And…I yelled at my teen this morning. It wasn’t a total, full blown yell. It was just more of me being really grouchy and short tempered and definitely not being the parent or person I aim to be.
And I feel crappy about it. What did he do you ask? What did he not do? What did he say? Not say? Oh, no. His behavior isn’t the reason I behaved the way I did. And perhaps that is why I feel so crappy. He extra didn’t deserve the way I talked to him.
My yelling was entirely driven by me – I triggered my yelling. I am tired and so I was on edge during the chaos of the morning rush. A family of deer was hanging out in my yard last night walking back and forth in front of our Ring camera setting it off and therefore my phone (which I use as an alarm.) And a kiddo was sleep walking so that also woke me up.
And…I am feeling crappy about myself and having negative thoughts thanks to reading some old book reviews. I did so on purpose, but that didn’t make reading them easier.
So my mind was dwelling (I dwell therefore I yell) and not fully present. And…I am nervous. I’m going to be out-right, brutally honest and write something I am probably not supposed to admit to or share but when has that stopped me? I do believe in being an open book because I hope it connects with someone and makes them feel less alone and hopefully better.
The audio version of my book releases one week from today and I’m nervous. Really nervous. For a lot of reasons but mostly because…
I’m nervous that I am going to get another round of negative and nasty comments about me personally – not the book, or the how to stop yelling framework, but me personally.
I’m nervous that people are going to again comment on how screwed up I am, how unbalanced I am, how many problems I have and yada yada yada.
I’m nervous that I am going to want to shut down again from the attacks, from embarrassment, from deep shame.
So combine tiredness, negative thinking and dwelling, and nervousness and yep, I was primed to yell. And I did. Total bummer. I apologized after but still. Sucks. I will talk with him again after school and remind him that I yelled because of me – because I let some stuff get to me. Not just to make me feel better, not just to make him know it wasn’t him, but to show him the power of our thoughts and lack of sleep.
But until then…I need to get to a better place so I am in a good place when he gets home. When they all come home. I feel the negative thoughts hanging out so I am going to find a new thought that I like better…
You know what? I can be nervous AND excited. Necited.
I am excited for new people to hear my story.
Is my book full of vulnerable, honest anecdotes that sometimes show how flawed I am? Yes.
Does it share that I have a disorder? Yes.
Does it show that I deeply struggled with yelling? Yes.
Does it show that my kids struggle sometimes too? Yes.
Does it perhaps show more about me than I would have shared today? Yes it definitely does.
You know what else it shows?
That one can be flawed and struggle with some big triggers and still learn to stop yelling.
And now I am laughing because the joke is on the naysayers – if I am so “screwed up” and can learn to stop yelling, anyone can 😉 But it is true – anyone can learn to stop yelling.
We all already have the ability to yell less. I believe that. I am not just saying it. Is it hard at first? YES. But it is possible and it is worth it. Cliche, I know. And I hate cliches. And I hate that I write them because I sound like such a mom 🙂 But… I just know that so many of us feel alone as parents with all sorts of different struggles and if I can make one of those struggles a little less for you but telling you I believe you can yell less, I’m gonna write it. You can yell less. I know you can. I’ll believe in you and for you until you believe it yourself…
Warmly, The Orange Rhino
P.S. Edited to add, after reading some of your lovely and encouraging comments. Another new perspective I am using today to get to a better place – perspective. The negative reviews are hard for me for personal reasons because I struggle with wanting to please everyone and I let others’ negative thoughts get to me. These two things are triggers – they set me up to yell. SO really, these reviews are gifts.
They are the gifts, working on these personal triggers so that I can yell even less and have an even more peaceful life. Triggers aren’t always bad – look for the beauty in them. Look for what they are telling you and teaching you and what opportunity they offer!
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
