The b*tchy side of the bed

236 days without yelling, 129 days of loving more to go!

Dear Mattress Company,

When I bought my bed you promised me that the plush top and the number of coils would guarantee that I always woke up on the right side of the bed but that just in case I didn’t I should buy your special warrantee against waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Um, what about the warrantee to protect me from waking up on the b*tchy side of the bed??! Could have really used it today. BIG TIME. Please strongly consider such a warrantee for future bed purchasers.

Sincerely,
The Orange Rhino

*

Oh wow did I ever wake up on the b*tchy side of the bed today. Not the cranky side, not the wrong side, but the wicked b*tchy side. I woke up groggy from one measly glass of red wine that left me with a headache. Ugh. Alcohol is so not my friend. I woke up exhausted from the kids’ not-sleeping-charades last night. Ugh. Nightmares are not my friend either. I woke up frustrated about a project I am working on. Ugh. Expectations can be friendly and mean. I woke up angry that I overslept because I stayed up too late. Ugh. The long to-do list is not my friend either right now. And by the way, neither is my monthly friend. Double UGH. She brings out the worst in me! Put this ALL together and I woke up one heck of a B*TCH this morning!

And when I feel that way, watch out kiddos. The slightest wrong move and I will blow. I will SCREAM at you for nothing. I will scream at you for trying to make the bed…because you’ll make it wrong and that will bother me. I will scream at you for being naked 10 minutes after I asked you to get dressed. I will scream at you for waking up your baby brother. I will scream at you for pushing your older brother. I will scream at you for asking me too many questions. I will scream at you for looking at me the wrong way.

The problem with this set-up? As you all know, I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t yell at my kids anymore. So this morning, instead of yelling, I spent almost three hours being snappy and b*tchy. I didn’t have to hear my voice to know I was being b*tchy and unpleasant to be around. I just had to listen to the constant complaints of my three boys: “when is daddy gonna be home?” and “when is it the weekend so daddy will be home in the morning?” and “I want daddy not you.”

Yep. It was a really beautiful 3 hours of quality family time.

And yep, come this morning at 8:53, as we headed out the door LATE to school and #2 was dragging his feet I was PRIMED and READY to be the most absolute b*tch possible.

Which meant one thing. I had to get my sh*t together fast!

Darnit, I had to actually intercept my negative thinking and choose to be nice. I had to choose to stop being b*tchy because I was on a one way path towards screamdom. And I don’t want to go there. Been there, done that, it ain’t pretty.

So I started doing what I have taught myself to do.

Talk myself down off the b*tchy ledge.

“Orange Rhino, get it together. It’s okay to be 30 seconds late.”

“Orange Rhino, if you keep up this cranky mood your whole day is going to stink. What a waste of a day.”

“Orange Rhino, look at those cute faces. Do you really want to yell at them?”

“Orange Rhino, your kids are being kids, they haven’t done anything wrong. You control YOUR behavior. YOU CAN DO THIS.”

(Yep, I know. I sound totally corny. That is what The Orange Rhino Challenge has done to me.)

I had to give myself quite the pep talk to shake the mood. Because when I wake on the b*tchy side of the bed, my b*tchy mood wakes up and oh she is fierce and persuasive and completely intent on staying and partying a long while. It is HARD for me to put her back to bed. Really, really, really hard. I have an awful tendency of letting a bad mood grow into a disastrous everything sucks and bothers me mood all within a day. AND I have a tendency to let that mood hang for days. Which P.S. makes it beyond difficult to not yell at my kids.

I always feel like a fool after I talk to myself. I feel so hokey and cheesy and all sorts of weird.

BUT IT WORKS. It works people. I no longer feel like a B*tch! I still feel bloated and overwhelmed  J but not like a b*tch. I’ll take the improvement. Because now this day stands a chance.

So go ahead, talk to yourself out of yelling today. Intercept your negative thoughts that you can’t not yell and tell yourself that you can. But don’t just do it for the obvious benefit of not yelling, do it for me so that I don’t feel so silly doing it!   

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