211 days without yelling, 154 days of loving more to go!

Dear the only orange box in the classroom,

I can’t believe of all the places to be in my son’s Kindergarten classroom you are directly above his name on his cubby. He knows orange is my new favorite color and every time he sees orange he thinks of me. So thank you for being there, in my place, today and everyday the rest of the year.I know you are just a box but to my son, when he is missing me, you will be a great reminder to him that I love him and will be picking him up soon.

xoxo,
Mommy Orange Rhino

*

I have started kindergarten three times now. And each time has had the same result: tears from being left behind.

My first day was September 1981. I was 3. My older brother was 5. It was his first day really, but it was my first day without my best friend home with me. I distinctly remember leaving him and bursting into tears as I walked back up the driveway with just my mom. By the time she entered the house I was a full on mess. My face was hot and sticky, my dress was covered in slobber and I had already thrown myself in a heap on the ground at least twice. My mom had tried to soothe me but there are only so many words that can make one feel better when their best friend leaves them behind. So she went inside and lovingly told me she was there when I was ready to come in. Alone. Finally, I gave in. I opened the metal screen door with my trembling arms and took one step then another step in. But I was too weak and too upset to open the door wide enough to guarantee that the spring on the door wouldn’t slam shut on me as I stepped inside.

OUCH!!!! More tears commenced as the metal door nailed the back of my foot, ripping off all the skin. Blood oozed out faster than my tears.

I was a mess. Inside and out.

My second first day of Kindergarten was September 1983. I was 5 and a half. This was my OFFICIAL first day of Kindergarten. I don’t remember much except for walking in with my mom and standing at the big door to the classroom and refusing to go in. I hid behind my mother as the big booming and intimidating voice of my teacher told me rather briskly and without any intonation of love “Orange Rhino, it is time to let go of your mother’s hand and be a big girl now.”

OUCH!!! More tears commenced as she took my hand and led me away leaving my mom at the door.

I was a mess. Inside and out.

And then I heard the sweetest voice ever. It was that of a 1^st grader named Kathryn. She was sitting at circle time with a big purple pillow that was as cozy looking as she clearly felt.

“Orange Rhino, why don’t you come sit next to me? I’ll share my pillow with you.”

To this DAY I can still tell you exactly what that pillow looked like and exactly how Kathryn looked and sounded. Isn’t it amazing how one kind gesture can stay with you a lifetime?

And my third first day of Kindergarten was, well today. September 6, 2012. I am 34 and a half. My son is almost 6. It is his first official day of Kindergarten, my first official day as a mom of a Kindergartener. He’s been dreading this day since the last day of pre-school. I’ve been dreading it since the day he was born I think. Because I know what first days of Kindergarten contain: tears and being left behind.

And that is what I dreaded today.

Being left behind.

By one of my best companions, my oldest son.

For all the complaining I do about how long the days are, how hard they are, how hard he can be, he is the greatest little companion a mom could ask for. He asks great questions, makes heartfelt proclamations, laughs in a way that eases all pain, and shares so many of my interests. And oh how I didn’t want him to start the journey of “real school” where he spends more time in school than he does with me. Oh how I didn’t want to accept that it was the beginning of letting go. The beginning of him being more confident in himself, the beginning of him loving me still, but needing me a little less. It is a great beginning for him, I know, but still a hard one to grasp.

So no, I didn’t want him to go to Kindergarten today. I wanted to hold on to this summer forever. I wanted to keep him young and home forever. And yet I knew I couldn’t. I knew I had to let go, I had to let him grow without me. And so I drove him to Kindergarten against my will. I put on a brave face so he didn’t sense that I was sad that we were being separated. I put on a smile so he was excited and not nervous. I assured him I would see him soon so he knew that I will ALWAYS LOVE HIM and will ALWAYS be there for him even as he grows and becomes more independent.

We pulled up to the front door and the teacher opened the door. He got out more gracefully than I ever expected, waved good bye, said “I love you mommy” and then BAM. The door slammed shut as harshly as it did thirty-one years ago.

OUCH!!! The tears finally commenced.  OH did they commence. I bawled like I did on my first day of Kindergarten in 1981. And in 1983.

I was a mess inside and out.

I bawled because I was left behind, again.
I bawled because I was so proud of him for finding the courage to do something he was afraid of.
I bawled because he showed confidence that he didn’t have a year ago.
I bawled because it was beyond clear that my first baby was growing up.
I bawled because I had to let go.

I bawled because I love him so.

Wondering what this has to do with Yelling? Lots. Have a read tomorrow night! 

207 days without yelling, 158 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I am at my breaking point! My baby is teething and hasn’t stopped fussing since 630. My 3 year old hasn’t stopped whining since the same time. My insomniac 4 year old has been up since 4 am and is bouncing between the walls when excited and the floor when exhausted.  And my 6 year old is so anxious about Kindergarten that he is going between bawling and asking the same questions over and over about Kindergarten. Everyone needs me and I am having a hard time keeping it together! Does anyone have any strength or patience to spare? If so, please send it to me!

Many thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*

Quite frankly, sometimes, four kids is too much to handle. And it gets to me. Like really gets to me. And I find myself ready to scream because I just can’t handle the intensity of four needy children at once. Especially when I have my own crap going on. Like not sleeping well either because I too am nervous, and sad, as in wicked nervous and wicked sad, that Kindergarten is starting. Like feeling anxious about some health issues going on in my family. Like feeling worried about some adult challenges and changes facing me right now.

Yeah, I kind of have a lot on my mind trying to keep it together amidst 4 crying/screaming/emotional kiddos wears on me. I just want to scream ENOUGH! Enough of the bad news. Enough of the change. Enough of the worrying. Enough of not feeling I am a good enough mom, a good enough person, a good enough friend. Enough of the CHAOS, mental and literal!!! I just need some peace and quiet.

This morning if I didn’t get some peace and quiet, I was gonna lose it. And I mean full on, full throttle, out right, bloody lose it. I was going to go absolutely bat shit at my four kids. And I didn’t want to go there because I knew it wouldn’t be just a yell. It would be a raging scream where my face turns bright red. It would be the release of all the crazy pent up emotion I am feeling and it would be the size of the angst I am feeling. Nope, I definitely did NOT want to unleash that on my kids.

How did I know it was going to be that big? I felt my heart racing. My palms were sweating and the cold water wasn’t cooling me down. I was snapping left and right at silly things. I just felt like I was going to burst. Truly.

So I did what I could do. I put the baby to nap a few minutes early and I sent the other three boys to the basement to play without supervision. I knew this was a risk. A gigantic one. I knew it meant tears would ensue and that every toy bin would be turned upside down and it would look like a war zone but I determined that was a better option than mommy losing it.

And then I went to my computer. And I wrote to you all. And I immediately, and I mean IMMEDIATELY, felt the angst slowly release. Why is that? How does that work? Truly I think just going to my Orange Rhino Facebook Page reminded me of my commitment  to love my kids more, it reminded that I can do it. That I WANT to not yell. I pressed “Post” and perspective found me.

I needed to find love with my kids. I wasn’t angry at them or with them. I was just overwhelmed with emotion and I was keeping it inside, again. I was playing this little silly game of “let’s see how long I can pretend nothing is on my mind, let’s see how long I can be in denial of some big things on my mind, let’s see how long I can put on a show that I am all pulled together but really I am unraveling second by second before I explode.”

Yeah, totally stupid game. I NEVER WIN.

At that moment, all I needed was a hug. Just some reassurance that it will all be okay, that I will get through this overwhelming moment in my life. And I knew just the place to find it.

I headed downstairs to the warzone.

“What’s supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? And why do you need a hug? We’re busy!”

“Never mind super blah blah blah. Bad choice of words. I am cranky and need to snap out of it, how is that for an answer?”

“Oh, okay.”

I kick some legos to the left, some blocks to the right, some costumes towards the wall and some balls behind me to make room on the basement floor and plop a squat almost as ungracefully as I handled the morning.

#2 ran towards me and squeezed me hard. The tension started to fade. Then #3 snuggled into my lap and being the little Casanova that he is, he put his hand on my face and gave me a kiss on the lips. And last but not the least #1 ran over and jumped on me from behind, wrapping both his legs and his arms around me, squeezing my tension out and making sure it was gone by saying “We love you mommy.”

And I felt better. Not 100% but better. And then you all posted words of encouragement every few hours and I felt even better. And I made it through the day.

Thank you…

200 days of not yelling, 165 days of loving more to go!
(So this was written days ago but my computer wasn’t feeling the love until now….)

Dear Orange Rhinos,

200 days.

2.0.0. days. Wow. That’s a lot of days not yelling. A lot of moments not yelling. I should have started off the day ecstatic, jumping for joy. But to be honest, I started the day pretty bleh about the potential achievement.

Until I saw this.

“(name) Mom Love.” An Orange Rhino. For me. Just for me. I might not make it to 365 days but I will ALWAYS know that my almost 6 year old son believed in me. And that we shared this moment. And that makes this Challenge worth it.

And this.

My 4 years old’s own Orange Rhino sign (he traced the one I made for him to hold up when I got cranky). See below.

And finally, this.

My Orange breakfast to “make you smile mommy.” Carrots, gold fish and Vitamin Water I keep in case I want to yell.

Really? My boys did this all on their own without daddy’s help? I was flabbergasted. For everything I feel I am doing wrong as a mom, for one MOMENT, three really, I realized, holy sh*t, I am actually doing something right. In taking on this challenge, I am teaching my kids to support someone going after a goal, a dream. I am teaching my kids to be MORE LOVING.

Oh wait, there is more.

This conversation summed the morning up:

“Mommy, what’s wrong?”

“Well #1 I called the local radio statio today to tell them about 200 days and The Orange Rhino Challenge Day. You see, someone did that on Day 100 and it made me really happy so I thought today I would try to do the same.”

“Did you get on the radio?”

“Kind of. I talked to the DJ but didn’t get on the radio.”

“Oh, you didn’t win the contest?” (He thinks everyone who calls the radio is trying to win a contest.)

“No, I didn’t win.”

SILENCE. I can see the gears turning.

“But mommy, didn’t you already WIN because of The Orange Rhino gifts we gave you. Right?”

Oh. My. God. YES! Yes, yes, yes my sweet son! Why did it take my 6 year old to put things in perspective for me? Why did it take him to teach me to be grateful for what I do have instead of being sad for what I didn’t get? Because kids are pretty darn amazing, that’s why.

My son is totally right.

I already have won.

Because we had THAT Moment.  A moment that will be a memory of mine forever. That I will cherish forever. That I will tell my grandchildren some day when I am talking to them about their daddy.

And that moment happened all because I didn’t yell “GOSH DARNIT YOU KNOW YOU DON’T GO DOWNSTAIRS WITHOUT ME!!!” when I heard #1, #2, and #3 running downstairs early this morning before they had a chance to tell me “we’re doing something special for you.”

All because I didn’t yell “OH MY GOSH STOP!” when I heard things falling out of the fridge while I was changing a diaper because I knew in their heart of hearts they were just trying to do something nice.

All because I didn’t yell “WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING? CLEAN UP THAT MESS!” when I saw the entire cupboard of plates being emptied in search of just the orange plates because I knew it would crush their hearts.

All because I didn’t yell I received those beautiful gifts from my boys, I received that moment, that precious memory.

And that is what The Orange Rhino Challenge is about. It’s about LOVING MORE so I can have MORE LOVING MOMENTS.  Sure, when I look back at the end of my 365 days I am going to be proud that I went 365 days without yelling but what I am going to remember and truly cherish are moments like today. Moments where I let my relationships with my sons became that much more special because I didn’t yell.  

So if you are taking the challenge and feeling defeated because you can’t go a day or longer or meet a goal you have set for yourself, think about at least ONE loving moment you have had because you didn’t yell. Cherish that one moment, that memory that you will have forever. I KNOW you all have at least one moment where you Loved More and Yelled Less. Be grateful for that moment because no one can take it away. And be excited for the future when you will have MORE of those Loving Moments because they will come.  They will come. They will come.

I have had a lot more Loving Moments these last 200 days and for that I am grateful. In fact, because my life has been filled with more love and less anger, I am finding myself not only a happier person but also one who wants to give more to others .

So in honor of The 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day, despite my pledge to donate only if 200 people participated, I am STILL going to donate $200.00 to Habitat for Humanity. I want to create a happy moment for someone else, just as my son did for me this morning and just as you all do for me whenever you read something I write and indirectly support me in my promise to my kids. This Challenge has given me so much – you all have given me so much – it is only right to give back somehow.

Thanks for reading,
The Orange Rhino

199 days without yelling, 166 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I said it before and I’ll say it again. I am NOT an expert on how not to yell. I am not a therapist. I don’t have a background in childhood behavior. And I don’t read books and books on end telling me how not to yell. Nope, I have no credentials whatsoever on this topic. No extra letters next to my name, well except for M.O.M.M.Y. Mom On (a) Mission to Master (not) Yelling! On the eve of the 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day I thought I would share with you the top 50 things embarrassing, emotional, and well, outright obvious things I have done lately to “master” not yelling. Have a laugh with me, or at me, and maybe even be inspired to try not to yell too! Enjoy!  

Fun Alternatives (Added bonus: you all end up laughing and new, better behavior is obtained!):
1)   Play hide ‘n seek. You hide. They seek (a fun game can snap anyone out of it)
2)   Put funny glasses on and “look” through their eyes  (they laugh, you find empathy )
3)   Give a High Five (The “slap” and touch of their hands slaps you out of desire to yell)
4)   Try to do a somersault (makes you laugh and maybe even pee your pants. Nope. I have never had that problem after delivering 4 kids.)
5)   Speak in a Robot voice (makes kids stop and look at you and wonder, who is she?!)
6)   Start Playing with the kids or do what they are doing (makes you CHILL OUT and realize they are JUST kids and maybe they are on to something?)

If you can’t beat them…join them! So they took the watermelon out without asking. So they starting eating it like pigs. Guess what? Watermelon was just what a needed that hot afternoon!

7)   Grab children and hug them (it just feels good all over for everyone!)
8)   Start doing “crab walks” (entertaining and exercise releases good chemicals or something like that!)
9)   Start coloring (calming and fun and wicked huge bonus: inspires kids to join you instead of punching each other
10)  Bang a pot or pan (releases anger and gets kids involved in new activity)
11)  Start running in place (adrenaline boost for you and kids who follow suit!)
12)  Run over and tickle child you want to yell at (laughter does the body good)
13)  Drop to the floor and pretend you are hurt (rest does wonders and makes kids come “attack you” I mean check you out with doctor’s kit.)
14)  Go read 50 Shades of Grey (did I just write that?! Next subject. Blush. Blush.)
15)  Whistle. Loudly. (helps you focus on breathing)
16)  Hum. Even louder than whistle (really annoys kids and gets them to change from yelling to telling you to stop!)

Yummy Alternatives:
17) Keep orange snacks in purse (chewing something is way better than yelling)

Purse basics: Wallet, Phone, Wipes, Notebook for coloring AND orange snacks to chew so I don’t yell!

Gum and Tic Tacs. Added bonus to gum? The sound of chewing blocks out kids yelling…

18)  Pop some orange M&M’s into mouth (chocolate is a great mood changer)!
19)  Eat frozen grapes and pretend kids are sleeping and the grapes are wine (okay, it’s a stretch but reaching into freezer snapped me out of my moods!)
20)  Eat a carrot or an apple (fabulous way to crunch out stress and orange carrots great reminder of commitment not to yell!)

“Only if it is Safe to do so” Alternatives (which in my house is hardly ever):
21)  Sit down and “watch” the circus to gain perspective and to laugh (wait is my house the only one like a circus?)
22)  Put ear buds in and zone out to music for a minute (gain perspective, relax)
23)  Close your eyes and put your head in hands in disbelief. Nope I have NEVER done this either. As if. (another chance to pull it together quietly and to laugh at yourself!)
24)  Open a window or two or three and breathe in fresh air (kids laugh, is she a dog?!)
25)  Close eyes and picture yourself on a beach, a really really really quiet beach where no one asks you to do something. Oh, and picture a daiquiri in hand and imagine waking up at 10. Or 11. Snap out of it Orange Rhino! You need to keep writing. Darnit…I was really happy in my happy place…

“Stress Relief” Alternatives (in other words, pretend you are at a spa):
26)  Splash cold water on your face (snaps you right out of bad mood)
27)  Put a warm wash cloth on your neck (ah…relaxation)
28)  Light a candle, ideally an orange or pretty smelling one (gets kids attention…what are you doing? and relaxes your mood)

Notice my candle is by the sink filled with dishes? Yup my candle normally gets lit at meal time….

29)  Use aromatherapy lotion on hands instead of slamming a door in frustration (massage and smell are relaxing)
30)  Drink a glass of water. Resist the urge to throw it if annoying behavior is still going on! (cools you down and forces you to take a breath. Or two. )
31)  Think how things could be worse (gain perspective. yes he’s on the table, but at least he isn’t swinging from the chandelier. Yet.)
32)  Grab play-doh and squeeze really, really hard (don’t forget to share it when kids want it back!)
33)  Go through yelling motions but don’t let voice out (shocks kids and yourself that you didn’t do it, releases endorphins from pride!)

“You’ll think I am cheesy” Alternatives:
34)  Say out loud “Serenity Now.”
35)  Say out loud “They are just kids and I love them.”
36)  Say out loud “I want to love my kids more, not less.”
37)  Call a family council meeting and have everyone sit criss- cross applesauce, decide on a new activity together. (forces kids to stop and think and therefore BE quiet, like in school.)
38)  Look at TV and pretend there is a hidden camera. (fear of judgment will shove the yell right back down your throat…)
39)  Smile (rumor has it if you fake it, you’ll feel it?! it’s worked wonders over here.)
40)  Cry. Yup cry. Show your kids you are frustrated. (brings out empathy from kiddos)
41)  Say positive thoughts out loud (forces you to see good and therefore to be kind)
42)  Pull out family photo album (takes everyone to a happy, smiley place)
43)  Tell your kids how you feel (gets concern and teaches them to express feelings!)

“I don’t know how to categorize” Alternatives:
44)  Put a finger over mouth in shhh position (creates physical barrier to yelling)
45)  Ring a bell like pre-school teachers (casts a magical spell on kids)
46)  Look at this cheat sheet! (gives you ideas or makes you laugh?!)
47)  If help is around, tag out. (gives you a well-deserved break!)

Preventive Alternatives (surround yourself with reminders that you don’t want to yell):
48) Paint your nails orange (reminds you every morning to be warm and composed and yes, I am this committed to this Challenge that I did this. What can I say, it was a hard week!)

I need all the reminders I can get!!!

49)  Dress your kids in orange (a totally in your face reminder, great at big, busy, stressful public places)

50)  Post pictures you love of kids in problem areas (forces you to fall in love all over again)

Kids out of bed…again? Put a picture of them as a sweet baby on the door. It’s hard to yell when you see an innocent picture of them!

 
51)  Drink from an Orange Straw (simply reminds you of the color orange, feelings of warmth!)

52) Log on to www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino when you feel the “yell” bubble rising (releases tension by typing, so long as you don’t break keyboard, and helps you find support).

So there you have it. 50 new things I have done in addition to the other 50 I did in the first 100 days (read here). It hasn’t been easy. WHOA NO it hasn’t been. But it’s been worth all the hard work and patience and creativity because my kids are worth it. They deserve me to try my best to treat them with more love and less yelling!

I hope you got a good laugh and are inspired to join me tomorrow for just one day of not yelling. Join me in the 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge day on Wednesday August 29^th!

For more details on The Orange Rhino Challenge click here. For more details on what The Orange Rhino is click here. For how to participate in the Challenge tomorrow and help contribute to Habitat for Humanity…click here or read below!

***

How to Participate in The 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day on WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2012

1) Get 3-5 friends to take this ONE DAY challenge with you by sharing this blog post and making a pact to do it together. 

2) “Post” your name to show your participation and so people beyond your friends can support you! On the morning of August 29^th check in one of four ways:
– Post at The Orange Rhino Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino)
– Comment on Thursday mornings Blog Post at www.TheOrangeRhino.com
– Email me at theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com
– Tweet me at ORchallenge.

At the end of the day, Post AGAIN to say how the day went. For every participant I will donate $1.00 to Habitat for Humanity up to $200. Read here for explanation!

3) Increase your Support Network by Changing your FB Profile picture to The Orange Rhino Challenge

4) Find Support and Give Support all day by logging on to your method of communication. 

5) Read some of these posts to inspire you to succeed and to give you ideas on how to!

https://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/ (definition of yelling per this challenge)
https://theorangerhino.com/why-i-yelled-at-my-kids/ (big inspiration to try)
https://theorangerhino.com/50-alternatives-to-yelling-at-your-kids/ (ideas on how not to yell)
https://theorangerhino.com/orange-rhino-mommy/ (my favorite source of help not yelling) https://theorangerhino.com/you-never-know/ (inspirationto try)
https://theorangerhino.com/why-the-big-tears/ (way not to yell, inspiration)
***Check back in tomorrow night for a new 50 alternatives to yelling!
It’s that simple. Take a chance. You might just surprise yourself. I know I did!

“You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

GOOD LUCK!

MARK your calendars!
TELL your friends!
FACEBOOK it!
BLOG it!
TWEET it!
PIN it!

Whatever you do just SHARE (this post) with your friends, your family, your co-workers, and maybe even the barista at Starbucks and the clerk in the grocery store that this

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2012 is the 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day!
A day where we all try to go without yelling at our kids!
A day where we all love our kids more!
A day where I will donate $1.00* per person who participates to Habitat for Humanity (*details below)

Think it can’t be done? Think you can’t go a day? You CAN DO IT. I never, in a thousand worlds thought I could go a day. Or 10. Or 100. Or even 200. But here I am two days away from celebrating 200 days of not yelling, proof that it can be done!

Has it been hard and taken a few tries? Yes.
Has it been worth it? HECK YEAH!
Should you give it a try? Double heck yeah!!!

Why? Because there is only upside! There is the chance you can feel what I have felt from this experience: exhilaration, pride, less guilt, more calm, and lots ‘o joy!

Intrigued? Ready to try out The Orange Rhino Challenge for JUST ONE DAY? Here’s how you can participate THIS WEDNESDAY:

1) Get 3-5 friends to take this ONE DAY challenge with you by sharing this blog post and making a pact to do it together.
Having support will help you make it through the day. Text each other and support each other when you want to yell. This is how I survived my first week pre-blog! Plus the accountability of them knowing your goal works wonders!

2) “Post” your name to show your participation and so people beyond your friends can support you! On the morning of August 29^th check in one of four ways:
– Post at The Orange Rhino Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino)
– Comment on Thursday mornings Blog Post at www.TheOrangeRhino.com
– Email me at theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com
– Tweet me at ORchallenge.

At the end of the day, Post AGAIN to say how the day went.

3) Increase your Support Network by Changing your FB Profile picture to The Orange Rhino Challenge image to spread the word and to get people asking you about what you are doing further getting you support! It’s amazing how people rooting for you can really help. Go to the BUTTON picture in the right column of my blog and Save As. Then upload it to FB as your profile picture. Or Save this image:

Make me your FB profile picture this Wednesday!

4) Find Support and Give Support all day by logging on to your method of communication. Feel like yelling? Yell at me. Need advice on how to survive the day? Ask the community. Want encouragement? Seek it from us. This is a day for all parents who want to be Orange Rhinos, who want to be parents who have the energy and determination to forge ahead and parent with more composure and warmth and without the yelling, to support each other.

5) Read some of these posts to inspire you to succeed and to give you ideas on how to succeed!

https://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/
(definition of yelling per this challenge)

https://theorangerhino.com/why-i-yelled-at-my-kids/ (big inspiration to try)

https://theorangerhino.com/50-alternatives-to-yelling-at-your-kids/
(ideas on how not to yell)

https://theorangerhino.com/orange-rhino-mommy/ (my favorite source of help not yelling)

https://theorangerhino.com/you-never-know/ (inspiration to try)

https://theorangerhino.com/why-the-big-tears/ (way not to yell, inspiration)

***Check back in tomorrow night at www.TheOrangeRhino.com for a new 50 alternatives to yelling!

It’s that simple. Take a chance. You might just surprise yourself. I know I did!

“You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

*

I’ve gotten so much out of this Challenge and from the support from all of the other Orange Rhinos that it is time to give back. FOR EVERY PERSON that participates by “posting” I will DONATE $1.00 per person up to $200 to Habitat for Humanity. Why Habitat? Well, if it weren’t for my being able to do home improvements to my house, I would never have had the Epiphany (https://theorangerhino.com/the-epiphany/) that started this Challenge in the first place. And if it wasn’t for my Epiphany I never would have experienced these feelings:

1. Exhilaration & Pride – Knowing that I can find other ways to communicate, that I can do something hard is exhilarating. When I walk away from a moment without yelling I truly get a natural high from feeling good about myself (which by the way is often hard to achieve as a mom)! Added bonus? Pride from knowing that I am teaching my kids how to positively handle a situation and that I am loving them more, not less!

2. Less Guilt – Mama guilt be gone! There are so many things I wish I did better as a mom. But the biggest one, wishing I didn’t yell, has been removed. I no longer feel guilty about being a yeller because I am not one. The weight that has been lift is beyond freeing. It’s amazing.

3. More Calm – Yelling always raised my blood pressure and got me even more agitated than my current state. (Okay, well I don’t know if it did for sure but based on my bright red face am my racing heart I am going to assume it did). Not raising my voice has done wonders for how I physically feel!

4. Lots and lots ‘o Joy – Not yelling has forced me to be nicer. Period. This has led to many more loving moments with my boys because I am forced to be more empathetic, patient and loving with them. Added bonus? They are also more loving towards me now! I feel SO MUCH BETTER about myself as a parent and I know my kids feel so much better about me as a mom. It’s a win win, it’s joy all around! Add in feeling calmer and “lighter” and I find that I really am enjoying their company more.

Right now you’re probably thinking, yeah, this is all great but is all the Energy, Patience and Hard Work that one puts into not yelling worth it? Yes.

Besides the obvious reasons about how not yelling is better for my children, there is one benefit I never expected. My life feels richer now. I know it sounds hokey, trust me, I know. I am the first person to call something hokey. But it is true.

Because now that I am not yelling, I have shared some truly remarkable moments with my kids that I know wouldn’t have happened pre-challenge because I would have been too busy yelling at them. Like when I found my son in my bed after bedtime. I wanted to scream because I was so done with the day. But instead I asked him, What is going on? And he replied,

“Mommy, will you love me when I go to heaven? Mommy, will love me when you go to heaven?”

This heart wrenching but wonderful conversation never would have happened if I were still yelling. This is just one of the many moments gained from not yelling. Who knows, maybe you’ll have one on Wednesday?

So just try it. It took me just 1 day of not yelling at kids to realize that while hard, YES I COULD learn to not yell at them. And so you can you.

www.TheOrangeRhino.com
www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
I can’t yell for 365 days…but I can still pick my nose! 

194 days without yelling, 171 days of loving more to go!

Dear #2,

I love you so. Oh how I love you.I love your snuggles, your kisses, your laughter. I love the stories you tell with such gusto, I love the excuses you give with such conviction. I love the zest you have for life, the carefree attitude you embrace. It’s great that you can be so relaxed, but sometimes, oh sometimes how I wish you cared a little more about consequences. Like last week for example. Remember dear child of mine when you threw sand on someone three times despite timeouts and chats with me? Remember how that led to your friend not wanting to play with you and mommy subsequently becoming embarrassed by your behavior, frustrated by your behavior and therefore primed for losing it? Remember how it ended?  Yeah, those consequences weren’t so pretty were they? I can’t say it enough. I’m sorry. I do love you, you know that right?
BIG hugs and kisses,
Mommy Orange Rhino

*

I did something not nice.

Like, really not nice.

Like, not nice in a way that has me thinking I need to change the rules to The Orange Rhino Challenge (at least for me).

After my 4 year old son threw sand on friends for the third time, I said:

“This is why you don’t have any friends.”

Ah, cringe. This happened a week ago and I still cringe ALL OVER.

I didn’t yell it. I didn’t even use a firm, loud voice. I used a matter of fact voice. And perhaps, that made it even worse. Because it came out not sounding frustrated or angry. It didn’t come out sounding like I just lost it for a moment, like it was an accident.

It came out sounding calculated. Intentional.

It was supposed to come out intentional and helpful, as in teaching a lesson, pointing out the facts.

But instead it came out HURTFUL.

One look at my son’s beautiful eyes that now looked lost and glazed over and I knew that I had hurt his feelings. I knew that what I had said had gone deep, that it had hit home in a way a 4 year old shouldn’t ever feel. As my words really sunk in, my son stopped dead in his tracks, his sad eyes locked on my face with a look of scared anticipation of what is she going to say next? What is she going to do next?, and then he burst into tears and ran away telling me I wasn’t nice. That he didn’t love me anymore. That I was a mean mommy.

And he was right.

I wasn’t an Orange Rhino mommy at that point, not by my standards. I know my rules are set up to be about how loud one’s voice is, about what tone it takes. That nice tones and quiet tones are the goal. But in this situation, I met both of the goals and yet the words I spoke were still MEAN and LOUD, perhaps even more so than if I had yelled at him to just STOP. When setting up the Orange Rhino Challenge rules I missed a big point:

It isn’t just the tone and the volume I use when I speak that matters, it is also THE WORDS that matter.

At the end of the day, my words, even if quiet and calm, hurt my son. I could have sung them, whispered them, said them in another language, or said them while standing upside down on my head and they still would have hurt my son’s feelings.  At the end of the day, even if my words followed “my rules” because I remained quiet, they still had the same impact as yelling: they took a hit at my son’s self confidence, they took a hit at his trust in me.

I could sit here and write that yes, what I said was warranted; that it was okay, that he deserved it. I could sit here and write that yes, he needed to learn a lesson, that he needed to learn the connection between his behavior and why people don’t want to play with him. But an even more important truth is that YES I could have made my point in a more gentle way. A more constructive way. A more loving way.

His behavior might be the source of my frustration, the source of my action, but at this moment, his behavior isn’t in question, mine is. Because I AM THE PARENT. I am the one responsible for helping and teaching my son in a loving manner!

Instead, at this moment, I criticized him. I pointed out his lack of friends to him, something I know he is struggling with and sad about, and threw it in his face.

I mean really, how old am I … 4?

Sure, I didn’t yell, but does that make it right?

NO it doesn’t. Because in this case, I loved my son LESS not more and this Challenge is about loving more. And in this case, I didn’t even come close.

So while I could be proud that I didn’t yell, I feel anything but proud.

I feel disappointed in myself.

I feel frustrated with myself.

I feel ashamed of myself.

And I feel sad for my son. Not just because I know he isn’t a malicious child, because I know he just wants to be included and is struggling to figure out how to make friends, but because I can’t take back the words I said. I can’t take back that moment.

So I am going to take back the day. 4 days actually.

That’s right, I am knocking 4 days off my “no yelling” counter as a reminder of the age I acted and the 4 years I have loved my son.  I am taking 4 days off to remind myself why I started the Orange Rhino Challenge in the first place: to become a more warm and composed mother who doesn’t scare or hurt her children’s feelings. Period.

I am taking days off to remind myself to work a little harder at this challenge, to remind myself that just because I have stopped yelling doesn’t mean I can start saying mean things in a quiet voice. Because really, that is just as bad.

P.S. I know some of you will say I am being too hard on myself by knocking days off since I didn’t technically break the rules. Perhaps I am. I just felt in my heart I needed a small “consequence” to teach me a lesson, to remind me that words can hurt even if not yelled. 

Dear Becca,

Thanks for writing this great guest post – you made several, no many more than that great and inspirational points. I even followed your advice, item #4, and WOW what a difference. I think it helped me get through the night tonight. No, I know it did. It made all the difference in the world. Whenever I get stuck I am going to come back and read your post. And I have a feeling our fellow Orange Rhinos might as well.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

I am a stay-at-home mom with two kids: Logan (4 years old) and Brenna (2 years old). I recently started The Orange Rhino Challenge because, hey, even though I would love to change the fact that my son can be hot-tempered, competitive, and defiant… as Maya Angelou wrote:

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” Well, I can’t change how my son acts (sigh), only how I react.

Now,Logan is also sweet, funny, and very smart (if I do say so myself) and I love him to pieces…but his aggressive tendencies really threw this mama for a loop. I grew up with a sister, so dealing with a little boy is a new experience for me! Add that to the fact that he inherited my passion and his daddy’s competitive streak and someone’s hot temper (not sure who to blame for that one, lol) and you’ve got a kid who is both amazing and challenging at the same time.

Did I mention I HATE conflict?

I’m a people-pleaser and never really learned how to handle conflict well. I tend to try to make the other person happy in an argument, which really doesn’t work when your conflict is with your own child, and you have to stand your ground. So, I have tried hard to teach Logan that he has to respect his parents and he has to listen to what I say. Which of course many times he doesn’t. (Go figure!) But when he disagrees with me, it’s a loud, angry ordeal.

So I thought the only way I was ever going to get this kid to listen was to yell. Snapping and raising my voice worked for reluctant obedience but caused serious conflict between us.

Orange Rhino inspiration center!

I haven’t really known what to do until I read about this Challenge. I was SO excited about starting my 30 Day Challenge (my own personal goal)- I printed out all the voice levels and a count-down chart to put on the fridge. I even posted some encouraging quotes for when I was struggling. I got 6 successful days into the Challenge thinking I SO had this…and then it happened.

I messed up.

I got lost while driving and the kids were fighting (both major triggers for me) so I snapped for them to shut it. Started myself right back at zero feeling like a jerk, and tried again the next day. Messed up again, and again, and again. I felt like I was never going to even get back to Day 1! And here’s why: I felt seriously DEFEATED. And that feeling of guilt and frustration made me want to give up. (YUP. I’ve been there Becca. I’ve been there. You are NOT alone.) 

Any other perfectionists out there?? I hate messing up, and I’ll tell you what, nothing will force you to give up being a perfectionist like parenting. You can’t be a perfect parent, and that’s OKAY! Read that last sentence again, and believe it! I have to remind myself daily.

And that’s what I want to share today. The fact that you are a wonderful mom!! I’m sure you’re thinking, “How do you know? You don’t know me.” But the fact that you are investigating this challenge says that you are someone who deeply cares about your kids. You want what is best for them and you are humble enough to admit that you are struggling in some areas and need help. That is a true sign of strength! So here are some things to consider next time you are beating yourself up over snapping at your kiddos.

1. You Made a Mistake, but You are a Good Mom! Sure, there is room to improve. But you made a mistake in a single instance, and that mistake does not define your self-worth as a mom! You aren’t giving up, and that takes courage.

2. Love Goes a Long Way. When I start feeling overwhelming guilt, it can be crippling. I have to remind myself that there is a lot of love in our house, and that consistent love and forgiveness of each other will get us past the tough moments.

3. You CAN do this. When I started failing repeatedly, I thought “I just don’t have what it takes.” That’s not true! We do have what it takes and we have to believe in ourselves. We have been blessed with these kids, and we are their moms…not the “perfect” moms at the park, not the magazine moms- they can’t do it! YOU know your children, and you alone have been given the awesome responsibility to be their mom! You can do it!

And lastly…

4. Give Yourself a Break. Give yourself some serious grace. We all make mistakes, and we just have to keep trying. But also, give yourself a LITERAL break. I forget to take time for myself and then all that giving ends up not helping anyone because I get completely burned out! I start twitching when I hear “Mommy!” for the fiftieth time. I feel my blood boil when the kids are arguing constantly. And it just doesn’t end well for anyone.

Hand daddy (or grandma, or neighbor, or best friend) the kids and back away slowly! Even just a couple of hours away can do such a world of good, for you AND the kids. If you are like me and feel guilty when you do fun things for yourself, remember that you can’t take care of them if you don’t take care of you!

So what about you? Do you ever feel like giving up? How do you make time to take care of yourself? Share in the comments because I’m sure we could all use some new ideas!

If you want to write to be the next guest blogger (and I would love you to be!), please email me at theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com. 

195 days without yelling, 170 days of loving more to go!

The following happened to me last week. It was a beautifully heartbreaking moment that I will never forget because of the truth it spoke. 

Every morning that the weather cooperates, I strap one child on my back, buckle two in the stroller, and then hold the hand of the 4^th and walk to town for my morning caffeine. We go to the same place, the place where everyone knows our names. Knows our order. Knows that I need help holding the door open so that I can maneuver myself and the stroller in. Knows that by the time I arrive my kids are ready for a morning snack and are cranky and sometimes crying after 25 minutes of being captive to my morning walk, the walk I need to feel good about myself, the walk I need to feel refreshed, alive. The walk I need to make it through the day. The walk I need in order to feel pulled together even if I am feeling anything but.

Well today, today the boys had to wait for their snack. The people who knew us didn’t open the door. And I didn’t get my normal order.

Because there was a stranger in need. A stranger feeling anything but refreshed and pulled together. And we all helped her.

As I approached the bagel store, my four boys in tow, I saw a most beautifully striking woman standing in front. She wore the most gorgeous black suit – gorgeous in style, gorgeous in how it fit her. Her hair was pulled back flawlessly and as I later learned her make up too had once been perfect. But yet this beautiful soul felt anything but beautiful at that moment.

She stood in front of the door, her petite well manicured hands covering her face, clearly trying not to hide tears, clearly trying to stop the tears, stop the pain from being real.

My caffeine would wait. My kids could wait. And somehow, they knew they needed to wait. And not just wait, but patiently and quietly wait. This beautiful yet sad woman tugged at my heart – because how often do we all feel that?

So pulled together yet so unraveled at the same time?

I had to help her because in a way, she was me. I have been there. I have been the one wanting to cry, to bawl, but having to keep it together instead. I have been the one crying in public, wanting help, and having no one reach out. I have felt sad and alone and I would not let this woman feel that this morning. Because I have been there.  And it hurts, really, really hurts.

“Hi. Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” Tears started falling down her face, her perfect mascara now running.

“What can I do? Can I get you a seat? A tissue?”

The boys sat quietly. Listening. Watching.

“No. I just need a friend.”

I just need a friend.

I just need a friend.

Who doesn’t?

Oh these words how they broke my heart. I wanted to hug her and tell her that she is not alone, that it will be alright, that she can call me whenever. I wanted to sit down and let her talk for as long as she needed. I wanted to be there for her because gosh, how often as a mom, as a person, do I feel that?

That I just need a friend.

I don’t need judgement, or advice, or anything else, I just need a friend. A friend to let me cry, a friend to listen, a friend who when my tears are done, will tell me it will be okay and I know that it will be because just having talked will have made me feel better.

I wanted to be that friend for her at that moment but knew my clock with my kids was ticking. I knew the minute she opened up that my boys would get antsy and she would be cut off. And I did NOT want that for this person.

So I did my best.

“Oh my. I am so sorry you are having a rough morning. Did you have coffee? Let me buy you a coffee?”

“Oh, I tried to get coffee but I couldn’t even go in.”

“WE will get it for you. What do you want?”

“A latte.”

My boys and I went into the store and ordered our new friend a latte and a croissant because #1 thought it would make her smile. And he wanted her to smile. Because she was very sad he said.

We came out to find our new friend hugging an old friend. I was so relieved that she had found what she needed at that moment. She graciously accepted her coffee and croissant and we graciously denied her attempts to pay us back. We wished her well and walked on our way, my boys asking if she would be alright? Why was she sad? Did she need a hug? Did she need her mommy?

A few steps later we were over the train platform and looking down.

There stood our new friend, wiping away her tears. The boys called to her.

She looked up.

“Blow her a kiss boys, she needs to feel loved.” I said.

And they did. Three kisses were sent her way. And she caught them. And blew a kiss and a smile back.

The next morning the weather cooperated and we walked to town again, as usual. The entire walk the boys asked about “the lady” wondering if we would see her, if she would still be sad.

We did see her. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect, almost as if it was meant to be, as we were running late and yet we literally met her at the door as she was walking in. She smiled a shy smile, almost an embarrassed smile. The boys said hi and asked if she was feeling better.  She said yes and then quietly ordered her latte.

Then she said the following to the man behind the counter:

“I’m so sorry for yesterday. There is just a lot of stress in my life. I was just having a rough morning.”

Today I didn’t want to tell her it would be okay. I wanted to tell her,

DO NOT apologize for crying. Do not apologize for not being all buttoned up for a few moments. It is OKAY to let go and let the stress out. It’s OKAY.

Hmmm…perhaps I should heed my own advice?

191 days of not yelling, 174 days of loving more to go

Dear Grouchy Old Man,

The other night I wrote about how frustrating it was to have you yell at my son and me (read here). I woke up the next morning, bitterness gone, to realize you gave me a gift. The gift of realizing just how much I have changed. 15 months ago when the same thing happened, I cried, I yelled, I made a spectacle of myself (see It Takes Courage not to Yell, Part 2). I didn’t communicate anything worthwhile to the offender and furthermore I didn’t take a bad opportunity and make it a learning opportunity for my kids.

But this go around, I did all of the above. I told the man that kids yell sometimes, that he was doing his best, that I was as well. I told my sons that sometimes people say not nice things and it is important to be the bigger person and respond with as much kindness as possible. I didn’t cry in front of the man but remained as strong as I could.

I told people “I didn’t care, it didn’t matter. I was used to being criticized for my son’s behavior.”

The truth? It did matter. I did care. And it wasn’t that I was used to it was that I have GROWN UP a bit. I have become STRONGER. I have learned how to CONTROL my impulses.

I truly believe this is a direct result of The Orange Rhino Challenge. The Challenge has forced me to look at myself, my behaviors, my responses. It has forced me to accept that I can’t change others but that I can change myself.

And for all of this I am grateful.

Which I guess makes me grateful for our little run in old man.

Who would have thunk it?

Best of Luck to you as you learn Tolerance and Empathy,
The Orange Rhino