Here’s the thing –> I’m a mess. I know I’m not the only one here sending a child off to college for the first time. This post isn’t just for those of us in these shoes. It’s for anyone feeling all the feels except for the one of being able to freely share that they are. Maybe I’m the only one feeling this way and if that’s the case, well, alrighty then. I don’t think it is though. I think there is a lot of subconscious messaging out there that leads people to not fully share how they are really feeling because they worry it won’t be received well, won’t be understood, will make them excluded, will make them feel broken or even more alone.
Again, maybe it’s just me and my past traumas and life experiences speaking…but I don’t think so. For whatever reason, I feel like I have to put on a brave face and pretend everything is honky dory right now, or at least mostly honky dory, as I prepare to send my firstborn off to his Freshman year. Social media is flooded with sentiments around “it will be okay” in regards to first children going off to college for the first time.
I know that, but right now? Right now, I’m not there. Right now, I have more worry than feelings of ease. I’m inundated with inspirational messages about how hard it is, but that I’ll get through it. Or there are messages of: I know how hard it is and here’s advice. These are great messages; helpful, beautiful, SPOT ON ACCURATE.
But right now? I’m full of overwhelm, doubt. My child isn’t even on campus so I can’t even think that far ahead. And also, right now? I don’t want that. I just want the messages to stop at, “It’s hard.” Or at least be followed by something along the lines of, Hey reader, I see you. I know you are feeling all sorts of feelings around your oldest child going to college for the first time. You are both excited for the fun you know they will have…but also worried that wait, maybe they won’t?
You know everyone takes a while to make new friends and really find a groove, and that it does work out…but also, what if it takes too long and turns into real homesickness? Or what if, what if they don’t find their people and it’s a repeat of high school? You know you have done your best raising them and teaching them about the ins and outs of the world, how to be street smart and book smart…but also, what happens when push comes to shove and it’s the new environment when peer pressure is a beast?
What then? You know you will both rise to the occasion, work through the challenge, and that your child will learn from it and that it is part of the experience…but also, UGH it isn’t fun, and also, what if, what if?! You know they have picked a great school, a great match for them and you feel so confident they will be taken care of…but also, gosh, darnit, you are going to miss them so much. So. Very. Very. Much.
How are you going to keep going at home for your other kiddos when you are missing one so much? You know this isn’t forever, that they will be home for breaks and summer vacations but also…you know this is a massive change in the way life looks moving forward, that this is the beginning of a major shift in the makeup of the home and vacations overall and that is hard as heck. How do vacations look in the future, especially as a divorced family?
You know it will all be okay at some point, that you will be okay through it all and also will be okay at some point…but also, but also… Can I please just feel all the feels right now and not have to feel better right now? Can I not pretend? Can I be real? Can we not say how hard and bittersweet it is, even though we know the future is also beautiful…and also bittersweet? Why do we always have to sugarcoat?!
Sometimes the best way to help someone feel better is to simply meet them where they are at and to STAY THERE in that feeling without moving them through it right then and there. I am not looking to wallow. I am not looking to stay stuck. I just need to admit that this shite is HARD and I’m feeling so many frigging emotions – and not because of perimenopause but because this transition is GARGANTUAN and it deserves the full acknowledgement as such.
I’m excited for all the experiences and friends and memories to be made…I’m sad because my buddy won’t be flashing his smile at me daily or his smirk when I make a bad mom joke; but facetime is a good replacement. I’m confident in the school and my son’s ability to figure things out…and I’m nervous for the transition, the skills that aren’t there, the challenges that I do know will happen. I’m overwhelmed because there is still much to do and I’m reassured because there is always Amazon and Target after the fact.
I’m all sorts of everything. And if you are too, I see you. I’m standing right there with you in the moment and staying there with you.
Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially, especially if you are feeling for whatever reason that you can’t fully express yourself or feel all the feels. I get it.
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
