Ugh!
Blech!
Yuck!
ARGHHHHHHH!
Okay, sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Tonight was the least graceful bedtime I have had in ages, ages – and it had nothing to do with the kids!  I was short. I was snappy. I was taking deep breaths every few minutes, scratch that, seconds because I felt like I was going to blow. I was well, not the mom I hope to be or know that I can be. As much as I want my kids to just hurry up and go to sleep, and as much as I want to hurry them up to just go to sleep, I also want bedtime to be slow(ish) so that they can go to sleep feeling calm, loved, and safe.

Sleep sweet child of mine! If only you could stay this little so you could always fall asleep while playing hide and seek in a basket! I love you #3!

I want this not just because I know it helps them sleep better – but also because it helps me sleep better. I cherish goodbyes – even nighttime “goodbyes” because well, you just never know. If I ever have a rough goodbye, it just grates on me until I see my munchkin again and can give him a big, huge hug.

So right now, I am sitting here feeling cruddy. Like I said, ugh! Blech! Yuck! ARGHHHH! And not just because I didn’t have the type of goodnight with my munchkins I crave, but more so because I know better and am disappointed in myself.

You see, I know that the computer is a big, ‘ole, huge gigantic short/snappy/yelling trigger for me and yet, I still looked at it right before bedtime!

I know that checking emails gets my mind spinning about everything I need to do or should do; this just makes me overwhelmed, which makes it hard to not yell in a trying moment.

I know that checking Facebook (my page, not The Orange Rhino page!) somehow always makes me feel bummed that I am not living the life others seem to be living; this just makes me preoccupied thinking about all my “faults.” And a preoccupied mind is a mind that has a hard time focusing enough in the present to remember that (1) I don’t want to yell, (2) yelling doesn’t work and (3) that I can find a way to not yell.

I know that reading some of my favorite sites will somehow send me to a parenting article that I then “must” read. Of course reading the article normally makes me feel incompetent and that I am parenting wrong; this just makes me work extra hard to be “perfect” during all the following interactions with my kids and that amount of stress makes staying calm and not yelling quite challenging.

And yet, five minutes before bedtime tonight, I still looked at the gosh darn computer and visited all the places I know have the potential to put me in a tough place. For real? What the heck was I thinking?! Oh, I know. “Sheila, the kids are playing happily. GO! You have five minutes to sit and decompress and just surf the computer.”

It made sense at the time. Me-time is a great way to relax which is a crucial mindset for a calm bedtime. But clearly, I need a different type of me-time before bedtime. And on that note, I need a different type of me-time right before school starts when there is a lull, and right after lunchtime and oh, let’s not forget before naptime when there is another lull. The pisser of it all is that I know this!!! I know I need to avoid the computer during time periods before the kids leave. I know I need to avoid the computer prior to times when I want to be focused and present with my kiddos. And I know that I can avoid the computer when needed. But tonight, I didn’t and for that, I am disappointed and feeling yucky.

My dad’s favorite line to say to my mom when he does something insensitive that he knows he should have is, “You know, on the test I would get it right. I know the answers. But sometimes in life, I just get it wrong.”

Well tonight, that is EXACTLY how I feel. Here is the thing though. This feeling isn’t unique to tonight. I have felt it in the past and I will feel it in the future. Even though I “know” how to avoid being cranky at bedtime, and similarly even though I “know” how to not yell, there will be times when I get it wrong. It is human. As Alexander Pope famously said, “To err is human; to forgive divine.”

Yes. To err is human…even when you know the answers and expect yourself to get it right. Life happens. Things happen. And that makes mistakes happen. End of story. I cannot control everything as much as I wish, and oh do I wish it. I cannot do everything right all the time as I wish, and oh do I wish it. But do I? Mistakes suck when they happen, oftentimes suck afterwards, but I normally can learn from them and grow from them, so do they really suck? Well, they do – if I don’t forgive myself and let myself grow from them that is.

So tonight I “erred” like a human. And I will forgive myself because it is divine and absolutely necessary so that I can grow and not feel sucky. If I don’t forgive myself, I will not sleep well; and if I don’t sleep well I’ll be cranky in the morning; and if I am cranky in the morning I won’t have the hello with my kids I so very much crave right now; and if I don’t have the hello I crave, then I’ll feel even worse; and if I feel worse, chances are I’ll snap or yell. And so on and so forth. So forgive myself, I must.

Yes, tonight I didn’t get bedtime right. It’s okay! The upside? My “mistake” did remind me that I need to be much more aware and present of when I use the computer, a reminder which was clearly needed. Even though I have taught myself how to be less snappy and not yell, even though I know I labeled “being on the computer” as a yelling trigger, I still need reminders to watch out for triggers. Again, life happens and things happen which makes it tough to stay focused on my goal of yelling less and love more! So I welcome reminders even if sometimes they come in the form of mistakes…because sometimes they also come in the form of an encouraging exchange with one of my boys.

So yeah, tonight I didn’t get bedtime “right.” But, because of my reminder of my trigger, I bet I will get bedtime a lot more “right” tomorrow night. And, I bet I will be a lot more vigilant about my computer time tomorrow, which will make the entire day so much more divine. Okay, self, you are forgiven.

Now the question is, will you forgive yourself if your day had more “errs” than moments of divine?

* * * * *

A SUPER BIG P.S. I don’t share this to scare you that you will always have to work at yelling less – have no fears, it really DOES get easier and much more natural to not yell! I share this to remind you that it is a constant journey that has ups and downs; it is a constant “succeeding” then “erring” and “learning” and “forgiving” and then “succeeding” again. So don’t be bummed if you are in the “erring” part – you will get to the learning and succeeding parts.

* * * * *

“Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too” is due out September 1^st but can be pre-ordered now here 

Every Monday I take two of my sons out for a pizza lunch before they head into back-to-back speech and occupational therapy sessions. And every Monday they claim that they are “sooooo hungry” and “just have to have two slices.” And every Monday I fall for it, hook, line and sinker and then am left with at least two slices – except yesterday. Yesterday, I said, “Uh, uh. Not happening. You never finish the slices. Today we will get three slices and if we need another, we will get another.”

Well I’ll be, they didn’t finish the three slices.  In fact, they didn’t even finish one combined! I asked my boys again and again if, “are you sure you aren’t hungry? You can’t eat for an hour.”  And they insisted again and again that, “No mommy, we’re not hungry!” So I relented, assuming that in the worst-case scenario they would realize that they were hungry and should have eaten. I packed up the two and half slices in a to-go box and turned to the boys; I had my own bag to carry so I asked them to take turns carrying the box.

“I’ll carry the box Mommy,” said my almost six year old, “I want to make sure that it doesn’t tip and my pepperoni doesn’t fall off.” Good answer child because after practically wasting another couple of slices, I had no desire to carry the box. (And because, as I realized later, I was totally in a mood.)

Funny, I still had no desire to carry the box an hour and a half later when we pulled into the garage.

“Boys, one of you needs to get the pizza box. It is not my leftover pizza it is yours. It is your responsibility to bring it in if you want it.” I said firmly. My four-year-old son, also known as my thoroughly sarcastic and stubborn child replied,

“Well mommy, I don’t want it. So I’ll just leave it here.”

At that point, his brother had already darted into the house and besides he had carried it early. I turned to my four-year-old again,

“You are going to carry the pizza in. My hands are full and it is yours.”

“No I am not. I simply am not,” he said to me as stubborn as stubborn can be.

Cue my blood starting to boil. I felt sweat appearing on my hands. I felt a yell crawling up my throat. And to be clear, I felt all of this over a pizza box.  A pizza box!!! I was going to lose it and yell over a pizza box?! For real?!

Okay, well of course it wasn’t exactly the pizza box that was the real issue; it just symbolized my frustration at the moment. I felt frustrated because my son wouldn’t listen, because he was being stubborn, because he wouldn’t help out. I felt frustrated because the pizza box needed to make it into the house to keep the car from smelling and I needed, no wanted it, to be moved into the house faster. Okay, well of course these weren’t the real reasons. I felt frustrated because to be honest, I had too much to do and wanted to get on with my day.

Yes, I felt frustrated because my mind was going so fast thinking of all I had to get done in forty-five minutes, that I couldn’t slow down enough to be flexible and more patient with how a pizza box would get into a house. My mind was moving so fast that I couldn’t slow down enough to find perspective, to realize that it was just a pizza box and that the car wouldn’t smell that bad and if it did, well, then the boys would remember to bring the food in next time.

So yeah, the pizza box wasn’t the real issue pushing me to almost yell, my stress was the real issue. Luckily for all parties involved (pizza box included as it might have been thrown rather abruptly), my now two years of Orange Rhino training helped my mind get in check before the yell erupted. As I opened my mouth to yell, my eyes saw the infamous pizza box and my mind talked to myself as it has been engrained to do:

“You don’t want to yell because the pizza box ain’t moving. You want to yell because you have too much to do; you want to yell because you always take on too much; you want to yell because you know this stress was brought on by yourself.”

Realizing and fully acknowledging that the real source of my frustration, my anger, had nothing to do with my kids, immediately helped me to chill out – as it so often does. After I did chill out and my son did finally bring the pizza box in after saying to me, “You know mom, I actually am hungry for a snack. I was just tricking ya,” I actually found gratitude in the pizza episode.

Sure, I felt grateful that I didn’t yell especially since my son finally did bring it in and on his own without yelling (it always amazes me what my kids are capable of if I chill out and find a little more patience!) but I also felt grateful because the pizza box served as a great reminderDuring the early days of my journey on The Orange Rhino Challenge, I realized that so often I wanted to fly off the handle over small things like pizza boxes, socks left on the floor, toys not put away, and toothpaste on the counter. Just to name a few – and an emphasis on the few! I quickly realized that whenever such a small external thing pushed me close to yelling, it was because something not so small, but rather quite big was pushing me internally to yell.

Now I know that when I am going to lose it big time over something small, I really need to step back and take a look at my life and what is going on and what I need to do to adjust.

The pizza box reminded me today to slow down, to re-evaluate my to-do list and to re-think everything that is so called “stressing me out.” While I didn’t come to a clear “aha!” as to how to make my life a little less crazy right now, I did at least come to clear awareness of how stressed I actually am. Yes, at least I am more aware that I need to at a minimum focus on taking care of me and finding ways to unwind as much as possible so that I don’t unravel and start yelling unnecessarily. And at least, in irony of all ironies, are you ready for this, at least I actually did slow down enough to literally read the box:

My littlest man savoring the slices – yes slices, he had three going at once – on vacation this summer. I too savored the slice of life at that moment. I focused on enjoying the joy he had eating his pizza instead of stressing about the mess and all the packing I had to do to get us home. Totally the right choice; it was an awesome pizza party.

“Savor the Slice.”

Ah yes, savor the slice. I’m sure it meant, savor the slice of life you are eating right now because that is a great way to unwind and is way better than stressing out, right?!  Yes, of course it did. I am most certain. Again, thank you dear pizza box. Thank you.

I normally don’t honk my horn when driving for no other reason than I can’t stand the sound. Sure on occasion I do the light, gentle “beep” if someone is hanging out at a red light just turned green. And yes, if I am close to getting into an accident I’ll do the more firm, “BEEP” to keep both cars safe. But hardly if ever do I use the horn besides that.

But today I did and I immediately felt like a total ass afterwards.

Today was just one of those go, go, GO kind of days. It was also one of those, everything that could make me late for every appointment did happen, kind of days. It was a real doozer. So needless to say when I was driving late to our last appointment of the day and I found myself stopped behind two cars waiting for the first car to turn left, for oh say five minutes, I became a wee bit frustrated. I mumbled to myself things like, “Come on already, just turn!” and “What’s your problem, you so could have turned!” The driver in front of me clearly shared the same frustration, for she honked after the driver refused to take the third totally safe opportunity to turn. It was a gentle honk, though, one of the polite ones, so it was cool.

Mine, however, not so cool.

After the fifth opportunity passed, I did a, “BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” and then knocked my head against the window impatiently as the sixth opportunity passed! Finally the person turned and I could see the driver’s face clearly. His face didn’t show signs of, “oops, I shouldn’t be looking at my phone, I should be turning,” or “shit, I haven’t been fully paying attention.” Nope. Instead, it showed signs of patience and diligence which given the age of the person, and given my past experience with drivers of this age, is a rarity.

It was a high school student.

A high school student driving responsibility, safely and intelligently; a high school student being vigilant; a high school student not speeding or driving recklessly like so many do. I shouldn’t have honked at him. Instead, I should have turned left, followed him down the dead end road, got out of my car and said,

“Hey, good job. Driving is a big responsibility and you are taking it seriously. You ignored the honking car and waited until you felt safe. Keep driving like that.”

Quite frankly, he deserved my praise, not my impatience.

But he got my impatience because I assumed that he had no good reason for not turning. He got my impatience because I assumed that he was busy texting or chatting with someone. He got my impatience because I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. He got my impatience not because he deserved it, but because I was running late. My problem, not his.

As I drove away today, I felt ashamed of myself for being so quick to honk. It was a very familiar feeling; it’s how I used to feel when instead of slowing down and thinking about what good my kids might be up to, I assumed they were up to no good and yelled because of it. Sure, sometimes my assumptions were spot on (um, all four kids are quiet, and daddy’s Ipad is missing. Hmm?) But lots of times, my assumptions weren’t spot on, but actually far from spot on.

Take one day last month for example. My four year old absolutely, positively, refused to get into bed and as such, my patience absolutely, positively, refused to stay chill! My hands started to sweat and I knew a yell was growing quickly and furiously. Before I could even go into my closet to yell and let of my frustration, my son joyfully yelled,

“Yeah! I found it! I’ve been looking for it all night. That’s why I couldn’t go to bed!”

He ran and grabbed “it,” then ran back to me and held it up for me, pleased as punch.

“It” was a cup with hearts all over it that he had received that day at his Valentine’s Day party.

“Here mommy,” he lovingly said, “I wanted to give you this cup. You can use it when you drink water at night. Then you’ll think of me and how know how much I love you.”

My heart didn’t know if it should stop from the immense shame I felt for almost going ape shit on him when he was just trying to do something good, really good, or if it should beat wildly from the incredibly sweet gesture. It stopped for a second, and then beat wildly as I looked at his precious face and the smile that I swear went from ear to ear. He was so proud and happy. I was so proud and happy oh him and yes, I was proud and happy of myself for not yelling. I took the cup, scooped him up into my arms to thank him for being so loving and thoughtful, and then thanked The Orange Rhino powers that be that helped me stay calm long enough for him to find the cup.

I can’t get this memory out of my mind. Not just because I felt so bad for assuming he was just trying to delay bedtime and almost yelled because of it, but more so because it reminds me that good things happen when I don’t yell. If I had lost it before he found the cup, I am certain he would have given up and gone to bed crying while screaming, “You are the worst mommy ever!” Instead, he showed me how much he loved me.

Yep, good things happen when my mind and my mouth don’t drive recklessly.

I try to remember this as often as possible on tough days when I just want to scream. It motivates me to go slow and not speed through the morning or bedtime routine which would only increase chances of yelling. It motivates me to stop and to think before reacting and risking the chance of a blowout. It motivates me to be vigilant and look out for my triggers or any stressful situations for my boys that could negatively impact their behavior and therefore mine.

And it motivates me to be cautious with my actions so that just like the high school driver today, I can make the right move, at the right time, and in the right manner so unlike today, I don’t feel yucky for my actions, but rather lucky that I had another great time with my boys.

Let me see if I can find an appropriate adjective or term to perfectly describe my mood the last, oh shall we say, two and a half months?

Beastly?
Bitchy?
Grumpy?
Irritable?
Blech?
Rageful?

All of these words totally work, and yet they don’t seem fully accurate. There must be a better term to describe someone who wakes up grouchy (after being pounced on numerous times by the kids), grouses through the entire morning routine, hardly smiles, barely laughs, and always yawns. Oh wait, wait, I got it…

SLEEP DEPRIVED!

Yes, that is just the term to describe me this entire year of 2014 thus far. Massively, utterly, sleep deprived. For the last few months, every night I crawled into bed tired and yet unable to fall asleep. I stared, and stared, and stared at the blinds hoping that my mind would stop racing and that it would catch up to my beyond exhausted body and shut down for the night.  But it didn’t. So instead, as my husband snored away next to me, blissfully asleep I just lay there and watched the clock get closer and closer to 11:00 and then 11:30 and then midnight. This would be “manageable” if my boys didn’t wake before the birds; if they didn’t get up to pee at 5:30 every morning and then play loudly in their rooms until 6:00. Five and a half hours a sleep with four energetic boys to parent is just not a good combination, except of course if you are creating a recipe for disaster!

As more and more weeks passed under these circumstances, I found my mood increasingly worsening and right a long with it, my desire to yell increasing. I of course just assumed that my increasing desire to yell had to do with other things that had nothing to do with sleeping. (Why I assumed this I have no idea since I discovered early in my challenge that I need sleep to be civil!) Yep, I assumed it was because of the extra snow days, the extra pounds from said snow days and my inability to exercise from my injury, and the extra stress from other areas of life.

Until one morning.

I came down with the boys and started to prepare breakfast. Before I knew it, a raging feeling roared inside of me, screaming to get out, pushing me to yell bloody awful things at my kids. To be fully honest, the intensity of the emotion scared me – not because I feared I would go ape shit, but because I felt in that moment that I had no control over my body. I had no reason to be angry with my boys; they were being quite peaceful and well behaved actually and yet I wanted to bite their heads off. I felt like my body was on fire, totally off balance and unable to chill the f… out! I felt totally hormonal…wait, I felt just like I did after every single one of my boys was born and I was getting exactly zero sleep!

A light bulb went off and I realized that all my crappy, I-just-want-to-yell-because-I-have-no-patience-or-tolerance-at-all-right-now feelings were being driven a lot by massive sleep deprivation. I realized that I was working overtime to “Yell Less and Love More” wasn’t because I didn’t know how to not yell, it was because I didn’t have the energy or the mental capacity to keep myself as cool, calm, and collected as I need to be in order to “easily” yell less.

I realized that my sleep deprivation had to be solved, ASAP.

I was miserable, my kids were miserable, shoot, I am fairly certain everyone in my life was miserable with my sleep-deprived state. Sleep deprivation blows – I know I don’t have to tell you that. So instead, I will tell you what I am doing to kick it to the curb because as you also probably know, it is a huge trigger for yelling! So, here you go!

A few days after my lack of sleep epiphany, I went to my doctor.

“Doctor, I can’t fall asleep at all! I have bags under my eyes, I am constantly grouchy, I don’t like who I am right now, I need to change, now! Please, help!”

She offered this…

“You have insomnia, again. We need to battle that directly. What do you do half an hour before bed?” she asked.

“Honestly? I am on Facebook, aimlessly reading and reading and reading the same stuff over again. Or I am on People.com looking at all the ‘beautiful’ pictures. Or I am on Weather.com praying that it doesn’t say ‘Winter Storm Warning’ again. Or I am watching television or emailing.” I answered.

What did she think I was doing?! Once the kids hit the bed, it is my time! I need to catch up on things, you know like who wore what to the Oscars (okay, I needed to avoid doing things I need to do because I don’t want to) but also I legitimately had emails that I needed to get to.

“Okay, that needs to stop. No electronics thirty minutes before bed. Period. Electronics just get the mind all wired. You need to use those thirty minutes to unwind; to get your mind to settle down. Just like you do a bedtime routine for your kids, you need one for yourself. ” she stated matter-of-factly.

“So, what can I do then? I have read that hot showers just get the body temperature up and don’t help one sleep. I don’t like warm milk and I don’t like tea.” I stated just as matter-of-factly, but also with a bitter tone, for certain.

“How about reading? That helps a lot of people relax.” She replied.

“Can I read parenting books?” I asked innocently…and hopefully!

“Not if they stress you out about how to be a better parent.” She replied.

Well, shit. Of course they stress me out – I feel like a super inadequate parent now (daily?!) and am reading parenting books to find out how to be better and apparently, there is a lot I can be doing “better.” And double shit, the only time I have to read them IS at night and I like reading IN bed. Feeling totally screwed and out of options, I sarcastically, yet totally seriously asked,

“Okay, so what do normal people do to relax? I don’t know to relax. Seriously.”

She laughed at me (politely-ish) and suggested I try puzzles or folding laundry or tidying up the house. She also suggested that I write down everything that is on my mind so it doesn’t hang out in my mind while I try to sleep AND she suggested I write down all that I DID accomplish that day so that I don’t worry at night about all I have to do. She added the session with some “wise” words,

“The bed is for sex and sleep only. End of story. Do not get in the bed except for those reasons. If you don’t think you’ll be able to fall asleep, get up and get something done. Do not get into bed without winding down – you will not sleep well.”

Knowing how miserable I have been in my sleep deprived state, knowing how much I have been frustrated by how hard I have had to work to not yell, and knowing how much I preach “take care of you so you can yell less more easily,” I took all her words to heart and left her office promising myself that I would take care of me.

The results are clear.

The nights I unwind per her advice, I sleep phenomenally and wake up rested and able to tackle the day and have much more positive, fun-filled, loving days.

The nights I don’t, eh hem, like last night, I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and start the day hundreds of steps behind my kids and the entire day is an uphill battle.

So on that note, it is 9:23. In seven minutes I need to stop all electronics and fold laundry and write out my accomplishments/to-dos. This by the way has worked – and felt – wonderful!

Sleep deprivation blows. Often time it is unavoidable. But I know I want to avoid yelling at my boys so I am going to keep on trying to get as much sleep as I can…both for me, and my boys.

Sleep tight everyone!

Hi everyone! This is a quick post. I just learned that our community was mentioned in an article about yelling featured on www.today.com (NBC news!) As a result, I know that a lot of new people are coming here, no doubt looking for guidance on how to change, hope that he/she can change, and support to change! So…

Welcome! I wanted to put up some quick links to help our new Orange Rhinos get started – and to help anyone else feeling like he/she needs a re-start today! This is by no means a complete list but I hope it will help you get started.

INSPIRATION: Here is my Epiphany that helped me realized it was time to change and that I could change because I already knew how to not yell. Click here. 

GUIDANCE: I had no formal plan when I started my journey to stop yelling, but as I reflected upon the year, I realized that I loosely followed these 12 steps. Click here to get yourself started and by the way, you already did step 1 so congratulations! “12 Steps to Stop Yelling at Your Kids”

HOPE: Here is one of my favorite stories that proved to me that not yelling has major upsides. I think of this story often when I need to cool down. Click here: “Is Not Yelling Worth it?”

Even more HOPE: This is a funny, totally casual look at the journey to yell less. Not only did I know I could not yell because I never did in public, but I also realized that there are several other things I have taught myself in life that required the same actions need to not yell. Click here for “Learning to Hold a Yell”

SUPPORT: The Orange Rhino Community is the most wonderfully supportive, kind, and non-judgemental group of moms, dads, caregivers, teachers, grandparents, and anyone else determined to yell less and love more. Our community is international – we have Orange Rhinos from The United States to Chile to Australia to Germany to Spain to Mexico to India to Ireland.  Join us at our Facebook page www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino for daily tips and as a great place to “yell” and get support when the milk spills on the floor, again! Also, we have a PRIVATE online community where you can find others like you and gain a support network. I really encourage you to check this out! www.theorangerhino.com/community

I hope you find these few links helpful – I will try to add more to this post later tonight.

Welcome and all my best on your journey to yell less and love more – BELIEVE in yourself because you can change.

The Orange Rhino