218 days of not yelling, 147 days of loving more to go!

Dear Deep Breath,

I am anxiously waiting for you to find me. I am ready to exhale. I am ready to let go and accept that it will be OKAY. I am ready to move on from being in a state of shock. So please, come find me.

xoxo,
The Orange Rhino

*

I haven’t taken a breath since two Thursdays ago at 3:00, 3:06 to be precise. That is the moment when I came into the house and it was eerily silent. I called to the babysitter with a nervous voice. I knew better than to think everything was alright. My house should NEVER be this quiet this time of day.

“Julia? Julia? Where are you? What’s wrong?”

“Something isn’t right. I just got #4 from his nap and something is wrong. He is hot and doesn’t look right.”

I ran to the stairs and grabbed him. I knew immediately something was wrong and the tears came as I rushed him to the changing table to take his temperature.

“Get me the phone. Pack the diaper bag!” I yelled as I took his temperature.

It was only 103 but he didn’t look right AT ALL.

“Hello? Hello?” I said to the pediatrician’s nurse. I don’t think she understood me. I was trying so hard to stay calm and talk clearly but I couldn’t. I just COULDN’T.

“My baby,” I cried. “My baby. Something is wrong. Something is wrong. His arms are limp. He’s shaking all over, his lips are tinted blue, he looks grey and his eyes are doing funky things. He looks like he is going to pass out.”

“Okay, do you think he is having a seizure?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t know. Something isn’t right. He gets 103 temps often but never responds like this.”

“Okay, hang up the phone and call 911.”

And I did. And it was hands down one of the scariest moments I have ever experienced. I have NEVER had to call 911 before and it was one of my worst nightmares coming true – the fear of having to rush one of my babies to the hospital. I threw things in a bag and went outside to the curb and waited for the ambulance as instructed by 911.

I held #4 in my arms as tight as ever and just kept saying “Mommy’s here. I love you. Don’t go to sleep. Don’t go to sleep. Stay awake baby. Stay awake.”

Sirens were heard much to all of our delight – mine for obvious reasons and my older sons because, well, how cool to see a police car and an ambulance pull up in front of their house. I jumped into the ambulance and they immediately started giving my baby oxygen.

“Should we wait for the paramedics?” one EMT asked the other.

“No just go. GO GO GO!”

I tried to find my boys to tell them I’d be back, that it will all be fine but I didn’t have a chance. The ambulance took off as fast as it came and we got to the ER just as fast. The EMT opened the door for me to get out with #4 but I couldn’t. I stood up and my legs shook from all the nerves. He held my hand and helped me down and I leaned on him all the way into the ER.

WOW. I was in the ER with my baby and brought by and ambulance because we suspected a seizure. Just minutes before I had been thinking about my son’s first day of Kindergarten and how all I wanted to do that afternoon was seize the moment and enjoy my boy’s company and here I was investigating another kind of seizing.

Somehow I made it into the ER room without passing out – and without #4 passing out. As the oxygen kicked in #4 start to become more alert, his eyes stopped wigging out and his head stopped bobbing backwards. Three of us, two nurses and I, worked together to hold his arm still to insert an IV to get blood and give him fluids and then to attach the heart monitor. It was a struggle. A struggle. He didn’t want to be touched, he just wanted to snuggle. He just wanted to curl up and sleep on me.

In all the ugliness of the afternoon, in all my lingering fears, I found such peace in holding my son at that moment.

I found such peace in his soft hands in mine. His head on my chest. His knees curled up pressing against my stomach. His breath on my neck. His eyes, now able to focus, looking at me as if to say,

“Mommy, make it better. Make take care of me. Mommy I need you.” Oh dear son, and how I NEED you.

The last exam complete, my sweet son still moaning with pain, and the Dr. turned to us and said,

“We think he might have had a febrile seizure. The blood work will let us know. I will be back in a few hours with the results. It’s going to be okay. Take a deep breath and just rest.”

Take a deep breath and just rest. RIGHT. As If I could. I couldn’t exhale for the life of me. I waited and waited to calm down but my heart was still racing, my palms still sweating¸ and tears were still occasionally dripping down my face. But #4 understood the Dr’s orders. He passed right out on me, cuddled in a receiving blanket identical to those from the maternity ward. And I had a wave of emotion pass over me identical to the day he was born and he fell asleep in my arms for the first time…

Pure, unadulterated love. And gratitude.

13 months and a bit later…still full of love and gratitude for having this healthy baby boy in my life.

Wondering what this post has to do with yelling? Read HERE

211 days of not yelling, 154 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhino,

Um, I am failing to see the connection between not yelling and your post yesterday (read here) about your first three days of Kindergarten? You talk about feeling left behind and not wanting to let go but how the heck does that tie to the Challenge? Just curious.

Sincerely,
Yourself

*

Every once and a while I have a deep profound thought about how The Orange Rhino Challenge has positively impacted my life in a way I never expected. Tonight’s post about my son’s first day of Kindergarten attempts to express one of those thoughts.

As I watched my son walk away with someone else holding his hand, as I watched him leave me behind at the car to start a new part of his life, a new part where I couldn’t easily be a part of it like I could in pre-school, so many intense and conflicting emotions hit me at once that I truly hurt all over. I didn’t know what to feel, what to think, what to do but, well cry.

I was so overwhelmed with love and pride, oh how I love you sweet boy!

But also so overwhelmed with sadness, oh don’t leave me!

And so overwhelmed with disappointment, oh I didn’t cherish these young years enough!

The love and the sadness faded so quickly as the disappointment rolled in and took over my mind. Disappointment that my summer days filled with freedom to have strawberry daiquiris at our “beach” in the sandbox were over. Disappointment that my time with my son was going to start changing soon, that he was going to want to play with friends more and me less. That he was going to be with teachers more and me less. But the biggest disappointment, the one that hit me like a Mac truck? The disappointment in myself.

The disappointment that I had all summer and the 6 years prior to totally enjoy my son’s presence, to not have to really share him, and yet, I didn’t take advantage of that precious time, at least not to the extent I ever dreamed of or hoped for when I envisioned myself as a mom. Nope, much too much instead of appreciating him and appreciating OUR time together, I so often complained about him, about our time together.

Complaining that he doesn’t sleep well. Complaining that he is a picky eater. Complaining that his tantrums are unbearable. Complaining about this behavior or that behavior.

Complaining and yelling instead of loving.

Yes, in these last 6 years I have loved my son and I have enjoyed his presence but I am going to be honest. I could have enjoyed it more. I try not to regret decisions in my life, but right now there is a huge pang in my heart that I “slightly” regret not taking advantage of these last 6 years more. These early years were free of classes, teachers, homework, team practices and full of desire to be with me. Me. Me. Me. The days were full of opportunity to bond and now the days will be less full of opportunity to be with Me. Me. Me.

So yes, right now I wish that I had done my “to-do list” less, cleaned the house less, said go entertain yourself less, YELLED LESS and instead PLAYED MORE, LAUGHED MORE, SHARED MORE and LOVED my son more.

I know it is hard to enjoy every moment as a mom. Oh how I know!  I have 4 beautiful reminders that take turns showing me how hard motherhood is and inspire me to not want to play with them at numerous moments throughout the day due to their lovely antics. And oh how those antics make it hard to stay in the present and not dwell on the crap that comes with motherhood.

But today, today, oh how I wished I tried harder to complain less and enjoy more. Because then today as I dropped my son off at Kindergarten I wouldn’t be thinking “darnit, there he goes. These precious young, fleeting years are really starting to go behind me and I didn’t enjoy them enough because I was too busy complaining.”

Enter The Orange Rhino Challenge.

I am so grateful for it.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is forcing me to be more positive about my children because getting caught up in the crap well, makes me feel crappy and makes me yell. And when I am positive about them, get this, I feel more love and enjoy my time with them more.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is forcing me to be more present with my children because when I don’t, when I get caught up in my daily crap instead of caught up with them, I get snippy with them for “interrupting” me and get close to yelling. And when I am more present with them, get this, I have more fun with them and enjoy my time with them more.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is forcing me to be more patient and understanding with my children during massive meltdowns because when I am not, well, then I have to employ just about every of my 100 alternatives to yelling! And when I am more patient with them, get this, not only do I appreciate their struggles more but I also cherish the moment, and them, more.

Not yelling is helping ME take advantage of my time with my babies. It is helping me to enjoy their presence more. It is helping me to feel less regrets about the time I spend with them. Looking back, I might feel I have missed a lot of the last 6 years but at least this Challenge has helped me appreciate the last 211 days more. And I’ll take that. It’s a start. And I really hope it continues.

When I started this challenge in February I posted a question to people about how to be more present stating that I want to be more present with my kids, that I want to enjoy time my time with my kids more. People suggested several books. I haven’t read them yet, I haven’t had time.

Turns out I didn’t need them. I figured out one solution on my own. Not yelling.

211 days without yelling, 154 days of loving more to go!

Dear the only orange box in the classroom,

I can’t believe of all the places to be in my son’s Kindergarten classroom you are directly above his name on his cubby. He knows orange is my new favorite color and every time he sees orange he thinks of me. So thank you for being there, in my place, today and everyday the rest of the year.I know you are just a box but to my son, when he is missing me, you will be a great reminder to him that I love him and will be picking him up soon.

xoxo,
Mommy Orange Rhino

*

I have started kindergarten three times now. And each time has had the same result: tears from being left behind.

My first day was September 1981. I was 3. My older brother was 5. It was his first day really, but it was my first day without my best friend home with me. I distinctly remember leaving him and bursting into tears as I walked back up the driveway with just my mom. By the time she entered the house I was a full on mess. My face was hot and sticky, my dress was covered in slobber and I had already thrown myself in a heap on the ground at least twice. My mom had tried to soothe me but there are only so many words that can make one feel better when their best friend leaves them behind. So she went inside and lovingly told me she was there when I was ready to come in. Alone. Finally, I gave in. I opened the metal screen door with my trembling arms and took one step then another step in. But I was too weak and too upset to open the door wide enough to guarantee that the spring on the door wouldn’t slam shut on me as I stepped inside.

OUCH!!!! More tears commenced as the metal door nailed the back of my foot, ripping off all the skin. Blood oozed out faster than my tears.

I was a mess. Inside and out.

My second first day of Kindergarten was September 1983. I was 5 and a half. This was my OFFICIAL first day of Kindergarten. I don’t remember much except for walking in with my mom and standing at the big door to the classroom and refusing to go in. I hid behind my mother as the big booming and intimidating voice of my teacher told me rather briskly and without any intonation of love “Orange Rhino, it is time to let go of your mother’s hand and be a big girl now.”

OUCH!!! More tears commenced as she took my hand and led me away leaving my mom at the door.

I was a mess. Inside and out.

And then I heard the sweetest voice ever. It was that of a 1^st grader named Kathryn. She was sitting at circle time with a big purple pillow that was as cozy looking as she clearly felt.

“Orange Rhino, why don’t you come sit next to me? I’ll share my pillow with you.”

To this DAY I can still tell you exactly what that pillow looked like and exactly how Kathryn looked and sounded. Isn’t it amazing how one kind gesture can stay with you a lifetime?

And my third first day of Kindergarten was, well today. September 6, 2012. I am 34 and a half. My son is almost 6. It is his first official day of Kindergarten, my first official day as a mom of a Kindergartener. He’s been dreading this day since the last day of pre-school. I’ve been dreading it since the day he was born I think. Because I know what first days of Kindergarten contain: tears and being left behind.

And that is what I dreaded today.

Being left behind.

By one of my best companions, my oldest son.

For all the complaining I do about how long the days are, how hard they are, how hard he can be, he is the greatest little companion a mom could ask for. He asks great questions, makes heartfelt proclamations, laughs in a way that eases all pain, and shares so many of my interests. And oh how I didn’t want him to start the journey of “real school” where he spends more time in school than he does with me. Oh how I didn’t want to accept that it was the beginning of letting go. The beginning of him being more confident in himself, the beginning of him loving me still, but needing me a little less. It is a great beginning for him, I know, but still a hard one to grasp.

So no, I didn’t want him to go to Kindergarten today. I wanted to hold on to this summer forever. I wanted to keep him young and home forever. And yet I knew I couldn’t. I knew I had to let go, I had to let him grow without me. And so I drove him to Kindergarten against my will. I put on a brave face so he didn’t sense that I was sad that we were being separated. I put on a smile so he was excited and not nervous. I assured him I would see him soon so he knew that I will ALWAYS LOVE HIM and will ALWAYS be there for him even as he grows and becomes more independent.

We pulled up to the front door and the teacher opened the door. He got out more gracefully than I ever expected, waved good bye, said “I love you mommy” and then BAM. The door slammed shut as harshly as it did thirty-one years ago.

OUCH!!! The tears finally commenced.  OH did they commence. I bawled like I did on my first day of Kindergarten in 1981. And in 1983.

I was a mess inside and out.

I bawled because I was left behind, again.
I bawled because I was so proud of him for finding the courage to do something he was afraid of.
I bawled because he showed confidence that he didn’t have a year ago.
I bawled because it was beyond clear that my first baby was growing up.
I bawled because I had to let go.

I bawled because I love him so.

Wondering what this has to do with Yelling? Lots. Have a read tomorrow night! 

199 days without yelling, 166 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I said it before and I’ll say it again. I am NOT an expert on how not to yell. I am not a therapist. I don’t have a background in childhood behavior. And I don’t read books and books on end telling me how not to yell. Nope, I have no credentials whatsoever on this topic. No extra letters next to my name, well except for M.O.M.M.Y. Mom On (a) Mission to Master (not) Yelling! On the eve of the 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day I thought I would share with you the top 50 things embarrassing, emotional, and well, outright obvious things I have done lately to “master” not yelling. Have a laugh with me, or at me, and maybe even be inspired to try not to yell too! Enjoy!  

Fun Alternatives (Added bonus: you all end up laughing and new, better behavior is obtained!):
1)   Play hide ‘n seek. You hide. They seek (a fun game can snap anyone out of it)
2)   Put funny glasses on and “look” through their eyes  (they laugh, you find empathy )
3)   Give a High Five (The “slap” and touch of their hands slaps you out of desire to yell)
4)   Try to do a somersault (makes you laugh and maybe even pee your pants. Nope. I have never had that problem after delivering 4 kids.)
5)   Speak in a Robot voice (makes kids stop and look at you and wonder, who is she?!)
6)   Start Playing with the kids or do what they are doing (makes you CHILL OUT and realize they are JUST kids and maybe they are on to something?)

If you can’t beat them…join them! So they took the watermelon out without asking. So they starting eating it like pigs. Guess what? Watermelon was just what a needed that hot afternoon!

7)   Grab children and hug them (it just feels good all over for everyone!)
8)   Start doing “crab walks” (entertaining and exercise releases good chemicals or something like that!)
9)   Start coloring (calming and fun and wicked huge bonus: inspires kids to join you instead of punching each other
10)  Bang a pot or pan (releases anger and gets kids involved in new activity)
11)  Start running in place (adrenaline boost for you and kids who follow suit!)
12)  Run over and tickle child you want to yell at (laughter does the body good)
13)  Drop to the floor and pretend you are hurt (rest does wonders and makes kids come “attack you” I mean check you out with doctor’s kit.)
14)  Go read 50 Shades of Grey (did I just write that?! Next subject. Blush. Blush.)
15)  Whistle. Loudly. (helps you focus on breathing)
16)  Hum. Even louder than whistle (really annoys kids and gets them to change from yelling to telling you to stop!)

Yummy Alternatives:
17) Keep orange snacks in purse (chewing something is way better than yelling)

Purse basics: Wallet, Phone, Wipes, Notebook for coloring AND orange snacks to chew so I don’t yell!

Gum and Tic Tacs. Added bonus to gum? The sound of chewing blocks out kids yelling…

18)  Pop some orange M&M’s into mouth (chocolate is a great mood changer)!
19)  Eat frozen grapes and pretend kids are sleeping and the grapes are wine (okay, it’s a stretch but reaching into freezer snapped me out of my moods!)
20)  Eat a carrot or an apple (fabulous way to crunch out stress and orange carrots great reminder of commitment not to yell!)

“Only if it is Safe to do so” Alternatives (which in my house is hardly ever):
21)  Sit down and “watch” the circus to gain perspective and to laugh (wait is my house the only one like a circus?)
22)  Put ear buds in and zone out to music for a minute (gain perspective, relax)
23)  Close your eyes and put your head in hands in disbelief. Nope I have NEVER done this either. As if. (another chance to pull it together quietly and to laugh at yourself!)
24)  Open a window or two or three and breathe in fresh air (kids laugh, is she a dog?!)
25)  Close eyes and picture yourself on a beach, a really really really quiet beach where no one asks you to do something. Oh, and picture a daiquiri in hand and imagine waking up at 10. Or 11. Snap out of it Orange Rhino! You need to keep writing. Darnit…I was really happy in my happy place…

“Stress Relief” Alternatives (in other words, pretend you are at a spa):
26)  Splash cold water on your face (snaps you right out of bad mood)
27)  Put a warm wash cloth on your neck (ah…relaxation)
28)  Light a candle, ideally an orange or pretty smelling one (gets kids attention…what are you doing? and relaxes your mood)

Notice my candle is by the sink filled with dishes? Yup my candle normally gets lit at meal time….

29)  Use aromatherapy lotion on hands instead of slamming a door in frustration (massage and smell are relaxing)
30)  Drink a glass of water. Resist the urge to throw it if annoying behavior is still going on! (cools you down and forces you to take a breath. Or two. )
31)  Think how things could be worse (gain perspective. yes he’s on the table, but at least he isn’t swinging from the chandelier. Yet.)
32)  Grab play-doh and squeeze really, really hard (don’t forget to share it when kids want it back!)
33)  Go through yelling motions but don’t let voice out (shocks kids and yourself that you didn’t do it, releases endorphins from pride!)

“You’ll think I am cheesy” Alternatives:
34)  Say out loud “Serenity Now.”
35)  Say out loud “They are just kids and I love them.”
36)  Say out loud “I want to love my kids more, not less.”
37)  Call a family council meeting and have everyone sit criss- cross applesauce, decide on a new activity together. (forces kids to stop and think and therefore BE quiet, like in school.)
38)  Look at TV and pretend there is a hidden camera. (fear of judgment will shove the yell right back down your throat…)
39)  Smile (rumor has it if you fake it, you’ll feel it?! it’s worked wonders over here.)
40)  Cry. Yup cry. Show your kids you are frustrated. (brings out empathy from kiddos)
41)  Say positive thoughts out loud (forces you to see good and therefore to be kind)
42)  Pull out family photo album (takes everyone to a happy, smiley place)
43)  Tell your kids how you feel (gets concern and teaches them to express feelings!)

“I don’t know how to categorize” Alternatives:
44)  Put a finger over mouth in shhh position (creates physical barrier to yelling)
45)  Ring a bell like pre-school teachers (casts a magical spell on kids)
46)  Look at this cheat sheet! (gives you ideas or makes you laugh?!)
47)  If help is around, tag out. (gives you a well-deserved break!)

Preventive Alternatives (surround yourself with reminders that you don’t want to yell):
48) Paint your nails orange (reminds you every morning to be warm and composed and yes, I am this committed to this Challenge that I did this. What can I say, it was a hard week!)

I need all the reminders I can get!!!

49)  Dress your kids in orange (a totally in your face reminder, great at big, busy, stressful public places)

50)  Post pictures you love of kids in problem areas (forces you to fall in love all over again)

Kids out of bed…again? Put a picture of them as a sweet baby on the door. It’s hard to yell when you see an innocent picture of them!

 
51)  Drink from an Orange Straw (simply reminds you of the color orange, feelings of warmth!)

52) Log on to www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino when you feel the “yell” bubble rising (releases tension by typing, so long as you don’t break keyboard, and helps you find support).

So there you have it. 50 new things I have done in addition to the other 50 I did in the first 100 days (read here). It hasn’t been easy. WHOA NO it hasn’t been. But it’s been worth all the hard work and patience and creativity because my kids are worth it. They deserve me to try my best to treat them with more love and less yelling!

I hope you got a good laugh and are inspired to join me tomorrow for just one day of not yelling. Join me in the 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge day on Wednesday August 29^th!

For more details on The Orange Rhino Challenge click here. For more details on what The Orange Rhino is click here. For how to participate in the Challenge tomorrow and help contribute to Habitat for Humanity…click here or read below!

***

How to Participate in The 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day on WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2012

1) Get 3-5 friends to take this ONE DAY challenge with you by sharing this blog post and making a pact to do it together. 

2) “Post” your name to show your participation and so people beyond your friends can support you! On the morning of August 29^th check in one of four ways:
– Post at The Orange Rhino Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino)
– Comment on Thursday mornings Blog Post at www.TheOrangeRhino.com
– Email me at theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com
– Tweet me at ORchallenge.

At the end of the day, Post AGAIN to say how the day went. For every participant I will donate $1.00 to Habitat for Humanity up to $200. Read here for explanation!

3) Increase your Support Network by Changing your FB Profile picture to The Orange Rhino Challenge

4) Find Support and Give Support all day by logging on to your method of communication. 

5) Read some of these posts to inspire you to succeed and to give you ideas on how to!

https://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/ (definition of yelling per this challenge)
https://theorangerhino.com/why-i-yelled-at-my-kids/ (big inspiration to try)
https://theorangerhino.com/50-alternatives-to-yelling-at-your-kids/ (ideas on how not to yell)
https://theorangerhino.com/orange-rhino-mommy/ (my favorite source of help not yelling) https://theorangerhino.com/you-never-know/ (inspirationto try)
https://theorangerhino.com/why-the-big-tears/ (way not to yell, inspiration)
***Check back in tomorrow night for a new 50 alternatives to yelling!
It’s that simple. Take a chance. You might just surprise yourself. I know I did!

“You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

GOOD LUCK!

197 days without yelling, 168 days of loving more to go!

Dear Friends and Family,

I have done some serious research these last 197 days and now share with you the official Orange Rhino tested and approved 15 Rules to follow to ensure that you too set yourself up to be in the kind of mood all day that makes you want to yell at anything and everything! Whether you do one of the following or all of them, if you are anything like me, you too can feel the desire to yell numerous times throughout the day!

* Do not try these at home if you want to make it through the day without yelling. If you find yourself doing one, tell yourself immediately that is why you are cranky and then find the strength to fix it. Pronto.

** Your triggers might be slightly different than mine. Your own research and acknowledgement of your triggers will allow you too to have your own set of official Orange Rhino “How to Yell” Rules!

Enjoy!
The Orange Rhino

*

Rule 1: Go to bed late so when the kids wake YOU up you are tired, cranky, and grumpy. This will guarantee that you are more annoyed at how slow the kids get dressed, more annoyed at the mess that are their bedrooms and MUCH more intolerant to the level of noise that well-rested kids bring.

Rule 2:  Don’t do any preparations for the next day the night before. Don’t set out breakfast plates and silverware, pack kids’ backpacks, write to-do list etc…. This way when you are running late (which you will be because of Step 1) you fall even more behind schedule and feel the need to yell at your kids to go faster, which by the way, won’t work, so you’ll want to yell even louder and longer.

Rule 3: Eat a really crappy breakfast (and lunch…and dinner) so that you a) feel guilty about what you ate b) feel physically gross from what you ate and c) feel pissed that you overate, again. This will definitely ensure massive crabbiness and mood swings.

Rule 4: Forget that your kids are JUST kids and that they are still LEARNING even if they seem more grown up than a few months ago. Go ahead and ask them to do all sorts of things they struggle with like making the bed, sitting still during a meal, cleaning up an entire playroom on their own, controlling their temper. When they are struggling, don’t even bother to stop and help them because you assume they need to learn and that they’ll get it someday. Instead bark orders at them to hurry up, to get it together. Their lack of response will infuriate you and certainly make your throat start to itch to scream.

Rule 5: Take Rule 4 even further. When you ask them in the first place to do something, make sure to do so when they are busy and playing. Added bonus if they are really into their activity and really really having a fun time. Don’t give them a heads up or warning that a transition is coming, just ask and expect. Oh, second added bonus. Make sure to ask them from across the room while you too are busy multi-tasking. This way they really won’t hear you and will really be un-inclined to cooperate.

Rule 6: Think to yourself how your kids misbehave, how they drive you nuts, how they always fight without stopping to think about how often they do behave, how often you are overwhelmed with love, how often they do play together. The more negative you think, the worse you’ll feel, the worse you’ll perceive their behavior, the worse off you’ll all be. Trust me.

Rule 7: Take Rule 5 even further and call your friend or your mom and talk out loud about your issues so that you really focus on the negative without trying to find the positive.

Rule 8: Dwell all day on one thing that you can’t control, can’t change. Don’t accept it and move on, instead think about how much it annoys you. Better yet, dwell for a few days, or even a week or more about something that is bothering you that you can change but don’t have the strength or courage to. This way when your kids ask you a simple, innocent question you’ll be pre-occupied and will snap, or worse.

Rule 9: Ignore help. Don’t ask for it. Try to do it all on your own. And when you are really struggling, definitely don’t ask for help. Keep trying to prove to yourself you can do it which by the way, you might be able to do for a while, but then you’ll crack and you’ll most certainly yell. Like raging scream yell.

Rule 10: Engage yourself in the same situation that always leads to yelling (um serving dinner late so the kids are extra whiny and temper tantrummy while I need to be cooking), so every day at that time can be like Groundhog day but only louder (your yelling, not theirs) and with more guilt (for said yelling and for knowingly setting yourself up for frustration. Again.)

Rule 11: Don’t engage yourself in your children’s lives. Focus more on checking email and keeping the house clean. This way they will beg for your attention and you’ll be annoyed they are interrupting you and like Step 8, will be inclined to snap or worse.

Rule 12: Create a to-do list that is just long enough to stress you out. You know, a list that is totally unmanageable. This way, when you look at the list your heart starts racing and your head starts pounding. This will make you totally intolerant to any and all requests from the children and definitely want to yell.

Rule 13: Have a really big glass of wine (or equally large gin and tonic) after the kids go to sleep. It will taste great at the moment and will take all the stress of the day away but the next morning it will make you feel sluggish and irritable and primed for yelling. Added bonus: Couple this with going to bed late. This is always a winner and a fabulous way to start the day off on not one, but two really wrong feet.

Rule 14: Assume that your kids are the reason you yell and that it is never because of you and how you are feeling that day. In other words, disregards Steps 1-13 and assume that no, these rules don’t set you up to yell it’s really just the kids mess, their yelling, their not listening that is responsible.

Rule 15: Tell yourself that you can’t do it. That if you can’t even go one hour, how can you go two hours or a day?

*
Does Rule #15 really apply to you?  Then come join me on The 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge day, this WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29^th. A day where I encourage everyone to go just 1 day without yelling. Just 1 day to see that yes, you can do it!

Do any of the other rules speak to you? Sadly, they ALL speak to me on too frequent a basis (and these are just the top 15!) But alas, I will be working on each one a lot harder the next 168 days. Follow along with me at www.Facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino to see how I handle those rules.

194 days without yelling, 171 days of loving more to go!

Dear #2,

I love you so. Oh how I love you.I love your snuggles, your kisses, your laughter. I love the stories you tell with such gusto, I love the excuses you give with such conviction. I love the zest you have for life, the carefree attitude you embrace. It’s great that you can be so relaxed, but sometimes, oh sometimes how I wish you cared a little more about consequences. Like last week for example. Remember dear child of mine when you threw sand on someone three times despite timeouts and chats with me? Remember how that led to your friend not wanting to play with you and mommy subsequently becoming embarrassed by your behavior, frustrated by your behavior and therefore primed for losing it? Remember how it ended?  Yeah, those consequences weren’t so pretty were they? I can’t say it enough. I’m sorry. I do love you, you know that right?
BIG hugs and kisses,
Mommy Orange Rhino

*

I did something not nice.

Like, really not nice.

Like, not nice in a way that has me thinking I need to change the rules to The Orange Rhino Challenge (at least for me).

After my 4 year old son threw sand on friends for the third time, I said:

“This is why you don’t have any friends.”

Ah, cringe. This happened a week ago and I still cringe ALL OVER.

I didn’t yell it. I didn’t even use a firm, loud voice. I used a matter of fact voice. And perhaps, that made it even worse. Because it came out not sounding frustrated or angry. It didn’t come out sounding like I just lost it for a moment, like it was an accident.

It came out sounding calculated. Intentional.

It was supposed to come out intentional and helpful, as in teaching a lesson, pointing out the facts.

But instead it came out HURTFUL.

One look at my son’s beautiful eyes that now looked lost and glazed over and I knew that I had hurt his feelings. I knew that what I had said had gone deep, that it had hit home in a way a 4 year old shouldn’t ever feel. As my words really sunk in, my son stopped dead in his tracks, his sad eyes locked on my face with a look of scared anticipation of what is she going to say next? What is she going to do next?, and then he burst into tears and ran away telling me I wasn’t nice. That he didn’t love me anymore. That I was a mean mommy.

And he was right.

I wasn’t an Orange Rhino mommy at that point, not by my standards. I know my rules are set up to be about how loud one’s voice is, about what tone it takes. That nice tones and quiet tones are the goal. But in this situation, I met both of the goals and yet the words I spoke were still MEAN and LOUD, perhaps even more so than if I had yelled at him to just STOP. When setting up the Orange Rhino Challenge rules I missed a big point:

It isn’t just the tone and the volume I use when I speak that matters, it is also THE WORDS that matter.

At the end of the day, my words, even if quiet and calm, hurt my son. I could have sung them, whispered them, said them in another language, or said them while standing upside down on my head and they still would have hurt my son’s feelings.  At the end of the day, even if my words followed “my rules” because I remained quiet, they still had the same impact as yelling: they took a hit at my son’s self confidence, they took a hit at his trust in me.

I could sit here and write that yes, what I said was warranted; that it was okay, that he deserved it. I could sit here and write that yes, he needed to learn a lesson, that he needed to learn the connection between his behavior and why people don’t want to play with him. But an even more important truth is that YES I could have made my point in a more gentle way. A more constructive way. A more loving way.

His behavior might be the source of my frustration, the source of my action, but at this moment, his behavior isn’t in question, mine is. Because I AM THE PARENT. I am the one responsible for helping and teaching my son in a loving manner!

Instead, at this moment, I criticized him. I pointed out his lack of friends to him, something I know he is struggling with and sad about, and threw it in his face.

I mean really, how old am I … 4?

Sure, I didn’t yell, but does that make it right?

NO it doesn’t. Because in this case, I loved my son LESS not more and this Challenge is about loving more. And in this case, I didn’t even come close.

So while I could be proud that I didn’t yell, I feel anything but proud.

I feel disappointed in myself.

I feel frustrated with myself.

I feel ashamed of myself.

And I feel sad for my son. Not just because I know he isn’t a malicious child, because I know he just wants to be included and is struggling to figure out how to make friends, but because I can’t take back the words I said. I can’t take back that moment.

So I am going to take back the day. 4 days actually.

That’s right, I am knocking 4 days off my “no yelling” counter as a reminder of the age I acted and the 4 years I have loved my son.  I am taking 4 days off to remind myself why I started the Orange Rhino Challenge in the first place: to become a more warm and composed mother who doesn’t scare or hurt her children’s feelings. Period.

I am taking days off to remind myself to work a little harder at this challenge, to remind myself that just because I have stopped yelling doesn’t mean I can start saying mean things in a quiet voice. Because really, that is just as bad.

P.S. I know some of you will say I am being too hard on myself by knocking days off since I didn’t technically break the rules. Perhaps I am. I just felt in my heart I needed a small “consequence” to teach me a lesson, to remind me that words can hurt even if not yelled. 

Dear Becca,

Thanks for writing this great guest post – you made several, no many more than that great and inspirational points. I even followed your advice, item #4, and WOW what a difference. I think it helped me get through the night tonight. No, I know it did. It made all the difference in the world. Whenever I get stuck I am going to come back and read your post. And I have a feeling our fellow Orange Rhinos might as well.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

I am a stay-at-home mom with two kids: Logan (4 years old) and Brenna (2 years old). I recently started The Orange Rhino Challenge because, hey, even though I would love to change the fact that my son can be hot-tempered, competitive, and defiant… as Maya Angelou wrote:

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” Well, I can’t change how my son acts (sigh), only how I react.

Now,Logan is also sweet, funny, and very smart (if I do say so myself) and I love him to pieces…but his aggressive tendencies really threw this mama for a loop. I grew up with a sister, so dealing with a little boy is a new experience for me! Add that to the fact that he inherited my passion and his daddy’s competitive streak and someone’s hot temper (not sure who to blame for that one, lol) and you’ve got a kid who is both amazing and challenging at the same time.

Did I mention I HATE conflict?

I’m a people-pleaser and never really learned how to handle conflict well. I tend to try to make the other person happy in an argument, which really doesn’t work when your conflict is with your own child, and you have to stand your ground. So, I have tried hard to teach Logan that he has to respect his parents and he has to listen to what I say. Which of course many times he doesn’t. (Go figure!) But when he disagrees with me, it’s a loud, angry ordeal.

So I thought the only way I was ever going to get this kid to listen was to yell. Snapping and raising my voice worked for reluctant obedience but caused serious conflict between us.

Orange Rhino inspiration center!

I haven’t really known what to do until I read about this Challenge. I was SO excited about starting my 30 Day Challenge (my own personal goal)- I printed out all the voice levels and a count-down chart to put on the fridge. I even posted some encouraging quotes for when I was struggling. I got 6 successful days into the Challenge thinking I SO had this…and then it happened.

I messed up.

I got lost while driving and the kids were fighting (both major triggers for me) so I snapped for them to shut it. Started myself right back at zero feeling like a jerk, and tried again the next day. Messed up again, and again, and again. I felt like I was never going to even get back to Day 1! And here’s why: I felt seriously DEFEATED. And that feeling of guilt and frustration made me want to give up. (YUP. I’ve been there Becca. I’ve been there. You are NOT alone.) 

Any other perfectionists out there?? I hate messing up, and I’ll tell you what, nothing will force you to give up being a perfectionist like parenting. You can’t be a perfect parent, and that’s OKAY! Read that last sentence again, and believe it! I have to remind myself daily.

And that’s what I want to share today. The fact that you are a wonderful mom!! I’m sure you’re thinking, “How do you know? You don’t know me.” But the fact that you are investigating this challenge says that you are someone who deeply cares about your kids. You want what is best for them and you are humble enough to admit that you are struggling in some areas and need help. That is a true sign of strength! So here are some things to consider next time you are beating yourself up over snapping at your kiddos.

1. You Made a Mistake, but You are a Good Mom! Sure, there is room to improve. But you made a mistake in a single instance, and that mistake does not define your self-worth as a mom! You aren’t giving up, and that takes courage.

2. Love Goes a Long Way. When I start feeling overwhelming guilt, it can be crippling. I have to remind myself that there is a lot of love in our house, and that consistent love and forgiveness of each other will get us past the tough moments.

3. You CAN do this. When I started failing repeatedly, I thought “I just don’t have what it takes.” That’s not true! We do have what it takes and we have to believe in ourselves. We have been blessed with these kids, and we are their moms…not the “perfect” moms at the park, not the magazine moms- they can’t do it! YOU know your children, and you alone have been given the awesome responsibility to be their mom! You can do it!

And lastly…

4. Give Yourself a Break. Give yourself some serious grace. We all make mistakes, and we just have to keep trying. But also, give yourself a LITERAL break. I forget to take time for myself and then all that giving ends up not helping anyone because I get completely burned out! I start twitching when I hear “Mommy!” for the fiftieth time. I feel my blood boil when the kids are arguing constantly. And it just doesn’t end well for anyone.

Hand daddy (or grandma, or neighbor, or best friend) the kids and back away slowly! Even just a couple of hours away can do such a world of good, for you AND the kids. If you are like me and feel guilty when you do fun things for yourself, remember that you can’t take care of them if you don’t take care of you!

So what about you? Do you ever feel like giving up? How do you make time to take care of yourself? Share in the comments because I’m sure we could all use some new ideas!

If you want to write to be the next guest blogger (and I would love you to be!), please email me at theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com. 

187 days of not yelling, 178 days of loving more to go! 

Dear Sarcasm,

While I love you, and oh do I love you, the truth is you often hide something really deep that I need to look at. My post the other night about how to get my kids to listen to me was a perfect example. In the middle of writing that sarcastic rant about the challenges of getting my kids to listen to me (read here), I had a deep thought, a few questions really. And these questions kept pestering me to think about them these last few days so tonight, I had to give it a go. I had to go deep and not hide under you. See you soon though I am sure…

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

In all my questioning of how to get my boys to listen to me better, in all my reading of how to get my boys listening to me better, never once did I read, or stop and think…

Do I ask my boys to listen too much? Or in other words,

Do I ask my boys to do too much?
Do I ask so much that they are tired of having to listen to me request them to do things?
Do I ask so much of my boys that when I speak all they hear is “blah blah blah, blah blah?”

Because I have to admit. I ask my boys to do a lot. Not just expectations, but actions, behaviors. In fact, I don’t think I stop asking them to do things all day. Don’t play guns. Don’t say mean words. Don’t hit. Don’t push. Don’t spit. Stop when someone says stop. Clear you plate at meal time. Stay at the table at meal time. Try to make your bed. Try to clean your room. Please put your shoes away. Please don’t leave toys on the stairs. Please don’t slam doors. Please use your inside voice. Please come here for a second. Please put your toys down it’s time to leave.  Can you help me with this? Can you help me with that?

Oh. My. God.

I am tired just writing out all the things I ask them to do. I get tired just thinking of all the times I ask them to stop what they are doing in order to listen to me so that they can do what I WANT. WHEN I WANT IT. HOW I WANT IT.

Shoot, I would get tired of having to listen to me talk all day. Wait, I DO get tired of listening to myself talk. I DO get tired of giving “directions” all day long. I know my job as a parent is to teach my sons, to guide them how to become good sons, good brothers, good friends, good neighbors, good people all around and with that does unfortunately come a lot of requests on my part and a lot of listening on their part.

A LOT.

And I know that many of the things I ask do need to be heard, do need to be listened to, do need to get done.

But still…

Maybe, just maybe, my sons have a hard time “listening” because I truly ask too much, because I bombard them all day long with requests, instructions and expectations about how to act? Maybe my sons have a hard time “listening” because they are simply OVERLOADED with information from me and opt to tune me out because they both need and want a break?

I mean gosh, there is a list of 10 actions, JUST 10, that I could do (supposedly) in order to have children that listen better (read here). Just 10 things and I feel too bothered to be bothered to do all 10, to remember all 10. And I am an adult!

For my boys, the list of things I ask them to do is a heck of a lot more than 10. It’s more like a 50. And I bet if I actually tracked it, it would be more like 100.

I know how 10 items makes me feel.
I can only imagine how 100+ items makes my kids feel. And they are kids. KIDS!

So truly, I have to stop and think, am I ASKING MY KIDS TO DO TOO MUCH? Too much so that when I do speak, they tune me out because they are tired of listening and having to respond…again for the umpteenth time that day?

As I think about it I think the answer is NO. Wait, YES.

NO a lot of what I ask is necessary and part of becoming a responsible, nice, respectful, loving, good person, being asked to do things, lots of things, it’s part of the territory of being a kid. But at the same time….

YES they are just kids and listening is hard work for them…um, it’s hard work for me as a quasi-adult! I could afford to not get so miffed when they don’t listen. I could afford to take it less personally, to be more empathetic and to remember how much I ask of them AND how much they already do! I could afford to lighten up a bit, to stay focused on the big items I want them to listen to and respond to but perhaps stop nagging about the small items.

I could afford to, no I WILL, try to stop and ask myself more often, is my request necessary? Can I chill out? Can I let my kids be kids? And maybe, just maybe, if I chill out and ask less of my kids, they will listen better when I do ask. It’s a fine line, asking too much of my kids and asking too little, but it’s a line I need to explore because I have a hunch that I am too much on the too much side.

184 days of not yelling, 181 days of loving more to go!

Dear sweet children of mine,

Why of why do you insist on not listening me to me when I ask you to do something? Why is that your pre-school teacher can speak and you immediately respond, dutifully? And if not the first time, the second time? Whereas for me, if not the first time, or the second, it takes five or size times for you to respond? Does your teacher have magic powers I don’t know about it? Do I speak in a foreign language that you don’t understand? Oh I wish I knew the answer. Because this is one of the biggest sticklers in our relationship. My asking, you’re not doing. Please get your shoes on for school. Please don’t pick up the baby. Please come to the dinner table. Please clean up the legos on the floor. Please that, please this. Seriously some days all I want to scream is: “HELLO!!! Why aren’t you doing what I asked you to do??? DO IT NOW…please!”

xoxo,
Mommy Orange Rhino

*

“#1 STOP banging the blocks.” I said kind-of politely from across the room.

Of course, he didn’t stop.

“#1 STOP banging the blocks NOW.” I said a little less politely from across the room.

Of course, he still didn’t stop.

“#1 STOP doing banging the blocks NOW OR ELSE.” I said even less politely from across the room, but now with the kitchen sink running.

Still, no bloody response.

Finally, I turned the sink off. I walked across the room to where #1 sat banging the family room coffee table with heavy wood blocks. I got down to his level, looked him in the eye, and said “#1, please stop banging the blocks on the table. Did you hear what I said? Repeat it back.”

“Please stop banging the blocks.”

“Do you understand? Will you listen?”

“Yes mommy. Okay mommy.”

The banging stopped. FINALLY!

Holy sh*t. It was that easy?! It took me four tries to get the obnoxious banging to stop and if I had just gone over in the first place, made eye contact, and made sure he heard me he would have stopped earlier? What the…!

It is SO simple and SO hard to get kids to listen. So simple if you follow all the basic rules different experts suggest:

1. Walk over to child…don’t try to get them to listen from across the room! (Really, I have to move? I can’t multi-task. Dammit.)

2. Make eye contact by getting to child’s level (Are you kidding me? If I get down, I won’t get up. If I wanted to squat I would go to the gym.)

3. Get attention by using child’s name (Seriously? I say his name all day. He doesn’t care. Oh right, that is because I say it too much.)

4. Keep it simple (You mean like the days in elementary school when they taught us, K.I.S.S. Keep it Simple Stupid?!)

5. Keep it short (What, my child doesn’t want to listen to a long speech? I haven’t talked to anyone all day, this is my chance!)

6. Have child repeat back to confirm comprehension (And what if they get it wrong? Do I have to repeat the above process all over again as another child engages in another activity needing my attention?)

All of the above is great. Really. Except for one thing. All of the above takes a boat load of energy, time, patience and persistence. And on a good day, I am using up all my energy, time, patience and persistence to not yell at them to listen…god forbid I actually use those personal resources to get my kids to listen in the first place so that I don’t want to yell!

I mean really. I know all of the above works, nine out of ten times. No that is being nice. 8 out of 10 times. But yet, I don’t do it. Because it is exhausting having to go over to my children (seriously all the walking back and forth, up and down stairs, in and out of the backyard gets tiresome!) and then having to remember everything I need to do to get them to listen and then having to find the self control to do all the aforementioned things instead of screaming “DO WHAT I SAY NOW…BECAUSE I SAID SO!”  It all adds up to make a day longer and harder.

Sigh.

(Photo courtesy of Squidoo.com) 

After I read everyone’s comments the other day about what is the #1 thing that makes you want to yell, and a majority said not listening, I did some online research about how to get kids to listen. I read the above 6 points just about everywhere. Then I read some new ideas which I have since tried and have really worked in addition to the above 6 ideas…

7. Begin requests with “I want” as children naturally want to please. This is working phenomenally. PHENOMENALLY. I hate to admit it because whenever I say “I want” I feel selfish, but they get it.

8. Give Choices I have tried this tactic in the past and it too works well, mostly because my choices are “Do what I want or go to your room.” Hmmm, GREAT OPTIONS MOM. So I changed it up a bit and started giving real options. Much better response.

9. Don’t Bother unless Child is calm. Yeah, that’s a no brainer. If #1 is upset and screaming, guess what, he LITERALLY won’t be able to hear me. So wait.

But I would like to add my own, something I didn’t read anywhere. This is also a no brainer. A true “DUH, mommy, are you an idiot?”idea. I realized it this week during an exchange I had with #2.

“#2, please stop doing THAT.”

“What?”

“Please stop doing THAT.”

“I heard you. What’s THAT?”

“What you’re doing.”

This exchange went on and on. Kind of like the “Who is on 1^st” baseball joke.

I finally got it.

#2 didn’t understand what “that” was. Did I want him to stop singing? Stop tapping his toes? Stop throwing all the books out of the bookcase?

I hadn’t been clear. AT ALL.

Rule #10 for how to get my kids to listen: Be PRECISE! Don’t use the words “this, that” or even just saying “Stop.” Add the descriptors. Make it so painfully clear that there is no room for misinterpretation.

Does that mean next time I say “#2, please stop throwing all the books out of the bookcase (because if you don’t mommy is going to friggin’ lose it?!)”

Ah, parenthood. Gotta love it.

177 days without yelling, 187 days of loving more to go!

Dear Computer Keyboard,

My mind is full of so much that I want to say, that I want to get out, that I want to write about yet I can’t because my mind is too overwhelmed. It doesn’t know where to start. What to process first. Because I am too stressed to process what I need to process in order to start writing and feel better. Does that make any sense? So I implore you, can you please pull the words out of my head and help remove the writer’s block? If not, I swear I am going to lose it and by that I mean I am going to scream at my boys and that is the last thing I need right now.

Thanks for your help,
The Orange Rhino

*

I want to write about my baby turning one, about being in denial that I no longer have a “baby” in the house, about being disappointed that I didn’t spend as much “quality” time with my last baby as I hoped, about being frustrated with myself that I am not good at fully enjoying the quality time that I do have.

I want to write about loving my 4 boys but how I sometimes think it would be great to have a girl TOO. Not instead, but TOO. About how smelling a little girl’s Strawberry Shortcake doll just now brought tears to my eyes because I know that some of my most favorite childhood pastimes I probably won’t share with my boys.

I want to write about how I know in my heart 4 kids is our family but that I still dream of having another child. But we won’t because right now my three eldest are each struggling, really struggling, and I am at my wits end which makes it blatantly clear to me that 4 is our limit (because #4 isn’t old enough to give me problems!)

I want to write about how with 4 kids, I can’t seem to figure out how to adequately give each one the help they need right now. How frustrated I am that I have been told by speech therapists and occupational therapists what I should do to help my kiddos yet I can’t find the time (scratch that, that I don’t make the time) to help them.

I want to write about how I love having 4 kids, but how it has ostracized me from lots of things that I knew it would, that I wouldn’t change it for a world, but still sometimes it gets me down, sometimes I feel alone and lost and like no one understands me or my challenges.

I want to write about how having 4 kids is wonderfully…hard. How I don’t have it all together like people think…but that I wish I did. That I was truly the “wow, you are such a patient mom, you always seem so pulled together to.” Ha, as if!

I want to write about how I constantly question my boys’ behavior and worry if it is just a phase, if it is a boy thing, if it IS normal or not, if it is a result of my parenting and then I worry about what others think about their behavior and what others think about my parenting. And I know no one’s opinions matter per say, but I still worry.

I want to write about how I haven’t yelled lately but that I’ve used a firm voice an awful lot to try to get said behavior in line. And that I don’t like that. At all. And that even though I haven’t broken my Orange Rhino Challenge rules, I am still not pleased with myself because I know I can do better.

I want to write about how despite all the craziness in the house I love my boys SO much and that I wish I could enjoy the good moments more, yet it is near impossible because the minute I find myself enjoying the moment BAM someone starts screaming.

I want to write about how I want to actually seize the moment and go on adventures with my boys, yet how I feel stressed most of the time and can’t help but wonder, is it worth it? Is it worth it to push myself for a few hours of fun? (The answer is always yes but still at the beginning, I always wonder!)

I want to write about how excited and proud I am that #3 decided to potty train himself while on our recent adventure, but how sad I am that he is growing up and that I will yes, miss changing his diapers. We always had such great chats during diaper time, seriously, and it always gave me 30 seconds to stop and stare at his beautiful baby face and cherish his adorableness.

I want to write about how #3 still screams an awful lot and that as much progress as we have made in a year, I still feel like we are dealing with the same issues and I worry that something is wrong. That either I am parenting wrong or that there is something else going on. Autism has been ruled out but still, I worry.

I want to write about how we feel #2 is being bullied and we don’t know how to proceed. He is only 4. That’s right people. 4. Who knew kids could be so mean? Who knew that watching my son being excluded and then laughed at would bring back painful memories of my own childhood?

I want to write about how #1 is always anxious and worried. That he gets it from me and I feel awful about it. Awful that he experiences these feelings, awful that I get frustrated by the 100^th question driven by concern. What is a boardwalk? If it is on water, will it fall down? Will I fall in the ocean? Will I drown? Will a lifeguard rescue me? All he needs to hear is “you’re safe” instead he hears frustrated and short responses to his questions.

I want to write about it all. Every last bit of it and more.  I want to write about all that is clogging my mind and putting me on edge with my kids, yet I fear that if I sit down and truly, deeply write about what’s on my mind and then read it on the screen it will be real. Which I know is actually a good thing, but still.

I want to write because keeping all my feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, disappointment bottled up inside is leading to one thing…a not nice mommy. I might not be yelling but I am not necessarily as nice as I want to be either. Not even close. I need to let these feelings out because my boys deserve better. Full. Stop. Period.

Note to self (1): After I wrote this, I instantly felt better. I felt a weight lifted. I felt a teensy bit of patience and love come back into my body. Don’t keep things bottled up. It does you NO GOOD.

Note to self (2):  When you start to feel overwhelmed, tackle the stress bit my bit. You didn’t write anything because you felt the need to write the whole thing. You didn’t know where to start. You wrote a little bit about each feeling and felt like you made progress. Kind of like getting through the day without yelling. Take it one step at a time…