386 days of loving more!
I’ve written a lot about my oldest son and his emotional struggles.
I’ve written a lot about my third son and his speech delay.
And I’ve obviously written a lot about my fourth son and his seizure activity.
But I haven’t written a lot about sweet #2. I am not sure why. It certainly isn’t because there is nothing to write. There is plenty of good, and plenty of not-so-good. If I had to guess I haven’t written about him because of all four boys, he is the one that I have figured out the least. I “know” generally speaking how to help my first, third and fourth sons with their issues because I understand their issues. Although there is no perfect clarity, I at least have a roadmap and a group of people to support and help me with their distinct challenges.
But #2, sweet #2, well, I am still working to understand how to help him. He struggles to fit in and has been picked on and excluded more than a four year old should be, which is perhaps why I don’t write about it. It is outright too bloody painful to admit and share. He struggles with impulse control more so than typical for his age group, which is perhaps why I don’t write about it because I feel judgment and labels will come flying. And he struggles with always feeling not good enough and well, sometimes I feel I contribute to that.
But you know what else, he gives the greatest hugs in the world. He rubs my back sometimes…just because. He tells me he loves me first thing in the morning right after he asks me “how did you sleep mommy?” And he has a zest for life that is absolutely, positively 110% inspirational.
Rumor has it that despite his struggles, which can be a turn off to me at times, and to his classmates and his teachers, he is an awesome kid. Wait, that’s not a rumor. It’s true. My second son is awesome. Like all of us in this world, he is just trying to find his way and as his mom, I am just trying to find my way to support him because the last thing that I want to be is another reason he feels picked on or not good enough. Not the rumor, but the truth, is that I just want to love him as much as I can. And sometimes that means letting him be right. Because sometimes, being right doesn’t really matter.
We were driving in the car last week and the song “Rumor Has It” by Adele came on. #1 started singing.
“Rumor has it. Rumor has it.”
Then #2 felt the need to sing too.
“Puma has it. Ooooo Ooooo Puma has it.”
“That’s wrong! It’s Rumor has it. R-U-M-O-R!” said #1.
“No, it’s PUMA. I swear.” #2 insisted with such a passion that I almost thought he was right. I felt the need to intervene and correct him, why I don’t know. Maybe because he is also in speech therapy and is working on his R’s?
“Actually #2, it is rumor. Rrrr-umor.” I said sweetly and patiently.
“NO Mommy. It’s not. I heard it with my very own ears. I’m pretty smart you know. Really smart actually. Trust me, it’s Puma has it.”
“Sweetie, is sure does sound like Puma but it is Rumor.” I said again. And again, why? Why was I making such a big deal of this? Fingers crossed the song would be off the radio soon and it wouldn’t matter anyway. For the record I can’t stand this song. Can’t. Stand. It.
“NO MOMMY! YOU ARE WRONG AND I AM RIGHT!” He said to me ever so loudly and this time with tears in his eyes. He wasn’t crying…yet. The tears were just caught in the corner of his eyes, waiting to fall out as they always do. As they always do.
Hugging my number 2. Gosh, just looking at this makes me cry. Oh how I love him so!
#2 cries a lot. He cries when he gets picked on (understood.) He cries when no one sits next to him at birthday parties (the crying understood. The not sitting next to him? Not so much. He is awesome and funny and has a heart of gold.) And he cries when he tries so hard to say something right, when he tries so hard to be liked, to be a part of something.
Those small tears were the best gift ever to me. They reminded me that sometimes, being right really doesn’t matter. That sometimes, letting things go and moving on is not only okay, but necessary. This was one of those cases.
“Okay #2, you might very well be right. You do have good hearing ears, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do.”
The refrain played again.
“See mommy, Puma has it, I told you so. I am SOOOOO smart.”
And I was sooooo smart for letting go and accepting that it really is a rumor that it’s necessary as a parent to always be right. Because letting go, letting my son be right over such a small thing to me, but a huge thing to him, well, it gave him a moment of self confidence that he so desperately seeks…and needs.
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So often I yelled because I wanted things my way because my way was *obviously* right, ie. how to clean up and organize the basement. As soon as I learned to let go a bit and pick my battles more carefully, yelling less became infinitely easier.
I found your blog this morning, and I am so glad I did. I am a single mom of almost 4y/o twin boys and it’s so hard, I am starting my challenge today! No excuses, I do not want to ever feel that my babies are afraid of me or can’t talk to me. THANK YOU, for having the courage to come forward every day with your stories.
Wow, this really hit home for me and brought tears to my eyes. I have corrected my son to the point of tears on his part and anger on my part, and for something as equally unimportant as the words to a song. And I love what you said to your son, that he might be right and that he does have good hearing ears. I will be putting this “not always right” idea into practice immediately!
I have only just stumbled on your blog and I love it already. Your description reminded me a lot of my boy (oldest of 4 – others all girls) when he was younger. He is 9 now and although sometimes hard to work out he is smart, sensitive, genuinely interested in people, empathetic and always the child to ask a question. He is the one who gives me the most cuddles and words of encouragement.
I am really looking forward to following and joining you on your journey 🙂
I just happened across you page today. It came up in a google search when I was looking for something else. Or so I thought! I read you ideas on thing to do instead of yelling and had to share it on FB. Then to find this story! I can relate to your little one I was #2. It is tough. You feel like you always one step behind the rest. Then when you shared about the song in the car, I am that mom, always correcting! Never accepting! I love your idea to just let it be. Let them have those small victories. That’s what you taught him, self worth, pride and most importantly trust. He can trust you to accept him even if you don’t see(hear) things the same way. Thank you. For this page, for your openness, and for a place for me to work on the thing I hate so much about myself. Breaking the spirit of my children because I fail to communicate at their level. I plan to search you site more and when I feel I have the tools ( or some concept of them) join you challenge. Blessing and answers come from the strangest places. My your family be richly blessed!
Your son is a lucky boy to have you as his Mama. Hope he enjoys his special weekend 🙂
Thank you for posting this. My son is 5 and this could be him. He is sweet, smart and sensitive. He is also a worrier. He worrys he is doing something wrong, he worries that no one likes him, he worries that he is not as fast/clever/brave/funny as the other kids. He tries so very hard to be accepted and fit in with his peers and very often says the wrong thing. I just want to hug him and let him know that one day, the world will see and appreciate the wonderful caring man he is going to become. But right now, he doesn’t get that. And often, when he cries about being the last to eat lunch, or not having anyone to play with, I don’t know what to say. Should I say that it doesn’t matter – when it does to him, or tell him not to listen to what people say, or that I love him exactly for who he is?
I feel for him. I don’t know exactly why, but I can really relate with the way he must feel. It’s kind of heartbreaking.
You handled it well. I’ll bet it feels good to look back on that and know you did the right thing!
As I handle things better, I feel less stress about how I’m dealing with my kids because I’m not hiding from what happened during the day– there’s no shame, no wish to forget yelling, no pain at having to ask my kids’ forgiveness.
Coming up on one month of no yelling for me! I love it this way.
Please, please continue to be a light for all parents, those of typical children and those of children with special needs 🙂
Will do 🙂 Thanks for the kind words!
Amazing! Again, such a wonderful read in the morning, sets such a wonderful and loving tone for the day. You are all so blessed to have each other!! And a I am so lucky and happy to have found this blog … Thank you for sharing so openly, I try to find my own strength and positivity in yours :0)
You are so blessed to have such wonderful kids. Thanks for sharing! I appreciate your honesty and candor. Your insight and blog helps me to remember to let things go and hug more! You kids are very blessed to have a great mother who takes time to help others.
You just described my son, who was diagnosed with LD, ADHD, and Sensory Processing Disorder just last year. He’s almost 10 now, and still struggles with the, “I’m not good enough” and the emotional regulation. I still sometimes struggle with the, “what must people think”. And they think, trust me. He’s somewhat spoiled due to the fact that I am a single mother and always have been and he is an only child, but I didn’t make him this way. His temperment has been what it is since he was born. I am working on the letting go of what others think, because it is always when this is my concern that I am too hard on him and yell. Almost always it is because of my fear of what other’s will think or because of my anger with my own self. I’ve gotten so much better, but I still fall back into that old behavior and I hate it!
Yes, you were so smart to let him be right. Having an older brother is rough on the identity….the oldest has already been the first at all the basic skills, so the second one is always trying to find something he can be first in. Yours seems to have found that impulse control issue, tears, great hugs and an inspirational energy, etc., gets him more attention, so that is what he does. You may never fully understand this son, and that’s okay- just make sure he knows you love him, no-matter-what!!
Thank you for sharing that! He sounds like an amazing child, and this is going to really benefit come this fall as my 4 year old will start pre-school, and for the last almost 5 years, it has pretty much been me and him, and he is a mama’s boy and has a hard time around others. Not because he doesn’t want to share or play, but just the opposite. He already lets everyone dictate and decide what to do and how to do it, and I am worried he will get run over in school. So, thank you for sharing and reminding me that the little moments matter, and he will be ok come school.
He is a fabulous child, and I love him beyond words. LOVE HIM. Give us access, and we will show him how it feels to be truly appreciated by people. Truly. You know I have a child who struggles with peer acceptance as well, so I know the kind of carnage that comes along with that. But trust me, he is just ahead of the curve, and his day in the sun will come. I guarantee you that someday, he will be whatever the male equivalent of the “belle of the ball” is.
Too early in the day to start crying 😉 Thank you.
Good job Mama. I bet you anything you and son #2 will laugh about this when he gets older. My daughter #2 was pretty sensitive and would cry alot. She matured a lot between ages 3 and 4, but it was closer to age 8 before she learned to laugh at herself. Everything got a lot easier once she gained the skills to laugh at herself a little.
That was beautiful. ’nuff said.
Thank you for sharing these small, private moments. We all have them. All day, every day. It’s just that recognizing them is so hard sometimes. Thanks for reminding me that often the small moments are the ones that matter most.