Our household (apparently like most of the world!) has recently been all about the new Star Wars movie, “The Force Awakens.” My five boys (if you include my husband and I most certainly need to in this case!) have literally been talking about it non-stop since they saw the first commercial for the movie back in November and quite possibly have been even more excited about its release than Christmas! Their enthusiasm was incredibly contagious and I couldn’t help but to join them in their excitement so…I made sure that we had tickets for this past weekend and I made sure that we had watched all of the Star Wars movies before we were blasted off to the movie theatre on Saturday, December 19^th. I am so glad I got completely wrapped up in the Star Wars mania as the entire experience, especially the movie, was an outright blast.

It should be of no surprise then that with Star Wars on my mind 24-7 that the blog post “Jedi Mind Tricks to Yell Less” popped into my mind. Although I have been quiet on the blog for quite some while, my mind most certainly has not. Boat loads of blog posts written it has; just typed them out it has not! 🙂 Seriously, every day my mind thinks about yelling less and being an Orange Rhino. As I shared in my book, the journey to Yell Less and Love More didn’t stop the day I reached my initial goal. Everyday I recommit to my promise to yell less and everyday I work to keep said goal on my mind so that I can successfully be The Orange Rhino that I want to be.

Some days it is easier than others.
And well some days the dark side is strong in me and keeping it at bay is tough.

Thankful I am though, for a few new mind tricks I have developed over the past year that are helping me to stay on The Orange Side and away from the Dark Side. I share them with you just in case you too are looking for some ways to “trick” your mind into the best mentality needed to stay on The Orange Side!

Trick #1: Use the Word “Now”
Nope, I don’t mean use it when trying to get your kids to do something, I mean saying it to yourself! I have always found perspective to be a powerful tool to prevent yelling. I add the phrase “I am grateful” to the beginning of frustrated comments or I add the phrase “at least” at the end to help ground me. “I am grateful that you are healthy enough to run around wild and crazy!” “I can’t believe you spilled the milk…at least your brothers didn’t too!” Perspective works wonders and now, “now” is another phrase that helps! This one is particularly useful for me when I get frustrated about my how hard I have to work on certain days to not yell. Using the word “now” reminds me that the current situation doesn’t predict the future. It gives me a sense of hope that success will come, that just because I am struggling today doesn’t mean I will forever struggle.

Saying “ugh, I am struggling to yell less” left me defeated and angry with myself which totally didn’t help on the tough days! “Ugh, I am struggling to yell less now” leaves me encouraged to keep going and to reach for the future. “Now” also encourages me that my kid’s behavior isn’t permanent. Oh the difference between, “He won’t listen to me” and “he won’t listen to me now” (but maybe, pretty please!, he will in the future if I keep trying to communicate?!) Just knowing that the rest of the day could get easier keeps me positive which helps me yell less. It sounds silly, but using the word “now” really helps to chill me out and to inspire me to keep working hard. So start using this word, now 😉

Trick #2: Remind Yourself that the Urge to Yell Will Pass
I read the most fascinating book last spring: “The Willpower Instinct” by Kelly McGonigal. I soaked up every word and filled the pages with notes and insights and questions for myself as so much related to my emotional eating challenges and my passion to yell less and love more. One key take away I had from the book–and I am going to muck it up here here and I can’t find the book to make the statement accurate (yes I loved it, yes I lost it, yes I am wicked annoyed) so please bear with me–is that urges pass. No matter how big an urge is, the desire to engage in a non-desired behavior (smoking, binge eating, complaining) or yelling (my addition as it wasn’t mentioned in the book!) will pass. The best way to help the urge pass is to not fight it, but rather to accept it. “Okay, I so want to yell. I can feel it in my body. I feel my hands sweating. Okay, these feelings will pass.” I use this trick a lot lately for a lot of different things and it has been a game changer!!!

Trick #3: Asking yourself, “What do I know to be true?”
Full disclosure, I learned this trick from my therapist…kind of. She taught me to say this phrase to myself whenever my youngest son got a high fever and I started fearing he would have a seizure. (Remember, last year was a brutal, brutal year for my son Mac and admittedly it took a toll on me.) So now I fight my nerves by saying, “What do I know to be true? I know that I can give him medicine and that helps. I know the hospital is close if there is an emergency. I know his blood tests are okay and there isn’t a bigger problem.” This method totally works in that situation and I have adapted it to work with yelling less too, in lots of different situations.

My kids aren’t listening. “Okay, what do I know to be true? They are so excited for Christmas they can’t focus. I know I acted the same way as a child. I know there behavior right now isn’t because I am a bad parent or because they are bad kids.” Empathy achieved. Calmness achieved. Yelling not achieved!

My kids won’t go to sleep. “Okay, what do I know to be true? If I yell the process will go slower. My kids are dawdling because they want me, not because they want to piss me off. I can do this.” Confidence achieved. Calmness achieved. Yelling not achieved!

My kids aren’t the issue, my insecurity is! “Okay, what do I know to be true? I am snappy with the kids because it’s me, not them. I am worried that parents are talking about me because of my son’s temper tantrum at the park. But I know that they are other reasons they might be talking. Maybe they are talking about the 70 degree weather in December (ridiculous!) Maybe they are talking about the fact that I handled the tantrum as well as one could. Maybe they are talking about how we need a girls night out.” Trigger management achieved. Calmness achieved. Yelling not achieved!

I so know to be true that this trick works!!!

Trick #4: Tell Yourself that the Force is Within You
We all know Yoda is a wise teacher and perfectly teach about self-confidence in this exchange with Luke he does:

Luke: “I can’t believe it.”
Yoda: “That is why you fail.”

Um, yep. Accurate you are Yoda. On tough days, when I start to doubt my ability to be an Orange Rhino and I tell myself “I can’t do this,” then not yelling just becomes harder. But on those tough days if I tell myself that I have the force within myself, that I have the energy, determination, and skills to stay calm during a meltdown…to be loving when all I feel is anger…to turn around and take a break when I am at wits end…to use an alternative to yelling…to be empathetic, well then, then I succeed.

Struggling to believe that you have the force within yourself to yell less? Tell yourself about all the times you did indeed not yell! You have been successful, you have used the Orange Rhino force and you will continue to do so! Believe in you I do! I leave you with a final Star Wars quote (and yes I had to research all of them as I don’t know them by heart like my hubby) from Obi Wan Kenobi in appropriately the movie, “A New Hope:”

“Remember…the Force will be with you always.”

If you seek more insights and tips to yell less and love more, and if you seek to no longer feel alone on this journey, but rather understood and supported, check out my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too!” Knowing how us parents have limited time. I have broken down the journey into 30 days, with each daily reading taking no more than a couple of minutes.

Unfortunately, before I started my original Orange Rhino Challenge to go 365 days straight without yelling at my four boys (then ages 5 and under), the “Not-So-Great” Thanksgiving of 2010 happened. Oh, how I wish that I’d decided to teach myself to “Yell Less, Love More” before that turkey day — for then this story wouldn’t still be stuck in my memory… because it wouldn’t have happened in the first place! Nope, all the lessons I learned in my 520 days straight of not yelling would have come into play and prevented me from ruining that Thanksgiving with my relentless yelling. Sigh. Oh well. Here’s how it went down, literally.

Or cranberry sauce.

Or any of the foods that one typically serves on Thanksgiving, for that matter.

Except, well, the white stuff: bread, butter, mashed potatoes, and more butter!

But I love Thanksgiving Day. I love making a big, roaring fire and then cuddling up with my boys to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love oohing and ahhingover all the floats together and sharing stories with my boys about when I was a kid and couldn’t wait to watch the parade. I love sitting down to eat and first having cranberry juice with rainbow sherbet and telling my boys that this is a tradition passed down from my great-grandmother. I love eating ice cream turkeys with my boys, a tradition passed down by me!

And yet, I hated Thanksgiving 2010 because I ruined it.

I ruined it by yelling, big-time. Over a picture. A freakin’ picture. Seriously?! Yes, seriously. As soon as the parade wrapped up, I decided it was the perfect time for the annual “Let’s watch Mom jump up and down and act like a clown to make us smile” holiday card photo shoot. Yes, of course, this moment after James, Edward, and Andrew (then ages 4, 3, and 1) had just been sitting peacefully and quietly for an hour, and only wanted to run outside and play — this was the perfect time to ask them to sit still, again. And smile. And keep their hands to themselves. And try to be patient with my constant requests for, “Just one more picture, please?” I knew at the time that I was pushing my luck, given the circumstances and their ages, but I still pushed.

As expected, given my picture-taking history, my boys whined when I told them it was picture time. As I geared up to corral them into the living room (and to start offering bribes galore), Andrew took off as usual and ran into — of all rooms — the living room. He jumped onto the couch, laughing hysterically as he crashed into the pillows. James and Edward of course followed suit, and all three boys started laughing and tickling each other and having a grand old time. So much so that, when I shouted, “Hey, look at me!” they didn’t realize I had just taken a picture. It was, and still is, one of my favorite pictures in the entire world. The happiness. The love. The joy. The smiles. It melted my heart.

So you’d think I would have stopped right then, right?

No more pictures needed, right?!

Wrong.

I wanted to make sure that I had the best picture. The perfect picture. I wanted to see if I could do better, even though I felt I had just been delivered a miracle. I got greedy, really, really greedy, and I asked, “One more picture, please?” They acquiesced for a few minutes, but understandably soon grew tired of my never-ending demands to sit still and smile. They had behaved wonderfully and cooperatively for so long; now they were done. They had reached their limit and started squirming, whining, pinching each other, and refusing to cooperate. So I started yelling. And I didn’t stop. I didn’t stop because I so badly wanted the perfect picture and I thought that yelling would force them to behave. (I now know better!)

“Sit still!” I barked.

“Just one more! Be good!” I whined.

“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO THIS FOR ME?!” I yelled.

And my famous, or rather infamous, Thanksgiving 2010 line: “It’s Thanksgiving, for cripes’ sake! I would be so grateful for just one good picture. PLEASE! Just smile!” I screamed.

The more I yelled, the more they cried. The more they cried, the worse the pictures were, so the more I yelled

Finally, I gave up and said, ever so shamefully and nastily, “That’s it! I have had it. All I wanted was a picture. Thanks for nothing.”

James, Edward, and Andrew then promptly ran out of the room, crying to Daddy and the grandmas. James screamed, “Mommy’s a meanie.” Edward sobbed, “I don’t like her.” Andrew just cried and cried, clearly scared by how loud and nasty my voice had gotten. And I went to the bathroom and also cried and cried, feeling all the same thoughts as my kids. I pouted the rest of the day as I felt so mortified and ashamed that I had screamed at my young children for behaving well — ashamed that I had unnecessarily taken my own problem with perfection out on them.

I couldn’t look any of the other adults in the eye for the rest of the day. I felt so sad that my need for the perfect picture pushed me to lose it so horrifically. My guilt and shame then kept me from enjoying the holiday. Thanksgiving is one of the days where I often feel nothing but love, and yet, that year… that year I couldn’t feel it because I had yelled to the point where all I felt was hatred for myself.

The sad thing is that Thanksgiving wasn’t the only time I felt such anger at myself for yelling at my kids over trying to get a picture. Nope, it had happened many times before. And while I sit here wanting to write that it’s all just because I am a perfectionist and seek perfection in everything I do, that’s a partial cop-out. It goes deeper than that.

Yes, yes, I seek the perfect picture of all my boys looking at the camera, smiling flawlessly and not picking their noses. But it’s not just because I am a perfectionist; it’s also because I am insecure. Oftentimes in life, I seek comfort, confidence, and reassurance that I am living a happy, good life — that I am doing well at this parenting thing, that I have happy children. And, well, whenever I feel that way, I find that looking at pictures soothes my insecurities and proves to me that I am doing OK.

If I feel frustrated and down and overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting, I can look at that “perfect” picture and look straight into those gorgeous twinkling eyes and remember that it is all worth it, that my kids are happy and it’s worth the work. If I find myself feeling sad that life is passing by too fast, my kids are growing up too fast, and I feel I have missed out, I can look at that “perfect” picture and remember: no, I didn’t miss it, I was right there and it was wonderful. And if I feel stressed about life in general, then looking at pictures of my family having fun, enjoying a special vacation, enjoying a special holiday, enjoying each other helps soothe my negative mood and move me to a more positive, grateful, happy, and definitely less stressed place.

Pictures bring me comfort by helping me feel secure in this world, and, rightly or wrongly, I rely on them for this. That is the real reason I push for perfect pictures. I don’t yell at my kids during picture time because I want the most beautiful picture ever; it’s because I am afraid that if I don’t get that picture, then I won’t have something to look at when I need it most. I yell at them because of me, because of my insecurities, not because of them and their inability to sit still longer than children their age should.

The Orange Rhino Challenge and all the trigger digging I did helped me to see the real reason I yelled. And by default, it helped me let go and chill out during picture time. Now when I find myself struggling to not yell at my kids when I desperately want a picture, I say to myself:

Hey, just relax. You’ll get what you get. Don’t push it or you won’t get a thing except crying kids, an upset you, and therefore a bad picture and a more upset you. It’s not worth it! Yelling doesn’t work, it just makes things worse. Remember, it’s not them you are frustrated with; it’s you. They are doing fine — you are causing the stress. Chill out. Just chill out. Remember, the goal isn’t the perfect picture. It’s enjoying the moment. Don’t ruin it by yelling.

I can happily say that I now enjoy those special moments in my life even more than before because my need for perfection and my instinct to yell aren’t dampening them. Do I still struggle and have to push myself to let go of perfection at times? Yes. Do I still struggle and have to push myself to “Yell Less, Love More” during trying times? Yes. I am the Orange Rhino, but I am not perfect! But I struggle a lot less and for that I will jump up and down, act like a clown, and do all sorts of crazy things to make myself smile and feel good about my progress. Because of all the things I have learned as part of my my Orange Rhino Challenge to Yell Less + L.O.V.E. More, one most definitely is this: the goal is not about perfection, it’s about progress.

And I am making progress — I am yelling less and loving more — and that is what matters to me more than perfection.

This story originally appeared in my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can too!” Part parenting guide, part memoir, part journal, her book takes you on a 30-day journey full of honest stories, alternatives to yelling and steps to follow so that you too can Yell Less. Find more about her book here.

I wrote the following kind of sarcastic, kind of true, sentence in my head back in July. Or was it June? Perhaps even as early as May?

“My name is The Orange Rhino and I wrote a book about how to stop yelling at my kids and now I need to read my own book.”

Well, that was probably the most fun sentence I have ever shared with you all! Oi! I had full intentions of sharing that sentence with you all this past summer, followed of course by all the “wonderful” details about how I had started struggling with yelling again. I didn’t keep it from you out of embarrassment, nope that was definitely not the case; it’s just that the following happened….

Shortly after that sentence started floating in my mind (okay, bombarding my mind,) I finally accepted that it wasn’t just a sentence, but that it was a true statement that needed to be brought to life. Yes, I finally accepted that it was time to really, like really, really, focus more of my energy on being an Orange Rhino. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been focusing on yelling less and loving more, oh I totally had been, it’s just that I finally accepted that I needed to take my efforts to a new level because I wasn’t making as much progress as I hoped. Although I felt a wee bit deflated and a big bit frustrated, kind of like I did when I started my journey to stop yelling back in January 2012, I felt these yucky feelings to a much lesser degree because this go around I knew that I had a tried-and-true resource to help me.

I had my book.

Seriously, this was my first thought when it hit me hard that I needed to up my game and oh did it bring me immense relief, comfort, hope, and determination. I knew in my heart that my book would help me figure out why the heck I was yelling so much again. I knew it would remind me of some of my favorite tricks to try in the heat of the moment. I knew it would give me inspiration to keep going when I wanted to quit trying to improve. And most importantly, I knew it would guide me back to being the parent I loved being and knew I was capable of being.

So I picked my book, and started reading.

As hoped, my book did guide me right back to being The Orange Rhino I hoped to be.
And well, at the same time it guided me away from writing hence the non-existent post this summer!

You see, as soon as I started following the 30-day guide in my book, and started tracking my triggers and digging deep, I quickly realized that the biggest thing I needed to do to get me back on track was to take care of me. Like, immediately. Like, should have done weeks, no months ago. “Of course you are struggling with yelling,” I thought to myself, “you aren’t doing any of what you know to do because you have absolutely nothing left in your tank. You are more than depleted. You need an honest to goodness break.”

So took a break I did, from anything and everything that I could.
Oh, and yell less and love more I also did, and still do.

I am successfully back to being The Orange Rhino parent I aim to be and man am I grateful! The land of The Orange Rhino is a much more peaceful, pleasant, and enjoyable place to be than the land of the grumpy grey rhino! That said, I know that I still need to keep my mind 110% focused on staying in this state to ensure that I really stay in this groove. So, I am planning to re-read my book again and I would love it if you read along with me and take this journey alongside me!

Let’s get to and stay in Orange Rhino land together…and let’s do it with a book club!

Yes, a book club. Yeah! Finally…after months of wanting to do one I actually have the reserves to do one. I am psyched, are you?! Here are the details.

Book Club TIMING:
November 1, 2015 to December 1, 2015.
Each day we will read 1 day out of the book, which averages about 3-5 pages so the time commitment to reading is completely manageable!

WHERE:
The book club will be held online at The Orange Rhino private community (www.theorangerhino.com/community) Why here instead of Facebook you ask? The private community offers a very organized approach to sharing information and therefore gives all members the ability to easily:

• Connect and communicate with others, especially those who share some of the same struggles as you do, giving you more personalized information/stories to help you on your journey and a wicked awesome support network
• Read posts by others that guaranteed will make you feel less alone and more hopeful
• Stay on track and follow along even if you missed a day (all posts have headers and will clearly indicate which day is in discussion)
• Privately post questions and concerns and receive nonjudgmental advice and loving support
• Search the content for specific topics without having to scroll through numerous posts (think of The Community as an online yelling encyclopedia! Struggle with yelling in the car? Search “yelling in the car”)
• Keep track your own entries which in effect gives you an online diary which is a great tool for this journey, and
• Return to and review the Book Club information even after the book club is over

Also, many have shared with me that despite a love for Facebook, it is also indeed a major trigger J so I hope that just by being at The Orange Rhino private community you will already find yourself yelling less and loving more even before you are deep into the book club!

HOW the Book Club will work:
Each morning (assuming no emergencies!) I will post which pages to read and a question to think about/write about that day. When applicable I will also share links to other blog posts, links to other resources, extra inspirational quotes and extra tips to try. Additionally, I will offer the choice to sign up for a daily email reminding you to check in. Accountability is a great tool in the journey to yell less, as is having as many reminders as possible!

BONUS features for this Book Club!
Many of you have already participated in the book club so not only will I add new material, but also I am adding a few things. This Book Club will include occasional:

• Conference Calls to help guide you through some of the more “technical” aspects of the book*
• Videos to encourage you to keep going (and so I can pretend that I am sitting in a coffee shop, talking to you live!)*
• Online Chats on the Community to answer any questions*
• Giveaways of Orange Rhino paraphernalia to celebrate the book turning 1!*Times and dates for the calls/videos/chats will be shared ahead of time

How to SIGN-UP and get started:
As all book clubs go, I will lead the days’ discussions based on the content in the book. So, understandably, you need the book to participate! My sincere hope is that the combination of the book content and the enhanced support and conversation on the community will truly help make your journey to “Yell Less, Love More” both easier and enjoyable! Ready to start your journey?

1. Email any proof of purchase of the book/e-book (photo, screenshot, receipt) to YellLessLoveMore@gmail.com. DEADLINE Thursday, October 29th
2. You will then receive an email with your login information for the private community and other key information. It might take a few days to receive your email as I manually enter everyone into the Community and it takes a bit of time. Thanks in advance for your patience!
3. IF you did the last Book Club, then you do not need to send proof of purchase, just an email so that I can add you to the new forum (you will still have access to the old ones.)
4. You can start reading the book now if you want – or wait to read with us so you are at the same spot as others. If it were me, I would read the Introduction and then just flip through the rest to get a feel for the layout of the book and some of the questions.

So there you have it, all the information you need to participate in the next “Yell Less, Love More 30-Day Challenge Book Club!” I really hope that you will join and that we have the chance to read the book together!

Looking forward to November 1^st and taking this journey alongside you,
The Orange Rhino
a.k.a. Sheila

Today I read the now viral article about how the owner of a diner in Maine yelled at a customer, a customer who happened to be a two-year-old child. Supposedly, the child was carrying on and on and the owner had enough so she screamed at the child to knock it off. Understandably so, this popular story has elicited a lot of responses about who was right and who was wrong. And while I would love to share my opinion on that matter, instead I am going to focus on one line from the article that reminded me of one of the many important lessons I learned when I stopped (and started and stopped) yelling at my kids.

The last line of the article reads, “I wouldn’t say I was sorry (for yelling,) because it stopped. When things stop, it’s usually a good thing.”

The owner isn’t alone in her thinking that the yelling worked so it’s a good approach. In my four years as The Orange Rhino, a parent determined to respond to triggers warmly and without yelling, just about every single parent I have communicated with has shared the same sentiment. “But yelling works. It stops the behavior that I want to stop.”

I get this sentiment. Oh how I get this sentiment. Trust me!

I have thought that “oh, well yelling works” more times than I can count! I have wanted to buy into this thought as a supporting theory for why it is okay to yell at my kids oh so many times! Yes, when all else fails and my constructive attempts to get my kids to clean up, to stop hitting each other, to go to bed, or to do whatever haven’t worked, yelling has “saved the day” and “worked.” When I used to get loud and mean enough, I eventually either scared my children or hurt their feelings enough so that they stopped dead in their tracks causing the annoying behavior to stop as well.

But does that mean the yelling really worked? That it was a good thing?
I am going to argue no.

Yes, on the surface level the yelling worked. When I yelled, I achieved a short-term goal of getting a said behavior to stop. But let me be honest; that really isn’t my main goal when I think of getting a behavior to stop. One of my main goals as a parent is to teach my children so that their good behavior continues and their “bad” behavior disappears not just for a moment but mostly forever. I don’t want to just stop it once; I want to stop it for (again, mostly!) always. But I cannot teach effectively and change behavior if I am yelling. To teach effectively I need to speak clearly and my kids need to be in a good enough place to receive my words. Yelling successfully achieves neither of those necessities! 

There ain’t no doubt about it, but when I am yelling, there is nothing clear about my communications (well, except that I’m pissed.) I’m yelling so loud and fast, and my heartbeat is racing so much that my words come out as a jumbled incomprehensible mess, completely destroying my communication efforts. Even if my kids were in the best listening place possible, when I yell I am not giving them anything coherent to take in so no, no my yelling isn’t teaching what I want to teach effectively, so no it isn’t “working.”

But what does put kids in a good listening place anyways, you ask? What puts them in a place where they won’t tune me out and will want to (kind of) listen? In my experience, my kids listen best when they feel calm, safe, and undistracted. Does yelling do that? Um, nope, not really. My boys can’t focus when I yell. I can see it in their eyes that are looking anywhere but one spot. I can see all the distracting thoughts bouncing around, “When will she stop?” “I hate her when she yells.” “I’m gonna tell daddy.” “I don’t care. Whatever mom.” They don’t focus on my words; they focus on their own thoughts and potentially own response, “You’re the meanest mommy ever,” being one of the all time favorites!

I also learned that my kids listen best when I speak in a tone that doesn’t hurt their ears or scare their minds; when I use a tone that invites them in and encourages them to listen. Does yelling do any of those things? Again, um, nope, not really. I mean gosh, whenever I have been yelled at, whether as a child or adult, my response has basically been piss off! Yelling doesn’t motivate me to change, it motivates me to do anything but change! It motivates me to tune out the messenger…fast! And it motivates me to be stubborn and difficult, which by the way, I am wicked good at and which double by the way is a trait my children inherited. So no, yelling doesn’t work for me – it actually works against me!

You know, I often think of the Peanuts cartoons when I think of what actually happens when I yell at my kids. I think of how in the cartoons the kids only hear, “Wah, wah, wah!” That’s like my kids when I am yelling!! Yes, they hear the yelling, they get the message I’m pissed, but because my yelling pushed them to tune me out, they don’t get the rest of the message, the lesson that I am really, really, really trying to share. They don’t hear, “STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER NOW IT’S NOT NICE.” Instead, if I am lucky, all they hear is, “stop hitting, wah wah, wah, wah!”

Is it great they get the message stop hitting?! Heck yeah! But I’ve learned that if at the same time – the time when the behavior I want to change is happening – they don’t also get the message that it isn’t nice, that hitting isn’t how we treat people, etc… it’s hard for them to make the connection between the bad behavior and the lesson. It’s hard for them to internalize the lesson and therefore make the right decision the next time.

So again, yelling doesn’t work as “intended” to, which is to say, it doesn’t stop behavior for the long haul. Yelling simply doesn’t open doors for communication and learning, but rather, it closes them.

Okay, except maybe in one situation. We all know my book is titled “Yell Less, Love More.” That’s because yells will happen. In those yelling moments we might not teach and we might close doors to learning but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be re-opened. They can be…immediately after the yell. Then is the best time to teach an entirely different, unintended lesson: mistakes happen and when they do, we need to apologize.

(Maybe I did share my opinion after all, eh?! And no, that was not intended!)

* * * * *

Want to Yell Less and Love More and learn more of some of the lessons that helped me stop yelling at my kids? Check out my book, which is part memoir, part journal, part physical reminder to not yell! It is available here. It is a 30-Day Guide to help you on your own journey to discover your yelling triggers and and to create a plan to manage them. Filled with honest stories to inspire you and remind you that you are not alone in your struggle with yelling, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” also shares 100 of my favorite alternatives to yelling and my favorite tools.

Dearest Orange Rhinos,

Thank you so much for your loving comments, posts and emails a few weeks back when I shared about Mac’s health situation. My sincerest apologies for not replying until now, and even now replying via a large blog post. It might sound weird but responding to you all after I posted made the situation feel even a little more real and well, it had been feeling surreal which believe it or not feels better than real!

But alas, I did move into the land of reality that Tuesday, April 7^th when my husband and I brought Mac to see the Hematologist. I knew where we were going – to the Children’s Hospital section of the local hospital. I had been there many a times before with Mac and my other boys – to see the Neurologist, the Rheumatologist, the Urologist and several other pediatric specialists. I assumed we would sit with Mac in the normal waiting room, watching the fish and staring up at the wicked cool painting on the ceiling. I assumed wrong. You see, our doctor is also a pediatric Oncologist so we were sent to the special waiting room – the one that is secluded and infinitely more sterile (as it should be.)

Reality hit – along with tears in my eyes and sweat in my palms – the minute I opened the door and saw two children who clearly were currently undergoing chemotherapy. My heart broke and fell into a thousand little pieces; and not just because of my fear for my son, but for my sadness and fear for these beautiful children who stood before us, laughing and smiling despite of their Cancer. Walking into a pediatric cancer waiting room was nothing short of a terrifying experience, but I will leave it at that as you do not have to feel what I did.  No one should.

Moving right along….The receptionist asked for our names and I truly felt like I was going to vomit as I said Mac’s name. “Mac is here to see Dr. H,” (you know the guy who treats rare blood diseases and pediatric cancer I thought to myself; you know the guy who is going to tell me if it is potentially as bad as I fear; you know the guy who is going to tell me if we need to do all the tests that I had been led to believe might happen and that I knew to ask about, like a bone marrow test.)

We waited a whopping five minutes (an A+ to that doctor’s office for being on time) to see the doctor, although in truth, I had been waiting since the previous Thursday at about 3:15 when I made the appointment. Yep, I had been waiting days to meet the doctor and move on to the next part of this long and tiresome journey. Dr. H was quite nice and after listening to our story and reviewing the notes, he finally said,

“Well, I don’t think he has Leukemia.”

He continued,

“Many parents come to see me and that is there assumption. But I assure you, I see no signs of Leukemia.”

He read my mind that I needed more proof and he went through all the data, showing me what was normal in the testing and what we would see if it were Leukemia. I of course felt relieved, but I’ll readily admit, I wasn’t entirely relieved because while I fear(ed?) Cancer, I never feared Leukemia. He went on to share his hypothesis of what was going on.

“I don’t see many red flags, and in fact, if it were not for Mac’s fevers, bruising and seizures, I would tell you not to worry one bit. But those factors do draw my attention. You have done a great job getting the proper testing done to date given the facts and I believe that Mac’s low white blood count is simply his norm – that when it looked normal, it was actually elevated. I do not think he has cyclic neutropenia. I think and hope that when he gets a fever again, that his numbers will go up. This will prove my theory and that we truly do not have to worry or do more elaborate testing; just a blood test if and when he is sick again.”

Not gonna lie, I know I should have felt truly relieved, like jump for joy relieved, but I wasn’t. I felt awful about myself that I didn’t feel more joyous (I had just gotten better news than many patients in that office) but the pit in my stomach just wasn’t satisfied. Fortunately, my husband made me feel better by admitting that he too felt relieved, but not. All we had was a theory and to boot, a theory that was ENTIRELY opposite of what another equally experienced Hematologist had said. Who should we trust? Could we truly stop worrying? Was it really okay? Or were we missing something? I just wanted a solid, completely and utterly 100% definitive answer as to what was going on with Mac.

I just wanted to know if I could breathe again; if I could finally exhale.
I just wanted to know if I could finally start telling myself, “It will be okay.”
I just wanted to know if I could stop desperately fearing another horrific seizure.

And well, while I was close to being able to do all those things, I couldn’t; that was to say until last Wednesday when Mac spiked a wicked high temperature.

I knew the drill – the Hematologist had told us to immediately get blood work if Mac got sick again. The bad news is that Mac was really hit hard this time. As soon as he spiked (it happens out of no where it seems) he was lethargic and out. He couldn’t stay awake and even collapsed onto the floor of the hospital waiting room during registration. In fact, he was so out of it that during his blood work, he slept. The poor thing.

Awoken by my flash….Although sick, he looked so peaceful and snuggled up (and I record fevers on my phone with dated pictures.)

This kid is a champ – no tears when he gets his blood drawn, even on days when he is wide awake. Love him so much.

Not gonna lie – my heart was racing with major, major fear. I knew what this test meant: either the doctor was right and we could worry much less OR the doctor was wrong and we needed to worry more.

It was the moment of truth.

The good news is that we are fortunate enough to be able to get blood work done at the local hospital and that our Hematologist works there so we were able to immediately get in and get results within forty five minutes. As soon as the most incredible phlebotomist took Mac’s blood (she rocks and we love her and are so grateful for her skills…and lollipops!) we went over to our pediatrician’s for a check up (protocol with Mac’s high fevers.) Now, our pediatrician is also connected to the hospital and has access to the blood work. Without telling me that he was checking to see if it was ready (it had been a mere twenty minutes), he pulled up the results.

I wasn’t prepared for what he said…because I wasn’t expecting results so soon. I was totally caught off guard when he casually said to me,

“Well, his counts went up. Doctor H. was right. It doesn’t look like cyclic neutropenia and his immune/blood system is doing what it should. We can now focus on the other hypothesis of Periodic Fever Syndrome – which is a likely contender now.”

This is me last Thursday – just had to capture my happiness to share with my mommy and the sweetness that comes from a snuggle.

Folks, I almost dropped Mac at that point.
I finally exhaled.
I finally breathed, like really breathed.

The tears were yet to come because I was in such shock that after months of bad test results we FINALLY got good ones. Finally. Did I mention, finally?! Finally a test result that didn’t increase our worries but brought them down.

Last Wednesday was a good day. A really good day.

And now the tears come.

It was a really, really good day and I just feel so fortunate to have the pediatrician we do and the hospital we do. They have made this journey just a wee bit less painful and I am so grateful.

I am also grateful because that day our pediatrician witnessed what I have been witnessing for the last eight months – that Mac feels on fire, literally, at 99. Not 100.4 as all say is that proper fever threshold, but 99. We talked about it and a new theory, a life changing one, developed. We are hoping (time and mommy charting his temperature dependent) that Mac runs cool so that 99 for him is actually 101 ish. If this is true, then not only do we know he is getting fevers more than we thought (tough news, but helpful news) but also that I can treat fevers sooner before they get out of control and cause seizures. This is huge folks, huge. Like, mega huge.

I am trying to hold onto this newfound hope…despite the last few days.

Mac’s fever was pretty fierce and lasted four days. And although it has broke, he isn’t back  to being himself. In fact, he has taken naps every day since last Wednesday, which isn’t his usual. Normally I would be ecstatic for the surprise naps (YEAH! Me time!) but they are alarming to me especially because he is falling asleep early in the day and staying asleep despite being completely uncomfortable. My husband and I have decided to wait until Friday to push for more blood work. I am hoping that tomorrow brings no naps; now who the heck would have ever thought a parent would wish that?! Ha!

I will continue to keep you posted and I am so hoping that my newfound hope will help me find my way back here, a place that I so miss being a part of on a more regular basis.

Much gratitude to you all for being here, for staying here, and for supporting us,

The Orange Rhino,
a.k.a. Mac’s (and James, Edward’s and Andrew’s) mom
a.k.a. Sheila
a.k.a. The Mom who still can’t believe she is hoping for no surprise naps tomorrow!

Seeing as Saturday is Valentine’s Day and all, I thought I would hop on and share these two adorable stories from the last 24 hours.

First, this morning my 5 year old had to take his last dose of nasty medicine for his lung/chest/whatever you want to call it infection. The deal is he gets a cookie if he does so without spitting it out. Nope, I am so not over bribing when medicine is involved 🙂 Anywho, he picked a chocolate chip cookie with M&M’s in it. He took his medicine like a champ, then chomped away on his prized cookie, also like a champ. As I frantically tried to pack 3 lunches and became lost in the “blech it is so late are we gonna make it on time” madness that school morning’s bring, this sweet little boy wandered back over to me.

“Here mommy. I saved the last bite of the cookie for you because it has an orange M&M. You know, Orange Rhino.”

Heart. Melt. Love this kiddo! (And let’s be honest, I equally loved having a cookie at seven in the morning!)

Now lets go back another 12 or so hours to two nights before my older sons’ school Valentine’s Day parties. The following conversation ensued:

Me: “So boys, what do you want to put with your cards that is not candy as I totally forgot that candy wasn’t allowed?”

(Now mind you, it was a MIRACLE that it was 2 days before and I had bought cards, bought candy, and knew where both were. In fact, this year I bought supplies weeks in advance. Of course, as it turned out I bought inappropriate supplies but whatever. I bought supplies that were already done, as in pre-made cards from CVS instead of cutting out hearts and making Valentine’s. This is a huge thing for me. A huge, gigantic step for Sheila-kind. I love making Valentine’s and think not one ill thought of anyone who does. But this year, I just didn’t have the time or energy to indulge my creative gene and needed to let go of my perfect ideal of Valentine’s Day cards and get ‘help’ by buying them. So I did and I was uber proud of myself.)

James, 2nd grade: “What about bouncing balls?”
Me: “Um, I don’t think so. I can’t imagine many other parents would appreciate that gesture as I know bouncy balls drive me bonkers!”

Edward, 1st grade: “Well then how about Orange Rhino balls? You know the ones I see you squeezing all the time that kind of bounce?” (Hahahaha!)
Me: “Clever solution sweetie but I don’t have enough. What about tattoos guys? You like those?”

James: “Yes, how about The Orange Rhino Tattoos’s? You know, love more, all that stuff. It’s perfect for Valentine’s Day which is about love.”
Edward: “YES! Perfect!”
Me: “Brilliant! I love it! Orange Rhino Tattoos it is. Now lets find your cards and attach them.”

So as luck would have it, somehow, I had Edward’s but James’ were totally missing, as in not in the box I put them in the night before. What the ?!?! Man, all my planning went out the window. Uber disappointment. Back up plan: go to CVS today and buy more. Well that utterly failed. So I promised myself I would go to Staples, get some envelopes for the Tattoos and make it simple. Well wouldn’t ya know. I forgot to go to Staples today so come 6:00 tonight when I realized I (1) didn’t go to Staples and (2) didn’t have Valentine’s for James to work on I panicked. Not James though. We’ll make them. Right. Because I have the supplies on hand?!

“Alright James. Lets go raid my office and see what stuff I have to make your cards that can also hold Tattoos!” And voila, this is what we found! Tags to print so no extra cutting involved: WIN! Backs with ribbons on as ties already: WIN! Instant Orange Rhino Love More Valentine’s Day cards made. And I am not gonna lie, this was the best “mistake” ever as I am in love with the fact that my boys wanted to do an Orange Rhino something-or-other for Valentine’s Day because of the symbolism! Total win! They get the put about what not yelling achieves: loving more!!! (And I am not gonna lie, I love that James sat and designed the card with me – totally something I love to do!!)

So there you have it. Not all “mess-ups” are mess-ups. Sometimes they are just opportunities to be discovered. Eh hem, like the moment you yelled and thought it was a screw up. Nah, just a chance to learn what triggered you and then plan how to fix it.

And on that note, off to bed as this Orange Rhino is tuckered out 🙂

Happy Almost Valentine’s Day