239 days without yelling, 126 days of loving more to go!

Dear Neighbor,

Thanks for making me laugh today! When you suggested that I must be a saint because I don’t yell at my 4 boys I almost crashed my hockey stick scratched up, rotten milk smelling, cheerio filled mini-van into my newly planted, and newly kicked and jumped on by said boys, mums. Trust me sweetheart, I might not yell anymore but I still ain’t a saint but oh, thanks for the chuckle! Here are just a FEW, emphasis on a few, of the parenting mistakes (or flaws depending on who you ask) that show I am not up for title of Saint.  P.S. I know I have worse and funnier offenders. But I have blocked them out of my mind for good reason.

My turn to try to make you laugh or smile,
The Orange Rhino

*

1)      I (accidentally) taught my kids the f-bomb at an early age. I still believe it is a powerful communicator and a great word BUT I shouldn’t have taught it to my almost 6 year old when he was 1. Because now he says “aw f***ing great” and “what the f**k?” And yes, he taught his brothers that word too.

2)      I let my kids go out in the winter without hats on and sometimes without jackets. This drives my mother-in-law absolutely nuts. Perhaps that is why I do it?

3)      Last Monday I forgot that I signed up for my son’s birthday party in school. 10 minutes before I was supposed to go in I remembered. 9 minutes before I raced to the supermarket and bought whatever they had. Mind you it was a Monday. And the bakery section had yet to be re-filled from the weekend.

4)      Sometimes I don’t realize my baby has a dirty diaper until my sons tell me. “Mommy don’t you know #4 has a dirty diaper? Aren’t you going to change it.” Sh*t, add that to the to-do list before getting out the door.

5)      For almost a solid year I served dinner out of the freezer. And no, I don’t mean frozen vegetables or frozen homemade meals. I mean frozen pre-made meals by manufacturers. GASP!

6)      I let my kids eat food off the floor. Yes, I apply the 5 second rule to restaurants too. Yes, I know I just eerked a bunch of you out.

7)      I ignored a teacher’s suggestion for two years that my son needed OT. Both he and I could have avoided a lot of painful moments if I hadn’t been so headstrong.

8)      One Halloween I made my boys then 1, 2ish and 4 wear what I picked despite their complaints. All because I wanted my then 1 year old to wear the exact costume his brothers had and I needed a theme to go with it. That and well Wizard of Oz with mom as Dorothy was too cute.

9)      I did my son’s puzzle tonight, without him asking. I know I need to encourage his puzzle skills but his new interest has re-kindled my own interest and I couldn’t put the pieces down.

10)   I say “just a minute, just a minute” a lot. Not because I am busy but because well, sometimes I just don’t want to play another game of Monopoly or have my “boo boo’s” looked at by my in-house doctors.

11)   I most definitely let my kids watch too much T.V. Yes, Disney is often my babysitter when mama needs a break. Even if our TV allotment for the day has been reached.

12)   I make big (and silly) proclamations and threats. And then don’t follow through. If you don’t get out the door in 2 minutes I’m gonna go without you. Oooh, this is so wrong. I would never ever do that!

13)   I let my kids sit and read gossip magazines instead of reading to them. Reading is actually really hard for me so I try to do the bare minimum. Not good. I know. But US Weekly can teach a lot, right?

#3 one year ago in the waiting room for Speech Therapy.

14)   I don’t wear make-up or stylish clothes (or even clean clothes) and look all presentable and pretty. In fact, I don’t know how to apply makeup. I wore eye liner for the first time when I had my wedding make up trial done. At age 23.

15)   I don’t get down and play with my kids on the floor a lot. Yes, I do do it. I do unplug and unwind and focus on them but definitely not as much as I dream of.

16)   I might not yell, but on occasion I still shame my kids. I just do it in a really passive aggressively quiet voice. It doesn’t break my rules but I still need to work on it.

17)   I might not yell, but I still am a snap-happy person. Sometimes so much that I think I should have made this blog the “snapping green turtle” blog.

18)   I make my kids take boat loads of family pictures even though I know they hate it. Even if they are whining and moaning and groaning about how miserable they are, I still force them to sit still and smile. Yeah, this approach always works and makes great pictures. As if.

19)   I call to my kids from across the room to do something knowing that it won’t work. Then again sometimes going across the room doesn’t work either!

20)   I handed peanut butter crackers to my son who is allergic to peanut butter. I’d like to say it was to test him. But it wasn’t. I forgot which kid I was making a snack for.

Ahhh, I ain’t perfect. And I am perfectly okay with that (on most days). Because I am a work in progress. Aren’t we all?

236 days without yelling, 129 days of loving more to go!

Dear Mattress Company,

When I bought my bed you promised me that the plush top and the number of coils would guarantee that I always woke up on the right side of the bed but that just in case I didn’t I should buy your special warrantee against waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Um, what about the warrantee to protect me from waking up on the b*tchy side of the bed??! Could have really used it today. BIG TIME. Please strongly consider such a warrantee for future bed purchasers.

Sincerely,
The Orange Rhino

*

Oh wow did I ever wake up on the b*tchy side of the bed today. Not the cranky side, not the wrong side, but the wicked b*tchy side. I woke up groggy from one measly glass of red wine that left me with a headache. Ugh. Alcohol is so not my friend. I woke up exhausted from the kids’ not-sleeping-charades last night. Ugh. Nightmares are not my friend either. I woke up frustrated about a project I am working on. Ugh. Expectations can be friendly and mean. I woke up angry that I overslept because I stayed up too late. Ugh. The long to-do list is not my friend either right now. And by the way, neither is my monthly friend. Double UGH. She brings out the worst in me! Put this ALL together and I woke up one heck of a B*TCH this morning!

And when I feel that way, watch out kiddos. The slightest wrong move and I will blow. I will SCREAM at you for nothing. I will scream at you for trying to make the bed…because you’ll make it wrong and that will bother me. I will scream at you for being naked 10 minutes after I asked you to get dressed. I will scream at you for waking up your baby brother. I will scream at you for pushing your older brother. I will scream at you for asking me too many questions. I will scream at you for looking at me the wrong way.

The problem with this set-up? As you all know, I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t yell at my kids anymore. So this morning, instead of yelling, I spent almost three hours being snappy and b*tchy. I didn’t have to hear my voice to know I was being b*tchy and unpleasant to be around. I just had to listen to the constant complaints of my three boys: “when is daddy gonna be home?” and “when is it the weekend so daddy will be home in the morning?” and “I want daddy not you.”

Yep. It was a really beautiful 3 hours of quality family time.

And yep, come this morning at 8:53, as we headed out the door LATE to school and #2 was dragging his feet I was PRIMED and READY to be the most absolute b*tch possible.

Which meant one thing. I had to get my sh*t together fast!

Darnit, I had to actually intercept my negative thinking and choose to be nice. I had to choose to stop being b*tchy because I was on a one way path towards screamdom. And I don’t want to go there. Been there, done that, it ain’t pretty.

So I started doing what I have taught myself to do.

Talk myself down off the b*tchy ledge.

“Orange Rhino, get it together. It’s okay to be 30 seconds late.”

“Orange Rhino, if you keep up this cranky mood your whole day is going to stink. What a waste of a day.”

“Orange Rhino, look at those cute faces. Do you really want to yell at them?”

“Orange Rhino, your kids are being kids, they haven’t done anything wrong. You control YOUR behavior. YOU CAN DO THIS.”

(Yep, I know. I sound totally corny. That is what The Orange Rhino Challenge has done to me.)

I had to give myself quite the pep talk to shake the mood. Because when I wake on the b*tchy side of the bed, my b*tchy mood wakes up and oh she is fierce and persuasive and completely intent on staying and partying a long while. It is HARD for me to put her back to bed. Really, really, really hard. I have an awful tendency of letting a bad mood grow into a disastrous everything sucks and bothers me mood all within a day. AND I have a tendency to let that mood hang for days. Which P.S. makes it beyond difficult to not yell at my kids.

I always feel like a fool after I talk to myself. I feel so hokey and cheesy and all sorts of weird.

BUT IT WORKS. It works people. I no longer feel like a B*tch! I still feel bloated and overwhelmed  J but not like a b*tch. I’ll take the improvement. Because now this day stands a chance.

So go ahead, talk to yourself out of yelling today. Intercept your negative thoughts that you can’t not yell and tell yourself that you can. But don’t just do it for the obvious benefit of not yelling, do it for me so that I don’t feel so silly doing it!   

221 days with yelling, 144 days of loving more to go!

Dear PEOPLE magazine.com,

Oh how I love you! You are such a fabulous source of gossip and such a fabulous distraction from the craziness that is my life. And last week you were a fabulous inspiration for a blog post. Added bonus. Thank you!

The Orange Rhino

*

I read an article last week http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20629293,00.html about celebrity trainers and weight loss. I was curious, what IS the secret to looking so gosh darn good? I mean really, who doesn’t want to know? (Personal chefs and daily personal trainers ASIDE!) I sure as heck do! As I read the article I nodded along, yeah, blah blah blah, nothing new, blah blah blah, as if, blah blah blah, WAIT that is an interesting point. Roughly speaking the point, as I interpreted it was:

My clients are motivated to lose weight. That’s not the problem. The problem is that they can’t lose weight because they have an Excuse. They know what to do, they know what they want to do, yet they can’t bridge the two. Something is stopping them. The KEY to losing weight for those clients is understanding why they can’t build the bridge and helping them to build the bridge.

Building a bridge is necessary…but not only does it take a lot of time and patience, but it is also scary!

Wow. SO TRUE.

And it made me think.

Why did I not stop yelling earlier?

Why couldn’t I build the bridge I needed too to change my behavior?

I knew I wanted to. I knew what to do. And yet I kept on yelling.

I knew it was “as simple as” choosing not to do it. Choosing to work at it. Choosing to make it a priority. And yet for probably three years as my children became more difficult and I added more children to the house and therefore more stress, I kept on yelling.

I NEVER thought I would be a yeller. NEVER. I had witnessed my uncle yell and ridicule his son and it made my stomach curl. I witnessed my cousins cower under his voice, I witnessed them stop respecting him, stop loving him and it made my heart ache. I would never yell like he did I vowed to myself at the age of 13 ish.

As I grew up I witnessed parents yelling at their kids at the park, the grocery store, everywhere. I witnessed the kids crying and not responding.

I would NEVER be that parent I vowed to myself at the age of 20 ish.

I grew up more and witnessed friends have kids and doing an amazing job, handling tough situations with patience and love and I vowed to myself at the age of 30 ish that I WOULD be that parent.

And yet here I was. In my early 30’s.

Not being the parent I wanted, but being the parent I vowed I would never be.

So I sit here, after reading that People magazine article and I wonder…what was my excuse? Why couldn’t I build the bridge from wanting to not yell to actually not yelling? Why did I allow myself to become the parent I NEVER ever ever wanted to be?

Or better stated, what were my EXCUSES? Because it wasn’t one. It was many.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT… I can’t stop yelling because I don’t know how else to parent, I don’t know how to get them to listen to me, I don’t know how to get them to stop their behavior without screaming.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT… I can’t stop yelling because I am too embarrassed of the type of parent that I have become to tell anyone, I am too embarrassed to ask for help, to find support.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT … I can’t stop yelling because in my mind I keep telling myself, it’s okay, I will just magically get it together one of these days, I will just magically find the patience I seek, that I dream of and besides it isn’t THAT bad, I don’t yell THAT much.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT … I can’t stop yelling because I am too tired right now and I don’t have the energy or the patience to even try.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT … I can’t stop yelling because having young kids is stressful and they get to me and besides, this is just a phase, they will grow up and it will be easier, THEN I won’t yell.

What a bunch of excellent excuses I had…still have. Because there are days when I don’t feel like holding it together, when I just feel like SCREAMING and these excuses sneak back into my mind almost encouraging me to scream, giving me permission to scream. That is the thing about excuses – really “good” ones are really easy to be persuaded by.  Especially the “it’s not so bad” one.

So I sit here and read this list of really “good excuses” and wonder…how did I build the bridge from yelling to not yelling 219 days ago? How did I start building the bridge especially since I have a HUGE fear of bridges, a huge fear of failing, I mean falling? And how do I keep that bridge in tact so that I don’t slip into bad habits?

Read my “solutions” HERE: Excuses Begone! In the meanwhile, do any of these excuses look familiar? What are your excuses?

211 days of not yelling, 154 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhino,

Um, I am failing to see the connection between not yelling and your post yesterday (read here) about your first three days of Kindergarten? You talk about feeling left behind and not wanting to let go but how the heck does that tie to the Challenge? Just curious.

Sincerely,
Yourself

*

Every once and a while I have a deep profound thought about how The Orange Rhino Challenge has positively impacted my life in a way I never expected. Tonight’s post about my son’s first day of Kindergarten attempts to express one of those thoughts.

As I watched my son walk away with someone else holding his hand, as I watched him leave me behind at the car to start a new part of his life, a new part where I couldn’t easily be a part of it like I could in pre-school, so many intense and conflicting emotions hit me at once that I truly hurt all over. I didn’t know what to feel, what to think, what to do but, well cry.

I was so overwhelmed with love and pride, oh how I love you sweet boy!

But also so overwhelmed with sadness, oh don’t leave me!

And so overwhelmed with disappointment, oh I didn’t cherish these young years enough!

The love and the sadness faded so quickly as the disappointment rolled in and took over my mind. Disappointment that my summer days filled with freedom to have strawberry daiquiris at our “beach” in the sandbox were over. Disappointment that my time with my son was going to start changing soon, that he was going to want to play with friends more and me less. That he was going to be with teachers more and me less. But the biggest disappointment, the one that hit me like a Mac truck? The disappointment in myself.

The disappointment that I had all summer and the 6 years prior to totally enjoy my son’s presence, to not have to really share him, and yet, I didn’t take advantage of that precious time, at least not to the extent I ever dreamed of or hoped for when I envisioned myself as a mom. Nope, much too much instead of appreciating him and appreciating OUR time together, I so often complained about him, about our time together.

Complaining that he doesn’t sleep well. Complaining that he is a picky eater. Complaining that his tantrums are unbearable. Complaining about this behavior or that behavior.

Complaining and yelling instead of loving.

Yes, in these last 6 years I have loved my son and I have enjoyed his presence but I am going to be honest. I could have enjoyed it more. I try not to regret decisions in my life, but right now there is a huge pang in my heart that I “slightly” regret not taking advantage of these last 6 years more. These early years were free of classes, teachers, homework, team practices and full of desire to be with me. Me. Me. Me. The days were full of opportunity to bond and now the days will be less full of opportunity to be with Me. Me. Me.

So yes, right now I wish that I had done my “to-do list” less, cleaned the house less, said go entertain yourself less, YELLED LESS and instead PLAYED MORE, LAUGHED MORE, SHARED MORE and LOVED my son more.

I know it is hard to enjoy every moment as a mom. Oh how I know!  I have 4 beautiful reminders that take turns showing me how hard motherhood is and inspire me to not want to play with them at numerous moments throughout the day due to their lovely antics. And oh how those antics make it hard to stay in the present and not dwell on the crap that comes with motherhood.

But today, today, oh how I wished I tried harder to complain less and enjoy more. Because then today as I dropped my son off at Kindergarten I wouldn’t be thinking “darnit, there he goes. These precious young, fleeting years are really starting to go behind me and I didn’t enjoy them enough because I was too busy complaining.”

Enter The Orange Rhino Challenge.

I am so grateful for it.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is forcing me to be more positive about my children because getting caught up in the crap well, makes me feel crappy and makes me yell. And when I am positive about them, get this, I feel more love and enjoy my time with them more.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is forcing me to be more present with my children because when I don’t, when I get caught up in my daily crap instead of caught up with them, I get snippy with them for “interrupting” me and get close to yelling. And when I am more present with them, get this, I have more fun with them and enjoy my time with them more.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is forcing me to be more patient and understanding with my children during massive meltdowns because when I am not, well, then I have to employ just about every of my 100 alternatives to yelling! And when I am more patient with them, get this, not only do I appreciate their struggles more but I also cherish the moment, and them, more.

Not yelling is helping ME take advantage of my time with my babies. It is helping me to enjoy their presence more. It is helping me to feel less regrets about the time I spend with them. Looking back, I might feel I have missed a lot of the last 6 years but at least this Challenge has helped me appreciate the last 211 days more. And I’ll take that. It’s a start. And I really hope it continues.

When I started this challenge in February I posted a question to people about how to be more present stating that I want to be more present with my kids, that I want to enjoy time my time with my kids more. People suggested several books. I haven’t read them yet, I haven’t had time.

Turns out I didn’t need them. I figured out one solution on my own. Not yelling.

211 days without yelling, 154 days of loving more to go!

Dear the only orange box in the classroom,

I can’t believe of all the places to be in my son’s Kindergarten classroom you are directly above his name on his cubby. He knows orange is my new favorite color and every time he sees orange he thinks of me. So thank you for being there, in my place, today and everyday the rest of the year.I know you are just a box but to my son, when he is missing me, you will be a great reminder to him that I love him and will be picking him up soon.

xoxo,
Mommy Orange Rhino

*

I have started kindergarten three times now. And each time has had the same result: tears from being left behind.

My first day was September 1981. I was 3. My older brother was 5. It was his first day really, but it was my first day without my best friend home with me. I distinctly remember leaving him and bursting into tears as I walked back up the driveway with just my mom. By the time she entered the house I was a full on mess. My face was hot and sticky, my dress was covered in slobber and I had already thrown myself in a heap on the ground at least twice. My mom had tried to soothe me but there are only so many words that can make one feel better when their best friend leaves them behind. So she went inside and lovingly told me she was there when I was ready to come in. Alone. Finally, I gave in. I opened the metal screen door with my trembling arms and took one step then another step in. But I was too weak and too upset to open the door wide enough to guarantee that the spring on the door wouldn’t slam shut on me as I stepped inside.

OUCH!!!! More tears commenced as the metal door nailed the back of my foot, ripping off all the skin. Blood oozed out faster than my tears.

I was a mess. Inside and out.

My second first day of Kindergarten was September 1983. I was 5 and a half. This was my OFFICIAL first day of Kindergarten. I don’t remember much except for walking in with my mom and standing at the big door to the classroom and refusing to go in. I hid behind my mother as the big booming and intimidating voice of my teacher told me rather briskly and without any intonation of love “Orange Rhino, it is time to let go of your mother’s hand and be a big girl now.”

OUCH!!! More tears commenced as she took my hand and led me away leaving my mom at the door.

I was a mess. Inside and out.

And then I heard the sweetest voice ever. It was that of a 1^st grader named Kathryn. She was sitting at circle time with a big purple pillow that was as cozy looking as she clearly felt.

“Orange Rhino, why don’t you come sit next to me? I’ll share my pillow with you.”

To this DAY I can still tell you exactly what that pillow looked like and exactly how Kathryn looked and sounded. Isn’t it amazing how one kind gesture can stay with you a lifetime?

And my third first day of Kindergarten was, well today. September 6, 2012. I am 34 and a half. My son is almost 6. It is his first official day of Kindergarten, my first official day as a mom of a Kindergartener. He’s been dreading this day since the last day of pre-school. I’ve been dreading it since the day he was born I think. Because I know what first days of Kindergarten contain: tears and being left behind.

And that is what I dreaded today.

Being left behind.

By one of my best companions, my oldest son.

For all the complaining I do about how long the days are, how hard they are, how hard he can be, he is the greatest little companion a mom could ask for. He asks great questions, makes heartfelt proclamations, laughs in a way that eases all pain, and shares so many of my interests. And oh how I didn’t want him to start the journey of “real school” where he spends more time in school than he does with me. Oh how I didn’t want to accept that it was the beginning of letting go. The beginning of him being more confident in himself, the beginning of him loving me still, but needing me a little less. It is a great beginning for him, I know, but still a hard one to grasp.

So no, I didn’t want him to go to Kindergarten today. I wanted to hold on to this summer forever. I wanted to keep him young and home forever. And yet I knew I couldn’t. I knew I had to let go, I had to let him grow without me. And so I drove him to Kindergarten against my will. I put on a brave face so he didn’t sense that I was sad that we were being separated. I put on a smile so he was excited and not nervous. I assured him I would see him soon so he knew that I will ALWAYS LOVE HIM and will ALWAYS be there for him even as he grows and becomes more independent.

We pulled up to the front door and the teacher opened the door. He got out more gracefully than I ever expected, waved good bye, said “I love you mommy” and then BAM. The door slammed shut as harshly as it did thirty-one years ago.

OUCH!!! The tears finally commenced.  OH did they commence. I bawled like I did on my first day of Kindergarten in 1981. And in 1983.

I was a mess inside and out.

I bawled because I was left behind, again.
I bawled because I was so proud of him for finding the courage to do something he was afraid of.
I bawled because he showed confidence that he didn’t have a year ago.
I bawled because it was beyond clear that my first baby was growing up.
I bawled because I had to let go.

I bawled because I love him so.

Wondering what this has to do with Yelling? Lots. Have a read tomorrow night! 

207 days without yelling, 158 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I am at my breaking point! My baby is teething and hasn’t stopped fussing since 630. My 3 year old hasn’t stopped whining since the same time. My insomniac 4 year old has been up since 4 am and is bouncing between the walls when excited and the floor when exhausted.  And my 6 year old is so anxious about Kindergarten that he is going between bawling and asking the same questions over and over about Kindergarten. Everyone needs me and I am having a hard time keeping it together! Does anyone have any strength or patience to spare? If so, please send it to me!

Many thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*

Quite frankly, sometimes, four kids is too much to handle. And it gets to me. Like really gets to me. And I find myself ready to scream because I just can’t handle the intensity of four needy children at once. Especially when I have my own crap going on. Like not sleeping well either because I too am nervous, and sad, as in wicked nervous and wicked sad, that Kindergarten is starting. Like feeling anxious about some health issues going on in my family. Like feeling worried about some adult challenges and changes facing me right now.

Yeah, I kind of have a lot on my mind trying to keep it together amidst 4 crying/screaming/emotional kiddos wears on me. I just want to scream ENOUGH! Enough of the bad news. Enough of the change. Enough of the worrying. Enough of not feeling I am a good enough mom, a good enough person, a good enough friend. Enough of the CHAOS, mental and literal!!! I just need some peace and quiet.

This morning if I didn’t get some peace and quiet, I was gonna lose it. And I mean full on, full throttle, out right, bloody lose it. I was going to go absolutely bat shit at my four kids. And I didn’t want to go there because I knew it wouldn’t be just a yell. It would be a raging scream where my face turns bright red. It would be the release of all the crazy pent up emotion I am feeling and it would be the size of the angst I am feeling. Nope, I definitely did NOT want to unleash that on my kids.

How did I know it was going to be that big? I felt my heart racing. My palms were sweating and the cold water wasn’t cooling me down. I was snapping left and right at silly things. I just felt like I was going to burst. Truly.

So I did what I could do. I put the baby to nap a few minutes early and I sent the other three boys to the basement to play without supervision. I knew this was a risk. A gigantic one. I knew it meant tears would ensue and that every toy bin would be turned upside down and it would look like a war zone but I determined that was a better option than mommy losing it.

And then I went to my computer. And I wrote to you all. And I immediately, and I mean IMMEDIATELY, felt the angst slowly release. Why is that? How does that work? Truly I think just going to my Orange Rhino Facebook Page reminded me of my commitment  to love my kids more, it reminded that I can do it. That I WANT to not yell. I pressed “Post” and perspective found me.

I needed to find love with my kids. I wasn’t angry at them or with them. I was just overwhelmed with emotion and I was keeping it inside, again. I was playing this little silly game of “let’s see how long I can pretend nothing is on my mind, let’s see how long I can be in denial of some big things on my mind, let’s see how long I can put on a show that I am all pulled together but really I am unraveling second by second before I explode.”

Yeah, totally stupid game. I NEVER WIN.

At that moment, all I needed was a hug. Just some reassurance that it will all be okay, that I will get through this overwhelming moment in my life. And I knew just the place to find it.

I headed downstairs to the warzone.

“What’s supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? And why do you need a hug? We’re busy!”

“Never mind super blah blah blah. Bad choice of words. I am cranky and need to snap out of it, how is that for an answer?”

“Oh, okay.”

I kick some legos to the left, some blocks to the right, some costumes towards the wall and some balls behind me to make room on the basement floor and plop a squat almost as ungracefully as I handled the morning.

#2 ran towards me and squeezed me hard. The tension started to fade. Then #3 snuggled into my lap and being the little Casanova that he is, he put his hand on my face and gave me a kiss on the lips. And last but not the least #1 ran over and jumped on me from behind, wrapping both his legs and his arms around me, squeezing my tension out and making sure it was gone by saying “We love you mommy.”

And I felt better. Not 100% but better. And then you all posted words of encouragement every few hours and I felt even better. And I made it through the day.

Thank you…

200 days of not yelling, 165 days of loving more to go!
(So this was written days ago but my computer wasn’t feeling the love until now….)

Dear Orange Rhinos,

200 days.

2.0.0. days. Wow. That’s a lot of days not yelling. A lot of moments not yelling. I should have started off the day ecstatic, jumping for joy. But to be honest, I started the day pretty bleh about the potential achievement.

Until I saw this.

“(name) Mom Love.” An Orange Rhino. For me. Just for me. I might not make it to 365 days but I will ALWAYS know that my almost 6 year old son believed in me. And that we shared this moment. And that makes this Challenge worth it.

And this.

My 4 years old’s own Orange Rhino sign (he traced the one I made for him to hold up when I got cranky). See below.

And finally, this.

My Orange breakfast to “make you smile mommy.” Carrots, gold fish and Vitamin Water I keep in case I want to yell.

Really? My boys did this all on their own without daddy’s help? I was flabbergasted. For everything I feel I am doing wrong as a mom, for one MOMENT, three really, I realized, holy sh*t, I am actually doing something right. In taking on this challenge, I am teaching my kids to support someone going after a goal, a dream. I am teaching my kids to be MORE LOVING.

Oh wait, there is more.

This conversation summed the morning up:

“Mommy, what’s wrong?”

“Well #1 I called the local radio statio today to tell them about 200 days and The Orange Rhino Challenge Day. You see, someone did that on Day 100 and it made me really happy so I thought today I would try to do the same.”

“Did you get on the radio?”

“Kind of. I talked to the DJ but didn’t get on the radio.”

“Oh, you didn’t win the contest?” (He thinks everyone who calls the radio is trying to win a contest.)

“No, I didn’t win.”

SILENCE. I can see the gears turning.

“But mommy, didn’t you already WIN because of The Orange Rhino gifts we gave you. Right?”

Oh. My. God. YES! Yes, yes, yes my sweet son! Why did it take my 6 year old to put things in perspective for me? Why did it take him to teach me to be grateful for what I do have instead of being sad for what I didn’t get? Because kids are pretty darn amazing, that’s why.

My son is totally right.

I already have won.

Because we had THAT Moment.  A moment that will be a memory of mine forever. That I will cherish forever. That I will tell my grandchildren some day when I am talking to them about their daddy.

And that moment happened all because I didn’t yell “GOSH DARNIT YOU KNOW YOU DON’T GO DOWNSTAIRS WITHOUT ME!!!” when I heard #1, #2, and #3 running downstairs early this morning before they had a chance to tell me “we’re doing something special for you.”

All because I didn’t yell “OH MY GOSH STOP!” when I heard things falling out of the fridge while I was changing a diaper because I knew in their heart of hearts they were just trying to do something nice.

All because I didn’t yell “WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING? CLEAN UP THAT MESS!” when I saw the entire cupboard of plates being emptied in search of just the orange plates because I knew it would crush their hearts.

All because I didn’t yell I received those beautiful gifts from my boys, I received that moment, that precious memory.

And that is what The Orange Rhino Challenge is about. It’s about LOVING MORE so I can have MORE LOVING MOMENTS.  Sure, when I look back at the end of my 365 days I am going to be proud that I went 365 days without yelling but what I am going to remember and truly cherish are moments like today. Moments where I let my relationships with my sons became that much more special because I didn’t yell.  

So if you are taking the challenge and feeling defeated because you can’t go a day or longer or meet a goal you have set for yourself, think about at least ONE loving moment you have had because you didn’t yell. Cherish that one moment, that memory that you will have forever. I KNOW you all have at least one moment where you Loved More and Yelled Less. Be grateful for that moment because no one can take it away. And be excited for the future when you will have MORE of those Loving Moments because they will come.  They will come. They will come.

I have had a lot more Loving Moments these last 200 days and for that I am grateful. In fact, because my life has been filled with more love and less anger, I am finding myself not only a happier person but also one who wants to give more to others .

So in honor of The 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day, despite my pledge to donate only if 200 people participated, I am STILL going to donate $200.00 to Habitat for Humanity. I want to create a happy moment for someone else, just as my son did for me this morning and just as you all do for me whenever you read something I write and indirectly support me in my promise to my kids. This Challenge has given me so much – you all have given me so much – it is only right to give back somehow.

Thanks for reading,
The Orange Rhino

199 days without yelling, 166 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I said it before and I’ll say it again. I am NOT an expert on how not to yell. I am not a therapist. I don’t have a background in childhood behavior. And I don’t read books and books on end telling me how not to yell. Nope, I have no credentials whatsoever on this topic. No extra letters next to my name, well except for M.O.M.M.Y. Mom On (a) Mission to Master (not) Yelling! On the eve of the 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day I thought I would share with you the top 50 things embarrassing, emotional, and well, outright obvious things I have done lately to “master” not yelling. Have a laugh with me, or at me, and maybe even be inspired to try not to yell too! Enjoy!  

Fun Alternatives (Added bonus: you all end up laughing and new, better behavior is obtained!):
1)   Play hide ‘n seek. You hide. They seek (a fun game can snap anyone out of it)
2)   Put funny glasses on and “look” through their eyes  (they laugh, you find empathy )
3)   Give a High Five (The “slap” and touch of their hands slaps you out of desire to yell)
4)   Try to do a somersault (makes you laugh and maybe even pee your pants. Nope. I have never had that problem after delivering 4 kids.)
5)   Speak in a Robot voice (makes kids stop and look at you and wonder, who is she?!)
6)   Start Playing with the kids or do what they are doing (makes you CHILL OUT and realize they are JUST kids and maybe they are on to something?)

If you can’t beat them…join them! So they took the watermelon out without asking. So they starting eating it like pigs. Guess what? Watermelon was just what a needed that hot afternoon!

7)   Grab children and hug them (it just feels good all over for everyone!)
8)   Start doing “crab walks” (entertaining and exercise releases good chemicals or something like that!)
9)   Start coloring (calming and fun and wicked huge bonus: inspires kids to join you instead of punching each other
10)  Bang a pot or pan (releases anger and gets kids involved in new activity)
11)  Start running in place (adrenaline boost for you and kids who follow suit!)
12)  Run over and tickle child you want to yell at (laughter does the body good)
13)  Drop to the floor and pretend you are hurt (rest does wonders and makes kids come “attack you” I mean check you out with doctor’s kit.)
14)  Go read 50 Shades of Grey (did I just write that?! Next subject. Blush. Blush.)
15)  Whistle. Loudly. (helps you focus on breathing)
16)  Hum. Even louder than whistle (really annoys kids and gets them to change from yelling to telling you to stop!)

Yummy Alternatives:
17) Keep orange snacks in purse (chewing something is way better than yelling)

Purse basics: Wallet, Phone, Wipes, Notebook for coloring AND orange snacks to chew so I don’t yell!

Gum and Tic Tacs. Added bonus to gum? The sound of chewing blocks out kids yelling…

18)  Pop some orange M&M’s into mouth (chocolate is a great mood changer)!
19)  Eat frozen grapes and pretend kids are sleeping and the grapes are wine (okay, it’s a stretch but reaching into freezer snapped me out of my moods!)
20)  Eat a carrot or an apple (fabulous way to crunch out stress and orange carrots great reminder of commitment not to yell!)

“Only if it is Safe to do so” Alternatives (which in my house is hardly ever):
21)  Sit down and “watch” the circus to gain perspective and to laugh (wait is my house the only one like a circus?)
22)  Put ear buds in and zone out to music for a minute (gain perspective, relax)
23)  Close your eyes and put your head in hands in disbelief. Nope I have NEVER done this either. As if. (another chance to pull it together quietly and to laugh at yourself!)
24)  Open a window or two or three and breathe in fresh air (kids laugh, is she a dog?!)
25)  Close eyes and picture yourself on a beach, a really really really quiet beach where no one asks you to do something. Oh, and picture a daiquiri in hand and imagine waking up at 10. Or 11. Snap out of it Orange Rhino! You need to keep writing. Darnit…I was really happy in my happy place…

“Stress Relief” Alternatives (in other words, pretend you are at a spa):
26)  Splash cold water on your face (snaps you right out of bad mood)
27)  Put a warm wash cloth on your neck (ah…relaxation)
28)  Light a candle, ideally an orange or pretty smelling one (gets kids attention…what are you doing? and relaxes your mood)

Notice my candle is by the sink filled with dishes? Yup my candle normally gets lit at meal time….

29)  Use aromatherapy lotion on hands instead of slamming a door in frustration (massage and smell are relaxing)
30)  Drink a glass of water. Resist the urge to throw it if annoying behavior is still going on! (cools you down and forces you to take a breath. Or two. )
31)  Think how things could be worse (gain perspective. yes he’s on the table, but at least he isn’t swinging from the chandelier. Yet.)
32)  Grab play-doh and squeeze really, really hard (don’t forget to share it when kids want it back!)
33)  Go through yelling motions but don’t let voice out (shocks kids and yourself that you didn’t do it, releases endorphins from pride!)

“You’ll think I am cheesy” Alternatives:
34)  Say out loud “Serenity Now.”
35)  Say out loud “They are just kids and I love them.”
36)  Say out loud “I want to love my kids more, not less.”
37)  Call a family council meeting and have everyone sit criss- cross applesauce, decide on a new activity together. (forces kids to stop and think and therefore BE quiet, like in school.)
38)  Look at TV and pretend there is a hidden camera. (fear of judgment will shove the yell right back down your throat…)
39)  Smile (rumor has it if you fake it, you’ll feel it?! it’s worked wonders over here.)
40)  Cry. Yup cry. Show your kids you are frustrated. (brings out empathy from kiddos)
41)  Say positive thoughts out loud (forces you to see good and therefore to be kind)
42)  Pull out family photo album (takes everyone to a happy, smiley place)
43)  Tell your kids how you feel (gets concern and teaches them to express feelings!)

“I don’t know how to categorize” Alternatives:
44)  Put a finger over mouth in shhh position (creates physical barrier to yelling)
45)  Ring a bell like pre-school teachers (casts a magical spell on kids)
46)  Look at this cheat sheet! (gives you ideas or makes you laugh?!)
47)  If help is around, tag out. (gives you a well-deserved break!)

Preventive Alternatives (surround yourself with reminders that you don’t want to yell):
48) Paint your nails orange (reminds you every morning to be warm and composed and yes, I am this committed to this Challenge that I did this. What can I say, it was a hard week!)

I need all the reminders I can get!!!

49)  Dress your kids in orange (a totally in your face reminder, great at big, busy, stressful public places)

50)  Post pictures you love of kids in problem areas (forces you to fall in love all over again)

Kids out of bed…again? Put a picture of them as a sweet baby on the door. It’s hard to yell when you see an innocent picture of them!

 
51)  Drink from an Orange Straw (simply reminds you of the color orange, feelings of warmth!)

52) Log on to www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino when you feel the “yell” bubble rising (releases tension by typing, so long as you don’t break keyboard, and helps you find support).

So there you have it. 50 new things I have done in addition to the other 50 I did in the first 100 days (read here). It hasn’t been easy. WHOA NO it hasn’t been. But it’s been worth all the hard work and patience and creativity because my kids are worth it. They deserve me to try my best to treat them with more love and less yelling!

I hope you got a good laugh and are inspired to join me tomorrow for just one day of not yelling. Join me in the 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge day on Wednesday August 29^th!

For more details on The Orange Rhino Challenge click here. For more details on what The Orange Rhino is click here. For how to participate in the Challenge tomorrow and help contribute to Habitat for Humanity…click here or read below!

***

How to Participate in The 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day on WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2012

1) Get 3-5 friends to take this ONE DAY challenge with you by sharing this blog post and making a pact to do it together. 

2) “Post” your name to show your participation and so people beyond your friends can support you! On the morning of August 29^th check in one of four ways:
– Post at The Orange Rhino Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino)
– Comment on Thursday mornings Blog Post at www.TheOrangeRhino.com
– Email me at theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com
– Tweet me at ORchallenge.

At the end of the day, Post AGAIN to say how the day went. For every participant I will donate $1.00 to Habitat for Humanity up to $200. Read here for explanation!

3) Increase your Support Network by Changing your FB Profile picture to The Orange Rhino Challenge

4) Find Support and Give Support all day by logging on to your method of communication. 

5) Read some of these posts to inspire you to succeed and to give you ideas on how to!

https://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/ (definition of yelling per this challenge)
https://theorangerhino.com/why-i-yelled-at-my-kids/ (big inspiration to try)
https://theorangerhino.com/50-alternatives-to-yelling-at-your-kids/ (ideas on how not to yell)
https://theorangerhino.com/orange-rhino-mommy/ (my favorite source of help not yelling) https://theorangerhino.com/you-never-know/ (inspirationto try)
https://theorangerhino.com/why-the-big-tears/ (way not to yell, inspiration)
***Check back in tomorrow night for a new 50 alternatives to yelling!
It’s that simple. Take a chance. You might just surprise yourself. I know I did!

“You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

GOOD LUCK!

MARK your calendars!
TELL your friends!
FACEBOOK it!
BLOG it!
TWEET it!
PIN it!

Whatever you do just SHARE (this post) with your friends, your family, your co-workers, and maybe even the barista at Starbucks and the clerk in the grocery store that this

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2012 is the 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day!
A day where we all try to go without yelling at our kids!
A day where we all love our kids more!
A day where I will donate $1.00* per person who participates to Habitat for Humanity (*details below)

Think it can’t be done? Think you can’t go a day? You CAN DO IT. I never, in a thousand worlds thought I could go a day. Or 10. Or 100. Or even 200. But here I am two days away from celebrating 200 days of not yelling, proof that it can be done!

Has it been hard and taken a few tries? Yes.
Has it been worth it? HECK YEAH!
Should you give it a try? Double heck yeah!!!

Why? Because there is only upside! There is the chance you can feel what I have felt from this experience: exhilaration, pride, less guilt, more calm, and lots ‘o joy!

Intrigued? Ready to try out The Orange Rhino Challenge for JUST ONE DAY? Here’s how you can participate THIS WEDNESDAY:

1) Get 3-5 friends to take this ONE DAY challenge with you by sharing this blog post and making a pact to do it together.
Having support will help you make it through the day. Text each other and support each other when you want to yell. This is how I survived my first week pre-blog! Plus the accountability of them knowing your goal works wonders!

2) “Post” your name to show your participation and so people beyond your friends can support you! On the morning of August 29^th check in one of four ways:
– Post at The Orange Rhino Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino)
– Comment on Thursday mornings Blog Post at www.TheOrangeRhino.com
– Email me at theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com
– Tweet me at ORchallenge.

At the end of the day, Post AGAIN to say how the day went.

3) Increase your Support Network by Changing your FB Profile picture to The Orange Rhino Challenge image to spread the word and to get people asking you about what you are doing further getting you support! It’s amazing how people rooting for you can really help. Go to the BUTTON picture in the right column of my blog and Save As. Then upload it to FB as your profile picture. Or Save this image:

Make me your FB profile picture this Wednesday!

4) Find Support and Give Support all day by logging on to your method of communication. Feel like yelling? Yell at me. Need advice on how to survive the day? Ask the community. Want encouragement? Seek it from us. This is a day for all parents who want to be Orange Rhinos, who want to be parents who have the energy and determination to forge ahead and parent with more composure and warmth and without the yelling, to support each other.

5) Read some of these posts to inspire you to succeed and to give you ideas on how to succeed!

https://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/
(definition of yelling per this challenge)

https://theorangerhino.com/why-i-yelled-at-my-kids/ (big inspiration to try)

https://theorangerhino.com/50-alternatives-to-yelling-at-your-kids/
(ideas on how not to yell)

https://theorangerhino.com/orange-rhino-mommy/ (my favorite source of help not yelling)

https://theorangerhino.com/you-never-know/ (inspiration to try)

https://theorangerhino.com/why-the-big-tears/ (way not to yell, inspiration)

***Check back in tomorrow night at www.TheOrangeRhino.com for a new 50 alternatives to yelling!

It’s that simple. Take a chance. You might just surprise yourself. I know I did!

“You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

*

I’ve gotten so much out of this Challenge and from the support from all of the other Orange Rhinos that it is time to give back. FOR EVERY PERSON that participates by “posting” I will DONATE $1.00 per person up to $200 to Habitat for Humanity. Why Habitat? Well, if it weren’t for my being able to do home improvements to my house, I would never have had the Epiphany (https://theorangerhino.com/the-epiphany/) that started this Challenge in the first place. And if it wasn’t for my Epiphany I never would have experienced these feelings:

1. Exhilaration & Pride – Knowing that I can find other ways to communicate, that I can do something hard is exhilarating. When I walk away from a moment without yelling I truly get a natural high from feeling good about myself (which by the way is often hard to achieve as a mom)! Added bonus? Pride from knowing that I am teaching my kids how to positively handle a situation and that I am loving them more, not less!

2. Less Guilt – Mama guilt be gone! There are so many things I wish I did better as a mom. But the biggest one, wishing I didn’t yell, has been removed. I no longer feel guilty about being a yeller because I am not one. The weight that has been lift is beyond freeing. It’s amazing.

3. More Calm – Yelling always raised my blood pressure and got me even more agitated than my current state. (Okay, well I don’t know if it did for sure but based on my bright red face am my racing heart I am going to assume it did). Not raising my voice has done wonders for how I physically feel!

4. Lots and lots ‘o Joy – Not yelling has forced me to be nicer. Period. This has led to many more loving moments with my boys because I am forced to be more empathetic, patient and loving with them. Added bonus? They are also more loving towards me now! I feel SO MUCH BETTER about myself as a parent and I know my kids feel so much better about me as a mom. It’s a win win, it’s joy all around! Add in feeling calmer and “lighter” and I find that I really am enjoying their company more.

Right now you’re probably thinking, yeah, this is all great but is all the Energy, Patience and Hard Work that one puts into not yelling worth it? Yes.

Besides the obvious reasons about how not yelling is better for my children, there is one benefit I never expected. My life feels richer now. I know it sounds hokey, trust me, I know. I am the first person to call something hokey. But it is true.

Because now that I am not yelling, I have shared some truly remarkable moments with my kids that I know wouldn’t have happened pre-challenge because I would have been too busy yelling at them. Like when I found my son in my bed after bedtime. I wanted to scream because I was so done with the day. But instead I asked him, What is going on? And he replied,

“Mommy, will you love me when I go to heaven? Mommy, will love me when you go to heaven?”

This heart wrenching but wonderful conversation never would have happened if I were still yelling. This is just one of the many moments gained from not yelling. Who knows, maybe you’ll have one on Wednesday?

So just try it. It took me just 1 day of not yelling at kids to realize that while hard, YES I COULD learn to not yell at them. And so you can you.

www.TheOrangeRhino.com
www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
I can’t yell for 365 days…but I can still pick my nose!