4 Lessons From Not Yelling That Helped Me With Life in General

Posted on May 29, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

Today is my second son’s sixth birthday. And like every one of my past sons’ birthdays, I woke up so excited to run into his room and give him a big hug and sing happy birthday. I also woke up hoping, with every single finger and toe crossed, that the day would run more smoothly than usual so that my son and I could share an extra special, peaceful day together free of fighting amongst brothers. And I woke up knowing that I needed to adjust my expectations for a great day down a notch or two because I was just setting myself up for disappointment and frustration and therefore yelling!

You see birthdays in our house are tough, tough, tough! The three non-birthday boys get all sorts of jealous and “it’s just not fair” tantrums happen hourly, if not more often. On top of that, when there aren’t tantrums, all four boys are super hyper because that is just what happens to my boys on any special occasions. It is our experience, after years of research that “Holiday Hyper” + Tantrums = One heck of a disastrous day.

By 8:11 am this morning, we were already on our way to disastrous land. The birthday boy even seemed more sullen than usual; I am certain all the fighting to get the first piece of breakfast cake (yep!) and the begging to share his new LEGO got to him. How couldn’t it? So when daddy called this morning to say, “Happy Birthday” to the birthday boy, I broke down in tears before handing the phone over.

“How’s the morning go?” my husband innocently asked.

“ARGH! #1 can’t keep his hands to himself and keeps punching Darth Vader. #3 has been screaming that he hates birthdays since he got out of bed. The best line being, ‘See I hate birthday parties because my cake falls over.’ Quality. And #4 didn’t nap yesterday and his brothers woke him up way too early so his crankiness is out of control. And to be honest, I have just had enough of parenting! It is so hard and I feel like I am sucking at it and that’s why the mornings have been so rough. I love our boys but they are a handful. A handful. And I just, well, wanted #2’s birthday to start off on a great note, you know?!” I sobbed to him all in one fellow swoop, not even stopping to take one breath.

Then #3 hit #4, #1 told me we had 2 minutes to get to school or he’d miss his field trip, and I had to get #2 on the phone real quick, and well, I just felt like I was going to explode! Miraculously (actually, I think the good cry helped me chill), I got everyone where they needed to be and I headed to work out to get some much-needed “me-time.”

A minute before I entered my class, I received this email from husband,

“Babe, don’t let life get you down. Our kids are a handful, but usually a handful of joy and fun. You have a lot of reasons to be proud of how you parent the boys so focus on that. Take a moment, smell the roses and enjoy what you accomplished six years ago: not sneezing, laughing, or talking before the doctor told you that you could so #2 didn’t come flying out onto the floor! You created our son and he is awesome. Be proud of that.”

He was right. Our kids are a handful – full of whining, not listening, arguing, and being royal pains in the butts at precisely the wrong moment. But they are also, and more so, a handful of joy – full of love, tenderness, empathy, joy, hope, laughter, and total awesomeness.

I loved my husband’s take on my statement, “our boys are a handful.” It brought me some much-needed perspective and helped me re-frame how I approached the rest of the day, which as a result was much, much more enjoyable.

This “insight” and realizing the “Power of Perspective” was the first of four insights that both surprised and inspired me today. I shouldn’t have been surprised by any of them though; they are old ones that I learned on The Orange Rhino Challenge. One of the best unexpected benefits I discovered in taking The Orange Rhino Challenge is that many of the tricks and revelations I learned to keep me from yelling, also help to enhancing my life in other non-yelling situations. Sweet!

Here are three other key insights I learned on my journey to yell less that popped up in my life today in non-yelling situations.

1. Keep practicing and staying on course; results will come.
I have been working my butt off (ha, literally, oh wait, I am not working my butt off, that’s the problem) to try and lose some extra weight gained during my foot injury. Well, I have been working at it since January. January folks. Nothing has changed and doctors confirmed there is no medical issue. The conclusion? I just have to get my metabolism alive again. So, I am trying my hardest and greatly discouraged and just wanting to quit my efforts. Why bother, right? I asked my always motivational exercise instructor today, “What should I do? Do you have any advice? I just want to quit. I am doing all this extra work and nothing!” Her response: “Just stay the course. Keep going no matter what. All the work is working you just don’t see the results yet. But you will. It will all just click. Whatever you do, don’t quit.”

Such solid advice and exactly what I learned on The Orange Rhino Challenge. In the beginning I felt like I was getting nowhere…fast. But all the good and bad moments were teaching me and preparing me to succeed. So to you: keep practicing not yelling, it will click. Repeat, it WILL click. And to me: keep working out, it will click. Got that? No quitting young lady!!!

2. Go one moment at a time; keep expectations in check.
I totally cried my eyes out to my therapist today (yes, I have one and no, I am not ashamed) that I just wanted a full good day with my kids because lately all the days have been ROUGH. Her response, “May I suggest you adjust your expectations a bit? Perhaps instead of wanting a full good day, you just aim for a good moment, then a few more, then maybe a day will come.” Well, I practically spit out my coffee at that point. I paid her to hear what I write EVERYDAY to all of you and what I tell myself daily in regards to yelling?! LOL. She was so right.

So I say to you: aim for one good moment of not yelling. When you have that, then aim for more, and then more. Good moments attract more good moments and eventually they all add up to a full day. And to me: aim for one good moment with your sons. Enjoy that like mad. More will grow from that joy.

3. Be nice to yourself; positive thoughts attract more positive.
After my oldest son’s bedtime “it’s not my birthday and life is so unfair and my brother has better LEGO’s than me” tantrum to end all tantrums (which by the way he did totally naked making it hard to take him seriously), I decided to sit in his room with him for thirty minutes past bedtime and help him with his LEGOs. It was the best moment (see, moment not day) with him all day. Until he said, “I am such a loser. I can’t keep my LEGO creations together like my brother.” My heart sank. So young to be talking to himself like that. My reply? “Honey, you are not a loser. Don’t be mean to yourself. Love yourself. You deserve it.”

And then the irony kicked me in the butt, you know, the one that won’t shrink come hell or high water. “Don’t be mean to yourself?” Hello, I am mean to myself HOURLY and it does me no good, in fact, it makes me feel crappier which makes me get closer and closer to yelling for no reason. I guess I should take my own advice. Especially since on The Orange Rhino Challenge I learned that positive thoughts attract positive thoughts and positive results. So I say to you: Tell yourself you can change. Forgive yourself if you yelled. Be proud of your non-yelling moment. Catch your children being good so they show more good behavior and you want to yell less. And I say to me, “Just be nice to yourself already! Love yourself more!”

All these thoughts in one day. Well, and that I have yet to figure out how to make a Yoda birthday cake! And on that note, I’ll leave you with some Master Yoda wisdom that applies to The Orange Rhino Challenge.

Luke: “I can’t believe it.”
Yoda: “That is why you fail.”

Believe that you can learn to yell less, and yell less and love more you will!
(Sorry, totally couldn’t resist!)

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Curious to know what other Orange Rhino Revelations I learned when I stopped yelling that have enhanced my life in general?! Check out my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling and How You Can Too!” It is a 30-day guide, each day containing a personal story, top revelations, suggested actions to try on your own journey and then three tips to try instead of yelling. I personally love the revelations piece as they are kind of like the cliff notes version! This way, on days when you want to read but only have a spare minute, you can just read the revelations. Pre-order my book by clicking here (turns out pre-ordering saves you money!)

Go Fly a Kite.

Posted on May 23, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

A few months after my fourth son was born, my in-laws came to visit so that I could get “some” sleep and my other sons could get some much-needed one-on-one attention. As always, Grandma Catherine and Grandpa Richard brought a car full of activities for the boys. There were supplies for a teddy bear picnic, books from their travels out West, toys that used to be Daddy’s and last but certainly not the least, there were three brightly colored kites shaped liked parrots.

“Oooh! Oooh! Take out the kites Grandma, take out the kites!” they squealed.

Even though my oldest was five at the time, for whatever reason, my boys had yet to fly a kite. As Grandma and Grandpa started unwrapping the kites, my boys’ eyes widened and widened until I swore they were going to pop right out of their sweet, little heads.

“You know boys, Grandpa used to fly lots of kites with your daddy when he was just your size. He’s an expert kite flyer. He knows all the tricks,” said my mother-in-law lovingly. She put her hands on Grandpa’s shoulders and gently turned him towards the front lawn. Placing the kite strings in his hands, and showing a mix of both hope and worry, she said, “Here Richard take the strings and show the boys how to fly a kite.”

Her worry stemmed from the fact that my father-in-law had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few months prior to that visit and everyday talked less and got more easily confused. Some days he remembered how to do basic things, other days not so much. We always hoped his memory would work though because we all desperately wanted to create as many “interactive” memories as we could before well, before we couldn’t. My father-in-law took the strings and started to walk forward, my boys following in a perfect little (miraculous) straight line.

There was just the perfect amount of wind that day; not so much the kite got swept away and not so little that it just kept nose-diving to the ground. With few words spoken, Grandpa successfully (phew) taught the boys to fly their kites. As they ran around the yard laughing and squealing, their parrots watching from above, Grandpa stood next to me watching with the biggest, grin ever. He spoke not a word to me, but he need not have. His proud and joyful smile said it all.

That moment was everything that kite-flying should be: beautiful, joyful, peaceful.

Not one or two days later, as I brought the recycling out to the garage, my feet got all tangled in the tails of the kites and I became so frustrated that I picked the kites up and threw them into the recycling bin, along with everything else. “ARGH! I knew we didn’t have room for these things; they are just more hassle than they are worth,” I said grumpily and rather “Grinch” like. The next day, my boys asked for their kites because they wanted to fly them one last time with Grandpa before he and Grandma drove home.

“Where are the kites?” they excitedly asked me.

“Oh, I don’t know. They must have gotten lost?” I said, feeling really crappy inside as I saw the sadness take over their eyes. “I’m sorry, guys. Why don’t you have another teddy bear picnic with Grandma and Grandpa?” My answer and I were total disappointments. Sigh. Luckily for me, this story hadn’t crossed my mind once until a few weeks ago.

While shopping at the toy store one day, my boys had spotted some huge parrot kites and insisted I buy them. Being the more relaxed, “yes, let’s go fly a kite today and forget the to-do list” person that The Orange Rhino Challenge helped me to become, I joyfully bought them and we immediately hit the park because the wind really was quite perfect. I am so grateful that I said, “yes” that moment for the afternoon of kite flying was one of the most incredible afternoons I had had with my boys in a while.

We all ran around together for at least an hour, laughing and smiling as we successfully got the kites up and learned how to make them do all sorts of tricks. Seeing their faces light up when they did it on their own, hearing them scream, “Mommy, LOOK! LOOK! Look how high my kite is,” and “Mommy, I do it! I do it!” and “Mommy, this is soooo much fun!” just melted my heart. I was so incredibly present and focused at that moment that I readily absorbed every single belly laugh and squeal. In fact, I had such fun that afternoon that according to my husband, I told him not once, not twice, but three times in the same night how much fun I had that day flying the kites with the boys. I guess I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm and joy; it was just that awesome of an afternoon.

So kites, and the awesome memories they bring, were still on my mind when two days later I learned that my father-in-law’s Alzheimer’s had gotten so bad that it was time for him to go into a nursing home. That night, when the kids were in bed and I finally had enough peace and quiet to really process the news, to no surprise the memory of my boys learning how to fly a kite from their Grandpa hit me hard, really, really hard. Did I remember the joy they had shared with Grandpa during that visit? Oh, yes.

But do you know what I remembered even more?

The fact that during that visit my uptight, irrational, and impulsive tendencies triggered me to throw out my boys’ kites, depriving them of one more precious kite flying memory with their Grandpa. This memory stung and then crushed my heart to pieces as I suddenly realized that the kite flying memory was literally the last major “interactive” moment my kids shared with their Grandpa Richard. After Grandpa and Grandma drove away that day, things went down fast, really, really fast, and all that Grandpa could do on future visits was sit next to my boys as they cuddled with him and talked to him, desperately seeking a smile, laugh or conversation; a smile, laugh and conversation that never came.

Yes, the last smile, laugh and conversation my boys shared with Grandpa was the day he taught them to fly kites. And while that interaction was absolutely wonderful, because of me, I kept it from being even greater. And while I am so very, very thankful that they do have that memory to hold onto, that we all have that memory to hold onto, that night I felt such immense guilt about “depriving” my kids of one more memory with Grandpa that I crumbled down to the bathroom floor in a big pile of tears.

Thankfully, somewhere between my sobbing and my self-ridiculing that I am too uptight and too easily frustrated, I had a moment of much needed clarity.

“You can’t get every moment ‘right’; it is impossible and it’s okay.” I thought to myself. “It’s okay that you ‘missed’ creating one moment, because the boys had a great moment before and had many snuggly, albeit different, moments after with Grandpa. The good memories with their Grandpa far outweigh the missed moments and that’s what matters. You are going to miss opportunities to create good moments in the future, for all sorts of different reasons. Don’t worry about those moments; instead put your energy into grabbing the moments that you can and be as present as you can to make those moments so kick-ass that the ‘missed’ ones get pushed so far down in your mind that they don’t even register.”

And then, in this deep, heavy moment, I actually smiled. I smiled because I realized that the “new” revelations I had just had weren’t new at all, but instead were just a version of what I had been writing to fellow Orange Rhinos for a while. I frequently write to discouraged Orange Rhinos, “Yells will happen. But one yell doesn’t discredit all the other moments you didn’t yell. The goal is more loving moments; to have the number of moments where you don’t yell to be greater than when you do so that the good moments take over the bad ones.” And I write, “The goal isn’t to be perfect at every moment. It is to do the best that you can at any given moment and to then forgive yourself for moments you aren’t so proud of.”

I smiled because once again, something I learned on The Challenge didn’t just apply to yelling situations, but also to greater life situations.

I smiled because thankfully, these old/new revelations helped me forgive myself for throwing out the kites years prior and filled me with an inspiring new life mantra:

We had so much fun flying kites that on Mother’s Day we got our parrot kites out and flew them again. And again. And again.

“Just go fly a kite and get carried away in that moment instead of held down by a moment missed.”

Learn more about the many ways The Orange Rhino Challenge enhanced my life – and how much it changed me – in my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids.” Part memoir, part parenting guide, my book takes you on my journey to stop yelling while leading you on your own. Each day shares a personal story from my experience, top revelations (i.e. the cliff notes for those busy days when there is little time to read!), suggested actions for the day and 3 tips to yell less. Pre-order “Yell Less, Love More” today by clicking here.

15 Ways to Not Yell When Noise Triggers You

Posted on May 14, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

{sometimes} Noise Makes Me Yell at My Kids.
This post I wrote last week, well, it struck a really big chord with a lot of you. It seems that I am so not the only who struggles to stay calm and quiet when overwhelmed by both loud noises (kids arguing, argh!) and annoying noises (lip smacking while slurping cereal, double argh!) So, I thought I would share with you all how I handle this trigger that constantly screams in my ear, “Neener neener neener, you’re gonna explode!”

Here are my top 15 Ways to Not Yell When Noise is a Trigger, grouped into three levels, depending on severity of the noise!

When I am feeling Cool and not close to yelling…I aim to keep it that way by doing these preventative measures.

Use a quieter voice throughout the day.
I quickly learned on my journey that the quieter and calmer I am, the quieter and calmer the kids are! The challenge? I don’t naturally have a quiet voice! It is actually loud and intimidating (or so I’ve been told.) So I have actively had to teach myself to change my tone, which has been hard, but worth it! My new tone has definitely lowered the loud, gonna-put-me-close-to-the-edge, if not over it, outbursts!
Walk to closer to my kids so they can hear me without my loud voice.
One day I “yelled” down to my boys to come up for dinner. They all starting “yelling back;” in other words, they matched my voice level. 5 people at that level made me batty!!! At that point I started trying not to “yell” (use a loud voice to get attention) to my kids when they are outside to come in or to “yell” come up from the basement because doing so just creates an immediate upswing in the noise level in the house, which means an immediate upswing in my chances of losing it! (Let’s face it though; this one is hard to execute! I can be lazy and not want to walk the extra 10 steps to use a quieter voice!)
Practice with my boys how to take turns talking.
For real. Sometimes I feel like a schoolteacher, as I ask my boys to raise their hands, but it is a necessity with so many munchkins who are still learning patience! I also remind them that don’t yell at school or talk out of turn which means they are capable of doing the same at home!
Prioritize Sleep and Minimize Caffeine.
Ugh. I can’t stand this preventative measure but without it, noise, all kinds, just gets to me faster and more furiously. Less sleep, more caffeine = more edge, less calm. More sleep, less caffeine = more loving, less yelling. It’s that simple and yet so stinkin’ hard!!

When things are Warming up and my desire to yell is growing…I pull out some of my creative alternatives to yelling to block out the noise or help me to relax (or both.)

Wear earmuffs or put my fingers in ears.
Yes, I am for real. And yes, my brown furry ones make me look like Princess Leia (which my boys think is so cool) but they block out the noise and help me stay calm. I also put my fingers in my ears if I feel I am agitated and pre-disposed to be extra on edge. This not only helps with the noise level, but it is also a superb signal to my boys that they need to quiet down or mom’s going to go apeshit.
Turn on my favorite music.
Okay, this is a tricky one. I like to put music on to calm me down when noise starts getting to me. Sometimes, I put it on loud to drown them out my boys if they are the source of the noise (awesome in the car) or sometimes I just put on a favorite song to sing along to so I find noise I like (Journey, “Don’t Stop Believin’). The challenge though, is that this can backfire! If my boys are loud because they are in an over stimulated state, the noise can agitate them even more and push them to really start yelling. I tread carefully with this one. Sometimes I read the situation right, sometimes not so much.
State the problem.
My boys are at the stage right now where they still think I am cool and want to hang out with me (and on me.) So, when their noise is just too much, I simply state that I need it to quiet down or I’ll being take a mommy break. This works like a charm. And if it doesn’t, leaving the kitchen to sit on the stairs does!
Light a candle and pretend I’m at a quiet spa.
Ahh, the silence of a spa. I’ve only been a few times, but it was bliss. I now have a few candles strategically situated in areas where I find I get stressed by noise (oh kitchen, why doth you create such noise?) and I light them (especially my orange one!) when I need serenity, like now!
Run the faucet to drown out the noise.
You know why I love the shower? Because it’s quiet. All I hear is running water. Nothing else. I can’t stay in the shower all day; that thing called wicked cold water that comes when all the hot is gone gets to me. So instead I turn the kitchen sink or bathroom sink on for a quick bit to drown out the noise. This sometimes leads to the boys wanting a water fight, which is a mess BUT it does get them to take the noise outside! Speaking of which…
Ask them to take the show on the road.
A lot of the parenting tidbits I got from hours waiting in OB/GYN offices went in one ear and out the other (pregnancy brain + sleep deprivation + overwhelmed with info!) But this tip: “Tell kids to take the show on the road when too loud” stuck and I use it often. It encourages them to keep having fun making noise, just in a different room.
Join the circus.
Okay, I guess I kind of already have and I am kind of already the ringmaster, but I try to stay out of the chaos as much as I can. That said; sometimes when I can’t escape it I just join it. This way I get to let off some steam and connect with my kiddos, which generally leads them to more readily quiet down when I’ve run out of steam and ask for more quiet.

When I am too Hot to handle (and not in a good way) and yells are at the tip of my tongue…I have three go-to strategies.

Take deep breaths.
I can’t stand taking deep breaths. I just can’t. In fact, when my mom tells me too, I practically explode! But, I learned on my Orange Rhino Challenge that they actually work. Three big deep belly breaths help me chill out so I can try some of the cool/warm approaches.
Walk away.
This is totally a traditional alternative, but it also totally works. Does the noise sometime follow me? Eh hem, do the kids sometimes follow me and open the door to the bathroom? Yes. But I just keep trying until I find my peace. The good news is that if the noise bothering me isn’t from the kids, I can literally walk away from it (like the constant buzzing of a Hex bug stuck in some small place that we can’t figure out! Oh. My. Gosh. Totally Annoying. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!)And lastly, my favorite,
Let the yell out into a freezer, or any inanimate object. I can keep myself from yelling all I want when noise triggers me, but sometimes I just have to let my annoyance out with a yell. So I do it somewhere safe, like the freezer, a cabinet, the car, the garage, the closet or the bathroom. Once calm, I try the “warm ways” and then hopefully, the “cool ways.”

These are just 15 of the things I try to do to manage my noise trigger. I hope at least a few of them help you if you struggle with this same trigger. If not, just admitting to yourself that noise is a trigger, and a real one, is a huge step towards kicking its ass and managing it. All you need to do next is practice different alternatives until you find what works best to “block out the noise so you can block out the desire to yell.”

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Find a list of my Top 10 Triggers and How I Manage them, as well as simple steps to help you learn to yell less, in my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids, and How You Can Too!” You can pre-order it here.

The Mother’s Day Gift I Really Want…

Posted on May 11, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

My husband asked me this past week what I wanted and what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
“Well, I need some guidance or you’ll be massively disappointed,” he replied.
“I know. I just don’t know what I want, you know?!” I answered exasperated.

And I didn’t really. Because every year when he asks me this exact question, I have the same exact internal fight.

Part of me really, really, REALLY, wants to ask for the entire day off to be by myself, to sit in peace and quiet, to pee without interruption, to catch up on the to-do’s on my “I wish I could get to list,” to call my girlfriends and talk for a whole five minutes, and to reflect on life and realize just how grateful I feel and how much I love my kiddos.

The day I became a Mommy…the best. moment. ever.

And well, the other part of me thinks the exact opposite! And not just because I feel guilty being away from my kids (the reason I am a mom in the first place!) but also because I love my kids and genuinely want to be with them on this special day! Yep, this part of me wants to spend all day with my kiddos, laughing, smiling, sharing stories, creating all sorts of wonderful new memories to add to the list all while relishing that I can do so much more easily because I have a small “free pass” to be a little less responsible that day. This part of me also wants to just sit and watch my sons play and well, just be, because that makes me feel so grateful that they are mine and fills my heart with such immense love.

Oh, the internal fight! Do I ask for the day off that my body and mind crave or do I ask that we do an exciting family adventure together, which I also crave? Ah, such decisions and year after year, no clear answer. The only certainty that I do have every year is that I wish for some really awesome store bought gift (that my husband would “flawlessly” pick out after mind-reading my un-made-up mind) and some really awesome homemade gift from my boys. As I flipped through magazines the other night looking for ideas to telepathically send to my husband, for the first time I had another piece of clarity regarding Mother’s Day. Three actually.

First, I could please both parts of my mind. Duh! I could have time to myself AND time with my family and not feel any guilt, but just peace and joy, both by myself and with my boys.

Second, I realized what I already knew–I really didn’t need anything! Sure a pretty blue tray for the kitchen would be nice, but so not necessary. And yes, another pretty picture frame would be nice, but also so not necessary. This all led me to the third clear piece of information, the way more important piece if you ask me.

I realized that, “The best gift for me for Mother’s Day isn’t a gift that my husband and kids can give me. They already give me what I want weekly–precious time alone, precious time together and precious gifts here and there. There isn’t anything more they can give me, tangible or intangible. Nope, the best gift for me for Mother’s Day can’t come from anyone else; it needs to come from me. And I really, really want it because I have been craving it for a while now.”

So what is it I want you ask? What do I want to give to myself?

I want to give myself the gift of taking care of me without feeling guilty.
I want to give myself the gift of enjoying a relaxing moment without feeling unproductive.

I want to give myself the gift of forgiveness, much, much more often.
I want to give myself the gift of less criticism, every, single, day (hour?!)
I want to give myself the gift of believing in myself, in my strengths, when doubt arises.

I want to give myself the gift of acceptance; I want to look in the mirror and see more beauty and less ugly, both in and out. And, I want to look in the mirror and not think of what I still need to change, but what I have already changed, no matter how small.

I want to give myself the gift of security; I want to walk down the streets and feel more comfortable in who I am, in my decisions, in my parenting and less concerned about what others think I am (or am not.)

I want to give myself the gift of confidence that with every day that passes, I am doing a little better at doing all of the above and even more so, that it is okay to be struggling with all of the above! Yes, I want to give myself the gift of confidence that even though I feel that there is room for personal improvement, that the base is still pretty awesome and acceptable!

So in other words, I want to give myself the gifts of self-love, self-appreciation, and self-confidence.

Yes, those are the gifts I want for Mother’s Day because well, because I know that I deserve them and that I have been depriving myself of them for way, waaaay too long. I have definitely improved giving myself all of the above gifts since I started The Orange Rhino Challenge, like big time. Tracking my triggers made it obnoxiously clear that when I am down on myself, I got lost in la-la land (also known as “I totally stink-stink land”) and was much more apt to snap or yell unnecessarily. So, I started talking to myself and being nicer to me and it totally helped.

But this Mother’s Day, I know that I am still depriving myself of some of the self-love, self-appreciation and self-confidence that I deserve; that we all deserve! Just to be clear, I am not out to become massively egotistical and obnoxious. I just want to become more even. You know, if you have a scale and the left is “I’m not good enough” land and the right is way-to-confident land, I want to be in the middle-ish. Having the scale weigh too much towards the “not good enough land” is not only punitive, but it also a clear contributor to the stress and occasional unhappiness in my life! And honestly I am tired of all the crap I give myself! Who needs or wants that? “Not I,” said The Orange Rhino! I want to indulge myself instead.

Ooh, I even feel guilty and obnoxious saying that! But it is true and it is OKAY to want to spoil myself with kinder words and thoughts!

Keep up the hugs kids; mommy always needs them!

So my dear husband, if you and the kids want to give me anything – please just help me find these gifts for myself by continuing to love me and believe in me, not just today, but everyday. These gifts are really the only things I need and want right now. Okay, not the only things, but some of the really important ones. I feel like (or naively believe) that even just a little of these gifts will make me a little happier which will make me a little better mom which will make me feel happier which will make me an even better mom…and so on and so forth. So don’t give me a doughnut, or a cookie, or a muffin. Give me the support and assurance that’s it is not just okay to give back to myself, but absolutely deserved.

I’m not the only one who deserves these gifts. You all deserve them. Yes, you also deserve a trip to the spa…a long one! Yes, you also deserve to sleep in and have breakfast served to you in bed. And yes, you also deserve to be slobbered in kisses and smothered in hugs. But for real, you also deserve to give yourself kindness. And not just today, Mother’s Day, but everyday. You both deserve it AND have earned it. You are a great mom. You are showing up and trying everyday to do your best…and that is what matters.

(Hey Orange Rhino, think you should print that last line up and post it everywhere in your house so you say it to yourself a thousand times a day? Yeah, I thought the answer would be, “Yes.” And if you don’t do so hot at “improving” forgive yourself and move on, okay?!)

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Read more about how I mostly figured out how to give back to myself in order to keep yelling at bay in my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too.” It’s a 30-day guide complete with 100 alternatives to yelling, simple actions to follow, and honest stories from my journey to inspire you on your own. Pre-order it here for arrival early September…just in time for back to school when the change in routine is getting to everyone and the “yells” are really wanting to be part of that routine!

{sometimes} Noise Makes Me Want to Yell at My Kids

Posted on May 8, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

I often find myself laughing at the fact that I have not one, not two, not three, but four kids! It’s really quite ironic actually because I can’t stand noise, like really, really, really can’t stand it. Now, when I talk about noise, I’m not just talking about the level of volume or the amount of it. I’m also talking about noises that are just outright annoying, whether at a low or a high volume, like the sound of a hand rummaging through a chip bag desperately searching over and over for the perfect chip or the sound of someone chewing while smacking their lips.

Yes, my tolerance for noise and noises is so incredibly (and frustratingly and embarrassingly) low. Loud noise, too much noise and just “annoying to hear” noises make my skin scrawl, make me hot and bothered, and after a decent, steady exposure make me cranky and SNAPPY. It is a daily battle for me to not go apeshit when the noise and noises around me have finally gotten to me. And guess what? I also have super ridiculous hearing, like super, super ridiculous hearing, which means in addition to hearing the normal annoying or normal loud noises, I also hear all the quiet annoying noises that I am not supposed to hear! Ehhh! And guess what else?

Kids, well kids, they bring all sorts of noise and noises with them on a constant daily basis! And I have four of them! Can you see the irony now?! Oy!

My four boys at my favorite place with gorgeous weather and delicious ice cream so completely helped to fill me up!

My favorite noises: the sea, wind around me, and the first moment when my boys quietly eat ice cream!

The good news is that so much of kid’s noise and noises, however, are phenomenal and wonderful for the soul: a non-stop giggle from being tickled, a full on belly laugh while enjoying life, a “weeee” while on the swing, a really loud, “This is soooo awesome” exclamation, a quiet rendition of a favorite lullaby sung when thought no one else was around. And perhaps the best noise ever from my children, fully welcomed at any volume: “I love you mommy to the moon and back” or “I love you soooo much” or “You’re the bestest mommy ever!” I actively welcome, listen for and elicit this kind of “noise” and all the other sweet ones; they just make my heart absolutely melt and have the power to bring me up on a really tough day.

But these sweet noises also do more. The joy they bring me silently fills my “I feel calm and happy and don’t want to yell” tank. The more this tank fills, the more I build the necessary resilience for when those other noises from my kids, the ones that drive me absolutely, positively batty, start bothering me. You know, like the constant rummaging through a toy box and crashing and banging every single toy against each other in the process all in the search for one, itsy, bitsy toy that is at the absolute bottom of the box (and which by the way, when pressed makes a wonderfully obnoxious sound.)

And like the talking at a volume one would use to be heard at a rock concert.
The bickering, oh the non-stop loud bickering, especially when in the car.
The slurping of cereal at every single bite…or of popsicles.
The whining, the what seems like never ending, whining that “nothing is fair.”
The tapping of a fork on a table.
The tapping of a foot against the cabinet while at the counter.
The grinding of teeth (in my ear) during story time.
The yelling aggressively at a brother because he broke a Lego creation.
The constant humming to oneself, especially after you have been asked to stop.
The clucking of one’s tongue like a chicken, all, day, long, just because.
The sucking snot up one’s nose incessantly instead of getting a tissue.
The screaming at the “puberty so hasn’t hit” level while running around.
The screaming of all four boys at once, louder and louder, as they try to be heard. Oh, the screaming!

Yes, screaming by my boys, whether for fun or in anger, is a sound I just can’t stand–(yells of pain, different story. I love hearing a sobbing voice yell, “Mommy! Quick, I NEED you!”) And I know I will deeply miss those yells, all of them, and all the other noises when my boys leave home and it is eerily quiet. Shoot, I might pinch my husband then or take his favorite toy just to piss him off and make him yell! But right now, when all my boys are living in my house and it is insanely and constantly loud and noisy and the annoying (but totally normal) kids noises are at an all time high, well, it is making me daily bust my arse to not yell at them!

But I used to, oh did I ever used to yell at boys when the noises I deemed “annoying” and the noise from all the yelling with each other, over each other, and at each other, eventually got under my skin. I would yell, and sometimes really, really yell, “BE QUIET! TAKE A BREAK! ENOUGH ALREADY!!”

And for what?
Making noise? Being human?
Having fun? Enjoying life?
Doing what I role modeled for them–yell when angry? Yell to be heard?

Telling over noise and noises in my eyes, was just so wrong on so many reasons. I mean sure, it’s okay to set personal boundaries and ask people to bring it down to a normal notch. And I do that and I believe in that and there is a polite tone and volume to use. But yelling over noise? For real?

Push aside forget the fact that it’s mean and often stopped my kids from finding simple joy in life; blowing bubbles with milk is fun when first discovered! (Should it stop when requested, yes. But that’s a different story!) Push aside the fact that it’s unnecessary because when I yell over noise it’s often because of my personal struggle with noise or because I am in a grumpy, tired, impatient mood, not because of my kids’ behavior. And push aside the fact that it’s silly because let’s face it, it’s just noise, not a broken light or worse.

But look at the one reason why yelling over noise is just wrong: it’s completely counterproductive!!! Let’s see. I hate noise, yet yelling (a) is loud and noisy, (b) makes my boys louder so they can be heard and because I have raised the accepted volume, (c) makes my kids even noisier by eliciting even longer sobbing or new screams of “YOU’RE SO MEAN!” and (d) just increases my frustration and decreases my tolerance for noise even more. I mean really. How asinine is that I have known about my low tolerance for noise and annoying noises since I was a munchkin, and yet I used to create more of it on my own…knowingly?!

But I did. And I continued to yell and create more noise in my life (and misery) until I started tracking my triggers around what made me yell and my results literally screamed at me to start finding more tolerance for noise or kiss my one year straight without yelling goal bu-bye! So I started finding ways for ME to handle all the noise in my life because obviously I can’t make my kids be quieter all the time! Sure, I can teach them to respect people and their personal struggles, I can teach them that yelling at each other isn’t how we communicate, and I can teach them proper manners (slurping and making spitting noises are not so hot!).

But they are kids – it will take a while before they really get those lessons and can control their impulses to make them and well, I want them to keep exploring with sounds and having fun. And besides, it isn’t their responsibility to control their noises so that I don’t explode; it’s my responsibility. Like I learned early on, I can’t control my kid’s actions, but I can control mine.

I’m trying really hard to control my actions lately. I don’t know why noises are super getting to me lately but they are – they are the #1 trigger I am having to manage. I guess my “I feel calm and happy and don’t want to yell” tank is on empty. I guess I need to start filling it up by tickling my kids more…and by making “quiet me time” a priority…again. And I guess I should just keep my hands on my ears all day or wear my earmuffs! (You think I am kidding…I am SO not!)

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You can read more about this particular trigger and why it is even harder to manage than I express here, as well as about other triggers (eh hem, food fights!) and how I manage them in my new Book. To pre-order, click here: Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids – and How You Can too! It is a 30-Day Guide that includes 100 Alternatives to Yelling, Simple daily steps to follow, and Honest stories from my journey to inspire you along your own journey to yell less and love more! Also included are some of the tools I created and used, as well as space to journal and take notes. What is not included are statistics about yelling and statements that make you feel ashamed and guilty! You will both laugh (with and at me!) and cry as you read the book, but mostly you will discover that you aren’t alone in the struggle to curtail yelling and that it IS possible to change.

How to “Save” the Yells

Posted on May 1, 2014 by The Orange Rhino

So supposedly May 1^st of every year is “National Save the Rhino Day.” I did a little Googling to see if this was indeed true, and wouldn’t you know, it is! (Which is great because it is an important cause!) The exact origin of the day is under question (lots of different opinions) but they all seem to agree on one core goal: to use the day to spread awareness about how Rhinos are greatly endangered. Which got me thinking…

What would a “National Save The ORANGE Rhino Day” be about? What would the goal be? Let’s see. First off, I have deemed Orange Rhinos to be: determined and energetic people who choose not to charge with words, but instead choose to remain calm, loving, and warm when provoked or triggered. (Gray rhinos are naturally calm animals that charge when provoked. Add the color orange which symbolizes warmth and positive energy and voila, The Orange Rhino.)

So saving Orange Rhinos would be about spreading awareness that one can become an Orange Rhino; it would be about protecting the hope so that people don’t stop (or don’t even start) to try and change their yelling behavior, but instead keep on trying to yell less and love more. It would be about keeping The Orange Rhino Community not just alive, but also growing by spreading a few key messages to help people be Orange Rhinos. The messages might read (and would obviously be surrounded by some wicked cool graphics by someone besides myself)…

Save the yells for… your closet, or any other inanimate object; they don’t have feelings, kids do!
My first few weeks of learning to not yell were tough and not just because yelling was my go to, but also because I had no real game plan on how to physically make myself not yell! One day I felt a yell coming and without thinking I turned and yelled into my closet. It was liberating! I let the yell out – just not at my kids! After a few days of yelling into my closet – and many other inanimate objects like the kitchen cupboards, the freezer, the toilet, the car – I realized that (a) I felt ridiculous and didn’t want to keep that up and (b) that if I could control myself enough to turn and yell, I could then control myself enough to turn away, yell and let out just an “AHHH” instead of mean words. And if I could do that, I could turn and not let out anything at all! And if I could do that, well, then I would eventually not have to turn away at all, but I could control myself while still keeping eye contact with my kiddos. This was a big “aha!” and a very useful tool to help me officially start kicking yelling to the curb.

Save the yells for… when you really need them…in emergencies!
When I used to yell often, instead of actually getting my kids attention, it became harder to get my kids attention! They were just so used to the raised voice in certain situations that it was like in Charlie Brown cartoons – all my kids heard was, “wah, wah, wah!” So when I was at my most frequent yelling phase, when emergencies really hit – needing my boys to stop and not run into the street, needing the phone to call daddy urgently, needing my boys to not talk so that I could hear Grandma on the phone – well, when those moments hit and I really wanted my kids attention and so I yelled, they ignored me. Now, however, oh one the biggest and bestest benefits of not yelling is that when it is a true legitimate emergency – #2 cracking head open and needing an ambulance, #4 having a seizure and needing emergency medicines and an ambulance, a stranger at the door who started walking around the house – if I raise my voice, my kids get it. I get through. They don’t hear “wah, wah, wah,” they hear, “Mommy needs help now. I need to listen.” Just knowing that the less I yell unnecessarily means the more powerful my voice is when I really, really, really need it to helps me save those yucky yells from coming out.

Save the yells for… when you really want them…in good times!
It feels awesome to let out a big “YAHOOO!” when I get good news, when a son achieves a milestone, when we achieve something together like making the absolutely perfect paper airplane. And it feels even more awesome when I have my voice and the energy to do so because I haven’t been yelling so much that I feel so physically and emotionally beat down that I can’t let out a good ‘ole fashioned scream for joy. When I used to yell, ugh, it just made me feel so crappy at times that it was hard to see the joy right in front of me at the moment. I much prefer to keep all my loud, obnoxious yells for fun times (like when the Red Sox beat the New York Yankees, eh hem, or when my son poops in the potty instead of on the carpet…again.)

Save the yells for… when you schedule them!
All of the above said, but, let’s face it, sometimes, a primal scream is just what is needed to release the stress, the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the whatever yuck one feels. I learned that if I hold it together too long and don’t release the yuck, I will just explode vis-à-vis yelling…at my kids or my husband. So now sometimes I schedule that explosion (a tip from a fellow Orange Rhino, and I love it!) I say to my kids, “hey, lets run around the park screaming and having fun!” Needless to say they LOVE it and I do to. It’s great to not yell, and it’s great to bond and have fun with my boys…and to do something I used to love doing as a kid. It is so freeing! Added bonus – it gets my boys’ yells out of their systems before they explode and trigger me to want to yell even more!

Save the yells for a friend…someone who will really listen and respond positively.
Okay, kind of joking here, mostly not. I learned that when I yelled at my kids, they didn’t really respond in a supportive manner. They didn’t really respond how I wanted. They didn’t really get that I was yelling because I was (fill in the blank)…frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, stressed, pms’ing. Friends, friends, however do. If I call a friend and just start venting, she gets it. And she listens. And she responds. And it is a positive exchange that moves me forward, not backwards. Yelling at my boys always moved be WAY backwards and often made the situation worse.

Save the yells for your sanity… so you feel calmer and the calmness spreads.
I readily admit that before The Orange Rhino Challenge I wouldn’t have described myself as calm, per say. But now, now I would. Okay, at least more than I would before. When I am calm, when calm oozes out of my actions and my voice, it spreads. Calmness is contagious. My kids respond infinitely better when I am calm; they listen better, they respond better, they act kinder, they are well, just calmer! Which makes me calmer, which makes their brothers calmer, which makes me calmer. Calmness spreads and keeps yells away. When I am agitated, however, well, that spreads too – but it invites yells to come and hang out for hours, if not days! I remind myself of this nugget, of the power of calm, when I want to yell and wouldn’t you know, it helps me find calm!

Save the yells for yourself…put the anger where it belongs!
This is another kidding, mostly not poster idea. I am not talking about literally looking in the mirror and screaming at yourself. Nah. That is just cruel and would make matters worse! But I am talking about pointing the finger at yourself – and not your kids – when you know the source of your anger is something in your life and not because of the kids’ behavior. When I know “it’s not you, it’s me” is driving my desire to yell, I stop and say to myself, “Hey lady, you don’t want to yell at the kids because they won’t clean up, you want to yell because you have too much to do and are frustrated that you overfilled your plate again!” Re-directing the anger to the right spot works wonders in saving yells from happening!

And when you can’t save the yells – borrow forgiveness, borrow patience, and borrow love for yourself and save yourself from unnecessary guilt and self-ridicule. Parenting is not about perfection; it’s about progress. It’s about yelling less; it’s about saving the yells one moment, one yell at a time. And the only way to do that, the only way to keep The Orange Rhino community alive and growing, is if we all forgive ourselves, find patience with ourselves, and love ourselves when we a yell slips out. Not all yells will be saved – celebrate when they are and celebrate when you don’t quit on a hard day, but try again.

So now this post has me thinking…maybe a “National Save The Orange Rhino Day” should happen?! (And please, please, please know that this post is by no means knocking the importance of the real day, because that too is very important!)

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I talk more in-depth about these “messages” I rely on to save myself from yelling my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can too!” which is due out this September! You can pre-order it now though by clicking here!