We have exactly two weeks before school starts. (Yeah, my town likes to start as close to October as possible so that when it snows all of December, January, and February we can make sure that we are still in school in June when it is gorgeous out and the beach beckons.) Sorry for the sarcasm. Nope, not bitter at all that our summer started really late this year and as a result went way, way too fast! Not bitter at all.

Anywho, so with school around the corner my boys and I hit the local Staples to buy school supplies. We are a little color happy in this household and not just because of The Orange Rhino! It all started when my now 5 year old had Mononucleosis (a.k.a. the kissing disease) at the age of 2 ½ ! I had three kids at the time and immediately created a color system so that no child would make the mistake of drinking from the wrong sippy cup. Mono had wreaked havoc on one son, absolute havoc, and I was not about to have my other two sons go through the same misery. So, #1 became “Red”, #2 “Green” and #3 “Blue.” My system worked flawlessly and not only did no one else get Mono, but everyone loved having their “own” color and they naturally started applying the color system to other things too. Jackets. Backpacks. T-shirts. Toys. Oh did a color system make life simple.

So naturally when we went school shopping, #1 and #2 had to find their colors. We dug through dual-pocket folders to find red and green ones. We dug through bins of three ring binders to find red and green ones. We dug through bins of composition And we went up and down the pencil and eraser aisle to find, you guessed it, packs of just green erasers and packs of just red erasers. And yes, that was an absolute fail! But for the most part, we succeeded in finding the right back to school items in the right colors.

As we were shopping and searching for the right colors, I was fighting the urge to snap really nastily while saying wrong things like, “Just hurry up already, it doesn’t matter, it’s just a folder!” and “For the umpteenth time, put your hands in your pockets and stop touching your brother and everything else in site!” I was just not in a calm, relaxed, let’s enjoy this moment together mood. You see, not only were my boys fed up with each other that day and trying so very, very hard to successfully piss the other one off, but also the store was packed with people and the aisles were full of extra bins leaving little wiggle room. Every step I took was, “Excuse me, I just need to squeeze by.” Yeah, it was a really awesome shopping experience, especially for someone like myself who does not like crowds. The whole back to school shopping experience had me irritable, impatient and well clearly, wanting to yell at my boys for no real reason!

Finally (thankfully!) we got to the last item on the list: black marble composition notebook. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. As we approached I noticed something I didn’t notice last year. There weren’t just black and white notebooks, there were colors. Yee haw! As my boys started the dig for red and green (why would they ever be on the top of the huge, gigantic, boxes?) my eye caught something else. An orange composition notebook. Well, you all know how my mind works. As in, it always thinkgs of The Orange Rhino Challenge and it often makes the oddest connections and makes no real logical sense! Here is a perfect example.

Orange composition notebook. Hum. Orange makes me think of The Orange Rhino Challenge. Hum. I could write in an orange notebook when I want to scream. Hum. Wait. What other back to school supplies are here that I could buy to help me keep from screaming over the next few weeks as we transition back to school and everyone is cranky and tired and not wanting to walk out the door? What do I need for my back to school backpack to help me learn? To help me practice not yelling?

Here is the list I came up with as my boys rummaged through the box looking for red and green notebooks. (I say rummage because we were late shopping and what mostly remained was yellow and black!)

1. No. 2 Pencils: Scribble out anger with a No 2. pencil instead of screaming out orders. Seriously. Try it. It is such a good release! Added bonus? Then erase the frustration away. Literally!

2. Composition Notebook: Tear out paper from a composition notebookand crumble it up instead of causing your child to crumble to the ground in tears. Or write down your anger on paper and then throw it out. It is all oddly satisfying.

3. Water bottle: Chug water from a water bottle so you swallow the yell and literally cool down. My kids are all instructed to bring a water bottle for their desk. Why shouldn’t I do the same? Instead of open mouth insert foot, open mouth insert water bottle (okay, straw, but you get the point!) When I have to swallow something, I have to slow down so I don’t you know, choke! Drinking slows me down and therefore calms me down. Well, except coffee. That can get me all sorts of revved up. Again, water bottle!

4. Post-It Notes: Yes, I know, this is an old one but honestly, it has worked for me since day one two years ago and it works for me now! Grab an orange Post-It note and write a love note to your child instead of yelling a mean message.  Last year I wrote love notes and put them in the lunch bags. It is amazing how just thinking positive thoughts can transform a mood instantaneously! You can also use those notes to postpone yells by sticking them up in high yelling zones (backpacks, car, door that leads to school) as a warm reminder to Yell Less and Love More. My house may or may not be decorated with orange post-it notes in two weeks when we are trying to get out of the door on time!

5. Orange Double Pocket Folder: Fill an orange double pocket folder with sheets of paper covered with favorite inspirational sayings to stay calm (I can yell less, I love my kids, I will send my kids to school with lunch and love not yells, I just need to stay cool until 8:15, that’s nothing!) as well as top tips to not yell that have worked for you (yelling into freezer, singing, talking to yourself.)

In case you are wondering, yes, I did pick up some back to school supplies for myself that day. They are currently stored in the “I will not think about school today because it is still summer” section of the dining room along with my boys’ supplies. But come 10 days from now, as we start to pack the backpacks, I will be pulling them out and placing them on the kitchen counter, ready for me to grab at any moment if the stress of the first day of school (week really!) gets to me.

As back to school is near and I am preparing to send my second son off to a new school, my stomach is in all sorts of knots. I just went back and re-read two posts from when I took my first son to the first day of Kindergarten because I knew they would somehow bring me comfort. They both did. This one though, well, it really reminded me how important it is to keep on being an Orange Rhino right now during the tough back to school season!!! 

211 days of not yelling, 154 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhino,

Um, I am failing to see the connection between not yelling and your post yesterday (read here) about your first three days of Kindergarten? You talk about feeling left behind and not wanting to let go but how the heck does that tie to the Challenge? Just curious.

Sincerely,
Yourself

*

Every once and a while I have a deep profound thought about how The Orange Rhino Challenge has positively impacted my life in a way I never expected. Tonight’s post about my son’s first day of Kindergarten attempts to express one of those thoughts.

As I watched my son walk away with someone else holding his hand, as I watched him leave me behind at the car to start a new part of his life, a new part where I couldn’t easily be a part of it like I could in pre-school, so many intense and conflicting emotions hit me at once that I truly hurt all over. I didn’t know what to feel, what to think, what to do but, well cry.

I was so overwhelmed with love and pride, oh how I love you sweet boy!

But also so overwhelmed with sadness, oh don’t leave me!

And so overwhelmed with disappointment, oh I didn’t cherish these young years enough!

The love and the sadness faded so quickly as the disappointment rolled in and took over my mind. Disappointment that my summer days filled with freedom to have strawberry daiquiris at our “beach” in the sandbox were over. Disappointment that my time with my son was going to start changing soon, that he was going to want to play with friends more and me less. That he was going to be with teachers more and me less. But the biggest disappointment, the one that hit me like a Mac truck? The disappointment in myself.

The disappointment that I had all summer and the 6 years prior to totally enjoy my son’s presence, to not have to really share him, and yet, I didn’t take advantage of that precious time, at least not to the extent I ever dreamed of or hoped for when I envisioned myself as a mom. Nope, much too much instead of appreciating him and appreciating OUR time together, I so often complained about him, about our time together.

Complaining that he doesn’t sleep well. Complaining that he is a picky eater. Complaining that his tantrums are unbearable. Complaining about this behavior or that behavior.

Complaining and yelling instead of loving.

Yes, in these last 6 years I have loved my son and I have enjoyed his presence but I am going to be honest. I could have enjoyed it more. I try not to regret decisions in my life, but right now there is a huge pang in my heart that I “slightly” regret not taking advantage of these last 6 years more. These early years were free of classes, teachers, homework, team practices and full of desire to be with me. Me. Me. Me. The days were full of opportunity to bond and now the days will be less full of opportunity to be with Me. Me. Me.

So yes, right now I wish that I had done my “to-do list” less, cleaned the house less, said go entertain yourself less, YELLED LESS and instead PLAYED MORE, LAUGHED MORE, SHARED MORE and LOVED my son more.

I know it is hard to enjoy every moment as a mom. Oh how I know!  I have 4 beautiful reminders that take turns showing me how hard motherhood is and inspire me to not want to play with them at numerous moments throughout the day due to their lovely antics. And oh how those antics make it hard to stay in the present and not dwell on the crap that comes with motherhood.

But today, today, oh how I wished I tried harder to complain less and enjoy more. Because then today as I dropped my son off at Kindergarten I wouldn’t be thinking “darnit, there he goes. These precious young, fleeting years are really starting to go behind me and I didn’t enjoy them enough because I was too busy complaining.”

Enter The Orange Rhino Challenge.

I am so grateful for it.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is forcing me to be more positive about my children because getting caught up in the crap well, makes me feel crappy and makes me yell. And when I am positive about them, get this, I feel more love and enjoy my time with them more.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is forcing me to be more present with my children because when I don’t, when I get caught up in my daily crap instead of caught up with them, I get snippy with them for “interrupting” me and get close to yelling. And when I am more present with them, get this, I have more fun with them and enjoy my time with them more.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is forcing me to be more patient and understanding with my children during massive meltdowns because when I am not, well, then I have to employ just about every of my 100 alternatives to yelling! And when I am more patient with them, get this, not only do I appreciate their struggles more but I also cherish the moment, and them, more.

Not yelling is helping ME take advantage of my time with my babies. It is helping me to enjoy their presence more. It is helping me to feel less regrets about the time I spend with them. Looking back, I might feel I have missed a lot of the last 6 years but at least this Challenge has helped me appreciate the last 211 days more. And I’ll take that. It’s a start. And I really hope it continues.

When I started this challenge in February I posted a question to people about how to be more present stating that I want to be more present with my kids, that I want to enjoy time my time with my kids more. People suggested several books. I haven’t read them yet, I haven’t had time.

Turns out I didn’t need them. I figured out one solution on my own. Not yelling.

I write all about how I successfully reduced the yelling in my life in my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” A 30-day guide with 100 alternatives to yelling, simple steps to follow and honest stories to inspire you on your own journey, “Yell Less, Love More” hits shelves this October. Pre-order it today though to guarantee the lowest price before launch! Click here to find your favorite online book retailer selling the book! 

Since Facebook didn’t want you all to see this, hahaha, I am sharing this post here because I think everyone can always use a good laugh, and well some tips to yell less!

“It’s been a tough week trying to not yell due to some personal stress. I was flipping through my book today and I saw these pictures from my photo shoot and I immediately started laughing and felt better. That is the intention of these photos – to make you laugh in the middle of the book when you are working hard and needing a boost. Actually, there is a lot of that in the book, laughter (or my attempts at it!) Learning to yell less doesn’t have to be all serious, it can be fun too! Just wait and see. Anywho, I hope this made you laugh today! These are just some of the photos by the way. I might just post more out takes because there are some GREAT ones. Thanks to Christine DeSavino Photography for rocking the photo shoot. Happy laughing…at me…and then hopefully happy not yelling! Remember, you can pre-order the book to guarantee the lowest price before it officially hits shelves and that you are one of the first with it when it comes out!”

I feel it.
I’m not talking about the cooler nights that tell me fall is near.
I am talking about the sadness, anxiety, and stress that come with back to school.

The sadness that the summer went by too fast, again, and that soon my boys and I won’t be playing outside in the gorgeous weather, but rather stuck inside while it snows, and snows, and snows.

The anxiety about whether or not my children will have good teachers, teachers that don’t just get the topics they have to teach, but also really, truly, deeply get my sons and their challenges and what particular needs they have in order to succeed and have a great year.

The stress of having a lot to do to get ready for school (the back to school clothes and supplies, the new routines to master, the scheduling of extra-curricular activities, the filling out of forms) and having to do a lot when school starts.

I feel it all.

But I am not the only one in my house who feels the sadness, anxiety and stress. My boys feel it too. I see it in the more frequent tears over small things. I see it in the strong complaints when I go to work. I see it in the increased temper tantrums. I see it in the refusal to go to bed because, “Well soon enough mom I have to go to bed earlier so I am not going to bed now.”

And I see it in our interactions.

I’m a little more on edge. They are a little more on edge. Together, we are a lot more on edge and as a result, oh has my desire to yell been through the roof (and eh hem, oh have they been yelling at me more!) Oh has my commitment to be an Orange Rhino, a parent who does not charge with words, but remains calm and loving when provoked, been tried lately! This of course is all quite sad because right now, I don’t want to be at odds with my boys, I want to be really savoring the last few weeks of our summer vacation!

I don’t want to find myself taking mommy-breaks every five minutes to stay cool; I want to be breaking water balloons in the backyard with my sons.

I don’t want to be shoving a yell down my throat, I want to be shoveling sand peacefully at the beach building an awesome last “structure” of the summer.

I don’t want to be debating bedtime; I want to be debating what was our favorite moment together that day.

I don’t want my “cold” emotions to determine my last few weeks of summer; I just want the cold temperatures in the fridge to make our homemade M&M’s ice cream freeze faster!

And I most certainly do not want to yell at my kids right now. I do not want to end summer on a bad note; I want to end it on a positive one. I do not want to send them off to school with the last summer memory being mommy yelling at them; I want it to be a happy moment.

Luckily, thanks to The Orange Rhino Challenge, which taught me to create plans for triggers so that I can enjoy more happy and peaceful moments with my kids, I have an idea how to end the summer on the note I wish. The key of course, will be keeping my game plan top of mind so my sadness, anxiety and stress don’t trigger me to yell! The first step is to write down my intentions. Here. Now. And then I will print them out and post them around the house to remind me of my goals for the next few weeks!

In order to Yell Less and Love More as we get ready for Back to School, I plan to:

1. Share my feelings with my kids and encourage them to do the same.
   Bottled up emotions don’t do anyone any good, adults and kids alike! They just fester and then burst out in not so good ways! I need to release them a bit and so do my kids. The challenge is that they probably don’t know how to acknowledge these tough emotions since they are still learning the whole world of emotions. I figure if I share my thoughts in an age appropriate manner, it will help them open up and release some of their feelings. Plus, I can share my positive spin on how I am managing it, i.e., “I am feeling sad the summer is over, but I am grateful for all the fun we had.” Maybe we’ll even draw their feelings or act them out. We love charades and coloring!
2. Focus on the positive.
   Oh how important this is and oh how I struggle with it. Right now I am seeing all the negative stuff about this time of year. I need to flip that around because negative thoughts create negative feelings, which well, can lead to yelling! Starting now I am going to focus on what an awesome summer it was; no more thinking is allowed about what we didn’t do on our summer “wish-list”, just thinking about what we did do this summer! And I am going to focus on how great a more solid routine will be for all of us, how great it will be for my kids to be back with friends, and how much we all love the fall and pumpkin picking. I will also encourage my kids to do the same.

3. Go to bed earlier.
   I too have been fighting bedtime! After the kids go to bed, I sit outside and soak in the peaceful summer night. This is great but then it pushes off what I need to do and, instead of going to bed when I need to, I stay up later. We all pay the price the next morning! A tired mommy equals a cranky mommy. A “more” rested mommy is a more fun and loving mommy.

4. Have lots and lots of tickle fights.
   When I feel the tension rising, despite my efforts put into the above, I will grab a munchkin and start a tickle fight. I always feel better when I laugh and when I hear my kids laugh. That is the fastest way to melt my heart and push all my worries to the back of my mind. And as Wayne Dyer says, “It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either.” Yes. I will choose to laugh!

Back to school always opens up the door for back-to-back-to-back yelling in our house. But it doesn’t have to. I am starting this year on a good note because, as a good school friend once told me when I went to school, “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” ― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

The Orange Rhino’s new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” shares more of my tips on handling different triggers. It is a 30-Day Guide to help others start their own journey to yell less and love more and includes easy steps to follow, 100 alternatives to yelling, and honest stories to inspire. It hits shelves this fall but can be pre-ordered now to guarantee the lowest price! Click here to get your copy and to start your journey to yelling less!

Welcome to the Share Your Story event: Childbirth – Your Stories
This post was written as part of the Share Your Story event hosted by Kids in the House. Our contributors have shared their stories, struggles, and wisdom about the unforgettable yet unpredictable event that is childbirth.

If you have been following me for a while, you know that this is the first time I have participated in an event like this. That said, I have wanted to write about my birth stories of my four boys for ages but never have. When this opportunity came to me it was the nudge I needed and I couldn’t resist. Plus, now you will know about how my four boys came into this world which is a great way to start knowing them before I officially introduce you to them in my book! That and well, unbeknowst to me, each birth story actually reflects one of the core lessons needed to help me stop yelling: Expected the Unexpected.  

* * * * *

During my Orange Rhino Challenge to not yell at my 4 boys for 365 days straight, I discovered that being fully open about my challenges with yelling not only helped me to feel more normal and less alone, but also helped others to feel the same. I share my Childbirth stories below to do the same. I have never been able to share some of these feelings because they were (and are) frowned upon. When I shared them, I was told to be fully grateful and positive for what I did have: healthy babies. And I was. And I am. But I also had other feelings that are okay to feel and necessary to share so that I can be healthy. Bottled up feelings don’t do anyone good!!  

For as long as I can remember, mostly to the fault of cheesy romance movies like Father of the Bride 2, I had high hopes that I would go into labor naturally. I pictured that I would just be going about my life someday, somewhere, and my water would break. I would call my husband all excited, he would come home from work or stop doing whatever it was he was doing and we would start tracking contractions together on the new stopwatch I was instructed to buy. Maybe we would even frantically run around trying to find my overnight bag and every last item we were told to bring to the hospital (warm socks, colorful pillowcase, a special object to focus on during delivery.) And when it was time, we would rush to the hospital together saying, “Oh my gosh! Can you believe this? It’s happening!!!”  Yep, I am totally a hopeless romantic type and nope none of above ever happened.

It didn’t happen with my first pregnancy, or my second, or my third, or my fourth for that matter. And each time my idealized scenario didn’t happen, even though I knew the likelihood was that it wouldn’t and that I was lucky to be pregnant and to have a healthy baby, I still I found myself more disappointed than I would have expected.

My First Childbirth: Well Overdue Baby

Lets get this show on the road!

I was induced at 42 weeks because my body was nowhere near delivering. Like nowhere at all. Even though I started having contractions en route to the hospital the night before my scheduled induction, the doctor still insisted on an induction because she was concerned that I wouldn’t progress far enough. I was massively disappointed; a planned birth felt so anti-climatic. There was no anticipation just, “okay, check in at 7 and the meds will start the next morning.” Where is the fun and excitement in that?

Even though I was “supposed” to be all cheerful at the anticipation of my first child, and a majority of the time I was, during the last week of pregnancy, I actually found myself quite jealous of all my friends who experienced the spontaneous joy of a natural delivery, and on the last day I felt quite sad that I would be missing out on a ritual that so many women experience. I knew I was about to gain something incredible and yet I couldn’t deny the immense sense of loss I felt. To this day, eight years later, I still have that pang of loss every once and a while when I hear an exciting birth story closer to what I imagined for myself.

My Second Childbirth: Preeclampsia Precautions

All feelings of sadness aside though, I became a mom again and couldn’t stop smiling,

I was induced at 40 weeks because my blood pressure skyrocketed and my doctor had medical concerns. You see, that morning my new babysitter texted me and quit because of health reasons (read: I don’t want to take care of two kids under two.) My first son was just 19 months old and we had been living in our new town for just a few months and had no real friends. She was to be my on-call childcare 24/7 starting that day since my parents lived six hours away. Needless to say, of course my heart rate went through the roof from stress and panic…and went even higher when I was ordered to the hospital for an emergency induction and instructed to find immediate childcare for my toddler.

I showed up at the hospital in tears, my toddler in tow, and called all my “new” barely acquaintances to see if they could come hang with my older son until my husband could arrive. Not exactly how I anticipated separating from my toddler before he became not my only son, but my one of two sons. Not exactly how I anticipated, or wanted, my second delivery to go either. I am crying now at the loss of that moment; I had expectations of a sweet, prolonged, “I love you so much” goodbye. Instead he was basically whisked away from me as I was rushed to the heart monitors. I cried as I walked away from my son, disappointed, sad and angry that our goodbye blew and that another not naturally induced labor awaited.

My Third Childbirth: Safe Delivery

Here we go again! 3rd belly shot before induction. It was a beautiful, beautiful day to welcome a baby into this world.

Come my third pregnancy, I hit 41 weeks and did start having painful contractions every three to four minutes – but they did nothing and my doctors began to worry that they would suddenly kick in and my third son would just suddenly come out as fast as my first two. With my first pregnancies, my body didn’t respond at all to the induction and then I would scream, discover that I went from 3 cm to 9 cm in 20 minutes, be instructed by my doctor to not laugh, sneeze, move, squeeze until everything was in place, and then I would push twice and pop! Out came my son. No joke. Even though those pregnancies were induced and this one could be natural, I lived 20 minutes from the hospital and had two children to make childcare arrangements for. None of us wanted to take the risk that my sons would deliver their brother, so an induction was scheduled.

This induction was tough as I knowingly planned something that would disappoint me. But by this time I was accustomed to the feelings of loss and disappointment and focused on the more exciting aspect of a planned induction: I got to pick the his birthday this time and being a math nerd, I picked an “almost” palindrome of 09/22/09. That and well this time, I got to say goodbye to my two older sons on my terms, as I wished, as I expected.

My Fourth Childbirth: Breeched Baby
I still held the secret wish and expectation that my fourth and last labor would be as I imagined. But, despite all my praying and pleading and hoping, at 37 weeks my son still remained breached and unless he moved, a C-section would be necessary. After experiencing and fully enjoying three vaginal deliveries (there is just something so amazing about pushing your child into this world,) the idea of a C-section devastated me beyond words. I told my husband I refused to let that happen. Period.

So I tried all the tricks in the book to get him to move. The ear phones against the belly, the sleeping on one side, the this, the that. None of it worked. What did work though? Driving to the hospital for a scheduled “flip” at 37 weeks. No joke, en route, I felt an immense pain. He had flipped on his own! It was flippin’-fantastic!

That said, at my 40-week appointment it was clear that even though he had flipped, his head wasn’t 100% down and there was a small chance that he could get to a position that would make naturally delivery extremely hard given the size of his gargantuan head. So we chose another induction because at that point, that felt less of a disappointment than a C-section. Way less. And it was. By the fourth go around, the induction felt like a blessing, a gift, the best option in the world to me compared to the alternatives.   Maybe the fourth induction felt much more okay because of the circumstances.

Or maybe I accepted it because after five years of parenting I had finally started to embrace the very important parenting lesson being repeatedly taught to me with every induction: things with kids simply do not go as planned. Expect the unexpected and be pleasantly surprised (or be woefully disappointed and so frustrated that you find yourself yelling more than you like!)

Or maybe it felt okay because the previous childbirths had hammered home a very important point that I got to (get to) live each and every day. A lot of dreams, and hopes, and expectations, and not just about naturally induced labors, didn’t get met during my pregnancy and childbirth journeys. But one did. The most important one.

I became a mom.
I. Became. A. Mom.  

Each time one of my sons was born and I heard his cry, a cry that immediately connected me to him in a way that I just can not begin to explain, and then I held him in my arms and found myself falling in love faster than I knew possible, the sadness, disappointment, loss and jealously I felt intensely for the last few days, melted away. It no longer mattered to me how my son came into my life, because he did. And I was a mom. A mom who had dreamed and imagined how much love she would feel when her child was born; a mom who felt love in a way that she never, ever could have expected.