19 days of yelling less Year 2, 448 days total
Dearest Orange Rhinos,
Oh how I wish I could write an upbeat post. I feel that the last ones have been downish and I don’t like to be all down. I think a mix of up and down is good, you know? But alas, this post is not an up but instead, another down. I am hoping it is the last one for a while because not only does it get boring for you all to hear my woes J but it also gets exhausting for me to feel the woes.
I just got some very disheartening news. Doesn’t matter what it was. It just sucked. Big time. Let me put it simply. With all the ugliness and stress going on in my life right now (read this post about marriage and then this post about parenting if you don’t know what I mean), I had one thing that was keeping me going. Well, I guess two. First, you all have kept me going. Truly. Watching this community grow and witnessing strangers helping strangers is honestly the most beautiful, soothing thing in the world. I will be having what feels like the worst day and I will log on and read your posts and I smile and my heart smiles. I only wish I could reply to everyone, that would make me even happier. But I can only do so much. I know you understand.
The other thing that kept me going, the other thing that has helped me smile and not let the ugliness of my life bring me down lately I like to call a “a dream come true.” There is something I have dreamed of for years, since I was in high school really, and it was happening. It was not definite but it was happening. I felt ecstatic. I had hope that good things do actually happen; that the saying that has been protecting me for years “It’s too good to be true” was actually wrong. So yeah, I had lots and lots of hope. Hope has kept me going these last four weeks and now it has been taken away from me. It doesn’t feel good to say the very least.
When I received the heartbreaking news I cried silently. I then said “Well, at least it is Tuesday and I have a babysitter to help me and I can go to my room and be angry and sad all by myself.” And that is exactly what I am doing right now. The anger has subsided. I do feel bad for the toilet though. I yelled really loud at it. So loud in fact I am surprised the porcelain didn’t crack. Maybe that is because my heart cracked instead? Sigh.
So I have moved on from anger and now I am just stuck with the sadness and the lost sense of hope. I will not lie and tell you that I don’t feel like I am at rock bottom. I am there. There are only so many hits a girl can take, you know? As I write that I say to myself exactly what I said to a friend a month ago when my heart broke: “Have no fear. I will be okay. I have been knocked down a lot in my life. I know how to get back up. I am a fighter. I will be okay.”
I am a fighter.
I will be okay.
I am a fighter.
I will be okay.
Yes, I have been knocked down a lot in life. That is the honest to gosh truth. I have had my fair share of blows, but haven’t we all?
Haven’t we all been heartbroken, disappointed, and angry at some point whether it is over a fight with a friend, the fight to lose weight, or the loss of a loved one? It doesn’t matter what knocked me down today; I am pretty sure you all know how I feel. Whether it be from the examples I just shared or from just being a parent or even from the obvious, learning not to yell. Oh how the process of learning to yell less can make you feel pretty knocked down at times, am I right?
When I started The Orange Rhino Challenge I went 7ish days without yelling and then I lost it. I knocked myself down. And it felt awful. But, I got back up because I didn’t want to stay down; I refused to stay down. As I sit here crying, wondering how I am going to get up this time, how I am going to stop all the tears and go make dinner, I can’t help but think of three quotes that I have shared with you all when you yelled and felt knocked down:
“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down”.
Um, yes. I have fallen down. In many ways, I feel I have failed. Even though I know I am not the direct reason of my heartache, I still feel I have failed. But I will not stay down. I will not let myself be a failure.
“What looks like a loss may be the very event which is subsequently responsible for helping to produce the major achievement of your life.”
~Srully D. Blotnick
Um, yes. I feel that I have experienced a huge loss today. A loss of hope, a loss of self confidence, a loss of enthusiasm. But maybe indeed this loss will be a gain. It has to be. It just has to be.
“Life has many twists and turns and sometimes what looks like a very bad day can just be clearing the way for good things to come.”
– J Kim Wright
Um, heck yes. I can say for certain that today has been a very bad day. I tried to stay strong and hide my tears from my eldest who was with me when I got the news. “What’s wrong mommy?” “Oh, I am just very sad and hurt.” “What can I do to help? Can I give you lots of hugs and kisses until you don’t remember anymore why you are so sad.” “Thanks sweetie. That is such a kind offer. I’ll be okay. I promise.” Yeah, my six year old could tell the depth of my pain so I would say it was a bad day. But oh, oh that must mean that it is clearing the way for good things, right?
Yes. It has to be. It just has to be. I believe all the quotes above. And I believe the cliché that this is “a blessing in a disguise” because just today I said to my husband “something has to give, and I can’t figure out what.” And well although it stinks to not have been the one to decide what has to give, at least something did give.
Yes, I feel pretty cruddy right now but I can’t stay negative because it will not get me anywhere positive. I have no other choice but to believe these quotes, to believe the hope they offer because right now, in this moment, I so very much need them to be true, I so very much want them to be true.
Thirty minutes ago I slammed the door to my room, screamed into the toilet, and then collapsed on the floor in tears. I have wanted to do that for a long time. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I truly didn’t think I would find anyway to pull myself up off the floor. Thirty minutes ago I was lost with no hope, no strength. And now, after writing, I have a little more hope, a little more strength. I no longer feel like I am at rock bottom thanks to those quotes. I believe in them and I hope you do too. If you feel knocked down tonight or tomorrow because you yelled, please know that I know how you feel and my heart not only goes out to you, but it is right there next to you, getting up with you, believing with you that tomorrow will be a better day.
We can do this together, Orange Rhinos, this not staying knocked down thing. We can get up again.
Who is with me?
(P.S. Please do know that I will be okay. I feel better already after writing this. And this song is now in my head and it is making me smile!)