{sometimes} My Weight Makes Me Want to Yell

My weight is up right now and boy does it have me down. Now, my weight being up is not a new thing to me; I have struggled with my weight and body image issues for at least fifteen years. (Okay, that was kind. I think since I was fifteen is more like it.) Anyway, what is a new thing to me is that I am lacking the determination, the will power and the ability to get to where I want to be to feel better about myself. As a result, I am feeling many of the same ugly, heavy feelings I used to feel when I yelled.

At the end of the day, I feel guilty that I indulged in an ice cream sundae…again. I feel disappointed in myself that even though I told myself “today is the day I will gain control” that I didn’t stop myself when the bag of chips called my name. I feel like a failure whenever I look in the mirror and my face and arms are noticeably puffier. I feel out of control, as in completely out of control and unable to stop myself once I start. And I feel embarrassed, frustrated, and hopeless that I will ever get back on track.

And I don’t like it.

While many people would say “hey, don’t worry about your weight, you like fine and it is what is on the inside that matters” and I would say back “I know, I know” the reality is that right now, neither statement matters to me. What matters to me is that my weight isn’t making me happy, or confident or comfortable in my own skin. In fact, all these negative feelings are making me miserable and well they are making it a lot harder to actually accomplish what I want to accomplish! I know that I need to stop beating myself up in order to move forward. I know that I need to not just give up on the entire day, my entire goal, after one bad snack. I know that one “weak” moment doesn’t mean that I am a failure; it just means that I need to let that moment go and seize the next opportunity to be a little stronger. And I know that telling myself “eh, I don’t really care” is complete bull. I do care, it is just easier to say I don’t care because then when I feel frustrated with my weight I can say to myself “oh, you don’t care, it’s okay.”

But again, that is complete bologna; it is just an excuse to hide behind. I care immensely.

I care immensely that right now I am binge eating because I am feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, tired and emotionally spent. I care immensely not just because I am physically and emotionally unhappy with my weight, but also because I know it isn’t healthy, physically or emotionally. I care immensely because even though in the moment I “really want and need to eat,” in fact I know that what I really want is to stop this behavior. And I care immensely because my weight and my eating habits are huge, gargantuan triggers for yelling and even though I am not yelling right now, I am finding it very hard to stay calm.

You see, when I feel confident and happy with myself, it is so much easier to parent with love and patience.

When I feel like I do now, unconfident and crappy about myself, oh is it hard to parent with love and patience…oh is it hard to be an Orange Rhino and yell less and love more. Why? Because all I want to do is yell, yell, yell!  Do I want to yell at the kids? No. What I really want to do is yell at myself! I want to yell,

“Why can’t you find self-control and not eat all that junk? You know how. You’ve done it before. Like 5 times before. Just put the fork down. Get with the program.”

And “Why can’t you find just 15 minutes to exercise when you know it is important to you and that it makes you feel better in so many regards?”

And “Why are you making yourself miserable? You know you would rather eat healthy and feel healthy than eat crappy and feel crappy.”

Oh yes, I want to yell big time. But just like yelling at my kids does no good, yelling at myself doesn’t either. What would do me good would be to do many of the same things I did to support myself in my quest to stop yelling at my boys. Telling myself I can do it, telling myself that I can lose weight, that I do know how, that I will get there, now that would do me good. Going one moment at a time, celebrating any small success, that would do me good. Practicing and practicing and practicing “self-control” and forgiving myself when I slip up, that would do me good. Loving myself even when I feel fat, and gross, and like a total utter failure, now that would do me a lot of good!

And while all of the above would do me a lot of good, the one thing that I know would really do me a heck of a lot of good would be to start tracking what I eat. This is ultimately what always works for me because it helps me to see where I struggle (can we say night time indulgences after the kids are finally asleep?) and therefore where I need to focus my efforts. I have been trying to track for weeks now. But I can’t stay committed to it. And I know why – because it is hard and it takes focus, energy and honesty. Yes, honesty. Writing down everything I eat means admitting that I am binging on food to feel better and that is hard to admit.

Kind of like how writing down all the times I wanted to yell was hard because it meant admitting that I yelled way too much and that I needed to change. It is one thing to think, “I yell too much.” It is another to actually see just how much I yell on paper. Ouch! Oh tracking my yells and my triggers was a brutally honest but wonderfully helpful tool. In fact, I decided to do it in the first place because get this, I had tracked my food intake before when I lost fifty pounds and I knew that keeping a diary of sorts works wonders.

And it does.

As does waking up each morning and trying again despite what happened the day before. As does being awake for each moment, each opportunity and trying again despite what supposed “failure” thirty minutes ago.  Yes, I have been struggling for weeks now with my weight and it really has me down. But I will not let it keep me down; I will not keep putting myself down for failed efforts, because that just makes it harder and harder to move forward, and easier and easier to say, “Screw it, I quit, I give up.”

Instead I will embrace wholeheartedly what I heard a stranger say today: “Never. Stop. Trying.“

Never. Stop. Trying.

I can do this. I want to do this. I will do this.

P.S. For the record, I continue to be amazed by how much The Orange Rhino Challenge is the gift that keeps on giving; how what I learned on my quest to stop yelling has been so applicable and helpful to other challenges in my life.  

To learn more about The Orange Rhino Challenge, check out  my book “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!”

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58 thoughts on “{sometimes} My Weight Makes Me Want to Yell

  1. I agree that it matters. I have felt the same things far too often lately. NO, I can’t seem to find the time to exercise… 15 minutes is not enough. I need longer than that to get the neurotransmitter dump that is really what the yelling AND the eating are replacing. UGH! It is beyond frustrating that I KNOW what I need –my first impusle when things get stressful is to go walk, walk, walk until I am spent. Somehow, I need to get a handle on it too and, like you, I don’t know how. I was Lifetime for a year with WW and had lost 130 lbs. That all went out the window when I got guardianship of the girls. All I can do is get up and keep trying each day. Eventually, I will have more on plan days than off plan days and get back with the program. I know from experience that the girls will grow and FAST. The growth in the last year has been incredible. Sooner than I can imagine (even having done this once) they will be grown and I will have the time — Just gotta do the best I can and not beat myself up until that time.. Try to focus on what I have done RIGHT rather than dwell on what went wrong… Let go as you have said. One day at a time and one baby step at a time. Not how many times I fall, it is how many times I get up… it truely is a LIFE LONG journey.

  2. This post really resonates with me. Thank you so much for your honesty, and you are not alone. I am not alone. Thank you!

  3. I know you’re struggling with your weight. I want you to know that being unhappy about it, even though others may not think your weight is problematic at all, is okay. It’s valid. Whether you’re 140 or 240, your weight is yours. But DO forgive yourself. Do take steps. I understand. I am a heavy lady, and have struggled with my weight most of my life. It’s not easy to own where you slip up. I understand. Hugs to you and I know you can be successful in this journey.

    Also, I needed to read this post. Especially the part about forgiving yourself and never stop trying. I needed that. Because the beginning f my own orange rhino journey isn’t going so well. It will though. Just as your new journey will. Love yourself. The rest will fall into place.

  4. Wow OR…. Are u a mind reader…..I have been thinking all of the above… But you have a gift, spelling it out, so eloquently. Thank you for sharing this because I feel I am not alone. I am currently in the exact same place as you with the weight issue…. Of course way way way behind you on the yelling issue.
    This just makes me feel like such a loser though- cos I sort of feel that if I could practise self control, that is all it would take to remove every boulder in my life. I am the worst at self control…. And all I can do today is tell myself to NEVER STOP TRYING. Thank you.

  5. I struggled with an eating disorder the latter years of my high school career. I ended up in the hospital for the severity of it. Now, I’m not implying you have an eating disorder, but what I did learn in the hospital is that I was a perfectionist, always feeling the need to control things. Since I couldn’t control much else in my life at the time, I chose to control what I ate. Now, a mother of two I no longer have any eating issues ( well not for the most part) but I do seem to feel the need to control my children, which leads to me yelling, which has led me here. Looking back, a lot of what I learned in the hospital so many years ago is very similar to what I am reading here. All I can say is just keep doing what your doing, cause your doing it well!

  6. Hugs.
    If i can suggest,
    1) dont write down everything you eat. That makes you obssese more about what you shouldnt.
    2) dont worry about “excersize” When you have the urge to eat things you shouldnt or when you are not really hungry do one of two things. Take a nap or go for a walk. Do it with your kids if you have to. Rest your soul or move your soul.
    Keep it SIMPLE.
    XO

  7. You just wrote about me. These are the same struggles I have. Today I yelled at my 7 yo when the puppy pooped in his crate. I hate it. And I know when I am happier with me I wouldn’t yell at them. It’s the motivation to get me there. I need to find it. Your site helps. Know that others struggle with the same things. And we can do it!

  8. I can relate completely! I’ve been reading The Beck Diet Solution (such a terrible name because it’s not a diet) because its goal is to have you retrain your thinking about food and eating. I’m at a particularly low point in my journey to health, and my attitude reflects that. I’ve only read the first few chapters and it resonates and has already helped me the last couple of days. Anyway, it’s worth picking up to see if it resonates. I also track and will continue to do so. Good luck!

  9. This post speaks to me directly. I too am very unhappy with my weight and feel that it is having a negative impact in my parenting. I have been grouchy, short, negative, louse, and “yelly” lately. And I think it is totally related to my weight, confidence, self esteem, and self control!! Or, lack thereof!!! I recently decided enough is enough!! I started doing morning shakes for breakfast and a workout program on DVD. My boys (age 2 and 4) LOVE working out with me!! They try and do some exercising right along with me and remind me to put fruit in my shake!! It’s been great! I have not been doing much because if them. I felt guilty putting them in daycare at the gym and they are too little to go for any sort if meaningful walk/run. I have to make working out at home work for me. So far so good. Although my ultimate goal is to get up before they do and fit a workout in before our day starts, hasn’t happened yet. But I still try! You will do something for yourself when you are ready. And that will be the right time for you. And you will feel great! I still had a few bites if curran tonight, but not a whole bowl! Success!! I had a glass of wine, but not 3! Success! I had salad with creamy dressing, but not a hamburger! Success!!

  10. Boy, do I feel like it was me that was writing your post tonight! I am so struggling to finally get the baby weight off….I need to reread this over and over again! Thank you for always putting things into perspective! I will Never. Stop. Trying!

  11. I am on the same exact boat with you on the weight issue. I have been dealing with the ups and downs of my weight, what feels like my whole life. But if there’s anyone who can overcome this obstacle is you. Thank you… Thank you for being such a wonderful inspiration.

  12. I have always loved to run and having 4 kids hassle it tough to do that at times. I tend to put myself last when it comes to meeting people’s needs, causing me to run a lot less than I’d like to. It finally hit me at one point how important to my mental health taking that time for me is. It has helped to equate it to medicine in my mind- because truly that’s how it feels and it is just as effective in changing your body chemistry. Making clear I need and deserve the time has been awesome for me.

  13. I had a friend tell me that while the kids are small is hard. That is part true. I remember being able to do some exercising with the kids. Now that they are bigger I am tired all the time and have no “mojo”. Lets do this OR! Thanks for the support!

  14. It is like I wrote this myself. I am having a love affair with ice cream this summer, and I just can’t end the relationship…I love it too much. And I don’t make time to exercise, which I know would work wonders. Perhaps you could start an Orange Rhino Accountability Diet/private Facebook group where we could all report what we ate that day, or at least if we did well and stayed on track? I would totally participate. Just a thought!

    Hang in there…us women are our own toughest critics!

  15. Have you looked into intuitive eating? Read any of Geneen Roth’s books? I loved “If you’re going to eat at the refrigerator, pull up a chair”. Intuitive eating has helped me a lot in recovering from an eating disorder, and Geneen Roth’s books have really helped me along the way.

  16. I could have written this post myself today. Going from one to two kids has completely thrown me for a loop this past year not mention completely thrown off any semblance of routine, I am stuck right now as well and it definitely causes me to want to snap at the kids. It’s extra hard because my hubby is working two jobs and in school and finances are too tight for me to go back to the gym which is where I have the most success. Like you eating after the kids are in bed is a HUGE problem. I feel like I deserve it, that it’s a reward for surviving the day and it sort of helps me relax in a way. Maybe a good place for us to start is not doing away with eating at that time but eating something better than we were before. Tracking totally helps but I often stop halfway through the day. Never stop trying though right? Hang in there and I will try too!

    • I to am about to go from one to two!!!!

      We don’t have to go it alone! The difference in the words wellness and illness is the word wellness includes we and illness includes I. I lead workshops on breaking up with dieting! We just started a brand new teleclass last night. There is room and time to join us! If you are in need of support and accountability, go to my Facebook page- Jennifer Padawer Coaching for the flyer Why Weight for more details! We would LOVE to have you!

  17. Hmm. I can relate. You are much younger than I am but you are where I lived and I wish that you had started this 20 years ago, it could have helped me, but I want to help you.
    Have you thought to have your hormones tested? I recently found I had been suffering with a HORRIBLE hormone imbalance that kept me frustrated, angry, fuzzy, fluffy and mad at the world for YEARS and it could simply have been treated with the right bioidentical hormones. It is amazing what those tiny little things floating around in your body can do or don’t do if they aren’t used properly by your body and doctors DO NOT check us properly and it is so common in women with small children.

  18. You need to change how to lose the weight. You didn’t gain the weight over night. Take one small baby step at a time. It might be no food after 10 pm or one less can of soda. Work on just that for a month. Then add something else in. Before you know it, you will see changes. It’s about making healthy life for yourself. Not what you can or cannot eat. I have lose 30 pounds and keeping it off for 4 years. I have my good days and bad, but it is easy to get back on tack since I’m changing one small thing.

  19. Can’t thank you enough for this post! I feel like you wrote it for me! I got in a really good workout routine this spring and am now worn out on many levels. I have been slacking on my workouts and mostly with my eating. My weight has slowly been creeping up over the last couple months and I’m so frustrated. The food choices I make affect my mood greatly. I have been short with my kids and husband and just don’t like myself right now. This post couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you thank you thank you for your honesty!

  20. Hey girl I hear you! I have a sign that says “It sucks to not be able to eat what you want but it sucks worse being in a body that you hate.”
    That is enough to turn me around from the fridge.

  21. Thank you for posting this. I am feeling exactly the same way! I know that the reason I’m so angry lately is because I feel out of control. I should be able to control myself, right?! I’m an adult! Adults are supposed to have things (especially themselves!) under control! If I can’t help myself be my best self, how am I going to help my children become their best selves?! Anyway, rant over. Again, thanks for your post. It really helped me calm down today and give me the motivation to try and be better tomorrow. We both are stronger than our struggles; we just have to remember that fact. Let’s put on our big-girl panties and take control, yeah? Good luck! :)

  22. It was meant for me to read this tonight. Every word applies to me. The poor eating, fake indifference, lack of motivation, failed attempts to consistently track my food, etc. Trying to plan my meals, keep healthy snacks, track, make baby food, wash clothes, wash bottles, treat ear infections, get shots…. I am simply tired and ignore my needs. I will however start anew tomorrow. Thank you for sharing.

  23. Just like you are loving your kids more, you need to love yourself more. It isn’t about willpower or failing a program. The more you love yourself and where you are right now, the more you can be kind to your body. Then, you will naturally choose foods that make you feel better and give you more energy. You will also find ways to move your body that you enjoy not forcing yourself to do exercise just to lose weight. Diets don’t work for a reason. So glad you shared this, yet again you are so courageous and you are sharing something many of us moms are struggling with. Thank you. You are so amazing and I’m so happy to be part of your Orange Rhino community

  24. I could have written this a few months ago. I used a program called Isagenix to jump start a healthy eating lifestyle to beat my cravings and emotional eating. The change has been dramatic and life-changing. I tell you this to encourage you that one day you will do it. You have done much harder things. One day at a time.

  25. I could have written that post! I too know how, and I’ve done it before! I just need to find it within me to do it again and stick with it! We can do this! My kids need me to do it, I need me to do it! Thank you for your honesty!

  26. I really want to encourage those who feel like they need to take better care of themselves, because I was there too (and sometimes still am). I found it hard to shed the weight gain from my second pregnancy. It was so hard trying to get away from the children to exercise and I don’t have a car (and live rural) so I never seemed to have the extra time and energy to bike in to town. A friend recommended the Cafe Mom Studios workouts (on YouTube) and I have been doing them since. I just need to find half an hour. And as the instructor says, “as moms we do so much for others, now it’s time to do something for ourselves.”

  27. This is not news to you, but I do suffer from all of the same triggers you’ve spoken of and frequently yell at my kids as I feel my jeans tighten around me. I am not an overweight person. I have been committed to fitness for over 21 years. I have eaten well and put exercise at the top of my priority list.

    Like you, though, in the last year or so, I lack the motivation to exercise as much leaving me with unwanted cellulite and saggy skin.

    What I am doing in the kitchen though is working. I don’t eat gluten or dairy now. I gave up gluten 2 years ago and dairy 6 months ago. What does this look like, you ask? The gluten was terribly hard to stop. I just had to stop buying it. Stop buying flour. No processed foods. Then, when I couldn’t figure out why I had so much gas when I eat so well, I decided to give up cheese. My brother in law has a milk cow right next door to me, so giving up dairy completely seemed insane. Raw milk right next door! But I found that cheese (delicious cheese!!) was what had the most fat in it and made me feel the worst. After that, giving up the rest was easy. I will say that I will still have it occasionally and don’t make a big deal if I’m at someone else house, but for the most part, I’m living without it and feeling better.

    So, getting rid of all the things in your house that you can run to when you want to binge is a good idea. Sometimes this means the whole family has to begin to eat better. My new plan: If I am hungry, I start with a carrot or an apple. If I’m still hungry, I can move to a healthy fat or protein such as peanut or almond butter or raw nuts.

    Start the morn with this smoothie: 1/2 c unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 2 T almond butter, 1 banana, 1 raw egg, 1 T coconut shortening, 1 handful greens, a sprig or two of mint, 1 T flax meal and 1 t chia seeds, pinch pumpkin pie spice and a pinch of ginger, half a glass of ice. blend. i have this in the morn around 7 and i’m not hungry in the least until 11. it has everything your body needs in the morn.

    Good luck. This is hard. But not yelling at my kids has been harder. Forgive me for completely rambling!

  28. Thank you for your continual depth and honesty! You know that we don’t have to go it alone! The difference in the words wellness and illness is the word wellness includes we and illness includes I. I lead workshops on breaking up with dieting! We just started a brand new teleclass tonight. There is room and time to join us! If you are in need of support and accountability, go to my Facebook business page- Jennifer Padawer Coaching for the flyer Why Weight! We would LOVE to have you!

  29. Your honesty is so encouraging and inspiring. What courage you have to display your struggles to everyone! As a dietitian, I have seen the importance of recording habits or food intake to evaluate and change behavior. It works but it takes effort and time (things that are hard for a mom to find, amen?!). I just want to encourage you to take care of yourself and make time to do the things that will help you feel better about yourself because it is so important. It will affect your kids, your marriage and your life! Posting scripture helps me think less about myself and failures and focus more on what i am capable of if I trust in the Lord to help me. Also wanted to share, I found this YouTube channel that is amazing! If I only have a few minutes, I can do a short workout video or, if I have more time I can do a couple. The workouts are insane but make me feel stronger and kind of reset my brain mentally! The trainer, Cassey, is super funny and encouraging to watch. She keeps me coming back for more! I’ve introduced another mom friend to her videos and we even finished the July challenge which made a huge difference in my post-partum body! It’s FREE so you can’t beat that! Check out Blogilates on YouTube or Facebook. Best wishes to you! Thanks for the encouragement and support you provide!

  30. Since a lot of your struggles seem to mirror my own I’d like to recommend a site that’s helped me tremendously. Sparkpeople.com. It’s free and helps with tracking food, exercise, water intake and has support systems (which, being the OR you understand can be VERY helpful) and recipes…so much great stuff. It may prove helpful to you. It’s ok to ask for and receive help. Sometimes you need more than just yourself cheering you on. 😉 Hang in there. This too shall pass.

  31. It just isn’t easy, and it isn’t fair either! One of my dearest friends gained about 18 pounds each pregnancy (not in the first trimester, the entire damn pregnancy) and it slid right off like six minutes after birth. I gained 75 pounds carrying twins on top of already being 30 overweight, so I feel your pain. A friend of mine recently recommended Geneed Roth’s “Women Food and God” and I’m not even halfway through and it has really helped me dig deep.

    Are you near a YMCA at least? Ours offers 2 hours free childcare per day and that’s the only way I’ve lost weight and kept my sanity.

    And, right! Never stop trying — because the alternative isn’t pretty. Thanks for the open heart and thanks for the greatness you are doing with this blog.

  32. I hear ya loud and clear OR! I was oh so happy when I was super healthy all those years ago – I can see it now but back then I still had parts of my body that I thought weren’t good enough! Today, I’d love to have that body back! But apparently not bad enough to consistently do something about it. I think I do but then get so easily derailed. I let “life” get in the way – I always have something “to do” that is more important than taking care of me. Why can’t I accept that taking care of myself is not selfish? I’m up for doing this with you and anyone else in the OR community that wants to work together on it!!

  33. Thanks for sharing. I too have been struggling with this. Your words help for me to sort out why it’s been such a problem and how I can work on fixing things.

  34. Thanks for posting this. I relate with this… Even though my issue is sleep. That might sound funny, but when the day is over I just want to stay awake for hours… We are talking 2 am ish bedtime. I know I need sleep and I need to be good to my body and that lack of sleep really makes not yelling hard, but I just want a million hours of “me” time. It’s turning into a bad cycle again. I’ve struggled with sleep for my whole life. It’s been weeks now of 4 to 5 hours of sleep, but when I know my son is sleeping 10 to 12 hours I feel guilty that I could have gotten more sleep. This might sound crazy to someone else, but when I read your post I felt like I could substitute other things that moms do that hurt their ability to hold it together and not yell. Thank you for sharing. Maybe I need to journal my sleep…

  35. Hello TOR~
    As you can see many of us are on the same boat with you. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t stop trying. Love yourself in the meantime :)

    I want to say sorry for not being more help to you as I said I would.
    In fact, I think one thing that would help you is more support, and not just 100s of people getting inspired by you. I’m back on track to do more encouraging on the community discussion page.

    Any suggestions as to how to do that better, please send them my way when you have time.

    Your BODY-WORK in progress Sister!
    Robin

  36. I too struggle with my weight and with confidence in myself, and I too when having a particular “bad” day with eating or tracking get frustrated which is also a trigger, and my darling children suffer the consequences.
    What I have worked thru (and believe me, I am no where near “done” or perfect!) is that focus on the reason I want to lose weight. Yes, it is for me to look good and feel good; however the main reason is for me to be here for my kids. As I push 50 – my biggest concern is heart disease. I am fearful that one day I will drop dead with having a heart attack. Being lean and healthy, with moderate exercise is what keeps me going. I know it is not foolproof, but it is somethign that I can do to decrease my chances. I am not trying to be the bathing suit model, so all other 50 year old moms are envious of me, or to fit in the same size jeans I did in High school. I just want to be at a good weight that I can maintain as a life time member of Weight Watchers and to enjoy spending time with my kids. Also the WW meetings keep me accountable and encouraged. We are all human, we make mistakes, we slip up. Another piece to this that helps me thru it daily is prayer. I know with God by my side, I can do anything. Daily reading of His word, and spending time with him can get me thru just about anything. Oh, I still yell and binge eat…again we are human, and we will always fall short. But each day is a new day, each hour is a new hour, or each minute is a new minute. Everything should be done in baby steps. Finally the OR helps me immensely..just knowing that I am not alone, and that other moms out there struggle with the same things I do on a daily basis..gives me comfort. Also, the same ideas/suggestions/thoughts you post on yelling, can be applied to every area of our lives. Just as you identify the trigger that causes you to yell, identify the trigger that caused you to binge. Just as you developed a method of yelling in the freezer vs yelling at your children, develop a method of replacing the binge eating with drinking a glass of water, brushing your teeth, eating fruit (0 points!) or going for a walk.
    We are in this together, and if anyone wants to hook up to be accountability partners – just let me know.

    • So well said! I too want to be healthy for my kids. I am 43, husband is 45 and our kids are only nearly 6 and 8. It is a daily struggle, but I think that I lose track of the ultimate goal and need to remember that I too have God by my side. Thank you for your honesty and words of wisdom. I have lost my WW lifetime…I need to get it back!

  37. I am in the same boat! I want to pass along an app that is wonderful for assisting in weight loss due to accountability. My Fitness Pal. It’s free. It has an enormous database where you can search for food and calories. You can also join up with friends so you can encourage each other and keep each other accountable. It is faster than a paper food diary and one less thing to stuff in your purse since it is on your phone. It has helped me tremendously! I still have a ways to go but it is nice taking some of the food guilt out of my life. I have enough yelling guilt to go around.

  38. This post resonated with me immensely. I just picked up the book “50 ways to soothe without food” and it hits home on so many levels. You are not alone.

  39. I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I have struggled with binge eating for many many years. What I have learned in the last year has changed me and given me my life back. I have learned that binge eating and obsession with my weight and eating is the *symptom* NOT the problem that needs to be fixed.

    When I focused on my eating habits as the problem…I worked harder and harder to control them. And the more I focused on that, the more I binged. I felt out of control and like a total failure. Which in turn made me binge even more! It is such a bad cycle.

    But I learned that my binging and obsession with weight and eating is not the problem that needs to be fixed. I repeat….. it is not the problem! It is the symptom of feeling out of control in your life. It is the symptom of perfectionism and deciding you aren’t enough just the way you are. The symptom of the feeling that you need to look different. Be different.

    I threw away the scale. ( actually my husband did cause I couldn’t bare it) That has been the best thing. It was like I had to fix from it! But now I can truly focus on how I feel and exercise is focused on getting stronger and having more endurance. My happiness is no longer dependent on what that scale says.

    If I feel myself wanting to weigh…. or start tracking my calories…. or coming up with a new eating plan etc etc…I know that it means I am stressed with life. It means I am not feeling gratitude for who I am and how God made me. So I tackle those feelings. I reduce the stress in my life. I remember that I can’t control everything… and that is ok. I surrender to life.

    I try to exercise every day and eat three meals a day and keep desserts to the weekend only. And I am learning to accept what my body looks like with this healthy life style.

    I wish you well! Life is such a journey!

  40. I am in tears because your struggle is mine as well. Thank you for your words. You really summed it up and just those few words make me want to do better….as a parent and person. Thanks again.

  41. Self-care is so hard for us mamas! I think we all have our triggers. For me it is feeling out of control, but in other areas of my life. I have one really intense kid with some extra issues and it is so so hard to remain calm and not yell. I love your blog and FB page. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    PS I read the Trim Healthy Mama book that was doing the blog rounds in the spring. Not to sound like a commercial, but it was the missing piece of the puzzle for me. For the first time in my life I am actually somewhat in control of my weight. I hate diets and deprivation btw. I also hate running and am generally not real big on self-discipline. That’s just where I”m coming from.

  42. It is so wonderful to know that we are not alone in ANY of this life business! Why Weight? Is a workshop/teleclass I started for this very reason – support and accountability….it appears that many of us Orange Rhinos share similiar issues when it comes to weight/yelling issue. Pop over to Jennifer Padawer Coaching and check out the flyer for my teleclass Why Weight? if you need support!!! We address discovering the messages our weight is trying to tell us and uncover how our weight keeps us “weighting” from life. I love this community!!!!

  43. What a wonderfully honest post! I am exactly the same way. I lack self control in the food department even though I know it’s not good. I know I have screaming high cholesterol and autoimmune issues that could be alleviated by weight loss. I know that I would feel better, be more energetic, less bloated and my “fuse” would grow longer. Yet, I can’t turn down a slice of pizza!

    When I feel crummy… I yell like an angry banshee. When I feel like I’ve “got it together”, I’m a nicer mommy. I don’t know what that alone does not motivate me to put down that slice of cheese.

    I recently got “back on track” and find what’s working for me is looking forward. I ask myself, “Do you really want to be doing this 5 years from now? Do you want to feel like this 5 years from now? Do you realize your metabolism will be worse 5 years from now?”. It makes me realize that the time to do this is NOW! I’m not starting my diet tomorrow…

  44. Yes. Exactly every word of this. I made myself a promise back in March that I wouldn’t let the weight creep up again and it has to a certain extent. And I’m so pissed! And pissed at everyone else too. I’m trying to be kind to myself and allow myself the fact that it may be grief, but I’m still pissed about it. And that wants to make me yell too. At anyone within range.

  45. Another post said it but I will repeat it…you are so eloquent & honest! This post is something I needed to read, just like so many others. OR, you are so REAL & it is fantastic! I have been beating myself up a lot lately about yelling and being heavy and eating crap and not keeping a cleaner house and not being a better wife and…and…and…you name it, I am probably berating myself about it. We need to stop the self flagellation and TRY to celebrate the desire we have to be better tomorrow than we are today!

  46. I can not believe the timing in this post….because I too have been struggling so much with my weight these past couple weeks…..well, honestly, more like MONTHS! And what you said about journaling your eating habits? The fact that you have to be honest in what you’ve eaten is exactly why I last 1 stinkin’ day before I decide “I don’t need to journal because I know in my head what I should and shouldn’t eat…right?”. And it’s not just with my weight, but with my determination, self-motivation and just all around sense of care to do ALL the things that I know, without a doubt, will make me feel good about myself – I can’t seem to figure out why it’s so much harder this time, why I’m unable to find my “care” button. I’ve been so completely unmotivated with most everything – cleaning the house, folding laundry, paying attention to clients at work, caring to DO things with my family or friends. Yet, the lack of these things being done is driving my A-type personality CRAZY. So how do I find my “care” button to get off my fat butt and DO these things that would help me to feel better about myself and help me to WANT to be around my friends and get back into family activities? My 8 year old daughter just started cheer season and I find myself embarrassed to even take her to practice where all the moms who know me from last year can see how out of control my life has been this past break, just from the visible extra 20lbs I’ve put back on. So yeah, this post just screamed at me with everything I’ve been feeling….and I just have to say, as much as it feels good to hear someone else admit the exact same frustration, I’m sorry that you too have been feeling this way. I’m still not feeling that kick in the butt I need to get me back on track, so I’m feeling lost these days. What I think makes me most frustrated is realizing, as I’m typing this, that I’m not trying my absolute best to succeed. Because I KNOW what my best is, I’ve done it so many times before. So what makes this time so different that I can’t seem to reach that place of desire to be successful? I’m still searching…..I won’t give up. I guess that’s the best I CAN do for now and that has to mean something at least, right?

  47. I’m sorry you are feeling down about your weight. I totally relate to the one snack that ends up blowing the whole day (I ate a cookie and messed up the plan-might as well eat the entire dozen!). Anyway, I also track my food and find the my fitness pal app to be invaluable. It makes tracking super simple. I you don’t have a smartphone they also have a web application.

  48. Thank you. I just happened upon your blog, and this is the first post I read. I get really down on myself for various things and can identify fully–thank you for your honesty, however easy or difficult it may be to share it with the world. It’s certainly encouraging to know there are others like me, and that we all can bolster one another. Blessings in your journey!

  49. I am SO there with you right now. I have lost the weight before but for the last 2 1/2 years I have lost the weight battle giving in to every desire and craving, then hating myself. I just started trying (again, like for the hundredth time) to lose the weight. I have been working out 3-4 times a week since August 12th. For me It was accountability. The first time I lost weight I was accountable to my bf who worked out with me. Situations have changed and that is not an option right now. My brother and I discussed our health “issues” at our family campout and now we are accountable to each other through text messages each day. We can text when we are having a hard time staying away from certain foods and when we have completed our exercising and been good when we wanted to be bad. Its has been so helpful to me and motivational knowing that someone is waiting for the text to know how I did today.
    When I exercise I tend to eat better because I don’t want to work it off again. Though I haven’t gotten to the point of counting calories yet, I am more aware of what I am putting in my mouth and I stopped buying unhealthy chips and opt for the healthier snacks so I feel less guilty when I do cave.
    Good luck, you’re such an inspiration to me. Keep it up.
    And yes, you can do this!

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