This post originally appeared on July 10, 2013. This week, my boys and I are at the same beach I write of in this post. Things are going more as planned, which made me naturally think of this post when things were not going as planned as all. 

Well, once again, this is not the post I intended to write tonight. Nope, not at all.
That seems to be the theme lately: not doing what I expected to be doing.
That was certainly the case last week on vacation.

Did I expect to spend the first three days in the rain? Nope. I mean sure, one day of rain, or some drops here and there, but most certainly not three days of thunderstorms.

Did I expect to find our normally quiet, spacious beach overcrowded because the beach one block over was getting filled in as a result of Hurricane Sandy? Nope. And when I say overcrowded, I mean so much so that if one of my boys even flinched I feared they would get sand on a stranger.

Did I expect to have not one, not two, not three, but four kids all not sleep through the night, every night? Nope. Of course I expected one or two, and I expected early risings, but for all to not sleep through, seriously?

Did I expect to discover our favorite breakfast place would have the same great food and view but awfully mean and hungover college boys instead of sweet and caring college girls who helped with the kids? Nope. I know wait staff changes, but after many a long night I so longed for a little help at breakfast besides the caffeine jolt from my coffee.

Did I expect to call 911 at 4:30 in the morning because I was convinced someone was in the house?

Oh wait, that wasn’t on vacation; that wasn’t last week. That was last night, or I guess this morning. I think I am still shaking and still traumatized by the whole thing. The baby cried out at 4:30. He quickly settled and then I heard footsteps. Then I heard what sounded like toys banging around. I waited in bed, my heart already racing, trying to figure out my next move as my husband was traveling. I decided it must just be #2 up early (he doesn’t sleep well). I waited for the sound to stop. It didn’t. So I grabbed the bat and went out into the hall. I checked all the kids’ rooms. All the lights were off; the rooms were quiet and the beds full. Then…

BANG!

The metal baby get at the bottom of the stairs crashed. I looked downstairs and saw lights on and heard even more noise and even more footsteps. I ran to my bedroom and called 911.

“Hello! Quick, hurry. Send someone to my house. I think someone is downstairs.”

“Hold on ma’am, where are you. Tell me what you hear. Police are on their way.”

“Someone is downstairs. I know it. I know it. Please there are footsteps and noise. Hurry! Hurry!”

I told her everything I could as quietly as I could. I prayed the baby didn’t wake and cry out again. The last thing I wanted was my four boys to wake up and get attention. The last thing I wanted was to be found, so I tried so hard to stay calm and not let my tears of absolute fear be heard. It was near impossible.

“Did you call out downstairs, to see if anyone answered?”

“No, I was too afraid. Please, hurry, hurry. I am so scared!” I sobbed. And I mean sobbed. I have never been so scared in my life. Visions of an intruder ran through my head as the banging continued. The beautiful calm voice came kept reassuring me as I continued to sob hysterically. A mere minute or two into the call, or rather an eternity if you ask me, she said:

“Okay, six officers are at your house and have surrounded the perimeter. Just stay on the line with me. You are going to be okay….Okay, the officers are walking around your house. Stay with me.”

“Please, please, tell them to come in. I can give you the garage code….”

“Ma’am, the officers see someone in your house. Stay calm. Okay, someone with a red shirt is walking around. It is a child. With blonde hair.” She matter-of-factly reported to me.

“THAT’s MY SON!” I bawled.

I threw the phone and ran downstairs.  I saw my sweet oldest standing in pitch black in the kitchen. I dropped to my knees faster than I ever have and let out the biggest sob of my life so far.

“You scared me! You scared me so much! I thought you were someone trying to hurt our family. I am so scared. Do you see how scared I am?” I said calmly-ish. Repeat, I said calmly-ish. I didn’t yell.

Flashlights flickered in every corner of the house. I opened the back door to a policeman and once again started bawling. I finally let out a breath; I don’t think I had really breathed for the last five or so minutes.

“It’s my son sir. My son.”

“What happened little guy?” The policeman asked so very nicely and reassuringly.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry mommy. I woke up and had a bad dream so I snuck downstairs to get something to eat. I think I will go back to bed now.”

“Sweetheart. Oh sweetheart. I am just so glad you are okay. This is why I have told you that we don’t go downstairs without an adult in the morning. This is why we stay in our rooms. Oh #1, you scared me so much.”

And on that note he shook his head quietly with understanding and turned and walked upstairs and went to bed as I apologized to the police officer and the other five of them waiting at the front door. I felt embarrassed to have made such a foolish mistake. I felt embarrassed that I didn’t think to pull back every cover in the kid’s room. I felt embarrassed that I was standing in the ugliest summer (ie. less cloth) pajama’s ever and that I hadn’t even thought to put on a robe to cover up what was hanging out, eh hem.

All six officers reassured me that I did the right thing; that this has happened before and it is better safe than sorry. I knew they were right but still, I feel a little silly today. Kind of.

I also feel a little proud. Just like I felt a little proud on vacation. Before The Orange Rhino Challenge, when something went awry and not as planned, I would get all bent out of shape. Beach closed? I would complain for two days, be a grump and be ripe to yell. Kids not sleeping? I would suggest packing up and going home and in the meanwhile, I would snap at the kids incessantly. Kid scaring the crap out of me? I would scare the crap out of him by screaming in his face.

Yes, before I taught myself to stop yelling, before I realized that I should expect to be triggered to yell big time by things not going as expected, I didn’t handle myself well at all when things went awry. In fact, I would get into such a funk that I either ruined a moment or missed out on an opportunity all together. The Orange Rhino Challenge hasn’t just taught me to yell less and love my kids more, it has helped me to love life more. I loved vacation – despite all the unexpected hiccups because I have taught myself to expect and accept the unexpected. Even my husband noted how calm I was compared to past reactions to similar situations. And last night was no different. I loved my son more than I would have in the past if faced with such a scenario because I have practiced handling the unexpected more gracefully.

My son saw fear in my face last night; not anger. My son felt love in my hug, not aggression. And as a result (or as I like to think) he heard every lesson I needed to teach him loud and clear…all without me getting loud.

I didn’t expect for my son to be the intruder in my house last night, but it taught him several great lessons. And I also didn’t expect The Orange Rhino Challenge to change me so much, to have taught me so many great lessons.

* * * * *

Learn more about how The Orange Rhino Challenge changed me beyond learning to not yell in my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too!” It will hit shelves October 1st, but you can pre-order it by clicking here (the link will take you to my Publisher’s page where all the online resources for the book are listed).

So, here’s the thing.

There is nothing I would love more in the world than to meet all of you! You all have been so supportive to me during my journey that I just want to see you in person and say thank you and then return the support by encouraging you that you can learn to “Yell Less, Love More” even if you think you can’t! But alas, as I plan my book tour, it is becoming abundantly clear that I will not get to meet all of you so I came up with an alternative idea for how I could give support back to you:

Personalized and Autographed Book Plates
that you can stick on the inside of your book! 

I have three-ish months before my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You can Too!” hits the shelves. That is three-ish months that I have to write personalized messages to as many of you as I can! So even if we don’t meet in person, I can still virtually “talk” to you before you read the book. If you haven’t read the post yet about what the book is about, here’s a summary:

“Yell Less, Love More” is part memoir, part parenting guide, part writing journal, part “let me read this so I don’t feel alone.” It is organized into 30 days, each which includes: a personal story (some funny, some sad, some brutally tough yet beautiful, and all inspiring and useful), my top revelations (cliff notes if you will just for us parents who can only read the book on bathroom breaks), suggested actions to try that mirror my journey and three tips for not yelling. I arranged it as such knowing that many parents, like myself, don’t have time to sit and read an entire chapter of a book, let alone more than a few pages at once! The organization and graphic design of the book also make it easy and fast way to pick and choose which information one needs and has time to read at a precise moment! What is not included, however, are statistics about why yelling is bad and any statements that would make anyone feel judged or ashamed! Who needs that? Instead I offer my love, my support, and my vulnerability so that all readers can be inspired to start his/her own journey to yell less and finally go to sleep feeling less guilty and disappointed in him/herself! Here is a sneak peak at two pages (that are 99.8% final):

1) Click on the picture of my book below which will take you to my publisher’s site. Here you can select which online book retailer you want to purchase the book from. Pre-order the book so that I know the book plate will have a home! (By the way, most of the time it is less expensive to pre-order the book ahead of publication date than to buy on publication date when the book is normally full price! I just learned this and will be pre-ordering way more books in the future!)

2) Send an email to YellLessLoveMore@gmail.com

3) The email needs to include the following: proof of purchase (like an amazon screen shot or emailed receipt), the name you want the book autographed to, and the complete mailing address where the bookplate should be mailed. If you want, add any personal information you want to share. (I love reading your emails by the way; you all inspire me with your stories and triumphs!)

If you ordered before this offer came out, that is fine, you too can get this offer as well, just follow the instructions above.

4) I will write up to 250 book plates so email me today so you can get on the list! This is a LIMITED TIME thing so I can solidify the list and start writing! Autographed book plates will be mailed out shortly before the book is shipped because well, if any of you are like me, if I received a book plate weeks in advance, I would totally lose it, especially in all the back to school paperwork!

I am really looking forward to sitting on my porch at night this summer and “writing” to you!

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino, a.k.a Sheila
– or is it –
Sheila, a.k.a. The Orange Rhino ?!

This post first appeared on The Huffington Post as part of their Father’s Day Series. 

This is quite possibly the email I get most often from people who have just heard about The Orange Rhino Challenge, my promise to go 365 days straight without yelling at my boys.

Dear Orange Rhino,

I am inspired by your story and how you stopped yelling. It gives me hope that maybe I too can change and stop yelling at my kids, but I really am afraid it’s too late. I have yelled for so long that I doubt I will really be able to change. And I fear that because I yelled for so long, the damage is so great that not yelling now won’t even make a difference in our relationship. Help!

Without fail, every time I receive an email like this, I get all choked up because not only do I know all too well the “it’s too late” fears — but also, the email reminds me of a painful time in my relationship with my dad when lots of “damage” threatened our future. As a gift for my dad this Father’s Day (an odd gift, I know, but trust me, it’s a good one), and as a way to offer hope that it isn’t too late to stop yelling, I share this story with you.

* * * * *I never yelled at him.
I just stopped talking to him.
For three years.

For three whole years I didn’t talk to my father because I felt so angry and hurt from the huge, gigantic argument we had the day before I started my sophomore year of college. He tried to fix things by sending funny cards “just because,” by calling me to check in, by bribing me with a free meal at my favorite restaurant which he promised (and I knew) would taste infinitely better than cafeteria food. But I refused. I refused to talk to him and I refused to forgive him for our moral disagreement. I felt the damage had been done — that it was too late to reconcile, too late to make a better future. So I just didn’t talk to him.

About three years after college, I became engaged. At that point in my life, my dad and I had just started to share short exchanges. But our relationship still felt volatile enough, and my anger and hurt still felt large enough, that I worried — no, feared — that I wouldn’t even let my dad come to my wedding. In fact, I spent my entire engagement fearing that our past would prevent my childhood dream of my daddy walking me down the aisle from happening. Thanks to the support and urging of my now husband (and a lot of telling myself, “it’s not too late”), my dad and I reconciled and reconnected enough that come my wedding, my fear that my dad wouldn’t be there subsided.

And then January 2nd happened.

The night before my wedding, despite the fact that everything seemed good — like really, really, miraculously good — my dad abruptly left a family gathering and went back to the hotel. I of course immediately feared and assumed that he wasn’t just going to the hotel, but rather packing up and heading out. My dad’s best friend, who knew all the history, saw the tears form in my eyes and the color quickly leave my face, and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll go check on him. It will be OK.”

I didn’t believe my dad’s friend for one second. As I stood in the corner of the restaurant, trying to smile and feel happy, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “I knew it was too good to be true; I knew the past was too bad to overcome.” Fortunately, my dad’s friend returned smiling and practically laughing and said to me: “Sweetie, your dad is fine. He’s in bed and he isn’t going anywhere. Especially because he has the runs! And he feels like he is going to throw up because he is so excited, nervous and sad that his baby girl is all grown up, that you are getting married tomorrow, that you forgave him enough for him to be here and to walk you down the aisle. It’s just a lot for him. But he’s OK. It will be OK.”

And it was OK.

The next morning I walked down the stairs of my childhood home to see my future husband crying. My dad stood behind him, crying as well. I stood in front of both of them, bawling my eyes out, and then wiping my eyes madly, totally forgetting that I had just spent an hour getting make-up on! Oh well. Smeared mascara didn’t matter at that moment. I was getting married to an awesome man and the other awesome man in my life, my dad, had made it.

And not only did he make it, but he also got me to the church in time to walk me down the aisle! We weren’t a minute late — and it turned out that, despite my fears, it wasn’t too late for my dad and me to share good moments and good memories again, either. That day, as we stood together at the back of the church, waiting patiently for my ring bearer to help my flower girl diligently place the rose petals one by one by one, we laughed together at the anal-retentive behavior so well known to both of us. We stood together and admired the beautiful details of the historical church, sharing our appreciation for architecture, a passion he passed on to me that I am now passing on to my boys.

We stood together and finally had a moment of peace.

It wasn’t too late for us, for our relationship.

It wasn’t too late for us to repair our father/daughter bond and find joy again. For so long I assumed that because of the “damage” that had been done a few years prior, my dad and I would never share another laugh, another story, another peaceful moment. I assumed that it was simply too late and that it wasn’t even worth trying to make amends because no matter how many new, good moments we might share, they would never outweigh the past bad moments enough for our relationship to feel OK instead of negative and volatile. I assumed that our future held nothing but more anger, more hurt and more bad interactions.

But I was wrong.

I was woefully, woefully wrong in my assumption that it was too late.

I am so grateful that despite the past my dad and I shared, and despite our fears that a better future might not happen, we still tried to change our future. Because that moment in the back of the church with my dad, well, it was nothing short of unforgettable — exactly what I had always imagined and hoped it to be. Did that moment of peace make me forget the past or feel better about it? No, of course not! But, it did make me feel a tiny bit better and give me the courage to move on from the past and continue to work to change our future. My goal isn’t to forget the past (can’t do that!), but rather to fill my heart with enough new, loving memories that they, and not the angry ones from the past, take precedence in my heart and mind.

It has been 10 years since I stood at the back of that church with my dad. Since then, we have shared many a beautiful moment. My anger has softened and my mind now truly focuses on the positive moments in our relationship, like when my dad held my first son, when I called him laughing because I had just vacuumed up an unpeeled banana from my minivan, when… well, I could go on and on and on as our life is now full of good moments. Did it a take a while for us to get beyond the past, beyond just one peaceful moment — to reach a truly peaceful place? Yes. But we got there. It was not too late.

* * * * *Kicking my “it’s too late” mentality to the side and going after what I wanted — my dad in my life — didn’t just make my wedding day and my future with my dad better; it also made my future with my four sons better. Often during the early days of The Orange Rhino Challenge, when I found myself struggling and wanting to quit because I felt it was too late to stop yelling and that my kids would always remember the awful times I had yelled in the past, I would find myself thinking of my wedding day and that moment at the back of the church. The moment I thought might never happen because it was “too late” and the past was “too negative.” The moment that didhappen because it wasn’t too late. The moment that has become a powerful reminder to me not to quit or give up because, as I learned with my dad (and later re-learned on my successful Orange Rhino journey to stop yelling), it is never too late to change the future.

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” -Carl Bard

* * * * *The Orange Rhino’s (a.k.a. Sheila McCraith’s) parenting guide and memoir, Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids — and How You Can Too!, shares more touching personal stories from her journey to stop yelling as well as manageable actions, practical tips, and genuine, loving support so that you too can succeed on your own journey to yell less. Her book is available for pre-order now and goes on sale October 1, 2014. To learn more about The Orange Rhino Challenge, go to www.TheOrangeRhino.com

Check out my interview on Huffington Post Live talking about this post:

 

 

June 11, 2014

First there was one The Orange Rhino®. Then there were 100 Orange Rhinos. Then there were 10,000 Orange Rhinos. And now, well now there are almost 50,000 Orange Rhinos: people who are determined to respond with warmth instead of yelling when triggered and who are doing so by taking The Orange Rhino Challenge®.

How cool is that?! Wicked cool if you ask me! It is crazy how much The Orange Rhino Challenge has grown and it makes me so happy! Since I started The Orange Rhino Challenge in January 2012, my mission has always been not just to get support for myself, but also to get support for others so that less people go to bed feeling as awful as I used to! I know how cruddy it felt to go to sleep at night after having yelled too much that day; how cruddy it felt to feel all alone, like I was the only one who yelled at her (or his!) kids; and how cruddy it felt to feel so ashamed that I couldn’t share my secret with anyone. I didn’t then–and I still don’t now–want anyone else to feel as cruddy as I did, especially now that I know that change can happen and that it feels great!

When I see private other Orange Rhino Facebook pages pop up, I get so excited, truly! (And I get it, the privacy piece! I am working on that, in the meanwhile, check out our online community, www.TheOrangeRhino.com/Community) These pages are growing awareness of OUR community and are giving so many people the support they need to succeed. It is stinkin’ awesome! Think how many parents – and therefore kids!!! – we are all helping?! I love it, especially since so many of these pages have genuinely good intentions and share the core principles of The Orange Rhino Challenge.

If you do have or want to create one of these pages (or blogs or products) and want to use in any way, shape, or form, any of the Orange Rhino Trademarks items  (“the marks” are: THE ORANGE RHINO / ORANGE RHINO, THE ORANGE RHINO CHALLENGE, and the orange rhinoceros with pink birds design) I have to insist though that you get my permission. Using “the marks” without permission is not allowed and using “the marks” without permission poses a risk of potential negative press to my family and loss of our community. (***There’s a long explanation as to why, but I won’t bore you, just trust me that the risk is real, especially to my kids, and read the short version in italics below!)

Again, while I KNOW in my heart that so many of these private pages, new blogs, and new products for sale that use my trademarked names and images are well-intentioned and serving a phenomenal service, I must now publicly state the following:

THE ORANGE RHINO / ORANGE RHINO, THE ORANGE RHINO CHALLENGE, and the orange rhinoceros with pink birds design (collectively known as “the marks”) can not be used without permission of The Orange Rhino LLC.

If you do have a Facebook Page or Blog that does use these marks (or even comes close to using these marks) in the title (or in the case of a product, on the product or where the shape is my trademarked rhino) you need to do one of the following by JUNE 18, 2014.   

(1)  Become an officially approved Orange Rhino page. (Which by the way, would be so cool and opens the doors to lots of great new ideas and opportunities!!!) In this case, I ask that you agree to “use of trademark” terms, which are very simple (i.e., State on page/blog/product that “the marks” are used with permission, inclusion of me on page/blog/product so I can see content/usage, link back to official Facebook page and blog, agreement to basic values and beliefs.) TO DO this option, please email theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com by June 18, 2014 with the email title: Trademark Permission. Once we have emailed and terms have been accepted (which really is a friendly email exchange and a chance to chat and figure out how to work together in other ways!), I will email you official approval. Then, and only then, can you use “the marks.”

(2)  Stop using the page/blog/product effective immediately (due to the name trademark infringement). This is not my hope! I don’t want to lose the pages/blogs/products at this point because I know the intentions are good and good for our greater community! I really want these pages/blogs/products to exist so we can all stick together and give greater support.

Whichever option you chose, and you need to chose one or the other, I need to know by June 18, 2014. If you have any doubt, please email theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com   ALSO, please know that using (i.e. copying and pasting) any of the content from my website, or from the emails I sent in the 30-Day Challenges is subject to copyright and also needs me permission.

Please note:
It IS okay to use the words “The Orange Rhino” and “The Orange Rhino Challenge” within blog posts, i.e. “I am taking The Orange Rhino Challenge(R)” or “I am working on being an Orange Rhino”. Please link back to my blog, www.TheOrangeRhino.com when you do so though.  One way to think about it is, think of your favorite brand, say Coca-Cola. You can say/write, I drink Coca-Cola, but you can’t print their logo without permission and you wouldn’t be able to have a page, “Coca-Cola.com”

Also, The Orange Rhino button found on my website in the right hand column is also okay, and encouraged to use so long as again, you link back to my blog, www.TheOrangeRhino.com.

If you doubt your usage, please just check in by email theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com

Again, I REALLY want to emphasize that I am thrilled that these private pages/blogs/products are spreading The Orange Rhino message. I am not trying to intentionally diminish that in any way! Believe me! I just want us to spread our message and support together as a united front and properly from a legal perspective, so that we can make the most impact.

I don’t love having to write this post since I know it doesn’t apply to many of you. I hope that you can appreciate and understand why it is necessary though and I truly hope that it brings us together in a new way that yields wonderful, new plans and ideas to grow The Orange Rhino Community! All my best and thank you for your continued support for my journey and all the other Orange Rhinos learning to yell less and love more,

Sheila, a.k.a. The Orange Rhino or
The Orange Rhino, a.k.a. Sheila
(still can’t decide which to do first!)

*** With my name, Sheila McCraith, officially out there and attached to The Orange Rhino “brand,” anytime someone uses one of my trademarked items (“the marks” reference above) there is the risk that that people will be wrongfully led to believe that whatever statement, opinion, picture, etc… is shared in connection with my logos, is mine. This is already happening and it is a risk to both me, and my kids, for the potential of negative press exists and it will impact my entire family and potentially our community. As part of my mission to help more parents, I am trying to grow The Orange Rhino Community so that we can reach more people on a different level, in a different way. I was strongly advised that to do so (and again, to protect my family), I needed to Trademark everything, which is why I did.

Furthermore, every time I do something related to The Orange Rhino Challenge, whether it be for the Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino), my blog (www.TheOrangeRhino.com), our PRIVATE online community/forum (www.TheOrangeRhino.com/Community) the store, and now for my book, I do so not just because it makes me happy (which keeps me from yelling!) but also, and more so, I do it because I genuinely want to help people. I know it sounds corny, but I feel like this is exactly what I am meant to be doing in my life right now. For years I tried to find my way. I tried baking (I love decorating cakes!) and I tried photography, but they just didn’t stick. This, leading The Orange Rhino Community, hasn’t just stuck, but it has become a wonderful part of my life. I do not want to risk losing it.