62 days down, 303 to go!

Dear Orange Rhino readers,

Given the response to last night’s blog I feel obliged to share with you a story B.C. (before challenge). What I am about to share is embarrassing (at least in my eyes) but I share it with you for two reasons: 1) to show you that I was indeed a yeller and 2) to show you the power of The Orange Rhino Challenge, how it has changed me.

Read tonight’s post and then yesterdays if you have the time 🙂 Look at the difference! Taking this challenge has changed me in so many ways. Besides the fact that I am now uber cheesy, writing things like CHOOSE LOVE, I am actually a more positive, patient, calm, loving person. And I am like this in all aspects of my life, not just parenting. Because the adjustments I am making to keep from yelling are spilling over into the rest of my life, ie. yesterday’s story where I didn’t dwell, or yell, where I chose to not be angry because I knew it wouldn’t do a darn thing. That story would have had a different ending if it weren’t for The Orange Rhino Challenge. It would have looked more like this…

Enjoy,
The Orange Rhino

*

Date:   April 2011 (a year ago almost to the day!)

Background:
Every month for 7 months straight, #3 would get a 104+ fever that would last for 5-7 days. During the fever, he wouldn’t eat or drink due to mouth sores and severe lethargy. When the fever broke the dehydration and starvation would hit…along with a huge wave of cantankerous behavior and screaming fits out of the blue that lasted for up to an hour. And nothing would soothe him. Nothing. It was MISERABLE.

So here we are 7 months into #3’s mystery illness. I am about 7 months pregnant and my boys are 4 ½ year old, 3 years old, and 19 month old.

It’s a beautiful spring day. Flowers are blooming, birds are chirping, sky is blue and a light breeze is blowing. It was the perfect day right out of a movie. We were having work done to our kitchen so we had to go out to lunch. Okay, I thought, what a great opportunity to try the new burger joint (I can’t even remember the name because I blocked it out.) Being wicked pregnant and all, the idea of a burger and fries sounded beyond delicious. Especially since I would have a babysitter in tow and could actually sit and enjoy said burger.

Or so I thought.

I purposely went out to eat early, before the crowds, just in case #3 had a meltdown since we were in a post fever week. I figured at 11:15 at a casual, almost McDonald’s type place we would be safe.

Boy was I wrong.

The minute, no I mean second, I opened the door #3 started one of his out of control, horrific, miserable tantrums. As #3 started up, and I tried to hold him and soothe him all while carrying a huge baby bump, my babysitter took #1 and #2 to the bathroom. And that’s when I felt them.

The two blue, almost silver eyes, no daggers, glaring at me from across the restaurant. They were so full of venom that I literally felt them tearing me apart. Judging me. Ridiculing me. Resenting me. Hating me. Hating my child.

I was trapped. Literally, and emotionally.

I couldn’t leave because my boys were in the bathroom. I couldn’t leave because I was so appalled and hurt by this man’s glare that I was paralyzed with sadness. Sadness from having a sick child who I hadn’t been able to help for months. A sick child who I literally just had 12 vials of blood taken that week to see what was wrong. To see if maybe something was seriously wrong. Like really really wrong.

I was trapped and I didn’t know what to do. I kept trying to soothe #3. We walked away from the man but I refused to leave. I refused to give him, the ONE man in the restaurant the satisfaction. But then I had enough. My pregnancy hormones got the best of me.

Me:  “Excuse me, do you have a problem?

Jerk:  “Yeah I do. Your kid. You. Take him outside.”

Me:  “I can’t. I’m waiting for my family and our food. He’s hungry. He just needs to eat.”

Jerk: “Well, I’m trying to enjoy my lunch here. Take him elsewhere. You’re not even trying to stop him.”

I’m not even trying??? EXCUSE ME? Who the h*ll did he think he was? I was trying my damndest. What did he think I should be doing, yelling at my kid???? I am the FIRST to take my child out of a restaurant when they misbehave and are disruptive. But not here. This was a fast food, child friendly place. I had just as much right as he did to stay in there.

Oh did the tears of frustration and sadness start. And they FLOWED. At this point more people were coming in. The jerk’s eyes kept glaring but now were accompanied by a shake of the head. Look down, shake head, look up, Glare. Look down, share head, look up, Glare.  Repeat.

My babysitter came out with my boys, saw me crying and asked what was wrong. Bawling (hello pregnancy hormones!) I said:

“That mean man is picking on me and #3. I can’t soothe him. Let’s try to eat and if that doesn’t work, we’re out of here. ”

Just as I said that I decided no bloody way was this man winning. I wanted to sit and enjoy my fries because they were ridiculous. I stood up, stuck my pregnant belly out, took #3 on my hip and marched right over to him. But this time it wasn’t just him vs me. We had an audience. Oh yeah, my immature side was ready to come out and put on a show.

“Excuse me.”

He didn’t look up. Oh he knew what was coming.

“Excuse me.” I said, this time louder, more like a yell…

“Do you have kids?”

“Yes I do.”

“Well I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that their dad has no heart. And no patience. I feel sorry for your wife that you would look at me, a pregnant mom STRUGGLING and working her ass off to help her child, and not offer help, but just judgment and criticism.”

Now the tears were really flowing. Thank you hormones for the dramatic gesture.

“And guess what. My son’s tantrum? It’s because he’s sick. Really sick. And we don’t know what’s wrong with him. In fact, he was just tested for Leukemia this week. Leukemia. Do you know what that is? Yeah that’s right. So how about that??? Next time you want to judge a mom, get all the facts.”

I turned around. Mouths were dropped. The place was quiet.

I was mortified.

Finally one of the cashiers stood up for me and brought me napkins and a water. I asked her for a take out bag. She readily obliged. I think everyone wanted me the heck out of there.

My kids looked at me.

“Mommy, why do we have to leave?”

“Because that jerk wasn’t being nice.”

“Mommy, what’s a jerk?”

Oi vey. Add that word to the list of things they shouldn’t know at their young ages.

*

I haven’t been back to that Burger Joint since. And I just remembered the name. SmashBurger. Well isn’t that appropriate. I now remember wanting to go over and smash his burger and say “Here’s your SmashBurger you a*shole.”  But I think I did enough damage that day.

I can easily say that he deserved to be yelled at it, that it was okay. But it wasn’t. I could have been more “eloquent” in my message. And I can easily say that yelling made me feel better. But it only did for a moment. Because once I started yelling, I couldn’t stop. And by the time I did, I was embarrassed by my tirade. Really embarrassed. So embarrassed in fact that I won’t go back to that restaurant out of fear of having someone recognize me…1 year later.

So once again, yelling didn’t achieve anything, because that guy is probably still a jerk, because I scared my kids and simultaneously taught them how NOT to handle a tough situation. And because that restaurant probably still has unbelievable french fries that I am too afraid to go and enjoy. And I really like French fries. And more importantly, I really love my kids and don’t like to scare them.Oh, Orange Rhino Challenge, where were you when I needed you?! Just glad that I found you….

(P.S. My son is healthy now.Phew.)

61 days down, 304 to go!

Dear Nasty Lady at the Restaurant,
It was so nice of you to make fun of my husband and I while we were in ear shot. Thanks, I really appreciated (and needed) that. Looking back, you inadvertently taught me that I have changed and that yelling really doesn’t achieve a thing. So I guess my thanks is genuine. Darnnit. I really didn’t want to say anything nice regarding you.

Blech,
The Orange Rhino

*

A few weekends ago, my husband and I had the rare opportunity to go out to dinner, just the two of us. Well, at least in theory. We didn’t have our four boys with us but instead we had the privilege of being squeezed in between two other tables of 2. In fact, we were so close together it felt like we were a party of 6. I could hear everything the couples next to us said. You see, I have supersonic hearing and can carry on my own conversation and hear and remember 1 to 2 others at the same time. It’s mostly a blessing, ie. I can hear my boys whispering their plot to cause trouble from across the room while on the phone. But it’s also a curse. Big time. On this particular night out, it was a curse.

In usual self confessed dorky Orange Rhino husband and wife fashion, the first thing we did on our intimate night out was talk business, tonight’s conversation being what reward system we want to use at home to help the boys become more responsible. We’re thorough and analytical people. We covered all the pros and cons of different systems. Actually, we exhausted all the options.

Do we do points or stickers on a chart? Or do we do money or gold dabloons (ie. Jake and the Pirates) in a jar/treasure chest?  Do we only reward good behavior or do we also subtract for bad behavior?

We decided on gold dabloons in a treasure chest. Most visual, most fun.

Next.

Well how many gold dabloons do you get for clearing your plate? For making your bed? Then how many gold dabloons are needed for a reward? What about #3, he is too young to collect, he’ll want instant gratification. How do we handle that?

I won’t bore you with the iterations. You get the point. We were being anal, but to us, it was an important conversation. Helping our kids learn to be responsible, polite, loving kids is important to us. Is that dorky? Is it loserish to be committed to finding a reward system that will easily, clearly, and fairly help inspire these new behaviors? I don’t think so.

Well to our neighbors to my left, specifically the single, clearly no children, under the age of 30 woman, our personal and important conversation did. In fact, she thought our private conversation was hilarious. So funny in fact she felt it necessary to start making fun of us. Yup. While we were sitting not more than 2 feet away. And given my supersonic hearing, I heard every word.

Her: “What losers. They are out without kids and they are talking about reward systems.”
Him: “Shhh. You’re talking loud. They can hear you.”
Her: “I don’t care. Wait, do I lose 2 gold dabloons for being rude? Or is it 1?”
Him: “Shhh. Please. Seriously. It’s embarrassing.”
Her: “Honey, you get 1 gold dabloon for saying please. Would you like 2 gold dabloons for getting out of bed in the morning?”

I won’t bore you with her iterations either as she went on for oh say, 10 minutes? And it just got more hurtful with every jab at us. Tears slowly started to fill my eyes and I fought my hardest to keep them from falling onto my plate. I fought my hardest to keep her from knowing how upset I was. I fought my hardest to keep myself from taking my glass of red wine and throwing it at her yellow blouse. You see, I’ve had the distinct honor of catching people talking badly about me on numerous occasions…the first being when I was 6. Yup, it was that bad that I still remember it. So to say the least, this chick, this obnoxious chick, really hit a nerve.

And oh did I want to YELL. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to tell her to go screw herself and that she had no idea about parenting and how hard it is. I wanted her to get up to go to the bathroom and have to say “Excuse Me” to us  just so that I could say, “Of course! That is 2 gold dabloons for asking so politely!” And well if she never got up I wanted to turn to her and say “You know, I can hear you. And it is incredibly rude to be listening to my conversation and making fun of it, all while we can hear you.”

But my husband wouldn’t let me do any of those things. As he so perfectly put it that I immediately put it in my blackberry to remember…

“What would yelling at her do? Sure it would make you feel better, but what would it accomplish? Nothing. You’ll still feel crappy. She might pick a fight making things worse. And it will ruin what is supposed to be a nice night out.”

He was right. Yelling REALLY would make me feel better. But he was also right that it wouldn’t achieve anything. The cons of yelling far outweighed the pros… darn it!

So I sat there, not yelling and trying to ignore her and enjoy my dinner. Which is exactly what I did. Which was a really big step for me. Before Challenge, I would have sat there and pouted, sat there and felt embarrassed, annoyed, angry, sat there and thought well maybe she is right, maybe we do sound like losers. Before Challenge, I would have let her ruin my night.

But not tonight. The new me, The Orange Rhino, who is learning to stay calm, find perspective, let go and more, decided to think Screw her!  This is my night out with my husband. I am not going to let some nasty woman ruin my night. I am not going to let anger ruin my night. I am going to choose love. I am going to choose to love my time with the one I love.

And I did.

And it felt great. Much better than yelling would have. My husband gets 2 gold dabloons for great advice. And I think I deserve 5 for listening to said advice, 10 for telling him he was right, and 20 for not yelling (even though she more than deserved it!!!)

Even though this post is about me as an adult and not a mom per say, I think the take aways apply to my life as a mom too, don’t you? When have you wanted to yell but didn’t? Did you feel better?

58 days down, 307 to go

A Flashback to Day 2, TAKE 3

February 9, 2012

Dear Ketchup?,
I want to thank you for causing a pretty intense allergic reaction on #2’s arm tonight right in the middle of the Orange Rhino family melt-down hour. I really needed another medical problem to look into and resolve. It’s not like I don’t have enough on my plate with the news that #3 is allergic to peanuts and that #1’s nose is still bothering him two weeks after his adenoid surgery. But I hate to tell ya, while you tried really hard to get me all stressed out and all geared up to yell at the three other kids clamoring for my attention during your little trick, I didn’t. Better luck next time. Go find some mustard to pick on. Or better yet, figure out what the heck caused the allergic reaction.

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

YAHOO! Day 2 success! Yeah baby. Feeling good. Love being back in the saddle. It’s amazing how just one day so easily turned into two. And it wasn’t easy but the high of success, of knowing that I COULD do it, made me thirsty for more. Thirsty for more of that feeling of control, of peace, of love, of pride.

I was proud of myself for keeping it together. Especially when I wanted to scream at #1 “just shut up!!!!!” because his jabbering at me, all while I was anxiously watching #2’s arm rapidly swell up, was getting on my nerves just as fast as the reaction was spreading. The hives went from the elbow to his fingers in seconds puffing up his entire hand. I was scared sh*tless; I had never seen such an intense allergic reaction before. I had no idea what caused it (I think the ketchup, buy maybe the corn, or a bug bite?) and I couldn’t call the doctor because it was between office hours and on call hours. Perfect timing. Why does this always happen to me? And how dare the doctor’s office not have coverage at the worst hour of the day, when everything happens?! That’s a whole separate post….

Anywho, while I knew the pediatrician would say give him Benadryl, FAST, I was hesitant to give it to him. In the past #2 hasn’t responded to it at all and actually had a psychotic response which included throwing books at my face. Seriously. But somewhere amidst this fear, and anxiety, and chaos, I found peace and control and was able to think things through rationally. I decided to risk the Benadryl because I knew that stopping the reaction was far more important than my not wanting another busted lip or my not wanting to deal with #2 bouncing off the walls until 1030 that night.

Thank the Benadryl Gods, it worked. Reaction stopped quickly and Thank whomever, #2 didn’t have an adverse response. And I guess thank the Orange Rhino Challenge for keeping me in check! Phew, crisis averted.

I am so glad I didn’t yell.

Not just because I don’t want to go back to 0 again and have to struggle to get out (it was such a crappy 9 day struggle!) but because it would have just made matters worse. #1 was jabbering away because he was nervous. When I’m nervous or scared, he feels the same, x10. If I had yelled at him, in his fragile state, he would have just burst into tears. Then I would have had two hysterical kids to deal with which on top of my stress at that moment, would have definitely SUCKED. And it would have easily put me over the edge making it impossible for me to think clearly. Which is precisely what I needed to do – both to handle the situation and to keep from yelling.

I stayed calm and thought things through.  

Oh frightening, I just paraphrased a line from one of my boys’ TV shows. In a Word World TV Show episode, two of the Word Friends frantically try to build a word and can’t. So another friend says:

Stay calm and think things through.

Stay calm and think things through.

Yes, that is sound advice Word Friends.

I will keep trying to stay calm and think things through – it worked wonders for me tonight! (I will also try to watch more adult TV shows…I am a little worried that I am naturally reciting a kids show. LOL)

*

Fast forward 55 days. I am still staying calm and thinking things though. When I want to yell I stop and think, why do I want to yell? Is it really necessary? Will it even work or will it makes things worse?

Is there another solution to yelling that will get the same, rather, better result??? The answer is yes. It’s always yes. Except well maybe in emergency situations, see Challenge Details 🙂

There are lots of other solutions to yelling. And when I am CALM and think things through, I can figure out the non-yelling solution fairly easily. It might take longer to get my desired action to take place, but the benefits are well worth the wait. So I am doing my darndest to stay calm, at ALL times. And let me tell you, seeing as I am not naturally a calm person except in emergencies (this is backwards, I know, I’m weird!), this is a huge task for me. Huge. Gigantic. Enormous!!! But I have proof it works so I am going to keep at it until the calmness has taken over my entire body, kind of like an allergic reaction, but a really good one!

Are you trying to not yell? What is your favorite non-yelling solution? Tell me! If I am going to go 307 more days I might need some new tricks! 

P.S. If you are celebrating one of the holidays with family this weekend (like I am) and you get stressed with all the extra chaos (like I do) and want everyone to go home early (like I will) just remember…stay calm and think things through and then maybe you won’t yell at them to get the heck out of your house!!! LOL. Enjoy the holidays.

56 days down, 309 to go! 

Dear Neighbor,
You asked me how it feels to not yell for 56 days. Are you sure you want the answer? The real answer?

Prepare Yourself,
The Orange Rhino

*

Yesterday I told you not yelling felt great. Amazing.
And it does. More than most of the time.
In the beginning I told you it made my kids listen more.
And it does. More than most of the time.
But I can’t lie.
Sometimes not yelling doesn’t feel amazing because sometimes
my kids don’t listen more.
Because they are kids.
And just like me, they have good days and bad days.
And during those moments when they don’t listen,
I mean REALLY DON’T LISTEN and it feels like they are all giving me the middle finger  and don’t give a hoot what I have to say…
I want to yell.
I want to yell because Yelling used to be my go-to parenting method when all else failed.
And it always worked. It always got my kids to stop and listen.
Because it scared them.  And I don’t want to scare my kids. I love them.
And so I can’t yell.
And it turns out, I can’t even cry…

This afternoon was brutal. Change is coming to the Orange Rhino Household and mommy is anxious, and overwhelmed, and nervous, and scared, and sad. The list goes on and on and on. And my boys sense it. When I am anxious #1 is twice as anxious and his response is to be over silly and hyper and to not listen which of course gets #2 and #3 acting the same way. The three feed off of each other and the house goes from acceptably calm and quiet for having 4 boys in it to loud, rambunctious, and intolerable. Simply stated, if mommy shows signs of being anxious, even if she isn’t yelling, then my household spirals into a world of chaos. A world where I feel like I have no control, no power, and I just want the madness to stop.

And today I just wanted to cry. I stood in the middle of the chaos surrounding me – my boys running around yelling and my to-do list yelling at me to get to it – and I wanted to cry. I wanted to bawl. I wanted all my feelings of being overwhelmed to pour out of me and be gone. But I couldn’t.

The tears wouldn’t come.

I was pissed. I felt cheated. How come my boys can release their anger, their frustration, their anxiety via a good ‘ole fashioned temper tantrum, with tears pouring out, and I can’t? I was pissed I couldn’t cry and I was pissed I couldn’t yell. Because both would have made me feel better and I couldn’t do either.

Harrumph.

What did the situation feel like?

I felt weak, truly. I felt like I could just collapse.
I don’t think I could have even screamed if I wanted too, I was so tired.
I felt overwhelmed.
I felt desperate.
I felt hopeless. Powerless.
I felt defeated.
I guess you could say I felt pretty sh*tty.
All I wanted to do was cry.
And the tears wouldn’t even come.
I couldn’t yell and I needed to release.

I couldn’t move my legs to stomp out my frustration because they were too weak from walking back and forth, room to room, talking directly to my boys to try to get the desired behavior. My legs were too weak from going up and down the stairs bringing #1 to his room to cool down, again and again.

I couldn’t even whisper because I was tired of trying to communicate.

I couldn’t even bring myself to get the camera because well, what was the point? The kids were running around me in a whirlwhind, a camera wouldn’t catch them, there wasn’t a photo that would make me laugh.

I couldn’t even take deep breaths because my heart was beating so fast from my blood boiling.

I felt hopeless. Powerless.
I felt defeated.
And all I wanted to do was yell.
Because I knew that would work.
I knew it would stop my kids dead in their tracks.
It would demand they give me attention. It would demand that they listen to me.

If only for a moment.
One moment.
But then the tears would come. Not mine, but theirs.
And with it the guilt, theirs and mine.
So I knew I couldn’t yell. And I didn’t know what else to do.
I didn’t know how to stop the madness.
And so all I wanted to do was cry.
And the damn tears wouldn’t come.
They wouldn’t free me from my feelings.
They wouldn’t let me body release the frustration it felt.

So I stood still, paralyzed by frustration.

I stood still.

And suddenly I stopped trying to control the situation. I stopped trying to control their behavior. And I started trying to control MYSELF. I searched for calm. And clarity.  And tried hard to not pull out my hair or throw something across the room in the process.

Clarity came first. Get a book. Just start reading. They will come.
And I did.
And they did.
And then the calm came.
I survived another whirlwind of boys’ insanity without yelling.
Phew.

*

So how do I feel not yelling for 56 days?

Well at the beginning of this post tonight I’d say I felt powerless.

Because yelling gave me power to handle and stop the most difficult situations. And without it…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to discipline when the going gets really tough without saying mean things and raising my voice to a ridiculously loud level. And it is REALLY frustrating. So frustrating that the tears wouldn’t even come because my body was so tense. And it kind of sucks to realize that. To realize how heavily I relied on yelling.

But, wait, I just realized something else. LOVE when that happens. I DO know what to do. Don’t yell. Stand still. Just stand still and wait until composure finds me. Because it will. Because I want it to find me. And when there is a will, there is a way. And boy am I glad it did find me. Because really, choosing not to yell and following through, feels pretty amazing. In fact, I don’t feel powerless anymore, I feel powerful.

What do you do when you feel like you have lost control of your household? Do you yell? If not, please tell me your secret! Do you stand still? Do you get a book? What do you do when all. Else. Fails?! Comment below…

55 days down, 310 to go!

Dear Fellow Orange Rhinos,

I have some very exciting news to report. We have another Orange Rhino in the making! My dear husband, someone who inspired me to be a better person from the moment we met (truly), someone who supported my wish to start and take on this Challenge from Day 1, someone who RARELY ever yells, has decided it is time he takes the Challenge. I couldn’t be more excited. Not just because it means more love going around the house, but also because it means I have an immediate Orange Rhino Challenge partner at my side. Challenges are doable alone, but hard. Challenges shared are more fun, more rewarding, and easier. Easier because we can watch and learn from each other real time. Or so that is my hope.

Post-it Countdown. Orange, of course. With silly inspirational sayings each day. Of course. This is what I used before I had a fancy ticker.

Here’s to you “Maxwell.” I’m proud of you! I made this to help you since you so lovingly made me something the day I started. Hope it helps!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

I am going to out my husband. I hope he doesn’t mind. Pretty sure he won’t since we’ve all been there, done that. Me A LOT more times than him. Yesterday we were struggling as parents. Really struggling. The three older boys were just wound up beyond belief and we were, well, tired from the night before. From a crazy night of staying out until, get this 11:30. WHOA.

So we were basically spent by 4pm. And that is when the boys just got really started. So considerate of them. They were running in and out of the house, up and down stairs, calling each other poopy faces, throwing pillows, making a deliberate mess, yelling. You know, they were being kids (perhaps not well behaved at this moment, but we all have our moments!) But today neither my husband nor I had a lot of patience for it. We wanted to sit on the couch and be lazy. Like the good ‘ole days. We had no desire to try and keep peace in the house…we had no desire to parent.

But obviously, we had too. We tried. Oh did we try!

And nothing we did to settle them down worked. Nothing. We kept trying old ways, new ways. Even our tried and true start whispering didn’t work. They just were h*ll bent on not listening to us. We both looked at each other. Exasperated. It was time to clean up for the night. So we split up. He went upstairs. I stayed downstairs.

Through the chaos, I remained calm.

My husband, however, finally lost it. Completely. So bad that our 2.5 year old came running to me saying “Daddy yell. Daddy not nice.”

Oh and was that an understatement! (I am NOT passing judgment. My rants were far worse and more frequent than his. And no one is perfect. Especially me. I might not be yelling but I still have other areas of improvement. Trust me.)

Anyway…

I heard the tears from #1 and the tone of my husband’s voice and ran upstairs. This had to stop. Forget it being mean and hurtful and all that jazz…I knew it wasn’t going to work. Yelling wasn’t going to inspire my son to clean up. It wasn’t going to stop him from calling us “garbage cans.” It wasn’t going to stop him from being “silly” and throwing books at us. It wasn’t going to make him less mad at us for stopping his party. No, it really wasn’t going to accomplish a darn thing except piss him off more and make him feel unloved. And it is our job as parents to make him feel loved, unconditionally.

So I flew upstairs and the following words calmly came out of my mouth:

“Sweetheart, you need to stop yelling. It is not going to work. He needs love and empathy.”

I couldn’t believe those words came out of my mouth. My trash talking, yelling, ridiculing mouth. I used to be the yeller in the house. I used to look to my husband with wide eyed wonder, thinking how does he stay so calm, so patient? How does he never yell? How come I always do?

Now the roles were reversed. And it felt great. Not just because of the good ole husband vs wife “I told you so” spats that go on J but because it felt great to be on the other side of the yelling spectrum. Mostly because when I was on the yelling end, I felt crappy an awful lot. And guilty. And disappointed in myself. Now I feel proud, empowered, present, mostly calmer and so much more.

I really hope that my husband finds the same feelings. Especially the so much more piece that I can’t yet put into words!

After we managed to regain calm in the house and got the kids settled to bed my husband looked at me and said “I think I need to start The Orange Rhino Challenge.”

This was one time I was actually eager to say, “Yes dear, you are RIGHT!”

Are you trying The Orange Rhino Challenge? Are you doing it alone or with a friend? The more the merrier! Even try getting your kids involved. Read “The Orange Rhino Game” to see how my kids are involved.

54 days down, 311 to go!

Dear Readers, myself included,
Here is something I wrote on Day 1ish that I never posted. I guess I kind of forgot about it. (If you are new to my blog and want to know what made Day1 even an idea, read The Epiphany) Anyway, I stumbled upon it this weekend and was glad to have re-read it as it reminded me about not only about why I am doing this Challenge in the first place but also and  powerful feelings related to yelling – both in yelling and more so, in not yelling. It re-inspired me and gave me the extra push needed to make it through a very difficult weekend. I hope it helps you too!

Thanks for reading and for all your support,
The Orange Rhino

*

January 22, 2012 (about 70 Days ago…)

The Birth of The Orange Rhino Challenge
(before it even had a name, the name came a few days later thanks to my son, read here: About The Orange Rhino)

Dear Husband,

Wouldn’t it be cool if I made a promise to not yell for 365 days straight? Better yet, what if I blogged about it and made my promise public? That could really force me to stay on the ball. What do you think? Do you think I even stand a chance of making it that long? You don’t? Yeah, me neither but wouldn’t it be fun to try?

xoxo,
me

*

Now mind you, I don’t even know what blogs are or how they work. So I was surprised when this idea popped into my head (both the idea of going 365 days, HUH?! And blogging, double huh). I tried real hard that Sunday to see if I could do it. The whole not yelling for a day thing. It was hard. Really f’n hard.

But I did it.

I found sweet, calm, loving, empathetic tones and voices I didn’t know I had.

I found strength and impulse control I certainly didn’t know I had.

And by the end of the day, I was wiped. Wiped wiped wiped. I was physically spent. I haven’t felt so tired since the early days of having a newborn. WOWZA!

It had taken so much energy to keep myself inline. I love my four boys, don’t get me wrong, but as you can imagine the endless and pretty much all at the same time chorus of: he called me a poopy face, he touched me, he knocked over my tower, he took my toy, I’m hungry, I didn’t want water I wanted milk¸ I’m not listening, I don’t care, no I won’t do that, …. can well, kind of get under your skin after a while!

But not today. I managed to rise above it. It felt SOOOOO good to not yell. NO, not just good, IT FELT GREAT. Absolutely fantastic. I felt totally invigorated and in control for once, two feelings which parenthood had kind of sucked out of me. Maybe this was worth a try? Because I DID IT. I went the whole day without yelling. I CAN DO THIS.

I woke up Monday morning and went downstairs to find a note from my husband. “1 Day down, 364 to go.” Well, I guess he took me seriously. Alrighty then, game on.

*

Not sure what I like more...the love and support or the use of color?

January 23, 2012

Dear Husband,

Thank you so much for drawing that cute little countdown note yesterday encouraging me to go 364 more days without yelling. It was really sweet of you and oh so supportive, exactly what I needed to get going! I never really say thank you to you for loving me, for encouraging me and well, quite frankly, for putting up with me! So thank you!

And #1, #2, #3, and #4, thank you for being so patient with me. I am a work in progress! I know sometimes, well, okay much more than I, and you, would like, that I yell too much and too loudly. I know it hurts your feelings, makes you sad, and scared too sometimes.

I want you to know that I ALWAYS feel dreadful when I do yell.

I never feel better.

I just feel embarrassed, disappointed, and angry that I lost control and made you cry, especially since it never solves anything, it just creates a huge feeling of guilt. So I’ve decided to change. I’m going to work really, really, really hard to stop yelling all together.

I promise you, no matter how long it takes, I will go 365 days without yelling at you. Because I love you. I love you in a way that I can’t even put into words. I love you so much that I don’t just NEED to stop yelling, I want to stop yelling.

Will you be patient with me along the way? Will you help me learn along the way? Will you love me along the way? Will you do all these things…even if I make a mistake?

I guess those are the exact questions you ask of me, daily, aren’t they? Because just like me, you too are works in progress. And you deserve the same patience, help, and love that I am asking for. All the more reason for me to stop yelling at you…all the more reason for me to be more patient, to give you more help, to love you more. Even when I really want to yell. Because it isn’t fair of me to ask things of you that I often forget to give you. So I’ll start.

I promise that I’ll start giving you more love, more help, and more patience when you need it…instead of yelling at you. And maybe you can give me a little back, okay? Deal?

I love you boys, all 5 of you. And that’s why I am willing to take on this Challenge. Let’s kick some no yelling a*s together, shall we?

*

Are you taking The Orange Rhino Challenge with me? What was your first day like? How did you feel? Tell us. ALL of us. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You’d be surprised how many people you’ll help and inspire.

www.Facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
www.TheOrangeRhino.com

51 days down, 314 to go!

Dear Lion and Tiger,
Where do you get off hiding from #3 right before bedtime? Do you not know that #3 can’t fall asleep without you? And of all nights to go missing you pick a night when your best friend didn’t nap during the day and is completely and utterly inconsolable. Seriously? WTF? What did I do to offend you? I’m nothing but nice to you. I wash you when you’ve been chewed to disgustiness. I make sure you come on vacations with us. I try my hardest to let you stay snuggled in bed all day so that you don’t get left behind somewhere or fed yogurt for breakfast. And yet, this is how you repay me. Thanks. No truly. Thanks.  You made me realize something. 51 days of not yelling and I’ve actually changed. So while I am grateful for my new insight, let’s not pull this stunt again, okay?

Thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*
It’s 5:59. Finally, time to go up to bed. I’m counting down the minutes until 7:00 when I have my night to myself. I have lots to do. But, oh my, Lion and Tiger had other plans.

It’s now 6:15. #3 is out of the bath. Up since 5 am with no nap, he looks like he is going to face plant any second. He frantically starts looking for his friends. And by friends I mean his 3 Lions and his 2 Tiger loveys that he NEEDS in order to go to sleep. We are 2 lions and 2 tigers short.  Sh*t I think, knowing the hysterics that will follow. Yup.

Missing: Lion #3 and Tiger #2. Reward: Anything. Just so long as #3 goes to sleep!

Through tears: “Mommy, mommy. Tiger gone. Lion gone. Missing. All gone. Downstairs.”

In an effort to save bedtime I quickly grab the baby and bravely leave #1, #2, and #3 alone in a room (which by the way is asking for someone to be pushed into a door or kicked just because it’s the end of the day and that’s what we do. Duh!)  I go downstairs and do a quick sweep of the house and find 1 lion and 1 tiger. Double sh*t. Still down 2.

I hesitantly return upstairs to deliver the news to my now screaming 2.5 year old.

“#3, look I found Lion and Tiger!!!”

#1 points out: “Mommy, you’re still missing a tiger.”
#2 points out: “And a lion.”
#3 “chimes” in: “NOOOOO. Lion and Tiger gone. All gone. No nap.”

(Oh yes dear son, you are going to sleep. With or without Lion #3 and Tiger#2, you are destined for bed!)

Well, at this point there isn’t much else I can do, scratch that, will do. It’s way past bed time and I desperately need to get the kids to sleep so that I can feed the baby (and because well, I am desperate for the day to be over already). I promise #3 that I will find Lion and Tiger and bribe him with an episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates in the morning if he goes to sleep.  The bribe worked. Jake is my new best friend.

Fast forward to 7:00 ish. I am on my hands and knees crawling all over the first floor looking under every curtain, chair, couch, table for Lion and Tiger. When I am not looking under I am looking in. In every bucket, box, wagon, car, tool box, backpack, bed, cabinet. And let’s not forget IN the garbage. Yup, I looked in every FULL (because why would they be empty on nights I needed to look through them?!) garbage bag. No luck.

It is now 7:30ish. I have just wasted 30 minutes of MY PRECIOUS TIME looking for these blessed animal friends that are SUPPOSED to stay in their room for this exact reason. I don’t know how many times I have cursed these friends out. And not just lion and tiger. I’ve cursed out daddy elephant, mommy elephant, froggy, ducky, lamby, giraffe, puppy#1, puppy #2, teddy #1, teddy #2, and the newest friend, #4’s bunny. Because yes, each child has not 1, not 2, but AT LEAST 4 of these friends.

Why? I don’t know. I guess because when I was a first time mom and some experienced mom said “oh you mustn’t buy just one, you need several in case you lose one. But oh, don’t buy the same one. Buy different animals so he is equally attached to all so if one is lost, he’ll be happy with another.” Okay, well that logic was WRONG.  As proved tonight.

My boys don’t care if they are the same or different. If they have 1 or 600. They love them all equally if and 1 is missing well their whole universe falls apart.

And normally I fall apart with it.

“What the h*ll! How did you lose your friends?! They are supposed to stay in your room! Why didn’t you leave them there. This is your fault. Your responsibility. I have things to do besides looking for your friends. Give me a break!”

Oh yes, I have had MASSIVE tantrums and screaming fits over missing friends and blamed the kids. Some of my best shows actually. And all right before bedtime.  It wasn’t bad enough one of my sons had to go to bed without their best friend, I had to scream at them too. Talk about an AWESOME send off to bed.

But tonight, I didn’t. It was hands down the weirdest out of body experience EVER. I didn’t even flinch. I  just offered hugs and kisses and lots of love and encouragement that he would sleep okay which is a MUCH better way to send him off to slumber. Was I annoyed? Oh yes. Did I b*tch while looking through the garbage that smelled of fresh fish? Yes. Did I yell at myself for losing the friends (because really, my son is 2.5, it’s my job to make sure the friends, ALL 5 of them, stay in his room)? Yes.

But I didn’t lose it at #3. I didn’t even have the urge to throw a raging Level 6 temper tantrum. Or to even yell.

And wow is that refreshing and ridiculously awesome. I feel like I have actually changed. And given the length and intensity of the screaming rants I used to have, I honestly never thought I could. I never thought I could hold it together. I never thought I could go 1 day, let alone 2 days, let alone 51 days without yelling.

I lost the loveys and in return found a new, calmer, me. A me who yells less and loves more. Totally worth the hassle.

Found. At the Train Station. Of all the places, they couldn't have gone hiding on the couch, where I could find them??!

And rest assured, Lion and Tiger were found and are now snuggling with #3.  They were at the Train Station with Thomas. Because, really, why hide in an obvious place and make my life easy?

*

Do you think you that you can’t stop yelling? Is there one event that always sets you off? Share it with me! I picked 365 days of not yelling for my goal. That was perhaps a little intense. Maybe I could have picked just one event, like becoming a screaming mama whenever a friend was lost, and decided to not yell in that situation. If you are hesitant to start the challenge but want to, maybe try picking one event and choosing not to yell at that time. It’s a start, right?

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
www.TheOrangeRhino.com

45 days down, 320 to go!

Dear Day 45,
You kind of sucked. Big time. But you know that already, you were right there beside me watching (laughing?) as the kids took turns kicking my a*s and I fought back tears of frustration. Oh I hope the next few days are better or at least that they give me new ideas on how to handle tough, crappy days.

Off to recharge,
The Orange Rhino

*

Today sucked. Really sucked. I haven’t had a day like today in oh say 45 days. The hits just kept on coming and my anger, then hostility, and frustration just kept on growing. I think my kids actually woke up and said, hmmm, let’s test mommy today. She is almost at 50 days, let’s knock her back to 0 for sh*ts and giggles. Well they did a darn good job trying. Because let me tell you…oh did I want to SCREAM today.

It all started at 7:00 am. #2 took all the pillows in the family room and created a blockade so that I couldn’t sit down and feed the screaming baby suffering from a 103 fever.  I know, sounds innocent, right? They are just pillows. Well to me, it was a personal attack. I have told him time and time again NOT to do that because it makes it hard for me to walk safely around the coffee table without tripping and yada yada yada. In otherwords, it’s a darn inconvenience to me and I don’t want to deal with it at 7:00 in the morning. Can we say, mama was CRANKY?!

Next.

Five minutes after I finished feeding #4 and the boys TV show ended the mischief began. The dumping of all toy containers. The throwing blocks across the room. The running around the house naked and screaming. Did I mention the baby was still crying because he refused his bottle and he was still starving?  Did I mention that nothing and I mean NOTHING I said, did, tried, stopped the behavior? Did I mention that I was so frustrated tears were starting to fall down my cheeks? Yup they were. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated that I couldn’t get a hold on the situation. Disciplining just wasn’t working this morning and I wanted to SCREAM, not yell, but SCREAM!

So I stood still in the middle of the kitchen, tears falling, baby screaming in my arms and the three older boys running around me, naked.

The Orange Rhino Rolodex. Well not exactly, but maybe I do need one?!

And I started mentally flipping through my Orange Rhino Rolodex for tips on how to keep from yelling. Breathe. Walk away. Whisper. Get a camera. Join them. I tried everything (but get naked, scary sight!) and didn’t yell but discovered I was quickly running out of tactics. Sigh. It was only 8:00 and I was tapped out for the day.

Ding.

Saved by the toaster oven! The waffles I *cooked* are ready and the smell of syrup rallies the troops, albeit still naked, to the table. At this point, I don’t care. I just want 5 minutes of quiet and quasi good behavior.

Clearly too much to ask.

The plates – WITH SYRUP DRIPPING ON THEM – start flying across the kitchen table. Are you kidding me??? I picked up the plates and cleared the table. Breakfast was over. The response I got?

“Mommy, we were just being like the three naughty monkeys on TV. We were having fun too. You see, the monkeys threw their breakfast (banana peels) so that is what we were doing.”

Well sh*t. They were right. They were acting out the TV show. Ugh.  Should they know better? Probably. But points for creative play.

Just then, they are saved by the phone. My hubby innocently asks how the morning was going. My response?

“It ain’t going, it’s EXPLODING. This morning has been awful. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do.” Tears start flowing FAST.

My husband so lovingly tells me one of my new insights:

“Sweetheart, you just have to go 32 more minutes and you’ll make it through the day. You just have to get them buckled into their carseats (where they can’t hit, punch, bite each other) and off to school.”

“Right. I got it. I can do this.”

I can’t remember exactly what happened in those next 30 minutes. I blocked it out because it was beyond infuriating. I am pretty sure it had to do with lots of not listening and not getting ready for school. I had completely lost control of the situation. Anytime I spoke my voice seemed to vanish into the air. Poof!  My boys were in charge. I was just along for the ride. And boy was it a bumpy, crappy ride that made me sick to my stomach with frustration. I just wanted to SCREAM at them and scare them into listening. Obviously that wasn’t an option.

So I focused on keeping it together for just 30 minutes. The time flew when I finally let go and stopped pushing them to cooperate, when I realized that it was OKAY that we were going to be late to school. No big deal. No point yelling. I chilled out and in turn, so did they. Of course, I felt like I failed as a parent, that I gave in to their bad behavior.

But as I write this, I think, maybe I didn’t fail. I might not have gotten their behavior under wraps but at least I kept mine in check by not yelling. So I guess I need to add “chill out” to my Orange Rhino Rolodex of tips on how not to yell.

What’s in your Orange Rhino Rolodex?

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
www.TheOrangeRhino.com

44 days down, 321 to go!

Dear Self,
You need to just chill out. And you need to remember why you started blogging in the first place. To have a place to go to for support. To keep yourself accountable, and on task. You didn’t start blogging to become a popular writer. What you write doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be real. And honest. Forget coming up with thesis statements and the like. This isn’t college. You aren’t getting graded. Phew. I really detested English class. Because I always got flustered writing. And yet here I am. Flustered. Go figure.

Remember, RELAX! (do you know what that means?),
Your Self
a.k.a. The Orange Rhino

*

Last week I threw a temper tantrum, to the likes of my 5 year old’s temper tantrums, although perhaps worse since I am 30+ and *should* have it all together. Which I SO don’t. It is actually a tossup as to whose temper tantrums are worse. Mine or my 5 year olds. Sadly, they are about the same. He just has 1-2 a day and I am down to 1-2 every few months. THANK GOD.

But last week’s was grand.  Complete with foot stomping, yelling, slamming my computer down, and some tears. All because I was frustrated. All because I had a vision of what I wanted to write and I couldn’t achieve it. I wanted what I wrote to be perfect, to make sense, to flow and say exactly what I wanted it to say. And it wasn’t flowing. And I just kept thinking, sh*t, this is a WASTE of my time because no one reads what I write. And I just kept obsessing over words, lines, trying to shorten my blog to make it fit the suggested length of a blog so people would read it, when really, I should have just put it out there.

I should have just stopped worrying what people think about me and instead used my babysitter time to have quality time with my baby while my sitter played with my 2.5 year old. And vice versa. That is the waste. Not the less than perfect writing. But the poor prioritization of my time. And really, that is what the tantrum was all about.

Or was it?

Was it really my being angry at myself for sucking at prioritizing. Is that really why I was mad?

Was it really my being angry at myself for not having self discipline, not knowing when to stop. Nope.

I have to be honest with myself, with you all. And this is going to be wicked embarrassing to admit. My tantrum was all because I was afraid of what people would think, that you wouldn’t like what I wrote, that you wouldn’t like me.  Why is that embarrassing to admit? I don’t know. I guess the part about caring so much about what others think of me and not having any self confidence to believe in myself?

I finished my tantrum and my babysitter who had just witnessed it looked at me.

“I think you should stop blogging. It is stressing you out.”

“No it’s not” (said grouchily, kind of like a barking dog, roof!)

“No really, it is.”

And that’s when I realized. The blog itself isn’t stressing me out. It’s the putting myself out there that is. I am the most insecure person you’ll meet. I spend probably way too much time out of my day worrying that I am not good enough, that people don’t like me, that I did something wrong, yaddah yaddah yaddah.

So this blog, in all of its wonderfulness, and this challenge, in all of its wonderfulness, is phenomenally difficult to me. It is like a double whammy – learning to not yell and learning to not care so much about what the negative stuff other people *might* or *might not* think of me and what I write.

So I turned my tantrum into a teaching moment. My babysitter LOVES when I act like her 2^nd mom (insert sarcasm).

“You’re right. I do seem stressed. But it is a good thing. It is positive stress. This blog, writing and sharing with the world, it’s forcing me to learn how to worry less about what people think (might think) about me. It’s forcing me to learn how to believe in myself first, to feel proud about what I wrote even if others don’t feel the same. This personal issue of worrying that others might think negatively about me has kept me stuck in many ways for my entire life. It’s held me back. If I can fight through it, I’ll come out a stronger, better, happier person.”

And I truly believe that.

So I am choosing to challenge myself. To  keep doing The Orange Rhino Challenge, the not yelling and the blogging. Because I believe I will come out stronger, better, and happier. It is HARD, REALLY HARD but it is so worth it.

www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino
www.TheOrangeRhino.com