I have debated back and forth a lot this morning about posting this because it is sensitive and I want to get it right. But it is all that is on my mind and I feel it is ever so important to share. Love to all. TRIGGER warning, suicide.
Disclaimer, I am not a mental health professional. If you need help, please call or text 988 because you matter – and we need you here.
One of my sons came into the kitchen last night and said, “Mom, did you see who died?! The guy from Ellen I used to watch when I was younger. I loved him. He was the best.” The sadness and disbelief crept onto his face and…tears come to my eyes now.
I loved watching my son watch Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss. When he did, my son’s eyes filled with awe and his smile with joy. It was always, always, one of the sweetest moments during our chaotic days. Such an incredible loss. Oh my heart aches for his family and all those who struggle. I just can’t. I can’t.
My son then asked how he died and I replied, “He died by suicide sweetheart.”
“Oh.” His face fell even more. The silence became heavy.
“But he seemed so happy. I don’t understand.”
“Yes. I know. I don’t either. It’s tragic beyond words. Heartbreaking. It’s a good, albeit very sad, reminder that you never know what is going on in someone’s private life or in their mind. It is why I always say, just be kind. You don’t know everyone’s story. What they have been through in life or that day. Just be kind.”
“I know.” he said softly.
And I know he did. He is one sweet, loving, empathetic kind kid. I could see he was also thinking, pondering. He knows some people in his life who have struggled.
This is, and rightfully so, a hard, subject for him, for me, for all of us. But it can’t be avoided.
“Hey kiddo. I want you to remember. In life, you might feel some really crappy, heavy, feelings and feel like they will never go away, that they are permanent, and that you will always feel miserable. You are young so you won’t have experienced yet that these crappy and depressing feelings will go away, they will pass. I promise. You won’t have experienced yet that you can get through the hard times. But you can. I promise you. And you know you never, ever have to be alone with your feelings. I am always here for you. And remember, I love you. You make my life better!”
“I know, mom, thanks.” And off he went to sit with our dog Hope, for some love and comfort. And off I went to try and focus on dinner when really I just wanted to cry.
I have had days where I have said to my therapist, “I just can’t anymore. The pain is too much. This is too hard. When is it going to end? I need it to end.”
The sad part is – even though I love my therapist and I trust her implicitly – I always cushion those statements (the few times I have said them) with “I am not going to do anything, I am in just so much deep pain and I don’t know how to explain it in other words.” Lest my therapist think I am *gasp* actually in that, THAT much pain.
No, I can’t have her think that. I can only have her think I am in a mediocre amount of pain. Oh, how I wish we were more free to fully share the depths of our feelings without fear of judgement. I know my therapist won’t judge me; she is the best.
But the world, my inner world? It has, and for this, I hold back. I keep my dark, ugly feelings to myself. The thoughts no one wants to hear but that I am certain everyone also has.
Except one thought – and that one I shared loud and clear – that I yell at my kids. It worked out okay sharing that dark truth. It felt great knowing I wasn’t the only one; it brought such comfort, such relief.
So, I share this today – hesitant as can be – because I know there is at least 1 person who follows this page who needs to read this and who needs to know, You aren’t alone. I see you. I feel your pain all too well. I know you are hurting. I know you are wondering if you are loved. I know you are feeling tossed aside and that you don’t matter; that you aren’t good enough and never will be. I know that you are feeling that nothing is getting better, just worse, so what’s the point.
The point is your children. They need you. They really do. Anytime you hear, “Mama? Mom? Mommy?” It really means, I need you. It really means, where are you – I need your comfort, I need the support only you can provide. It really means, are you there because I need you here because you make me feel safe in this world. And your kids do love you, even though they show it sometimes in the oddest of ways. Your friends love you and need you.
Your family – whoever you may call family – needs you. Things will get better, they just haven’t, yet, but they will. I am living proof that they will. You are more than good enough – the fact that you follow this page, that you are interested in learning about how to yell less shows me that you are interested in self-growth and being the best you can be which tells me you are a great parent. If you doubt yourself as a mom, remind yourself that the mere fact that you ask yourself that means that you are kicking butt at parenthood.
We work hard and try to improve at what we care about – at what we love. Loving our kids and wanting the best for them is the core of being a good mom. That is you. You care enough to self-reflect and make sure you are doing your best. That means you are present and working hard – keep it up.
And remember… Life can be painful. Pain can seem like it will never, ever get better. Days can seem like they refuse to end. Months can seem to be filled with constant bad news, always something new to overcome. But it all passes. It might go a heck of a lot slower than desired. It might be painful as heck and hard as heck and undesirable as heck to go through – but one can get through it all. You will be exhausted as all get out – from motivating yourself daily, hourly even, to find perspective, to find the good, to find the positive thoughts, and to find the strength to not lose hope – but you will sleep and then live to make it through another day that will hopefully, and eventually be better than the day before.
I got through a lot of crap with the help of not one, but two therapists. You read that right. Oh, and my friend, Wellbutrin, an antidepressant. No shame. No shame at all. I have four kiddos who I love fiercely and who need me at the best I can be. And despite all the pain and yuck in the world, there is also beauty and I want to be able to get out and fully experience it without being held back by darkness.
Again, life can be painful. Life can be hard. Life can be overwhelming. But you can get through it. I know you can. Repeat. I know you can. I hope you have a friend you can reach out to today to say, “I’m hurting. Like really hurting and I need to talk. I need to tell you my truths.”
If you are hesitant to share, I want you to remember,
- In all likelihood, you sharing your truth is actually a gift to the person you share with because they too have probably felt the same and will feel a bit less alone as a result. They will feel a sense of relief.
- If they judge you – you have given yourself a gift of knowing who to remove from your life. Painful gift, but a long-term one that will keep giving. And if they judge you see #1. Likelihood is they aren’t ready to fully admit to their own feelings and their response has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They perhaps envy your strength and courage and they didn’t know what to do with it, except judge.
- If you are worried you will be judged because you have been by others in the past, it is still worth the risk. Sharing your feelings instead of carrying them as a burden will be a start in moving forward.
And if you truly know that there is no one that you can trust with your darkest feelings – your true, real feelings that are ever so valid – please text or call 988. You are so very, very needed. You are so very, very loved. And you can – and will – get through whatever darkness you are experiencing.
With so much love to all who are hurting and doubting, I just can’t say it enough – you are loved and we need you here, in this life. And to all who aren’t hurting today, smile at someone who isn’t; you might just make their day. Compliment someone; you might just help them see their strengths. And know that if and when you are hurting, I will see you then too. * AND if you have time, please read the comments.
I do not want to miss anyone being brave enough to share their truths. Please take a moment to share love and encouragement.
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
