Dear Orange Rhinos,

Tonight I share with you a brave guest post by Melody, a fellow Orange Rhino. I have been saving it for the right time and tonight is that night! Sweet #4 (my seizure prone little one) is rocking a 104 fever along with bouts of coughing and wheezing. I so very much want to write about the anxiety I felt earlier at the doctors, then dinnertime, and then bedtime. I so very much want to write about how it (the ugly stress monster) tried so very hard to trigger me to yell. But alas, tonight has been spent in and out of his room checking on him so no writing. Let’s hope tomorrow night?!

I will share with you though that I won tonight; that I didn’t let my trigger get all trigger-happy! Take that anxiety and stress; this Orange Rhino knows how to talk herself out of yelling now. But it wasn’t always that way. Oh, no, it most certainly wasn’t. Melody recently sent me this link to one of her posts about her journey to yell less and love more. As I read it, I found myself thinking, yep, yup, oh yeah, I have been there, I have sooo been there. Tonight, I was practically there again. The intensity of all the crying and the chaos and the worry had me wanting to tear my hair out, maybe even tear my necklace off.

I think we have all been there. I took great comfort re-reading this post tonight, realizing I am not alone. So tonight, in lieu of writing, I share this piece from Melody that I bet many of us can all relate to in hopes that we all feel less alone on this journey.

All my best and thanks Melody,
The Orange Rhino

*

Wednesday WIP: Yelling
By Melody W.
March 13, 2013

I am prone to bouts of yelling. I’m just not perfect. I don’t recall there being any yelling in my home growing up. My parents had/have three kids so they did have to yell to get our attention at times. But I can’t recall excessive yelling. I have all good thoughts and feelings about my upbringing.

So where did it happen? When? Somewhere along the line after I moved out of the nest I started to yell. Violently. I just raged. I don’t know why it started if it wasn’t in my nature. Since I’ve left the nest I haven’t always been in the ideal of situations. Perhaps the anxiety of uncertainty pushed me to anger, which pushed me to rage. Anything would set me off.

In January, maybe it was the fifth? We went to look at a house. The house we are working so hard for. We are so close to closing it hurts. Anyhow. We were on our way there. We had had a pretty good morning. We were all excited to see the house. I was feeling anxious. What if we couldn’t afford it? What if it was a waste of time? What if the boys misbehave while we are there and we have to leave…or Felix has a blow out diaper? Just my typical “its all in my head” crap that brings me down. My amazing husband said something…and he looked at me. And I lost it. I grunted and scream and growled and hollered. I yanked the necklace that was around the rearview mirror down…no I ripped it off. The owl pendant that I love flying through the car.

I stomped my feet.

I almost cried.

It was nuts.

My boys were quiet. They were scared. Stephen was angry in response and I sent him into a foul mood. I apologized, I told Maddox I was sorry and it wasn’t okay. But you can’t undo words. Apologies are formalities and you cannot undo what has been done and what has been said and there are things you just can’t say or do to people you love. And I did. I do it all the damn time. This is just one example.

Well I’m proud to say that today is day one of my no yelling challenge.

*

Melody is still working on her Orange Rhino Challenge to yell less and love more. She was proud of herself for starting back in March; I am proud of her for still trying every single day, especially while pregnant which I know 3x over, makes not yelling not easy! Thanks Melody (http://melodymarie85.wordpress.com) for sharing so bravely and for helping me out tonight!

 418 days of loving more, Day #2 of my Staycation!

Hello Orange Rhinos! My family and I are taking a much needed “staycation” this week so I will be disconnecting until Monday, April 8^th. I know many of you have just recently discovered The Orange Rhino page and blog and are starting up your own journeys to yell less. Yeah! I also know how hard the first days and weeks can be so I wanted to make sure that in my absence you were still supported because I want everyone to succeed. Why? Because I know how crappy it felt to be a yeller and because I know how great it feels to now be on the other side. I wish that I could be online everyday with you all (and that I could catch up and respond to all your questions and comments and emails) but I need to take this time with my family.

I am very curious to see how I do without seeing The Orange Rhino logo daily J I must admit, seeing it, sharing posts, writing blogs all keeps my promise top of mind. And I must also admit that reading your comments and seeing your enthusiasm for the Challenge has brought me much needed strength and inspiration to keep going during this more challenging time in my life. All that said, more than ever my family and I need this break, together. My boys miss me greatly. I haven’t been as present as I wish due to that “Boulder” in my marriage I spoke of earlier this week. This week is my chance to re-connect with them and show them how very much I love them. I am looking forward to the much-needed together time, to slowing down, and to getting the grumpy out of my attitude that has moved in recently!!!

(Okay odd moment. You know you are a parent when…you write Grumpy and think you are a Care Bear!) That said, after this week I hope to act a bit more like Sunshine or Funshine (whoever the yellow one is) and a bit more like Tenderheart because as my 4 year old just informed me when I asked who I should be, he said “Tenderheart because he’s always nice!”

Keeping with the Care Bears comparison (why not, right?) I have put on my Cheer Bear attitude and lined up Facebook Posts and Blog posts for this week to keep The Orange Rhino on top of mind and keep you inspired. I hope they help! What I love about our growing community is that I know that you will all comment and support each other all week along until I am back up and running. Thank you in advance for that! I am really excited about the guest blog posts as they are beyond honest, beyond brave, and very inspiring. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

Also, since I haven’t been able to respond to all your questions and I won’t get to them this week, I wanted to answer some here briefly that keep coming up!

1. I am NEW to the Challenge, what is the best way to start?
Read 12 Steps to Stop Yelling At Your Kids and the two posts linked in it: Forget 365 Days and Tracking your Triggers. Tracking your triggers is hard and time consuming but a really, useful tool. Then check out the Resources page and print The Orange Rhino sign. Make one for each child and ask them to hold it up like a stop sign when you are getting cranky! And SPREAD the word. Seriously. Tell your friends your family and get them involved. Get accountable by starting on the FB page what your goal is. Comment on other people’s posts to give and find support.

2. Did you tell your kids when you started?
Yes I did. They were my biggest help! They were constantly reminding me of my promise by holding up their signs and saying “Orange Rhino mommy!”

3. Is your husband on board?
Here is the funny thing. When I started this, he didn’t yell or rather he rarely did. Maybe once a month? So I didn’t need to get him on board. But now that I don’t yell when he does the kids go ballistic at him saying Green Turtle!!! (That is the name he gave himself.) So now he is on board and is trying hard to embrace it because he has seen that yelling really gets us nowhere except a more challenging place or a longer tantrum!

4. Is there any official Orange Rhino gear?
Not yet but I am working on it! I am hoping to have that taken care of in a few weeks so that we can all have Orange Rhino bracelets, keychains and more.

5. I keep failing and am back to day one. This sucks, what should I do?
I suggest doing what some others have done. Stop the counter on the day you yell, say day 2 and start it up again when you don’t yell. This way you focus on the positive. Also, reconsider your goal. Perhaps choose one moment a day to master, ie. bathtime and add moments on once you get one under control. Also re-visit your triggers. It isn’t easy. I know for me when I am trying to lose weight and I feel like I am failing the best way for me NOT to lose weight is to keep telling myself I suck (which by the way, I am uber good at!) When I tell myself I can do it, I want to do it, and I will do it, the weight comes off. It is hard to constantly work at something when the results aren’t immediate but I know it is easier when I stay as positive as I can and when I am as honest with myself as I can be as to why I am struggling, read Truth or Dare? To see what I mean!

6. Your alternatives are great but don’t necessarily work for me. Thoughts?
Read this post “Do I Really Want to Yell.” My alternatives work for me because they calm me down and help my kids calm down. So the question is, what calms you down in the hear of the moment? I had no clue what worked for me until I started this Challenge and had to find a way!!!

7. What defines Yelling?
If you read my Challenge Details, you will see how I broke down my yelling parameters. Basically, I defined a non acceptable tone of voice (ie. yell) as one that had venom in it, one that was intentionally mean and non-loving, one that had great potential to create tears or to tear down my child’s confidence. I still snap on occasion, for example a quick “OUCH” when accidentally hurt or a quick “Enough!” but it is more a slip of the tongue and not a “I’ve totally lost my cool and I am being mean”. The truth lies within – I know when I crossed the line in the beginning because my gut felt awful! Another big distinguisher is yelling to vs at as I discussed in The Emergency Yell. I am okay with the occasional yelling to in emergency or if I am upstairs and they are in the basement and I need something. That said, if I do it too much then they tune me out!

8. Why were my first few days easier than now? I went several days without yelling and now I can’t go one day?! Help!
I went seven ish days without yelling and then I just snapped for the silliest reason; so silly I don’t even remember it! And then it took my three ish tries to get going again because I spent so much mental energy thinking about the fact that I failed and because I didn’t have all the original adrenaline that got me going. The first seven days I succeeded I put all my mind and energy into the process. I think I got cocky after such a successful start and I took my eye off the ball so to speak. My suggestion would be to surround yourself with orange reminders, to talk about your successes so you feel confident, to start each day telling yourself you can do this and to make sure you have a support network to help get you going. I texted my “Orange Rhino” friends constantly my first few days and tries to keep me going.

I hope this all helps some – have a great week and thanks in advance for supporting each other while I am staycationing!

384 days of loving more!

When I decided to stop yelling at my kids last January, I quickly discovered that in order to keep the yelling at bay, I needed to start looking at myself. I realized that I couldn’t excuse all my yelling because of my son’s behavior, but that I had to start taking ownership of my own. I had to admit that sometimes I yelled not because they were actually bad, but because I was just in a bad mood. I had to admit that sometimes I yelled not *just*because my kids were balancing on the back of the couch, but because I was overwhelmed and out of balance. I had to admit that sometimes I yelled not because I didn’t love my kids, but because I didn’t love my body or myself that day. I had to admit that sometimes I yelled because I had an overall negative attitude and it impacted my thoughts and actions!

Yes, one of my most powerful lessons I learned was how much my thinking impacting my actions. Before the challenge, I dwelled a lot on negative situations (like a fight with a friend) and this just put me in a cranky, ready to yell at anything, mood. Before the challenge, I often told my husband about all the negative things my boys did during the day instead of all the positive moments. This of course just made me feel more frustration with them than love and that too just set me up to yell. Before the challenge, I often started the day thinking to myself negative thoughts about my weight and ability to parent; this thinking of course was self-fulfilling and demolished any chance to feel confident or successful that day.

All this negative thinking? Well, it did me no good! The more negative things I thought, the more negative I felt. The more negative I felt, the more negative things I saw in my kids and myself. The more negative things I saw, the more negative I felt. Oh the cycle just went on and on and on! Of course the only part of this cycle missing is that with negative thoughts and negative feelings came negative actions like….yelling! An interesting thing happened on my journey though – when I stopped yelling, when I removed the negative action, I felt lighter, I felt happier, I felt more positive. And when I felt more positive, I started thinking more positive. Well it turned out that positive thinking, acting and feeling is contagious!!! Once I felt it, I wanted more; I loved it!

It was so easy to fall in love with how great it felt telling my husband all the positive things my boys did at night. (And it was so easy to not yell the next day because I was filled with more love and positive energy!)

It was so easy to fall in love with starting the day saying “oh, my jeans don’t fit so well, but I am trying and I am proud I am trying to get more fit and I am happy because my life is good, regardless of how my jeans fit today!” (And this thinking of course gave me the confidence to eat healthier and feel more positive energy.)

AND it was so easy to fall in love with all the new positive actions I was naturally inspired to do as a result of not yelling. Not yelling made me more positive and I naturally wanted to do more random acts of kindness, say “I love you more,” and give more hugs.

Yeah, positive thinking is pretty powerful. I have always heard that to be true, I have always believed it, but this past year I proved it to myself. There are days when I do let a little negative slip in, when I can’t turn on all my positive vibes. And when those days come, I try to jump start my positive attitude by doing something nice for someone or saying something positive to my kiddos, even if they are screaming at the moment and I want to scream back!

The other morning started out rough. I buckled my boys into the min-van at 6:30 and drove to McDonald’s for a fresh hot coffee. Still grouchy as I ordered, I remembered how contagious positive actions are – how they can trigger an amazing domino effect. As I pulled up to pay I asked the gentleman to use my credit card for the order behind me as well. When that person pulled up to pay and discovered his coffee and breakfast was taken care of, a smile crept onto my face and my heart lightened. My positive attitude perked right up and kicked the negative attitude out. It was fantastic.

And this morning, when I discovered my pants wouldn’t zip at the same moment as my boys started fighting over the hairbrush and at the same moment as my negative vibe started waking up, I walked right over to my boys and said, “hey, you know what, I love you both, crazy morning hair and all!” After that moment I saw their adorableness and focused on that, not the yelling. It was fantastic.

It has been quite the journey learning not to yell and learning to look at myself deeper. And it has been quite the journey teaching myself how to fill my mind and soul with more positive thoughts. But honestly, it has been the most positively powerful journey and I am so grateful I made a promise to push myself last January to not yell for 365 days. Not yelling has been the most incredible gift because all that I learned has helped me not only to stay yell-free but also to lead a more fulfilling, happy, love-filled and positive life.

376 days of loving more!
Here is an oldie that I swear by. In the early days my boys loved playing “The Orange Rhino” game and it helped me many a time. Still does! 

Originally Published February 2, 2012
Day 1, Take 6 (sigh)

Dear #1, #2, #3, and #4 (husband too I guess!)

I know that sometimes, well okay much more than I and you, would like, that I yell too much and too loudly. I always feel so guilty afterwards and ashamed…because I love you so. So I’ve decided to change. I’m going to work really, really, really hard to stop yelling altogether but I’m going to need your help. Ok? Can you do that? Can you help me?

xoxo,

Mommy Orange Rhino

*

As a start to feel the desire to yell at my cantankerous 2 year old I stop myself. Why am I yelling? Because I am tired. Because his whining is obnoxious. Because I am frustrated my husband is working and it’s a Sunday a day I look forward to help from him. Because my 5 year old wouldn’t leave me along for 10  minutes to do something I wanted. (So selfish of me, I know). I’m yelling because as wonderful as they are, my lovely children can be really tiring. But they can also be really wonderful. And honest.

“So #1, how am I doing with not yelling?”

“Terrible. Absolutely terrible. You just yelled at me the other day. And the other minute.”

Yeah, that’s pretty much an accurate summary.  I have no idea what has transpired since last week. Last week I went a whole 8 days. And I felt so good. So so good. To all you non-yellers out there, I know you are laughing thinking to yourself, 8 days is nothing. That is so easy. But to me, it was difficult. At first. That first day was EXHAUSTING. I remember coming up to bed after the day was over and saying to my husband:

“WOW I feel great from not yelling but darn, am I tired.”

It took every bone in my body to keep it together that first day. To find my inner pre-school teacher voice that speaks quietly and lovely and still gets respect and response. But somehow I did it. ALL WEEK LONG I did it. Every day I went without yelling I felt more invigorated and it got easier. And it felt so utterly amazing. I felt an energy I haven’t felt in years. I was bouncing of the walls with adrenaline and excitement.

I felt so powerful and in control which as a mom, is something I often DON’T feel. Ironically, I felt WAY more powerful and in control not yelling than yelling….

And yet, as my 5 year old pointed out just now, I am sucking at the whole not yelling thing. So we created a game to help mommy out.Anytime the boys sense that I am getting cranky and am about to lose it, they need to say ORANGE RHINO. It’s our little secret code. I love that they will help hold me accountable, because really they should. It’s not fair that I expect them to use indoor voices and talk to each other with respect and love when I don’t hold myself to the same standard.

As I write this I hear my husband ROARING at the three older boys…Now tears from one. Oh and now a  little voice “ORANGE RHINO daddy” ORANGE RHINO. So innocently my husband asks, what does that mean?  My 3 year old answers “It means you can’t yell at us. It’s not nice.” WOW. They actually listened to me. And better yet, they get it. Very cool.

So now we have our own secret game. I really hope it helps keep me in line. Really really hope it helps.

Mostly because I’m ready to give up. I’m totally overwhelmed by all the things in my life that I have pushed aside this week because I’ve wanted to write instead. The laundry. The piles of mess that scream  to be picked up. The doctors’ appointments I need to make. The closet organization that needs to happen. The list goes on and on. Everywhere I turn in the house there is something I need to do but just don’t want to. And what’s it been worth not doing it? Nothing. I still have yelled every day and haven’t been able to get back on the “good” streak. I keep telling myself that the sacrifices I am making today, this week, are nothing compared to the benefits that that will come from not yelling.

Uh oh, I’m getting all cranky and worked up.

Orange Rhino mommy, Orange Rhino!

369 days of loving more!

Here’s the thing, I feel like I haven’t really talked to you all in a while! Why is that? I have been feeling so overwhelmed by different things in my life that I have felt like I couldn’t “really write.” I felt like I was going to explode instead. Or is it implode? Or perhaps both? Either way, I don’t just mean yell, I mean totally lose it and have a full on, crying in hysterics attack. My to-do is growing exponentially, which is good but stressful. My personal challenge I alluded to before isn’t growing, but it also isn’t disappearing. My kids are having some new challenges that need addressing and well, shoot, there are a lot more things to add but the point remains the same,

I feel like I am in a giant pressure cooker. Now mind you I write that and I have to stop. I don’t cook; I bake. If the saying was “I feel like I am getting squeezed out an icing bag” I’d get it. But I have NO idea what a pressure cooker is. So lets see if I used the right example!

Oh my grandmother would be devastated that I don’t know what a pressure cooker is! But at least she would be proud that I can bake cakes and muffins!
Photo Source: google images

pres·sure cook·er
Noun

1. An airtight pot in which food can be cooked quickly under steam pressure.
2. A highly stressful situation or assignment.

Okay, I am not an airtight pot, although I am uptight and I do bake in the sun rather quickly. So yeah, so far so good. Am I in a highly stressful situation? I’d say yes.

Again, details are irrelevant. What matters is I feel like I am under pressure; that I am cooking quickly. It isn’t a pretty feeling, is it? I have felt it before when my kids were driving me nuts and pushing. every. single. button. trying desperately to make me yell.  But they didn’t prevail. I did. And I reminded my self how just last Friday, and yesterday and today and well lots of days lately.

Just take it one moment at a time.

One moment at a time.
One problem at a time.
One step at a time.

However you look at it, the idea that keeps me from exploding is simple: think small, don’t let the stress overwhelm you.

One of my favorite business leader quotes is by Herb Kelleher, CEO of Southwest Airlines. It goes something like: “Think small, act small and get bigger. Think big, act big and get smaller.” I find it to be so true!

Think small, one moment at a time, act small, one moment at a time…and you’ll get more done and feel better.

Think big, think about all the stress, act big, try to do it all in a fury of stress…and you’ll get smaller, you’ll get less done and feel worse.

Or here’s another application, which ties directly to yelling less.

Think small, choose just one moment to improve, act small, work on just that moment…and you’ll get more confidence, more success and ultimately grow your moments of not yelling.

Similarly, if you are having success, don’t get too confident! Been there, done that. Don’t think big, I got this, and act big, I don’t need to try, because your yelling less moments will get smaller.

So instead, keep doing the one moment at a time thing. It seems to be a powerful notion.

Is it hard to not yell? YES. Is it hard to feel under pressure and stress sometimes? YES. Is it possible to manage both? Well you know I believe so to the yelling thing and gosh, I certainly hope so for the second part. I am just going to keep chugging along one moment at a time, letting steam off by exercising and talking to friends. And, AND I am going to keep enjoying the Orange Rhino Community’s outpouring of love and support for me and each other, that is growing rapidly like a ball of dough in the sun. See, I don’t cook, I bake!

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It’s Favorite Song Friday! I know I have missed a few Fridays but I have just had other stuff to share. Since I still haven’t been able to put into words how I feel about this past year, I wanted to share this song. I love this long, it just really energizes me and puts me into a good, happy place because it reminds me about all of you and this Challenge. It reminds me how I sometimes felt before The Challenge – lonely, confused, and stuck and how I feel now – alive and full of love. Have a listen – I hope this song goes right into your heart and gets you moving like it does for me.

“I Can Feel Again” by One Republic (lyrics and my comments below video)

It’s been a long time coming since I’ve seen your face
I’ve been everywhere and back trying to replace everything that I’ve had
(I lost who I was for a bit when I became a mom. I struggled. I wasn’t totally me.)
Till my feet went numb
(Somedays the stress of parenting paralyzed me and kept me from “walking forward.”)
Praying like a fool that’s been on the run
(Daily, hoping it would get easier.)
Heart still beating but it’s not working
(Heart wanting to be better, to love more, to be happier. Heart hoping things would get better.)
It’s like a million dollar phone that you just can’t ring
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
(That part is not true, I don’t feel nothing, I feel everything with my kids. I feel so much love it can even hurt at times!)
Yeah, my heart is numb (But it is all good! I wouldn’t trade that for the world)
But with you (The Orange Rhino Community)
I feel again
(In having to write, I have pushed myself to dig deep and to feel again. In writing, in meeting all of you, in learning not to yell, I feel alive again. I feel so much more happiness.)
Yeah with you
I can feel again
(And it’s awesome. My heart had closed off for a while and in not-yelling it is opening up and loving more again.)
Yeah
…
But with you I feel again
And with you I can feel again

But with you
(I’m feeling better since you know me)
I feel again
(I was a lonely soul but that’s the old me)
Yeah with you
(I’m feeling better since you know me)
I can feel again
(I was a lonely soul)
…
I’m feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that’s the old me
A little wiser now from what you showed me
(You showed ME to believe that I could do it, you showed me support, love and patience. Oh am I wiser.)
Yeah, I feel again
Feel again…

352 days without yelling, 13 days of loving more to go!

Dear #1,

You have the most amazing timing, really. And the most adorable spelling. I have loved watching you learn to spell and write this year. Your first word? Green. Spelled? Gin. Did you know Tanqueray, the gin with a green label, is my favorite? Love it! And I love you. You left this note for me this morning and it’s like you knew I would need it today.

You are very special and important too,
Xoxo,
Mommy Orange Rhino

*

As I hurried to get dressed this morning #1 called out from his room “what rhymes with special?” I paused. Mecial? Lecial? Shoot. I couldn’t think of anything.

I called back,  “I can’t think of anything. Sorry!”

He responded with, “Huh? And Mommy was that a yell?”

“No sweetie, I was just talking loudly so you could hear me.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, duh.”

He then appeared in my room, paper and pencil in hand, wit, sarcasm and intelligence in mind.

“Next time mommy, just walk into my room and tell me. I’ll hear you better and you won’t have to yell. Oooooh. Yell and Tell. They rhyme!”

And then my mind started churning. Here are a few new alternatives to yelling that rhyme. Hopefully it will make it easier to remember them or at least make you laugh. My mind tried to come up with an idea for each letter of the alphabet but alas, that was so not possible. Enjoy!

Don’t yell…ring a BELL!

Don’t yell…pick up your CELL (and call a friend.)

Don’t yell…go to your DELL (and post on The Orange Rhino Facebook page.)

Don’t yell…act like an EL…ephant (swing your arm like a trunk and be silly.)

Don’t yell…FELL down and do a push up (okay, fall, but you get the idea.)

Don’t yell…GEL (you know, dance, like the commercial for Gel inserts for shoes?)

Don’t yell…okay, skipping the letter H J

Don’t yell…act like JELLo (get jiggly and shake all the stress out.)

Don’t yell…MELLow out!

Don’t yell…QUELL(this means suppress, I had to look it up!)

Don’t yell…SELL your request (you know, like a live auctioneer. Can I get a clean up? A clean up? Who wants to clean up? Any takers?! Do I have one? Two? You get the idea.)

Don’t yell…TELL. (Yes this one is easy to remember!)

Don’t yell…go the WELL and fetch a pail of water (or a glass, from the sink, yes, that might work better!)

Don’t yell…get all ZEALOUS with staying calm.

There you go, 14 new ways to practice not yelling. I personally like “Don’t yell…tell.” So simple. And then again I also like “Don’t yell…GEL.” I mean really, who didn’t love those commercials? Are you gelin’? But really, I just like the whole not yelling thing. It has mellowed me out, quelled lots of potentially big problems, and filled me with a new zealous attitude for life. Seriously.

So here’s to rhyming. Here’s to not yelling. And here’s to my son for inspiring this post (and me on too many occasions to count.