458 days of loving more, 29 days of year two!
Here’s the thing.
There is no sugar coating ahead.
I don’t sugar coat, it just isn’t how I roll (except of course if we are talking about sugar cookies, that is an entirely different story.)
I want to write tonight.
I need to write.
I have wanted to write for the last 10 days actually.
I have needed to write for the last 10 days actually.
Based on the lack of a new post, I think you all know that despite my desire and desperate need to write, I haven’t.
This is the fifth document I have opened tonight.
This is the fifth time I have tried to write something.
Every time I start, I try to write something positive from the past ten days. I try to write something inspiring or on “topic.” And every time I come back to the same subject, one that I am so very afraid to share.
And there you go. It happened again. I write that I am afraid to write what is on my mind and I freeze and start to think “sh*t there you go again, writing about that boring downer of a topic that will turn everyone off.”
You know what, though, I need to write about what is on my mind because writing about it will set it free, it will set me free, it will allow me to start writing again which I so very much need. So here you go. No sugar coating. Just some honest to goodness raw emotions, hopefully with a positive spin at the end because that is why I like to write. Writing brings me clarity and oh my gosh do I need a little clarity right now in my life. Just a little. Anywho, I digress. I avoid. I need to just do it. Here goes.
The Orange Rhino is having a wicked hard time. There, I said it.
Last week’s knockdown knocked me down harder than I thought. It really rocked me to my core. I said that I let go and moved on – and I did, kind of. I did better letting go than I would have a year ago, but what I let go of was the singular punch, the action. I didn’t let go of the symbolism of the punch. The truth is, that punch made my one current struggle amplified one thousand times. Wait, one thousand times isn’t even enough. A google times.
My struggle right now, all a result of the major stressors going on, is that I just don’t feel good enough.
I don’t feel like a good enough wife; if I were, I wouldn’t be dealing with a marriage boulder, right?
I don’t feel like a good enough mom; if I were, my sons wouldn’t be struggling as much, right?
I don’t feel like a good enough me; if I were, I wouldn’t be as struggling as much, right?
And that is just top-line. I could easily delve into a zillion other examples of how inadequate I feel as in the worlds of me-hood, mommyhood, and marriagehood but they would all bring me back to the same point that right now, the big stressors in my life are making me feel not good enough across the board.
And let me tell you, it is a sucky feeling. A really sucky feeling. There hasn’t been a night in the last two weeks that I haven’t gone to bed crying because my mind wanders and starts poking at my big stressors and how I can make them better, and instead of getting a solution, just ends up back at the same conclusion: I am not good enough. And going to bed upset and crying? Well it has led to insomnia, big time. And that too, is a really sucky feeling because I am wiped and cranky all the time.
So there you have it. The Orange Rhino has been feeling really sucky. Do I feel sucky all the time? No. Do not fear! I still am having good moments, even great ones,
Like today when I got my almost two year old up from his nap and he just said “mommy, mommy, mommy” over and over again as he put his head on my shoulder and rubbed his fat little fingers on the collar of my shirt.
Like today when my three year old jumped out of his bed at six a.m. and screamed “mommy I slept commando, see?!”
Like today when my six year old said to me at our pizza date “Mommy this is best table because I have the best view. (Oh, of what I asked?) Of you of course.”
And like yesterday when my son brought home his mother’s day card and this is what it said:
“WAKE UP ORANGE RHINO!” It said. “YOU ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH!!!”
Yes. I got punched in the gut yesterday, but in a really good, way. That beautiful card made me realize that my son doesn’t see all the things I think I am doing wrong – he just sees all that I am doing right, he just sees that I don’t yell, that we do nosies at nighttime, that we have fun together. He just sees that I am more than good enough. He just sees that I love him and what more could I want?
This past year of my Orange Rhino Challenge has been about learning to yell less and love more. When I write love more I always talk about loving my kids more. But tonight, as I sit here and write, and think about how my five year old “Gets it” and focuses on the positives, I can’t help but to be knocked down by a thought,
I think it is time I start loving myself more too.
Yes, it is most definitely the time to start loving myself more.
Yes, it is most definitely the time to start thinking like my 5 year old more often and see all the good that does exist.
Yes, it is most definitely time to let of go of this not “good enough” thought.
While partially warranted under the circumstances, this not loving myself enough, this not thinking I am good enough, it just has got to go. It is physically exhausting, emotionally draining, and simply stated, a real pain the tuckus. And furthermore, it puts a real cramp on my “not yelling” style. I know I will not press save on this post and instantly be filled with a sense of “I am good enough.” I know I might not feel good enough in a week, or a month. But I also know that now I am aware of how very much I want to change, of how very much I want to love myself more, and I do believe that that will push me forward.
Here are my other thoughts on just being Good Enough “An Ode to the Moms I Will Never Be.”
When I started writing tonight, I felt overwhelmed and scared and as a result, didn’t want to write, couldn’t write. Now that I have finally gotten something written, no matter how good it is or isn’t, I feel such a huge sense of relief that I did it, that I tore the band-aid off and finally wrote something. These feelings? They totally apply to the challenge. I felt the same way when I just jumped in and started the Challenge to yell less. Just sayin’…just sayin’ just do it and just sayin’…you can do it!
Is there more I want to say in this post? Yes. But I will save it for another time. This post needs to be good enough as is! Ha!