207 days without yelling, 158 days of loving more to go!
Dear Orange Rhinos,
I am at my breaking point! My baby is teething and hasn’t stopped fussing since 630. My 3 year old hasn’t stopped whining since the same time. My insomniac 4 year old has been up since 4 am and is bouncing between the walls when excited and the floor when exhausted. And my 6 year old is so anxious about Kindergarten that he is going between bawling and asking the same questions over and over about Kindergarten. Everyone needs me and I am having a hard time keeping it together! Does anyone have any strength or patience to spare? If so, please send it to me!
The Orange Rhino
Quite frankly, sometimes, four kids is too much to handle. And it gets to me. Like really gets to me. And I find myself ready to scream because I just can’t handle the intensity of four needy children at once. Especially when I have my own crap going on. Like not sleeping well either because I too am nervous, and sad, as in wicked nervous and wicked sad, that Kindergarten is starting. Like feeling anxious about some health issues going on in my family. Like feeling worried about some adult challenges and changes facing me right now.
Yeah, I kind of have a lot on my mind trying to keep it together amidst 4 crying/screaming/emotional kiddos wears on me. I just want to scream ENOUGH! Enough of the bad news. Enough of the change. Enough of the worrying. Enough of not feeling I am a good enough mom, a good enough person, a good enough friend. Enough of the CHAOS, mental and literal!!! I just need some peace and quiet.
This morning if I didn’t get some peace and quiet, I was gonna lose it. And I mean full on, full throttle, out right, bloody lose it. I was going to go absolutely bat shit at my four kids. And I didn’t want to go there because I knew it wouldn’t be just a yell. It would be a raging scream where my face turns bright red. It would be the release of all the crazy pent up emotion I am feeling and it would be the size of the angst I am feeling. Nope, I definitely did NOT want to unleash that on my kids.
How did I know it was going to be that big? I felt my heart racing. My palms were sweating and the cold water wasn’t cooling me down. I was snapping left and right at silly things. I just felt like I was going to burst. Truly.
So I did what I could do. I put the baby to nap a few minutes early and I sent the other three boys to the basement to play without supervision. I knew this was a risk. A gigantic one. I knew it meant tears would ensue and that every toy bin would be turned upside down and it would look like a war zone but I determined that was a better option than mommy losing it.
And then I went to my computer. And I wrote to you all. And I immediately, and I mean IMMEDIATELY, felt the angst slowly release. Why is that? How does that work? Truly I think just going to my Orange Rhino Facebook Page reminded me of my commitment to love my kids more, it reminded that I can do it. That I WANT to not yell. I pressed “Post” and perspective found me.
I needed to find love with my kids. I wasn’t angry at them or with them. I was just overwhelmed with emotion and I was keeping it inside, again. I was playing this little silly game of “let’s see how long I can pretend nothing is on my mind, let’s see how long I can be in denial of some big things on my mind, let’s see how long I can put on a show that I am all pulled together but really I am unraveling second by second before I explode.”
Yeah, totally stupid game. I NEVER WIN.
At that moment, all I needed was a hug. Just some reassurance that it will all be okay, that I will get through this overwhelming moment in my life. And I knew just the place to find it.
I headed downstairs to the warzone.
“Okay guys, mommy needs a hug, like a really, big, gigantic, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious hug”
“What’s supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? And why do you need a hug? We’re busy!”
“Never mind super blah blah blah. Bad choice of words. I am cranky and need to snap out of it, how is that for an answer?”
I kick some legos to the left, some blocks to the right, some costumes towards the wall and some balls behind me to make room on the basement floor and plop a squat almost as ungracefully as I handled the morning.
#2 ran towards me and squeezed me hard. The tension started to fade. Then #3 snuggled into my lap and being the little Casanova that he is, he put his hand on my face and gave me a kiss on the lips. And last but not the least #1 ran over and jumped on me from behind, wrapping both his legs and his arms around me, squeezing my tension out and making sure it was gone by saying “We love you mommy.”
And I felt better. Not 100% but better. And then you all posted words of encouragement every few hours and I felt even better. And I made it through the day.