Yellow Wagon.

Three kitchen chairs and a wagon. What’s so harmless?

Well, if you must know, darling #3 is currently in a very obsessive-possessive phase. He has three toys that he plays with all day: his toolbox, his tape measure, and of course, his wagon. The older two boys, on any given day, have no interest in these toys. They KNOW to stay away out of fear of the wrath of their younger brother. He is younger, but bigger and can tantrum longer and stronger than the two older ones combined. You simply don’t touch his toys. It ain’t worth the headache that follows or normally, the wrath from mommy that follows used to follow.

But this morning, together, #1 and #2, felt it absolutely necessary, in my fragile state, to take the wagon, which by the way, also held the blessed tape measure, and barricade it in and keep their younger brother from having it.

Well all hell broke loose. #3’s tantrum started at about 7:15am and lasted until 8:15am. Oh yes, he is a tantrumer. I stayed calm – or I was I just delirious and still asleep?

Me:
“#1 and #2 you aren’t even using the wagon, can he have it back, PLEASE”

Them (yelling):
“No. We never get a turn. He doesn’t share.”

Me:
“I know he doesn’t share. It isn’t fair. I’m working on that. But right now, I just can’t handle one of his marathon tantrums. Please give it to him for a few minutes. Please, I’m begging you.”

Them  (yelling):
“No.”

Really, no?  I mean give me a bloody break! Here they have no intentions of using the wagon, they aren’t even looking at it, except of course when their brother tries to touch it, and they have already moved on to a new game. Yet God Forbid they take the wagon out of “jail.” They would rather suffer though the obnoxious wailing sound that is consuming their brother and test me to see if I was going to lose it than share the blessed wagon.

Yeah, I just love every single minute of being a mom. And I just laugh all day. Ha. Ha. Ha.

So what did I do? I took a picture of the absolute absurdity of the moment. It didn’t stop the tantrum, but it did put everything into perspective.  A wagon.  All this yelling was over a wagon. I was going to throw away Day 17 of not yelling over a yellow Fisher-Price wagon.  Just saying that makes me laugh, and at the minute I took the picture, I laughed too.

So maybe the waitress was close to right. Maybe I don’t laugh all day, but maybe I should? Maybe that would keep me from losing it, it certainly did here.  Mental note: laugh more = yell less.

And maybe my mom was close to right. So maybe I don’t love every single minute of being a mom, and that is ok BECAUSE there is normally at least one minute of the day that  I do love being a mom, even on the really really bad days, like today. And I’ll take any and all of the minutes I can get because they are “precious.”

16 days down, 349 to go!

Dear Diet Coke,

What happened today? You are supposed to pick me-up and get me going no matter how tired I am. You are intentionally the first thing I drink at 7:30 am so that I can perk right up and get ready to handle the craziness that is my life. And today, I really needed you. Really really really needed you. That’s why I had two of you before 9:00 am. Did you not get the memo that last night I didn’t get to bed until 11:30 because of #1 vomiting…in my bed almost on my face? And that I got up off the floor where I was sleeping at 2:30 to clean up the baby’s vomit and then slept in his rocking chair until 4:00am when I went into #3’s room to soothe him and his sore tummy to sleep? I mean really, last night was the Musical Bed/Floor night from h*ll. I so needed you today. You left me high and dry, with nothing in the tank. I was dragging all day today. So bad that I had to lie down at the Pediatrician’s office! Well guess what? Without your help, I survived the day without passing out and better yet, without yelling! Sweet. 16 days down!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

So, t­he weirdest thing happened to me today. I didn’t yell. I know; that is the whole point of this challenge so that is what I should be doing. Not yelling. But by all means, today I should have yelled. In B.C. (Before Challenge) I certainly would have. Like 3 or 4 or more times. I had nothing, and I mean nothing in the tank today. Whereas my darling kids, their tanks were full.  Full of whining, crankiness, neediness, nagging, “why can’t I’s” and “you’re not fairs”.

Why can’t I have fruit gummies?
(You’ll throw up).

You’re not fair to not let me eat what I want!
(Tough sh*t, I don’t want to clean up anymore vomit).

Mommy, mommy, mommy who gets to choose the next TV show?
(I don’t care, just please lay still on the dark sofa so that if you do throw up, it’s not too badly stained).

I need a hug. No I do. No I do. NO I DO!
(We all do, but I am about to collapse so how but we all just sit on the couch and hold hands and sing Kumbaya).

Yeah, it was a really fantastic day (sarcasm). And don’t worry, I didn’t say any of the things above, just thought them while biting my tongue really, really hard.But, no seriously, it was a really fantastic day.

Because somehow, I didn’t yell. And that’s a miracle. Take today’s events and put them pack 6 months in B.C. and I would have no voice left and my kids well, they wouldn’t have any tears left to cry. You see, I need sleep. Like a good 8-10 hours of sleep. Without sleep, I tend to be a witch. I snap at everything (why can’t you put your shoes on, I’ve seen you do it before!). I have zero tolerance for anything (stop slurping your Pedialyte popsicles!). And I yell at everyone (STOP WHINING!). So given last night’s charades and lack of sleep, I can’t believe I didn’t yell today.

In fact, today it was more natural for me not to yell, than it was to yell.

Instead of yelling I removed myself to a different room and took a deep breath which by the way, although it worked, was a weird-out-of-body experience for me for two reasons. (1) I don’t know how to take deep breaths (couldn’t even do it right delivering 4 babies!) and (2) I am not used to being calm enough to remove myself from a situation before I yell.

And today it was more natural for me to laugh at the situation, instead of yell at the situation.

Let’s take dear, sweet, eyelash batting, #2 for example. It was 4:45 and I was working “hard” to get dinner on the table: you know, bagels and more blah carbs. #2 was missing. I couldn’t find him anywhere. So I looked in the dining room and this is what I found:

It's 4:45pm, do you know where your son is?

Can you figure that out? It is #2, hiding under the Dining Room table eating an English muffin that he had snuck out of the kitchen.

B.C. reponse:

“WHAT the heck are you doing? It’s almost dinner. Now you won’t eat your dinner. Can’t you wait 5 minutes?!” This would have definitely been in Level 6, not even Level 5. And let’s get real. The kid is getting over the stomach bug so this would have been totally unnecessary shaming.  Not cool.

The Orange Rhino response:
#2, what exactly are you doing? His response? “Eating. And Hiding.”

Laughing, I get the camera to capture the moment because this is EXACTLY something I would have done, no did do as a kid.

If it weren’t for this challenge, and this new person I’m becoming, I would not have enjoyed that moment. I would have lost it, literally and figuratively. And it was a moment worth cherishing because it was pretty funny to see myself as a child, in my own child. It was very cool.

I am so grateful I didn’t lose it today….

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
www.TheOrangeRhino.com 

14 days down, 351 days to go!

I think I'll add... "Because The Orange Rhino doesn't want to yell!"

Dear February 21st,

Every year I look forward to you less and less. I know, that is awful to say because birthdays are so important to me; I live for them! When I was a kid, my mom always made February 21^st feel like a national holiday in honor of me. She made me feel so special, so loved, so important. It was great having a day just FOR ME. And I loved it. But you see now that I am a mom, even though the day theoretically is about me, it’s not. It’s about these 4 kiddos I brought into this world and their needs. And while I love them dearly, I miss the guarantee that 1 day a year was completely (mostly) about me and that I had more control over how the day went, how I wanted to spend it. And while I have some input over how I want to spend my birthday, as a mom, I certainly don’t have control over how the day goes!!!  Just wanted to let you know that I miss how you used to be, I guess. But do please keep coming every year for lots of years to come!!!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

Birthdays are just DIFFERENT when you are a parent. Yes I know. I am supposed to see the joy in my sons’ eyes lighting up seeing my birthday cake and feel that joy seep into my body. Then I am supposed to tingle all over with happiness and say wow, it’s great to be a mom I am so lucky. But I’m sorry, without fail just about every birthday that tingly feeling is less now that I am a mom.  I mean yes, I get that feeling in very small doses throughout the day, like when my boys sing Happy Birthday or give me big hugs when prompted or give me handmade cards daddy helped them to make. Those moments are great. That’s not the problem.

It’s my expectations that are the problem! My mom set the bar too high! I want a perfect birthday – the one day a year where I can just relax and feel okay doing that. Where I can indulge in me and that is okay. And it is just really gosh darn hard to do that as a mom because there is always someone needing something.  I still dream of the 1 perfect day a year – where the kids will sleep in, behave beautifully, play together flawlessly and shower me with love all day.  And I dream that day will happen on my birthday as the perfect gift to me.  In that dream of course the boys are dressed in perfectly clean outfits and they run and jump into bed to wake me up at noon and we all share a big bear hug and Daddy takes a picture and SNAP! My perfect birthday memory is caught. Just like Hallmark birthday cards tell me it should be. The only snapping going on my birthday today is SNAP! Wake up from your dream!

Today, as a birthday present, #2 got the stomach bug and my husband was traveling. So instead of waking to a husband telling me happy birthday and reminding the kids to tell me it was my birthday, I woke up at 430 with two sick kids in my bed. None of my four boys realized it was my birthday until we went downstairs to find the cupcake with a candle in it daddy left out (smart move hubby!) or the birthday cards from friends I had left out (good job friends!) I tried to see if the boys wanted to sing Happy Birthday to me (they too love birthdays!) but of course #1 started throwing up again, #2 was curled up in a ball, #3 was crying for milk and #4 was whining for his bottle or because his 1^st tooth is coming in. Who knew.

All I knew is that I felt very lonely at that very moment. I just wanted to start my day feeling special and loved. And while I know my kids feel that, at their tender ages of 5 and under, it’s hard for them to know that Birthdays are a great day to show it.

So I cleaned up the vomit, wiped off my tears, blew out my candle, and went on with my day as a mommy, not the Birthday Girl.

Luckily there are good friends and facebook! Girlfriends to the rescue – flowers and birthday cake arrived, cards arrived, phone calls poured in, and facebook messages posted. Not feeling so lonely anymore. Everyone was wishing me what I was wishing for too…some moments to myself, to be spoiled by my boys. At least I knew I wasn’t totally off and alone in my expectations 🙂  Phew. Birthday meltdown averted. Momentarily.

Since realizing it was my birthday, the boys wanted cake and juice boxes, you know like all birthday parties. I didn’t want them to have cake and throw it up but they were insistent. ALL DAY. Starting at 7:25 am. It wasn’t stopping. Finally I decided they could sing happy birthday to me, help me blow out the candles, and have a juice box and a small small small piece of cake. Well it turns out my small wasn’t big enough. Shocker.

“I want more!”

“I’m a big boy, I want a big piece of cake”

“I feel a thousand times better”

It was out of control. It was a no win situation. If I didn’t give them cake, tears. If I game them too much, vomit. Neither of these things were on my birthday wish list….

The tears started again. This time, they were mine. All I wanted was a peaceful, loving rendition of Happy Birthday. I wanted my Hallmark Birthday moment where for a moment, just a moment, life IS perfect.  Well, that, and I too wanted to share the cake with my boys because while I say it is all about me, they are part of me now. And I wanted to share my happiness with them. I hated that I couldn’t.

The tantruming was growing louder and stronger. I was going to snap. I think the tears had a hold of me and instead of snapping I said calmly (or sadly?)

“I don’t want to yell. Please don’t make me yell. It’s my Birthday. I don’t want to yell.”

And guess what? I didn’t yell. Just saying those words “I don’t want to yell” out loud kept me in line.

We, my boys and I, got through the great stomach bug-birthday cake debacle of 2012 without anymore tears. And while my birthday isn’t the same anymore, and is generally guaranteed to be louder and more demanding than years past, and it is never all about me anymore, I guess that’s okay. It’s okay because my love for birthdays has simply been passed on to 4 other days of year besides February 21^st. it’s been passed on to the days my sons were born.  Now I put the same energy my mom put into my birthday, into theirs, so that they know just how much special they are and certainly how loved.

It’s my birthday and I might still cry if I want to…but at least it’s not because I yelled 😉

P.S. To all of my 52 followers, thanks for supporting me and my new Challenge. Secret birthday wish (besides the peace and quiet) was to get 50 FB likes. A wish come true. Thank you!

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino

13 days down, 352 to go!

Dear Productivity,

You and I had big plans today. Huge. Gigantic. Enormous. I had phone calls to make, closets to organize, piles to put away and to boot, a babysitter so I could do said things. You know the three things that have been on my list for weeks that are starting to eat away at me?  And what happened? I spent all day cleaning up vomit from #1 and cleaning diapers full of poop from #3. You might call that productive. And I guess it was. Just not the kind of productivity I envisioned. Sometimes I get in such a twit when we don’t hang out in the way I hope, when I instead hang out with your other half, unproductive. It stresses me out and that’s when I yell. Because I am not getting done what I want…Any tips on how to be more productive, or better yet, more chill? I think if I knew the answer I’d be a more enjoyable person to be around!

Thanks,

The Orange Rhino

*

You see, my challenge in being a Stay at Home Mom is that in my 5.5 years as a SAHM, my to-do list still doesn’t line up with that of a SAHM. I want to get organized, put together photo albums, do other personal projects, and decorate the barren walls of my office, aka my home, so it doesn’t feel like an institution. I don’t have clean up vomit, wash sheets, or buy new pillows because of said vomit on my to-do-list. And I certainly don’t have call doctor to discuss the color of #3’s poop because it seems awfully pale in color. Or on an ordinary day, I don’t have play with kids, have fun, cook them a balanced meal, love them etc…. on my to-do list, which really, all should be on my list for after all, that’s why I decided to stay at home.

And yet, here I am, 5.5 years later still mostly focused on my personal list, not my SAHM list and guess what…my list never gets the attention I wish it did. And that is probably how it should be, to a certain extent. I’ll save that soul-searching and SAHM struggle for another post! But every once in a while, like on days like today where I don’t even get to go pee or do one thing for myself, it gets to me. Who am I kidding, at least once a day it gets to me.

Being a parent is 24-7. It’s a lot of work. And on days like today, where it is ALL about the kids, non-stop, and there is no way to take a breather, it’s extra work. I’m not complaining. I do love my kids, especially when they are sick because they are so extra needing of my love and they don’t fight with me or yell at me, they just need me. Just like when they were little babies. And I love how they curl up in my lap and let me play with their hair…even if they smell like vomit and my hands are so dry from all the washing and hand sanitizer that twirling their hair actually feels uncomfortable.

But sometimes, like roundabout 3:49 today, I just want to fall in a heap on the floor and cry. Cry because I have so much to do (as an individual, a friend, a wife and as a SAHM) and I am pulled in so many different directions that I just want to scream “ENOUGH!!!  I need a break! I just need 5 minutes uninterrupted to breathe.” Well I felt that way all day today. It was NON-STOP. Of course the last time I was in this place, I screamed. I didn’t today thanks to that epiphany so that’s progress but still…

I am Wiped. Which is clearly a theme today.  I spent all day wiping asses off and wiping up vomit. And while I resolved yesterday to take care of myself and get the sleep I need, there is a problem with that. When my to-do list grows, and the clutter on my desk grows, I am left feeling claustrophobic and overwhelmed. And then eventually left feeling like today….like I just want to scream. And more often than not, that is when I lose it with the kids, for no real good reason. It’s not that I want to scream at them, I just want to scream. To let it all out.  Unfortunately, in the past, they have been the target, been caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The Orange Rhino Community shared some great ideas on what to do in said situations…

1. Call your own voicemail and scream/b*itch (this has double points because when I replay it I can very quickly realize how irrational I am being!)
2. Go to the Garage and scream…or anywhere else where the kids won’t feel targeted
3. Let The Orange Rhino Community know instead (I like this one too!)
4. Get to the computer FAST and type…it’s a release! 

Here’s one that I actually did because the advice from my other fellow Orange Rhinos wasn’t in yet…

• Do what that silly commercial on SPROUT says to do…when you are about to lose it, turn it into something silly.

#2 was the witness of said silliness.

Dear, sweet #2, my 3.5 year old, had a bee in his bonnet today. Or whatever heck the saying is. He is so overtired from dropping his nap, waking up at 530 regularly but 430, yes 430 today, that he was bouncing off the walls. Holy bejebers. Spelling?

So here I am making #1’s bed. I have just paid the carpet cleaner to miraculously remove the neon Kraft macaroni and cheese stain from the oh, 6 month old brand new carpet. You know, the one where I thought I would save money and buy the one without the 3 year any stain warrantee because my kids NEVER throw up? Yeah, that carpet.

I hear #2 LITERALLY running into his walls and bouncing off, laughing. He was wasted tired. Ever seen a 3.5 year old on speed? No, I haven’t either. But I think I witnessed it today. Holy Sh*T!

I went into his room.

Me:        #2, what are you doing?

#2:          Just making a mess.

Me:        Clearly, you’ve destroyed your room. (He had pulled all his sheets off, dumped every lego bin, and put all his books on the floor. Awesome times.). Well, time to clean up.

#2:          I don’t know how.

Me:        Clearly you do, you just made the mess, just do the opposite.

#2:          Oh, no, I didn’t make it a mess. I was just having Fun.

Isn’t that the case not half the time, but most of the time I yell at the kids? They are just having fun. Just being kids. Yes, making a mess of his room. So not cool especially when I had been cleaning up ALL DAY LONG. But in his eyes, as he is still learning, he was just having fun. Totally harmless. So as I went to yell at him for “having fun” … voice was in Level 3 but fastly approaching 6…I looked at him, saw that damn twinkle in his eye and went “ooga-schmoooga-booga” three times and let it go.

Totally sounded like a moron, and I think #2 shared that sentiment, but it stopped me from yelling at him for being a kid something I’ve done way to much in my Pre-Orange Rhino days.

So today, I give thanks to Sprout (and the twinkle in #2’s eye) for helping me let my kid, be a kid. But I also have The Orange Rhino Community to thank. We are small in numbers now, but the support is huge. Gigantic. Enormous. And while I might not have been productive in the way I dreamed of today, you are all productive in the way I dreamed of. Thank you.

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino 

10 days down, 355 to go!

Dear Day 10,

Who-wah! I came, I saw, I kicked you’re a*s and it feels good! So unbelievably good. Not just because I am now in the double digits world of this Challenge but also because #1 and #2 worked phenomenally hard today to make me fail and I prevailed. I look forward to seeing you next time but preferably a little fatter, you know, with another 0 at the end.

See ya!

The Orange Rhino

*

(Warning:  Potentially cheesy  blog ahead. Or Inspiring. Your call.)

I did it! I made it 10 days without yelling! It feels so incredible to be in the double digits world of this challenge and to have surpassed my last record. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I actually have a chance of making it to triple digits. I know that is getting ahead of myself but I have to believe that I can do this. That is the secret. Believing in yourself. In myself.  Some of my friends have said that they could never be an “Orange Rhino” that they could never not yell. In those 9 days after I first failed, I just kept saying I can’t do this. And guess what, I sure as heck couldn’t.

But this go round, once I got day one, and then day two, and then day three under my belt, I knew I could do it because I kept  saying I could. Every day got easier and easier. Every day the insatiable desire to NOT YELL and to find my firm, patient voice grew stronger. Every day I found more peaceful and enjoyable than the last.

And as I look at the accomplishment of a mere 10 DAYS without yelling I can say with certainty the following:

1. My kids are happier and more affectionate
2. I am happier and more affectionate
3. We are having more fun together
4. They are listening to me more and better
5. I am listening to them more and better
6. I am laughing more, enjoying them more

And that is just after 10 days. Imagine what 100 might feel like???

I know. You don’t believe me. But it’s true. And I am fairly certain it is the lack of yelling. I mean we all know that yelling creates tense environments. But I didn’t think that not yelling would not only take away the negativity but also adds all the positives galore I listed above. I have no scientific proof that the not yelling is causing the changes in our house but I can say this. With everything that has happened in the last 10 days, this house should be absolutely bursting at the seams with stress. In the old world Pre-Challenge, I would be screaming everyday from the stress, at least once.  I am getting much much less sleep than before. The kids are sleeping like crap. Everyone has been sick and to boot #3 has been to two new doctors and they still have no clue what is wrong with him oh and #1, despite being more affectionate has equally been more difficult. BUT. But but but…….overall I have to report that this house feels different.

Can you feel the love tonight? (thanks Elton John, don’t know why that just popped into my head!)

I can. And it feels friggin’ great.

My husband just asked me how my day was. And for the FIRST time in AGES I actually answered “Awesome.”

Not good. Not bad. Awesome.

And it was. Why? Did the kids behave perfectly today? Hell no. In fact #1 and #2 were holy terrors. But I didn’t lose it so we got back on track much faster. The little outbursts stayed as little outbursts and we moved on. If I had yelled, the little outburst would have gone on and on and on.

It was simply awesome for so many reasons. Too many for me to write eloquently so bullet points it is!

1)      I didn’t yell and made it to double digits (can I get a double fist pump for support?!). I really am proud of myself because today was HARD. #1 woke up with an antagonistic attitude the size of Canada. Is that even big enough? #2 woke up with a burr in his a*s and was trying his darndest to piss everyone off. #3 woke up sick which means whining all day. And well #4 woke up happy –  1 out of 4 ain’t bad! But I only got 4 hours of sleep last night because my dear husband was coughing AL L. Night. Long. He is lucky he wasn’t  booted to the couch. All the cards were against me today. But I did it. Sorry to be so cocky, but I am so proud. This is huge for me. They say you have to do a new habit for 30 days to make a change. I’m 1/3 of the way there!

2)      When I wanted to throw the towel in at 8:51 when #2 had just purposely  tripped #1 (yes it was intentional, the sparkle in his eye said it all) I posted on FB that “Day 10 was looking to be a pipe dream” and I got support to keep going. And it helped. You ladies are awesome.

3)      When I was about to lose it with #1 for not wanting to zip his jacket (really? Really Orange Rhino that would have been a WASTE of 10 days!) he looked at me and said “ORANGE RHINO, mommy, ORANGE RHINO” and it worked. He was so right. I stopped. We laughed and then had a great family walk playing the Orange Rhino game (I pretend to yell, they yell Orange Rhino back. They love it!) Pre-Challenge, I would have kept fighting with him over the stupid zipper. This way was much better!

4)      When I was about to lose it with #1 again (sense the theme today?!) for biting his brother and throwing a drum stick at my head oh and then throwing a box of legos, I didn’t! I calmly walked him to his room and told him he needed to settle down.

5)      When #2 took a toy from #3 without asking and they both started fighting over it all while #1 was banging on his bedroom door and the baby was screaming for dinner, I didn’t Scream “everyone be quiet!” Yes, this is what I normally would have done. It was just so overwhelming  – all the noise and chaos.

6)      The most important perhaps. I actually REALLY enjoyed hanging with my kids today. I generally have such a hard time being a Stay at Home mom and “playing.” I can be so uptight and struggle to let go and have fun. (I bet all of you out there who know me are laughing your arses off at that line!) But, I actually smiled today…numerous times! Like when I was pretending to rock my 5 year old like a baby and burp him and #2 said, “Well now he has to poop on you because that is what babies do.”

Not yelling simply has me more relaxed. I am handling the hard moments better and they are ending shorter. And I am enjoying the good moments more and they are lasting longer.

This Challenge seems to be doing me some good.

I mean really, given the outcome thus far, what’s not to love?

Day 1, Take 6 (sigh)

Dear #1, #2, #3, and #4 (husband too I guess!)

I know that sometimes, well okay much more than I and you, would like, that I yell too much and too loudly. I always feel so guilty afterwards and ashamed…because I love you so. So I’ve decided to change. I’m going to work really, really, really hard to stop yelling altogether but I’m going to need your help. Ok? Can you do that? Can you help me?

xoxo,

Mommy Orange Rhino

*

As I am starting to yell at my cantankerous 2 year old I stop myself. Why am I yelling? Because I am tired. Because his whining is obnoxious. Because I am frustrated my husband is working and it’s a Sunday a day I look forward to help from him. Because my 5 year old wouldn’t leave me along for 10  minutes to do something I wanted. (So selfish of me, I know). I’m yelling because as wonderful as they are, my lovely children can be really tiring. But they can also be really wonderful. And honest.

“So #1, how am I doing with not yelling?”

“Terrible. Absolutely terrible. You just yelled at me the other day. And the other minute.”

Yeah, that’s pretty much an accurate summary.  I have no idea what has transpired since last week. Last week I went a whole 8 days. And I felt so good. So so good. To all you non-yellers out there, I know you are laughing thinking to yourself, 8 days is nothing. That is so easy. But to me, it was difficult. At first. That first day was EXHAUSTING. I remember coming up to bed after the day was over and saying to my husband:

“WOW I feel great from not yelling but damn, I am tired.”

It took every bone in my body to keep it together. To find my inner pre-school teacher voice that speaks quietly and lovely and still gets respect and response. But somehow I did it. ALL WEEK LONG I did it. Every day I went without yelling I felt more invigorated and it got easier. And it felt so utterly amazing. I felt an energy I haven’t felt in years. I was bouncing of the walls with adrenaline and excitement.

I felt so powerful and in control which as a mom, is something you often DON’T feel. Ironically, I felt WAY more powerful and in control than when I yell….

And yet, as my 5 year old pointed out just now, I am sucking at the whole not yelling thing. So we created a game to help mommy out.Anytime the boys sense that I am getting cranky and am about to lose it, they need to say ORANGE RHINO. It’s our little secret code. I love that they will help hold me accountable, because really they should. It’s not fair that I expect them to use indoor voices and talk to each other with respect and love when I don’t hold myself to the same standard.

As I write this I hear my husband ROARING at the three older boys…Now tears from one. Oh and now a  little voice “ORANGE RHINO daddy” ORANGE RHINO. So innocently my husband asks, what does that mean?  My 3 year old answers “It means you can’t yell at us. It’s not nice.” WOW. They actually listened to me. And better yet, they get it. Very cool.

So now we have our own secret game. I really hope it helps keep me in line. Really really hope it helps.

Mostly because I’m ready to give up. I’m totally overwhelmed by all the things in my life that I have pushed aside this week because I’ve wanted to write instead. The laundry. The piles of mess that scream  to be picked up. The doctors’ appointments I need to make. The closet organization that needs to happen. The list goes on and on. Everywhere I turn in the house there is something I need to do but just don’t want to. And what’s it been worth not doing it? Nothing. I still have yelled every day and haven’t been able to get back on the “good” streak. I keep telling myself that the sacrifices I am making today, this week, are nothing compared to the benefits that that will come from not yelling.

Uh oh, I’m getting all cranky and worked up.

Orange Rhino mommy, Orange Rhino!

Day 1, Take 2

Dear Mom,

Why did you have to go on vacation RIGHT NOW when I really need you to tell me that I can do it? Why did you have to go somewhere where I can’t even email you? Why did you HAVE to do something for yourself for a change? Oh right, because taking care of you is so crucial to being a good mom. I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true. When I do things for me – things that make me happy, make me feel good about myself, then I glow, inside out. And it’s contagious. But right now, on more days than not, the only thing I’m spreading is the Crotchety-Tired-Mommy virus. And when I am inflicted with that virus, I have the tendency to yell more than I wish….So could you please cut your vacation short and give me a strong dose of you can do it?

xoxo,

The Orange Rhino

*

I haven’t done anything for myself in probably 15 months, realistically a lot more than that. I’m tired and unraveling. I’m tired of trying to seem pulled together – trying to prove to people that I wasn’t crazy for having 4 kids in 5 years, that I love it and it’s the greatest thing ever. I’m tired of wanting to be a better mom, of feeling like I should be doing more art projects with the kids, playing more games with them, reading more books to them. I’m tired of people asking if I wish I had a girl. (I love my boys but of course I wish I had a girl too. And yes I’m jealous of that adorable dress you got to put your daughter in today because I had to pick out another boring striped shirt).

I’m tired of my husband working so much and being home mostly on weekends and worrying that with all the stress of his job and having four children that we won’t make it.I’m tired of feeling frustrated and sad as I struggle to help my 5 year old overcome some challenges and at the same time figure out why my 2 year old is always feeling cruddy. I’m tired of worrying about why my 3 year old can’t seem to get a clue how to interact socially.

And I’m tired because, well, duh, Parenting is EXHAUSTING especially when your 6 month old still doesn’t sleep through the night consistently.

And yet here I am.

Totally wacked out thinking that I have the energy and vigor to forge ahead and take on this ridiculous challenge and simultaneously launch a blog that I hope becomes a real community oh, and did I mention I just started Weight Watchers too? What am I thinking????

I’m thinking that this little project could change my life forever, for the better. That not yelling at my kids will have a trickledown effect in the household.

We need it. I need it. I need the house to be quieter- it’s not just my yelling that’s a problem, it’s the boys. They have started yelling at each other in the same mean tone I do. I mean really, is that really what I want my kids to take away from me? Of all I have to offer, I want them to learn to yell? Um, yeah, no. I want to raise respectful loving little guys. Pretty sure yelling at people in a demeaning tone that scares and shames is not the way to do that.

And I don’t mean to. I really honestly don’t. My parents didn’t yell. My husband doesn’t. But I do. There I said it.

I AM A YELLER. I YELL AT MY KIDS. I YELL AT MY HUSBAND (oh and I YELL at the people who don’t know how to drive as well as us Massholes!)

I yell much more than I would like. I know it hurts my boys’ feelings, makes them sad, and scared too sometimes 🙁 I feel sad and scared too sometimes and I definitely always feel dreadful when I yell. I never feel better, just embarrassed, disappointed and angry that I lost control and most likely made them cry, especially since it never solves anything.

Now to be fair, I give myself a B+. I probably yell less than others but certainly more than some. But sometimes, I just snap. I try so hard to keep pulled together that when wrong button is pushed and the stars are aligned in a certain way (yes, I’m blaming the stars), watch out, MASSIVE VOLCANIC ERUPTION. And it keeps it going.  Once it starts, it is SO HARD to stop it. SO HARD. And I hate that.

And I hate that #1 has the same struggle.

In a beautiful twist of fate, in my helping #1 reign in his volcanic eruptions (we call them that because he loves volcanoes), he’s helping me. We read a child’s book together that taught him to say “1,2,3, I’m taking care of me” or to give himself a squeeze when he’s feeling overwhelmed or angry.

So lately, BEFORE the Orange Rhino Challenge even started, when I would start erupting #1 would immediately run over, squeeze me and say 1,2,3 I’m taking care of me. And you know what? Just like that – my sweet 5 year snapped me BACK into place. Kids are amazing that way – when we let them. My son taught me, that I CAN CONTROL MYSELF. I CAN CHOOSE to NOT YELL. (He also every so not- nonchalantly pointed out to me that my behavior was teaching him his…hmmm)

As I sit here feeling overwhelmed, down and tired and wishing that the excitement and adrenaline I once felt for this project would return in full force, I think to myself…I CAN DO THIS. Maybe I just need to get in bed at 9pm with no to-do lists running through my head and then sleep until whenever the heck I want to wake up, not when the alarm or the kids want me up. Nah, that’s not gonna happen.

What I really need? I need the non-existent Orange Rhino community that I hope is going to emerge. A community where my honesty is accepted and not judged and as such I gain the much needed support, strength and energy needed to survive this challenge…and all the other challenges of parenthood.  I need the support to get through days like today. I need to know that I am not alone in this thing called Parenthood.

And mom, when you read this, know that I miss you and love you. I never tell you that enough. Maybe as I stop yelling, I will start loving more…wouldn’t that be a great payoff? And please don’t call and get all mushy on me. Then I’ll just have to yell at you to stop!