My husband asked me this past week what I wanted and what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
“Well, I need some guidance or you’ll be massively disappointed,” he replied.
“I know. I just don’t know what I want, you know?!” I answered exasperated.

And I didn’t really. Because every year when he asks me this exact question, I have the same exact internal fight.

Part of me really, really, REALLY, wants to ask for the entire day off to be by myself, to sit in peace and quiet, to pee without interruption, to catch up on the to-do’s on my “I wish I could get to list,” to call my girlfriends and talk for a whole five minutes, and to reflect on life and realize just how grateful I feel and how much I love my kiddos.

The day I became a Mommy…the best. moment. ever.

And well, the other part of me thinks the exact opposite! And not just because I feel guilty being away from my kids (the reason I am a mom in the first place!) but also because I love my kids and genuinely want to be with them on this special day! Yep, this part of me wants to spend all day with my kiddos, laughing, smiling, sharing stories, creating all sorts of wonderful new memories to add to the list­ all while relishing that I can do so much more easily because I have a small “free pass” to be a little less responsible that day. This part of me also wants to just sit and watch my sons play and well, just be, because that makes me feel so grateful that they are mine and fills my heart with such immense love.

Oh, the internal fight! Do I ask for the day off that my body and mind crave or do I ask that we do an exciting family adventure together, which I also crave?  Ah, such decisions and year after year, no clear answer. The only certainty that I do have every year is that I wish for some really awesome store bought gift (that my husband would “flawlessly” pick out after mind-reading my un-made-up mind) and some really awesome homemade gift from my boys. As I flipped through magazines the other night looking for ideas to telepathically send to my husband, for the first time I had another piece of clarity regarding Mother’s Day. Three actually.

First, I could please both parts of my mind. Duh! I could have time to myself AND time with my family and not feel any guilt, but just peace and joy, both by myself and with my boys.

Second, I realized what I already knew–I really didn’t need anything! Sure a pretty blue tray for the kitchen would be nice, but so not necessary. And yes, another pretty picture frame would be nice, but also so not necessary.  This all led me to the third clear piece of information, the way more important piece if you ask me.

I realized that, “The best gift for me for Mother’s Day isn’t a gift that my husband and kids can give me. They already give me what I want weekly–precious time alone, precious time together and precious gifts here and there. There isn’t anything more they can give me, tangible or intangible. Nope, the best gift for me for Mother’s Day can’t come from anyone else; it needs to come from me. And I really, really want it because I have been craving it for a while now.”

So what is it I want you ask? What do I want to give to myself?

I want to give myself the gift of taking care of me without feeling guilty.
I want to give myself the gift of enjoying a relaxing moment without feeling unproductive.

I want to give myself the gift of forgiveness, much, much more often.
I want to give myself the gift of less criticism, every, single, day (hour?!)
I want to give myself the gift of believing in myself, in my strengths, when doubt arises.

I want to give myself the gift of acceptance; I want to look in the mirror and see more beauty and less ugly, both in and out. And, I want to look in the mirror and not think of what I still need to change, but what I have already changed, no matter how small.

I want to give myself the gift of security; I want to walk down the streets and feel more comfortable in who I am, in my decisions, in my parenting and less concerned about what others think I am (or am not.)

I want to give myself the gift of confidence that with every day that passes, I am doing a little better at doing all of the above and even more so, that it is okay to be struggling with all of the above! Yes, I want to give myself the gift of confidence that even though I feel that there is room for personal improvement, that the base is still pretty awesome and acceptable!

So in other words, I want to give myself the gifts of self-love, self-appreciation, and self-confidence.

Yes, those are the gifts I want for Mother’s Day because well, because I know that I deserve them and that I have been depriving myself of them for way, waaaay too long. I have definitely improved giving myself all of the above gifts since I started The Orange Rhino Challenge, like big time. Tracking my triggers made it obnoxiously clear that when I am down on myself, I got lost in la-la land (also known as “I totally stink-stink land”) and was much more apt to snap or yell unnecessarily. So, I started talking to myself and being nicer to me and it totally helped.

But this Mother’s Day, I know that I am still depriving myself of some of the self-love, self-appreciation and self-confidence that I deserve; that we all deserve! Just to be clear, I am not out to become massively egotistical and obnoxious. I just want to become more even. You know, if you have a scale and the left is “I’m not good enough” land and the right is way-to-confident land, I want to be in the middle-ish. Having the scale weigh too much towards the “not good enough land” is not only punitive, but it also a clear contributor to the stress and occasional unhappiness in my life! And honestly I am tired of all the crap I give myself! Who needs or wants that? “Not I,” said The Orange Rhino! I want to indulge myself instead.

Ooh, I even feel guilty and obnoxious saying that! But it is true and it is OKAY to want to spoil myself with kinder words and thoughts!

Keep up the hugs kids; mommy always needs them!

So my dear husband, if you and the kids want to give me anything – please just help me find these gifts for myself by continuing to love me and believe in me, not just today, but everyday. These gifts are really the only things I need and want right now. Okay, not the only things, but some of the really important ones. I feel like (or naively believe) that even just a little of these gifts will make me a little happier which will make me a little better mom which will make me feel happier which will make me an even better mom…and so on and so forth. So don’t give me a doughnut, or a cookie, or a muffin. Give me the support and assurance that’s it is not just okay to give back to myself, but absolutely deserved.

I’m not the only one who deserves these gifts. You all deserve them. Yes, you also deserve a trip to the spa…a long one! Yes, you also deserve to sleep in and have breakfast served to you in bed. And yes, you also deserve to be slobbered in kisses and smothered in hugs. But for real, you also deserve to give yourself kindness. And not just today, Mother’s Day, but everyday. You both deserve it AND have earned it. You are a great mom. You are showing up and trying everyday to do your best…and that is what matters.

(Hey Orange Rhino, think you should print that last line up and post it everywhere in your house so you say it to yourself a thousand times a day? Yeah, I thought the answer would be, “Yes.” And if you don’t do so hot at “improving” forgive yourself and move on, okay?!)

* * * * *

Read more about how I mostly figured out how to give back to myself in order to keep yelling at bay in my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too.” It’s a 30-day guide complete with 100 alternatives to yelling, simple actions to follow, and honest stories from my journey to inspire you on your own. Pre-order it here for arrival early September…just in time for back to school when the change in routine is getting to everyone and the “yells” are really wanting to be part of that routine! 

I often find myself laughing at the fact that I have not one, not two, not three, but four kids! It’s really quite ironic actually because I can’t stand noise, like really, really, really can’t stand it.  Now, when I talk about noise, I’m not just talking about the level of volume or the amount of it. I’m also talking about noises that are just outright annoying, whether at a low or a high volume, like the sound of a hand rummaging through a chip bag desperately searching over and over for the perfect chip or the sound of someone chewing while smacking their lips.

Yes, my tolerance for noise and noises is so incredibly (and frustratingly and embarrassingly) low. Loud noise, too much noise and just “annoying to hear” noises make my skin scrawl, make me hot and bothered, and after a decent, steady exposure make me cranky and SNAPPY.  It is a daily battle for me to not go apeshit when the noise and noises around me have finally gotten to me. And guess what? I also have super ridiculous hearing, like super, super ridiculous hearing, which means in addition to hearing the normal annoying or normal loud noises, I also hear all the quiet annoying noises that I am not supposed to hear! Ehhh! And guess what else?

Kids, well kids, they bring all sorts of noise and noises with them on a constant daily basis! And I have four of them! Can you see the irony now?! Oy!

My favorite noises: the sea, wind around me, and the first moment when my boys quietly eat ice cream!

The good news is that so much of kid’s noise and noises, however, are phenomenal and wonderful for the soul: a non-stop giggle from being tickled, a full on belly laugh while enjoying life, a “weeee” while on the swing, a really loud, “This is soooo awesome” exclamation, a quiet rendition of a favorite lullaby sung when thought no one else was around. And perhaps the best noise ever from my children, fully welcomed at any volume: “I love you mommy to the moon and back” or “I love you soooo much” or “You’re the bestest mommy ever!” I actively welcome, listen for and elicit this kind of “noise” and all the other sweet ones; they just make my heart absolutely melt and have the power to bring me up on a really tough day.

But these sweet noises also do more­­. The joy they bring me silently fills my “I feel calm and happy and don’t want to yell” tank. The more this tank fills, the more I build the necessary resilience for when those other noises from my kids, the ones that drive me absolutely, positively batty, start bothering me. You know, like the constant rummaging through a toy box and crashing and banging every single toy against each other in the process all in the search for one, itsy, bitsy toy that is at the absolute bottom of the box (and which by the way, when pressed makes a wonderfully obnoxious sound.)

And like the talking at a volume one would use to be heard at a rock concert.
The bickering, oh the non-stop loud bickering, especially when in the car.
The slurping of cereal at every single bite…or of popsicles.
The whining, the what seems like never ending, whining that “nothing is fair.”
The tapping of a fork on a table.
The tapping of a foot against the cabinet while at the counter.
The grinding of teeth (in my ear) during story time.
The yelling aggressively at a brother because he broke a Lego creation.
The constant humming to oneself, especially after you have been asked to stop.
The clucking of one’s tongue like a chicken, all, day, long, just because.
The sucking snot up one’s nose incessantly instead of getting a tissue.
The screaming at the “puberty so hasn’t hit” level while running around.
The screaming of all four boys at once, louder and louder, as they try to be heard. Oh, the screaming!

Yes, screaming by my boys, whether for fun or in anger, is a sound I just can’t stand­–(yells of pain, different story. I love hearing a sobbing voice yell, “Mommy! Quick, I NEED you!”) And I know I will deeply miss those yells, all of them, and all the other noises when my boys leave home and it is eerily quiet. Shoot, I might pinch my husband then or take his favorite toy just to piss him off and make him yell! But right now, when all my boys are living in my house and it is insanely and constantly loud and noisy and the annoying (but totally normal) kids noises are at an all time high, well, it is making me daily bust my arse to not yell at them!

But I used to, oh did I ever used to yell at boys when the noises I deemed “annoying” and the noise from all the yelling with each other, over each other, and at each other, eventually got under my skin.  I would yell, and sometimes really, really yell, “BE QUIET! TAKE A BREAK! ENOUGH ALREADY!!”

And for what?
Making noise? Being human?
Having fun? Enjoying life?
Doing what I role modeled for them–yell when angry? Yell to be heard?

Telling over noise and noises in my eyes, was just so wrong on so many reasons. I mean sure, it’s okay to set personal boundaries and ask people to bring it down to a normal notch. And I do that and I believe in that and there is a polite tone and volume to use. But yelling over noise? For real?

Push aside forget the fact that it’s mean and often stopped my kids from finding simple joy in life; blowing bubbles with milk is fun when first discovered! (Should it stop when requested, yes. But that’s a different story!) Push aside the fact that it’s unnecessary because when I yell over noise it’s often because of my personal struggle with noise or because I am in a grumpy, tired, impatient mood, not because of my kids’ behavior. And push aside the fact that it’s silly because let’s face it, it’s just noise, not a broken light or worse.

But look at the one reason why yelling over noise is just wrong: it’s completely counterproductive!!!  Let’s see. I hate noise, yet yelling (a) is loud and noisy,  (b) makes my boys louder so they can be heard and because I have raised the accepted volume, (c) makes my kids even noisier by eliciting even longer sobbing or new screams of “YOU’RE SO MEAN!” and (d) just increases my frustration and decreases my tolerance for noise even more. I mean really. How asinine is that I have known about my low tolerance for noise and annoying noises since I was a munchkin, and yet I used to create more of it on my own…knowingly?!

But I did. And I continued to yell and create more noise in my life (and misery) until I started tracking my triggers around what made me yell and my results literally screamed at me to start finding more tolerance for noise or kiss my one year straight without yelling goal bu-bye! So I started finding ways for ME to handle all the noise in my life because obviously I can’t make my kids be quieter all the time! Sure, I can teach them to respect people and their personal struggles, I can teach them that yelling at each other isn’t how we communicate, and I can teach them proper manners (slurping and making spitting noises are not so hot!).

But they are kids – it will take a while before they really get those lessons and can control their impulses to make them and well, I want them to keep exploring with sounds and having fun. And besides, it isn’t their responsibility to control their noises so that I don’t explode; it’s my responsibility. Like I learned early on, I can’t control my kid’s actions, but I can control mine.

I’m trying really hard to control my actions lately. I don’t know why noises are super getting to me lately but they are – they are the #1 trigger I am having to manage. I guess my “I feel calm and happy and don’t want to yell” tank is on empty. I guess I need to start filling it up by tickling my kids more…and by making “quiet me time” a priority…again. And I guess I should just keep my hands on my ears all day or wear my earmuffs! (You think I am kidding…I am SO not!)

* * * * *
You can read more about this particular trigger and why it is even harder to manage than I express here, as well as about other triggers (eh hem, food fights!) and how I manage them in my new Book. To pre-order, click here: Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids – and How You Can too!  It is a 30-Day Guide that includes 100 Alternatives to Yelling, Simple daily steps to follow, and Honest stories from my journey to inspire you along your own journey to yell less and love more! Also included are some of the tools I created and used, as well as space to journal and take notes. What is not included are statistics about yelling and statements that make you feel ashamed and guilty! You will both laugh (with and at me!) and cry as you read the book, but mostly you will discover that you aren’t alone in the struggle to curtail yelling and that it IS possible to change.

I can count on one hand the number of major, blow out, yelling fights my husband and I have had in our entire twelve-year relationship. That number? Two.

Our first fight was about six months in when he told me he didn’t want to go out that night but ended up going out in New York City with our friends, while I was stranded in New Jersey with no friends. That fight became even more awesome when I threw the cell phone into the empty car seat next to me and forgot to press, “end.” He heard every single nasty word that I yelled at him.  Obviously that inspired him to come hang out with me immediately and not stay out later…not!

Our second blow out fight was on the three-hour drive to my hometown to meet the Minister for our wedding. I felt like I was doing all the work for the wedding and that he just didn’t care. The discussion became quite heated and I threatened to take my ring off and throw it out the window and into the woods. He encouraged me and actually opened the window. This story makes us both laugh now, but then, not so much!

Why so few blow up fights you ask?  Well, my husband and I talk “so much” when something bothers us and we communicate our feelings “so well” when we were unhappy that we don’t need to fight because we always work on things before they got out of control. Yes, yes that is most certainly we don’t fight – we are such great communicators! Right. As if! Oh how I wish this was the truth; but it is not.

Thanks for doing the dishes babe. I totally appreciate it but see that machine right next to your foot? That’s a dishwasher. Can you put the dishes in there too? Will only take a second and will make me super happy!

Sure we talk “so much” and “so well” about small things bothering us like dirty bowls in the sink (really, sweet husband, the dishwasher is right there) and socks and shoes left out (really, dear wife, the closet is a few steps away.) But the big stuff? The big stuff like “Dear husband, I wish you would acknowledge how hard I work to raise the kids because I feel unappreciated” and “Dear wife, I wish you didn’t put all your energy into the kids because I wish you would put more energy into us.” Yeah that stuff – that really hard stuff to admit and talk about because it has the high potential to hurt feelings and lead to a fight? Well, we don’t talk about these tough feelings “so much” or “so well.” In fact, we both actively avoid communicating them as much as possible because neither one of us wants to engage in a massive, uncomfortable yelling battle.

While it is “great” that we don’t fight and have only really yelled at each other twice, the fact that we don’t talk about the uncomfortable stuff and avoid it is not so great. In fact, it really is a disservice to our marriage and our family. We know this – we know that not talking about the hard stuff makes us both grow resentment and unhappiness. We know that not talking about the hard stuff makes us nastier to each other and shorter with the kids. And we know that we don’t want this dynamic any more so we have been actively trying to change it. And I think, fingers crossed, that Sunday night we might have had a breakthrough!

This what went down.

I shared something that really bothered me.
He replied in a way that he felt was really awesome.
I replied using my louder tone of voice that it was less than awesome and that it in fact really angered me.
He replied using his louder tone of voice,

“See, there you go. You get angry and change your tone anytime we talk about hard stuff which is why I don’t want to talk about these things with you.”

My response (after taking a HUGE deep breath thanks to my Orange Rhino training):
“Anger happens.”

I continued on with a more calm tone,

 “Babe, I will get angry at you. You will say things that hurt me. You will say things that anger me. And I will do the same right back at you. I might even yell. But not talking because we are afraid of anger and yelling at each other isn’t working. We can try our hardest to say things in the right way to avoid a huge, angry fight but we won’t always succeed. So yeah, anger will happen. Yells will happen. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what we do after. What matters is that we apologize if we hurt each other’s feelings. What matters is that we don’t walk away but try to understand what ticked the other person off so much so we can try to work on it. What matters is that we forgive and move forward so that we can keep having the conversation and learn from it so that we do better next time.”

The craziest thing happened next; his anger subsided, my anger subsided and we talked “so much” and “so well” about the tough stuff. It felt fantastic and productive! It really is amazing what you can accomplish when you have a calm and civil conversation and keep anger and yelling out of it!

And it really is amazing that it took me this long to say this speech in this situation because I have been telling myself it in regards to The Orange Rhino Challenge for two years! The whole “apologize, forgive, learn about the anger to do better” is EXACTLY the lesson I learned within my first few weeks of The Orange Rhino Challenge.

Right out of the gate, I went 8ish days not yelling.
Then I yelled.
Then I apologized and accepted an apology.
Then I stopped and tried to figure out why I yelled in the first place, what drove me to get so angry so quickly, how did I keep anger at bay in the first eight days?

Luckily for me, I yelled every day for the next few days so I gathered lots of answers as to why I yelled (my hunger, my p.m.s, my lack of sleep, kids lack of listening, kids level of noise, kids lack of sleep and so on and on and on!) and how I didn’t yell. And luckily for my boys, this also meant that I figured out how to move forward more calmly and without yelling for 520 days.

Yes, I went 520 days without yelling.
And then I yelled because I was…get this…angry at my husband!
Again, anger happens. Yells happen.
But it is what happens after that matters more.

Look, even though I am The Orange Rhino, I am still human! And so is my husband for that matter! We will both have good days that make it easy to keep our anger and “yells” in check; we will both have bad days that make it near impossible to keep our anger and “yells” in check and one or the other will inevitably slip out. And when those bad days happen between us, we have to do what we did Sunday night: apologize, forgive, and learn about what drove the anger and yelling so we can move forward and continue to keep anger and yelling out of it and to well, let more love in.

And when the bad day is all on me and I slip up and let a yell out at my boys (it will happen; it has happened!) I will also do the same. I will apologize, push myself to figure out what pushed me to yell and then take that new knowledge to keep progressing forward while leaving anger behind more often and letting love in much more often.

Curious to learn more about how I discovered what pushed me to yell and how I taught myself to calm down and go from wanting to scream to talking calmly? Check out my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too!” due out this September. You can pre-order it here. 

By now I am guessing that you have seen the article on Huffington Post about what not to say to stay-at-home moms and the inspired equivalent piece, what not to say to working moms. You have also probably seen the “What Not to Say to Formula Feeding Moms” post…and the “What Not to Say to Moms of Special Needs Children” post…and the “What Not to Say to Single Moms” post. The list of these types of posts seems to go on and on; it is almost as if there is one for every type of mom out there! I know this only because my Facebook feed is often filled with mom friends sharing whichever post they most identify with and passionately support.

And as I pondered writing my own “what not to say” post, I couldn’t help but to think: why are these posts so popular and why do they garner such passionate responses like “amen,” “yes!” and “finally?” At first blush, I would say the obvious: that we have all been on the receiving end of less than appreciative statements and want to make sure that those statements are never, ever said again. While I totally believe this reason to be true (eh hem, did I mention I don’t have one, but numerous “what not to say” posts that I want to write?), I also think that there is another underlying reason.

I think we all rally around these types of posts because what we really want is to be supported, encouraged and understood more often. I know that for me, I get all riled up and rearing to go not only because of what negative sentiment has been said, but also because of what positive sentiment is not being said (at least, not being said enough.)

Okay, so maybe not every mom feels this way, but I know I do. On the days when I am most passionate about what not to say to me it is because I am putting every ounce of energy and every bit of my heart and soul into being the best mom that I can be and all I really want and need to hear is, “You are doing a good job!” or “You made the right decision.” I just want a little positive reassurance; the last thing I want to hear or read is any form of negative commentary, whether it is direct or indirect.

I might be alone in this desire to hear more positive and supportive statements, but I have a strong hunch I am not. So perhaps instead of focusing on what not to say to moms, we could focus on what to say to moms? Lets start supporting each other more by saying at least some of the following things to all moms.

1. You are doing a great job. I don’t know one mom that wouldn’t LOVE to hear this. Because lets face it, who hasn’t ever felt like they were doing a crappy job? Or that they were totally failing at this thing called motherhood? Who hasn’t felt that their mommy friends were better moms? I am pretty sure we have all been there and in those moments, especially those moments, we need to be told we are doing a great job. Even when we are struggling, we are showing up and doing our best and that deserves credit.

2. I admire you. I know I admire every mother I know – each for different reasons. I learn so much from all the moms around me; especially those that have different strengths and perspectives than me. Sure I am a little jealous too at times, but in those moments I tell the mom how much I admire her. Again, who doesn’t need or want to hear that? You never know how much a compliment might help another person get through a tough moment, a tough day, or a really tough patch of parenting.

3. It’s hard, isn’t it? Don’t you just want to run and hide some days? I know I have but I have been afraid to admit it. Motherhood can feel so lonely at times. When someone said this simple phrase to me, I finally breathed and felt understood and not alone. And when someone said this to me in line as we waited for coffee and I balanced two kids on my hips and felt two tugging loudly on my legs, I felt supported and not judged. It was a beautiful thing and kept me sane enough to not yell at my kids to “get off of me!”

4. Here, let me help you. Yes, I confess I am not good at taking help but whenever someone offers to hold the door as I push a double stroller through with one more kid on my back and one holding my hand, I’m grateful. I often am too proud (foolish?) to ask for help, even when I need it, so when someone blatantly helps, it’s wonderful.

5. Do you need a friend, someone to listen, or perhaps a tissue? I clearly remember when I walked into a store frazzled beyond frazzled with tears in my eyes. I had fought with my husband and was trying to still keep calm with the kids. As I wiped a tear from my eye as I tried to nicely answer every, single, one of my son’s questions, someone gently tapped me on the shoulder and offered me a tissue. Did I want to tell this stranger how awful my morning had been, how hard everything felt sometimes? No. But it was so nice to know that someone cared.

6. We are all in this together. We have all had good days, bad days, totally terrific days and beyond horrific days. But that’s the point. We ALL have had those days, no matter what kind of mom we classify ourselves to be.

At the end of the day, ALL moms are working hard regardless if they are a stay at home mom, working mom, single mom, mom of boys, mom of girls, mom of quadruplets, or mom of a special needs child. Parenting is hard. Period. It is hard for all of us. We all need and deserve support and positive reinforcement. We all need and deserve to hear the above statements. And if we all start saying the right stuff to each other, those bad days that we all experience won’t feel so awful. And who wouldn’t love that? I know I would.

I am sure you have all read at least one, if not more, articles based on the recent study about the negative impacts yelling has on children. I know I have! Understandably, everyone I know who knows about my blog has sent them to me!

I am always grateful at first to be sent these articles. I like knowing what is being said about a subject so near and dear to my heart and I love knowing that people in big places like The Wall Street Journal are talking about such a taboo subject making it a more popular topic at playgroups, adult get-togethers, and water cooler chats. In my eyes, the more people that talk about yelling and the study, the increased chances that people will (a) feel comfortable sharing their desire to yell less, (b) find out that they are not alone (the most horrific feeling), and (c) finally get the support they have craved to make a change. Sure these chats might reveal that there are some naysayers out there who think the study is bogus or don’t care about yelling but my gut tells me that they are the minority. So yeah, I am grateful to writers who published these articles and started some necessary conversations about yelling.

Eventually though, my gratitude and idealism about the power of these articles takes a back seat and I feel frustration. In my opinion, while the tone and content of these articles is well intended as sharing useful information, they often create shame and guilt for the reader instead of compassion, understanding and necessary guidance and support to change. My frustration quickly settles though as my brain gets all excited and hopeful that I could share my experience and let people know that they are human, that yelling happens but that if they want to change, not only is it possible, but there is a community ready and waiting to support them. With every yelling article that is sent to me lately, my mind kicks into “seize the opportunity to spread hope and support while the subject is hot” mode.

And then, the excitement stops.
The feelings of gratitude turned frustrated turned inspired turn disappointed.
Yes, disappointed.

Lately it seems that every time I read one of these recent articles about yelling, I always end up feeling disappointed because while my heart would love nothing more than to seize the opportunity to write something in response to all these articles, my mind knows that right now I just have to say, “not now.” I know – I could write the response now instead of this post, but for me to write the article to my liking, I need more time and energy than I have right now. And so, much to my disappointment, I haven’t written a response.

I, Sheila McCraith, haven’t seized the opportunity. Let me tell you, this has been incredibly hard for me, like wicked, incredibly hard because saying no to an opportunity is just not in my DNA.

Seizing opportunities, however, well that is in my DNA. It is just what I do; it’s who I am and always have been. I kid you not; I have been an “over-seizer” since Elementary School! I love to tell (sell?) myself that, “Oh this opportunity will never come again” and “Oh the timing isn’t right but you just have to say yes,” and “Why would you pass this up?” I love to push myself to the limit, to see just how much I can do, how much I can pack into a day. I love to find five hundred and one reasons why I should seize the opportunity even though I know deep down inside that really, I should pass. And to be totally honest, I love to over-seize not only because it lets me do more of what I love but also because I feel good about myself from doing so much.

Yes, I love to over-seize.
But, I do not love to over-yell.
And apparently for me, over-seizing leads to over-yelling.

You see, when I became an Orange Rhino and promised my boys that I wouldn’t yell for a year, I forced myself to find out what triggered me to yell. How else can you solve a problem if you don’t know what is really causing it, right?! Well, wouldn’t you know, over-seizing was at the top of my list!

Over-seizing pulled my mind and body in a thousand different places at once leaving me stressed and unable to be in the one place I need to be to not yell – the calm place.

Coffee, anyone?! I am tired from over-seizing! I need to believe in myself that I can seize less!

Over-seizing physically tired me out by keeping me up into the late hours of the night trying to get it all done and then getting me up in the wee hours of the morning to finish what I didn’t get done.

Over-seizing mentally tired me out because I constantly thought, “Ugh, I am doing too much and yet do nothing as well as I would hope,” and constantly feeling, “I am just not a good mother…wife…friend.”

Over-seizing put me in such a tense and tired state that yelling simply became a natural go-to. I always knew that my tendency to over-seize would catch up to me one day and that I would need to manage the tendency better. And I always assumed that it would catch up to me just by physically wearing me out; one can only run on overdrive for so long! But I never, ever, expected that my tendency to over-seize would catch up to me and totally bite me in the ass not from exhaustion, but from the harsh realization that over-seizing was negatively impacting my relationship with my kiddos. And that is exactly what it was doing.

Since becoming aware two years ago that over-seizing led to over-yelling, I have actively tried to not over-seize opportunities, writing a response to the yelling study included. It is hard, so hard for me to go against a habit that I have cultivated for years and love to indulge. And yes, sometimes saying “no” leaves me feeling disappointed. But, but, I know that I must continue to actively work hard to say “no” more often and let more opportunities pass me by so that I can keep from yelling unnecessarily

But wait.  Wait.
Am I really letting opportunities pass me by?
Am I really not seizing opportunities in order to cease the yelling?
Yes and no.
Well shit, I think I have just had a thought that will negate this entire post, especially the title.

That thought? I am still seizing opportunities – the right ones, the ones that mean the most to me. I am seizing the opportunity to live a healthier life – both physically and emotionally. I am seizing the opportunity to enjoy more calm time with my kids. I am seizing the opportunity to laugh more with my family because I am more present, more relaxed. I am seizing moments filled with more love and less yelling.

So, I guess a more appropriate title for the post should be: Seizing the Right Opportunities to Cease the Yelling.

Yes, yes that is definitely more appropriate.

* * * * *

“Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too” will be released September 2014 but is now available for pre-order here.

Ugh!
Blech!
Yuck!
ARGHHHHHHH!
Okay, sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Tonight was the least graceful bedtime I have had in ages, ages – and it had nothing to do with the kids!  I was short. I was snappy. I was taking deep breaths every few minutes, scratch that, seconds because I felt like I was going to blow. I was well, not the mom I hope to be or know that I can be. As much as I want my kids to just hurry up and go to sleep, and as much as I want to hurry them up to just go to sleep, I also want bedtime to be slow(ish) so that they can go to sleep feeling calm, loved, and safe.

Sleep sweet child of mine! If only you could stay this little so you could always fall asleep while playing hide and seek in a basket! I love you #3!

I want this not just because I know it helps them sleep better – but also because it helps me sleep better. I cherish goodbyes – even nighttime “goodbyes” because well, you just never know. If I ever have a rough goodbye, it just grates on me until I see my munchkin again and can give him a big, huge hug.

So right now, I am sitting here feeling cruddy. Like I said, ugh! Blech! Yuck! ARGHHHH! And not just because I didn’t have the type of goodnight with my munchkins I crave, but more so because I know better and am disappointed in myself.

You see, I know that the computer is a big, ‘ole, huge gigantic short/snappy/yelling trigger for me and yet, I still looked at it right before bedtime!

I know that checking emails gets my mind spinning about everything I need to do or should do; this just makes me overwhelmed, which makes it hard to not yell in a trying moment.

I know that checking Facebook (my page, not The Orange Rhino page!) somehow always makes me feel bummed that I am not living the life others seem to be living; this just makes me preoccupied thinking about all my “faults.” And a preoccupied mind is a mind that has a hard time focusing enough in the present to remember that (1) I don’t want to yell, (2) yelling doesn’t work and (3) that I can find a way to not yell.

I know that reading some of my favorite sites will somehow send me to a parenting article that I then “must” read. Of course reading the article normally makes me feel incompetent and that I am parenting wrong; this just makes me work extra hard to be “perfect” during all the following interactions with my kids and that amount of stress makes staying calm and not yelling quite challenging.

And yet, five minutes before bedtime tonight, I still looked at the gosh darn computer and visited all the places I know have the potential to put me in a tough place. For real? What the heck was I thinking?! Oh, I know. “Sheila, the kids are playing happily. GO! You have five minutes to sit and decompress and just surf the computer.”

It made sense at the time. Me-time is a great way to relax which is a crucial mindset for a calm bedtime. But clearly, I need a different type of me-time before bedtime. And on that note, I need a different type of me-time right before school starts when there is a lull, and right after lunchtime and oh, let’s not forget before naptime when there is another lull. The pisser of it all is that I know this!!! I know I need to avoid the computer during time periods before the kids leave. I know I need to avoid the computer prior to times when I want to be focused and present with my kiddos. And I know that I can avoid the computer when needed. But tonight, I didn’t and for that, I am disappointed and feeling yucky.

My dad’s favorite line to say to my mom when he does something insensitive that he knows he should have is, “You know, on the test I would get it right. I know the answers. But sometimes in life, I just get it wrong.”

Well tonight, that is EXACTLY how I feel. Here is the thing though. This feeling isn’t unique to tonight. I have felt it in the past and I will feel it in the future. Even though I “know” how to avoid being cranky at bedtime, and similarly even though I “know” how to not yell, there will be times when I get it wrong. It is human. As Alexander Pope famously said, “To err is human; to forgive divine.”

Yes. To err is human…even when you know the answers and expect yourself to get it right. Life happens. Things happen. And that makes mistakes happen. End of story. I cannot control everything as much as I wish, and oh do I wish it. I cannot do everything right all the time as I wish, and oh do I wish it. But do I? Mistakes suck when they happen, oftentimes suck afterwards, but I normally can learn from them and grow from them, so do they really suck? Well, they do – if I don’t forgive myself and let myself grow from them that is.

So tonight I “erred” like a human. And I will forgive myself because it is divine and absolutely necessary so that I can grow and not feel sucky. If I don’t forgive myself, I will not sleep well; and if I don’t sleep well I’ll be cranky in the morning; and if I am cranky in the morning I won’t have the hello with my kids I so very much crave right now; and if I don’t have the hello I crave, then I’ll feel even worse; and if I feel worse, chances are I’ll snap or yell. And so on and so forth. So forgive myself, I must.

Yes, tonight I didn’t get bedtime right. It’s okay! The upside? My “mistake” did remind me that I need to be much more aware and present of when I use the computer, a reminder which was clearly needed. Even though I have taught myself how to be less snappy and not yell, even though I know I labeled “being on the computer” as a yelling trigger, I still need reminders to watch out for triggers. Again, life happens and things happen which makes it tough to stay focused on my goal of yelling less and love more! So I welcome reminders even if sometimes they come in the form of mistakes…because sometimes they also come in the form of an encouraging exchange with one of my boys.

So yeah, tonight I didn’t get bedtime “right.” But, because of my reminder of my trigger, I bet I will get bedtime a lot more “right” tomorrow night. And, I bet I will be a lot more vigilant about my computer time tomorrow, which will make the entire day so much more divine. Okay, self, you are forgiven.

Now the question is, will you forgive yourself if your day had more “errs” than moments of divine?

* * * * *

A SUPER BIG P.S. I don’t share this to scare you that you will always have to work at yelling less – have no fears, it really DOES get easier and much more natural to not yell! I share this to remind you that it is a constant journey that has ups and downs; it is a constant “succeeding” then “erring” and “learning” and “forgiving” and then “succeeding” again. So don’t be bummed if you are in the “erring” part – you will get to the learning and succeeding parts.

* * * * *

“Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too” is due out September 1^st but can be pre-ordered now here 

Every Monday I take two of my sons out for a pizza lunch before they head into back-to-back speech and occupational therapy sessions. And every Monday they claim that they are “sooooo hungry” and “just have to have two slices.” And every Monday I fall for it, hook, line and sinker and then am left with at least two slices – except yesterday. Yesterday, I said, “Uh, uh. Not happening. You never finish the slices. Today we will get three slices and if we need another, we will get another.”

Well I’ll be, they didn’t finish the three slices.  In fact, they didn’t even finish one combined! I asked my boys again and again if, “are you sure you aren’t hungry? You can’t eat for an hour.”  And they insisted again and again that, “No mommy, we’re not hungry!” So I relented, assuming that in the worst-case scenario they would realize that they were hungry and should have eaten. I packed up the two and half slices in a to-go box and turned to the boys; I had my own bag to carry so I asked them to take turns carrying the box.

“I’ll carry the box Mommy,” said my almost six year old, “I want to make sure that it doesn’t tip and my pepperoni doesn’t fall off.” Good answer child because after practically wasting another couple of slices, I had no desire to carry the box. (And because, as I realized later, I was totally in a mood.)

Funny, I still had no desire to carry the box an hour and a half later when we pulled into the garage.

“Boys, one of you needs to get the pizza box. It is not my leftover pizza it is yours. It is your responsibility to bring it in if you want it.” I said firmly. My four-year-old son, also known as my thoroughly sarcastic and stubborn child replied,

“Well mommy, I don’t want it. So I’ll just leave it here.”

At that point, his brother had already darted into the house and besides he had carried it early. I turned to my four-year-old again,

“You are going to carry the pizza in. My hands are full and it is yours.”

“No I am not. I simply am not,” he said to me as stubborn as stubborn can be.

Cue my blood starting to boil. I felt sweat appearing on my hands. I felt a yell crawling up my throat. And to be clear, I felt all of this over a pizza box.  A pizza box!!! I was going to lose it and yell over a pizza box?! For real?!

Okay, well of course it wasn’t exactly the pizza box that was the real issue; it just symbolized my frustration at the moment. I felt frustrated because my son wouldn’t listen, because he was being stubborn, because he wouldn’t help out. I felt frustrated because the pizza box needed to make it into the house to keep the car from smelling and I needed, no wanted it, to be moved into the house faster. Okay, well of course these weren’t the real reasons. I felt frustrated because to be honest, I had too much to do and wanted to get on with my day.

Yes, I felt frustrated because my mind was going so fast thinking of all I had to get done in forty-five minutes, that I couldn’t slow down enough to be flexible and more patient with how a pizza box would get into a house. My mind was moving so fast that I couldn’t slow down enough to find perspective, to realize that it was just a pizza box and that the car wouldn’t smell that bad and if it did, well, then the boys would remember to bring the food in next time.

So yeah, the pizza box wasn’t the real issue pushing me to almost yell, my stress was the real issue. Luckily for all parties involved (pizza box included as it might have been thrown rather abruptly), my now two years of Orange Rhino training helped my mind get in check before the yell erupted. As I opened my mouth to yell, my eyes saw the infamous pizza box and my mind talked to myself as it has been engrained to do:

“You don’t want to yell because the pizza box ain’t moving. You want to yell because you have too much to do; you want to yell because you always take on too much; you want to yell because you know this stress was brought on by yourself.”

Realizing and fully acknowledging that the real source of my frustration, my anger, had nothing to do with my kids, immediately helped me to chill out – as it so often does. After I did chill out and my son did finally bring the pizza box in after saying to me, “You know mom, I actually am hungry for a snack. I was just tricking ya,” I actually found gratitude in the pizza episode.

Sure, I felt grateful that I didn’t yell especially since my son finally did bring it in and on his own without yelling (it always amazes me what my kids are capable of if I chill out and find a little more patience!) but I also felt grateful because the pizza box served as a great reminderDuring the early days of my journey on The Orange Rhino Challenge, I realized that so often I wanted to fly off the handle over small things like pizza boxes, socks left on the floor, toys not put away, and toothpaste on the counter. Just to name a few – and an emphasis on the few! I quickly realized that whenever such a small external thing pushed me close to yelling, it was because something not so small, but rather quite big was pushing me internally to yell.

Now I know that when I am going to lose it big time over something small, I really need to step back and take a look at my life and what is going on and what I need to do to adjust.

The pizza box reminded me today to slow down, to re-evaluate my to-do list and to re-think everything that is so called “stressing me out.” While I didn’t come to a clear “aha!” as to how to make my life a little less crazy right now, I did at least come to clear awareness of how stressed I actually am. Yes, at least I am more aware that I need to at a minimum focus on taking care of me and finding ways to unwind as much as possible so that I don’t unravel and start yelling unnecessarily. And at least, in irony of all ironies, are you ready for this, at least I actually did slow down enough to literally read the box:

My littlest man savoring the slices – yes slices, he had three going at once – on vacation this summer. I too savored the slice of life at that moment. I focused on enjoying the joy he had eating his pizza instead of stressing about the mess and all the packing I had to do to get us home. Totally the right choice; it was an awesome pizza party.

“Savor the Slice.”

Ah yes, savor the slice. I’m sure it meant, savor the slice of life you are eating right now because that is a great way to unwind and is way better than stressing out, right?!  Yes, of course it did. I am most certain. Again, thank you dear pizza box. Thank you.