Dear Orange Rhinos,
This might be too much information. Perhaps too “deep”and too “boring” but I wrote it and figured I might as well share it. Am I alone in this trigger?
The Orange Rhino
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I just want to cry right now. I am so down and out and feeling cruddy about myself that all I want to do is burst into tears. But I can’t. Because intellectually I know I “shouldn’t” be feeling what I am feeling and so my intellectual side of my brain is desperately trying to beat my emotional side up. It is trying so hard to suppress what I feel. It is trying to be helpful, I know it is but really RIGHT NOW I don’t want to be intellectual. I don’t care if it isn’t healthy to have an unrelenting need to be liked, to be accepted. I don’t care if I shouldn’t care that a few people don’t like me when all the important ones do. I don’t care (right now) if these crappy feelings I am having are just getting in the way of me having a good day; I also kind of don’t care if they are setting me up to yell.
Right now, I just don’t care.
I just want to eat a bacon, egg, and cheese on sesame bagel to feel better. Or perhaps get a grande caffee mocha from Starbucks? I want to eat my pain and frustration with myself away. But I can’t because I am trying to lose weight and part of that has been teaching myself to NOT eat when I am upset. To not fight my emotions with salt and sweets but instead to deal with them. BOO. Eating can be way more fun and tasty.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and feel sorry for myself that some people don’t like me and feel sorry for myself that I am so ridiculous to CONSTANTLY struggle with this need to be liked by everyone. I struggle with this back as*wards thinking that the people who don’t like me are more important than those that do. But I can’t. Because I have kids to take care of today and places to be and places to be seen. There is no time to cry today.
I just want to find confidence in ME. I just want to believe in ME. I just want to be happy with ME and MY LIFE even if and when people don’t like me and what I do. And I want to believe all the people that say “the people that care about you are the people that matter.” I want to…
I want to believe and live all these beautiful sayings. But some days, I can’t.
Which leaves me so frustrated.
I just want to understand WHY? Why am I this way? Why do I need to be liked by everyone? Why do I focus on the few who don’t like me instead of being grateful for those who do?
Is it because I heard a bunch of catty girls talking about me in the swimming locker room when I was 7? Because I heard them on more than one occasion blame a lost race on me? Because I heard them say on more than one occasion that I was a loser? That they didn’t like me?
Is it because I am just a naturally insecure person and there is no way I can change my DNA? In other words, am I just screwed?
Is it because of the way I was raised? Was I not loved enough? Was my brother loved more?
Is it because for so many years I was never any one’s #1 go to person and I spent so many years trying to get to that spot, to get people to like me, that it became a habit?
Is it because I have been hurt by a lot of people, disappointed by a lot of people, so that when even one person disappoints me it feels like a 100?
I don’t know the answer. Even my mom doesn’t know the answer. I called and asked her because she obviously knows me the longest and the best. I talked it through with her. I kept saying to her and me, why? why? why do I have this absolutely infuriating, annoying, and ugly personality trait? Why must I have it? It is a pain in the arse and is a major trigger for yelling. If I feel someone doesn’t like me, or I offended someone, I think about it ALL DAY which kind of keeps me from being present with my kids and kinda sets me up to yell BIG TIME because I feel so crappy about me. So why mom, WHY I ask you am I like this? How do I change?
I got off the phone still not knowing.
But I do know this. 703+ words ago when I started writing I wanted to cry. I felt so incredibly crappy that I was certain I was going to scream at my kids today. For no other reason than mama was in a sad mood. And that desire has passed. Forcing myself to sit and write and think about this personal struggle of mine, forcing myself to face the hard sh*t instead of ignoring it, has helped me feel better. I feel a slight weight lifted for now. It might be slight, and it might be a passing moment, but it is progress. And any progress is progress.
Wow- this is one of the best things I have ever read. I mean, does misery love company or what? I knew when I started the 30 day challenge and when I first visited your site that there was something I really loved about it. I really feel connected on so many levels to the way you are approaching yelling to the way you are soul searching and making progress. All of the things you say are things I would tell my friends as advice or encouragement, but I would never heed for myself. this post is why. It is so hard to get past the cruddy feelings, to find progress in any form of failure, to not enter the vicious cycle of following the same patterns of behavior and then kicking yourself for it later, only to re-enter the cycle again. I, too, have a problem with acknowledging my emotional self and always operating from an intellectual standpoint. this is why I yell- control expectation, and an inability to be present. At the beginning of this challenge I really was ready, but after the “big trigger”day I wasn’t sure I was that ready… I am still keeping the emails and will address each day when I feel ready to do it right. Even just sitting and reading this is a reminder that I am working hard to make it right, to dig deep inside and ask “Why?”
Wow I feel all those things…especially today!!
This blog hit home! I struggle with acceptance by my in laws….it seems that it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s a problem for them…it is isolating and can absorb my day! I’m glad I am not alone and will keep pressing forward! My kids do not need to suffer because of grown up crap! Thanks for making me realize this trigger! Kuddos!
I just discovered your blog thanks to the Fearless Formula Feeder and I love it! We share a lot of the same struggles. I was intrigued by your no yelling for 365 days goal. I am a yeller too…raised by yellers…who yelled constantly while I was growing up. It has been a hard habit to break, especially since my husband is not a yeller and REALLY hates it that we can’t seem to have an argument or disagreement without me yelling at him. We now have a 4 month old son and since he’s been born we’ve had 2 really ugly arguments with him in earshot. Now, anytime someone raises their voice around him he starts this screaming, terrified cry that absolutely breaks my heart. I have vowed never to do to him what my parents did to me. I don’t want him growing up in that type of environment. I also struggle with an insane need to be liked by everyone and obsess over every little thing I think I might have done to upset someone, hurt their feelings, or cause them to dislike me. I cringe when a stray thought about something that happened years prior comes to mind and replay it over and over again. It keeps me up at night and being a new mom I need all the sleep I can get! Oh and by the way, I’m a mental health counselor…yeah…I’m supposed to be teaching other people how to communicate respectfully and help them get over the same crap I deal with on a daily basis so that makes me feel even worse about myself. I look forward to reading your posts and just want to say I admire you for what you are doing.
PS. sorry if that’s a little disjointed or ramble-y. remember the whole being new mom/getting no sleep thing? haha
Congrats on the new baby! How exciting and I am so glad that you found this page. You CAN be a non-yeller. I never thought I couldn’t be (my husband isn’t a yeller either btw) and yet here I am, a non-yeller. It takes a lot of hard work but it is worth it, but you already know that. And that is why I know you can do it not only do you get it but you know what you don’t want to be. The upside to not yelling is not only related to kids – you’ll find that the things like what people think about you start becoming smaller too. It’s weird how wide and positive the impact is! I am learning (albeit wicked slowly, too slowly) to stop picking on myself. I am right there with you. I am not a mental health counselor like yourself but I have been raised in such an environment and I share a lot of that thinking. So I get where you are coming from being hard on yourself – lets make a pact not to be 🙂 And no need to apologize, this wasn’t disjointed at all. What you wrote. My comment? A whole separate story!!!
Hello, sweet. I think we’re all a work in progress… I loved your honest post and adore your site! I too am a yeller (I used to just pass it off as fiery IRISH passion) and once I realized this I began to try to change my attitude towards people, things, and events. Concerning myself only with the things I can “control”. I learned it’s more about how I react and engage others (when they act like asshats or in a way I’m not favorable of).
The first suggestion I had came from a book I read when I was first on my own spiritual journey… when I was beginning to awaken. I’ve featured it on my site: http://thegrowingarts.com/the-four-agreements-agreement-2/ Don Miguel’s words have been a mantra I often repeat to myself.
Most people when they lash out in anger, frustration, are envious, jealous, nasty or mean, they are merely projecting their thoughts and emotions to others. I’d love to say I have the “secret” or the answers but what I have is experience.
About a year ago my partner and I made a great change in the way we spend our free time. We found ourselves running ragged to help others. Previously we’d accept every invite, gave and loved with everything we had, we’d do every favor asked for, lending money and attend awkward family events out of obligation. Taker after taker, after taker… with no return of love, care, friendship. THEN we realized we were wasting our time WANTing/ EXPECTing from others. LOVE if not given freely is not worth having. (You could replace the word love with respect, care, friendship, etc). We created a new mantra for our life and family. “Go where you’re CELEBRATED, not tolerated”.
Soon after we saw amazing changes in our daily lives. The negativity faded away with the people who brought it.
Surround yourself with GOOD people, do things you love and explore your interest daily.
I wish you the best on your journey and am glad to have found your page. You’re an inspiration!
H (TheLovelyLady @ http://thegrowingarts.com/)
ooooh! love your mantra! I need to work on living it 🙂 Thanks for writing such a thoughtful and useful comment. I have seen that book and will be checking it out. Like yesterday!
I’m glad you wrote it out. THAT’S one of the reasons blogging is so worthwhile!
Yes, SO true. Sometimes I forget that!!!
I think we all have hug-o-meters (and kiss-o-meters)…I check in with my kids and ask them if their hug-o-meters are low and do they need a hug…sometimes I tell them my hug-o-meter is low and they race to fill it back up again. I even made up a silly song about it. I do not know your spiritual beliefs O.R….but I am a happy crazy in love with God Catholic…and when I start considering my struggles and troubles and fears…like will my husband have a job next month because the contract is ending…I consider what Jesus did to save me and how much He suffered doing that…and all my sufferings seem to shrink compared to that…If God loves us sooooooo much…than we must be very lovable even with our flaws and failings…we are still supremely loved and lovable…you are loved and lovable and remember that Satan is the Father of Lies and whispers all sorts of things in our ears to upset us, keep us focused on the negative, anything to distract us from the really important things in our lives – loving God and our families and friends…all the rest will fall into place. Hope this helps a bit…hang in there!
Thanks for reading and for the support! Gosh I hope everything works out for your husband. I am not overly religious per say but appreciate all who are and learn from them. That said I am working on “grace” (as taught to me by one of my more religious friends) and learning to accept myself with flaws and failings because not accepting that was bringing me down. Have a good day, appreciate all that you always share!
Good real true post. We all feel this way sometimes, but what’s the first of the twelve steps? “Daily admit you are powerless over people, places and things. Your life will be easier to live when you quit trying to control everything.”
Someone will always have more/less. Someone will always be a better/worse parent. Someone will always be smarter, funnier, prettier, more together, have better behaved kids……..but the opposite is true as well.
So this is a good step–Admitting you are struggling with someone who is attacking you…..this is a good thing to realize..and to understand that it is seeping into other areas……but you can stew for an hour or two………….and that’s it! Because otherwise, she won! And you can’t have that bitch winning! (i’m assuming it’s a SHE; we really are awful to each other.”
You can also call your friend Melissa. She’s pretty effing awesome about this stuff.
Oh my life WOULD be easier if I stopped trying so hard to control people’s responses to me. True dat my friend. Thanks for reading. I will try calling you 🙂