I Had to Break the Yelling Cycle

Posted on October 5, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

This guest post is part of my “Yell Less, Love More” blog book tour. In addition to several randomly selected bloggers, I randomly selected several Orange Rhinos without blogs to review my book and share their “yelling” story here. This courageous post by Joanne P., a mother to four young children, is her story about how she came to be an Orange Rhino.

I Knew I Had to Break the Yelling Cycle, but Never Knew it Was Possible. Bring on The Orange Rhino!
by Joanne P.

My name is Joanne and my story began many years ago…well 1980 to be exact. I was born into a very passionate family. I think passionate is the kind way to say we dealt with our emotions by yelling, slamming doors, stomping feet and getting angry. Mean things were said, not because we didn’t love each other, but because we just didn’t know any other way. My folks divorced when I was 8 years old and that didn’t help things. As I struggled to figure out what was going on when I was a kid, I continued to grow into a very independent, strong willed “I can do everything on my own”, fiery young woman. Now some of those qualities can be good, but the way I was walking through life was tough. I didn’t know how to ask for help and my first reaction to things not going “right”was to yell, say mean things and fly off the handle. I lost some friends along the way and it’s a miracle I have a good relationship with my sister now!

In 2003, I started dating my husband, Mike. By the grace of God that man stuck around even when I threw things during arguments!! Yup, I did that. Ugh! It was in this relationship that I first began my journey to calm down. I didn’t know then that I was taking the first baby steps to Yelling Less and Loving More…but it had started. Communication with my then boyfriend was key, we talked ALOT (still do)!! He asked me to marry him in 2005 and we were married in 2006! In 2007 we welcomed the first of our four kids into our lives! Little did I know then that becoming a Mom would bring up a lot of my old ways. Why was it so easy to yell at a toddler?? Why was it so easy for me to get all red faced and scare the daylights out of my son?? I didn’t know how to answer those questions in my first year of motherhood or even my second and third years.

A few more years passed and I now had two little boys. For several months I hadn’t been feeling good about the way I was reacting to my kids, I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong or what I could do, it was those closed door moments in my house when a kid wouldn’t go to nap, bedtime horrors, a toddler that wouldn’t eat or put a jacket on when it was 10 below zero outside. It was those moments that I was so quick to react, yell, and say mean things. I knew it all had to change, but didn’t know how. To be honest I can’t even remember now how I managed to stumble onto The Orange Rhino website. I have tried hard to remember, but I now know that I was just supposed to find it! In January 2013 I signed up for The Orange Rhino 30 Day Email Challenge. Who knew then that those first 30 days would change my life so dramatically!!

I worked through each day from the daily emails. Writing down all my thoughts, owning my yelling, discovering my triggers and learning what I could do to stop yells before they started! I remember thinking at the time that this challenge would make such a great book!!! How awesome would it be to reach millions of Mom’s and Dad’s and help them discover a path to Yelling Less and Loving More! Well, Sheila was already on that!!

Now we are here on the cusp of her Book launch and I have had the privilege to read and review her book for you all! What an honor!!

Here is what I love about this book first and foremost!! It is like talking to Sheila in person. Like sharing those down and dirty parenting secrets with your best friend. Those secrets you would never share at book club or bible study because they make you feel that embarrassed! In Sheila’s book, Yell Less Love More, you get to take that journey with her in a safe no guilt place! This isn’t about making ourselves feel bad about what we have done, it’s about discovering ourselves and learning a new way to walk through our days with our kids, our spouses and ourselves! It is brilliant!

Here are some of my favorite things about the book:

Easy to follow daily chapters! Day 1, Day 2 etc.. They are not too long and can easily be read over morning coffee or an evening glass of wine 😉
All the awesome quotes from the email challenge, Facebook page and new ones to help you along the way. I have always loved the inspirational quotes. I like writing them down and putting them up around the house!
All the personal stories from Sheila!! She has a knack for sharing her story and helping to make you feel and know that you are NOT alone!
Love Love Love the daily places to write things down and tips for going forward. This is a practical book, not just something you will read but a place that you can journal too! What a great way to commit to new ways of doing things and put them into practice.
All the things we have loved from the blog…like the Alternatives to Yelling and Triggering Tracking Sheet!! It is all there in one place! You even get your own Orange Rhino to cut out and use for signs!!

This book will not only help everyone feel like they are not alone, but it will help each of us own our past, look to the future with tips and alternatives to our struggles and lead us to a path of Yelling Less and Loving our families more! Some of the benefits I have seen in my family are not even things that I do, but how my kids deal with their relationships with each other. They have their own trigger phrases that I hear them say out loud when they are getting mad and it is unbelievable to me how I can see that by teaching myself new ways to deal with stress and yelling triggers, I am at the same time teaching my kids that too!! What a gift! We are breaking the cycle! No longer will my kids yell just because their Mom did!

In my almost two year journey, there have been great successes and major set backs. I have two more kids now than I had when I started the challenge, which means that even today I still have to work hard at being an Orange Rhino. My daughter sure knows how to push buttons and is a master at the grocery store scream!! You guys know the one I am talking about!!!

Thanks to Sheila and The Orange Rhino community I always have a place to share and learn and grow! This book and this community is all about building each other up and growing in love!

Thank you Sheila for sharing your story and helping so many of us become Orange Rhino’s! I think I can say on behalf of the whole Orange Rhino Community…..THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU, from the bottom of our HEARTS!

Now everyone…..GO BUY THIS BOOK!!! It will change your life!! You can pre-order it here!
Love ~ Joanne

Questions from 1st Graders

Posted on March 20, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

Ah, kids. Sure, they can push our buttons and push us to yell at times. But oh, oh they can also pull at our hearts and push us to a happier place with their innocent questions and answers.

Today, about 80 first graders, or 76 to be precise per the math of my first grader, pulled at my heart big time. The first graders in my son’s school are currently writing stories and when my son’s teacher announced the unit, he got all excited!

“Ms. S, my mommy wrote a story! She can tell you about it!”

So Ms. S asked me to come in and talk to the kids about the process of writing a book. Not gonna lie, the thought of talking to 80 munchkins terrified me! Kids can ask the most amazing questions – amazing in how their innocence rings so true, sometimes in comfortable ways, sometimes in not so comfortable ways. I braced myself with a bunch of big flashy posters, some orange socks and my favorite orange sweater and necklace and headed in.

It was an absolute BLAST!

I started talking and asked some questions along the way. The questions and answers were fairly telling, and probably not surprising to you. Here is the cliff notes version, not entirely accurate and probably not nearly as funny or precious when written by me as compared to spoken by a seven year old, but you’ll get the idea.

Me: So, I am here because I wrote a book. I got the idea one day because I decided I didn’t like yelling at my kids. Yelling hurts feelings. I can’t imagine you guys yell at anyone, right? (Giggles and laughter erupt. Raising hands goes out the window!)

Them:
Oh, I do all the time.
I yell at my brother just because he always takes me toys.
I yell at my sister. She sings the song from Frozen too much.
I yell at my mom because she annoys me sometimes.

Then of course… “well, my parents yell at me” and “my parents yell at me when I yell at my sister” and “I don’t like being yelled at.”

At this point, I thought, shit, there are going to be some parents unhappy with me tonight for bringing this topic to light and opening a huge can of worms. Oops! Sincerest apologies! Moving right along.

Me: Let’s look at the cover. A cover helps tell the reader what the book is going to be about. What do you think the book is about?

Them:
Love.
Lots and lots of LOTS of love.
Um, not yelling. Loving instead?
Do something nicer more.
What are those small words? Oh, okay, so you will give ideas.

Okay, those answers were spot on and safe. Enter a follow-up question:

Me: So yes, I will give some ideas. What are some of your ideas on what can you do instead of yelling?

Them:
Use our nice words.
Speak quietly.
Squeeze our hands.
Ask for help.
Say, “I’m Sorry.”
Just, you know, walk away.

Love. Way to go munchkins! See, they do listen to us…and someday they will show they listen by doing it!

I continued along and shared about the process and as soon as I wrapped up, the hands shot into the air and the questions started flooding in. Their interest in the book process (probably in any process) floored me. Then again, whenever I stop and really listen to my kids, their questions flood in and floor me as well – kids are cool like that.

Here are their insightful, spot on, and great questions – and some of my answers that I thought you would find relevant.

Why did you want to write a book?
I wanted to write the book because I wanted to share my story and hopefully make some people feel better.

Do you actually like writing?
Yes, I do! (Pause, how do I answer this to inspire this munchkin who clearly isn’t a fan of writing? Eh hem, my son!) Writing is like a puzzle sometimes. You have to find the right words to go together which is fun! And then sometimes, writing makes me feel better, you know, it’s like keeping a journal. Writing is way better than yelling when angry! Sometimes I get what’s called “writer’s block” or I don’t know how to spell a word and I get frustrated, but that’s okay. I know I’ll figure it out!

How can they print the book in another country if we live here and speak another language?
(Loved this. So sweet. Especially in the Internet age where these kids use devices all the time and email comes to mind before writing a real letter!)

Did you write the names of anyone on the inside, you know, like the first page?(Trying to understand until I got it…) Oh, you mean, like a dedication? Yes, I dedicated the book to my four boys because without them, without their love and support, I wouldn’t have become an Orange Rhino.

How will you feel if lots of people buy your book?
Very excited and proud – it feels great to work hard on something and complete it! Right? Like when you get a star on your math sheets!

(and the doozer…)

How will you feel if no one buys your book?
Wow. Great question. I probably would feel sad at first and disappointed. It is hard to work on something a lot and have it not succeed. Right? Like maybe you work hard at a soccer game, and you lose? But here’s the thing. No matter what, I’ll feel proud that I did it – that I worked hard and did my best.

How long did it take, like, how many minutes did it take to write the book?
(I love how they think in minutes, not hours or even days or weeks. Interesting perspective…great reminder to me to focus more on the minute, the moment.)

Are you going to make a lot of money?
(Laughing…) No, probably not. But I didn’t do it for the money. I did it because it made me happy to write and to know my story might make someone feel a little bit better.

Do you have to buy your own book?
(Again, laughing) Nope. I get a few copies!

Why did you choose an Orange Rhino as your, what’s it called, logo?
Well…here is a funny, gross story. But you can’t do this at home or ever, promise? One day my son yelled at me. I said to him, “If mommy can’t yell, what does that mean for you?” He said, “I can’t yell, but I can still pick my nose!” That night I looked up nose and it comes from the word Rhino. Then I looked up Rhinos and they are naturally calm animals that charge when provoked. I don’t want to be a gray, charging Rhino. I want to be an Orange Rhino – orange is a warm, cheerful, loving type color. So I want to be warm and calm.

Why are there four birds? Oh, because you have four kids.
Yes, and because rhinos and birds have a special relationship. The birds eat the bugs off the rhino’s back. This fills the birds bellies and helps the rhinos at the same time to not get angry at the bugs. So they help each other other; they have each other’s back! A family is like that!

Where can my mom buy the book?
(Oh boy…my sincerest apologies to that mom for stoking this fire!) She can buy it online if she wants sweetie. But you know what, I bet she is trying really hard already to yell less because she loves you.

Can I read it to my sister?
Go for it!

Can dads buy the book?
Yes! Anyone can!

Have you started your second book? (Gotta love the ambition!)
Oh my gosh, not yet! I have to wait and see how this does. But if I do, maybe the next one will be a children’s book about a character names Owen The Orange Rhino and how he is trying to figure out how to yell less and love more!

And the winner…

Do you yell?
(Said so innocently and without fear. Love it.) Sometimes I have, yep. I am not perfect. We all make mistakes sometimes and that is okay. If I make a mistake, I make sure to apologize, just try harder the next time, and to forgive myself.

And on that note, if you yelled today, forgive yourself. If there is one thing I came to really embrace more than even while writing my book, it’s that the goal isn’t perfection. Perfection isn’t going to happen. The goal is progress and more loving moments, or as kids say, minutes, along the way. And if there is one thing I came to really embrace more than ever today, it’s that our kids are interested. I asked my kids to help support me on my journey to yell less – to call me out when they thought I was going to yell, to do a silly dance with me when I needed to let steam off, to give me some quiet time to calm down. I mean it when I say I wouldn’t have made it without them. Don’t be afraid to include your kids in your journey. They might just amaze you…somehow kids always do. When we let them. And hey, in the process you might just amaze yourself.

Finally, Free From the Mucky Muck!

Posted on March 18, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

I have had a mantra in my head for a while now: 2013, Take a Hike, 2014, Bring It!

I know. It’s March 18^th, 2014 and not 11:59 on New Year’s Eve 2013. So what the heck is up with just sharing this mantra? Am I late to the game in sharing New Year’s Resolutions? Nope. I already did that here where I wrote about re-focusing on Yelling Less and Loving More again, because really, it is a journey and not a destination! Am I late to the game in reflecting on 2013 and my feelings for it? Nope. I have done that for most of 2013! So why the sudden reference to it then?

Well, because until today, I haven’t had the positive energy to officially tell 2013 to take a hike and 2014 to bring it (even though everyone in close proximity to me knows I have wanted to!) I just haven’t believed that 2014 would be a better year! You see, while 2013 brought lots of wonderful, wonderful things my way, it also brought a lot of strife my way every time I turned around (or so it felt.) There was this post about my son’s seizures, this post about marriage, and this post about depression. And I am yet to write about the real negative impact my broken foot had on me this fall or about the day my son fell, hit his head and was rushed to the Head Trauma center.

I no longer wanted my cast to push me to snap from frustration. So I wrote myself a BIG reminder to keep it together. After this, my boys colored all around it. My most beautiful cast ever!

Yes, 2013 was filled with a lot of yuck. I have never been so thrilled to kiss a year goodbye, as I was this past New Year’s Eve! And I have never been so excited to start a new year, to start fresh; to create new, more positive memories that don’t necessarily erase the past ones, but definitely help the yucky ones not be so dominant and present in my mind.

These last few months I have really tried to focus on being positive, on being grateful. And not just because I know those two mentalities help me to not yell per my “New Year’s Resolution,” but because that is the place I want to be! I have tried to pull out of the muck from 2013 that held me down, that held me back from laughing and living as fully as I wanted, but as life goes sometimes, despite my best efforts, 2014 pretty much started off a lot like 2013, making it hard, not impossible, to choose to be in a good place more often than not! Booo!

And then, today happened. Today I felt that positivity and gratefulness at such an immense level that well, quite frankly, I had the best day of 2014 yet!

Today, and last night, you all bestowed such love, enthusiasm and support upon me around the announcement of my book that for the first time in a while, I could feel my feet lifting from the mucky muck. Today I finally felt that 2014 was bringing it – just as I hoped and so very much craved! Today, my heart yelled a lot less and loved a lot more. A lot, lot more. Because of you. And I am crying as I write this because I am just not sure you understand the depths of my appreciation and sincere, utter gratitude to you for taking to time to write such kind words to me about the upcoming release of my book.

I have written before that The Orange Rhino Community is an amazing place and that my folks, is an understatement! It is so rare to find a place free of judgment and full of such love and support for strangers. It is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I love being an Orange Rhino and being part of this amazing movement of parents and I truly hope that the rest of 2014 gives me ample opportunities to meet all of you so that I can say thank you in person for helping to make this Community what it is; for helping to make me who I am; for helping to make me believe that 2014 will bring good things!!

And on that note, I am going to sign off and absorb all the gratitude and love I feel so that if 2014 dares to act like 2013, I have a positive memory to recall quick and easily before any mucky muck tries to pull me down! (Sorry for the “Bob the Builder” television show reference there, when you have watched it for 6 years straight, it is on your mind all the time, even more so than negative memories. Ha! Bob the Builder, can we fix it. Bob the Builder yes we can. You all are totally helping me to fix the path of my 2014 – thank you, again!)

All my best,
The Orange Rhino

Yell Less, Love More…THE BOOK!

Posted on March 17, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

I am so excited to finally be able to share some exciting news with you! Gosh, keeping it a secret from you all for the last six months has been excruciating! I have had to watch everything I write… and that at times inadvertently kept me from writing… and not writing inadvertently added stress because writing is such a source of both stress relief and joy… and without stress relief and extra joy I have been on the verge of yelling… and if you have an Orange Rhino on the verge of yelling, well, that just means that I have needed to read and re-read the book I just wrote!

Yep! The secret is out! I have spent most of the summer and this fall writing,

Yell Less, Love More:
How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids – and How You Can Too!

When my publisher approached me last spring to write a guidebook of sort for parents on how to stop yelling, I felt utterly flabbergasted, incredibly honored, extremely excited and well, wicked overwhelmed! How would it read, casual and conversational just like my blog or professional and formal like a “real” book? And how would I arrange it so that it would be approachable for busy parents like myself with barely enough time to go pee let alone read a chapter of a book? And how would I write it, like a parenting book or like a parenting memoir? Oh my mind filled with so many questions and so many ideas that it is amazing my head didn’t burst! But alas, I figured it out and I really excited about how it turned out and I think you will be too when you get a chance to read it this Fall 2014!

Here are the details about the book!

Yell Less, Love More is a parenting memoir, a parenting guide and a parenting journal! (What can I say, I wanted to put everything together in one place for you to make your journey as simple as possible!) It is written just like my blog: honest, sometime heartbreaking, sometimes humorous and never shaming. You will not read one statistic or one line about why you are a bad parent because you yelled. I promise. Instead you will read 30 short and simple daily segments that consist of a story from my journey that hopefully makes you feel more normal and less alone, and then an action plan (based on my experience) to help you on your journey to yell less.

The Memoir Part: I worked hard to make sure that the majority of the stories not only touch upon universal triggers that many can relate to, but also that a majority of the stories are brand new so you don’t feel like you are re-reading my blog! Get excited – the new stories are the ones that I never had the courage to share!

The Guide Part: The action plan portion is short and sweet (about a page) and starts with key, inspiring, and often new revelations from my journey, followed by one to two actions for the day, three to four tips to prevent yelling, and then one of my favorite inspirational quotes that kept me motivated on my journey.

The Journal Part: Any time it is possible, there is even space allocated for you to take notes. So I guess Yell Less, Love More is a memoir and a guide and a working journal! Especially since the last chapter is “Resources” and includes a trigger tracking sheet, a color Orange Rhino logo to print out, and a journal for you to track your top alternatives that worked for you. This way you don’t have to go to my blog to print these items out!

If you are thinking even though it is broken down into 30 days you still won’t have time to read it, don’t fret! I chose this publisher because they wanted to print the book in color! (I mean, it is The Orange Rhino after all….) Anyway, because it is printed in color and the publisher rocks at layout design, it is very easy to:

Find and separate the daily stories from the revelations, actions, and tips.
So if you have time to read an entire day, go for it! If you only have one minute to yourself, you can quickly find the daily tips (they are in a very easy to spot graphic design!) If you have more than a few minutes, you can then quickly find the revelations.

Find the key points without reading the entire book!
One of the last chapters is kind of like the cliff notes if you will and exists purely because I know there are days when you just won’t have time to read but want some quick help! It includes summaries of all the key points: top lessons learned, top triggers and how I manage them, top alternatives to yelling, top questions and answers etc….

I feel like I am forgetting to tell you something! Right – You can pre-order at the following link.
http://www.qbookshop.com/products/214147/9781592336333/Yell-Less-Love-More.html
This is the publisher’s site and will direct you to any book site you normally order from. The price at the other book sites (too many to mention) is significantly less, especially if you order now! When the book prints this fall, it will ship right out to you! And yes, e-books will follow as soon as the hard copy hits.

Oh, you finally get to see some pictures of my boys and officially learn my name. Yes, I am The Orange Rhino but those who know me call me Sheila McCraith. Not gonna lie though, I like The Orange Rhino better; it is much for fun and less formal which is what this book is all about! Learning to stop yelling can be daunting and hard and boring. I really think though, that one main reason I succeeded in learning to stop yelling is that I made the journey fun. As Dale Carnegie says,

“People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.”

Even though the topic of this book is serious per say, and even though some of my personal stories are on the more serious side, I promise you that there still is a lot of fun in this book! I want you to enjoy the journey so you are best set up to succeed because that is really what I want for you. I know first hand how yucky it feels to want to change and to want to stop yelling – and I don’t want any of my friends (that’s you!) to feel that way if they don’t have too. I want you all to feel a bit of the increased happiness, calmness, and love that I have found as a result of yelling less and I really, REALLY hope this book helps you achieve that.

All my best and a heart full of gratitude to you for helping my dreams come true,
The Orange Rhino
a.k.a Sheila