30 days down, 335 to go!

Dear Day 30,
WOW! I so never thought you were going to come. I mean really, me, not yelling for 30 days straight? That’s a joke. I still don’t believe it. I am pretty sure my mother-in-law wouldn’t believe it either but she would be thrilled. She never really has approved of how much I used to yell. Used to yell. Wow, that is cool to write. Used to. Not do yell, but used to. Sweet.  And to be clear, it wasn’t that I yelled 24-7 but when I did, it was mean. Oh boy was it mean. And the boys cowered. It was not cool. So tonight, I am pretty ecstatic at the progress I have made. I still have a LONG ROAD ahead. A long, long road. Probably more like a long, bumpy, slippery and wicked steep hill. But that’s okay. The drive is totally worth it. My boys are totally, no more than totally, worth it.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

THE ORANGE RHINO REVELATION: I am not the only one with good ideas in this house, I am not the only one who knows a thing or two! It turns out that my boys do too. I need to be more open-minded to what they have to say because well sh*t they might actually have a really good point and conceding that point could save me from a lot of unnecessary yelling!

This morning #1 and I were in our  normal battle over what clothes he should wear. He wanted to wear shorts and a t-shirt, I wanted him to wear the pants and t-shirt I put out. 5 minutes later he was downstairs, on the couch in shorts.

Me: WTF? I thought we had this discussion?

Okay, no I didn’t say that but I wanted to!

Me:
#1, we discussed this, it’s too cold for shorts.

#1:
Yes mom, but I want to wear shorts.

Me (totally annoyed because I had been up since 4:45 with the baby…):
Well, I’m sorry, you can not wear shorts.End of discussion.

#1:
You know mom, I can just run up and change after the show is over.

Me:
Oh, okay, I guess you are right.

Well that sure as heck was a lot smoother than yelling at him, demanding him to change at that moment. There was of course still a lot of reminding after the shower was over but at least we reached a compromise and there were no tears involved!

*

THE ORANGE RHINO REVELATION: BirthDAYS might not be the same now that I am a mom, in fact they might be out right depressing (read more at It’s my Birthday and I’ll cry if I want to), but that is why I am inventing BirthNIGHTS. Dinners out with girlfriends to celebrate my Birthday. BirthNIGHTS are never depressing and always fun. My BirthNIGHT with one of my friends was tonight hence the no major post 🙂 And it couldn’t have come at a better night, as I got to have a glass of champagne in honor of my BirthNIGHT and my 30 days without yelling. Woo hoo!

Cheers!

The Orange Rhino
www.Facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino 

29 days down, 336 days to go! 

Dear Orange Rhino,

Yesterday you admitted you needed help. Today you need to admit that you can’t blog every night. If you want to succeed at your challenge, you need to be relaxed and rested, not cranky! You need to go to bed earlier, spend more time with yourself NOT thinking about the Challenge, you need to have more time on the couch with your hubby watching Grey’s Anatomy and cursing at Ben for liking Courtney, and you need to take a step back. So today I am forcing you to not post. Or at least not post a full post. Instead share two new ideas you have then go to bed.

Did you hear me? Share and then GO TO BED. Yes I am yelling at you.

Cheers,

Yourself

*

Okay, my two new ideas so that I can get to bed.

I will post “deep thoughts” from the trenches as frequently as I can (hope this is okay?) but when I can’t, I will do one of two things, or both.

1) I will post 1 or 2 or more Orange Rhino Revelations from the day. A teaser if you will. It might be new, it might be old, and it certainly won’t be eloquently written, but hopefully it will inspire you! Please don’t stop following or sharing because of my cutting back. Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top.

2) As new Orange Rhinos achieve personal milestones, like 10 days!!! maybe 20?!!, I will invite them to write about their experience so that I can share it with you on days I need off. The way I see it, the more we all share our positive experiences, the more we will all be inspired to keep going.

So here we go.

THE ORANGE RHINO’s REVELATION: If I don’t take care of myself, I become cranky. When I become cranky, I yell. Therefore I need to take care of myself. Hence, this post! 

THE ORANGE RHINO’s REVELATION: Don’t Assume my kids are up to no good.
#1 had a pen in his hand. He was standing at my desk, by my calendar. The one I put hours into choosing the perfect pictures. The one with all important appointments written on it in color code for each child. He was silent. He looked pensive. He looked like he was up to no good. I looked right at him and calmly (which totally surprised me!) said “Please don’t tell me you just wrote all over my calendar.” “No mommy, I didn’t. But can you tell me where we are in this picture? I can’t remember exactly but I know we were having lots of fun.” SOO glad I didn’t yell. He was reminiscing. How sweet.

And tonight’s Orange Rhino Inspirational Read…

28 days down, 337 days to go!

Dear Orange Rhino Community,
I mean this with the upmost love and sincerity, but Darn You! Every time I want to quit, that I want to throw in the towel and say I can’t do this, it is too much, it is too hard, I am going to fail, and that I DECIDE to quit, one of you sends the most eerily perfect email or Facebook post that reassures me.  And then I think “sh*t” I can’t quit. And I don’t.  So I guess instead of saying “darn you,” I should be saying…

Thank you!

The Orange Rhino

*

Whenever I read one of your posts, or one of your emails, from a new or old Follower, I get excited that The Orange Rhino Community that I envisioned is actually forming. A community of parents supporting each other in the goal to parent with more warmth and composure and less yelling. A community where honesty isn’t frowned upon, but embraced. A community free of judgment, where I can safely admit that I yell too much. A community where it is okay to be REAL…where it is OKAY to admit I need help.

And oh boy do I need this Community. Why?

Because I SUCK at asking for help. Suck at it.

Just ask any of my local friends who tried to help me when my 4^th boy in 5 years arrived. They offered to bring food. To bring kids to camp. To bring groceries. I politely declined. Well except for the first day home from the hospital when I realized I needed Newborn size diapers for the first time ever and I needed even larger size breasts shield for using the breast pump because well the 4^th time around, things are just different! The last thing I could handle was a trip to Babies ‘R Us so I asked for helped. But that was it. That was pretty much the extent of my asking for help at a time when obviously, I really needed it. I didn’t ask for help when I felt I just couldn’t make it through another day. I didn’t ask for help when I knew it would make my life easier, and better.

And why the hell not? Was I too proud? Too stubborn? Too sleep deprived to know any better?

No, I was just stupid. Okay, and perhaps a bit too proud. Okay, and probably too stubborn also.

I wanted to prove to people that I could handle 4 kids under 5 (mostly) by myself, that I didn’t need that much help. Why? Because so many people told me that I was crazy to have 4 kids in 5 years. That I was screwed to have 4 boys. That I needed full time help and then some. Which I of course I took to mean: that I couldn’t do it on my own, that I was not capable, but weak, that I made a mistake having so many kids so close together.

Yes, all of these are my personal issues. None of my friends were saying what I felt they were. And no, I don’t think anyone I know who asks for help is incapable or weak, I actually think they are strong and wise. So my logic in not asking for help, even though when others do I think it is a good move, well it was totally flawed!

Yes, I should have just asked for help. Asked for someone to bring me coffee. Asked for someone to come help me organize clothes (we had just moved). Asked for someone to make that second trip to Babies ‘R Us. But you see, I like to give back. I like to give, period. So I feel bad asking and accepting help knowing that I can’t return the favor in the near future. So, I only take help when I know I can return the favor.

Well, again, this is just stupid and stubborn. I know.

Because everyone needs help at times. And it is OKAY to ask for help. I’m going to say that again so maybe I start to believe it, haha. IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP! There will be a time when the tables are turned. When I will be able to give all that I want to give and there will be a mom, either one I know or perhaps one I’ve met through this Challenge, that will need my help, my support. A mom who won’t be able to return the favor. And guess what – I won’t expect her to and I will be glad to help her.

So I guess I’ve learned my lesson. This go ‘round, as I take on my “5^th” child, The Orange Rhino Challenge, I readily admit that I need help. There I said it.

I need help. I need help keeping my promise to my boys to not yell for 365 days. It’s a big promise. A big big one. But it is oh so important to me and my boys. I simply have to keep it! I knew I couldn’t take on this challenge by myself, I knew that I would need the support. I knew that I would need a community to turn to when I just want to SCREAMMMMMMM! Which is exactly why I created the blog and opened myself up. And you all have been there, and helped me. Thank gosh for facebook, thank gosh for you!

So please, keep doing what you are doing. Send me emails, share my posts, post on my FB page that I can do it when I say I want to scream because you are helping me in a big BIG way. Your support and enthusiasm for The Orange Rhino Challenge inspires me to keep going, even when it is beyond TOUGH.

And P.S. My four boys, #1, #2, #3, and #4, they Thank you too because they much prefer the new mommy who “gives lots more hugs and kisses.”

www.TheOrangeRhino.com
www.Facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino

27 days down, 338 to go!

Dear Leap Day,
You’re just the Day that keeps on giving! Last week you helped me realize that I need to have more faith in myself that I can take on The Orange Rhino Challenge,  that I can succeed both in not yelling and in sharing. Well in realizing this, you also made me realize something else, something even more powerful. It’s not just about me. Forget just having more faith in myself, I need to have more faith in my kiddos.

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

These last few days have been really quite hard. I’ve struggled. There is simply no doubt. Why? Well, amongst other reasons, my kiddos have been collapsing in tears over everything and nothing and it is draining. Draining, draining, draining! I’ve done my best to give full attention to the tears, but I have to be honest, after a while I find myself drowning in what starts to feel like drama. I find myself thinking, really? Really you are crying again? Over that?  #2 took your toy, again. Okay. That’s not new news. #3 won’t share. Okay. That’s not new news either. That’s nothing, no big deal.

Now, wait, who am I to judge what is everything or nothing? What seems like nothing to me, “he took my sticker off my shirt and now it won’t re-stick” could be everything to #2 (in fact it was, the sticker was from a friend so it did mean everything, it meant he was liked).

So, the way I see it, not only do I have to have more faith in myself, but also I have to have more faith in my kids.  More faith that even though they are “just kids” who tend to cry a lot, chances are that when they are really REALLY upset, that something REAL is going on. More faith that their feelings are REAL and important TO THEM, even if at the time, they seem trivial and annoying to me!

Today would have been a great day to have more faith from the start. Today was oh so full of emotional outbursts!  Full of them. The cup poureth over. Every time I turned around to ask my sweet first born to do something simple, like clear his plate, he started bawling. And when he wasn’t hysterical, #2 was. The crying NEVER STOPPED.

Now, my first instinct when one of my boys is in an emotional, full on tears, tirade, for the third or fourth time that day! is to yell “ENOUGH ALREADY!!!” (It gets just a tad bit exhausting and irritating, you know?) It hardly ever dawns on met at that moment that when there are big tears and big emotions over small things that there is usually something else going on. That it’s not just nothing. That it’s REAL. Sometimes it is just exhaustion. Sometimes it is just that he is having a bad day. But sometimes, well lots of times actually, it is something bigger and it feels like everything to him.

But always, always if I just STOP and ask what is going on, I get an answer. And if I am uber patient and uber persistent, I get the REAL answer.

Somewhere, somehow, I got the strength and brilliance this afternoon to hold #1 and ask him nicely what was going on, instead of chiding him for his behavior over small, silly things (which is what I used to do. Sigh).

“What is going on? Why have you been crying all day? Why the big tears?”

“Mommy, I’m sad that I don’t get more daddy time. I want two daddys. One that works and one that stays home and plays with me all day.”

“Is that all?”

“No, I want more mommy time. I want two mommys. You play with my brothers all the time. You love them more than me.  I want one mommy that plays with just me and one that plays with my brothers.”

Well, that just about broke my heart. Here I had been wanting to yell at him all day, growing more and more agitated by his outbursts and he just wanted more mommy and more daddy time. If that wasn’t eye opening I don’t know what is. Imagine if I had asked him this question at the START of the day instead of 4:00? Imagine if I hadn’t just assumed he was crying because, well, that is what kids tend to do from time to time. Sure would have made for a much smoother day full of more love and understanding and much less agitation.

It amazes me that before The Orange Rhino challenge, I never would have taken the energy to stop and ask what was up, why the big tears. I would have probably just focused my energy on yelling and getting my son to do what I had asked.

I am so grateful that I couldn’t yell today. That I was forced to stop and ask what was going on, to find out if it was truly nothing, or if it was everything. Because what my son told me was super important, REAL important, way more important than any of the silly chores that I wanted him to do.

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
www.TheOrangeRhino.com 

24 days down, 341 to go!

Dear Day 24,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for being so kind and taking it down a notch because quite frankly days 20, 21, 22, and 23 have sucked. No, that is putting it mildly. They have been miserably depressing and horrifically challenging to the point of me wanting to give up on The Orange Rhino Challenge and blogging all together. I *think* I’ve turned the corner, I hope so!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

The boys, yes all 4 including my bambino, did a fabulous job of finding their most annoying personality trait and parading it around the house from 6 am until 6 pm every day this week. #1 had two to three full-on emotional outbursts everyday over the smallest thing. #2 didn’t stop talking, even to take a breath. #3 spoke in a scream all week and #4 cried whenever he was put down. Oh, and #3 and #4 barely slept. Of course my sleep deprivation and stress headaches also hung around every day all week. Put my kids’ awesomeness together and BAM this week smacked me in the face. Oh, and I forgot to mention that when I am sleep deprived, I start to get extra moody and hormonal and start walking towards “my dark place.” So that made this week extra special.

Then it happened.

I took all 4 cranky boys to the pediatrician’s office to check to see if a double ear infection was the root of #3’s sleeping problems (per the doctor’s request). It wasn’t. Dammit, I was really looking for an easy solution! Anywho, picture a room about the size of a queen size bed. Maybe smaller. Now picture 1 doctor, 1 resident, 1 stroller (with baby), one mommy, three kids, a doctors table and a wall of cabinets. Now picture the free space. Right. There is none. We are snug as bugs in this room. And yes, I am claustrophobic. And yes, the baby is screaming (his teeth hurt?!), #3 is screaming “no shots, no shots” and #1 and #2 are bickering over who gets what color marker. It was such a lovely family bonding moment. Ha. Hardly.

Before Challenge, B.C., I would have broken into a sweat trying to keep the peace so that (1) I could look like a pulled together, terrific mom who doesn’t snap and (2) so that I could focus on what the doctor had to say. Instead of my normal I’m-at-the-doctor-and-the-room-is-too-small-and-you-kids-are-driving-me-nuts-nasty snap, I just laughed. I took one look around the room and thought to myself “This is f*****g nuts. I have four kids under 5. I bring my own circus wherever I go. God help me.”  And the sweat never came. It was so odd. I totally surprised myself.

But it was JUST what the doctor ordered.

It reminded that I AM changing, that I AM becoming a calmer person, a person who doesn’t YELL at her kids when she is stressed.  And boy did I need that reminder. I needed my groove back. I needed to feel good about myself, about this Challenge. I needed to know that all of my hard work means something.

I needed to feel empowered and invigorated again, because although I made it through the last few days not yelling, they were not so graceful. I had too many “oopsie snaps” and even occasionally flirted with the idea of “The Nasty Snap” much more than I care to admit. And while I didn’t break any Challenge Rules that I set forth for myself, I did realize one thing this past week:

Not yelling is great, but if it is replaced with lots of snapping, even if unintentional, that’s not so great.

“Oopsie snaps” are a reflection of my being not as patient, not as engaged, not as empathetic as I wish. I wish to be all those things because when I am, it means I am being more loving. Period. I started this challenge because I wanted to stop yelling. But why stop yelling? Because I felt awful every time I did. But why? Was it guilt? Was it embarrassment? Was it disappointment in myself? No, it was love. I love my boys immensely. I fell in love with them the minute I knew they were growing inside of me…and I fell even harder the minute I held them in my arms.

But my yelling, it was hurting their feelings, it was scaring them, it was shaming them. It was everything BUT loving them. And quite frankly, lots of snapping, well after a while, it isn’t loving them either.

So as I think about it, really, my commitment to do The Orange Rhino Challenge, to Not Yell for 365 days, it’s not just about changing the volume of my voice or changing my tone. It’s deeper than that. It’s about changing my entire momma attitude. It’s about being more patient, more engaged, more empathetic…more loving. Lucky for me, as I really hope to conquer this challenge, I have a feeling that if I yell less, I will love more. And If I am more patient, engaged, and empathetic…I will yell less. So whatever I chose to work on, I’ll win. I’ll love more. And at the end of the day, that is what is at the HEART of The Orange Rhino Challenge. Loving more.

www.TheOrangeRhino.com
www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino

23 days down, 342 to go!

Dear Leap Day,
You came and I was so busy being cranky that I missed celebrating you! But as I write today, a day later, I thank you for reminding me of something. This project of mine, the not yelling for 365 days and blogging about it hoping someone wants to read it, it’s a leap of faith. Leap Year comes every four years. This opportunity however, to work on something that I am passionate about and truly believe in, comes once. And I have to seize it. Not just for me, but for my kids. So, sorry I missed you this go around but hopefully next time I do see you I still won’t be yelling!

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

I have to have more faith in myself that I can do this. That I can blog and share my feelings and not worry about what people think because really, that is what my problem is today. That is what is holding me back from writing what is on my find. This Challenge, it is more than about not yelling. It is about discovering if I want to remain a dedicated SAHM or if I want to go back to work part time. It is about learning to share my feelings without spending hours worrying what people think…it is about getting a thicker skin like a Rhino! It is about learning to persevere, even when I want to quit because I think I am going to fail. It is about learning to set time limits for myself – and focusing on what is important to me. It is about being honest with myself about all of these things even if I don’t like the answers.

I have to take the leap of Faith that these questions will resolve themselves. But only if I keep with it. I’ll be honest, I want to quit. For all the reasons above. Do I want to start yelling again? No, I don’t. Do I want to stop writing? No, I don’t it truly is helping me. Everytime I start writing, I learn something new about myself and why I yell. And I go to bed with some weight lifted. Do I want to stop sharing? Yes and No. Yes, because I worry what people think. If they like what I wrote, if they shared it with friends or not. But no, I don’t want to stop sharing, because I feel a community growing. A wonderful community of honesty, kindness, and support and it feels great to be a part of it.

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
www.TheOrangeRhino.com

22 days down, 343 to go!

Dear Orange Rhino Readers,
In honor of Leap Day, I took a day off from blogging. Instead, I thought I would share one of my original posts written before I decided to go “live” and share my thoughts with the world. I am glad I pulled it up – I needed to be reminded of one of my first Orange Rhino Revelations: Self Awareness as to why I yell is Step 1 towards my success.

happy reading (and laughing at how Day 2, Take 2 malfunctioned),
The Orange Rhino

*
February 2, 2012

Day 2, Take 2

Dear Self Awareness,
You are what I need to help get me through this Challenge. If I can just figure out why I yell, what my triggers are, then maybe I’ll be able to stop! So please, come fill my head with lots of deep thoughts and insights and more so, the ability to admit to myself the truth about why I yell.

See you very soon I hope,
The Orange Rhino

*

I should not be writing right now but if I don’t, I’m going to lose it. The baby is sick and had me up all night (again!) so I’m tired. Which means one thing. It is only 6 am and the boys already have the upper hand! My oldest two woke before their “yellow suns” and started playing at 6 – instead of staying in rooms quietly until 630. Now, at first blush you say wow that’s great  – they played together and you got to stay in bed an extra half hour. Yes this is all very true and very much a miracle. But when they are cooped up together for that long – even if willingly – my 5 yr old gets all keyed up and inevitably will start picking on his brother.

Sure enough … ”#2 is a baby butt, #2 is a baby butt #2 is a baby butt.” #2 comes running in bawling. Cue baby to start crying and 2 year old to start banging obnoxiously on his door to come get him all at the same time. Ah the beautiful symphony of noises that fills my home so early in the morning. And now you know why I set my alarm and try to get up before them. So that I can be PREPARED for the onslaught.

So today, instead of yelling I picked up my computer and starting typing the frustration out hoping that it would calm my nerves down and bring me some relief. Anything. Bring me anything just so that I don’t scream!

Enter #1 and #2. “Mommy, Mommy you have to come see #2’s poop! It’s so cool looking.”

And all is well with the world. Poops are cool and now the baby is laughing at himself. Nothing like a good laugh to re-set my stay-cool button.

*

Um yeah, that was an EPIC FAIL. My stay-cool button must have malfunctioned because not 2 minutes later I kissed Day 2, Take 2 of not yelling good-bye! Shortly after pressing “Save” it donned on me that it was TOO Quiet. Rule of Thumb: If you have 4 boys under 5, or maybe just any number of kids, period, if it is TOO quiet, be afraid. Be very very afraid.

I anxiously walked out of my room. Lo and behold…there were SOAP SUDS EVERYWHERE! My oldest two, who were supposed to be brushing their teeth, were actually cleaning the sink and counter with hand soap which we all know, gets nice and sudsy and goes everywhere when you use the whole gosh darn bottle. Lovely. Just lovely.  Before I knew it, I had snapped. Rather loudly. “What the heck happened? Who made this mess? Who’s going to clean it up?” And then came the Roar. “Get in here NOW!!!!!” This was definitely a Level 5 Snap turned Level 6 Yell. #1’s hysterical response amid tears:

“But mommy, we were just doing our morning chores.”

I’ve taught them to wipe down the counter after brushing their teeth and that is exactly what they were doing. Wiping down the counter. Helping ME. How did I show my appreciation? My excitement for them taking initiative? I snapped at them. As #3 would say, “not nice!” As I would say, not cool and totally unnecessary.

ORANGE RHINO REVELATION: I snapped at them for so called “bad behavior” before even stopping to realize that they were JUST TRYING TO BE GOOD, trying to surprise me by pleasing me.

It seems I have a nasty little habit of seeing something the kids are doing that is good in nature but an inconvenience to me and yelling at them for it. This morning it was the soap suds.  At dinner I yelled at #2 for taking the milk out because I was afraid he’d spill it. He of course said “but mommy, I am just trying to help you.” Sigh. Then at bedtime, I snapped at #3 for taking off the baby’s diaper because I was certain he would feel the fresh air and pee everywhere – which of course he did. #3 then cried and said “baby bath.” Sigh. He just wanted his brother to go in the bath with him…..

Forget my “stay-cool” button, where is my STOP button? The one that helps me stop, survey the scene, ask questions and then talk not yell? Can I get one at Staples? Is it next to the Easy button?

This should read "Emergency. STOP. Think before Yelling. Chances are, it's unnecessary." Where can I get one? Can I hardwire it to my brain?!!

No seriously though, if I had just stopped for a mere second in these situations and realized the goodness that was going on, instead of charging, it could have been an awesome moment.

So now I am back to 0. AGAIN. How is it that I went 8 straight days and now I can’t go 36 hours? And let me tell you, those 8 days. They were fantastic. I felt invigorated. I felt empowered. I felt proud. I felt gosh darn good. I need to get back on track ASAP.

Enter my imaginary Orange Rhino friends. Where art thou? I need you! This blog is my place to record my success and struggles and hopefully find the support to change this habit for life. So please non-existent Orange Rhino friends, find me and help me keep my stay-cool button functioning!

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
www.TheOrangeRhino.com

21 days down, 344 to go!

Dear G.I. Joe (Jane),
Aren’t you the one who says “knowing is half the battle?” Well if I feel like half the time I don’t know anything about being a mom does that mean I have half a battle ahead of me for the next 25 plus years or just one hell of a big one? Do I even stand a chance of survival? If not, please come rescue me or at least send me more reinforcements in the form of friends, caffeine, babysitters and hot fudge ice cream sundaes.

Sincerely,

The Orange Rhino

*

Yes, please come rescue me.

Rescue me from the Great Stomach Bug Infestation of 2012 that has my 7 month old, 7 month old!, vomiting every day for 7 days straight. All he wants to do is eat, and every time I feed him, he vomits. The poor thing isn’t old enough to eat Saltines, drink ginger ale, or take any medicine so I basically have nothing I can do to soothe him except hold him and even that isn’t working.  So he just screams most of the day and at night, and well last night, I think he screamed on and off from 1:30 am until 5:00… I lost track of the time. I wish I KNEW what to do to help him.

And please rescue you me from 3+ weeks of my 2 ½ year olds sleeping habits progressively getting worse to the point of a 30 minute nap (instead of 2 hours) and being up 3-4 times a night inconsolable. My sweet #3 used to sleep like a champ: he put himself to sleep and put in some good solid hours for me. Now? It’s an absolute train wreck and it is pushing me to the edge. I don’t know how to help him overcome this whatever the he*l it is. Snuggling him is making matters worse, crying it out isn’t working, etc, etc….I am at my wits end with this one – both the problem and my son – because all I want is one night of uninterrupted sleep! I just wish I KNEW what to do to help him.

So I guess what I am saying G.I.Joe  is…

Rescue me from the horrific feeling of helplessness that comes with being a mom.

Because right now, more than anything, I feel helpless. Truly and utterly helpless.

And all I want to do is scream. Scream scream scream until somehow I KNOW how I can help my kids feel better, how I can stop the madness so that I don’t lose it and yell at them unnecessarily. I hate not knowing what to do. I hate feeling so powerless in my ability to help someone I love so much. It makes me feel frustrated, so clueless,

so insecure in myself as a mom.

And this feeling of helplessness, of not knowing, isn’t unique to this week, to this situation. Every week (or is it day?!)  I feel like there is a new parenting challenge, a new question that I don’t have the answer to. This week it happens to be the stomach bug, next week it will be something different.

Does he or doesn’t he have a Peanut Allergy? Do we get a second opinion? How do we move forward?

Does he or doesn’t he need to have his eyes checked? Or does he just not want to learn the alphabet? Should I be doing something different?

Does he or doesn’t he need to have Occupational Therapy? Is it a problem? Or just a personality quirk?

I just DON’T KNOW.

Sure there are books, and doctors, and friends and family members to ask for advice but at the end of the day it is up to ME. I am the one living in the situation, experiencing it firsthand. I have the most knowledge even if it doesn’t feel like a lot sometimes. I am the one who needs to ultimately figure out what is best for my child and our family.

And all this not knowing and “learning on the job,” well quite frankly, it stresses me out. My head is constantly bombarded with questions about what should I be doing as a parent? Am I parenting right? Am I parenting well enough? How do I handle this situation? The attack on my brain, on my self-confidence in my ability to parent, can leave me feeling so stressed and so helpless (and sometimes hopeless) that I just want to scream half the time.

And as a matter of fact, last night round about 3:48 am, when the baby was crying (again), #1 was crying from a nightmare and #3 was crying because that is what he does now, I did scream. I went into the guest room and screamed “What the F…” louder than intended.  Because the pressure of all three kids needing me at once – and not knowing who to tend to first – was enough to make me explode.

Last night’s rant, even if in private, was too close for comfort. TOOOO close. It is so easy to slip into the rageful screaming mode when the pressure is on. When the kids are crying and you’ve tried everything and can’t stop them. When you are exhausted and know you can’t sleep because you are needed. When the kids are cantankerous and you’re on your own.  Last night, it took all the will power I could find to scream at the guest bed instead of at my kids. And it is a good thing I did…

Because my kids didn’t need to be yelled AT, they just needed ME.

And me, I just needed to yell OUT, to release.

I needed to rescue me, from myself. I needed to stop my rant from starting so that I could pull it together and give my kids what they needed at that moment:  to be held, to be rocked, to be snuggled, to be loved.

I might not know everything about being a mom, and it might feel like a huge uphill battle trying to figure it all out “on the job.” But at least there is one very important thing I do know now: that half the time, it’s my stress, my feeling helpless, and not my kids behavior, that makes me want to yell at them and “knowing (that) is half the battle” to winning this challenge.

20 days down, 345 to go!

Dear Day 20,
Wow, you sure know how to go out with a bang…and a splash! As if I hadn’t had a long enough day as is, you seemed to find it necessary to have my 2 ½ year old bang against his door incessantly for 20 minutes in protest of bedtime at the same time that my 6 month old “decided” to throw up at least 6 ounces of Nutramigen Formula on me. And when I say on me, I mean at my chest in the exact perfect location so that it could splash up into my mouth (which was ajar in disbelief as to what was happening) while simultaneously gush down into my shirt and then trickle down to rest in my belly button. I generally prefer to celebrate accomplishments, like making it through Day 20, with something bubbly, like champagne, not something that smells like regurgitated cat throw up. When we get to 200 days without yelling can we please celebrate in a little more dignified way? We have 180 days to plan something grand. Let’s get cracking…

Thanks,

The Orange Rhino

*

Wow. What a day, what a night. The day turned out better than I expected. But I had my moments where I thought I would lose it. Oh did I have my moments. Like this one:

Rotten milk anyone?

And this one.

You're kidding me, right?

Oh and this one.

Wow, these go around so much faster when covered in throw-up....

God knows who took the milk out of the fridge and how long it had been sitting there when I found it. And god knows why #3 thinks that my fridge is a jungle gym. And god knows why babies like to have explosive dirty diapers and throw up in the Exersaucer  – taking my third arm out of commission for the day so that I can clean no drain and sanitize it. I had a lot of those moments today. Moments where I just wanted to scream,
“What the ….?!” Lots of these moments added up to a very very long day.

But then there was the moment after my baby threw up where even though we both were dripping in vomit, he looked right at me, oblivious of the smell, and smiled. Or when I finally went into #3’s room after 30 minutes of hysterical cleaning (I had to clean up the nursery rug and shower or I was going to throw up too) and he said “Schnuggle mommy. Mommy schnuggle. Mommy head down. Pillow. Hug me” and then he reached over with his arm to pull me close to him.

Even though I had told myself tonight was the night, that I was done with #3’s new refusal  to put himself to sleep since I know he knows how, when I put him back into bed and his arm reached up, I couldn’t do it. He had me at “schnuggle.” And so I sat there and watched him fall asleep. And even though I told myself I wouldn’t rub his back or play with his hair, I would just sit there with no contact or talking…like my sleep book would tell me…I couldn’t do it. He just looked too sweet.

It’s amazing how at 2 ½ years old he can still look as sweet as the day he was born. It’s amazing how 1 minute earlier I was ready to scream at the top of my lungs “SHUT UP and go to sleep” and let Day 20 slip away. And how now 1 minute later, I don’t want the moment to end. I am really grateful I didn’t yell at this moment – because then not only would I have made #3 more hysterical and thus it would have taken me that much longer to get to my leftover Birthday cake, but also I would have been too worked up to appreciate watching him fall asleep (not to mention he would have fallen asleep feeling hurt and unloved. Certainly not the way I like to fall asleep…..)

I remember clearly saying to my mom when my oldest son was about 3 months that these were the longest, shortest days of my life. And that is what makes them the hardest. It’s not my lack of sleep or the kid’s behavior that makes the days hard, it’s that they are filled with such highs and such lows. The highs make the day short – because there just isn’t enough time in the day to stay in the moment. Like when my baby turns and reaches for me to be held or when #2 says “mommy, I love you for helping me take off all my clothes so I can poop without getting them dirty.” And the lows, like #1 and #2 fighting over legos at 5:40 in the morning, well the lows, can make the day feel like it’s going to eat me alive! Until of course a high comes along, and then all is well with the world of mommyhood.

Being a mom is like riding a horse on a merry go round. One minute I am ready to jump off and make a run for it (to the spa perhaps?!) and the next i just want to stay put and never get off. I never know how to feel, it’s mentally exhausting! Up and down, up and down, up and down. Somedays are filled with so much love and so much anger/frustration at the same time that I’m wiped out by noon!

And not only is being a mom tiring, but it’s infuriating. I want to enjoy each moment (well the good ones) but it is so hard because the bad, or rather challenging moments, suck the life right out of me leaving little left to enjoy the good moment that is coming up any minute on a good day, an hour or two on a bad day. And sometimes I am so zapped from the bad moments that I don’t even realize when a good moment is happening…and then passing…like this morning when I was *busy* being annoyed that #1, #2, and #3 were getting soap and water everywhere while washing their hands. I was too entrenched to realize something awesome was happening right in front of me. They were “washing off germs together”, without being asked to, so they could play with the baby but keep him healthy. Sigh. THANK GOD I was just annoyed at that moment today and didn’t yell at them for being so considerate. Then I really would have felt like an a*s.  Instead I only felt like a partial a*s for being annoyed in the first place. Making progress. Making progress.

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18 days down, 347 to go!

Dear Tom Cruise,

Here's to you Tom!

This post is dedicated to you Tom Cruise and a friend who helped me get this blog going who is in Labor right now! She sent me an email saying “I’ll be out of touch for a bit, I’m in labor.” I laughed because that is something I would do…did do…send work emails while being in Labor. I wrote back: “No worries. Good luck and remember NO YELLING! LOL” And so Tom, I thought of you and all the hub-bub around how Katie Holmes had to deliver Suri without making noise. I don’t know the details (and this isn’t a religious or political post!) I just remember something about silence and peace. Today, I get that. Not yelling for 18 days has brought peace to my house and to me. But dear friend in labor…in my book, having just been there and done that, now is no time to feel the need to be peaceful. The peace will come when that beautiful boy arrives. Until then, yell away!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

A Silent Birth. Yeah there was no way in h*ll that I could have delivered my 4^th son silently.  You see, the epidural had stopped working (as it always does for me) and I went from 4 cm to #4 in about 20 minutes, if that. Around 2:25 pm I asked the nurse to get the Anesthesiologist because I knew the drugs were wearing off – she came back 5 minutes later to say he was coming and I said, “Don’t bother, the baby is coming NOW!” She didn’t believe me since I had JUST been checked and was barely 4 cm. But she got the doctor anyway. Smart move.

The doctor came in (all smug like, lady, you ain’t delivering it’s not like you’ve done this three times and know your body or anything….) did the exam and then promptly said “Don’t move. The head is there. We’re not ready and he’s coming out on his own.”  See, I told you I was having this baby!!! Not only was he practically delivering himself fast and furiously, but he was coming out at an angle since he was still partially breeched. So it kind of hurt. You know, just a wee little bit. And I was kind of screaming just a wee little bit.

After three pushes, and a heck of a lot of swearing, #4 arrived and he was absolutely perfect. I just held him in my arms, tears of joy and amazement dripping down my face, and fell in love all over again for the 5^th time in my life. Holding my son for the first time in my arms is the most overwhelming, powerful feeling ever. Words won’t do it justice. The world stopped for that minute when I looked down and saw this precious being. My son. And all the nausea, sleepless nights, leg cramps, back aches, and labor pains disappeared. And even though this was my 4^th delivery, I still felt the power of the miracle that just happened take over my body as strongly as when my first son was born.

I felt his little fingers wrap around mine grasping for security after his abrupt arrival…I felt his head nuzzle up against my chest looking for comfort under the bright lights…I felt his eyes peering at me trying to find reassurance that it will be okay in his new world…and I? I felt at peace. All my yelling had stopped and I was at peace.

All the yelling has stopped and I felt at peace.

That amazingly enough describes what The Orange Rhino Challenge has done for me thus far.

All the yelling has stopped and I feel at peace.

Simply put, not yelling for 18 days has filled me, my home, my boys, with more peace. There is less hostility in everyone’s tones. There is less quarrelling between the boys (but let’s be real, there are still fights but they are shorted lived and fewer of them and the house is still  insanely chaotic and I still want to yell, I’m just not!) There is less anxiety in my mind over whether or not I am a good enough mom because I just feel like a better mom, a nicer mom. Whenever I used to yell, whether it was warranted or not, it just filled me with more frustration, more anger. It never made me feel better. The more I yelled, the more agitated person I became and that trickled down to how my kids perceived me and how they acted towards me and each other.

But now, in not yelling, I feel light. I feel free. I feel corny 🙂  But it is all true. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. There is a new sense of calm about me more often than not…. a feeling that I never knew I could achieve. And it feels fantastic. I don’t want to lose this feeling because not only do I feel like a better mom and a nicer mom, I feel like a happier mom. And that is a feeling I’ve been searching for much longer than I care to admit….

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