390 days of loving more!
(This is not intended to offend anyone. I share it because it is real and a real trigger. When I identified this trigger back in October (read here), it helped me to acknowledge it and work with it instead of letting it make my desire to not yell impossible!)
Simply put, today I blame P.M.S.
Yes, you read that right. I blame P.M.S. Today was the most horrifically, long, difficult day in ages and I so very much wanted to scream every single moment! The kids weren’t especially challenging, I was just especially so not with it! I had no energy. I had no patience. I had no desire to actively parent. I just wanted to be left alone! At one point today when I was clearly about to lose it over what, um nothing, I turned to my husband and said,
“DUH! I know why I am such a mess. It’s P.M.S. This big ‘ole zit on my chin that is screaming to be popped should have been the dead giveaway! And the fact that I can’t keep my eyes open? Duh!”
His loving response? “Good thing I’m getting on a plane in an hour then, eh?”
Ha! He had a good point! Yes, good for him, not for my boys! Once he left it went downhill. P.M.S. just puts me on such an edge that it is hard to stay calm and loving! I recall a post I wrote in October about what P.M.S. really stands for and today I stand by that even more so. It doesn’t mean Putting up with Men’s Sh*t as I thought in my teenager years and it certainly doesn’t mean Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. No, P.M.S. definitely stands for Pushing Me to Scream!
And that is exactly what was happening today! Everything was pushing me to scream. At one point, the fighting over who sat where on the couch for T.V. really got to me and I said, “That’s it! Mommy needs exercise, we all need fresh air, let’s go!”
I was so proud of myself for taking control of my trigger only to be frustrated minutes later when #1 and #2 started fighting over who found the super, huge, “perfect” pinecone first and wouldn’t stop screaming in the middle of the neighborhood. So we turned around and went home. I separated everyone into corners with books and started to cook dinner. I popped outside for two seconds to put food on the grill and returned inside to hear,
“Mommy! #4 is drawing on the kitchen wall with the dry erase marker.”
Are you kidding me?! How did he get it down? I started scrubbing and scrubbing and it didn’t come off. ARGH! Well thank goodness for Google. “Apply hairspray and scrub with dry cloth.” Worked like magic. Of course once that was solved…
“Mommy, #1 threw something at me!” and then
“Mommy, mommy, I peed in my underwear” cried #3 and soon thereafter, now what 30 minutes past the great pinecone debacle of 2013, #2 started up AGAIN
“Mommy, but that was my favorite pinecone ever! There will never be another one.”
Oh. My. Gosh. ENOUGH! Enough of the craziness, the yelling, enough of my P.M.S. pushing me to scream even more so than a normal situation like this! So I started saying to myself over and over and over again “L.O.V.E. your kids Orange Rhino. L.O.V.E. them.”
“MOMMY! The grill! It’s on fire, look at all the smoke!” Yes in all the commotion I forgot that dinner was on the grill and was properly getting burned. Perfect! I ran outside, shut the door, threw open the grill, grabbed the spatula and instead of taking the food off the grill….just threw my arms up in the arm and let out a big ‘ole “AHHHHHHHH!”
And then, again, instead of taking dinner of the grill (P.M.S. also sucks any rational thinking out of my brain), I started laughing. What else was I to do? Right, save dinner. I salvaged the Italian Sausages and prayed that my boys would eat them without fuss. They did; phew. As we were headed up to bed, #2 said, AGAIN:
“But Mommy…my pinecone. Seriously, it was the most perfect pinecone ever!!!”
(Oh my gosh, enough with the pinecone!)
And that’s when I realized it was time to post on Facebook; it was time to let some frustration out or I was really going to lose it. And that is when I started saying “L.O.V.E.” over and over and over again. Just writing on Facebook, just sharing the L.O.V.E. mnemonic that, pushed me back to somewhat normal. I empathized with my son over the lost pinecone. I observed that my son peed in his pants because he was exhausted and because I hadn’t reminded him after nap to go. I verified that my oldest son had thrown the book earlier because he was pissed that daddy left on Sunday instead of Monday. And then I listened to myself say…
“Orange Rhino, P.M.S. is pushing you to scream. Not your kiddos. Take a deep breath. Bedtime is now. You can do this.”
Yes, L.O.V.E. saved the day…again! I remember writing in October that I never really thought of P.M.S. as a legitimate trigger. But it is. Today just proved it. And it proved to me that when it comes, it is a brutal, hard trigger to overcome. I can try to manage it by exercising and eating healthy and getting rest (which I did do today, I slept in a whopping 42 minutes), but if all that fails because life happens, well then thankfully I can always turn to L.O.V.E.