386 days of loving more! 

I’ve written a lot about my oldest son and his emotional struggles.
I’ve written a lot about my third son and his speech delay.
And I’ve obviously written a lot about my fourth son and his seizure activity.

But I haven’t written a lot about sweet #2. I am not sure why. It certainly isn’t because there is nothing to write. There is plenty of good, and plenty of not-so-good. If I had to guess I haven’t written about him because of all four boys, he is the one that I have figured out the least. I “know” generally speaking how to help my first, third and fourth sons with their issues because I understand their issues. Although there is no perfect clarity, I at least have a roadmap and a group of people to support and help me with their distinct challenges.

But #2, sweet #2, well, I am still working to understand how to help him. He struggles to fit in and has been picked on and excluded more than a four year old should be, which is perhaps why I don’t write about it. It is outright too bloody painful to admit and share. He struggles with impulse control more so than typical for his age group, which is perhaps why I don’t write about it because I feel judgment and labels will come flying. And he struggles with always feeling not good enough and well, sometimes I feel I contribute to that.

But you know what else, he gives the greatest hugs in the world. He rubs my back sometimes…just because. He tells me he loves me first thing in the morning right after he asks me “how did you sleep mommy?” And he has a zest for life that is absolutely, positively 110% inspirational.

Rumor has it that despite his struggles, which can be a turn off to me at times, and to his classmates and his teachers, he is an awesome kid. Wait, that’s not a rumor. It’s true. My second son is awesome. Like all of us in this world, he is just trying to find his way and as his mom, I am just trying to find my way to support him because the last thing that I want to be is another reason he feels picked on or not good enough. Not the rumor, but the truth, is that I just want to love him as much as I can. And sometimes that means letting him be right. Because sometimes, being right doesn’t really matter.

We were driving in the car last week and the song “Rumor Has It” by Adele came on. #1 started singing.

“Rumor has it. Rumor has it.”

Then #2 felt the need to sing too.

“Puma has it. Ooooo Ooooo Puma has it.”

“That’s wrong! It’s Rumor has it. R-U-M-O-R!” said #1.

“No, it’s PUMA. I swear.” #2 insisted with such a passion that I almost thought he was right. I felt the need to intervene and correct him, why I don’t know. Maybe because he is also in speech therapy and is working on his R’s?

“Actually #2, it is rumor. Rrrr-umor.” I said sweetly and patiently.

“NO Mommy. It’s not. I heard it with my very own ears. I’m pretty smart you know. Really smart actually. Trust me, it’s Puma has it.”

“Sweetie, is sure does sound like Puma but it is Rumor.” I said again. And again, why? Why was I making such a big deal of this? Fingers crossed the song would be off the radio soon and it wouldn’t matter anyway. For the record I can’t stand this song. Can’t. Stand. It.

“NO MOMMY! YOU ARE WRONG AND I AM RIGHT!” He said to me ever so loudly and this time with tears in his eyes. He wasn’t crying…yet. The tears were just caught in the corner of his eyes, waiting to fall out as they always do. As they always do.

Hugging my number 2. Gosh, just looking at this makes me cry. Oh how I love him so!

#2 cries a lot. He cries when he gets picked on (understood.) He cries when no one sits next to him at birthday parties (the crying understood. The not sitting next to him? Not so much. He is awesome and funny and has a heart of gold.) And he cries when he tries so hard to say something right, when he tries so hard to be liked, to be a part of something.

Those small tears were the best gift ever to me. They reminded me that sometimes, being right really doesn’t matter. That sometimes, letting things go and moving on is not only okay, but necessary. This was one of those cases.

“Okay #2, you might very well be right. You do have good hearing ears, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.”

The refrain played again.

“See mommy, Puma has it, I told you so. I am SOOOOO smart.”

And I was sooooo smart for letting go and accepting that it really is a rumor that it’s necessary as a parent to always be right. Because letting go, letting my son be right over such a small thing to me, but a huge thing to him, well, it gave him a moment of self confidence that he so desperately seeks…and needs.

*

So often I yelled because I wanted things my way because my way was *obviously* right, ie. how to clean up and organize the basement. As soon as I learned to let go a bit and pick my battles more carefully, yelling less became infinitely easier. 

380 days of loving more!

A few weeks before my wedding I got some of the best advice from a friend who had just been a Bridesmaid. She said, “whatever happens, choose to smile and laugh, don’t be a b*tch.” I kid you not. At the moment, I thought this was peculiar advice. Of course I wouldn’t be a b*tch on my wedding day! I would be oozing love and joy and all things magical and wonderful of course!

And then during my cocktail hour, a friend and I went to hug and in our exuberance misjudged our arm placements. We collectively knocked his glass of red wine down the front of my dress. My beautiful, white, wedding dress. What’s a Bride to do?

I laughed, of course!

And then, as my mother and friends tried to rush me to the bathroom to save my dress, I joyfully said, “It’s all good! Really! Let me eat some h’orsdeuvres!” They looked at me in disbelief. Who was this Bride and where was the real person they knew who flipped out over the smallest things??? And then in the bathroom, as they all tried to clean my dress, I continued laughing and said, “Just give me some more wine, I’ll pour it on my dress in other spots and make a polka dot dress!” I was not kidding, not one bit.

All that is missing from this picture is my smile and my mother’s face with her draw dropped open, expressing her thought “The dress, the dress! The wine is on the beading and the front!”

Was I drunk? Nope. I just remembered the advice from my friend and CHOSE to not let the great red wine incident of January 3, 2004 ruin my Wedding Day. See, when my friend was a bridesmaid a few weeks prior to my wedding, she witnessed the Bride go ballistic on a fellow bridesmaid after she accidentally spilled wine all over her. My friend explained to me how the Bride singlehandedly ruined both her own wedding and one of her friendships with her terse words and screaming, hissy fit. As she shared this story with me she said, “Whatever you do, if something goes wrong at your wedding, because it probably will, don’t be that Bride. Choose to enjoy everything else around you.”

Choose.

Such a key word. I am so glad that I chose on my wedding day to let the red wine incident go. In fact, short of getting married, it is one of my favorite memories of that day. Oddly enough though, despite that wonderful experience and knowing that I can always make the choice to focus on the positive and not the negative, when I became a mom I completely forgot this lesson! Before this challenge, I did a truly phenomenal job of letting small or big annoying things bring me down and ruin special days. Blech.

I remember my first birthday as a mom. I remember my son crying all day and my just wanting to have fun and celebrate. I let it get to me instead of enjoying all the phone calls and cards and flowers that arrived that day; I let the crying ruin my mood, my day.

I remember my first Thanksgiving with two kids and trying to get a family picture for a Christmas Card. I remember the tears from all three of us because no one was cooperating and I just wanted the perfect card. I let my disappointment get to me; I let it ruin my mood, my Thanksgiving day.

I remember our first family vacation to the beach with three kids in tow. I remember being so frustrated that it wasn’t a real vacation, that no child was sleeping, that I couldn’t sit back and read a book. I let my annoyances get to me; I let them ruin my first three vacation days.

On day 4, I finally woke up and remembered something. I had a choice. I could choose to complain and whine or choose to embrace the beach, crying babies and all. I chose to embrace all that was around me and ignore the few things getting me down. The rest of the vacation was great. Not perfect, but great nonetheless.

On my 365^th day of my challenge when my son had his seizure I felt anger; and I have felt it for the last few weeks. BUT I made a choice that day. I would NOT let that seizure ruin my day, and I didn’t.  I had my angry moment and then I focused on how grateful I was that my husband was home to help. I focused on how grateful I was that even though the emergency medicine didn’t work, he still came out of the seizure okay. I focused on how excited my boys were to release balloons and eat celebratory cake. I focused on how lucky I was to have such a supportive Orange Rhino Community. And you know what else I did that day? After I cried, and re-focused on all the good things? I laughed.

I laughed because I knew in my heart of hearts that #4 would have a seizure that day. I just knew it, so much so I almost wrote it down on paper and hid it to show my husband later. If there is one thing I have learned as a mom it’s that chances are that on the days and times that I really, really want to be totally awesome and perfect and special, as long as I have young children, something will probably go wrong. Whether it be one child doesn’t nap and is cranky, one child gets a fever, one child falls, or one child just knows I want the day to be easy and therefore refuses to let it be as such, the chance is something will not meet my expectations.

And I have finally accepted that and it is OKAY with me and thankfully stopped yelling at those moments. My kids are just kids; they don’t need to be perfect. And I don’t need perfect moments. I just need happy moments and I can choose to make imperfect moments, happy. I can choose to be a little more laid back with more realistic expectations because that does help the moment go smoother (and keeps me from yelling.) And I can choose to focus on the good even when things happen beyond my control because they are going to, time and time again.

That certainly was the case two weeks ago. But thank gosh for The Orange Rhino Challenge because it is a daily reminder that just like on my wedding day, I have a choice every moment. I can let things get to me when my expectations for a special “perfect” day aren’t met and I can be a yelling, hissy fit b*tch, or I can be a loving mom who goes with the flow and appreciates the perfectly imperfect moments!

I am going with the flow a lot more now and I have got to tell you, it makes for a lot more beautiful, yell-free memories. This is entirely new territory for me – not letting unmet expectations ruin special moments or days – and I still struggle at times to remember to make the choice to focus on the positive. But when I do, oh does it truly feel better. It feels great not fretting and fighting over Christmas pictures, not complaining and crying over restless vacations, and not yelling and yipping over my kids behavior when they are just being kids and are trying their best to please me (because they are you know….)

At the end of the day, my kids are not perfect; I am not perfect. Together we will not always have perfect moments. But, we can have lots of happily imperfect ones that are perfect because we are together…and because I choose to focus on the positive, not the negative.

* Note: Emphasis on the I am not perfect. I am not, truly. I believe everything I have written here but will sometimes forget it. But I will still try to embrace and remember all of it because again, when I do, it is awesome.

379 days of loving more!

Two Wednesdays ago was supposed to be a most joyous day. It was my 365^th day of not yelling. I woke up excited, proud, and so happy. I woke up eager for the day of celebrating with my boys to start. I woke up to start writing only to hear all my 4 boys up at 5:30. Ironically, on this momentous day, I went to yell but stopped myself. I knew they were all awake because they too were excited; there was no reason to squash that! They too were planning a fun day and were eager to get on with it. I took a deep breath, closed my mouth and pretended to not see them as they scampered downstairs to decorate the kitchen with daddy and put out signs shouting congratulations. My youngest, #4, now 18 months, had settled himself back to sleep so I settled back into writing.

Around 6:30, I was informed that it was time for me to come downstairs as long as I was wearing my orange sweater and orange jewelry (well of course I was!) I headed to #4’s room to wake him so he could join me in the family celebration.

Well, this is where the joyous day took a turn. My sweet son was awake all right; and having another darn seizure. (Ah, two weeks later and the tears that I have held so tight to my heart finally start falling out as I write this….) I shouted down to my husband to grab the video camera and the emergency medicine to stop the seizure. We watched him, helpless. My husband, who never experienced a seizure, wanted so desperately to help him. “Don’t touch him sweetie, he’ll come out of it. 3 minutes can pass and we’ll give him his medicine.” I said, trying to be reassuring even though I didn’t even believe what I said.

I watched the clock and him anxiously. My other sons now stood beside us in the nursery.

“Mommy, come downstairs!”
“Mommy, here’s an orange rose for you.”
“Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY!”

I wanted to scream “NOT NOW!” but I knew that would break their hearts. I found all the calmness and togetherness I could and said,

“Oh thank you for the rose boys. I love it! And oh I am SO excited to see what you have done. I am so lucky! But right now I need to take care of #4, okay? I promise I will come down real soon. I love you.”

Darnit. It broke MY heart! My three sons were so proud and excited and I had to put that on hold because of another darn, not understood, unexplainable, yet potentially dangerous seizure.  And the seizure BROKE MY HEART too. Again? Really? I thought we were out of the woods. I was so hopeful. And today? Of all days? (Well today was actually the perfect day because Daddy stayed home late and could help and because it gave me one last chance to practice staying calm!)

3 minutes passed; we administered the medicine. It didn’t work. He continued to seize, his lips now turning blue at the edges; a trip to the Emergency Room was in order. I grabbed some things and we all raced downstairs.

I ran into the kitchen, the beautifully, 110% orange kitchen. Oh how I wanted to stop and enjoy the moment, the celebration of a year’s worth of work. Oh how I wanted to hug my boys and say thank you and it’s wonderful. Oh how I wanted to hug my husband and say it was just the perfect way to start the day. Instead I squeaked out an “It’s great guys, now please, run to the car.”

The oldest two ran; the third insisted on shoes that day of course. And not just crocs, but sneakers. And no he didn’t have socks on. My husband and I were getting antsy as #4 continue seizing but we stayed calm; we both know after a year of not yelling that getting uptight when needing to rush achieves nothing.

We arrived at the hospital. I ran in and got rushed into the Pediatric Emergency Room for oxygen. Twenty minutes later #4 finally woke up (he had fell asleep or passed out at home; I don’t know which one.) At that point my husband had sent me an email with a picture of the kitchen and I burst into tears.

Tears of ANGER. I was SO angry. So very, very angry. Angry at myself – I had bought a video monitor per the neurologist’s suggestion yet forgot to bring it to my desk that morning. What if I had it with me? Would I have seen the seizure earlier? And I was angry at my son’s condition, not him, but his seizures. Why today? Why today? Today was supposed to start with hugs and high fives, not tears and terror. And I was angry with the doctors who still do not agree on the proper medical path to take.

And it turns out, two weeks later, I am still angry. Why? Because we still don’t have a clear path. We still have seizures that are getting worse and we still have two of the top pediatric neurologists in the country disagreeing as to what to do. So yeah, I am ANGRY. I am angry because I love my son and want to help him and right now, it doesn’t feel like I can.

This anger has been eating me up for two weeks now, perhaps longer. And the result? I have not been a pleasant person to be around. I have not been as loving as I wish to be. And my kids, they feel my anger, my stress and they are showing it in their own way and are as expected, more difficult to be around. Which leads me to one conclusion:

There is no upside to anger.

None. Anger does me no good. It doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t help me move forward. It doesn’t help me be more loving and calm and understanding so that I can have a good head on my shoulders to figure things out and feel less angry. It certainly doesn’t help me parent better! Anger just brings me down. Yes, there is a moment for anger. Yes, I know some famous psychologist or something speaks of anger as part of the grieving process. So yes, I am okay with feeling anger, but it’s what I do with it that is really important. I need to let it go so that it doesn’t affect everyone around me, especially those I love dearly.

Anger has been on my mind for months actually, and not just because of the seizures. Looking back at my year of not yelling, I realized that anger is such a huge part of yelling. I have looked up definitions of anger numerous times on this journey to try and write about it but surprise, surprise, I didn’t like any of the definitions. So, I made my own this week:

A.nnoyed
N.egative
G.rumpy
E.xasperated
R.ageful

Those are the five feelings I feel when I am headed towards anger.

I start mildly annoyed (ugh, you didn’t pick up your shoes.) The annoyance grows to negative feelings all around (don’t you ever clean up?) which leads to grumpiness (seriously, can you do nothing right, harrumph, this day is gonna stink), and then exasperation (oh my gosh, how can I get you to pick up your shoes? I don’t know what to do!)

Of course after all these feelings, comes rage followed by a big ‘ole yell! What starts so small and simple as annoyance can so easily lead to negative attitudes, grumpiness, and exasperation and rage. In the past, when I hit rage, or even exasperation, that is when I charged; that is when I charged with my words.

At the start of my challenge someone pointed out to me the most beautifully ironic thing:

theorANGERhinochallenge

Do you see it? Anger is hidden in the name of my challenge. Surreal. It is a complete accident and yet such a wonderful one. Because this challenge, for me, I realize now has been making sure that I don’t let myself ever feel all those 5 feelings at once again. It has been about teaching myself to manage them, so when they come on I can let them go. One by one. The key for me has been to tame the annoyance quickly so that it doesn’t spiral into the following stages; so that it doesn’t become full-blown anger.

I haven’t tamed my annoyance lately and it’s showing. I’m more negative. I’m grumpier. I’m getting exasperated; not just about my son’s medical condition but about my all my sons’ behaviors (acceptable and unacceptable.) And I know what’s next; a big ‘ole, most likely unnecessary, yell.

So, it’s time to let go of my anger. Because again, anger does me not good. Anger at my son’s medical predicament does me no good. Anger at my sons’ for whatever reason does me no good. Anger just leads me to yelling and that is not a path I wish to take again. There is no upside to anger; and there certainly is no upside to yelling.

End Note: I ended up having a great day. I got to snuggle with little man all day and still celebrate with my boys. All 5 of them. Daddy stayed home because of the seizure so it turned out to be a family day…even better! 

*
To read related posts to my son’s medical situation click on the links below!
Waiting to Exhale
Waiting to Exhale, Part 2
Code Orange Rhino
A Time to Yell

373 days of loving more!

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Oh, there are so many different ways I love my boys, how can I even count them all?! I love how kind they are to someone who is sick. I love how determined and creative they are when making Lego structures or drawing a picture. I love how enthusiastic and proud they are when they tell their crazy stories. I love how they give me endless hugs and sloppy kisses. I love how my boys are mine and I am theirs.

This is the first time I made heart pancakes but how could I say no when my boys told me everything needed to be hearts today?

And oh, there are so many different ways I like to show them my love. I make pancakes shaped like hearts because they ask. I pick up extra Spiderman Band-Aids , just in case, even though we have boxes at home. I laugh at their knock-knock jokes that aren’t even jokes, especially the seventh time around. I hang their schoolwork up in the kitchen covering every bit of free wall space possible.

Yes, it is very easy to love my boys and it can be very easy to show them my love. But I’ll be honest. Despite all the love in my heart, of which there really is so much, and despite how easy it is to say “I love you!” there are moments when my first desire is to start yelling instead of start loving.

Like when a bedroom is completely torn apart because there is a missing lovey. Like when the kids feel the need to run around the house shrieking and “accidentally” hitting everything in their path. Like when they refuse to listen to me or be even the slightest bit cooperative just because. Like when they seem to tantrum and whine on and on and on for no real good reason (at least in my eyes.)

Like when… the truth is they are struggling and “acting out” for a really good reason and they need me to love them, not yell at them.

But oh, in those infuriating moments it can be so hard to find loving thoughts or loving words! But this Challenge forced me too. Early on I found myself listening more, observing more, verifying more and empathizing more. Yes, I started yelling less and giving more

L.isten
O.bserve
V.erify
E.mpathize

Wow. I have been readily putting these four words to work for months but only just realized last week what you get when you put them together. LOVE. Cool, right? Here is how I L.O.V.E. my boys when I really want to yell….

Listen (to their story before assuming)
How often do I hear trouble, see trouble, or smell trouble and assume my kids are doing something naughty intentionally before even asking what’s going on? Just yesterday my 4-year-old son opened the front door, left it open and ran out to the car. Of course his younger two brothers followed; totally unsafe. I was so nervous, I went to scream at him, but I stopped. LISTEN. “Why did you do that?” “Because you said to go get in the car mommy.” Right. I did. He was doing what I asked. I didn’t say “Hey we are going to get in the car; wait by the front door.” So glad I stopped and listened before yelling! I’ve realized this year that a lot of the time, when I listen, my kids have really logical and understandable explanations for behavior that doesn’t deserve yelling, but rather slight refining!

Observe (external factors that could be at play)
For months everyday I picked up my son from school it was like Groundhog day. He got in the car, would proceed to yell at me because he was “cranky” and then enter the house and start running around wild. One day I stopped, looked at the clock, thought about what time it was (lunch time) and what time he had been up from and put the two pieces together. He wasn’t acting out to annoy me; he was wiped and hungry, two triggers for him! Problem solved. I give him a snack in the car the next day. Night and day difference. Observing time, day (Thursdays are tough because Daddy has be gone for four days), temperature (my kids overheat easy), smells (they can’t stand mint), brothers behavior (is a younger brother in the way) and noise (they all hate the baby crying) are great ways for me to understand all my boys and their behaviors, before I yell unnecessarily.

Verify (that something is upsetting or overexciting them)
It drives me bonkers when my kids don’t listen, time and time again. ARGH!!! One day early in the challenge, when the not listening was really awful, behavior was at its worst, nothing worked, and I couldn’t yell, I pulled my son towards me and hugged him tight. I had a hunch something big was bothering him. I asked: “You seem really upset, is something going on?” His reply “Yes. I really miss daddy. I am just so angry I want to roar at everyone.” We both felt better understanding the real problem; a weight was lifted.

Another take on verify…I take what I’ve learned from listening and observing and share it with my son. “Wow, look at the time. You seem hungry and tired is that why you are having such a hard time.” His response: “YES!!! When is lunch time? I barely had time to finish my snack at school.” Or “Wow, you are so excited it’s Valentine’s Day and you are having a party at school, aren’t you?” “YES! I just can’t sit still I am so excited!”

Empathize (put it all together and put myself in their shoes)
Gosh, there are so many times when I don’t want to be told to take a deep breath, where I don’t want to be told “you’re hungry that’s why you’re cranky” but instead I want to hear  “Wow. Sounds like you had a hard day. I’ve been there. It stinks.” Or “You’re hungry? When I’m hungry I’m a bear. Let’s find something to eat!” Empathy goes a long way for me…and my kids. I’ve spent a lot of time learning to be empathetic this year. Learning to think like a kid. It’s amazing what happens when I do; so much is clearer and so much of my anger and frustration disappear. I get them. I get the problem. And I no longer want to yell. I just want to focus on loving my boys to help them feel better.

My boys have been pushing my buttons lately – I’ve been stressed so they’ve been stressed. It is hard in the heat of the moment to remember to stop and listen, observe, verify and empathize. Honestly, though, the little L.O.V.E. mnemonic trick has helped me this past week. I hope it helps you too!

xoxo, Happy Valentine’s Day!
The Orange Rhino

* * * *
Learn more about my L.O.V.E. technique and other tips I use to keep myself from yelling in my new parenting memoir, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling and How You Can Too!” My book is a 30-day guide with simple steps, 100 alternatives to yelling, and honest stories to inspire and lead you on your own journey to yell less. It hits shelves this fall but Pre-order it today to guarantee the best price! Order here

372 days of loving more!

Last Wednesday I wanted to celebrate my 365 days without yelling by doing something fun with my boys. I decided on cake (what’s a celebration without cake?!) and releasing 12 orange balloons into the sky. The key? My boys and I were all going to run and SCREAM “WE DID IT!” at the top of our lungs while we let go of the balloons.

I was lucky enough to have my neighbor take some pictures to commemorate the moment. I didn’t think to video tape the scene which actually worked out fine. I couldn’t scream. I kid you not. I went to scream and it felt awkward. I was scared to. I couldn’t believe it. See that’s the thing. I think I have come to realize over the past year that more so than being a yeller, I was a screamer; a real screamer. I so disliked that part of myself that it seems my voice no longer goes there. It was an out-of-body experience to not be able to scream. But it was also really cool.

RELEASE! Letting balloons go to celebrate officially letting go of yelling! What a RELIEF!

We released the balloons and then stopped. They were stuck. My poor planning had me running towards a bunch of trees. DUH. The balloons had no where to go but the branches. Which actually was very symbolic. Here I was releasing the balloons, much like I used to release my frustration my yelling, much like I have released my old yelling self, and they, much like me, got stuck. When I first tried to stop yelling, I didn’t know what to do instead so I felt stuck. And now that I am a so-called non-yeller, I don’t know what to do with myself or the blog, and I am stuck.

I had been plagued with he question of “What now?” as my year started coming to a close. And here I was, my 365 days challenge over, still wondering, “but what now?!” Am I done? Is the blog over? Do I start yelling again? I was stuck. I didn’t know my next step and so it was apropos that the balloons also, were stuck.

One by one they released. And as they released and flew higher and higher away, I heard my eldest son, my sensitive one, crying louder and louder.

“Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?” I asked. “Are you sad your balloon is gone?”

“No. I mean yeah, but no.”

“Well what then?” I asked nervously.

“I don’t want your blog to be over. It can’t be over. I don’t want you to start yelling again. I didn’t like that mommy.”

Oh. My. Gosh. I love this child!!! (And all the other ones too of course; he is just the oldest and most aware at this point!)

“Oh sweetie, don’t worry, mommy isn’t going to start yelling again!!!”

“Promise?” he asked.

“Promise.” I said.

“Okay, well good. Can we go eat cake now?”

“Of course.” I quickly answered; agreeing to cake is easy peasy!

And off we went to stuff our face with frosting, I mean cake! As we walked inside the last balloons struggled free and went into the sky. They were unstuck and so was I. I knew after talking to my son that my blog must go on. A conversation with my four year old over cake confirmed it.

“Mommy, now that you’re done with the blog you have to do it again and again until you turn, um, 60. And if you need to, ya know, blow a bubble and then do a push up.”

“Oh I see. And why is that? Do you like Orange Rhino Mommy?”

“Oh yes. Because when you get mad at your kids its not nice to yell at them so you should stay never yelling so you should stay on the orange rhino blog forever.”

Forever.

Okay, I don’t know if I am going to blog forever or until I am 60, but I do know that I am going to try and go another year. Not just because my kids give me good reason, not just because you all have given me good reasons, not just because I want to, but because I need to do it for me.

I need to make sure that this habit of mine, the yelling one, is gone. I need to make sure that I can continue to not yell even without the 365 days goal to inspire me. I need to make sure that I really have changed and that I really am no longer a yeller. Just because it has gotten easier to not yell, and just because I have gone 365 days, doesn’t guarantee that this year will be smooth sailing. Bad habits die hard they say AND they take constant vigilance and attention in order to make sure they don’t come back. I need this year of continued vigilance to help keep my “no yelling” at bay.

And besides, every year, life throws different challenges at you. Sure, I made it through is past year without yelling, but the true test will be this year when I get a whole new set of challenges and the “honeymoon” of my new habit wears off. Already I am seeing myself be tested. I am prevailing because what I learned in year one but clearly, the opportunity exists to keep learning.

And I welcome that. Learning is good. I will still blog and keep the page going for another year. That is indeed my goal. I will focus a lot more on personal triggers and how to manage them in order to be in a good place, a non-stuck place, so that I remain calm and happy and therefore patient enough and in control enough to not yell. There is indeed so much more to learn in order to keep yelling away!

I have always said learning to yell less is a process, and my process is still going. I don’t anticipate yelling again. I do hope though that I can learn to be less snappy and less grouchy on days like today when the stress is through the roof. In this case I should write through the rotten, moldy black floor that is now a hole in my house. But I digress. Because while I didn’t yell today, I wasn’t as pleasant a mom as I know I can be. And I would like to see more pleasant days this year. So I am going to keep working. Am I trying to be perfect? NOT AT ALL. Because if there is one thing I learned this year, it’s to love myself, to forgive myself and to let go of perfect. I am not a robot. I make mistakes. I can be grouchy. My goal is just to have more of the not-grouchy and to tell myself on those days when I am grouchy despite my best efforts that “hey, it’s okay, you tried your hardest, keep it up.”

Keep it Up.

Yes, I will keep this blogging thing up. I will keep this not yelling thing up, and I will keep this being part of  The Orange Rhino Community “up” because all three things are bringing goodness to my life that I am not ready to let go of! Balloons I can release; these three things, not so much.

371 days of loving more!

Ironically, not 3 minutes before writing this post, I was talking about oxymorons, specifically “clean messes.” with my sons. Little did I know I would soon be in a “happy sad” place and then would experience a whole other set of motherhood oxymorons. Yes, motherhood is full of mixed emotions and many happen at the same time. It’s ugly and beautiful all at once. 

I just dropped my six and a half year old off at a gym class.

To be clear, I didn’t want to add another activity to his full schedule of school, swim, occupational and speech therapy. But he so desperately wanted to do a sports class and I figured, it would be really good for his social shyness and besides, how bad could it be?
I should have asked myself, how hard could it be?
Because, oh, it was SO hard for me!

I want that forty-five minutes with him around me. I know next year he will be in school all day. I am not ready for that. I want to keep him around me as much as I can. I want him to grow up, but in some ways, I really don’t.

I watch him run into the class, greeted by two new friends. One eagerly screams his name. My son smiles bigger than he ever has. He used to be so shy, so very shy and now he is so eager to meet and make new friends. He has come so far I think, but sometimes he still shrinks into his shell, he is still vulnerable. I feel proud and scared all at once.Oh, please be nice to be baby I think. Please treat him well. Please don’t say mean things to him. Please don’t tease him when he says his “r” wrong. Please don’t laugh at him when he jumps at the sound of a popping balloon. Don’t do anything but love him the way I do, okay?

I watch him stand side by side with Connor. I think that is his name. My son is just so excited to be liked and welcomed that he screams his new friend’s name in an unintelligible manner. He whispers something to Connor. Clearly a six-year-old secret, clearly one not meant for me. I get different kind of whispers, the “I love you” one’s, but now my son has other whispers for other people. I am not his main squeeze anymore, I think. But oh, good for him! I am happy and sad all at once.

Oh, please laugh at his joke I think. Please tell him you think he is funny, please tell him he is smart, please tell him he is awesome. Please tell him all the things I would be if I had him home with me during these forty-five minutes. Don’t say anything but things to make him smile and feel confident in himself, okay?

I watch him stand alone for a second. Connor and Jack have run off together. They are best friends, neighbors perhaps? They clearly have known each other for a while. My son stands, clearly pondering his next move. I recognize the uncertainty – after all he is my emotional twin. Do I follow them? Do I stand here and wait for them to call my name? Do I find someone else to run around and scream with? He makes a decision best for him at that moment; listening to his teacher who says sit down in circle time! Good move, I think. I feel relieved and unsure all at once.

Oh so relieved that he didn’t have to walk over and be rejected. Oh please I think. Please, will someone guarantee to me that my son will never be rejected like I sometimes was as a child, as an adult. It doesn’t feel good. It feels awful actually. Please let no one ever tell him to “go away, you aren’t cool enough.” Don’t ever let that happen to my sensitive son, okay?

I watch him say to Connor as he saunters over to the circle, “Hey, sit next to me.” Connor isn’t paying attention anymore. He has completely moved on to Jack. They grab each other and fall down into the circle laughing. My son gets up and immediately moves to be next to Connor. Connor doesn’t even notice. My son seems happy though, so it is okay. He knows what makes him happy; I know that he needs to learn the ropes for making friends on his own. He needs to learn by himself about keeping the good and tossing the bad. I feel nervous and angry all at once.

Oh please, say “yeah I’ll sit next to you!” I think. Please look at my son and acknowledge that he is there. Please talk to him and your other friend I think. Please include him. Just include him. Don’t exclude him. Please be nice and thoughtful; please don’t be unknowingly hurtful. My son has come such a long way, his self-confidence is FINALLY blossoming, please help it grow. Please do not squash it. Don’t say anything that could make him think he isn’t good enough, cool enough, smart enough, fast enough, okay?

I watch Jack and Connor start acting out and then start encouraging my son to misbehave too. My son wiggles and squirms and clearly wants to join in the mischief but also clearly knows he shouldn’t. Oh is he conflicted – he so wants to be included, but he so also wants to be good. I feel encouraged and frustrated all at once.

Oh please, please don’t be a bad influence on my son. Please, just teach him the good things: how to be a good friend, how to be a good student, how to be a good neighbor, how to be a good brother and son. Please don’t teach him any of the other junk; unless it is to teach him that the junk in life is bad and you don’t need it. And please, do not peer pressure my son into doing anything he doesn’t want to do.

Because I am not there to protect him, to help him. I mean I am, but I am not.

I watch him for a second more and realize that even though I want to stay and watch and mentally protect him for the entire forty-five minutes I need to walk away. I need to let go and let  him grow on his own. I need to let him make new friends. I can be his “Love Bug” and he can be my “Boo” but he needs to have other people in his life too. I can love him, make him smile, hold him when he cries, teach him when he is lost, encourage him when he is down, and I can make him happy. But other people can make him happy too; other people can help him learn about himself too, directly or indirectly. And I need to let that happen so he can grow. I need to let go a little bit. Oh, it is so bittersweet.

End note: My son did enjoy the class. He scored three goals and that mattered to him more than the fact that Connor and Jack left laughing together without saying goodbye to him. Then again, he was so caught up in feeling proud of himself (as he should, he couldn’t really “play” sports a year ago before occupational therapy) that he didn’t say goodbye either. I think the class was worth it. But still, ouch! It hurt mommy’s heart letting go! 

370 days without yelling!  Republished since I literally, can not speak. At least I know it isn’t from yelling! (First Published November 13, 2012 when I had gone 280 days without yelling and had 85 days of loving more to go!)

Dear Doctor,

Help! My throat really hurts. It’s been throbbing for about three years actually and some days I can’t even speak. I wake up fine but then within ten minutes of the kids waking up and arguing with me about their clothes for the day, it flares right up. It settles down when they are watching their morning T.V. show but then oddly enough it starts scratching and pulsing at breakfast time, normally right around the time someone throws his food or complains that he didn’t like what I served. It’s the oddest illness I’ve ever had. It comes and goes all day and on the worst of days is accompanied by a throbbing head ache and a massively aching heart and tears. Lots of them. Taking deep breaths and telling myself it will go away isn’t helping. I’m at a loss. Please help me. I haven’t reached out to you before because some days, the really good days, I have no symptoms at all, and others well other days I don’t think the pain stops from the minute I open my eyes in the morning. Well and to be honest, I am kind of embarrassed about my problem. None of my friends seem to suffer from it, or at least they don’t say that they do. Please don’t judge me. Just help me!

A frustrated parent

*

Dear frustrated parent,

Based on what you’ve described it sounds like you have Parental Laryngitis, more commonly known as “Yelling at your kids too much.” The defining symptoms are: that it goes away when kids are sleeping or at school then comes on quickly, sometimes with a warning and sometimes not, and immense guilt. The good news is that you are not alone – at least 80% of parents suffer from this. Personal, marital, family, and social stress set up any parent to feel crappy and tired, two known causes of this condition. Children also experience extreme exhaustion and crappy moods further on setting the symptoms.  Take two of these Orange Rhino “pills” that I created as an alternative to yelling and read about The Orange Rhino Challenge, a community to support people like you, and then call me in the morning.

Dr. Orange Rhino

*

Dear Dr. Orange Rhino,

I looked up Orange Rhino pills online for the first time ever. I like to understand the medicines I am prescribed. I found “as of 2009, orange rhino are ecstasy pills.” Um, hello? Doctor? Are you an idiot? Did you mean to prescribe me that? Don’t you do your research?????

A frustrated, and now questioning, parent

*

Dear a frustrated, and now questioning, parent,

Well, well, well. What a funny Freudian slip, eh? And a wee bit embarrassing  Yes, I did mean to write The Orange Rhino. I specifically chose the name because Rhinos are calm animals except when provoked which I think is how most parents truly are. We are calm beings but when triggered by our children’s actions, or in-actions  we charge or scream. And I intentionally chose orange to inspire the sense of warmth we as parents want and to give us energy and strength to not yell.

I actually think it is kind of funny that I missed this tidbit of information when I did my research naming the prescription. Oops. But the thing is, in a way, MY Orange Rhino prescription is like an ecstasy pill (I’m guessing here, not based on my personal research!) MY Orange Rhino prescription is also about feeling happier, lighter, freer, more confident, more loving. Not yelling will induce these feelings. So while my name was indeed a slip, I am okay with that.

Again, take two of these and call me in the morning.

Tonight I moved these to my kitchen cabinet where snacks and cereal are, in other words, where I get frustrated with my boy’s indecision. A LOT. And to be clear, these are ORANGE M&M’s not pills! Other popular storage places: purse, diaper bag, bedside table…

Directions: When cranky and feeling your throat start to twitch, your hands start to sweat, and your eyes start to pop out of your head, take two “pills” and remember what The Orange Rhino stands for: a promise to your kids to be more warm and loving.

Then logon to the www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino and yell there via typing. You do not have to store in a cool place. Simply store in a place where you are most apt to yell. Additionally, for more alternatives to help reduce your parental laryngitis, read this document: 100 Alternatives to yelling at your kids. WARNING: You may look like a fool trying some of them.

SECOND WARNING: It can take more than 10 days for the laryngitis to lessen. Please keep trying all alternatives until you are at a place where you feel better. Don’t give up.

Best of luck,
Dr. Orange Rhino

*

Dear Dr. Orange Rhino,

You were right. My throat isn’t scratching as much. I feel happier. I feel better. It did take a while but that’s okay. Well worth it.

An ecstatic parent

Note: This post is intended to be sarcastic and fun. I am not way endorsing illegal drug use. It is also not intended to make fun of anyone who does suffer from real, chronic laryngitis. 

366 days without yelling…366 days of loving more! 

You know those mornings where you just want to crawl back in bed, pull the covers up over your head and hide until bedtime because the kids are running around screaming…and it’s not even 6? The mornings where every single kid woke up the night before and is starting the day all sorts of cranky? The mornings where you go into the shower for some peace and all you get are kids banging on the glass doors crying hysterically that “he hit me” and “I can’t get my sock on” and “I don’t want to go to school.” The mornings where you feel like since you are stuck out of bed, you might as well just bang your head against the wall because it is going to be one of those days?

Yeah, I don’t know about those mornings either. They NEVER happen in this house. Never. Accept if three or four times a week is the definition of never.

One day during this past year it was a wonderful, scratch that, it was a wonderfully insane morning. Luckily, my husband hadn’t left for work yet so he too could experience the chaos that was happening around us. The boys were playing a game of tag. But it was a different kind of tag. It went like this, or at least this is how I imagine the conversation went down between all my boys at say, what, 5:30 am that morning?

“Okay. Here’s the deal. I am going to cry and cry over the smallest thing possible that mommy can’t fix. Then I tag you. When I tag you, I’ll stop crying but you have to start. And you have to cry louder. Then when you are tired, you tag your brother. Then he has to start and cry even louder. And then finally, someone has to pinch the baby really hard so he starts screaming, not crying, but screaming. At that point, that is our signal to all start sobbing horrifically and become completely inconsolable. The trick? We have to make sure we all start the inconsolable part at the same time.  The objective of the game? To see if mommy and daddy lose it.”

It’s funny. I never even once felt like I was going to lose it even though given all the loud shrills and valiant efforts by my boys, I should have! In the old days, I would have no doubt. NO DOUBT. But not that day.

That day my husband and I looked at each other, and at eerily the same moment both chuckled and sarcastically said a line from the movie Jerry Maguire: “This is gonna be a great day!“ (See the clip below if you wish to reminisce!)

And while we were both being phenomenally sarcastic when we said “This is gonna be a great day!” and we both knew that it would actually indeed be a long, hard day full of tears and fights; just saying that it was going to be a great day put me at ease. Just sharing a laugh at how weird it was that we said the same thing from the same movie at the same time put me at ease. Just sharing a laugh about how it sure didn’t feel like it was going to be a great day put me at ease. Laughter is good like that. Laughter changed my mindset and helped me to be able to smile and then walk over to my terribly upset boys and be compassionate.

I think of that scene from Jerry Maguire a lot and it helps me get going on rough mornings, like today. I was in the middle of changing a very dirty and explosive diaper and one of my sons lovingly ran at me to give me a huge hug. Well, he gave me a huge hug all right. It was such a big one that it knocked me forward and I put not one, but both hands in the diaper. I went to wash my hands, dirty baby in tow, only to then stub my toe and find my other son squirting toothpaste all over his brother’s toothbrush. Cue the fighting and the crying.

Before I could even scream, I found myself imitating Dicky Fox and laughing out loud saying “This is gonna be a grrrreat day!”

And it worked. I started chuckling at the absurdity of the situation and the tension oozed out like the toothpaste now oozing down the counter onto the vanity. And I am so glad that it did because yelling back “hey, knock it off, it’s just a toothbrush” or “hey, why did you have to hug me so hard I put my hands in poop” would have gotten me nowhere except a more stressful situation. It would have just cued non-existent sobbing or make existent sobbing louder and louder. Obviously, that was NOT the desired outcome!  But that is only half of the story. It would have sent such a wrong message. It would have said “hey don’t hug me” and “hey your feelings don’t matter.”

Yeah, I don’t want to send those messages.

And I also don’t want to send the message to myself that the entire day is gonna suck because the beginning was less than hot. I don’t want to catch myself saying “This is gonna be an awfully hard, long, crappy day!” because that also gets me nowhere but a more stressful situation.

So yeah, now instead of letting the morning stress get to me and push me to yell on hard mornings, I send the right message to myself and my boys by imitating Dicky Fox and sounding outright ridiculous! But it makes me laugh, changes my attitude, and helps me to stay calm so I can “show my kids the love.”

365 days without yelling! 

Wow. Wow. Wow.
I did it.
I actually did it.
I went 365 days straight without yelling at my 4 boys.
I think I am shock.
And really tired!

Because this not yelling thing? It takes energy, focus, patience, love and lots of it!

And I don’t just mean energy, focus, and patience to hold myself back from yelling, it also takes all those things to stop and figure out why I wanted to yell in the first place! Did I want to yell just because the kids were “misbehaving” or was it because I was in a bad mood? And in both cases, what was I going to do to create a new plan to resolve those? Oh the questions went on and on and on and oh so did the opportunities to show self-control and not yell.

And as for love, well, I don’t just mean finding love for my kids even when sometimes I didn’t want to (oh say when there was marker all over my house), but I mean finding love for myself.  Taking care of me is such a part of learning to yell less; if mama ain’t happy, nobody is happy! And that means forgiving myself in the beginning days when I did yell and telling myself that I could do it.

I think I exercised parts of my brain and heart this past year that I never knew I even had! Okay well that might not be the best example, but you know what I mean. I hope! Seriously, though, I had to work hard this past year. But I will say this. While it was hard in the beginning, with each moment that I didn’t yell, it became easier, and easier and easier to the point where I lost most desire to yell.  Truly.

And now, here I am 365 days later and I could be happier. All the hard work, all the exhausting and frustrating moments were all worth it because of the loving moments I gained. So yeah, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Wait, I am going to do it again. You all have inspired me to keep going as have my kids. But more on that later. Right now, I am tucking my kids in with a quick kiss, giving the babysitter instructions and going out to dinner with my husband. And when I get back, although I will be tempted to write a more in-depth, thoughtful and thankful post to all of you, I am going to eat some Orange Rhino cake, look at my pretty orange flowers, read the beautiful notes you have posted and probably take a nice, long, well overdue bubble bath. And then I am going to pass out relieved that I made it 365 days without yelling and happy as can be that I made it 365 days of loving more.

Xoxo,
Thank YOU,
The Orange Rhino

363 days of not loving, 2 days of loving more to go! 

Dear Orange Rhinos old and new,

This post is dedicated to you. If I were to meet you on the street or in Starbucks, I would say everything below to you. And as you continue to try to yell less and love more, I want you to remember each of these thoughts because I truly believe them and want you to also.

Best,
The Orange Rhino

*

By now, if you are a mom I am guessing you have seen the recent articles about what not to say to SAHM’s and the inspired equivalent piece, what not to say to working moms. In my Facebook feed I have seen all moms like and share “their” post with the comments, “amen!” “yes!” and “finally!” I am not surprised at all by the enthusiastic response these posts have received. The subsequent blog posts that have emerged also do not surprise me: what not to say to a single mom, what not to say to a mom with twins, what not to say to a mom with one kid. Why am I not surprised by the passionate responses?

I am not the least bit shocked because I have witnessed firsthand that unfortunately as moms, we so often hear unsupportive thoughts that we never, ever want or need to hear again. Unfortunately, as moms, in the absence of frequent, positive support, we passionately rally around the more “negative thoughts.” Okay, maybe not all moms feel this way, but I know that I do! Some days I am passionate about what not to say to me because I question my decision to stay home. Some days I am passionate about what not to say to me because I question my parenting. But most days, I am passionate about what not to say to me because I am putting every ounce of energy and every bit of my heart and soul into being the best mom that I can be and I just want to hear “GOOD JOB.”

Which got me thinking, wouldn’t it be nice to read a post about what to say to moms? I believe that behind all this passion about what not to say are some moms that are doing a great job and who just want to hear that; who just want unbiased support and understanding about how hard it can be to parent.  At the end of the day, ALL moms, no matter what kind of mom you are, SAHM, working mom, single mom, mom of boys, mom of girls, mom of quadruplets, are working hard and we all need and deserve support and positive reinforcement. Parenting is hard. Period. So lets start supporting each other more by saying the following things to all moms.

1. You are doing a fantastic job. I don’t know one mom that wouldn’t LOVE to hear this. Because lets face it, who hasn’t ever felt like they were doing a crappy job? Who hasn’t felt that their mommy friends were better moms? I am pretty sure we have all been there and in those moments, especially those moments, we need to be told we are doing a great job. Even when we are struggling, we are showing up and doing our best and that deserves credit.

2. I admire you. I know I admire every mother I know – each for different reasons. I learn so much from all the moms around me. Sure I am a little jealous too sometimes but in those moments I tell the mom how much I admire them. Again, who doesn’t need to hear that? You never know how much a compliment might help another person.

3. That is a great outfit, but um, you have handprints on you’re a*s and food in your hair. This is a must. If you forget to say all these other things please, just say this! As a mom of four boys I always have handprints on me in the worst places. Please tell me and save me from embarrassment.

4. It’s hard, isn’t it? Don’t you just want to run and hide some days? I know I have but I have been afraid to admit it. Motherhood can feel so lonely at times. When someone said this simple phrase to me, I finally breathed and felt understood and not alone. And when someone said this to me in line as we waited for coffee and I balanced two kids on my hips and felt two tugging loudly on my legs, I felt supported and not judged. It was a beautiful thing.

5. Here, let me help you. Yes, I confess I am not good at taking help but whenever someone offers to hold the door as I push a double stroller through with one more kid on my back and one holding my hand, I’m grateful. I often am too proud (foolish?) to ask for help, even when I need it, so when someone blatantly helps, it’s wonderful.