12 Steps to Stop Yelling at your Kids

328 days of not yelling, 37 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

This is my best attempt of summarizing how I stopped yelling at my four boys and stopped feeling the awful guilt, anger, disappointment, sadness, and hopelessness inside every single time I yelled. It isn’t scientific and it isn’t backed up by an advanced degree in childhood behavior, therapy, life coaching or any topic you might think relevant to this subject. What it is, however, is an honest, from the trenches account from a real mom and it is something that YOU can do. I am not going to tell you it was easy. It wasn’t. It was hard. BUT it was DOABLE. And I am not going to tell you it is one, single, concrete thing you can do at the moment you want to yell. It isn’t. It is a process and it takes work. BUT again, it is DOABLE.

Good luck!
The Orange Rhino

*

Step 1: Acknowledge that you need to change, Decide that you want to change, and fully Commit to changing. I didn’t just casually do these things, I REALLY acknowledged, REALLY decided, REALLY committed. Changing a bad habit is a big job. It required an equally big amount of energy and focus. I gave The Orange Rhino Challenge MY ALL. I took it seriously, I made it a real priority, I believed in it and myself, and I promised myself I was going to do whatever it took to succeed. 

Step 2: Set a Goal. Yes, 365 days straight is a bit severe but it was a clear and inspiring goal, for me. Pick a goal for you that isn’t too vague, isn’t too overwhelming but is also motivational and measurable. Pick a goal that will help you yell LESS and build confidence. Some ideas beyond 365 days: 30 days without yelling, 30 bedtimes without yelling, 1 week without yelling. For more ideas read this blog post: Forget 365.

Step 3: Share your Goal to Create Accountability. I told my friends and family about my goal in order to make it “real” and not just a casual idea. Yes, it was hard to admit that I yelled too much but I knew it was important to have a group of people to be accountable to and share my progress with.

Step 4:  Create a Support Network. There are four people I wouldn’t have survived this without.
(a) The Pep-Talker: The person you can call when you want to quit who will always tell you not to, that you can do it and that you’re doing great. This is my hubby’s job!
(b) The Texter: The person (people) you can text whenever you feel the urge to yell. Choose people who you know will reply back quickly with a supportive “don’t do it!”
(c) The Children: As in your children. Whenever my boys sense I’m getting ready to yell they say “Orange Rhino!” It works wonders. Wonders.
(d) The Orange Rhino Facebook Community. These are the people who can give you advice, encouragement on bad days, and hooray’s! on good days.  These are the people who will stand by you without judgment, who will remind you that you are not alone and who will inspire you to keep going.

Step 5: Track your Triggers. This is the part no one wants to do, but needs to do! My first 10 days I wrote down on orange post-it notes when I yelled, why I yelled, my mood, my kids mood, time of day etc. Tracking helped me:
(a) Create a mental alarm system that now goes off BEFORE I yell. (ie. Warning! Legos all over floor. You will yell. Prepare yourself for self-control. )
(b) Identify small problems that can easily be fixed and larger problems that can be focused on one at a time (ie. rushing in morning makes me yell, put out breakfast plates at night)
(c) Gain self-awareness that 9 out of 10 times underneath the “triggers” was the real trigger, my mood, and that therefore I needed to focus on my role in the “wanting to yell situation,” not just the kids. (ie. I want to yell because the kids are too loud, but REALLY I’m just tired) and ultimately
(d) Create a preventative measures plan to practice (eat well, exercise, go to sleep earlier, don’t bottle up emotions, etc…)
Read my post on Tracking your Triggers here.

Step 6: Start practicing slowly. Learning not to yell AT your kids is a big change; take baby steps and know that it takes practice! First, I taught myself to yell AWAY from my kids. I stilled yelled, but not at them, not in their faces. Instead I yelled in closets, toilets, cupboards, cars, boxes, shoes, bags. I yelled anywhere BUT at them. After, I trained myself to turn away AND not say the mean words. I let out yells (ARGH!!!!), animal sounds (Roar!), whistles and whatever else came to my voice.  The key here is repetition and accepting that “I can not always control my kids action, but I CAN always control my reaction.”

Step 7: Keep Practicing! After ten days of feeling silly yelling into the toilet and making animal sounds all day, and realizing that I DID have the self control to not yell at my boys, the desire to yell faded. I turned my energy towards (1) finding and practicing new ways to stay calm, (2) identifying, understanding and alleviating triggers, and (3) owning up to my own mood as the REAL source of the problem. Yes, I kept working at everything until I found my groove. For 100 Alternatives to Yelling that I tried, click here.

Step 8: Keep Goal top of mind. I practically decorated the house and myself in orange for a month straight to keep my promise top of mind; and I still do. Serve orange foods, wear orange, post sweet, gentle, “I can’t imagine yelling at that precious” baby pictures in problem areas, do whatever works to keep you focused on your goal.

Step 9: Persevere when you yell. In the beginning I restarted several times. I was discouraged until I started reminding myself that this was a process, that it would take time, and that the upside of yelling was that I learned about a trigger and what response to calm myself didn’t work. I didn’t fail; I just got more data points for how to succeed! Besides, telling myself I failed just made me feel crankier and yell more. So I stopped being so hard on myself, and when I did yell, I forgave myself, apologized to my kids, and promised to keep on trying.

Step 10: Celebrate when you succeed. Any moment I didn’t yell was a success, even if I had yelled moments before, and I celebrated those moments with either a fist pump in the air (yes, I did that!) or posting on Facebook. Everyone needs visual positive reinforcement too; my countdown clock on my blog does that for me. Other ideas for you: Make an orange heart on a calendar for every day you don’t yell, put an orange m&m in a jar for every moment you don’t yell, place an orange post it note on the wall near where you didn’t yell. Get creative but praise yourself!

Step 11: Stop Yelling, Start Thinking, Continue Calmly. And yes, despite all of the above, there are still moments where I feel a yell brewing. And then I turn to this mantra. STOP the Yell. (close my mouth, clench my hands, count to 10). START thinking (what’s the trigger, what calms me down, how can I proceed) and continue CALMLY.

Step 12: Remember that know that you are not alone, that I believe in you and that I am here to help you!

* It was HARD to learn to not yell and HARD to summarize all I did in a short blog post. If you want more information, comment and I will add it in future blog posts or point you in the right direction! Or read these posts mentioned above:

For goal setting: Forget 365 Days
For tracking triggers, a very useful step: Tracking My Triggers
For alternatives to yelling: 100 Alternatives

 

 

200 thoughts on “12 Steps to Stop Yelling at your Kids

  1. Thank you. Just thank you. Thank you for your honesty, your blog and sharing your journey. I only recently discovered your blog, maybe a month ago, but have come back several times in the last week especially {lots of hits from Japan? Yeah, that is me!}

    I have two toddler boys- N just turned 3 last week and S turns 2 next weekend. I am not at all like the mother I imagined I would be. I was for the first year….when it was just N but as he hit toddlerdom and I gave birth to S two months premature in a foreign country I think things just started to get out of control. I did seek help and got treatment for post partem depression and went back on a higher dose of medication but English counselling is hard for me to come across here and mental health care in general in this country is a bit of a joke.

    Not only am I yeller but sometimes I hear myself saying hurtful things and I am rough with the boys. I don`t hit but I will grab them and then let go because I can`t believe my hands are doing that. I see my oldest copying my mannerisms with his younger brother and it makes me want to cry. In fact I have cried. I have shed many tears over the way I parent, the way I react, the way I am as a mama.

    I don`t want to be this kind of mama. I want to be the best I can be for my children. As I have tears streaming down my face as I write this I wonder if I have the strength to change but most of all I have hope…hope that I will and can change.

    My focus for 2013 will be my parenting. Being a mama is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be….to the point where I struggle to see the “joy” some days. I want to find the joy again, I want to stop yelling and be a better role model for my kids. So thank you, thank you for writing, thank you for having this space for others to write and thank you for being an inspiration to so many other mama`s.

    Goal for tomorrow: Be gentle and don`t yell directly at the kids. Track my triggers.

    Goal for the next day? Not sure yet but will see how I go tomorrow.

    • Wow, I have tears reading this too! I applaud you for YOUR honesty. It is hard to be so honest about such tough stuff. Gosh, I applaud you for so much. For saying it’s hard, for getting help, for wanting to change, for believing you can. I too have a lot of hope that you can change. You hit the place I did – the scary wake up where you knew you wanted desperately to change. It is the biggest motivator and the biggest first step. You CAN do this. I am right here ready to help you say good-bye to yelling. Take baby steps, applaud every successful moment and those moments will slowly grow. Thank you for reading; it keeps me going, it helps me be a better mama. Good luck! I know you are sleeping now (I think Japan is sleeping now!) but when you wake, let me know how you are doing! Fingers crossed for you – You can do this!

      • First day = success.

        I did not yell, I was gentle and I started to think about my triggers.

        I do know that what helped make today a success was having help with the kids- new years break in Japan is long and so my husband is off work til the 7th of January. He took boys to the park for a little this morning and I could get dressed, hang out the washing and enjoy a coffee. Boys took long naps and I got some other things done.

        So, for me, rushing is a trigger, no naps/short naps, lack of sleep {for me} and no down time.

        I tried to let go of the small things. I spoke kindly. I tried to redirect the kids when needed. Even when they threw tantrums I kept calm. I could speak to my mum for 20 minutes on skype without much interruption because my husband was around to help with the boys. Usually they destroy things or almost kill each other if I try to skype or talk on the phone to my mum {usually one week day a week and then once on the weekend}…It was nice.

        I will keep in touch.

        Tomorrow`s goal is the same as today`s.

        • WOO HOOOO! Totally yelling there! I share many of the same triggers. The good news? The first three of your triggers are manageable, isn, as in they kind of have solutions or can be prepared for. It took me until the 3rd kid, LOL, to realize that a short nap wasn’t the end of the world. I used to get so angry and upset and I would spend all day miserable, as would my child. Yes, we both needed the longer nap but agonozing over it made it worse. When I relaxed about it, life got a little “easier.” But yes it still gets me. My 17 month old has been fighting naps and it has me on the yelling edge. I share your struggle :) It sounds like you had a great day and I am really happy for you! I hope today was/is just as good and if not, I hope that you remember how good today was and that you can do it! Good luck!

          • Goodness! I just found your site about 2hrs ago. I’m reading your posts and thinking it’s like I wrote them myself. Then I read these comments and say, goodness gracious this is ME! The nap thing is huge. A big trigger for my. My little one will be 2 in July and she can be tricky with sleep. Anyway, I have subscribed to this blog and am definitely starting my journey to No More Yelling! It’s hard for me when I’m in those moments because this little ball of rage burns in my chest and I feel like the only release is to make lots of noise! Either with yelling or slamming things or punching the counter. It’s terrible. It’s exhausting. The guilt is completely consuming afterward. So, here I am. Thanks for this site and all of the honest words I am reading from you, Orange Rhino, and others who visit and tell their stories…. Here I go. I can do this!!

    • i am in america and my two boys are 18 mo apart but i feel exactly the same way. i just found this blog and i am starting NOW because i need to be a better mother, example, wife. i don’t know how it’s going to go, and i feel so very alone and ashamed, but i know things have got to change and i am the only one who can change them.

    • I cried the entire time I read this. It’s like someone has put my life in print. I have two beautiful daughters that I never thought I would have, and yet, everyday I yell at them. I hate myself most days of the week because of how the day went. I never thought I would be this type of mother, and yet, here I am. I have tried to stop, over and over, but it never lasts. Reading this has given me hope that I can and WILL stop yelling. My four year old immediately starts to cry if there is any type of accident (spills, breaks, hurting her little sister) and I only recently realized that it is because she is afraid of my reaction. Reading these articles have helped me see that it is stress that triggers my yelling, stress that has nothing to do with my children. And I have to change. Starting now.

    • I am trying to do the same thing so glad I found this make me feel better know there is other people that make the same mistakes I do. this was really helpful and I feel like things are going tocchange now… thank u so much

    • I can’t I am reading a story that could be my story too. I have cried reading you comments and I am watching myself in a mirror.
      I am a single mom, and it has been very difficult. It is overwhelming. I had severe depression, but kept it for myself, and now I see the consequence. I yell a lot, after my second son was born, because my older son wants to harm his little one all day and night. I do not yell at all if I am alone with one or the other, but once they are together, it is like the bomb.
      I want to take this challenge and I hope it works, because these are my miracle babies, I was not supposed to be able to have babies. And now that I have them, I want to be the best they can get.

  2. I had an oopsie snap today but I didn`t outright yell/scream although I wanted to. I took a deep breath. I walked away for a second. Then I went back to deal with the issue at hand.

    I started Jan 1st although had an oopsie snap that day too {and wrote the first comment above} and am now at the end of day 5. I think on days 2, 3 & 4 my voice didn`t go over a 2.

    Tomorrow my youngest turns 2. I can`t yell on his birthday, that is for sure.

    Thanks for listening.

    • Day 6. Lost it. Apoligized after and technically I did not YELL but I was horrible to my oldest just before nap.

      Starting again after nap :(

      • Let’s focus on what you did do. 6 DAYS!!! 6DAYS! That is awesome! And I love that you are starting over after nap, not tomorrow, not in a week, but immediately. That is dedication and what it takes. You can do this! Celebrate the 6 days. Every moment is a win. Good for you for apologizing. Now forvige yourself!

  3. This is such a great goal. My daughter is only 15 months but I’ve yelled at her a few times, mostly yelling in general, not directly at her, but I hate it. I need more control. I don’t want to be that mom.

    • Welcome to motherhood :) and The Orange Rhino Community. My 17 month old has challenged me, not because of him, but it is exhausting being a mom sometimes. I think it is great that you recognize that you want more control this early on. You are way ahead of the game! That is one lucky little girl! Good luck!

  4. I wish I had found this sooner. I am ready to change. I want to be the mom I was when I brought the first of my three boys home. Thanks for this.

  5. Hello. I just stumbled upon your blog am now almost in tears. I’ve learned over the past several months that I am a yeller. I am that mom I see in stores, etc, that makes me think to myself, “do not do that/be that kind of mom/person.” I’ve felt since the beginning of my yelling that I need and want to stop. I don’t want my children to imitate and learn my own bad behaviors. Thank you for having his blog. Sincerely. Thank you.

    I am a stay at home mom of 19 month old b/g twins. My husband and I spent 4 years trying to get pregnant after suffering one heartbreaking miscarriage and eventually went through IVF. Born in June 2011, we FINALLY have our two beautiful babies. Today, when I yell at them and then think about all the time I spent wanting them, it makes me so angry with myself. Now when C&M get frustrated, they yell, and they have started hitting. Though I absolutely do NOT hit them, I do find myself grabbing them more firmly that I should and plopping them onto the floor harder than I should. I recognize as I do this that I am acting out of infuriating frustration and this makes me feel like a HORRIBLE mommy! Horrible!…

    I never yelled or had much reason to before the twins started walking and climbing. The big triggers… jumping on the couch or chairs. It scares me to death and prompts lots of yelling and arm waving from me. Standing on the coffee or dining table is another. And stuff like biting the vacuum cleaner cord while I’m vacuuming. These are the big ones because they are dangerous, I KNOW they understand me when I ask them to “please get down and put your feet on the floor” or “C – do NOT put that in your mouth! It can hurt you!”. They just choose not to do what I say because they are having too much fun. They think it’s all hilarious! So, yes, I lose it when my twin toddlers don’t listen and follow directions. It sounds absurd to even type out as my expectation of them. THEY are the children!!!

    I realize your 30 days of not yelling is already underway, but I need to do something now and am jumping in. Thank you so much. I know I can change and be the kind of mommy I’ve wanted to be.

  6. Something struck a chord. I don’t yell as a rule, but as frustration mounts, there’s a guy inside of me who believes amplitude increases the potential for understanding and will repeat the presumably missed message progressively louder until it’s yelling. What resonated with me was that I do indeed feel that very few people listen — which may be true — but the yelling doesn’t encourage them. I do believe we are taken for granted — that we are perceived as ‘always there’ by the people closest to us. Intellectually, I know this is human nature, but it evokes a broad array of emotional responses in me until I boil over. The conclusion to which I come is that if yelling worked, it would have by now and I wouldn’t be doing it anymore. I’m not sure what my next step is, but now I know there is one.

    • Wow. Very cool insight. You are right on – if it worked, we wouldn’t still be doing it. SO TRUE. SO true. And you are right that we think that by getting louder people will hear us better. But they won’t. Thank you for reading and commenting! You have me thinking….

  7. This is VERY cool. I WANT to learn not to yell, of course it is the first thing I do when I get frusterated. Do you have a printable version of this list that can be downloaded for me to look at? I REALLY want to do this. Thank you so much!

  8. I just found your blog. First thing to do- get orange post it’s! Not waiting til tomorrow- going now. I hate to yell and I feel like such a failure when I do. Thank you so much for this blog!

  9. a friend posted this blog and honestly it couldn’t have come at a better time. My husband left for deployment. I have two boys 2 1/2 and 10months. I lost my voice today b/c I have been non stop screaming, especially since hubby is not home(no one to see, but your kids do… that makes so much sense to me now). I had my last straw of yelling. Bath time was a battle and instead of being calm I ripped him out of the tub screaming, drying him off very rough and screaming at him. His eyes welling up with tears, shaking, and he grabbed my face with his tiny hands and said, “I’m sorry mommy, I’m sorry” and gave me a huge hug. I’m DONE screaming at him. He does not deserve it, he’s a child… MY child and he has NOTHING to be sorry for, I did. This blog has seriously saved me. It’s given me hope today. A day I lost my voice

    • Your child’s reaction reminds me of my son. It gives me tears and makes me think too. I am going to buy some orange post it too…

  10. I am starting now (well, tomorrow, the kids are fast asleep). Day 1. I just found this blog tonight through an article I was reading online. I have always known that I have temper, but now I am yelling at my 3 yr old daughter and having my 19 mth old daughter watch me. It doesn’t feel good, but I don’t stop. I don’t do anything physically; just yell. My 3 yr old keeps saying things like, “don’t be mean mother” and “I just wanted to be near you” if she is wanting to watch me make some food.

    This is the best sight I have found for me to go through the steps resolving my yelling. I have said many other nights to my husband that I want to stop. My next step is usually to bookmark a site that has some good tip, but I almost never go back to it. So, I joined the Orange Rhino FB community and this is my first public post. This kind of step will help me begin my journey.

    My first goal is 30 days. As a begin, I will print a calendar, review this site and the FB page more to dive into the journey more deeply, and tell my husband via a phone call or online chat each time I succeeded at not yelling.

    Thank you for your blog.

  11. I sooooo want to do this. I’ve been wanting to for a loooong time but it never seems to work. I have 3 boys, ages 9, 7, 7, and my daughter is 4. The boys fight and argue all. The. Time. They also drop what they’re doing and throw the stuff on the floor and walk away. This can be a banana peel, kleenex, cup, clothes or whatever they have . They make a DISASTER of the house and it rives me crazy and makes me cry sometimes that with working 40 hours a week, I can NEVER get caught up. We try to go to them, and tell them you need to pick this up, etc. They get to playing and forget. I remind them again, they “forget” again. Then I get mad and yell. Then, something might happen. It seems the only time they do listen is when we DO yell. I just don’t know HOW to make them listen so I don’t feel the NEED to yell. Any advice?? I’m still going to try to work on this. Again. Thanks sooo much for your post.

    • website and books by dr. Ray Guarendi are amazing. He has 10 adopted children all with special needs he has great sense of humor and faith!!!!

    • Have you had any luck getting them to listen BEFORE you start yelling? It seems the days I find the strength to not tell at my 9 year old son he doesn’t listen until I DO yell which makes me more frustrated because I actually tried and he wouldn’t listen! Just found this blog today and am thankful for it but with older kids it is different then younger and I am exactly where you are at. Any help would be appreciated!

  12. Just found this and wish I had sooner. I am a stay at home mom to a wonderful 2 1/2 yr old little girl. My yelling has gotten really bad. My triggers are many. I work from home, financial issues, etc. Mainly, it is from the pain of Sjogrens Syndrome, Arthralgia, and Fibromyalgia…all new diagnoses. Many doc appts and no family to help have made me crazy. I’m tired, the meds make me feel yucky, the symptoms make me feel like a crazy person. Life has gotten out of control.

    And so have I. I cry almost every night because of something I yelled at my kid. I have acknowledged that some of this is because I grew up having two parents who yelled. I know what it did to me and that I still deal with the things they say. I don’t want my kid to feel worthless, unloved, and unwanted. She is adopted as well as a different race than my husband and I so I have to be careful with making sure she feels loved, appreciated, and has self worth.

    Some days just a hug from her brings tears to my eyes because of the pain. I am too tired by the end of the day to take care of myself. I have prayed and prayed for a way to deal with the yelling despite all the things going on that are not her fault. Thank you again for posting this. You have no idea how lost on this issue I felt until I found it. Thank you.

    • I read your comment and I am wondering if you have a low sugar diet? Diet plays a huge part to your health and since I have cut out sugar and eating fresh food and taking magnesium, I wonder how I coped before.

  13. Sitting here crying like a baby. I can’t stop. I yell at my son way too much and I’ve spanked him too much too. I’m a single mother of only one 6-year-old boy, and I have no family here, and really not any true friends either. To make it worse, because he has allergies and I can’t fully vaccinate him, I have to homeschool. Also, I’m on disability due to my own health issues. I haven’t been taking care of myself at all, and I’m always exhausted and beyond stressed. It’s no excuse. Though, he seems to go out of his way to push my buttons sometimes (probably to get my attention), he is one of the sweetest little boys ever. In fact, after yelling at him like a crazy person a couple nights ago because it was 10:00 and he would NOT go to sleep, cutting into the only me-time I get, he woke up the next morning before me and wrote me a note on a tissue. It said “I am sore (sorry),” “U R my sweD Pi (sweetie-pie),” and “hape love da (happy love day).” I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve this child or any child. But, I know thinking horrible thoughts about myself like that, just makes me feel, and then act, worse. I joined this site, I hope I can do it…

  14. Thank you for this post! I too struggle with yelling at my children. I hadn’t yelled in a month and then last night I yelled around every corner. Thanks for these strategies because I hadn’t made the commitment to not yell and put in place measures to manage it. This made me laugh and cry and gave me renewed hope that I WILL do this too. Thank you again!

  15. Wow. Your posts on stopping the yelling madness have literally changed my life in the 15 minutes it took me to read them. I thought I was the only mom who screamed and yelled (and hated every second of it). Thank you for your honesty and transparency, and thank you for giving me hope. I’m sure my boys will thank you, too. xoxo.

  16. Just read this article on the 12. Very good. I also read the comments and feel bad for the kids but am glad to know I now have a place where I can go to for support and advice when needed. I am a father of 3 boys ages 9, 11, and 15. They are all vey active in sports and very good students at school. I yell at them more then I should and sometime say mean things to them that I regret later. I am always there for them and I love them with all my heart and I believe they know that, but that doesn’t excuse my behavior or take away the pain for them of the regret and ensuing depression when I act that way. I personally had a very rough life growing up and have made every effort to make sure that they don’t have to experience the same things. It would be sooooo great if I could apply these 12 steps and get past the hurdle in my relationship with my sone before its too late.

    • This is beautiful. I love having a dad on here. Thank you…I believe it is not too late. Someone close to me was raised by a yelling father. He was then lucky enough at age 13ish to get raised by a more loving father figure. He is okay today, better than okay. He is remarkable. You can do this!

      • Thank you for your supporting comments. I will continue to follow this and will begin implementing the 12 steps immediately. Like I said I love my boys and will do anything for them including changing a negative behavior.

  17. Thank you for sharing your steps to parenting without yelling. I am a proud working mom of two independent, determined, motivated, and intelligent teenagers (13 and 15) and a wife of an amazing husband who works two jobs. The thing we dread about our family…we yell at each other all the time. This is even more upsetting due to the fact we are all problem solvers outside of our home. I feel like the worst mom.

  18. Thank you soooo much for this!! I really needed to know I’m not alone on this parenting journey. I’m beginning this challenge right now. I have 3 little boy”s that don’t need to grow up in a yelling environment….

  19. I love these steps so much. And they don’t just apply to yelling. I know that your steps are detailed towards yelling, but the attitudes you talk about are fantastic for any kind of bad habit breaking. I’ve been trying (and failing) to cut out sugar for over a year now. But I’m going to try going at it with the same attitude you took towards yelling. This post is really encouraging and inspiring! Thanks!!

  20. All I have ever wanted to do was not yell at my kids like my mother yelled at us. And all I feel like I do these days is yell just like her. Thank you for this. From this day forward I challenge myself to the Orange Rhino Lifestyle. I know everyone will be much happier, including me.

    • omg! I to have a mom that yelled and now I sound just like her and I really hate myself for it. I have a 6yr old son, 32-mo old son and an 18 mo old daughter. They are my world! I love and adore them. BUT, when they aggravate me..I yell like there is no tomorrow. This is not the mother I want to be for them. My husband says I yell too much..and because I yell, he says he now yells..and not just at the kids…but me too. The environment that has been created is out of control. I am sooooo happy that I am not alone (as my husband makes me feel like I am the only mother who yells). I am so happy I have found the Orange Rhino and all of you. I really want to change and I know it is possible now. I sit here crying right now for so many different reasons. I am going to get started on my journey of making my home a loving and stress free environment where my children don’t cringe when they do something wrong. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!!

      • I feel exactly the same way! And it’s the same dynamic between my husband and I. I feel so terrible about myself because of my yelling. it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one…

  21. Thanks for your advice. My boys are 7 and 9 and I find myself yelling at them all too often. I’m a teacher, and I rarely even raise my voice at my fifth graders, yet I yell at my own kids all the time. I read “10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling” on Facebook today. # 2 really hit home. I’m starting tomorrow… thanks for the inpiration!

  22. I just found this because a family member posted it on FB. I want to say thank you so much for Sharon this journey. I am a stay at home mother of 3 and I am realizing that I’m yelling way to much. My 5 year old is beginning to yell at his 3 year old brother and 17 month old sister. My little girl has some health issues going on and it has been a frustrating battle. I quit my job so I could be with her, and of course my boys, that’s when the yelling got bad. I feel terrible that I yell at them, they are just babies. I know I don’t take care of myself the way I should, along with financial issues making it on my husbands income and my daughters continuous trips to the childrens hospital 3 hours away are a lot of stress but that is no excuse. I want to change. Now. They all need it and they all deserve it and I am so grateful I found your blog. Thank you!

  23. I thought I was the only one who was suffering so much, I wish I had found your blog two years ago…when I moved to a foreign country with my son. I want to control my anger and be in charge of my emotions…I am going to track my triggers starting tomorrow. I love my two kids and I am going to change for them. I want to be the mother they deserve. Thank you for shantung your experience.

  24. Just found your blog via a facebook post with someone seeking help on Evolutionary Parenting. Thankful to have some advice..and some realization that I too am not alone in this. It seems so many of us moms have young children close in age and find it hard to be the mother we envisioned ourselves to be. And throw the reality of today’s work schedules and life schedules in and I find myself not seeing the “joy” far more than I feel is acceptable. I may not start today..may not even be tomorrow..but at least I know I can start..and I can find support. Thankyou in advance:)

  25. Just found this site today through someone on fb. What a great idea. I too never wanted to yell at my two boys. I am going to start The Orange Rhino challenge.
    Also, I used to be really funny. My husband is hilarious! One of the reasons I fell in love with him over 20 years ago.
    I WANT TO LAUGH MORE AND YELL LESS!!!

  26. So happy to have found this blog! I feel like you all are inside my head…and I am so relieved I am not alone! I too have been on a journey to find more patience with my children especially since recognizing some anxiety in my 7yr old daughter that I believe is totally a result of my temper. So disappointed in myself. But this blog gives me hope and motivation! Thank you all for your honesty! Bookmarking this site immediately so I can return for motivation on tough days:)

  27. day 1 – found this blog last night and my eyes opened wide. I have a 4 year old son and a 9 year old daughter who is just like me. Everyday I send up a silent prayer of thanks to my own parents for allowing me to live and at the same time cursing them for cursing me with that old saying “I hope you have a child just like you!”. UGH! I don’t want to be “that mom” anymore. I see the years slipping away and I don’t want to have any regret where my kids are concerned. I’m only 3 hours in to my day, but so far…so good! Wish me luck!

  28. So glad to have found your blog via FB. I am a single parent to a 3 year old I was yelling at him on my birthday of all days and felt so awful especially as he was crying and asking me not to yell at him. I felt even worse when some time later he asked if I was no longer cross with him. I wanted to cry but instead apologised to him for yelling and asked his forgiveness which he gave immediately. He is an absolute darling with an indomitable spirit. I want to stop yelling before I destroy his positive spirit. So Thank you for sharing so honestly and for these great tips.

  29. Wow!! its like i was reading my own life (minus 2 children) The wicked vicious cycle you speak of is soooo true. The anger, the guilt. The anger at the guilt and the guilt at the anger at the guilt…. I am so ashamed. But alas I too can change! Yay yay!! thank you for such a wonderful inspiring blog ;)

  30. This is great and I really love it and aspire to stop the yelling myself. One question I have that doesn’t seem to have been asked: do you still implement time-outs? I think I can do it without yelling, but the ‘do it by the count if 3 or go to your room’ is a real motivator in this house. Punishment in general, I guess us my real question. – no yelling, but still finding a way of making sure they don’t color in your new wallpaper again?
    Thank you!

    • Hi Kristi,
      I have been Using time outs…. but not yelling at them b4 they get there is helping a lot! I use my firm voice but don’t raise it…. it seems to be working so far. Good luck. :-)

  31. Wow! Thank you! I feel so much better after reading this! To know that I am not alone. Other people shout as well(or used to!) I have tried so many times to stop yelling, I do very well some days, even weeks and then I just yell again. But not anymore!

  32. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am a yeller, and I come from a family of yellers, I have been trying to yell less, but after stumbling upon your post via pinterest I am truly inspired, relieved and grateful to know I am not alone in my quest to stop yelling at my 2 boys.
    I am going to start work on this first thing tomorrow by rereading all of your posts on this topic and make myself a game plan. Thank you!

  33. I am determined to try your challenge. … I was brought up in Spain and we are all laud and shout, it is the norm out there! However I married a lovely quiet English man, I always thought that I would not be the disciplinarian when we had kids….
    I was wrong of course! I have a 7 year old girl and a very hyper 4 year old boy. I am very strict, I shout a lot and I can be quite rough when grabbing them when angry! Don’t get me wrong I don’t hurt my kids I love them, but when im seriously wound up and they don’t listen I tend to grab the arms and sit them on the naughty step.
    I hate myself for it and I want to change! I always feel horrible and apologise, now we are getting to the point that my kids will shout back at me!
    I saw the challenge on fb this morning and I have not shouted today. I intend to keep on trying. :-)

  34. I am in tears reading this — feeling for the past 5 years I have been the only one who felt so isolated, so angry and frustrated. Thank you so much for showing me that I am not alone… my husband makes me feel so guilty when I yell, because not only does it hurt the kids, but it drives him absolutely batty & then we fight. I grew up in a house hold where yelling took place, stern words and a heavy hand ruled the roost. I step back and realize that I’m becoming a mother I don’t want to be – mean, resentful & angry all the time. I should be enjoying my children, not caring how many toys are out, now messy they’ve made the house, and is it too much to ask to have a morning without crying?! I am turning a new leaf tomorrow. I need 14 days of yell-free mornings. That’s a much as I can commit to, because even 14 days seems like a giant right now.

    • Tabitha, I HEAR YOU!!! Mornings are my biggest trigger, and my marraige is effected by my yelling. I too grew up in a home of yellers, harsh words, and heavy hands. It is shameful but so hard to do anything else when its all you know. Our children deserve more but aren’t they fortunate to have mama’s that care and know enough to try to change for them. We can break the cycle!!! I too will try 14 days of no yelling, I hope you have been and continue to be successful…best of luck to you sista! :)

  35. So glad I came accross this blog and so wish I had come accros it sooner. I had my first boy when I was 18 and had three kids by 21. I have always told myself that I would have more patience with my kids if I had waited to have them, but the fact that I didn’t wait is not their fault and they should not have to suffer. I want to stop yelling today. I yell at my 4 year old daughter every Saturday to clean her room and it doesn’t work. She sits in there all day and the room finally gets clean after the boys are tired of hearing me yell and go clean it for her. I threaten punishment after punishment, no video games, grounded, etc.., but I hardly ever follow through. I feel out of control when I yell and I hate it. I hear my sweet oldest boy yelling at his brother and sister to hurry up so I won’t get mad. I am creating a monster and I want it to stop. My biggest trigger is running late. We are always running late. I work full time and they all have after school activities. Along with no yelling I am also going to work on getting organized and waking up earlier. I need this just as much as my kids do.

  36. Thank you so much for this. I’m incredibly inspired. I’m a yeller and hate every second of it. I didn’t became a yeller until after boy #2. Shortly, after his birth, boy #1 hit the wonderful age of “toddlers” and my brother became very sick. I think the pressure was too much for me. I live several hours away and couldn’t be there to help my family. I felt so guilty. I had not even realized I had become a yeller until my mom told me my grandma mentioned it to her how I yelled at boy #1 for sticking his tongue out at her. And boy, let me tell you that was the biggest slap in the face! I come from a long line of “yellers” on my mom’s side. I started seeing it then and have tried so many time to stop. People say to me all the time you’re the best mom and I cry on the inside because I know it’s not true. I love my boys to bits but sometimes I want to pull out my hair! Every time I feel like I’m making progress something pops up with my brother and it stresses me out! My mom calls me to vent and then it just gets me upset and I don’t want that. I have notice boy #1 yelling! Yelling at his brother, me, his papa, kids at the park, and a few weeks ago I saw him yell at his friend. I know I’m to blame and I’m 100% ready to change! Starting tomorrow morning Orange Rhino all the way! Thank you! I’m ready for change!

  37. I’m so glad I stumbled across your blog on Pinterest last night.
    I’m SOOO going to use your steps to stop yelling at my kids. My 4yr old little girl is extremely strong willed (she gets that from me) and it feels like we’ve been fighting about EVERYTHING for the last week. Yesterday my husband asked why I lost it so completely with her and actually screamed at her – my reply was that I screamed at her because if I’d touch her I feel like I’d probably kill her because I’m frustrated and completely at witts end. Worst of all is, I hate myself so much when I see the tears in her eyes.
    I’m so relieved to see that there are moms out there who has mastered the not yelling thing – I so badly want to stop yelling at my girls.
    Reading about triggers has already been such a wake-up call – I’m under a lot of stress running my business & working rediculous hours, so I’m always tired. I’m definitely going to start by looking after myself better so I don’t snap at the kids for no good reason.
    Thanks for sharing. I hope to be back here calmer and more in control of my reactions. For my kids’ sake, as well as my own.

  38. Literally TODAY, I was thinking that I’m so tired of yelling. It’s not doing my girlfriend any good (she just turned 3) and I feel terrible doing it. I’m with her all day and at the end of the day I feel like I can’t be around her. What is this saying to my sweet girl who literally just wants to be with me all the time?! It always comes out on the boyfriend too (almost 6) as soon as he gets home bc I’m cranky with the girl. I feel like a TERRIBLE mother. It’s making me cry just writing this. Thank you so much for this super encouraging post. Can’t wait to start my challenge!

  39. Hi.

    It is very hard to be honest about this as I only ever speak to my husband abut these things. I am ashamed for my behaviour and feel horrible inside.
    I have 3 daughters. A 3 year old and 5 month old twins. I have so much love for them and and am entirely devoted to their happiness and well-being. but I am so quick to get angry with them. Especially my 3 year old. Before the twins were born I was calmer but still lashed out and hit my daughter at times. I know it’s awful and I feel so low about myself. My mother was a real yeller and occasional hitter and not the most loving of mothers and I always swore I wouldn’t be like her. She hurt me so much emotionally I just knew I had to and would be better. The best. But I am not. I truly hate myself sometimes. I know I give my entire self to my children. I live for them. They are loved tremendously. But I am so afraid they will end up feeling to me how I feel to my mother. I want to be their safe place. I certainly started out that way. And I try so so hard to control myself. It is a huge struggle!! And no matter how hard I try I always end up feeling like a failure. My husband says I’m too hard on myself. But how can I not be when I know my behaviour is not okay and my beautiful, special. innocent girls deserve a calm, gentle mama? Every morning I wake up and commit to change. And every night I go to bed so sad inside

    I hope this is a safe space and I’ve come to the right place.

      • Thank you. Honestly, after I wrote that up and clicked the post comment button, I started to feel a lot better. I am very wary of setting a goal of an amount of time for myself as I just know I’ll feel like a failure if I don’t make it. But the last few days I really have been shouting less at my daughter. I think I need other go to places for dealing with her when she is pushing my buttons. I can take a deep breath and not yell but what do i do then? Especially when she is whiny or deliberately not listening to a request of mine, I am lacking the tools I need to have a good, calm response which will help me get the response I need from her.

    • As I read your posting I felt like I was reading my own life. An almost word for word I had to read it twice. I go thru the same issues. And the more I try not to be my mother I feel I am like her the screaming and occasional hit. So you are not alone. I have a 3 yr old and 11 month old twins, I am a single parent, and my children are my life. My 3 yr old informed me that I am mad all the time. My heart just broke…I do not want her to be scared of me and she is.

  40. I just found this blog today but I have known about my problem with yelling for a while and have been trying to work at it. This blog has given me the “fist pump” i needed to keep going and some great ideas and encouragement. I suffer from anxiety. Which makes it difficult. My biggest fear in starting the orange rhino challenge is how hard it will be without the support of my spouse… he believes he has the right to yell at the kids and thinks this is rediculous. I am constantly the shield for my kids which brings me to yelling at him. Then i end up yelling at the kids bc he is stressed and taking it out on me or bc i am not sure how he will react to something so i am trying to prevent them from getting in trouble which makes me just as bad as him i guess. I really want to do this for them and for me. I dont like yelling. But i am terrified he will unravel me or will undo the good this change will create with his behavior.

  41. I am so glad I found this. My daughter just informed me last night that I am always mad. I have already been trying to identify what makes me yell at her the most. I am a single mom of a three year old and two 11 month olds. I do realize that I yell a lot and I want to stop. So thank you for sharing.

  42. it’s good to find your post. i grew up with a mother who shouted a lot, all the time, every day and took her anxiety and stress out on me and my sister. i knew it was going to happen even before my mother did and it was horrible. like a dread in my heart every time she started off. every time a day out was ruined or every time she yelled at dad or they argued when i had friends over or every time she just told me how useless i was because she was feeling bad. it hurt.
    but now, as an adult i found myself doing it too. to my husband first..until seeing how hurt he was, i remembered my own pain as a child and i cried and saw the triggers. i realised it was anxiety underneath it all.. triggered by me not feeling good enough, fat or whatever. i realised only then, that my mum was not the confident woman she portrayed..but rather a very very anxious woman inside..well hidden..even from herself. i felt it, the switch is so quick that the original trigger is hard to even register..the anger jumps in so quickly to disguise the bad feelings from myself.
    then i had a daughter. the most beautiful, wonderful, longed for angel. 2 now. and i find myself shouting, not at her but around her .. and yes at her, let\s be honest..stop, no don’t do that..why..etc when she’s just being an imaginative little creative explorer..
    and i don’t want to do it.
    yes i’m an older mum..and i have feelings about the passing of time, missed opportunities, getting old, body image.etc etc..fleeting thoughts..because i know it’s not important and i know that it’s self obsession..but the feeling and thought flicker across like a black and white film frame and then woosh i’m yelling about something..anything, it just happens…the inner child needs parenting etc so, recognise..clock it. i ‘ve got quite good at not yelling..but it’s the next stage when i start colding my husband. saying coldly detaching things as if i don’t care and trying to ruin things..the destructive insidious anger..which is actually self dislike..complex
    but it’s so good to read other people’s feelings and to talk about the triggers..because your thoughts ring so true ..and in small steps of recognising and forgiving ,self loving and healing.. the still small voice within..underneath all the critical conditioning..gently, in the peaceful chamber where me is.. i listen to her silent voice..and hope to remember the way

  43. I am a mother of a 3 yr old son & a 1 1/2 yr old daughter & I work a full time job. I am sitting at work crying because I know I am a yeller. I am not at all the mother I want to be. My kids are my world & I would do anything for them. My husband & I got married when we were really young. We had several miscarriages & fertility problems trying to conceive. When I found out I was pregnant I was the happiest I have ever been. He was the perfect baby. He never cried & always listened to me. I became pregnant with my daughter when he was 19 mo and all that changed. He became a whiner & cried about everything. When she was born he became rebellious, which I understand is common behavior for a once “only child”. Over the past year I have started yelling. I hate it because it makes them cry & makes me cry. Of course its over stupid things. I have NEVER hit my children & NEVER will because I know the kind of scars that can leave because I myself was abused as a child. I sometimes feel if I yell its my way of releasing anger but I do know that is also abusive. Sometimes verbal abuse can be as bad or worse than physical abuse. I have tried to stop & have been successful on several occasions. My children are not bad kids their just kids. They make mistakes just as we as adults do & have to learn from them as well. I cried myself to sleep the other night praying for those families that will never again see their child because of the tornado in OK & thanking God for the 2 most precious gifts I have ever been given. Thank you so much for your blog. It has truly been inspirational & EXTREMELY helpful. I am definitely taking your insightful advice & plan on setting my own goals. Again, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

  44. Ah, you’ve hit the nail on the head with #4. I don’t have four people to call or text. I don’t even have one person to call or text. This is so key to why I yell, I realize.

    I know, you’ll say (as everyone says), there must be SOMEONE. Actually, no. There isn’t.

    • Welcome here, to this community. I can not imagine how it feels to have no one to call. So please know this. The Orange Rhino Community is here for YOU. Post on facebook when you need to yell. Ask questions. Email ME. I don’t reply fast at all right now but I am working on it. Vent away – all feelings are safe with us. No judgement, just support!

  45. Hi, my name is Carla and I am a yeller (for now)… I came across your blog through a post someone put on facebook. I cried and cried and cried…. I still get teary eyed as I think about it but I decided to take the challenge and do something about my yelling. I have come down a lot from my yelling ever since we started attending this church and learned about the power of confessing God’s Word. I have Proverbs 31:26 written on something on my fridge, bathroom mirror and bedroom wall and everytime I felt the urge to yell I would say it out loud over and over until the urge went away. It helped until I stopped doing it. =/ My husband and I have 5 children together, 4 of which live with us and are starting to exhibit my nasty attitude. I believe this blog is a godsend and is going to help me nip this in the butt for every. Thank you for your transparency about your struggles. I am proud to say that today is my day 1!

    • Thank you for posting this verse!! I plan to borrow your idea of putting it in random places to remind myself to be calm!!

  46. This is great stuff to read. I love the honesty and openness in this community and I’m learning so much by reading the stories of other amazing parents.

    I would like to offer an insight that may help those struggling with this issue.

    My wife used to be quite irritable throughout the day, and had quite a short fuse with the kids. I never could figure out why she was always so short-tempered, even with me sometimes.

    And then one day she changed drastically…

    You see, I had been trying to get her to stop eating sugar because I had stopped eating it years before and knew of the health benefits, both physically and mentally. For some reason though, it seemed impossible for her to give it up. (The sure sign of an addiction.)

    The day she quit eating sugar, cutting all processed sugar from her diet, she became a different person. Not only did I notice, but she told me that she FELT like a different person. She didn’t feel depressed anymore. It was easy for her to get out of bed in the morning. She wasn’t irritable with me or the children. She wasn’t hungry all the time. She had more energy throughout the day.

    Complete and instantaneous change, just from eliminating sugar!

    And of course, all of these things had a positive affect on the way she spoke to and handled the kids. She had discovered that sugar had been causing all of the feelings and behaviors she felt she couldn’t control.

    So when I found this site, she insisted that I write about her experience so that others might be able to learn something from it.

    I hope this will help someone else, even if it’s only one person. We now, truly believe that sugar is a very powerful drug. And just like any other drug, you’re a different person when you’re “on it”.

    So, as a parent, doing THE most important job in the world, don’t you think it would be a good idea to at least TRY to give up the addiction.

    And by the way, your kids could do without it as well. ;-)

  47. WOW… This really hits home for me. I know that I am a yeller which had turned my kids into yellers. I know my lack of sleep due to my job are part of it. I am constantly warn down and when my son throws a fit every night and gets up constantly, I yell. My daughter is will be 4 in a month. It is so hard with her because she just doesnt listen. she talks back like a teenager and doesnt grasp when we tell her not to do stuff. I admit I yell more with my daughter. I have seen the fear in her eyes when I blow my lid. I see that fear and it rips my heart in two. I dont want to be like this. My mom was this way and it is something I did not want to do. I dont want to see that fear in her eyes ever again. I feel like an aweful mother and wonder what God was thinking some time when he chose me because obviously my kids deserve better. I am going to start a 30 day no yell tomorrow. This will co-inside with my sons make it to bed every night without fighting for 30 days and my daughters dont touch whats not yours for 30 days. If I think I can change my kids behavior then I can change mine. Thank you for your honesty. I sometimes feel like I am the only one.

  48. I know this is an old post, but this is exactly what I needed to read today. I have been feeling so depressed lately and just so…..unworthy. And it all stems to how I treat my children – like they are nothing more than annoyances. They think I’m the best thing in the world, but I yell constantly and forget that they are precious gifts from God. Today, that changes and it starts with this post.

    THANK YOU!

  49. A friend introduced me to your website and I am ready for the challenge. I NEED the challenge. I find myself yelling more and more at my kids and I don’t lke it. My 5 year old has been very challenging recently and I have not been handling it the right way. My mom just told me yesterday that during a conversation with my son he said “Mommy and Daddy are mean to me and Q (my 20 month old)”. When my mom told me this I had a completely different reaction than i expected. I didn’t get defensive or sad or angry, instead I started to think of all the reasons why he said that and how I was going to make it right. So finding out about your website today is just what i needed to get me to a better place. Today is my DAY 1! I am so excited to get off of work, go pick up my kids, give them both HUGE hugs, tell them how much I love them and tell my oldest about Mommy’s new project. I am going to do this. I am going to yell less and love more! I want to be a better, more loving Mom to my kids, the 2 people in this world that I love more than anything!!

    TODAY IS MY DAY 1!!!

  50. Hello, First of all, thank you so much forr this blogg- I stared being a yeller arround ttwo years ago and since my oldest one has startted going tto school it has gotten so bad you can hearr me down tthe street:( I have tried nott yelling- and gone back tto it worse than beforre – almost seems like an addiction now :( Btw I have two boys 5.5 and 2.5- very typical boys- fighting most of the times and that too physically- it starts off as fun and then ends up as a fight and thats like many times in a day- I dont have family and friends where I live- husband gone the whole day- I know my triggers are not having enouggh time to sleep or relax(they dont even let me talk on the phone and keep pulling at the cords). I have been very damaging to my kids- I was crying while reading some of the posts now because they are an all too familiar situation. One of my biggest triggers is that my oldest does not want to goto school does not want to study at all- All he wants is to sit in front of the computer watching cartoons or playing games- No outdoor activity( it isn’t possible specially nowadays because the temperatures here are very high 47 c – I dont know what that would be in farehfeit but its very very hot). I keep telling him how bad this is for his eyesight and his mental growth but he is a child afterall. I am starting now (God Willing) Its 6 in the morning and a saturday so i have to start now- For a week initially lets see how it goes. Thank you again, May God Bless you. You know what I found amazing though- I am a Pakistani, a practsing Muslim, yet the nature and problems of parenting around the world are so similar – teaches me respect and tolerance and connection :) Will keep you posted

  51. Well I not only yell at my youngest (16 months) I also yell at my husband. I feel so freaking tired all the time (my son still wakes in the night) but I am keen to set a new goal. I am sure I will feel better about myself by gaining self control I just hate committing to something and not following through. I guess tomorrow is a new day. I not only don’t want to yell but I don’t want nasty comments to come out of my mouth. I also struggle with being “rough”. I have never hit the kids but I did put my son down roughly tonight after he bit me. Any advice on this?

  52. In less than 2 weeks, I will be moving across the country for the 5th time in 7 years…this time, I will be moving 2 weeks ahead of my husband, with my (almost) 4 and 6 year old boys and our two dogs by myself. 21 hours in the car…unpacking household goods…no childcare options…. I am already a yeller. I know that. I hate it about myself. I want it to stop. But here I am….going into what I know is a very stressful next several months…and I KNOW it’s going to be difficult not to yell….but here’s one of the things I LOVE about frequent moves..each one feels like a new, fresh start. What better time to commit to NO MORE YELLING!! Yes, – I’m yelling that – but it’s an excited yell, full of hope and anticipation for feeling better about myself, having a better relationship with my sons, and less looks of “are you crazy” from my husband.

    I am so thankful that I happened to come across your blog this morning. Today is a day I usually hate – we have nothing planned – usually that means my boys fight all day. My goal for today is to start working on one of my triggers. I need to help my boys find better ways of dealing with one another so that I don’t resort to screaming at them and sending them to their rooms till they can “learn to get along.” THAT hasn’t been working. My yelling at their yelling is just ridiculous. It needs to stop…..today’s the start of my journey….my goal: A Yell-Free move / summer. :-)

    Off to find something orange to wear! :-)

  53. I just saw this challenege because a friend on Facebook said she was starting it. I was intrigued so I came here. I plan to start today!! I am a horrible yeller. Everytime I do it I feel so guilty afterwards. It makes me feel terrible when I yell, my kids cry and go to their rooms to get away and then when that guilt is killing me I go apologize, only to hear, “it is not ok!”. My children are young 5, 4, and 1. I dont want to be this Mom forever. I want them to grow up in a calm home, where they never feel like their mom doesnt love them. My husband is not a yeller, if he yells its either because hes yelling for them to come eat or something like that, or because they have run out in the street or wandered off in the mall and its genuine concern for their safety. I want to be that way. I hate feeling this way. I can be a better Mom and I know if I change they will too! I dont want to be raising future yellers, and have my (someday far far from now) grandkids go through the same thing!! I pray this is what I need and I can be successful in showing my kids that Mom has a nice side too!

  54. I’m brokenhearted over my bad habit of yelling. How do I keep doing something I hate so much day after day? Even after seeing my childrens spirits deflate right before my eyes and having ridiculous moments like yelling at them for yelling at each other (slapping forehead now), I was still under the impression that change was impossible!! No more! After reading this blog I’m starting to believe I can do better. I want so badly to be a good mom. I’ve always wanted to first one my kids would run to when they have a problem – even if they’ve done something wrong. But why would they if they KNOW mom will just be mad and yell and make them feel stupid. Today will be day 1 for me. My goal is to make it all summer. It will be hard, but I know I must try. I’m going to get off the computer and tell my kids right now.

  55. Hoping I can share my 1-step (over-night) solution to yelling. Something to keep in mind is when we yell, it’s not because of what someone else is doing. When we yell, it is because of who we are.

    I did it in 1-step when my kids were younger. It was something I struggled with. I didn’t do it everyday or every week, my daughter says she doesn’t remember me yelling, but I was still doing it some, and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t seem to stop. I would pray at bedtime, and wake up praying, and really try. Then, one day I was reading Steven Covey’s book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He said something to the effect of yelling is irresponsible and disrespectful. That struck me at the core. I felt disgusted. I was cured!! I never struggled with it again. It was never a temptation. There was never a slip of the tongue. I was changed. Somewhere in my brain on some level I had the belief that it was ok to do that. I would have never yelled at my husband, but I yelled at my kids. Since then I have loved studying core beliefs. Everything we do or don’t want to do there is some belief we have. That is why the gospel is so powerful with changing us. It’s not all about self-control. I love Miguel Ruiz’s Agreement series books (although I don’t agree with all of it). I used to be tormented with feelings of low self-esteem. Not any more.

    2Pe 1:4 whereby he hath granted unto us his precious and exceeding great promises; that through these ye may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in that world by lust.

    Thanks.

  56. Oh my ! I am reading my thoughts in all of yours ! I think I wake every morning I lie there saying to myself I not going to yell today. Then it eventually happens I have 3 boys aged 6, nearly 4, 19mths. And geez some days I feel terrible! ! It needs to change and stop now ! My boys are yelling at me !! And now wonder where did they learn that from !!!!! Enough!!! I want them to learn how to manage anger and not be so fierce sometimes and grow into loving young men that can have compassion and patience and not use anger when it does not go there way. If I keep going the way I am they wont learn this quality of empathy that we should be teaching them to learn from mistakes and accept consequences of their actions and talk about it nicely without yelling at each other and actually listen and learn. Can’t wait til boys are up in morning so I can tell them of my new plan and hopefully our household becomes a happy nice talking one

  57. I’m not sure that there is a unique way to say, WOW, and thanks! I have needed this for a long time. It’s amazing how alone we feel sometimes, like alone with the idea that I am the worse mother ever for yelling, only to find out I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. And not the only one with explosive reactions. I especially struggled with this, knowing that my mother did not behave this way as much as I have, and how it is NOT me, and NOT the me I imagined to be as a mother. And I have acknowledged and broken down to my kids before, how awful I feel for yelling, and I KNOW it’s a bad habit, but man, once you are in the midst of the explosion, it is hard to break out. I often feel sick to my stomach, feeling like I have damaged my kids. As this has gone on for years. Is it too late for them? Have I messed them up? They are 11, 9 and 3. I often pray for help to not be this yeller. Who is this person? I am so relieved to have found your story, your journey. And I am starting the 365 day challenge today. It is so refreshing to find others, who have similar struggles, and moreover, tools and advice to help overcome. I truly hope I can break this. And thank you, again, for sharing and for helping so many others like me.

  58. Wow. I mean, wow. I’m speechless, because I so often feel like I am the WORST mom on the planet, and the only one who ever yells at her kids.

    I have been intentionally trying to not yell the past few months. It definitely gets easier the more you practice, but thank you so much for this blog, because it’s always good to have a reminder or tips or even just a community of others who know what you are going through!

    I recently had a second child, and it really hit home, hard, when my daughter would start yelling at her baby brother. I realized she was doing it because I did it to her. Since I’ve taken a different approach, her behavior toward her brother has been completely changing. She is gentle, sweet, kind.

    Thank you again for your honesty.

  59. Is it all too late for me? I hope not. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 (tomorrow). I yell too much. Too often. Too loud. I don’t like me and I don’t like the mum I’m being. I don’t want them to remember their childhood with a mum that screamed and yelled all the time. They are asleep now. Please tell me it’s not too late, especially for my 9yo girl. When they wake up I’m going to keep telling myself, “don’t do it”, “don’t yell”. Give me strength.

    • Oh no, no it is not too late. I have shed many many tears thinking of the damage I have caused. Issues my children will take into adulthood and probably take into their families. I am not the mother I wanted to be. But I know that no matter how old your children are, it is not too late. In fact it can be one of the biggest things they might remember about you. The time when you changed, and life was different….

  60. dear mothers posting on this blog,

    I am very touched by all the honesty on this blog and your hard work to be better mothers. I am shocked by all the stories of how we treat our children. Your stories could be mine, I have a 3-year old son and I am impatient often. For me these stories speak of how difficult it is to be a mother, how taxing the day to day care and patience and attention. When I shamefully confessed to a very wise woman how I had yelled at my son when he was a very small baby she said: “So you are human. So you lost control. Do not beat yourself up about it. It is not all bad for your son to be yelled at by you. As a human, he will have to learn what anger is, and maybe he’d better learn it from you than in the angry world outside”. This helped e a lot. Not that I think it is OK to yell at my son, but I can look at myself with compassion.

  61. I am sending this blog to my sister too! We grew up with parents that both yelled and we are now doing it to our daughters. It is a horrible feeling and we both want to stop.

    My husband recently left my four year old daughter and I. I have been filled with anger and resentment towards him for many years prior to his leaving and I did-and still do a lot of yelling out frustration, disappointment, anger, and hurt. I was depending on him to be there during my last semester of undergraduate school when I was working part-time, doing an internship, going to school, writing a huge final paper, caring for my elderly father, and basically maintaining a household by myself-all I needed was for him to take care of our daughter-then he left.

    I am trying not to be a yeller; but it is hard. I try not to speak ill of him when my daughter asks about him. The whining, bossiness, and impatience from my daughter is exhausting. I barely get myself in the car before she is telling me what song she wants to listen to on the iPod and it drives me crazy. She continues on when I am driving as well. I am suddenly single parenting (obviously not something that I wanted) and then going to grad school in a month-it is going to be hard, especially since my daughter doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t go to bed in a timely fashion, and doesn’t want to let me out of her sight because she is afraid that I am going to leave too; but it is what I have to do. I will always sacrafice my needs for my child but sometimes it flat out sucks!

    Thank you for giving me a place to vent. My daughter just came into my office as I was reading previous posts and said she wasn’t tired for a nap. Normally I would yell at her and tell her to get back in bed; but because I was on this site-I calmly took her back to her bed, rubbed her back and she fell right asleep. I am so glad I found this site!

  62. I love this concept. I just had my fourth baby in a country that is new to us, and my children, husband and I are all stressed and culture shocking… I yell at them. Then go to bed heart broken. Then yell again. I’ve even said, of my children that I ADORE, that there are too many of them, or that they are the “naughty” kids. I love my children desperately… I’m going to give my own version of project rhino a shot. Being less of a villain to my gorgeous kiddos, and trying to be more on their side…thanks for taking the time to share!

  63. I just now found this and wish I would have found it 2 years ago…I have 2 girls M is 10 and T is 3.. and I find myself yelling at them almost all of the time..my mother never yelled..so why am I doing this?..I feel like the worst mother ever…sometimes I think “maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom”.. but now that I see that I’m not the only mother that yells at their kids…I don’t feel so alone ..I can be and want to be a better mother…my challenge starts right now as I’m reading this…even thought there are toys and shoes all over the living Room floor I promise to my children and myself that I will not yell!! Thank you for helping me start this challenge!

  64. Oh my gosh, I totally stumbled on your blog through pinterest tonight and it could not have come at a better time! I think in all my days of parenting (I have a 5 year old boy and a VERY independent 19 month old girl) today was easily one of the worst behavior days ever. I feel like my kids are just going to be horrible people because I am such a horrible mom and that is such a huge burden! I yell way to much and could totally identify with so much of what I have found on here!! It’s nice to know I am not alone :)
    I had one question…one of our biggest problems today was riding in the car. So what do you do when behavior gets crazy in places like the car? I don’t want the behavior to continue and my kids feed off of each other. Yelling doesn’t help but I feel like in that place it’s all I can do! Any suggestions? Those are probably some of the hardest places for me.
    I am really excited to keep looking through some of your posts though, gives me some hope for us!

    • I learned this trick from another Orange Rhino – ask your kids to put nose to knee. It is hard and makes them laugh which changes things us. I also put the windows down and and turn the music up – especially look for deep base music, it is soothing believe it or not :)

      • I presume you’re talking about young kids with this “nose to knee” idea.

        As I was reading this, I kept thinking “if my kid would do what I asked her to do, I wouldn’t need to be yelling!” :)

        Lucky for me, I didn’t have any problem with yelling or anger when my kid was little. Now, with her in early adolescence, I wish for those calm days back…..

  65. Hi Orange Rhino,

    Thank you for your honesty, while reading this I felt like I was talking to some dear friends of mine, who I share the same sort of information with via Face Book. I have 3 children and 1 on the way, we will have 4 under 5 in Sep. I am committing to the no yell promise and starting tonight, yes that’s right while they are sleeping, because often when they wake during the night I yell at them to go back to sleep. I have the same triggers as every one else. I always get as much sleep as I can get, which usually means I am in bed by 9, but if I get interrupted during the night then I am grumpy as soon as I wake in the morning. So instead of getting mad during the night I wont yell and be proud of myself and be able to get back to sleep guilt free, even if that means I have to just get up to them.

    I have had a rough day and tomorrow will be better, so I am off to bed.

  66. Ok so I am feeling just a smidge like Rachel Macy Stafford in her article she wrote on May 22nd 2013 titled The Important Thing About Yelling, when her computer lost the last 3 chapters of her book. I just shared my story here and when I posted my comment my computer then went to screen saying I did something wrong. But here is the good news. This site has taught me to say calm. I don’t need get upset or take it out on anyone. It is want it is. :) Thank you for being honest and real. This sight has really made me feel like I am not alone.

  67. It helped me a lot reading your parentig expierence. I have two little boys (4 and 2) and live in Ushuaia, Tierra del FUego. Sometimes I fell bad for my behavior towards them and don’t know what to do!!! Thank you!!!! I’ll keep reading your blog for improve my self as a momy!!!

  68. I wish I had found something like this a long time ago. My son is 14 now and I rarely yell at him any more. The last time was a couple of months ago and was a outburst which probably rattled windows in the next village.

    When he was smaller, I felt some days that I had done nothing but yell from morning to night and felt so much guilt and shame and disgust at myself, but didn’t know how to change. The language I used (and still do) when I was shouting was appalling and foul.

    Even though I rarely yell these days, I know that that urge is still there and will surface when I get angry. I am going to take a long hard look at myself having read this blog and see if I can’t come up with a strategy that will work for me, not having daily outbursts against which to judge triggers, etc.

    Incidentally, for those of you who worry, like I did, that you have inflicted long-term damage on your children, my son has grown into the most beautiful, caring, well-adjusted young man I could ever have hoped for. So I guess, when I wasn’t yelling, I may have done something right.

  69. Just my opinion that we as mothers should not always feel guilty about our yelling because our child is acting terrible. My 3 1/2 makes every little thing into aan issue, she obviously loves maki.g me angry . Based on her behavior I have decided NEVER to have another child cannot stand this situation again

  70. Thank you for this blog! I am reading your blog trying to figure out how to stop yelling at my boys. I don’t know how to stop. I literally tell myself every night before bed that I will not yell at my boys tomorrow but sure enough I will! I don’t mean to and I can’t stand they I am right now but I try so hard to not yell and I can’t. I cry every night lately because of my yelling. I have 3 boys, H is 10, D is 5 and A is 2 1/2. The younger 2 are the ones I yell at. I was a stay at home mom since I got pregnant with my now 5 year old. I had to get a job about a year ago because they were driving me crazy. The younger 2 constantly fight and argue ALL the time so I yell. I yell when it’s just me a home with them and I won’t yell n public at them. I even cuss to. Inding yell when my husband is home (he is a truck driver) because they listen to him but they DO NOT listen to me. I feel like I’m a bad mom and I don’t know how to fix it. The yelling didn’t start at all until i got pregnant with my now 2 year old. My 2 year old is attached me. He cries when I go to the store, he wants to be by my side 24/7. Ideas?

    • I wanted to add that I have found myself thinking “I want to pack a bag and leave without my family and never coming back” all the time. I’m so upset that I act like this to my own kids but I’m so frustrated at the way they act to each other that yelling is how I deal with it. My 2 yr old cries all the time. He whines and is so stubborn. He is usually the one that starts the “issue” with the 5 year old like taking toys away or throwing a toy at my 5 yr old.
      Add

  71. Hi I just found your site reading the blogs it’s as if I wrote them myself I have 4 yr old & a16 month yr old I feel that ever since the baby came along all I do is shout. I really try my hardest to control it I know it’s wrong but it’s out of me before I know it. I don’t want to be this type of person I love my kids my than anything I am so afraid all this yelling will scar them for life . I am fine in public it’s just at home the noise the whining the talking back notdoing what there told..some days I just can’t take it but other days are great no fighting no shouting everyone is happy but when I get tired I get ajetated and I start to snap at everyone including my husband he says I have anger management issues and need help. This morning my daughter said Mum no shouting today ok! I have been crying since it Is Breaking my heart I feel like such a bad Mom

  72. Wow! I stumbled upon this on Pinterest. It’s just the wake up call I needed. I have a 2 yr old and 4 yr old. I am a perfectionist, OCD person by nature so combine that with two toddlers destroying everything they can get their hands on, A LOT of yelling occurs. ;) The

  73. oops! Toddler invasion! lol! Anyway, I am a sweat-the-small-stuff gal so sometimes parenting is a big challenge for me. I really appreciate the honesty and insight from this article. I am starting TODAY and I think I will need to work with a small goal (a week) but something has to be done. My kids are starting to mimic my patterns and it’s like a stab in the chest. :( I want to be a calm parent and not go to bed crying at night over feeling guilty. Another reality check is that if I act like this now, how in the world will it be when they are teenagers?? Time to get a handle on it so it becomes a life change. Thanks again!

    • Thank you for sharing this. I can identify with the kids copying my behaviour thing too. It breaks my heart, knowing that they deserve more from me (seeing as I am supposed to be the grown-up here!) and seeing as they are just kids being kids. I can also identify with feeling bad about it afterwards. I feel like this tonight. I guess it is good that we feel bad if we can make something good come out of it; i.e. take action to make a change for the better. I feel inspired knowing that I am not alone in this journey. All the best!!!

  74. I just happened upon this blog like most of the other posters and like the others…WOW this is ME! My house is one big yell fest and it has got to stop. I’m reading books, articles and blogs like crazy trying to find a way to stop the yell. I’m still a little lost on how to get a child (23 months) to stop a behavior (throwing everything in sight) without the yelling though? Redirecting him hasn’t worked so far, yelling hasn’t worked (obviously), he doesn’t do it in a tantrum kind of way so I don’t think there is an underlying emotion coming out in the behavior, he thinks its fun but we can’t allow throwing of wooden blocks? What to do? I want to start small, like get through one night after I get home from work without yelling….

    • I have a 2.5 yo DD and a 17 mo DD at home and the throwing things just to throw is a issue for us to. We use Conscious Discipline in our family but yelling is a HUGE problem of mine and in no way/shape/form fits into the CD way of doing things. So, here’s what we have used/had some success with.
      -Explain to child cannot throw trucks but can throw (whatever is acceptable to you-pillows, balls, scarfs, tissue paper in balls, cotton balls etc.).
      -Remove toy from child/room, explain since not keeping self/others safe it will be put away and child can try again tomorrow to use that particular toy and keep self/others safe while using it. Tell child, “Throwing toys is NOT safe! It is my job to keep you safe! Its my job to keep sibling safe! It is your job to help me keep you safe!!” before removing toy. Then talking to child about what to do when done playing with toy (or whatever is causing the issue, ways to solve it).
      -Teaching both kiddos ways to vent that are okay. Have a ‘Safe Place’ they can go to be alone and deal with anger/frustration. Teach breathing techniques to deal with emotions. Teach “Using big voice” (NOT yelling) by saying things like, “I don’t like when you hit me, if you want a turn say ‘can I have a turn next?’ ” and having one child say it to the other, gives them the tools to problem solve.

      In our family the throwing is usually a sign the younger has tried to talk/get our attention an we missed the signs so she falls back on that. Sorry so long, hope this helps!

  75. Thank you, thank you. I have had the worst day of yelling. My kids came home from their dad’s this morning and it has been a yell fest since. I have 3, a 8-yr, 7-yr, and 4-yr old. Ever since the divorce, about 1 year and a half, my yelling has become progressively worse. Today I grabbed my 7-year old by the arm and he cried out that I hurt him. How could I do that?! I have been considering medication, thinking this can’t be right, there must be something wrong with me. I’ve tried changing my diet, exercise, st. john’s wort, and nothing seems to be helping. I am going to read these articles and try this challenge. I need to change. My kids have been mimicking me and it’s breaking my heart. I want to be the bestest mommy in the world, not the worstest!

  76. Thank you so much for “coming out of the closet”! I thought that I was the only mom in the whole world who yells at her kids. I have 2, Tami is 5, and Toby is 2………everything was great when Tami was born. It wasn’t untilI was preggers with Toby and had moved 4 hours from anybody we knew that my yelling started. Some days are great days with only a little fussing…but its the others days that makes me want to crawl in a hole and never come out! I find myself screaming at them, not because of what they just did, but because I’m already mad about something else that has nothing to do with them. I’m going to paint orange rhinos and post them all over my house! Thanks so much!

  77. I just found this website tonight and you have inspired me. I have 5 boys and 3 girls and I absolutely hate yelling at them. I’m going to give this a try. I really think this method might help me not just with yelling but getting my anger under better control then it is now. I will refer to this when needed. Thank you for posting about this.

  78. Have just found this today and I looked at me and found that I need to do this too. I am what my 8 year old would term a shouty mum. I have known that this was not what I wanted to be but I didn’t have the tools to do thing differently when stresses tired PMS and a variety of other things too. However after reading this we managed a school run without a shout and I am hoping to carry on the rest of the day too. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I look forward to reading more about this and taking it on board. xx

  79. Wow!
    Thank you so much.
    I just needed somebody to put the words in some kind of work-able order.
    Amazing.
    Starting small – 21 Days.

  80. I have two children ages 9 and 3. The older one is a girl and the younger a boy. Years ago when I had my daughter I had a lot of friends having children. So it was all baby talk and playdates. Well….they went on to have seconds right away and moved on. I waited until my little one was six on purpose( wanted alone time with a new baby and be a great stay at home kindergarten mom for a year). Well this time shocked me for sure. The second one cried a lot and has been a bit of what I call a pure boy. People tell me that I have two of the most spectacular kids ever. They are both healthy, smart, and billboard gorgeous. People are constantly telling me they have never seen such gorgeous children and that I should have more babies because wow are they attractive(I can not handle to two I have got). I am 43 and chasing around a three year old is a huge challenge as I watch the other moms barely starting their college loans and my friends starting to enjoy their husbands again. That is another bone of contention. I love my husband he is an amazing person, man, father, and husband but after a day with the kids I can not stand him or his presence. So… Enter the yelling!!! I am so mean. I realize the triggers and they are messes that I can not control and absolutely NO TIME. The other factor is a very sick and elderly 90 year old father who needs constant care. So… I am setting my goal of no yelling for only one week. Why because I have to be realistic and just breath. I haven’t gone five minutes without yelling or at least oscar the grouch grumpy!!! Today in 90 degree heat my husband asked why the three year old had on a fleece ski outfit on in one of the pictures I texted him. That was me picking my battles and saying who cares if the other moms are looking at me with child protective services numbers on their cell phones ready to hit send:) He was wearing sandals:) I was letting my child assert some independenc(actually he wore me out and I did not have the fight in me and thank go because the line was long at starbucks I could not wait for my machiatto:)

  81. I realize while I was out of toddlerville and smooth sailing had set in with the first that many of my friends were enjoying nightly beverages. I now know why except I hate drinking so the gym has become my “drink of choice”. It is what keeps me going:) I absolutely love it. This must be done daily to preserve my sanity:) I am exciting for hearing about how your lack of yelling has helped your life. My kids are awesome!!!!

  82. I recently found your blog and apart from finding a solution to the thing that causes me the most grief it was comforting to see I wasn’t alone. I think as parents, as moms, there is this ideal we strive to live up to. We read the magazines and the blogs, we see these awesome parents doing awesome things and I wonder how in the hell they do it all. How does someone fit all that in a day? After a full day’s work I pick up my four hungry, cranky boys (three preschoolers, thank you very much!) and I rush home to do the laundry, pack lunches, finish homework, cook an edible – somewhat healthy – dinner, bathe the kids, etc. and try to fit in 10 minutes for myself before it begins again. Frankly, it’s not fun. It is a roller-coaster and sometimes I just want to get off.

    I want better for my boys. I love them to the ends of the earth and when I reflect on how I have let my anger get the best of me it kills me. I started the challenge yesterday. I made a dry erase card to mark my days, painted my toe nails – adorable idea, thank you – and I explained to the boys what I was doing. Wish me luck, I am flying blind. I am the child of misdirected anger and poor communication; I was never given the proper skills. I don’t want to foster another generation of this behavior. I want better. I want more!
    Thank you for putting this out there. Thank you for the guidance. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone!

  83. This couldn’t be any more perfect for me unless it was called The Orange Lion! I have been having a Lion spirit guide in my face the past week visiting me in dreams and other various signs warning me I need to change. Along my very short journey of self awareness a fellow mum and friend living on the other side of the world confessed her demons and that she was joining this challenge. Thank you for the inspiration I needed, I want to change and have felt deflated that I don’t know how to. I accept this challenge and look forward to a happier family.

  84. I really enjoyed reading your BLOG. I go to work and study in the evening. When My 2 and 4 year old are down in bed for the night all I want it some quiet time. My kids share a room because they enjoy being together and talking and laughing with each other. The problem is, that they yell and make shrieks lately. My younger son stands in bed and bangs on it and I find myself yelling every few minutes for them to be quiet. After a really long day at work and a huge comute I just need the evening to be still. It’s not really even “me” time. It’s study time. I don’t really even have study time. In the car it’s the same way. My wife tunes it out and doesn’t care. We NEVER finish a single conversation without our kids yelling something to us. We tend to argue a lot about my frustration with their noise.

    I admit to feeling like a bad parent when I yell to my kids or say an unfriendly remark towards them. They do not seem to respect anything that is told to them though. I will try to not yell for 30 straight days and see how that works. I suppose I could do a counter on Facebook.

    Thanks

    I fee

  85. Thank you for beginning this blog!! I send big hugs to all those moms out there who are working through the yelling issue. I wish I’d had something like this a number of years ago, when my 4 boys were younger, but thankfully had God, my mother and mother in law to talk to. I know that not everyone has this support, so it’s a treasure to have this community of women to support each other! I know I always felt awful when I lost my temper, and I couldn’t figure out where the anger came from. Hello hormones, and 4 little people with their own agendas !! :) My own little ones are preteens and young adults now, and I won’t say I don’t live on the edge some days, because even though we still have lego issues, (they have to stay in the bedroom), it’s now studying for a driver’s license, figuring out how to pay for tuition, and working college in around a full time job, and making wise spending choices. SO, if anyone knows where to direct me for THOSE issues :) !!! Blessings to you all, and hug and kiss your little ones a little extra today, it goes by so quickly !! LP

  86. Amazing advice. I am printing it and putting it up and it will be my mid-year new year’s resolution so that it is a manageable resolution. I have also decided that self-bashing is also not a good idea, so to help myself not yell, I will also stop yelling at myself as well.

  87. I´m In.
    Gracias, gracias, gracias!!!!!!
    Put the alarm in my cell: 3 times a day for the next week, it says: HOY NO GRITO.
    Run out to buy orange flowers to decorate mi house and loved the idea of orange nails…mhhhhhhh.
    gracias, gracias, gracias again.

  88. I found this on pinterest and boy am I glad. My 2 & 1 year olds are just shy of a year apart and I have a 4 monrh old. On top of that I watch a friends 2 year old and 6 month old 3 days a week. I feel so tired and over whelmed all the time I find myself yelling at my kids which makes me feel terrible! For the past few weeks I wake up tell myself no yelling….when I fail I say “God, I failed……give me another chance.” Then I start over. My hudbands mood greatly affects my mood as welll…..so he’s working on his tired anger as well….

    • I have a 26 month old girl and 10 week old girl, the eldest hits her and tries to be mean just out of jealousy…Do you have this problem? I do not know how to not yell when she acts this way as it hurts the baby and infuriates me, any advice?!

  89. I am so glad to have found this blog. I was google-searching things about stopping yelling, and came across someone who linked to you. I am not a mom yet, but I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I’ve been with for over 4 years. We plan to get married and start a family, but last night I almost lost him because of the yelling. We were fighting and something inside him just stopped, and he said “That’s it, I can’t take this yelling anymore, I’m done.” And suddenly it was like a big slap in the face. I CAN’T keep doing this or I’m going to lose the man who means everything to me, I’m going to lose my future husband, I’m going to lose the father of the children I am so looking forward to having, and even if he stayed and we had a family, my yelling habit would move on to the kids which I can’t stand the thought of.

    I begged him to stay, to give me one final chance, and that I wasn’t going to yell at him anymore. I know that if I do, he will just walk out the door. He loves me, but it’s just worn him out.

    I come from a family where punishments and yelling and finding who’s to blame in every situation were the norm. My fiancé tries to tell me every issue doesn’t always have someone to blame, sometimes things just happen, and it’s hard when I’ve been raised to think otherwise. I went to visit my family recently, and was appalled at some of the ways they treated me, and then had a realization a few days later that many of the things they said to me, the disrespect, I’ve been doing to the person I love the most. I never thought I was like them until that day.

    I’m sorry for the novel! But I’m just so determined to change for the better. I can’t stand the idea of becoming like my father, treating the people I care about like he does.

    I will be following the Orange Rhino Facebook page, and trying to use the 12 steps on this page to work to be better. I hope that they will also work for somebody who doesn’t have children yet but is determined to stop yelling!

    Thank you so much.

    • Hi. I really appreciate your honest comment. I can totally relate to this. I too have been a yeller towards my husband. What has helped me is two things 1) preventative measures like thinking of how lovely he is to me and how he does not deserve to be treated badly. 2) If I ever do yell I apologise very quickly and seek his forgiveness. I have had to pray about it too and ask God to help me as I couldn’t do it on my own.

      Good on you for recognising your problem and wanting to change. You are on your way to better relationships!

  90. Soy Mamá de 2 niños un niño de 2 años y medio y una bebe de 5 meses y medio, me e dado cuenta que le grito mucho a mi hijo, que pierdo la paciencia con facilidad,y al ver dormir a mi hijo me da mucha pena y lloro, y me da mucha rabia conmigo misma ya que no deseo ser como fue mi madre, yo lo que mas deseo es ser una madre feliz y amorosa y cambio y soy muy pesada y gritona, hay dias que me siento superada ylo que mas amo son a mis hijos, gracias por esta pagina y comenzare desde ahora

  91. I found this blog as I immediatly began googling how to stop yelling at my 3 year old following an emotional break down. While at work I started venting to coworkers about the guilt I feel because Ive been snapping at my daughter lately,within minutes I was balling my eyes out and saying I was an awful mother and my daughters words from the night before is all I could hear in my head.. “you mean mommy”… Honestly I havent been the nicest Mommy lately Ive been yelling,snapping and not very patient with her. I am a single mother struggling with money, work,continuing education, and parenting. Reading your blog has made me realize that I have not been yelling at her because she is going through the “trying threes” I am yelling because what I am going through as a responsible adult which my daughter is really unaware of.. Today I will start the Orange Rhino Challenge!!! Thank you so much for sharing your struggles openly and honestly!!

  92. I have just discovered you blog and none too soon. I am at my wits end. Sitting crying whiel I write this. My 10 year old son and twin 7year old daughters DO NOT listen and yelling doesn’t work but nothing seems to work. They yell at each other and blame each other for everything. My son tells me how horrible I am. He shuts down and cries and tells me he is not listening. My huscand and I went to couples councilling this winter and it really improved our relationship. He has really stopped yelling at the kids but I am still struggling; they just don’t listen. I don’t know what to do but I have to try something. I feel very alone right now. I am going to sit down and have a CRY with my kids while we talk…. I hope it works. I am commited to this but it feels really hard right now. I am scared that my kids will end up like me. I have friends but no one I can just call to go out for coffee. I am worried especially for my son because I don’t see him having that friend to call on either. (or more so the friend that calls on him) I broke my foot this summer so I can’t even go for a run…. that is my usual release. I am not feeling great about myself right now. I am going to try!! I have nothing to lose and everything to gain!!

  93. First of all thank you so much for this post. I really loved it. I t gave me hope that I can stop yelling at my child. Recently, I have been through a lot of stress and I have been taking out the anger on my poor little girl. She is only 3 and does not at all deserve the yelling. My daughter has been distancing herself from me and I no longer feel the love and connection we had before. I yell at her for no logical reason. Worst of all was today. I yelled at her and pulled her forcefully away. I cant believe I did that to the child I swore to love, cherish and protect.I don’t have words to describe the emptiness I feel right now. I can never forgive myself. I have been surfing the net the whole day today trying to find ways to help me better control myself. I must stop yelling. It is something I have to do to better my relationship with my daughter. I feel I have failed her as a mom but reading your posts gave me hope. I will do my best to stop yelling. Thank you so much.

  94. Crying right this moment. I found this when googling ‘I don’t have fun with my son’ !
    I’ve been feeling wretched as he has been saying I always say no and Im mean to him, but follows it up with he loves me. He is so very very wanting me to enjoy him and I just haven’t.
    Will be an avid returner to your blog, thank you thank you thank you
    No yelling practice starts now
    X

  95. Wow, I am not sure if I am the only dad posting on this or not. My 7 yr old son told me this morning that I yell at him a lot and it crushed me! My father was always around when I was growing up, but he wasn’t very involved other than yelling! I actually spent most of my child hood afraid of him, not that he was physically abusive but definitely had an explosive temper when I did get spankings he went over board. Like many of you have said I have always said I don’t want to be like him, but I find myself acting like him with yelling. I have spanked my kids, but I limited it to 3 swats, and I hate doing that.

    I spend a lot of time worried that I am messing my kids up. I also see friends posts on social media about how they love being parents, and I find my self stressed with it so much that I don’t find it that enjoyable.

    I have for some time tried not to yell, but when asking nicely for my kids to do something they won’t respond or continue playing. That is one thing that will cause me to yell as I feel it gets the job done.

    I am glad to see so many posts on here and even current posts. I am going to try and eliminate the yelling! I didn’t realize, but you are correct that we don’t yell in public cause we don’t want others to judge us. I have always thought we should be the same everywhere all the time.

    Thanks

  96. Thank you!

    I have been following you on facebook for a while, but I just started REALLY reading your blog as a resource because I realize I can’t do this alone. My bub is 7 months old and I surprise myself at my lack of patience sometimes. He’s happy and healthy and generally a really easy guy. Generally I’m a happy health and easy going mom too. Which almost makes it worse when I struggle. I feel my fuse is incredibly short when we have a not-so-easy day and I can never figure out which came first – his fussiness or my grumpiness and lack of patience. Am I setting him off or is he setting me off? I realize it’s probably a little of column A and a little of column B. But ultimately, I’m the Mama and he’s the baby, so I set the tone for how we handle our emotions and I need to do better. I know lack of sleep, naps not going according to plan, and too many days without a break from being Mama are triggers. If I miss my once a week yoga class or “me” time (away from being spouse and mother) I find my ability to cope goes down the tubes. I find there’s a fine balance between doing too many activities (too much chaos and not enough home time) and doing too little (going stir crazy and bored stuck at home). It’s been hard for me to find this balance.

    I hate being consumed by guilt after I’m frustrated with my baby. I’m shocked when I handle him roughly, feel anger toward him, or yell (I ask myself “what kind of person yells at a 7 month old?!?!”). I feel like I don’t deserve how perfect and wonderful he is. And because he’s such a good baby, I hear our family and friends echoing in my head about how I “don’t realize how lucky I am” or “how good I have it” or “how perfect my baby is.” It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have a bad day or struggle. It makes me feel like I’m weak and not very good at being a Mom – if I can’t handle the rare difficult day, how could I deserve to be a mom when others have babies who fuss all the time and never sleep yet they don’t lose their tempers.

    And often, the whole time I’m feeling frustrated with him it’s because I’m feeling resentful at not having “me” time or proper sleep or enough to eat…but by the time I get my alone time or my opportunity to sleep, I’m so consumed with guilt that I was such a grump to him that I spend the whole time I have for me berating myself and feeling horrible and chomping at the bit for him to wake up from his nap so I can make it up to him that I was such a jerk.

    Thank you so much for being so brave in starting this challenge and making it public. Thank you for starting this conversation, because it’s a scary one to have – it’s scary to feel so vulnerable and judged in a world that puts a lot of pressure on us to be perfect mothers and wives who literally do it ALL – bring home the bacon, raise perfect kids in perfect outfits with high IQs and EQs all with a plethora of hugs, snuggles, kisses, home baked cookies, perfectly clean homes and not one moment of weakness where we yell or feel resentment toward our little blessings – oh yeah, and we better look amazingly well put together while to do all of the above!

    I love my baby so very much – he is literally the light of my life and makes my days worth living – I am committed to making this change. I was doing well – going on a week of being consistently patient and calm – choosing to calmly walk away for a breather when needed – but last night was a tough night sleep wise and today has not gone well with naps. I kept asking “why are you crying? what’s going on?” Of course he was crying in response to me being impatient with him. Now he’s asleep and I just want to snuggle him and kiss him and be near to him. I feel terrible for my short temper and don’t want to feel this way any longer. Time to say out loud what I’ve been saying to myself for months – I yell and take my frustration out on my kid too much and it needs to stop. Starting now.

  97. This is amazing! I have 4 kids ages from 11-2..we homeschool too. I struggle with yelling and loosing it everyday. I love that I have found this blog. I’m totally on board with the no yelling and I’m starting today! Reading everyone’s posts is totally what I’m dealing with. Thank you for taking the time to help other moms become non yellers:)

  98. As many others have posted, it’s like I wrote this post. It sounds just like me. I am a yeller and I hate it. I hate myself every day because I am not a good mom like I thought I would be. I get frustrated over the smallest things…and I yell. At times I even scream at the top of my lungs. I worry the neighbors will hear me. As for my kids, it does no good. They don’t respond to the yelling so I don’t know why I do it. I’m tired and stressed and I think I have some PP depression that I haven’t treated. My youngest is 15 months and it’s been building since he was born.
    But I am resolving that starting today, I am not yelling. I am going to be a better mom. I am going to play with my kids more and reward them more rather than punishing all the time. My 3 1/2 year old is in time out multiple times a day and it needs to stop. Obviously I’M doing something wrong.
    Thank you for giving me the motivation and tools to help me get started and it really does make me feel better to know that I’m not alone in my parenting frustrations. I will wipe away my tears to do something about my actions.

  99. I need to join this little group I have a 10 yr old,
    7yr old and 1yr old.
    I yell at my older kids cause they fight non
    Stop and I feel so guilty yelling at them before school.

    I’m hoping to make some changes to have a more Peaceful household:)

  100. I’ve been feeling really guilty lately. My wife and I have 2 daughters, ages 4 and 6. They truly are the lights of my life and it kills me to think about how my wife and I sometimes react to such piddly things. I’ll focus on me, though. It almost always involves me (us) trying to communicate something to them (come on, girls – it’s time to go to school… or time to go to bed… or time to eat, etc…) and them ignoring me because they are preoccupied with something else. Our youngest is a bit moody and she is prone to tantrums. There are times when I’m tired or need to get something done when I just lose control and find myself yelling or mocking her tantrum. I don’t want to be this kind of daddy and I’m trying really hard to make a change. I think about how little time I have to spend with them before they grow up and it just cuts right through me. They are so perfectly sweet and innocent, and they deserve the best of me. They need me to accept and love them at all times and cherish them for the little blessings that they are. My wife and I are busy professionals and it can be tough to pull it all off – jobs, home, family, etc… I’m dedicated to making a change. I’m going to try to get her to make a change, as well. Thanks for providing this forum.

  101. hello ,orange Rhino,thank you very much for sharing the ideas. I should stop my yelling. I often yell to my kido and husband with small thing. I feel regret after yelled.

    I feel uncomfortable . The boy give me more joy, I should be calm, stop yell, thanks for the idea. I want to be better mom.

  102. Wow im so happy I found this blog. I am a single mum to my amazing 5 year old boy. I do it alone with no help from his dad and I manage but its hard work. The worst thing is I then take it out on my boy (we always take it out on the people were closest to) but I hate myself for it. It’s not his fault I can’t control my temper. Then the guilt kicks in and I start beating myself up because I no its wrong but I don’t know how to deal with it. So I looked online and found your post and what a relief it was reading all your stories and knowing im not alone. I am going to try this challenge a week at a time and make a promise to myself to do my best to succeed. He’s my life and i want to be a better, less yelly mum. Thank you all for some much needed inspiration :) xx

  103. Got across your website when I really yelled badly at my son and was searching for a outlet to my guilt. Seeing your side of story I do get a bit of hope.When you can manage with 4 boys..GOSH Hats of to you..I definitely can with one..

    Ya You might think what big deal having only one boy that too 10 year old,but still boys are boys..They do get on your nerve..With no one to share or play I do understand things are difficult for him..And so is for me..

    So how do I start?? He is so used to my yelling that he would listen only if I scream at my top of my voice..Has to be told for each and every thing..I am both physically and emotionally drained cursing me every time I yell at him,,,When ever I look at him in his sleep I feel why did I really shout at an angel like this…but cant help..

    I am more than willing to change if I knew the path..Reading your posts to Hoping to find my path soon…Wish me luck

  104. I read your blog today for the first time. Just so happens that I had a yelling match with my very strong willed six year old. I felt guilty all day my heart broke. I’m going all in 365 days no yelling. Today’s my birthday so a great day to start. I’m a huge yeller I yell all the time. I have tried numerous times but I can never stick with it. What you said about my kids have good days and bad days just like me. Hit a hard place within me.

  105. After reading some of three posts it seems like I am the only father experiencing this. I have a 5 yr old son and yell at him more than I think I should. But after reading this I feel lousy!!! In one sense I feel relieved there are other people who feell my pain but on the other hand I feel like I am a terrible father when I’m yelling at my son. Today was espixally bad, when I came home from work my wife and my son were not getting along and that happens way too often. I hope its just a phase of him not listening to his mother. So when I got home I lost it!! And now I feel so bad. I have a pit in my stomach. Well after reading this story and all the posts I am starting my vow of no yelling directly at my son. I am going to try harder than ever. I will accept the support of anyone on these posts and I will do the same. Thanks!!!!

    • Hey brother you aren’t the only father experiencing this. I am working through this also. I have some of the same issues, when my wife starts having a hard time with the kids, that triggers the yelling. Also when I have to tell them multiple times to do something it will cause me to yell. I found this site a few weeks ago and I went home and talked with my son and Told him about what makes me yell. I made a deal with him that if he would do what I ask then I would try very hard not to yell. One day he wasn’t holding up his end of the deal and I reminded him of our agreement without yelling and later that night he came to me and said “dad I am going to try and do better on holding up my end of deal” I have great kids!! Good luck!

      • Thanks David and Mary! Since I posted my comment both my wife and I have been solid and have pretty much kept our word. There hasn’t been really any yelling or and kind of blow up. Of course there have been scootchy moments from our “angel” but we have dealt with it in a whole different way. Bottom line…………They are just kids with lots of maturing to do! Thanks for the support!!

    • Scott you are not alone. My dad was a yeller and his dad worse…. Much worse. I am so proud of you coming on here and expressing your concern. Keep your chin up and plug away at doing the right thing. We are all here to support each other! Dads included!!!

  106. Looks like there are more momma’s out there going thru the same thing as me. Being a mom is harder than I ever thought it would be. I’ve got three kids, the oldest is four and a half. My trigger is the oldest two fighting nonstop. My husband works late every night and everything is on me. It’s a lot and it is stressful. Thank you for writing this. I am tired of feeling guilty at the end of the day, knowing I could have handled things better. Yelling doesn’t work and only makes the kids feel bad. I will take the steps to end yelling!!

  107. I couldn’t have found this blog at better timing. Tonight was my last draw and realized that I just had to go on google and find moms who are going through the same thing as me. I see that I’m not alone in this. I am a mom of an almost 3 yr old girl and an almost 5 yr old boy. My little boy is my biggest challenge. I am a working mommy and a full time student and a wife to a wonderful husband. My life right now is at a very stressful point with assignments and papers and everything else that needs to be done in the home. Yes, I very much do get help from hubby but I still do a lot. My biggest biggest downfall is my yelling. As I type this out tears fall down my face because every single night I tell myself, “why can’t I find the patience in me to just be calm and patient!” I pray over and over and over again about this but I know it’s something that I have to change within myself. It breaks my heart so bad after I yell at my kids and I see what it does to them. The last thing that I ever want to do is leave my son in school after a morning of yelling or shut the door at night after I just got done yelling at him. It brings me to tears because this is NOT what I want. Not one bit. Feeling stressed because of school or being tired will never be a good enough excuse for to have to yell at my kids. I want to do this challenge for a month and see how it goes. I’m praying that by doing this it shows me a difference in myself and how I can really be. Thank you so much for this blog because it opened up my eyes that this is a real issue with moms and even dads. I’m ready for this challenge!!!

  108. I don’t have kids, and I’m not really a yeller, but I still found this post really helpful for anger management. I hate how I act when I’m angry: I become passive-aggressive, my head spinning inside but not very much coming out, afraid of the bottled-up emotions bursting, feeling very hateful sometimes! Your post made me realize that I, too, can and should find a better way to deal with anger. So thanks. :)

  109. Wow. Let me start by saying THANK YOU! I so needed to read this blog. I like many others lose my cool and end up yelling trying to get my point across…which only results in more drama and me feeling like a horrible mother. I am not the kind of mom i had always dreamed i would be…my entire life i wanted to be a mom. My friends wanted to be doctors, teachers and nurses…i wanted to be a mommy. Starting today, i will begin my orange rhino LIFE, yes life. I don’t want to stop yelling temporarily. Today is the day i will make this important change for myself and my babies. Thank u orange rhino for inspiring all pf us to be better parents and people!

  110. I have just read this and I am so relived to hear that there are so many people out here that yell and totally loose control of the things they say.
    Over the years my daughters have grown up, they are now 9 and 13 and I still completely loose the plot with them. With them getting older I don’t want them to turn into me or worse still turn against me.
    We have had many horrible times, when I have actually got physical because the anger over something small has escalated into something huge. To see the look of fear in my kids eyes has kept me awake at night and thinking , like most, what a terrible mother I am.
    To see them taking on the same traits as me scares me. To hear their voices copying me, yelling when they are angry is heart breaking.

    If only I had seen this years ago. I just hope it’s not too late :(

    From today I am going to stop! I have to, and reading through your blog shows me that I can do it, and the kids can also help me and help themselves at the same time.

    Thank you!

    I just hope it’s not too late.

  111. I wish i found this site sooner. Im a single mom of 3 boys, i run a day home and do schooling online. I am with my children and other peoples children 24/7. I find these days im yelling more then I should. It breaks my heart, my middle son tells me im angry all the time, im not angry all the time i just have triggers like so many of you have, and I dont get as many breaks as id like. So here i am starting the challenge. I can do this. I know i can and I know my boys will benefit from this. Im hoping they will. Im a great mom, but yes i Yell. go to bed, pjs on eat your dinner, stop, dont, i feel like the worlds biggest nag. SO again, i am putting an end to this. Thank you SO SO much for your post. Wish me luck.

    Crystal

  112. Hi. Iam starting the challenge today. I have 3 kids of my own all boys. My teenage son is the only one who lives with me. I also have 2 “foster kids” they are actually my boyfriends ex-girlfriends kids.. He doesnt have kids of his own but decided to raise them. So here I am a stay at home mom of 1 teenager with ADHD and ODD and 2 kids that sometimes give me problems cause Im not thier “real” mother. I have ADD and OCD so organzation is something I have to have to maintain sanity. We have his mom living here and she is a borderline hoarder so needless to say I pretty much stay in my room 24/7 cause I cant handle the mess and disorganaztion.. Thats a big trigger for my yelling. Another is my teenage son and his ADHD/ODD he does not listen to me at all and it always turms into a yelling and screaming match that ends with me saying Just get out my face I dont care what you do. I always feel bad after but the damage is already done. Now to the 11 year old girl who thinks her “real” mom hung the moon when really she is a drug addict that put drugs and men ahead of her kids and the 12 year old boywho no matter how many times he is reminded and shown what he needs to do somehow never manages to do it. He has more excuses than anyone I have ever been around. My B/F works sometimes 18 hours a day so he isnt here to help difuse the situation. and when he is here everyone acts like angels and I look like the bad guy so then i yell at him.. So i NEED to doo this challenge and my goal right now is just go 1 day without yelling.

  113. I love this, as with all the others I too have moments of insanity and mind loss and turn to yelling when my patience has ran out and I just feel like I cannot breath!!
    I want my kids to be good parents and I want to be the example that leads them there and I know right now that I am not that.
    I want to from this day forward be the mom who gorrilla bangs her chest instead of yells her head off :(
    I know my kids deserve a sane mom even if doing things solo has given me the excuse to do things the way I have.
    I know that I have mad head room in how I use to parent and I know my kids feel as though there is room to say mom does a pretty darn good job. But there should be no yelling and i know this and want to have this.\
    Thank you for your blog and what you shared i know i learned alot and got that fire burning in me to star my own challenge.
    Thank you
    A

  114. I just sat down at the computer after ANOTHER screaming episode with my 6 year old son, and another bedtime with me holding him, both of us crying, and me saying “I am so sorry I am such a bad mommy” over and over again. I am still crying. I always tell him that I love him EVEN when I am mad and screaming. I want him to know that.

    I adopted him by myself when I was 42 (he was two hours old when I got him). I always dreamed of being a mom, and thought I would be an amazing mother. All of my friends and family knew I would be and supported me. Well, boy was I wrong! He was the least happy baby on the planet and he literally cried and screamed for almost two years. I think this really took it’s toll on me. ( As well as the economy crashing, having to sell my house and start over again during this hard period.) I was a mess. I started screaming early on when he wouldn’t stop crying and it hasn’t stopped since. I keep trying to stop. I apologize profusely to this beautiful, kind, loving little boy every day. But, I always yell again. It has to stop. He doesn’t deserve this. I have so many triggers, I can’t count them. I know exactly what they are, but seem as powerless over changing any of them as I do stopping the yelling. I am so glad I found this post when I sat down and Googled “why do I scream at my child?”. You have all given me hope and made me see that I am definitely not the only one with this problem. Thank you!

    • We made it through day ONE!!! No yelling here :) I told my son that the color orange was going to remind me not to yell (ironically, he had on an orange shirt today.) He, apparently, wants to make SURE that we aren’t yelling anymore, he suggested that ALL the colors of the rainbow remind me not to yell. LOL Thanks everyone for your honest sharing. I am so glad I found this last night.

  115. Today I woke up said, thinking I HAVE TO BE A BETTER MOM, because I haven’t been fair with my older boy (8 years old)… every time he hurts, even accidentally his 6 years old brother. I do not listen to him, that was not his fault, that he did not mean to… I just yell at him, judging and condemning. I yell at my boys much more that I should… even if they are just loud, playing happily… Yes, you are right! The problem is Me, not my boys, they are just kids. I am very, very happy I found your blog and your words, these is everything I was looking for to help to be a better mom, and yes I hear sometimes I HATE YOU, YOU ARE THE WORST, … and this words coming from my own children, does hurt a lot! So today I am ready to start the challenge of not yelling at my 2 boys until Christmas. This is the most important gift I can give to them and to myself. I will try hard and I know it will be worth it moment I can control myself, I have to! For my boys (they are my treasure), my husband and myself. Thank you very much again!

  116. Just found this site bc I need to stop yelling at my children. They are 5 and 6 yr old boys. I know my trigger is being tired and overwhelmed with things that are going on. But they don’t deserve it. I do feel that they do not pay ANY attention to what I say. Sometimes I say the same thing 4-5 times and they still have not heard. For example. Pls stop jumping up and down while I brush your teeth, you will get hurt. They don’t listen. They get hurt and then start crying and I get frustrated. Another example last night I said don’t take your balaclava in the car to our friends house, you don’t need it there. They didn’t listen. We forgot them. Then this morning there is a melt down bc they cycle to school and will be cold. So I am yelling – well no one listens to mommy if you just listened this would not happen. It was crazy. I was screaming at them. I feel crazy…..
    I want to stop yelling but does anyone have ideas on how to speak to children so they hear you?? I feel like they literally don’t hear but I know they don’t have hearing problems.

    • My son is 9. I also have to tell him more than once, several times actually, and he still doesn’t listen. By the time I tell him the same thing for the last time, I’ve lost it! I raise my voice at him, and then we end up arguing. I try my best to keep my cool, but he instigates a lot knowing how to push my buttons. I know that I am the adult and he is the child, but he really tries my patience. It doesn’t help that his dad works the night and my son always waits to act up after he leaves for work. The only way I can get him to behave and listen is to threaten a phone call to his dad. Usually that leads to him running to grab the phone!! I normally am a very calm person, but I explode when I reach my boiling point. Last night another argument started when he refused to do his homework, it was about to get ugly but I removed myself from the room only to have him follow after me. He did tell me he was sorry and I got him to do his homework finally. I can’t stand dealing with the same issues night after night and I’m about at my wits end! I’m hoping I can do better by reacting differently and not yelling!!

    • I hear you same happens to me I yell and yell and they don’t listen. I decided to make this work and so should you, They’re our kids and we Mothers have to protect them not be protected from. So let’s do this !!!!! stop yelling and more loving….. My mother tells me instead of yelling try talking in a soft voice and it’ll work.

  117. Slowly I am beginning to look at my child like I don’t like her, not at all. I need to stop rising to every little thing. She behaves as like a brat, the “what are we doing now” question a million times a day, and no response to everything I suggest it usually ends in me yelling and exasperation that everything I say is wrong. She won’t wear a coat, sulks and days Any coat we try is uncomfortable, leggings are now uncomfortable, yesterday’s t shirt now has a uncomfy neckline! There is comment and backchat for everything.
    I am so tired. I agree 100 % with the theory no yelling. It makes it worse and lengthens the argument and sends things well over the top. I try to change but she is so defiant and rude. She fronts up to me in my face, so close I regularly call over her or she gets knocked or toes trodden on because she’s always “right there”. One minute she loves me the next hates me. I love her all the time and tell her s

  118. My friend came across this this morning, so i read everything, and i am just not sure if i do have the power and strength to do this! I guess i need a push or some advice, so ill tell you about my situation. I have a 26 month old girl who is very set in her ways already, yells and screams at me and just in general when i yell, she yells back (i mean she seriously screams as if on the top of a mountain letting it all out!) My husband works third shift so its extra important shes not yelling and i am not yelling, but this is never ever easy. I am aggressive with her and yell way too loud and too much, almost constantly most days. I also have a 10 week old and she hits her (causing me to yell). I know its hard for her to adjust to a new baby, but it is betond bad here and im at my breaking point. I think i know where most of my triggers are coming from ie no sleep, she doesnt nap anymore for unknown reasons!, lack of time with husband, excessive baby weight :( , and then her yelling, its all so much and i dont know what to do!!! With the new baby, is it even possible for me to change to see if she will change? Help!!

  119. I am so glad to have found this site, and am totally inspired to start my no-yelling lifestyle (as soon as I read more of your site, of course). I’m sure my 4 kids will be thrilled as well! Thank you for sharing your experience.

  120. Oh my goodness….. I came across a blog post yesterday that linked to this one and I was both floored and stabbed in the heart at the same time! I am a yeller, I come from a long line of yellers……I have tole my 5 year old time and again “mommy is going to stop yelling so much” only to look in her tear filled eyes before the day was over and hear “mommy you said you were not going to yell anymore” talk about ripping your heart out of your chest. I am going to start thisnchaplenge TODAY!!!! Thank you so much for being honest and open abouth this struggle that I personally thought I was in alone until 5 minutes ago when I read your blog post!!!

  121. Here I am thinking that I am the only person who is completely different around others with my kids then when I am with them at home. I am a yeller. And this whole blog is an absolute godsend. I am going to definitely be doing the Orange Rhino Challenge. I find it so difficult to not be frustrated with my kids to the point of yelling but you’re absolutely right: They’re kids. They’re learning, and growing. One of them at a slightly lower level due to autism which makes for a very frustrated mama, but putting things into perspective of how frustrated HE is when he blows up definitely helps… I will be returning to this and your “10 things I learned when I stopped yelling” article frequently…
    Thank you…Just- thank you <3
    -LK

  122. So I found this website through an encouraging friend of mine just a week ago. I’ve struggled with my temper in the past and thought it done when I got married. Then I had kids.

    Two beautiful, amazing children and one more on the way and I’ve discovered my temper was just hiding.

    Just two days ago, I lost it with my kids–level seven yell that had my children crying and afraid of the mommy monster in their room. Now I could excuse myself with the whole, “It’s pregnancy hormones and exhaustion and insomnia and all the stuff related to said pregnancy.” It would be sort of true. I don’t find myself losing it when I’m not pregnant, but I also know what my triggers are and know that I have full control over how to handle those triggers. I can’t always make them go away, but I can tell the kids that it’s a pajama/movie day and not cross off every item on my to do list. I can take that nap instead of facebooking friends and I can order pizza for dinner instead of slaving over a fancy meal all evening.

    That level seven yell scared me senseless and I realized that I don’t want to ever get to that place again, especially with my children. I don’t ever want to see their fear directed toward me again.

    This is the start of my 365 days of no yelling. I am not afraid of such a big goal, I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t take control of my anger and reactions now, while they are still young and I can heal the relationships I’ve wounded.

    I’m joining your challenge because I am going to conquer my lack of self-control and love my children as they deserve. :)

  123. Thank you! I am not the mom I want to be … the one I aspired to be 10 yrs ago when I first held my sweet baby in my arms. Alas, that baby wound up having autism and the pressures, stresses, worries, and total family disruption get the better of me often. :( I have 2 other children as well, and it’s all just too much sometimes. I find I often yell not just be/c they “drive me crazy,” but sometimes I yell be/c of the unfairness of life, be/c I’m still grieving the loss of the life I thought we’d have, be/c I’m mad at schools or therapists, or be/c my autistic son wakes up between 3 and 4am almost every night and I am utterly exhausted … physically and emotionally. Nevertheless, I strive to be the loving, patient mother my children deserve. Your blog helps me think of creative ways to stop yelling and be more goofy, like the girl my husband fell in love with.

  124. I think we don’t truly start on the journey to becoming mature, until we have children of our own, to learn the extent of our strengths and weaknesses. Becoming a parent is the start to letting go of self and becoming other-centered. It goes against the grain and is an incredibly stretching experience, no pun intended, but the love the comes out of this challenging time, is priceless. Our oldest is 27 and our youngest is 10, so I’ve been able to see farther down the road and still have the privilege of ‘trying to get it right’ with our younger ones. I’m still a yeller, but less so and with this great resource added to the tool kit, I know it is doable. Thank you for your courage in giving voice to how most Moms feel inside but are too ashamed/embarrassed to admit aloud until now. :)

  125. Tonight I think I hit my all time low! I can’t take yelling anymore and the sad thing is they are just being kids! I never use to be like this until after my mom passed away in 2010 I feel like the worst mother on the earth and I know my mom would never act like I have. I have two boys 6 and 4, they are smart, funny, loving and they always tell me they love me even after I yell at them. I decided tonight to see how I can stop or control the way I react and I found this sight!! Thank you to everyone sometimes I feel so alone in this. I know my triggers, I am a full time working mom, I leave when my family is asleep at 6 and get home at 530, then cook, clean, homework, baths then bed by 8 or a little after. So I feel very overwhelmed and feel like I miss out on everything. I have to find a better way to manage all of my chores so I don’t get stuck doing them on the weekend. I can’t believe I’m actually writing this and crying at the same time I feel so horrible inside! I try to tell myself that life is to short and we can be gone in a minute so I want my kids to love and miss me like I loved and miss my mom!!! Thank you for this!!!

  126. HI there, I want to thank you so much, this is something i have been promising my self and my kids but cant seem to completely accomplish. Im a kind of mom who has a real hard time with discipline and my kids know they can walk all over me so they push my every button until i yell at them, and thats usually what get their attention. So Starting Now im going to start this, and would like your help, please and thank you, i would like to ask though, without yelling what kinds of discipline did you use, for ex: Time out chair, you see i have a an 8 year old boy and a five year old girl and they fight like cats and dogs, so i yell, scream important messages like: yous need to love each other, family is important but by yelling the message dont get across, what should i do?

  127. GREAT stuff! I love how there is not a mention, at least in what I have read so far, about what in your own childhood caused you to be a yeller. I think those sorts of realizations come naturally when you stop engaging in a behavior, but the only way to change behavior is to be in the moment, not in the past.
    I work in a very large outpatient pediatric practice. I’d love to post something for parents, directing them to your blog or to the Huffington Post article. Between “10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids” and “the 12 Steps,” these resources could be profound for a parent ready to embrace the ideas. Do you have a little flier or pamphlet? Even just a flier that I could print out and hang in each of our patient rooms?

  128. THANK YOU! Someone posted your article on Facebook… and since i’m a crazy, overwhelmed, mad woman, it caught my eye. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old… both girls. Funny how it never occurred to me to take this route and to make this a goal! I HATE who I am when I’m yelling, and you’re right all it does is spiral a small situation out of control and only makes it worse. I feel I snap when I ask 20 times to go put your shoes on… or tell her 20 times to stop doing something. Or especially when its bedtime and for some reason that’s the perfect time for my 4yr old to get hyper and act silly?? I’m so tired by that time and just want them to go to bed, so i’m in no mood for silly stuff – but again they are just kids and have the right to be silly… and i should just enjoy that moment! But I don’t!.. and that’s what makes me sad. But as i started to ask but started rambling…… How do you make them listen then?!?!? JC… I know what you mean. Nobody takes mommy seriously! Is it because too much time went by where there were empty threats? That is my biggest downfall…. I threat for her to go sit in timeout…she says SORRY MOMMY and I just let it go…. or i’m too tired to argue with her because she doesn’t want to go in time out. Or i threat to take a toy away and she gets really upset, so then i feel bad taking it away. Being a parent is SO HARD! I work from 8-5… getting them both ready in the morning and off to daycare, then to work by 8… pick them up afterwards to then go home and get dinner..etc. I know it will get better as they get older, but I should be enjoying this moment in time too! I cry a lot and its all a big struggle in my life. But after reading your No Yell blog… it seemed to give me something to look forward to! Such a simple concept but oh so hard!!! I really want to make this work. Like you said, i’m going to announce it to my husband so it’s real. I need to find a new happiness in my life, and I think this will be a huge step in the right direction. So again THANK YOU! I just still don’t know how to make them (mainly my 4 year old of course) listen and mind me! Its a huge struggle.

  129. I am starting today. I will not yell today. I know at least one of my triggers is feeling overwhelmed. and stressed. As awful as it sounds, its good to know I am not the only one in the world that struggles with this. I have talked about not yelling for almost 4 years. (G will be 4 soon. C is almost 8. I never yelled til G came along) I do well for a day or so and then something triggers it and the yelling starts. And it is true for me also that the kids do not listen until I yell. I can ask ten times in a calm loving way and they walk all over me until I yell at them. Even if I say “Im asking nicely. Please listen so I dont have to yell.” I have learned that since their attention spans are shorter, I can ask them to clean for 5 min then play for 5 min then clean for 5 more and so on. As long as I remember to set the timer, it works for about 3 rounds. Or if I threaten to take away a favorite toy, but that only makes them scared. It doesn’t help them respect me. I would love my children to do what I ask because they love me, not because they are scared of the consequences. My husband and I are both under alot of stress and we are both screamers. We try and we fail and we try again. As long as we continue to try we are on the right track, but I am soooo sick of the guilt and seeing the sadness on their little precious faces. This is a new day, a new beginning.

  130. Thank you. My babies are 27 months old and I have yelled at them. I feel so horrible and they don’t understand and don’t deserve it. The things they do are just things that toddlers do. I felt like I was the worst mom and know that I need to work on ME to be the best mom they deserve without any yelling. Thank you all for letting me know I’m not alone and for giving me a great plan. Thank you for writing this blog. Thank you. :-)

  131. Wow. I yell at my children for the slightest thing. All the time. I was brought to tears reading this. It’s not that I didn’t/don’t know how harmful it is, but I see now how important it is to change. I have 2 girls aged 5 and 8, and they are amazing. They also have more energy than I thought humanly possible. Besides refraining from yelling, my other goal is to turn that energy into a positive. Great blog. It will be hard, but nothing worth doing is easy.

  132. Just found the article through a fb friend. I HAVE to try this. So many days I feel guilty for yelling at my children but also feel they only listen to me when I turn into a stark raving lunatic. Let’s see if something else works that will leave us all happier.

  133. Thank you so much for this website. I feel like I’m a good mom but at some point convinced myself that the only way my kids can hear me is if I yell. It NEVER helps but is becoming my go-to reaction and I want it to stop. Heading to the store to stock up on orange everything. :)

  134. I found this page on Facebook awhile ago and told myself I need to do that but never did we’ll today was my breaking point I need to stop yelling at my kids! I have said hurtful things to them used foul language and said so many nasty hurtful things and I hate my self everyday from the time I wake up till I go to sleep.
    I have four great kids three girls ages 7,6,3 and a 2 year old son. I don’t think there has ever been a time I have not yelled or lost my temper I have always been this way even as a child when I was younger it seemed like if you yelled the loudest you got the station and with ten kids in my family that’s how it went but now I don’t have to yell to get attention I have four children who give me everything they have and I yell at them. Today I yelled at my oldest she is still in pull ups because of a medical issue but she will not keep herself changed and clean we have been battling with her this whole school year today she got in the car and I could smell her it hurt my nose and made my eyes water and I just went off I could not even tell you what came out of my mouth but my baby girl was crying and I did that. I’m suppose to be her rock her support and I just crushed her. That can never happen again. I love my kids and will do anything for them but I have a problem an need help. Please wish me luck.

  135. I was talking to a friend this past weekend and i found myself yelling at my 9 year old daughter and 5 year old son. When my friend says to me don’t talk to them like that : ( . I felt so bad the next day I yelled again but I felt so stressed out. I burst out crying and my daughter hugged me ans said it’s all your friend’s fault. I said to her no baby i’ts mine my friend is right I don’t want to yell at my little one no more. So I decided to go on line and found
    this, I decided to try it. I want to be a better mommy for my 2 kids. I will start today when they come home from school and I want them to scream Orange Rhino!!! whenever they see me upset or ready to yell. So today 12/10/13 will be my first day my friend the one that told me not to yell will be my texter . Thank you.

  136. I came across your blog from a friend that posted it on FB. I am a mother of four (2 girls & 2 boys). They are girl-17 yrs, boy-14 yrs, boy-13 yrs, and girl-10 yrs old. I have yelled at them off and on through out their life. During certain times in their growing years more then others. I know some of my trigger points and not others. My big one is a clean house. I have to have it clean all the time and it isn’t. When they were little I was more physical then I wanted to be. We called it “Mom freaked out moment”. I did a lot of apologizing to them. My husband says I yell more at them since they have gotten older. I feel it is because I have taught them how to clean, what is right and wrong, and they seem not do it. I am also a full time student and rely on them to help around the house and when I come home from school and they haven’t done their chores I get upset and yell. I yell more at my 10 year old which breaks my heart more then anything. When she was younger she had an accident that caused a lot of trauma to her brain. She had to relearn to read, write, and math. Her short term memory is shot and is just starting to heal. So we find ourselves telling her things more then once and it gets frustrating so we start to yell at her.

    I am jealous of all you young mom’s getting the help now while your kids are young. I hope it isn’t to late for me and my kids.

    I have taken the no yelling challenge and pray that it will make a difference in my family. I believe that the way I was when my oldest was growing up makes her not want to be home now. It breaks my heart to think I took a safe place away from her. I hope that not yelling will make her want to be home more and want to be around us again.

    Thank you for sharing and wanting to help other parents that have the same issue.

  137. I have so wanted to stop yelling for so long and to stop taking my stress out on my beautiful daughters especially the eldest who has inherited a cancer gene from her father and every time I fall short and treat her in a way I know I should not I fear for her inner environment being one step closer to manifesting this cancer. I am a recovering catholic and am really hard on myself and experience much guilt and feeling wrong. I have tried many things to stop yelling and have all but resigned myself to the fact I can not stop which is a cop out I just don’t know how to really stop. I am sick of myself saying sorry a voice in my head says don’t be sorry just stop doing that behavior
    but I can’t, I don’t believe I can stop?

  138. I am starting this today!!! Thank you for this post, I have 2 boys one is 3 the other 1. I never yelled or raised my voice until I had my second child. Now all I feel I do is yell. I started to feel the only way I could get them to listen or stop what they were doing was to yell at them!! I don’t want to be this mom that yells all the time! So thank you for this post! I just want to get back to the mom I used to be.

  139. Wow! this is exactly what I needed. I have 2 boys and I need to stop yelling at them. I feel terrible after I have yelled at them. I am going to try this for sure because I need to change.

  140. Hi. My name is Abby and I am the mother of 3 children within 2.5 years. I have found myself yelling more than I ever imagined. No one told me how hard parenting actually is. And having 3 small ones all competing for my attention is not “so sweet” as people like to tell me, it’s SO HARD! My oldest, she’s 3.5, really likes her mommy. She likes me so much that she has to visit me when I pee, when I’m doing Laundry, when her daddy wants to play with her, 4-5 times every night…. You probably get the gist. So between her trying to crawl back in utero and me not getting any sleep, I’ve been a disaster lately. Then you thrown on my almost 2 year old son and 10 month old daughters needs, and I am most definitely not winning any awards.

  141. Thank you so much for your honesty, I have been working on this the last few months. It is getting better, but I am so thankful that you shared openly about yelling. I grew up in a yelling family, and that is what I said ‘I would never do’. Wrong, but with the helpful tips and knowing that I am not alone, I am sure that I can become a non-yeller!! Thank you again for your openness.

  142. This was just posted to a group I belong to on Facebook and it tugged my heart strings. I am definitely a mom who yells and so badly don’t want to be. I am 40 years old with a 3 and 1 year old. Now you would think with all my life experience I would be calm, cool and collected, but it just the opposite. I live in a rural area with no family close by and can honestly say I have no friends. I bring my kids to playgroup so they can socialize but I think I have become a bitter person so I am incapable of making friends. Not to mention most of the people in this area have been life long friends and I am just another “outsider”. My husband works “swing” shifts and his job is 80 miles one way from home, so he is not here often and when he is it is to sleep and eat. I love my children dearly, but constantly think they would be so much happier without me. I do have the privilege of being at home with them and cherish every non yelling moment. Wow, typing this paragraph has taken about 20mins and a lot of tissues and has given me a long look at myself and I sound like a huge whinner, but at this same time I feel a little relief. I guess some tears can be therapy. I will try my hardest to be a orange rhino mom!!!! Starting today my goal is going to be small but can be e extended……..the next 30 days will be yell free. Thank you.

  143. Hello it seems I found this website via a fb friend posting it. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I hate yelling but I am the first one to do it to my 8 year old daughter who is absolutely amazing in every way. She is very inquisitive and smart which sometimes increases my yelling behavior. There have been several times over the years I’ve cried in the evening because of my actions. She has a wonderful spirit and an old soul. I am going to use this technique (attempt) I know right now that not everyday will be perfect but I will make a conscious effort each day to be the mom she deserves. I know so many times I act like a jerk because of my own stress work, family, or just cuz I am not feeling well. I do have an anxiety disorder that has been dx’d and I don’t want her to learn the behavior. So far she is vivacious, confident and compassionate. <3

  144. I was so amazed at this blog. I am like many of the other parents on here, and felt as though you were writing what was in my head. I just found this blog and have already found my support team. I am not sure of all my triggers yet, but I am going to start working on that. I have three children and I have seen that fear in their eyes, and I have not been able to do anything about it but turn and run away (or send them away). I am excited to do this and relieved that I am not the only parent out there that feels this way.

  145. This blog has saved me! I am a yeller to my two beautiful daughters age 4 and 2. They do not deserve for me to yell at them and it does not help. I am starting my 365 days of no yelling after they wake up from nap. It hit me like a ton of bricks after I yelled at my oldest and I later went in her room and she had drew on her etch a sketch a pick of me mad snd her sad with tears. I said what is this baby? And she said you were mad at me and I’m sorry and saying I’m sorry. That was my breaking point I just broke down and promised I would not tell at her again! I am a better mommy than this and my girls definitely deserves better! Thank you!!

  146. WOW!!! I’m here I just found you and I’m really happy I did!!! I just was going through a huge yell fest!! And i really want to quit smoking next month!!! So i looked up how to deal with screaming kids while quitting smoking!!!! I read a bunch of your stuff and it’s funny cause the last two days have been rough on me mentally. I have 4 kids 11,6,4,1 two boys two girls. MY oldest boy just turned 6 and my oldest girl just came back to live with me shes 11. My son says to me the other day after I had a long ,calm, explanitory conversation with my oldest ,” Mommy how come you dont talk to me like that? You and daddy used to but not no more, everyone just yells at me, and bees mean to me” My heart broke on the spot cause it’s the truth we are for sure hardest on him but yell at them all except the baby of course. Then tonight as I was having a yell fest at my three year old because she was freaking out i was brushing her hair which was super knotted and it hurt and i got mad cause she wouldnt let me but really it kills she has hair just like mine knotty and i know it hurts bad but still i freaked out at her for whining she freaked at me cause i was mean so i put her to bed i mean i screamed in her face cause here i have all three right in my face trying to now change a poopy butt a bunch of mummy i need blah blah blah baby squirming shes screaming terrible, overwhelmed i made her go to bed and she screamed the whole way so i went to her romm to yell at her to stop yelling(go fig) when i stepped on her favorite seashell which was on the floor and crushed it so i yelled some more”see this is why i tell you to pick up your stuff i just broke your seashell” she immediately starts to cry and i look at her and she is just as crushed as her sea shell and says “you never love me you only yell at me and be mean” OMG when did i become this mom i sat down and held her thats all i could do i told her sorry and that i do love her i feel like a bag of crap ….this is not the mom i want to be i want to have it all together im disorganized, never seem to have enough time (honestly thats why i wanna try to quit smoking again tried before and had so much time but i still yelled way too much),i feel like im always angry at them at me at life everything all the time but really its like im losing it but i know it all stems from the yelling and negative behaviours its poorly affecting everyone i need help !! I dont really believe in depression no offence to anyone here but i just personally feel we can control these things i just feel like i dont know where to start

  147. Hi, I found the orange rhino 2 weeks ago, I stumbled across it whilst on pinterest. I am 13 weeks away from having baby number 4, my eldest has just started school (5.5yrs), number 2 has just started kindergarten (4.5yrs) and number 3 is home full time with myself (2.25 yrs). After reading many of your blog posts, I felt relieved that it was not only me that yells and hates yelling at the children. The past 2 weeks since reading a few posts, I’ve really tried not to yell and have used many of your tips for controlling my emotions/ reactions. 4 nights ago was the first time I have yelled in the past 2 weeks, and I felt I had failed, I came back to the site and read some more. I know now that there are triggers, I noticed that my triggers are bedtime and morning school rush; also that not yelling wont happen overnight, it is something that I need to continually remind myself about and recognise what it is that is going to set me off!
    Thank you so very much Orange Rhino, I feel like I’m already a better parent!
    Cheers!

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