Memories of a Mummy

Day 6 of The Orange Rhino’s Vacation…
If you are new to this blog, welcome! I am on a brief vacation and have collected several guest posts to share while I am taking a break. They are all from different parts of the world. Yes world. People are yelling less and loving more from Montana, United States to Ireland to Mexico to Australia and more. Pretty powerful if you ask me. We are ALL in this together. Have a fantastic week and if you ever feel alone, know that somewhere in the world, literally, there is an Orange Rhino awake working hard too. All my best for a great week…I’ll be back online around July 8th

Am I the mom I expected myself to be? Am I the wife I expected myself to be? Am I the friend, the neighbor, the sister, the daughter I expected…expect myself to be? Oh, I can pretty much answer no to all of those questions. Yes, I hold high expectations of myself. Yes, that is most definitely a trigger for my yelling. Yes, I am adjusting my expectations. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I am not alone. K. from Wales, United Kingdom shares her experience about the same topic. She is so brutally honest it is beautiful. Have a read and then let us know, do you relate?

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My main trigger has to be the constant adjustment and realisations of not being the mummy I expect myself to be, or the person I was before having children. 

Ultimately it’s the journey of finding my way that underlies my yelling.

I have two amazing girls aged 4 and 6 and love them to pieces. Before children I was an active person cramming as much into life as possible, with travelling, being in the military as a volunteer and also teaching children with Special Needs, with the patience of a Saint. My first pregnancy and birth did not only not go to plan or follow any of the suggested journey’s and outcomes in the books 😉 It turns out my body is not a good pregnant body, and after 2 C-sections and significant wear and tear on my back, I am no longer even half as active as I was. I have high expectations of what a good mum should be, but as I don’t live on the TV, with a huge family support network and children that comply with every demand, that’s been a bit of a wake up call.

I also for some reason seem to have misplaced my patience where my own children are concerned and have become this volatile mass of complexity that is slowly unraveling as I adjust and resolve my life plan step by step.

I have weekly physio on my back which is likely to continue for another year, so cumulatively with everything, I wont be going back to teaching, or the military and my life has had to adjust on a journey I never anticipated.

This process is my top trigger to yelling at my little treasures as I come to terms with finding personal fulfillment in different avenues. To manage, and find a path, I set up my own sewing business on Heritage Crafts. This fits around life as a mummy as going back to my original career is not really and option. But as its not as extreme as travelling in the Borneo jungle, or working in the field of Autism I battle with myself feeling worthy. I then grasp a magical moment with my girls, when they say they love me, or when I cuddle and slightly lift (don’t tell my physio) my youngest and she automatically rubs my back, or seeing them set up a teddy bears picnic in the garden and singing in Welsh. I am doing a good job, they are happy, they are singing and despite the constant battle I have not to yell at them because I am finding things a challenge, they make me worthy.

I know its me that needs to give me a break, and Operation Orange Rhino has been a life line. I think I’m only about 4 days in as I’ve had to re start so many times but I’m getting better and my girls are worth every second.

~ K. from Wales, United Kingdom

Grrrr! What is not to love?! Photo by K. of Wales, U.K.

“I know its me that needs to give me a break.” Um, I could have written that line myself. And I also could have written the line “finding fulfillment in different venues.” K has touched upon many thoughts I have dared not write about. Thank you K for sharing and giving me the nudge to address these thoughts more! And good luck to you!

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6 thoughts on “Memories of a Mummy

  1. This is also probably my biggest trigger. I tell myself every morning that today is the day that things will be better. But by the evening, I’m full of guilt & shame from all of the times I lost my cool. I expect WAY too much of myself & of the life I always thought I would have. With a child battling cancer & one who is 15 months old & still exploring and learning, things escalate quickly some days. I’ve just got to keep on trying! Thanks so much for sharing!

  2. K from Wales has it in one. I was also a high flier before I had the twins….working in international development I had high profile roles and I was really good at what I did, and got lots of accolades. I also spent a lot of time with local, disadvantaged kids in the countries I worked in. I had them at my place all the time and I didnt give a hoot if they flooded the bathroom having a great time as I knew they didnt even have running water at their place. The twins were born very prematurely and were sickly for a long time which left me sleep deprived and isolated. And we’d moved back to “civilisation” so I was having culture shock of not living in the developing world anymore. It took me a long time to be OK with my identity of being just a mum now. I could work and i actively dont want to as we worked long and hard and spent a lot of money on IVF to have our kids, but I still feel like Ive lost my old self and I guess I do mourn for that. I know my new role of mum is critical, and Im now trying hard NOT to yell and be grumpy with my twins who are very much loved.I so love Orange rhino as even tho i feel like Im failing often, I know Im in good company!

  3. Amazing that you have made it 4 days! I am proud when I make it 4 hours with my 2 and 4 yr old. It is so hard adjusting to full time working Mommy trying to support a family on a social worker salary. I miss me time but I miss them whenever we are apart. It is great that you are trying and thank you for sharing your success!

  4. Thank you K for your honesty it makes me realize even more fully that as women and Mothers we are more alike than different and having travelled similar never to have been predicted hard roads I find comfort in your words and feel stronger knowing that I am trying over and over again right alongside you and every other Orange Rhino Parent. Bless you.

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