Just Because.

Posted on October 21, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

253 days without yelling, 112 days of loving more to go!

Dear old self,

Oh how I’ve missed you. I liked you! You used to smile more. Have a pep in your step more. You used to believe in yourself more. You used to give more. I know life gets harder as you get older, that it gets more stressful, but please don’t let that squash you AGAIN. You were much more fun to be around and I am so grateful that you are slowly returning.

Your new (old) self,
The Orange Rhino

*
When I was in elementary school I begged my mom to take me to the Food Pantry JUST BECAUSE I loved filling the shelves with can goods for others.

When I was in junior high school a friend and I dressed up as Santa Claus and handed out little “stocking stuffer” goody bags when kids came through the doors JUST BECAUSE it would be nice.

When I was in high school I spent extra time with a mom who had lost her son in a car accident JUST BECAUSE I knew she needed someone to talk to. In fact, I did a lot of JUST BECAUSE actions in high school. I did a lot of caring and loving and giving of myself to others.

And this just because attitude carried into college to the point where I actually dreamed of starting a business called JUST BECAUSE. I dreamed that I would sell all of sorts of things people could run in and buy on a whim to give to someone just because. Just because they had a bad day. Just because they passed a test. Just because they needed to smile. Just because it would be fun. Just because it feels good to do randomly nice things for people, friends and strangers alike. I went even so far as to bake cookies once a week and package them up nicely in a box labeled JUST BECAUSE and give it to a friend I thought needed a smile.

When I started my first job I bought bagels every Friday to share with my team JUST BECAUSE it was Friday and everyone needed a pick me up (or a hangover cure). I even gave of my time acting as a live auctioneer to raise funds for American Cancer Society.

Yes, I used to give a lot of myself JUST BECAUSE I wanted to. Just because it made me happy to make others happy.

And then somehow, it happened.

I became jaded.

I stopped giving.

I stopped doing random acts of Just Because.

I would like to say I don’t know when it happened. But that’s a lie. The awful truth is it happened when I went from 2 to 3 kids, when my eldest son turned 3. When my life became infinitely harder, more stressful, more chaotic and more busy than I ever imagined.

When my life became surprisingly more lonely than I ever imagined.

When my life became that much more about my children, and less about me. When my life became about giving to my children JUST BECAUSE they were my chosen priority at that time in my life, rightfully so.

But the more ugly truth?

I think I lost my desire to give when I started to yell more frequently. Sad, but I think somewhat true. Because when I yelled I carried an angry, frustrated, chip on my shoulder all the time. It was so big that it consumed me and all my thoughts leaving little room for positive thinking and doing.

And then somehow, it happened.

I became un-jaded.

I started giving.

I started doing random acts of JUST BECAUSE again. Like this one (I Just Need a Friend) and this one (Pay it Forward.)

I would like to say I don’t know what happened but you all know the answer. I STOPPED YELLING. I let go of being angry every day. I let go of taking all my kids bad behavior as a personal attack on me. I let go of some (not all!) mama guilt and negative thinking that I am a bad mom. Do I still have days and moments when I feel angry, ahem, yes, hello 6:45 this morning!! But in general, I truly feel lighter, happier.

Sounds cheesy, but guess what? I have learned that this is true.

I feel like me. The old me. The one who feels more love in her heart and as such naturally wants to share more love with others. JUST BECAUSE it feels right.

Now I can say that I am not the mom I used to be, instead I am the person I used to be.

And I welcome my new (old) self back with welcome arms.

And I want to do something nice to celebrate.

JUST BECAUSE you all have helped me find my old self, JUST BECAUSE I want to share the love, JUST BECAUSE I believe every parent deserves to be patted on the back, to toot his/her rhino horn just for showing up and taking on the challenge of parenting, to be told they are doing a good job, to be given an unexpected smile in the middle of the day, I am going to give a special something to a parent when they least expect it.

Please help me find that person. By the end of day MONDAY, October 22, 2012, please email me at theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com or comment below or on my Facebook page if you know someone deserving of a JUST BECAUSE moment and help me spread some love. I will carry out my JUST BECAUSE moment on Tuesday after randomly selecting someone by the draw of a hat.

This is not a sweepstakes or a give away. It is simply me, The Orange Rhino, doing something because I want to give back.

Waiting to Exhale, part 2

Posted on September 17, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

219 days without yelling, 146 days of loving more to go!

Dear E.R.,

I really did not enjoy hanging out in you 10 days or so ago. Not one bit. I am grateful for your hospitality and for your kind doctors and nurses. That said, could have done without visiting you. No offense. At least our encounter reminded me of a few big things. I guess I am grateful for that too.

See you in a LONG while, I hope,
The Orange Rhino

I snuggled with my baby into the hospital bed, careful to not get twisted in all the wires coming off of him, careful not to wake him. I couldn’t stop staring at him sleeping peacefully in my arms. I couldn’t stop thinking how much I loved him. I couldn’t stop thinking how grateful I was he was okay. That he was going to be OKAY. I couldn’t stop thinking that even though I was told he was going to be okay, I still didn’t REALLY believe it.

And then the beeping started.

Beep. Beep. Beeeeeep!

The alarm started sounding in the hospital room. #4’s heart rate had dropped…and mine sky rocketed. He started twitching again, I held him tighter, tried to hold him still. The computer screen flashed red and the nurse came rushing in.

“What’s wrong? What’s the alarm?!” I asked.

She examined him with an anxious calm about her.

“Ah, he pulled off his heart monitor. He must have gotten twisted in it in his sleep. That was scary, wasn’t it. He’s okay.”

She looked at me and seemed to get that I didn’t believe her.

“He’s okay. He’s alright.” She repeated to me.

He was alright, but I was on alert, again. I still couldn’t rest. I still couldn’t breathe. This was MY baby. I knew I would love my children. I knew I would have a special bond with them. But I never knew the bond would be so incredibly powerful and all encompassing. I never knew that the bond would be so strong that the smallest thing would make me nervous; that the words “he’s okay” wouldn’t always be enough.

Soon after the Dr. arrived and announced that all the blood work was fine and that his fever came on so fast that it caused this response. He added as long as he doesn’t have any more seizure symptoms during this illness he’s fine. Otherwise, if he does, well then we will worry.

THEN we will worry? Doesn’t he know that I will worry until I know we are in the clear? Until I truly know that the seizure was a one off and that he is safe? That we are safe?

The Doctor left the room.

I tried to breathe but I still couldn’t exhale. I was still on alert, on fear that something bad was going to happen to my baby.

The Doctor returned to the room.

He wasn’t supposed to.

He had already said goodbye and good night. This time instead of standing at the bed to talk to me he walked right to the chairs and sat down and got comfortable. Which by the way made me feel completely UNCOMFORTABLE. What now? Why is he sitting? What does he have to tell me?

“Well, you know how I told you the blood work was fine?” Pause.

(Um, was the dramatic pause really necessary doctor? Do you really want me to pass out from a panic attack right here on the spot?)

“There are signs of a UTI. We’ll start antibiotics tonight. If he gets another UTI then you’ll need to see a specialist. It could be signs of a problem.”

And that was it. 5 hours and a few minutes later and theoretically I was allowed to breathe. My son was going to be OKAY, the doctor had sat for no major news,

And yet I couldn’t. I couldn’t breathe. I still couldn’t exhale.

And one week later and a bit and I can’t. Because I am still in shock that I had to race my baby to a hospital. I am still scared. I am still petrified that he will have the symptoms of a seizure again and I will have to see him look that way again.

I watched his fever peak hit 105 twice over the weekend and it scared me that another “seizure” was going to come. I watched him in the days that followed more wobbly than ever on his feet and I worried that something was wrong. I woke him from naps covered in sweat and I worried that the fever was coming back. I listen to him cry out in pain in the middle of the night and then settle right back to sleep and I think is it just teething or is he still having bad dreams like me of having to rush to the hospital?

And I watch him laugh and smile and seem to be normal and I think, “it is OKAY. It is going to be OKAY he is fine. His fever is gone. No seizures. He is fine.”

And I still wait to exhale.

And I don’t think I will ever completely exhale.

Because I am a mom.

And I LOVE my sons so incredibly much that I want nothing but the best for them. I want them to be happy. To be healthy. To feel loved. To feel secure. To feel successful on their terms. I don’t want them ever be in pain, physically or emotionally.

And I can’t control that. I can’t always protect them. And for this reason I think I will never completely exhale. Because I will always have a small piece of me on alert hoping that they are okay, inside and out. Even when they are okay, I will have a small piece of me on alert hoping that they stay okay, that nothing happens to them.

But something will.

My boys will be in pain someday. They will hurt physically and emotionally. And all I can do then is hold their hands and comfort them and let them know that they are loved and that it will BE OKAY.

An Orange Rhino Revelation: This post has nothing to do with not yelling. But yet it does. Seeing my son in pain, and fearing that something was really wrong, brutally reminded me of my deep love for him and all that I wish for him in this world.

I want them to be happy. To be healthy. To feel loved. To feel secure. To feel successful on their terms. I don’t want them ever be in pain, physically or emotionally.

All those things I want for him? Yeah, yelling like a lunatic like I used to completely goes against my wishes for my son. I can’t always be with my sons and keep them safe and healthy and happy. I can’t always protect them from pain. But I CAN not add to it. I CAN not yell at them. That I can do. And that I will keep making a priority.

Watchout! She’s gonna Blow!!!

Posted on March 11, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

33 days down, 332 to go!

Dear sweet Husband,
Wow, you really taught me a lesson this past weekend. A frightening one. A thank god you taught me one. A thank god I am taking this challenge one. So thank you.

Xoxo,
your most appreciative wife, a.k.a
The Orange Rhino

Wow. Wow wow wow. What a moment. Lots of them actually all in the span of 90 minutes. Hilarious and scary (insightful) moments all at the same time.

It was Saturday. A glorious, sunny Saturday. We slept in until 6:30 (insert sarcasm) and felt great.

We took the boys to go bowling as a reward for sleeping, scratch that, STAYING in their rooms until 6:30 am every morning for 5 days straight. We got to the bowling alley on schedule ie. early enough so we had time to play and then leave in time before the I’m hungry meltdowns started. We started having fun as planned (we’re big planners here at The Orange Rhino household).

Not planned? That #3 was strong enough to pick up the size 14 bowling ball…repeatedly! I was trying to feed the baby, my husband was trying to help #1 and #2 bowl (otherwise their balls got stuck in the middle of the lane) and #3, well he was busy trying to toss the size 14 ball, which if you don’t bowl is HEAVY, across the lane, towards our neighbors, who were, just a wee bit busy. You see, the father next to us was throwing a LOUD temper tantrum at his two tween aged sons.

“That’s it. We’re out of here. Brady, you cost me $20! I wanted to have fun. And you whined the whole time. We’re leaving. Put your shoes on, now!” He then threw the shoes at the two kids and walked away.

I felt so bad for the two boys. Not only were they clearly used to being scolded like this in public, but after witnessing the whole thing go down, after having done The Orange Rhino Challenge for a few weeks, I knew something I didn’t know before. That all the dad needed to do was to ask Brady, why are you so upset? He would have just answered…which he eventually did…that he was frustrated he couldn’t bowl as well as his dad. That he sucked. Sigh.

Now to be clear I AM NOT JUDGING. Why? Because I have said stuff like that before. Just not in public. My temper tantrums B.C. (Before Challenge) were ugly too. We all have our moments.

Thankfully for me, but not for the kids next to me, the dad’s behavior kept me in check because at that moment, when I was trying to feed a baby and keep #3 in check, I too wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I wanted to scream “I can’t do this by myself. Husband, help me NOW! #3, enough already. Just sit next to me and color. STOP screaming every time I try to take the ball away!!”

Needless to say, when we left the Bowling Alley, I was exhausted.

My husband asked me if I had fun. I looked at him. Was he f*n nuts? I spent the whole time trying to keep #3 from starting WWIII with the neighbor. But yes, I guess it was fun…

On to lunch. #3 was still in a mood. God Bless him. We were all squished into a booth at Burger King (kid’s choice) and #3 wanted space. Needed space. Demanded space. He kept elbowing #2 and me to move. Oh, and he was taking everyone’s French fries. Let’s just say he was on no one’s good side. So my husband picked him up and left with him…screaming. It was another peaceful moment on this beautiful peaceful Saturday that we had planned to be a fun day.

Back in the mini-van. #3 is still crying that he didn’t get to eat his KETCHUP and my blood is boiling. I’m exhausted at this point from not yelling. I’m done. I start driving. #1 thinks it is funny to start screaming. #2 joins in and well #3 is still crying.

I HAD IT.

I pulled over to the side of the road as soon as it was safe. I turned to look at the kids. But instead I stopped and looked at my husband. He was covering his ears and leaning away from me.

He was waiting for me to BLOW. To lose it. To scream.

I just looked at him, totally confused, and said,

“What are you doing?”

“Waiting for you to scream.”

“Huh?”

“Oh right, you don’t yell anymore. You’re The Orange Rhino.”

Totally hilarious that he was taking cover from me. Totally embarrassing too. Totally sad that I used to yell that much and that loud that he was prepared. BUT totally awesome that I have stopped (fingers crossed).

So what did I do? I waited. Waited until the screaming stopped. Didn’t say a word. Just waited.

It finally stopped. THANK GOD.

And Thank God my husband took cover, thus pointing out to me that yes indeed, I did yell too much.

I am totally hoping I can keep this up, this not yelling thing. Because I really, REALLY, don’t want to be like that dad in the bowling alley (LIKE HOW I USED TO BE.) It was so not cool. And I really don’t want my boys to have the same sad, shamed look on their faces that the other boys did as that too was so not cool, more than not cool. It was heart wrenching.